Watching Over Me

“I can go ask.”

Huh?  Who said that?  No one’s immediately around me.  Scanning farther around me, my eyes fall on two people I’ve never met before.  Maybe they had a question?  Smiling at them, they smile back.  No other response.  I probably heard wrong.

Continuing onwards, I head towards a nearby bench to greet a bunch of boys, each busy playing on their handheld device.  Every step I take, I feel a tugging.  A tiny voice in my heart is saying “Go, talk to those two people.”  I don’t want to.  “Go talk to them.”  Don’t wanna!  Stubbornly, I walk past the two people I’ve never met.  They’re busy in a conversation with each other; anyways, why should I bother them? 

As I give each boy a hug, the tugging gets stronger.  “Go talk to them.”  Argh!  Glancing over my shoulder, the two people look fine.  They’re not looking around… in fact, they're busy eating lunch.  I don’t want to disturb them.

"Go."

Pause.  I finally stop.

Excuses and more excuses.  If God’s going to be so insistent on calling me over to talk to these people… why am I so stubbornly resisting?  Dang it, I hate being pulled out of my comfort zone.  I prefer to shy away from people I don’t know.  God, can’t you just call someone else to go?

A sense of comfort.  A reminder: I said if God calls, I’ll follow.  God can call anyone he wants, but he chose to call me for a reason.  This tugging sensation isn’t disappearing.  Stronger and stronger I feel the pull.

*deep sigh*  Who am I to say “no” to God?

Fine, God.  Yes, yes… you’re calling so I’ll go.  I don’t know what to say or what to do, but you gotta lead this conversation okay?  You be in control because beyond saying “Hi,” I have nothing else.  Father God, you know I hate starting conversations.  I’m scared.  I don’t have the words.  I hate interrupting… so you better lead! 

Deep breath in and slowly out.

Lord Jesus, give me the heart to love these people as you love them.  I follow you in your footsteps.  Lord, you talked to tons of people, got placed in situations where you were not appreciated.  Here at church, this is my home turf.  I’m safe.  Give me your comfort, your peace, your courage as I intentionally approach these two people.  I don’t know them, but you do.  Open my eyes and my ears to hear what these people really have to say.  If they really do need help, give me wisdom to help at the root of the issue… to not just hear their words, but to hear their heart.  If this is your will, help me bring them your love.

A couple of steps.  I’m already here.  Standing with the sun shining, my shadow falls across the table.  Looking up, the two people stare at me.  Pasting a smile on my face, gentling the thumping of my heart, I gaze first into the lady’s eyes and then into the man’s.  “Hi, my name is Kristy.  Are you new here?”

The tugging finally stops.  I am where God wants me; right here, right now, participating in this conversation.  Relief.  Gentleness.  A soothing sense of comfort.

“Ah, so you were jumping around and dancing so much last night that your knee hurts to walk.  That really sucks that you have to walk long distances to get food from local churches and shelters.  Can I take a look at your knee?  Mind if I touch?  You’ve got a little bit of swelling here… do you mind if I try a taping method that may help relieve some pain?  It may not stick well because you have some hair here.  If the taping works, great!  If it doesn’t… *shrug* At least we tried it right?  Here, let me grab you some ice from the kitchen.  That feels so much better huh?  Make sure you take small steps with lots of rest BEFORE your knee starts complaining; otherwise, the swelling will build up fast and you’ll be in more pain.”

God, you are really amazing.  Even as I struggle against obeying you, you patiently and insistently call.  You didn’t give up on me.  You love me and you know me: my wants, my needs, my desires.  You also love this married couple enough to bring us together so that all three of us are blessed.  The man’s leg was hurting, his wife was worried… they didn’t know what to do or where to turn.  If I didn’t listen to you, I could so easily pass by on your gift: the provision of this meeting, the joy in serving, the laughter in conversation, the deep peace of being loved by you, the comfort of healing.

Father, your timing is impeccable.  Looking back, I can see exactly how you orchestrated this meeting, laid out all the tools… when you lead, amazing things happen.  Thank you that you didn’t let me pass on this opportunity.  Thank you for pushing at me so much that I couldn’t ignore your calling.  Thank you for providing this situation where I can actively use my knowledge to help.  Thank you for this chance to bring peace, healing and joy to others and to myself.

Lord Jesus, thank you for being my role model.  Thank you that you served me first.  You know exactly what it’s like to step out of your comfort zone.  Lord, you love people so much you placed yourself out there where you got ridiculed, suffered hardships, got betrayed… I’ve not even experienced a fraction of what you’ve gone through.  Who am I to complain?  To say “no” when you call?

Give me a heart to obey, to emulate Jesus, to listen to your calling without digging in my feet.  Lord, I want your blessings… so soften my heart to see your provisions, to follow your guidance, to not be so stubborn in protecting myself and my own selfish comforts.  Lord, you’ve got a greater plan in mind and I want to see you in action.  I want to be a part of your story… but a huge part of me is scared.  I continually resist when you call.  Thank you for being patient with me, for not giving up on me.  Keep teaching me.  Keep calling me.  Keep growing me.

