Called to Serve?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I get an email asking if I want to help serve in our young adult fellowship, Transparent, as a small group leader.  My immediate internal response is "NO!"  I don't want more stuff on my plate... I'm having fun rockclimbing and socializing with friends from church, work and my neighborhood.  Really... I don't want any more responsibilities.  *tsk tsk*

As my finger twitches over the reply button, I freeze.  What's making me hesitate?  *deep sigh*  Well, I know that I want to serve God with my whole life... but I also know that I want time to myself.  I want my personal space.  I don't want to add on more responsibilities, time drains, mandatory meetings, long drives, crazy events and even more people time (I'm a total introvert, people time drains me!).  Why in the world would I ever want to step into Transparent leadership that honestly doesn't spark my interest?  But since I've been asked... I need to properly pray and ask God what he wants me to do.... where he wants me to serve.

Lord, if you want me to be small group leader in Transparent, please give me the heart for it.  I have the heart to serve you, God, but right now I don't really want to give up my time to serve in an area that will definitely wear on me.  Lord, but I know that when I follow you, impossibly great things happen. So before I go ahead and answer on my own, I want to ask you what you want for me to do.  Lord, if you want me to be a small group leader in Transparent, give me excitement for the task.  Give me a joy and a purpose in serving.  Give me direction, ideas, a goal to work towards.  Father, I've got until the end of this year to decide.  So please, before then, can you give me an answer?  I know that if you change my heart from where it is now, then you've clearly called me.  On the other hand, Lord, if I cannot find excitement and passion to become a small group leader, I will decline the honor of the position.

Thank you Lord, knowing that whatever comes in the future, it will be more than just good!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Running towards me, an excited youth cries out "Kristy, Kristy!  I hear that Noel's going to become a youth counselor again!  Does that mean you're coming back too?"

"Sorry," I reply, "God hasn't called me to rejoin Footprints as a youth counselor."  *sad face*

I love working alongside the kids and love working besides Noel... but every time I pray about if I should rejoin the youth team, I don't hear a positive answer from God, I don't feel anything extra besides my own wants.  I can't feel a specific goal or purpose to be in Footprints with the youth.  *sad sigh* I would love to work with the youth again... every Sunday, a spark lights up when I talk, laugh and play with them... I really miss it.  But where does God want me?  Serving and creating community at work, hanging out with girls at church, mentoring young adults... these are what I'm spending most of my time on.  I'm super busy, but something's still missing.  What is it?  *puzzled look*

I know that I want to serve in the church again... but where?  How?  In what way?  My vacation time is almost over.  *wry grin*

My heart is for the youth I've grown up alongside these past 5-6 years.  I'm sad that when so many youth go off to college, they come back feeling lost, the environment changes... new people are present and others are gone.  Upon coming back to church, the new young adults are encouraged to participate in the young adult group, Transparent.  However, many never make the transition from Footprints to Transparent.  Why?  The two groups are very different in culture, attitude, people.  It's scary and uninviting to step into a new world when feeling like this should be "home."  I want to bridge that gap!

Towards the goal of bridging the youth to young adult gap, Noel and I host monthly dinner parties with games at our home to help keep the local college students plugged-in with each other.  Recently, we've also started hosting random dinner and game parties at our home when the non-local college students return home.  To spice things up, Noel and I are planning a Nerf War & Dinner Party at church on December 29th with the purpose of melding youth and returning college students and young adults into an event hosted by multiple age groups.  *excited*

For the Nerf War & Dinner Party, I want to specifically create a place where talking isn't the primary event; instead, the primary focus of the night is teamwork, community, respect and physical interaction.  I crave for this upcoming large event to break down barriers of discomfort between people of different ages who may not know each other well.  I want to provide a common topic of conversation, a place of challenge and multiply opportunities for encouragement.  Then too, there's dinner.  Dinner's purpose is teamwork.  Everyone needs to help clean-up the Nerf equipment, organize tables and chairs and then make won tons and spring rolls.  The primary reason for these specific dinner foods is so that the people present can learn and teach each other how to cook (life-skill) while allowing for laughter and flexibility in the the end product.  Furthermore, everyone needs to work together in order to have a meal to eat... the other option is to go hungry.  Am I cruel or what?  *smirk*

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Last night: successful completion of the Nerf War & Dinner Party!

