Cancer Update: What's new?

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Can you believe this is my 100th blog post?! Did I really write that much?  =O  Ummmm.... maybe I read the counter wrong?  100 blog posts doesn't seem possible!  *shrug*  I'm too lazy to check.  *wink*

I apologize for taking so long to write.  I’ve got a lot to say, but at the same time… I don’t quite know how to say it…. So here it is... the newest of the new update concerning my health:

April 3, 2013  Routine CT scan with contrast of my chest and abdomen.

April 11, 2013  Email from my doctor saying she wants to see me tomorrow.

April 12, 2013  Get my CT scan results: “multiple hyperenhancing soft tissue lesions in the pelvis, concerning for recurrent disease.”  Largest area is 1.7cm.  Four separate areas are specifically documented.

April 12-14, 2013 Transparent young adult retreat... God timed everything perfectly to give me a place and time to quietly reset myself!

April 22, 2013  Appointment with my oncologist: 7 lesions noted when my CT scan was reviewed.  I will start oral chemotherapy medication (Temodar 120mg) for 10 weeks. 

May 4, 2013  Chemotherapy medication arrived in the mail.  10pm: I take my two capsules. 

May 5, 2013  5am: Wake up to vomit.  8am:  vomit.  So not fun!  On the other hand, this is my fault.  I believed that since I’ll just be starting the chemotherapy, that I wouldn’t be nauseous since the concentration hasn’t built-up enough in my body.  Wrong… I feel like throwing up so much my jaws hurt from clenching my teeth together.  I give.  I give!  There’s no way I can live without anti-nausea medications while on this chemo drug!  After taking 4mg of Zofran, most of my nausea is gone.  2pm: nausea returns… so I take 2mg more of Zofran (quarter pill).  7:20pm: I give in and take 4mg of the anti-nausea med, Zofran, along with my chemo medicine (Temodar).  11:30pm:  not bad… slightly queasy, but nowhere close to throwing up!  YAY!!!  At this rate, I’ll probably need to dose myself with some sort of anti-nausea medication throughout each day… I’m not letting this medication leave my side!  Throwing up is so NOT worth my preference for avoiding or minimizing use of medication.  =D  Kristy can be taught!

May 6, 2013  Maybe I didn't learn well enough.   Tried taking the Temodar without the Zofran... after 2 hours, I again start feeling queasy... take a quarter piece of the Zofran.

May7, 2013  Not feeling so good first thing at work in the morning... guess minimizing the use of the Zofran isn't so smart?  Fine, fine... I'll take another quarter piece!  Good thing this anti-nausea medicine works quick!  Throwing up at work wouldn't look too good.  =O  Maybe I should try one-eighth a piece of the Zofran?  Heheheeee... it's already hard enough to cut up quarter pieces!  *smirk*

Plan:

*If the chemotherapy medication works, I will get surgery to remove the cancerous areas and then continue the regime of oral chemotherapy (Temodar) for 6 months.

*If the chemotherapy does NOT work, I’ll get surgery anyways to remove the cancerous cells and trial another form of chemotherapy afterwards.

Upcoming:

*blood-work every 2 weeks

*CT scan in early July

*Consult with oncologist and surgeon on July 8, 2013

Father God, I’m so confused.  I don’t know whether to cry, scream, pound the walls and break-down in fear that I have to go through another cancer treatment....  Or, should I rejoice that life’s definitely not boring and I again have stuff to blog about and stories to shareof your great power in action?  *smirk*  I must be crazy right?… to enjoy this kind of painful challenge?  *wink*  Yeah... I'm crazy!

First hearing about the confirmation that my cancer is back… I feel lost.  Rushing emotion swirling around with nothing to grasp for stability.  Buffeted by my emotions and the emotions of others… painfully unbalanced, trying my best to grasp at anything stable, feeble hands tearing at nothingness.  In all this, only you, Lord God, stayed constant. Because of you, I feel... 