In Jesus’ name, I ask for more blessings, more stories to tell, more love for others in my heart.  Amen.

I'm starting to get lazy and my blogs are coming out later and later.  Please pray for these things:

1.  Time and focus to write me blog and not delay... as well as situations, thoughts and experiences to write about.

2.  Plan to go back to work on April 1st... my body still acts up (not as bad as before), so please pray for strength, stability and that I can wake up early enough to get to work before 7:30am!

3.  I may be getting a cold, got a stuffy nose... please pray that I get all better quick.  There's still lots of stuff I want to do!

4.  I intend to exercise and get stronger, I haven't yet... please pray for motivation, time and focus.

Thanks for reading and all your support!  *super big hug*

Playing with my goddaughter, Maddie:

New Information

“Here, this is for you.”

“What is it?  The packet’s really thick!  Oh… something from Stanford.  Hmmmm, no one told me to expect any packages from them.”  *shrug*

Tearing the bulky envelope open, I pull out a thick sheaf of papers.  Huh?  My name.  At least I know this information is for me.  Flip.  Flip.  Quick scan.  What?  Huge amount of hard-core medical terminology… something about a gene and clinical trial?  Okay.  Back up.  Front page.  What does it really say?

Date of Collection: 01 August 2013 (my most recent abdominal surgery date)

Specimen Site: Liver

Specimen Received: 22 January 2014 (probably sent for sampling after stopping chemotherapy)

Report Date: 24 February 2014 (about when I found out I may trial another type of chemotherapy)

Genomic Alternation Identified: PTCH1 loss exons 1-2 (gene sequence missing a segment which means that something in my cells isn't being properly regulated, possibly leading to the cancerous growths)

Therapy Associated with Potential Clinical Benefit: Vismodegib, FDA approved for use in basal cell carcinoma

Clinical Trials: 2

Taking some time to assimilate the information, I finally understand.  This packet of papers state that there is a known genetic alteration in the given sample of my tumor.  Furthermore, there is a chemotherapy medication with the potential to affect cells with this particular altered gene.  The medication’s goal would be to inhibit the mutated genetic pathway, potentially causing a slow down or even stopping my abnormal cancerous growths... maybe even with the potential to halt all my tumor formations.  Yay!

So, putting all the information together, if my scans ever come out positive for more tumors, I will likely be placed into one of these two available clinical trials.  At the same time, even though these trials are phase I, meaning just starting the testing phase for my type of cancer, the medication is already commonly in use for another type of cancer.  Hurray!  The side effects are already known.  The dosage already has an acceptable range of effectiveness (even though it’s for another type of cancer).  This option isn’t horrible.  In fact, even though this chemotherapy drug isn’t guaranteed to work… It’s definitely a better chance!

Lord God, thank you that my doctor sent a tumor sample in for genetic testing.  Thank you for guiding the testing process so that my doctors and I have a better grasp of what may be wrong.  Thank you for a potential course of action if or when my cancer becomes visible.

Lord, thank you also that through blood sampling, I now know that my vitamin B2 levels are low.  Since I started taking vitamin B2 supplements these last two days, my body has re-stabilized!  Hurray!

Little bit by little bit, I feel that I’m getting a better grasp at controlling my body… it’s actions and it’s reactions.  Father God, I lift your name in praise for enabling me to work with my doctors to figure out the new complexities of my body.  Whenever I feel hopeless or stuck, Father, you open new doors, provide more information, offer new approaches to my care.

Lord, I can’t wait to get better, go back to work and have lots of energy to enjoy the beautiful outside weather!  I offer up my praise, my heart-felt gratitude at your mercy.  Thank you, Lord God, for your consistent character, demonstration of love towards me and your power through impeccable timing.

Because of Jesus, I can pray directly to my Father in Heaven. Thank you for making me who and what I am. Amen.

Honor & Respect

“Hey, Kristy, can I talk to you for a sec?”

My eyes open just a little wider.  Uh oh, I see a very serious look.  This conversation isn’t going to be an easy one is it?  Drawing a quiet and slow breath, I attempt to prepare myself.  My shoulders are tense.  Relax, this isn’t a fight.  I know when a topic is not to my liking, my automatic response is a defensive attitude.  When my guard goes up, I can’t hear what’s really being said.  My self-protection mechanism really doesn’t get me anywhere.  If I don’t consciously lower my internal walls, I’ll waste this opportunity.  *sigh*  Opportunity for what?  I don’t know.  I hate difficult conversations.  I’m scared of the unknown elements and landmines.  Can I run?  How about I hide in a corner and never move?  Did I do something horrible?  Did I offend?  Did I say something bad?

Deep breath in.  Slow breath out.  Kristy… chill out.  I can’t guess what I don’t know.  I can’t fix anything or avoid repeating the same whatever it is if I don’t listen!

This person has the guts to talk to me straight.  I really admire their courage.  It takes a lot to face someone regarding anything potentially unpleasant.  The easy route: avoidance.  Unfortunately, avoiding a situation or issue builds negativity and breeds additional problems.  With an internal toss of my head, I make my decision.  “Sure. What’s up?”