I "encouraged" everyone to help clean-up, even those who don't regularly come to our church and are invited as friends.  *wide grin*  I called people by name and pulled on sleeve after sleeve issuing specific tasks:  return all the tables and chairs to their original location, hunt down every Nerf ammo including checking closets and underneath furniture in a specific area, wiping dirty tables, washing dishes and wiping floors.  *evil grin*  After a very major and thorough clean-up, I hope everyone who participated in last night's activities will leave with a sense of accomplishment, fulfilled purpose, teamwork, laughter and new memories to share.  Hopefully in church today, people who just returned from distant colleges and participated in last night's event will have Nerf war stories to tell, excitement in meeting teammates and opponents, and most of all... everyone who took part in last night's activities will feel a diminished sense of discomfort in coming back to a place that is "supposed to be home" and yet...  has changed.

Ummmmm... the youth who graduate from high school also graduate from Footprints.  These future new young adults are offered the chance to join with the young adult group in Transparent; however, the gap in culture is too wide from one group to the next... very few make the transition and may eventually feel unwanted or lost.  I don't want that to happen!  This gap is where I am most passionate about bridging. 

So where can I go and what can I do? 

With Noel going to Footprints as a youth counselor, he will be the link into Footprints.  Where is the link into Transparent?  The only person I can think of to fill that roll is... maybe me?  If I participate in Transparent... I can change and prep the culture of the young adults in Transparent and the youth I currently interact with to meld the two groups together.  I want to make the transition from Footprints to Transparent more welcoming, less shocking... to create events with the intention of bridging two very different groups in a safe-feeling, natural format.  Will just being a small group leader do?  Will I eventually need to step into an even higher level of leadership?  *deep sigh* What am I getting myself into?  Where is God leading me this time?

Father God, I want to serve you... I want to grow the youth you've placed into my life (even ones who are now adults).  I want to create a place of belonging... a place of safety each one can return to to find peace, community, friendship, advice, laughter, support and hope.  Lord, wherever you call, I will follow.  Whatever it takes... my time, my life... I will go.  Lord, as you call... give me the wisdom, courage, energy, passion... everything I need and more... to follow you.  I will not do this on my own... may my choices and my passion follow your lead.  When the time and place is right, may you open doors, prepare the path and open my heart to accept it.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Annoying Allergy

Day 1: December 13, 2012

Rolling over, I blindly grab for my phone.  Turning off the annoying alarm, I start to wake up for work.... or at least I feel like I'm awake.  My eyes are open right?  Uhhhh... my throat is on fire.  Attempting to groan, my voice croaks out unintelligible sounds.  Is this a cold?  *puzzled*  My cold's usually start with a stuffy and/or runny nose.  What's going on?  Every breath feels like fire.   

Settling back in bed, I review my last couple of days:  

On Monday (or was it Tuesday?), one of my co-workers joked about my prior year's allergic reaction to alcohol, laughing about how bad my reaction was to the amount of alcohol in half a bite of candy.  I remember laughingly saying that if I ever wanted to take off work, I'd just sip a bit of alcohol or go steal someone's alcohol-filled cholocate.  

Yesterday (Wednesday).... nothing out of the ordinary happened.  *shrug*  The meals I ate for breakfast and lunch were homemade.  The snacks at work were See's Candy (I've never had any problems eating See's Candy).  I even take the time to check online.  Nope, no alcohol content in See's Candy!  For me, vanilla and almond extracts don't appear to cause any side effects.

Ummmm... After work, I did a little rockclimbing.  No problem there!  