Peace                      Calm 

          Hope             

                                              Joy            

                                Stability 

   Security        

                    Safety  

                                                         Strength 

                                                                        Courage  

                                          Power

By myself, I flutter and float on the slightest breeze.  Only when I’m fully plugged in with you, Father God, can I handle the power and strength given by so many others without getting burnt.  Only by you, my Lord and my Savior, can I harness the strength to keep moving, to keep my priorities straight, to look ahead into the unknown, to find true rest.

Blessings upon blessing I have received.  All my doctors are quick to respond and of one accord in regards to my treatment.  Part of me really wants this round of chemotherapy and surgery to be my last round… but I also am comfortable with the idea that you, Lord, are in full control.  Even my initial denial for surgical care at Stanford was turned around in two days!  There was huge confusion in regards to getting my chemotherapy medications... and at just the right time, Lord, you got it to me.  From the very day I take my new medication to my future doctor appointments… everything in my life, Lord, you have shown me your power and your provision, your perfect timing… from the people I meet to every conversation I’m blessed to have… you are a God who loves me so much and gives me so much to live for… what else can I do but live this life you’ve blessed me with?  Teach me to live my life to the fullest!

In Jesus’ name I give my thanks, amen.

This is Noel and I at our young adult retreat on April 14, 2013

Called to Serve?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I get an email asking if I want to help serve in our young adult fellowship, Transparent, as a small group leader.  My immediate internal response is "NO!"  I don't want more stuff on my plate... I'm having fun rockclimbing and socializing with friends from church, work and my neighborhood.  Really... I don't want any more responsibilities.  *tsk tsk*

As my finger twitches over the reply button, I freeze.  What's making me hesitate?  *deep sigh*  Well, I know that I want to serve God with my whole life... but I also know that I want time to myself.  I want my personal space.  I don't want to add on more responsibilities, time drains, mandatory meetings, long drives, crazy events and even more people time (I'm a total introvert, people time drains me!).  Why in the world would I ever want to step into Transparent leadership that honestly doesn't spark my interest?  But since I've been asked... I need to properly pray and ask God what he wants me to do.... where he wants me to serve.

Lord, if you want me to be small group leader in Transparent, please give me the heart for it.  I have the heart to serve you, God, but right now I don't really want to give up my time to serve in an area that will definitely wear on me.  Lord, but I know that when I follow you, impossibly great things happen. So before I go ahead and answer on my own, I want to ask you what you want for me to do.  Lord, if you want me to be a small group leader in Transparent, give me excitement for the task.  Give me a joy and a purpose in serving.  Give me direction, ideas, a goal to work towards.  Father, I've got until the end of this year to decide.  So please, before then, can you give me an answer?  I know that if you change my heart from where it is now, then you've clearly called me.  On the other hand, Lord, if I cannot find excitement and passion to become a small group leader, I will decline the honor of the position.

Thank you Lord, knowing that whatever comes in the future, it will be more than just good!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Running towards me, an excited youth cries out "Kristy, Kristy!  I hear that Noel's going to become a youth counselor again!  Does that mean you're coming back too?"

"Sorry," I reply, "God hasn't called me to rejoin Footprints as a youth counselor."  *sad face*

I love working alongside the kids and love working besides Noel... but every time I pray about if I should rejoin the youth team, I don't hear a positive answer from God, I don't feel anything extra besides my own wants.  I can't feel a specific goal or purpose to be in Footprints with the youth.  *sad sigh* I would love to work with the youth again... every Sunday, a spark lights up when I talk, laugh and play with them... I really miss it.  But where does God want me?  Serving and creating community at work, hanging out with girls at church, mentoring young adults... these are what I'm spending most of my time on.  I'm super busy, but something's still missing.  What is it?  *puzzled look*

I know that I want to serve in the church again... but where?  How?  In what way?  My vacation time is almost over.  *wry grin*

My heart is for the youth I've grown up alongside these past 5-6 years.  I'm sad that when so many youth go off to college, they come back feeling lost, the environment changes... new people are present and others are gone.  Upon coming back to church, the new young adults are encouraged to participate in the young adult group, Transparent.  However, many never make the transition from Footprints to Transparent.  Why?  The two groups are very different in culture, attitude, people.  It's scary and uninviting to step into a new world when feeling like this should be "home."  I want to bridge that gap!