“There’s this issue…”  Imagine loud background noise.  You can’t hear.  And no, you can’t read my lips.  Only me, and the person talking to me, can hear this conversation.  *wink*  Not everything goes public.

Conversation ends.

Inside, I’m screaming “That’s not fair!  That wasn’t my intention!” 

For a moment, just a split second, my mind is overcome by this bubbling, churning, mass of darkness.  I want to lash out.  I want to fight back.  I want to justify my position.  I want to clarify my actions!

Rational thoughts and irrational emotions swirl, twisting inside.  Churning.  Knots forming tighter and tighter, ready to snap.  Suffocating blackness.  Struggling against chains.  Fighting within myself.  Sinking deeper.  Loosing reason.

Wait!  This person is acting as a mediator.  I’m hearing someone else’s point of view.  Life isn’t fair.  Community, people… everyone has their own option, their personal points of view.  We all step on toes, even unintentionally.  To live and work together, it can’t be all about me or what I believe is okay.

Arghhhhh… I know I should respect others, even if I don’t agree with their stance.  I know that even if I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, there’s something I did that’s perceived as wrong in another’s eyes.

Respect.

Honor.

How in the world am I supposed to act?  As a child of God and follower of Christ, what am I to do?  If I truly want to follow in Jesus’ footsteps and do the hard things that following Jesus as my Lord requires... my heart needs to change.  My goal should be to adjust my actions and words so that I don't cause another person to stumble in their journey or their outlook in following the same Jesus (1 Corinthians 8:10-13).  But by myself, with my own strength… I can’t do this.  I can’t do what I know Jesus would do.  To humble myself… I don’t want to bend.  My heart is to do my best to serve my God.  Being told that my actions are contrary to my service of the same God... that hurts.

Ah… Father God, right now, I don’t feel very humble or loving.  In fact, my hackles are up and I want to fight back screaming “unfair!”  Yet, reading 1 Corinthians chapters 8 and 9 in the Bible, you speak through Paul about actions; if my actions cause another to stumble, then don’t do it.  Lord, I don’t want to be a person who’s actions or words cause another to fall away from you.  Lord, you know my heart.  You know my intentions.  You know the reasons behind my actions.

Father, I’m trying my best to walk as Jesus did… I know I frequently fail, but because I love you most… what you call me to do, I will.  All my “rights,” what I am entitled to, even my pride… Father, I give everything into your hands.  May my life not be my own, but yours.  Father, use me as you will.  Guide me so I don’t become a stumbling block to others in their walk with you or as they come to know you.  May my actions, my words, my heart be a reflection of your Spirit and not mine.  Be my light, my peace, my heart.

Father God, I give you full control… control of my rights, my intentions, my actions.  Until you give me permission otherwise, I will not repeat the action that will cause this specific offense.  Help me to respect this person who also only intends to give you honor.  Give me the strength and courage and wisdom to honor and serve you, my God, above myself.  May my actions and heart be all-in and not of two minds.  May my words of living for you not be empty fluff.

Lord, I trust you to change and heal my heart.  I trust in your power to mediate this situation/issue.

Through the example of Jesus Christ, may my life please you, my Lord God… to you and for you alone will I bend.  Regardless of right or wrong, just or unjust… may my life glorify you first above all else.  In Jesus’ name, I ask that my choice of actions and my heart will bring you, my God, glory and honor.  Amen.

Counting Down & Looking Up

Monday, February 24, 2014 at my oncology appointment:

Cold. A round object presses against my back.

“Take a deep breath. Another.”

As the chilly stethoscope moves around different areas of my chest, I draw a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.

“Your heart’s tachycardic today.”

“Yeah, I know. Whenever I’m not feeling good and my body feels tired, my heart rate goes up. I think the nurse noted my heart rate in the 120s about 10 minutes ago.” And no, I haven’t been exercising or running. Wish I had a better reason than being tired for my heart rate to be up so high. Gazing upwards, I watch my doctor watch me.

“So what’s new?”

“Well, I’m getting myself ready to go back to work in 2 weeks.” Yes!!! Even though I’m super tired right now, I miss my friends at work. I miss working! I can’t wait to be out of the house! “Oh yeah, and when can I get this port in my chest taken out?” The port is driving me crazy! It sometimes hurts for no reason, occasionally gets super itchy (likely from the skin stretch tautly over the edges) and well… hopefully I don’t need it anymore.

“You’re body’s not stable yet and I don’t want you going back to work. How about this… get another CT scan mid-March with blood tests a couple days before that. Once I get the results, I’ll give you a call. If everything’s normal, we can schedule a time for your port to be taken out and we’ll discuss when you can go back to work. If there are issues, we’ll go from there.”

Relief. Huh? I feel relieved? Tilting my head to one side, eyes glazing over, I analyze myself. Why do I feel relieved? I thought I _wanted_ to go back to work. But then again, my body is progressively getting more and more tired these past 10 days. Honestly, part of me is scared to return to work. How can I serve my patients if I can barely stand for 10 minutes without my legs shaking? My hands are strong; however, standing drains all my energy reserves to zero. Even in sitting, my back is noticeably bending under gravity’s consistent pull. *deep sigh* “So, how much longer will I be off work for? I’ll need a new note for the extended time off.”