For dinner, I met a friend and we ate at a Japanese restaurant.  The only foods we ate were udon soup and agedashi tofu.  I've had both these dishes before, just not at this restaurant.  Just in case, I hunt online for the ingredients.  Udon... No problem... This dish is just thick noodles in a yummy broth.  Kinda salty.  The tofu?  Fried and partially soaked in a light broth.  Let's see... Ingredients: water, seaweed, bonito flakes, soy sauce, Mirin.  Ohhhhh, what's Mirin?  Let's see... Mirin.... Ahhhh, it's a type of Japanese sweet rice wine.  Bingo... Close to half the sauce was made of Mirin... A light alcohol... But still alcohol.  *deep sigh*  Doesn't matter if the broth has been boiled, I still get sick.  Only alcohol that's been deep fried doesn't seem to cause any physical reactions.  So sad....

I look forward to the next couple of days of pure misery.  How many days?  I can't remember... 3 days... 4 days?  *shrug*  It's been a while since I last consumed anything with alcohol in it.

Day 2: December 14, 2012

In addition to all the first day's list of annoyances, today, I add to my list of misery: all joints ache.  As if that wasn't bad enough, my whole body hurts when I attempt to move... then starts the huffing and puffing as I get short of breath climbing 14 steps... then dizziness... *eyes swirling*

Gargling with salt water... I tiredly remind myself how critical today is.  If I'm not careful, this alcohol allergy will turn into a cold where my snot turns green instead of a thick clear-white color.  *shudder*  If I get a cold now, then this whole painful process will last even longer.  Nooooooooooo! I can't let that happen!  I wanna go rockclimbing, not bundled up weak in bed!  *sniffle*

Day 3: December 15, 2012

No more sore throat... Yay!!!  

Instead, my nose plugs up!  Struggling to breath through my mouth, I fight my lingering weakness, headache, and whole body soreness.  Panting... I can't breathe!  No matter how many times I blow my nose, air doesn't pass through!  Shallow breathes in and out through my mouth.  *bottled frustration*

Focus... Deep breaths... Minimize the cracking lips... Don't lick. Without energy, I stumble my way to the restroom for lip moisturizer.  Through trial and error these last few days... I've realized even with the use of lip balm, my lips dry and crack within 30 minutes.  With the use of petroleum jelly, same issue.  I pull out a tube of 100% lanolin and apply the thick unforgiving material to my lips.  Slowly, the warmth of my lips melt the lanolin. *relief*  Thickly coating the cracks and peeling skin on my lips, the pain temporarily fades away.  At most, this relief will last an hour until the battle starts again: do I move or do I continue to huddle in bed, minimizing the aches to my body, but multiplying the damage when my lips crack?

 

Determination.... More oxygen, deep breaths... Stretch out my lungs.  Why does breathing take so much effort?  Miserable, I curl up deeper under heavy blankets.

Day 4: December 16, 2012

Coughing, sneezing, fatigue.  Some of the ache fades away... But where is my strength? Grrrrrrrr....

Noel's not home right now.  Hungry, I go downstairs to microwave some leftovers and get myself something to drink.  So far, I've only gone downstairs twice: yesterday and today.  Scarfing food down (at least my throat doesn't hurt anymore), I heat up a hot pack to carry back upstairs. Crawling into bed, I fix the tousled sheets. Panting for air, I flop backwards.  Control. Deep breath in.  Now, slow breath out.  Repeat. Deep breath in, slow breath out. Don't struggle... I've gotta relax.  As is, today is already waayyyyyy better than yesterday!  Hurray!!!!

