What If?...

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Sometimes, I wonder "what if?"

Gut-wrenching, immobilizing, breath-taking fear taking on a life of its own.  When I am truly afraid, my mind goes blank... my thoughts spiral into despair... I freeze.  Worst-case scenarios flash through my head... loss of touch, inability to eat, inability to move... these situations I consider worse than death.

What if I get so weak I can't run?  What if my digestive system gets so messed up by the cancer and chemo that I'll have to be on a strict diet?  What about tube feeding?  What happens if my eyesight gets messed up and I can't work, can't drive, can't play paintball?  What if, what if, what if.... so many horrible potentials.

On the other hand, being alive, really _living_... this, I consider the most scary.  An unknown future with no guarantee how painful or how good it will be.  And yet, I feel driven to live!  All the potential scary situations pale in comparison to seeing my living God at work: crazy miracles, peace in times of supposed despair, impossible coincidences linking themselves one after the other, prayers answered... I want to see the power of God in action.  God _is_ my guarantee.

To give up and not fight, that is not an option.  How far will I go?  I'll never know until I try.  I'm greedy.  I want to see what God will do in my life.  I want to see this living God that I believe in perform the impossible.  I want many things... but to gain all these things, I need to live for Christ and I need to live in Christ... I need to fight against despair, against fear, against myself.

If I am unwilling to make plans, I'm stuck in limbo... middle of nowhere with no direction. Frozen.  That's useless!  There is so much I want to do this year alone: host an advanced paintball event, host an all-welcome-to-come paintball event, go to Hawaii with my entire family, try archery, learn to ride a motorcycle, play paintball with focus on improving my running speed, shooting accuracy, shorten my time hiding behind bunkers to gain a more successful attack!  =D  I want to do so much!

I acknowledge that I have limited control over my fondest dreams and wildest fears... so about my future, I give all of it up to God.  I hand my life over to the only one who does know my future, my dreams, my fears.... my true capabilities.

Whatever befalls me, so long as I trust in God, knowing God has a plan for me and that I'm walking it... I have purpose, direction, hope.  God will provide the rest of what I need... I must be willing to go forward.  Where will life take me?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to living.  Doesn't matter if life is hard, life is unfair, life sucks... I only have this one life to live.  How I chose to think about my circumstances, how I chose to view my potential future and my past will determine the quality of this life.  When I die, I want to look back and say I didn't waste my time, my heart, my opportunities to live for Christ Jesus, to serve, to grow... how far will I get?  I plan to keep my gaze fixed on God and on the future he wants me to live.  If I run forward, fall, crawl... no matter how broken this life and my body can become... so long as I keep moving, I continue to live.  I have hope.

Thank you God for your power and the safety I find if you.  Jesus, it's because I know you came to earth and sacrificed yourself for me that I know I'm loved, wanted, given a purpose, given a future.  I feel like a little kid tethered by one of those backpack leashes.  I carry a burden on my back, different from any other person's and you let me run around and explore.  Father, you keep moving and I get to move with you... what an honor.  I can run, fall, but you are always there watching me, ready to provide a helping hand or to carry me when I'm tired.  Thank you, Lord God for being my source of peace and my source of comfort.

I close my eyes and imagine myself as a leaf floating on the water... a pebble tossed in my direction rocks me, a breeze pushes me around, a nearby wave tosses me about... in all this, Lord, you're like an endless deep bed of water I'm resting in... deep and calm in your depth, my protection and my savior... if I sink, you'll lift me up... in you, I can never drown.  Let me rest in the comfort of your arms, continue to give me strength, purpose, hope and joy as you carry me.  I don't know where I'm going, but you've got a place for me to be.  Thank you, Lord God, for the comfort you provide... I'm really spoiled.  With you by my side, I can go anywhere and do anything... so much freedom when I know that I can always run back to you.

Thank you Lord that I finished 3 weeks of my oral chemo treatment and that this week, I get 7 days of rest!  YAY!!!  I'm so excited!!!  Lord, you let me see how badly my body can react to the chemotherapy medication the first week with nausea, vomiting, fatigue... then you turn around and show me how good you can be!

Many people are praying for me.

I believe that because of everyone's prayers, you've chosen to take away any symptoms of nausea.  Hurray!!!  Since that first week, I haven't even taken any anti-nausea medicine!  *wide grin*  Even though I get sleepy a lot, you've shown me that I can still play paintball, celebrate my youngest brother's graduation from college, hang out with friends!  Father, you even provide so abundantly the food from families at church so that Noel and I don't have to stress about our food budget, what to cook, when and how... God, you provide above and beyond what Noel and I can even provide for ourselves.  Father God, out of your generosity through friends and family, we can bless even more people.  Seeing you in action as you provide over and over again, Lord, you are amazing and I can't wait to see how many more blessings you have in store!

In Jesus' name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.

May 18 Paintball

Youngest brother's graduation!!!  =D  Tallest to shortest.  =O