“I’ll write you a note to take off work until April 1st. If everything is clear after the CT scan and blood-work… you can always go back before April if you feel up for it. I’ll give you a call after your CT scan. After that, you need to get a CT scan every 3 months for a year. Get a lab test a couple of days before each CT scan. Schedule yourself to see me in three-and-a-half months.”

“Okay. Oh yeah, can you please check to see when the surgeon will come see me? He scheduled himself to see me at the same time as my appointment with you.”

One hour later... knock knock. I greet my surgeon. Formalities and updates complete, I drag myself back up onto the exam table. Deep breath, cold stethoscope.

“So, what’s your calorie intake in a day?”

Taken aback by the question, I blurt out “About 1400 calories I think.” I know my caloric intake prior to surgery averaged 1600 to 1800. When I was on chemotherapy, my caloric intake was approximately 1400 to 1600 depending on what snacks I could get me hands on. But now? I haven’t really calculated my food intake in the past 2 months. I eat until I’m full, mostly home-cooked meals, but eat fewer snacks due to my increasing dietary restrictions from food sensitivities. How many calories do I really eat?

On the drive home, I start listing my meals and add up the calories. Oops! Wide eyed, I realize one of the reasons why I may be so tired. I’m not getting enough calories to build muscle much less use the muscles I do have! How’d this happen? Well, cooking at home means less oil, less fat; therefore, less calories. Limited availability of packaged snacks also means less fat and less calories. In addition to my leaner meals, I’m down to 3, maybe 4 meals a day, so that I can manage my bodily functions and enjoy time out of the house. What does all this mean? My recent caloric intake is probably in the range from as little as 1000 to a maximum of 1400 calories. That’s way too little unless my goal is to lose more weight. =O No thanks… losing more weight means losing more muscle. No way do I want that to happen!

Father God, thank you for the wisdom you’ve given my doctors and the questions they ask!

Today, my neurology appointment was really neat. The neurologist you placed me under was super nice and I again learned that I’m not very standard. The numbness in my fingers and toes are not quite normal. Turns out that most people who get nerve damage from chemotherapy, the damage affects not just the toes but up the legs first before most people ever have issues with their hands. Yup, I’m different. *wide grin* But even if I’m never “cured,” I get this opportunity to learn so much!

So now, I have this coming month to get my diet and calorie intake on track. I want to increase my activity level while figuring out what ingredients are causing more issues… my body doesn’t like something I’ve been eating recently… I think I may be reacting to preservatives in canned and bottled foods. Good-bye gluten-free soy sauce. *sniffle* Good-bye to most canned coconut milk. Good-bye to sulfa-based preservatives in fruits and snacks. *deep sigh* I thought this day might come, but I’ve been avoiding it. However, my body is acting up so much, even to only home-cooked foods, that I don’t dare continue. What does this mean? I’ll be limited to spices in my cupboard, beef and pork, fresh veggies, tofu and soy, limited types of fruit and the only bread or cookie products I can eat are the ones I make. =O

Well, at least I can still eat!

So Father God, thank you that I never stop learning. Thank you for giving me a brain that loves to analyze puzzles. Thank you for giving me the stubbornness to keep plowing forward. Thank you for giving me a body that keeps my doctors on their toes. Thank you for opening my ears to hear and eyes to see what options I do have. Thank you for uniquely making me me.

When I’m feeling depressed from the constant fatigue, I’m reminded that I’m so loved… that even 2-3 months ago, my body was way worse than it is now. God, you are amazing. When I don’t know what to do or how, you give me insight through those around me. When I feel trapped, you open doors. When I am weak, you let me rest. Even extraneous things like wanting to watch the Cirque du Soleil with Noel and I both not working, you bless us with free tickets from a friend. Things Noel and I didn’t even consider praying for, Lord, you provide. Father God, I get to be so blessed… I have no reason to complain! To be so very blessed in clearly seeing you so powerfully in action, to take so much joy in knowing you personally, to have so many prayers answered so clearly… Father, I truly lack in nothing.

I am blessed in so many ways that money cannot buy, that security and stability cannot offer, that I cannot earn by my own power… Lord, I get to see you.

Father, I see the dead brown grass on the mountains when it should be green and ask in the name of Jesus for rain, it rains. I ask for more rain, today, the sky opens and waters pour. I ask for provision in selling my jewelry… above and beyond all my wildest dreams, unplanned, over 60% of my jewelry is sold with 5 orders on the side the very next day. I pray for a consistent light source for my photography so I won’t have to chase after the sun and you provide an awesome deal on Craigslist with everything I need plus extra! When Noel and I ask that you will provide him a job when I return to work, we know you will answer… that until we return back to work, Noel and I get blessed with being able to vacation together at home: to support each other, to heal, to laugh, to rest.

Thank you for the honor of being able to see you in action: in my life, in this household, in this world. In you, I am whole, at peace and filled with unspeakable joy.