Day 6: December 18, 2012

Sooooo much better today!  I completed a full day's worth of work and didn't even need a nap when I got home!  My throat's a little dry and my nose is still a little stuffy... But overall, I'm so very happy to feel better.  No problems at work,  plenty of energy to cook and even sew tonight. Yay!!!!  Thank you Lord Jesus for my overall health. I can't wait to go rockclimbing tomorrow!  *Smirk* I don't stay down for long... Too boring!  *Wide grin*

Day 15: December 27, 2012

Lord Father God, thank you that this struggle with my alcohol allergy is completely over!  Well, actually, thank you that since Christmas Eve, no major issues!  I'm so happy to spend time with family and friends for Christmas these last couple of days with a fully functioning body!  Hurray!  Already, the memory of my struggles: the pain, the fatigue, the trouble breathing... almost gone!  *wide grin*  Good thing that I have a brain that doesn't dwell on the difficulties, but focuses on the blessings of my life.  Thank you, Father God, for uniquely creating me and helping me through various struggles... be it dealing with my body or my attitude or tough situations... to know that you, Lord, are always there for me... I need never fight in desperation alone.

Lord, thank you for sending your only son, Jesus Christ, born as fully man and fully God, celebrated each Christmas season, to die on the cross so that we can walk by your side.  Thank you, Father God, that the sacrifice of blood you require as payment for our separation from you (sin) is already paid through Christ's death and resurrection.  Thank you for the Holy Spirit, to guide me, teach me, correct me as I stumble blindly through my chaotic life.  Thank you, God, that you, three in one (Trinity) are one God, of one mind... that there is no difficulty knowing where I stand when I seek you.  Thank you for your promise of helping me overcoming impossible-seeming hurdles.  Thank you for the peace I find in you even in the worse of times.  Thank you for a life filled with harsh difficulties and the ability to march forward with my head held high.  Thank you for both the bad and all the good in my life as I am able to joyfully walk with you by my side.... a life filled with purpose, a life filled with meaning... never truly lost... never alone... a life filled with hope.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

May the Lord of all creation bless you and your family with peace and joy and hope even in the most difficult of situations... that your eyes will be open to the wonders of this world and the many many God-given blessings in your life.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Dec 26: Crazy dinner party of 12 people all cooking together at once!  Soooo FUN!!!  *drool*  Food's great too!   =D

Caught a Cold

Friday, November 14, 2012

Throat on fire, limbs weak, joints ache... Is this what it means to be sick?  Grrrrrrrrrrr...  I don't feel like doing anything today except be absolutely LAZY!  *Smirk* A thousand things I should or could do flitter through my head. Next comes the excuses: It's cold, I'm tired, my head aches and my mouth feels dry. *Wide grin* If only being sick felt good, I could be enjoying this time like a mini vacation!

Father God, thank you for this break... It sucks to feel weak and achy and irritable, but I also thank you for this break I have from my daily routine.  Now... Help me get better quick please!

In Jesus' name, amen.

New Challenge, Old Struggle

 What is an addiction?  Dependency?  Craving?  Need?  Obsession?  Habit?
 What do I have when it comes to reading?


Thursday, November, 29, 2012

Location: Transparent (young adult) girls' group

Around and around the spindle goes... Where will it land?  Slowing to a stop, everyone leans in to read this week's challenge: "fasting and prayer."

*grimace*  Prayer's okay... That's talking to God and I tend to do that a lot anyways.  So what's the problem?  Well, I _hate_ fasting!  I'm no good at it!  This week's challenge is totally my weak point!  *deep sigh*

The purpose of fasting is to set aside something (usually not something easy to do) and use that time, or craving, as a cue to pray.  So what can I give up for this week?  Not eating... Well, I _love_ eating, but that's not my most difficult thing to give up.  So what do I do most during my free time?  I read manga or books.  Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  I don't wanna give up reading!  However, to honor God, I feel that I need to forgo something I truly treasure.  The time that I gain, the cravings that I will confront, this time of internal strife will be my cue to pray, my time to refocus on spending time with God.

Inside, I feel that if I really REALLY want to honor God with a truly appropriate fast, I need to give my treasure... my best.

