Inadequate

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Boiling anger.  Bottled frustration.  Churning sensations of helplessness.  Lost.  Confused.  Tired.  Sad.

Lord… did you really call me to these recent commitments?  I don’t feel qualified!  What you’re asking of me are NOT my strengths!  I want to yell, rail at the world, tear objects apart!  I feel so useless.  Lord Father, knowing that the positions I’m currently committed to… none of these are quite in my areas of strength.  I want to scream “why me?” 

Then I pause.  Why not me?  *deep sigh*  Lord God, I feel so blind…  groping in the shadows... fighting non-existent objects…  flailing in the dark.  If I didn’t know so strongly that you’ve placed me in this multiple leadership position of young adult adviser, Bible study leader and sharing group leader… if, Lord, these aren’t where you’ve clearly shown me that you want me to be… I’d be happily running (very far) in the opposite direction!

Because I know you called me, I will go.  But Lord, I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing and where I’m going and how I’m supposed to get there!  *frustrated grimace*  I know, Lord, that you say to trust you… and I am because I have absolutely no other options right now.  I’m exploring the unknown, in the deepest dark… and only you guiding me by your voice.  It’s scary.  I want to cry.  I know I just started my commitments… but Lord, can I take a break yet?  Can I back out into my comfortable lifestyle of reading manga, hanging out with friends and doing my best at work?  I feel so tired and I haven’t even _started_ serving all out yet.

I know… as you’ve called, Lord, you’ll also provide.  I _know_ that you’ll provide the words, the right attitude, the strength, the energy… and I’ll very clearly know that it’s not from me because these are areas in which I lack.  In my struggles, I’m letting my fear cloud your promises of provision.  My hopelessness is leading to an internal struggle of anger and frustration that’s ready to leap out and lash out… my own fears of inadequacies are twisting the hope and joy I have while serving you into this sour bundle of nerves and endless fatigue.

Lord, Father in heaven… I lift your name on high.  Thank you for loving me enough to grow me.  Thank you for trusting me enough to place me in positions of authority were lives are changed.  Thank you for knowing my limits.  Thank you for providing me strength and insight when I have none of my own.  Thank you, Jesus, for always being there… that I know I’m never alone. 

Take away my heart of bitterness, of fear, of anger, of helplessness.  Place in me a renewed heart of love, joy, peace… help my mind and spirit find rest and comfort in your presence.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.