Thank you, Lord God, for a wonderful husband who I can laugh with. Thank you for family I get to spend time with. Thank you for friends who hold me up. Thank you, Lord God, that you are so undeniably real.

I am floored by your continued mercy. I fall speechless in the midst of your power. I lay overwhelmed by your blessings. To be so fully and unconditionally loved, I am in awe.

In the name of Jesus Christ, to you, Lord God, be all glory, all honor, all praise.

Shaping Hearts

Snick.  A small piece of wire goes flying across the dinner table onto the floor.  Scrabbling, I grab the silver wire before my cats can get to it.  Got it!  Holding up my prize, I crawl back to my chair.  Sitting down, I dig through my pile of pliers.  Finding my handy round-nose plier, I pinch the wire end.  With a firm twist of my wrist I form a curve.  Hmmmm, a little more curve needed.  There!  Carefully, I grab the wire and switch sides to curve the other end.  Let’s see, a little less curve here.  Done.

Dig.  Shuffle.  Shifting different pliers to one side, I finally find two of my favorite pliers.  Grabbing one plier in each hand, I pick up the tiny piece of silver.  Gently, I pinch the small silver wire between the arching curves.  With a deft twist of my wrist, I kink the wire so that the curving ends touch to form a heart.  Okay, the easy part’s done.

Shuffling through my messy pile of tools, I unearth a shiny flat keychain.  I didn’t want to spend money to buy a polished stainless steel anvil for hammering my silver, so I prayed for God to provide one.  While doing a little clean-up, I find my old Celica keychain near the front door.  Smooth, with a bright polished mirror-like finish and harder than a rock, this keychain makes the perfect anvil. *wide grin*

Laying my self-declared anvil on a chair, I carefully position the heart-shaped wire right in the center.  Even more gently, I cover the heart with my other self-proclaimed anvil, a pair of shiny stainless steel scissors.  Do you see a theme in my tools yet?  *smirk*

Slowly, I reach my right hand upwards.  Patting around, I wrap my fingers around a large wooden handle.  Thump.  The heart goes flying.  Laying the heavy metal mallet back onto the table, I chase after the skittering heart.  Now little heart, into the fire!  A bit of protective flux, a fragment of silver solder, my sister’s crème brulee torch… let’s attach this little heart to a 24 gauge silver wire.

After a the fire, the silver goes into the water to cool-off, acid to clean up any oxidization, rinsed off and hand-burnished using my handy steel scissors for a bright shine.  What’s all this work for?  A single, gently curved wire with a heart attached for an order of dangling teal fish earrings.  =D

This is the start of my new jewelry hobby and business.  Well, it’s not quite a regular business because I don't intend to set prices that will make me much money.  I want to be a good steward of the money I spend to make these silver items, but my main intention isn’t to make a profit.  If my intention really was to make money, I wouldn’t spend so much time on tiny details many people miss seeing or may not even appreciate.  I want each piece of jewelry I make to be a reflection of God’s many blessings in my life, both the easily noticeable and the easily ignored aspects.  The entire creation comes together to make the item what it is… just like my life, in all its parts both good and bad, makes me who and what I am today.

At the begining of my jewelry-making “business,” I invested quite a bit of money into buying silver and real gemstone beads.  For the longest time, I only received one sale by a friend on Etsy.  Inside, I felt scared and more than a bit sad.  Is my stuff not good enough?  It’s not like Noel and I are working… in fact, I’m on disability and Noel just lost his job.  Then there’s me, spending a large chunk of money.  So I prayed: “Father God, thank you for providing money and Noel’s support where I can step blindly out into making real silver jewelry.  But Lord, there’s a lot of money invested into this hobby of mine and nothing’s really selling.  Father, my intention is to use these jewelry pieces I create to share my story about your presence in my life.  I’m not sure how this will all work out, but keep my heart focus not on money, not on sales, but on you.  However, Lord, it’d be great to make back some of the money I already spent!”

In the 24 hours following this prayer, my sister displayed my earrings and bracelets at her workplace.  During that time, I received text after text from my sister requesting custom-made pieces: fish earring in this other color, an anklet with the orange and freshwater pearl as a charm, a kid’s bangle with angel charm, the teal fish earrings, take the blue fish earrings off etsy… on and on the orders rolled in until I prayed: “God, stop! I need time to catch up to all these incoming orders.  I appreciate the business, but I need a little time to organize all the information.  Help me manage my time and my resources to create these orders so that the individuals who ordered jewelry from me may be honored with my best work.  Lord, financially, I’m not out of the red yet, but please give me some space to finish this batch of jewelry first.”

Like I prayed, God answered. No additional orders arrived.

“Hey God, I’m ready again! I really want to buy a tumbler to polish my jewelry so I don't have to spend hours rubbing silver, I rather spend the time creating new stuff and trying new ideas.  I’d also love to buy a flex shaft rotary tool with a pedal to really smooth-out those hard-to-reach areas as I progress to making rings, bracelets and pendants.  But I want to buy these items out of the profits from selling these jewelry pieces.  I want to honor Noel by not spending money we don’t have.  I want to stop investing more of our household finances into my hobby.  Lord, first step, can you please give me wisdom in what beads and colors I really need to buy and prevent me from buying in excess?  Also, please provide a couple more sales to break even with the money I’ve invested into the silver.  I don’t know where or how I’m going to sell these earrings, but Lord, I leave the details in your hands.  The jewelry isn’t posted online so I don’t know what you will do or how these earrings will be sold, but I place the finances and this business into your hands.”