Lord, I've tried to think what else I can fast with... Food, how I do my work, time I spend on various things... But no matter what options I come up with, I keep feeling that to give up reading manga AND reading novels is what I cling most to, the thing I'm most unwilling to let go; and therefore, the most important option to choose for my week-long fast.

Help me!  Lord God, you know how deep-rooted my fixation to reading is... This crazy driving obsession to read every spare moment I have.  Lord, you've helped me manage most of my cravings in regards to reading.  I notice my struggle most when I'm at home, in the quiet, during my free time.  Do I do chores or read?  Do I spend time with Noel or read?  Do I take care of the cats or read?  Do I sleep or read?  In all of my daily choices, the chance to read even a page or two, takes on a very high priority.

Father, every spare moment of my time and my thoughts falls into a fantasy land of another person's creative imagination.  So often, I feel that I'm fighting an uphill battle and loosing every single step of the way.  I don't find fulfillment nor peace in reading... It doesn't fill this black hole inside of me, a raving pit of insanity, uncontrollable frustration... But Lord, I've experienced peace, joy, fulfillment, calm and freedom when I sink deeply into your presence... So knowing all this, help me, Lord God, Father of Jesus, to seek you first over my twisted dependency on living in a dream world of another's creation.  I'm stuck... incapable of freeing myself.  Lord, I need you here with me!  Be my strength.  Be my reasoning as I swim through periods of insanity, clawing cravings, and treacherous attempts at self-justification!  Father, I call you "Lord," may you be the true living Lord of my life.

God, I know that any sacrifice you call for me to take up... that it isn't for my loss, but instead to gain more of you, to be set apart so I can know you more, to attain your best for me when I can't even grasp and control my own life.  I don't know why something so innocuous as reading is my addiction, my bondage, my chain... But it is.  Lord, you've freed me before, please free me once again!

In the name of Jesus, as both God and Son, I pray, amen.


Friday, November 30, 2012

Failure.

I keep myself occupied by rockclimbing after work, getting home after Noel is home, watching anime with my husband, but there's always spare time.  A little unoccupied free time before going to bed. Read manga?  I can't!  My fingers are itching to read manga on my iPad!  Telling myself I won't read, I open my iPad... Then somehow, I'm in iBooks checking out a newly downloaded novel.  One justification after another... In the blink of an eye, I realize I read 8 chapters!

Guilt.  Anger.  Frustration.  Disappointment.  Shame.

Shouldn't it be easy not to read?  What happened to keeping my word or even wanting to honor God? I feel pitiful.  The craving, the pull is so strong... Funny right?  Addiction to reading.  *sarcasm*  I feel stupid.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The iPad lays quietly by my bedside.  Without a second thought, I flip open my iPad's protective cover.  So easy!  Oh hey... There's a new manga!  The update symbol is present.  I wonder what manga is new?  How about I check which manga it is?  Noooooo!  I CANNOT keep slipping!  I feel miserable enough in my struggles and in my failures.  Each time I turn away from reading is a victory... Each failure feels like a landslide.  Pain.  Anger.  Frustration.  Self-hatred.  Guilt.

Even as I type this blog, part of me is itching to slide my fingers or push a button to check the novels I have stored in iBooks or peek at the newly updated manga... Just a peek!  No!  Keep typing, keep struggling, keep fighting!

Lord God, you are the only one worth this fight, this internal struggle... Lord, only for you and through you do I even have this strength, this purpose, this determination to be more than I am.  Only for you, Jesus, for the ability to walk besides you, for the chance to know more of you do I even bother to confront this super-difficult personal challenge for the freedom you so freely offer.  Only for my Lord who is worthy, the creator of all.  Only for you, God, will I let go of my treasures... knowing that to die to myself, my wants, my cravings, my obsessions is to gain more, not just in heaven, but that with this fast, I am being blessed here and now.  So Lord, I praise your name and ask that in this battle of my heart, my time, my mind... that you open my eyes to see your blessings and that those blessings will enable me to face myself with peace.  To once again gain freedom from the chains of my obsession with reading.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.