Towards the goal of bridging the youth to young adult gap, Noel and I host monthly dinner parties with games at our home to help keep the local college students plugged-in with each other.  Recently, we've also started hosting random dinner and game parties at our home when the non-local college students return home.  To spice things up, Noel and I are planning a Nerf War & Dinner Party at church on December 29th with the purpose of melding youth and returning college students and young adults into an event hosted by multiple age groups.  *excited*

For the Nerf War & Dinner Party, I want to specifically create a place where talking isn't the primary event; instead, the primary focus of the night is teamwork, community, respect and physical interaction.  I crave for this upcoming large event to break down barriers of discomfort between people of different ages who may not know each other well.  I want to provide a common topic of conversation, a place of challenge and multiply opportunities for encouragement.  Then too, there's dinner.  Dinner's purpose is teamwork.  Everyone needs to help clean-up the Nerf equipment, organize tables and chairs and then make won tons and spring rolls.  The primary reason for these specific dinner foods is so that the people present can learn and teach each other how to cook (life-skill) while allowing for laughter and flexibility in the the end product.  Furthermore, everyone needs to work together in order to have a meal to eat... the other option is to go hungry.  Am I cruel or what?  *smirk*

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Last night: successful completion of the Nerf War & Dinner Party!

I "encouraged" everyone to help clean-up, even those who don't regularly come to our church and are invited as friends.  *wide grin*  I called people by name and pulled on sleeve after sleeve issuing specific tasks:  return all the tables and chairs to their original location, hunt down every Nerf ammo including checking closets and underneath furniture in a specific area, wiping dirty tables, washing dishes and wiping floors.  *evil grin*  After a very major and thorough clean-up, I hope everyone who participated in last night's activities will leave with a sense of accomplishment, fulfilled purpose, teamwork, laughter and new memories to share.  Hopefully in church today, people who just returned from distant colleges and participated in last night's event will have Nerf war stories to tell, excitement in meeting teammates and opponents, and most of all... everyone who took part in last night's activities will feel a diminished sense of discomfort in coming back to a place that is "supposed to be home" and yet...  has changed.

Ummmmm... the youth who graduate from high school also graduate from Footprints.  These future new young adults are offered the chance to join with the young adult group in Transparent; however, the gap in culture is too wide from one group to the next... very few make the transition and may eventually feel unwanted or lost.  I don't want that to happen!  This gap is where I am most passionate about bridging. 

So where can I go and what can I do? 

With Noel going to Footprints as a youth counselor, he will be the link into Footprints.  Where is the link into Transparent?  The only person I can think of to fill that roll is... maybe me?  If I participate in Transparent... I can change and prep the culture of the young adults in Transparent and the youth I currently interact with to meld the two groups together.  I want to make the transition from Footprints to Transparent more welcoming, less shocking... to create events with the intention of bridging two very different groups in a safe-feeling, natural format.  Will just being a small group leader do?  Will I eventually need to step into an even higher level of leadership?  *deep sigh* What am I getting myself into?  Where is God leading me this time?

Father God, I want to serve you... I want to grow the youth you've placed into my life (even ones who are now adults).  I want to create a place of belonging... a place of safety each one can return to to find peace, community, friendship, advice, laughter, support and hope.  Lord, wherever you call, I will follow.  Whatever it takes... my time, my life... I will go.  Lord, as you call... give me the wisdom, courage, energy, passion... everything I need and more... to follow you.  I will not do this on my own... may my choices and my passion follow your lead.  When the time and place is right, may you open doors, prepare the path and open my heart to accept it.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.