Two days later, a friend drops by.  Not knowing my prayer request, she buys 3 of my earrings and orders a fourth.  The amount?  Just enough to break even with the money I’ve spent on silver and beads since the start of this year.  I mean _perfectly_ even.  What can I say to that?  Is this by chance?  Your choice… but stuff like this happens over and over and over so many times in regards to my jewelry sales that I cannot say it’s coincidence.

I pray. 

God answers.

I am humbled by God’s power so clearly portrayed.  I can’t even close my eyes and deny the timing between each prayer and the exact outcome.

Lord, you’ve blessed me so much!  Even before my earrings are placed online, you sell them for me.  Over half of my creations never even get their picture taken for posting purposes!  I’m awed by your power and your presence so clearly demonstrated these past few weeks.  Every time I ask for sales to cover a certain cost of material, within the week, the exact amount is covered.  Over and over and over again, Father God, you show me your hand at work. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, I will continue to dedicate the work of my hands into yours Lord.  Help me not to focus on money or be jealous over all the cool creations out there or that others can successfully sell online.  Lord, you are the ultimate creator and everything pales compared to your handiwork.  I believe you’ve created me for a specific purpose… and that even my jewelry business has a purpose in your kingdom.  May my actions, my words, my thoughts, my heart in all aspects bring you glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

As I continue walking through this jewelry-making hobby, I can understand a little bit more about God, not just as my lord, but as a creator.  I look at the stuff I make and can say "it is good."

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 (ESV)

Pushing the Limits

Gotta exercise!  I'm fed up with being weak.

All day, I'm sitting around working on my jewelry projects, squatting in the garage making a jewelry stand and tools to help facilitate my jewelry-making process... but the truth is, all of my recent activities are fairly immobile!  Yeah, yeah... I know I'm not feeling my best, that my body continues to act up, that I'm not as strong as I used to be.  Reasons and excuses... I want to be strong again!

Pulling out my iPad, I place it on Noel's desk.  Opening the YouTube app, I type "exercise video."  A quick scroll, there!  There are three young girls exercising.  I can copy them!  The whole workout, including warm-up and cool-down, is only 20 minutes.  I can do that. 

Blah blah blah... fast forard the introduction and safety explaination.  Ahhhhh, here.  The exercise part is starting. 

Stand with foot hips-width apart.  Small arm circles: forward and back.  Large arm circles: forward and back.  Slow high knee march.  Jumping jacks with arms coordinated to match.  Side-step.  Done!  Just in case, I did the warm-up at a slower pace.  I'm ready to tackle the exercises.  Bring it on!

First exercise: high-knee forward and back hops... how about I just step forward and back?  I can't seem to get any height in my attempt to hop.  Next: forward and back lunges.  I'm doing okay.  My legs are getting a little wobbly though.  Push-ups?  I think I can do one, maybe two... let's modify this.  I'll do these push-ups off the edge of my bed.  This should be easy enough right?  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  I can already feel my arms.  Five.  Six.  Sevveeeennnn... Eeeeeiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttttt... I'm barely able to let myself down much less even push myself back up!  Come on, just a couple more! 

Wow.  My arms are shaking.

Now down on the ground?  What?  Oh planks with my forarms on the ground and my body straight for a minute.  That should be no problem.  Again, I'm wrong.  Part-way through, my arms are burning, my mid-section is drooping, my shoulders are sagging.  Ah whatevers... I made it through and that's what counts.

Next, in a push-up position, walk your hands to your feet and back out again.  Nuh uh, not happening.  Can't do.  I'll use this time as my rest break and water break.

A couple abdominal exercises later, cool-down and then done!  I made it through!  Hurray!!!

As is, I'm tired.  Stepping out of the bedroom, I head to the kitchen for some water.  Taking one step going downstairs, I realize I need to be careful.  Real careful.  My legs are litterally shaking from fatigue!  Carefully, I hold the handrail with both hands.  Gingerly, I take one careful step after another until I reach the ground floor.

Yikes!  Am I really that weak?  The Kristy toned-down, super-modified, exercise program drained my energy just like that?  I barely did anything!  Dang. 

More than a little shocked at my own weakness, I am determined to progress my activity and regain my strength... or so I say.  It's now the third day after exercising.  I havent worked out at all.  Why?  Ever since that little bit of exercise, my body is rebelling.  It's not just about being tired... tired is expected.  Instead, my body is over-reacting by being irritable with all the foods I eat... even basic ground beef with salt, pepper and a little garlic/onion with rice.  Foods that should keep my body stable are now not working.  Do I have a new unknown food sensitivity to something?  Is my body reacting to being tired from exercise?  I don't know, but I'm scared.  I'm already so limited in my food options, I don't want any new food issues! 

God, help!

Father God, help my body calm back down.  I thought I knew what I could safely eat and what I couldn't.  Now, I'm confused.  I hate it when my body over-reacts.  Running to the restroom is not my ideal way to spend a day.  Being tired from exercise would be nice, but I just feel "off."

Lord, I don't know what's going on... but I'm so thankful that you allowed me a break from chemotherapy.  The sarcoma doctor plans to place me on another oral chemo.  I don't know what it is or why, but I'm super grateful that the appointment got delayed!  If my body's acting up even now, 5 whole weeks after my last IV chemotherapy session, how much worse will my body get if I'm placed on a new oral chemotherapy now?

Father in heaven, I thank you for your provision and for your mercy.  You know what I can handle.  You know my breaking points.  You allow me to get stretched, so close to breaking, but never broken.  In your presence, Lord, I continue to grow.  My physical strength is almost non-existant, but my spiritual strength comes unendingly from you. 

Thank you for the strength in my mind.  Thank you for the joy in my heart.  Thank you for the strength in my hands.  Thank you for time: this time to recover, this time to rest, this time to enjoy life with my husband by my side.

Lord, into your hands, I place Noel's job-hunting situation, my health, our household finances, my jewelry making and business, my heart, my hope, my dreams.  Thank you, Father God, for such a wonderful and fulfilling life, time to spend with family and friends, time to relax, time to recover, time to dream.  In Jesus' name, I shout my praise into the heavens for all the blessings you've poured, and will continue to pour, into my life.  Amen.

Dawn of Hope

I feel soooo much better today!!!  This is more like it!  Hurray!!!

Can you see that I'm happy?  *wide grin* This is officially a whole month since my last admit to Stanford for chemotherapy.  Each round of chemotherapy resulted in progressively extending my recovery time.  After a full month, I'm finally at the point where I can stand for 10 minutes!  Before this week, forget doing the laundry or dishes... my legs just didn't hold me up very well.  Standing on wobbly legs really takes a lot of effort.  Today, standing doesn't feel quite so difficult.  Yes!

This energy is sooooo awesome!  I feel like I can finally do something.  My energy boost likely comes from my acupuncture appointment today.  Every time I go see my acupuncturist, I leave feeling so very much better!

Hmmmm... What can I do?  I just finished an awesome time with my sister.  We discussed jewelry designs.  I got her help coordinating colors... I suck at knowing what colors go with what.  We even got a massage.  *drool*  So comfy.  My little sis is so awesome... she even bought a jewelry display to showcase my earrings!

Display?  A little something is trying to catch my attention.  Display.  Display.  Display. Jewelry display... I'll need one of those someday to hang my earrings at home.  Like my sister told me today, dangling jewelry looks so much prettier and dynamic than stuffed in little plastic zip-lock bags.  But more importantly, my tools are literally thrown everywhere!  The entire dinner table is covered with my jewelry stuff.  I just cleaned the table yesterday to make butternut ravioli with my friend, Aleesha... Now, the table's barely usable again!

Heheeeehehee... Ummmm... I've seen tools hanging similar to jewelry displays. Maybe I can make one?  Yes, I want to make one!  Looking left then right, I don't see anything that inspires me.  Standing up, I walk away from my nice warm parabolic heater.  Garage... There's gotta be stuff there.

Opening the garage door, I poke my head out.  Is it cold?  Nope, not bad.  The heat from my recently driven car's engine nicely warms up our garage. Yay!

Since I don't have to worry about the cold, I boldly step fully into the garage. Scanning left, I look at our wall of tools.  There are blocks of wood I can use... But I'm not interested in grabbing out the heavy machinery this late at night.  Still looking. As I let my eyes wander, I spy a little bag with bamboo cooking utensils poking out.  This pile is for donation.  Squatting down, I take a closer look.  Pulling out a bamboo spatula, I roll it around my hands.  Not bad, no sharp fibers.  Placing the spatula on the ground, I gently try rocking the spatula first one way than another.  Hmmmm, this really could work.  It rocks a little, but not too bad as a base.  What else?  One by one, I pull out and test all the bamboo utensils in order to find the most stable one. Ah, this spatula with slits will work great!  The wider head stabilizes the entire length without me having to make a cross-brace.  Sweet!

Swiveling around, I grab one of the least stable utensils, a bamboo spork. Heheheheeee, this one I can chop up and attach to the base like the trunk of a tree.

Back into the kitchen, I glance around.  By the sink, I spy bamboo stakes for when my orchids flower.  Grabbing the cleanest one, I stab the stick through the pre-drilled hole in bamboo handle.  Pause.  Hmmm, the bamboo knobs get stuck.  Do I sand the knobs down or use it?  Pondering the puzzle in my head, I walk back into the garage while swinging my newly acquired stick.

Walking over to the left wall, I lean over Noel's blue motorcycle and grab a saw.  I could use a rotary tool, but don't feel like making too much noise or dust at 10pm. Plus, I feel stronger, I want to test my endurance!  *wide grin*

Placing the spork on an elevated surface, I saw away.  2/3 of the way through, I switch the saw to my left hand for no other reason except to give my left arm, even though it's not quite as coordinated, a work out.  Thump, the spork's head falls off.  Cool.

Grabbing a chisel, I attempt to gouge a curve into the handle so the spork handle can fit midway onto the slotted spatula's handle.  Raising the hammer, I give the chisel a good wack.  Oops, a whole section splits off.  This isn't going to work.  *sigh*  I grab a heavy duty metal file and work the splintered end smooth.

"Hey, Noel, what kind of file is this anyways?  It works great!"

"I've had that file for years, it's meant to file plastic.  It can even file plexi glass."

Staring at the file in my right hand, I give it a look of respect.  "Ummmm, Noel, you don't use it anymore right?"  *fingers crossed*

"Nope, haven't used that file in years.  Go ahead and use it.  It's a very good quality file."

Yup, I coulda told you that.  I've used and abused this file to smooth everything and anything over the years... Wood, aluminum, my silver (before I got some dedicated needle files)... even hardened steel.  *sheepish grin*   "This is a great file."

"Hey, Noel, what can I use as pins?  I can't cut this wooden handle into a nice curve, but I can glue and pin this cut bamboo onto the base.  Although, this handle really is not thick, the pin will need to be pretty small. Do we have anything that's thin and strong?"

"How about a nail?"

"Ahhhh, great idea!"  Scurrying over to the far wall, I dig through our stash of loose nails.  Perfect, two small nails.  Sticking these nails into my mouth, I reach with my left hand and grab the drill bits while my right hand snags the drill.  Quickly, I insert the smallest drill biting, carefully matching the nail's width (keeping everything a little snug) and length.

Bending forward, I line up the two handles in a "T" formation, brace myself and drill two neat little holes.  Grabbing the largest 1/4 inch drill bit, I drill another hole halfway up the spork handle. That should do it!

Happily I replace all the tools and head back into the house.  Applying a little wood glue, I jab the nails through the small drilled holes.  Mallet.  I need a mallet or hammer... The nail really is snug... banging the nails against the floor isn't working.    Back in the garage, I grab a mallet.  Thump.  Wack. Done!  The stand and the base are fitted perfectly like an upside-down "T."

Pulling out the saw, I cut the bamboo stick into 2 uneven pieces.  Sliding these sticks into the large holes, I pull until everything fits snugly.  Awesome!  If I ever wanted to break this tool stand down for transportation, I can at least remove the bamboo sticks.  Nice, unintentional bonus!

Now to hang all my tools.  Hurray!!!  With the handy use of some tape and a cut paper clip, I'm able to even hang my flux brush and my favorite flat needle file.  Taping a thread loop to the back of my sharpie, I'm even able to hang the pen onto my tool frame for easy access and display.  Success!

Lord, I've been worried because my strength and endurance are so low a whole month out from chemo.  Every time I wanted to try something, I didn't have the energy.  Feeling like a blob, I've been laying in bed, unhappy, since I didn't have the strength to perform basic household activities like cooking or cleaning.  Even sitting still to make jewelry isn't keeping my full attention when I yearn to do something else!

God, thank you so very much for the energy I have tonight.  I'm so excited!  Thank you that I'm able to create something productive with the time I have.  Thank you for making this project successful even though I didn't plan out all the steps.  God, thank you for the random materials, an abundance of tools and especially the strength to use these tools!

Father God, thank you for the renewed hope that, yes, things _will_ get better.  My body will get stronger.  That I'm not going to be stuck in my weakened state for life.

Thank you that even with my body's ongoing instability, I haven't taken any medications for 4 days!  Yay!

God, even with all your blessings, I'm still scared.  I will see my oncologist this coming Monday.  From what I understand, the doctor plans to stop the intravenous chemotherapy and start me on a new oral chemotherapy.  Another round of treatments.  I'm tired of taking medications.  Tired of my body being out of control.  Tired of the unknown.  Tired of not feeling well and always being drained.  Tired and fed-up with not knowning what to expect day to day.  *deep sigh*

God, at least one thing I do know.  I'm so far from my pre-chemotherapy baseline and energy levels that I need you.  When I hang out with family or friends, I need you to stand by... to give me energy... to make my body behave so I can enjoy my time when people are around or to even make a trip out of the house.  So many things I used to take for granted, now I treasure every instance of freedom.

Lord, at this point in time... I can feel the presence of everyone's prayers and blessings towards Noel and I.  All the support, the hope, everyone's encouragement... Father, I can feel your warmth, your smile, your love... Lord God, somehow through all this, I feel safe.  I believe that when the time is right, you will heal me.  I don't know when or how, but I trust that you will work a miracle... That you are not calling me to live this life in this weakened state for forever.  Thank you for your mercy!

Father God, to you be all the glory and hope and praise.  In Jesus' name, I give you my hopes, my dreams, my health, my life.  Amen.  

Addendum:  my neurology appointment got moved to Feburary 26th and I will discuss the removal of my port this Monday with my oncologist on Feburary 10th.

Thanks for supporting me in my blog, in my jewelry-making, in my life!  I made my goal of selling 10 pairs of earrings and now plan to move on to making rings and bracelets.  Hurray!!!