Heart Check

“What do you treasure?”

Huh???  Lots of things are important in my life.  There’s Noel, my job, my hobbies… *mumble mumble* the list gets longer and longer.  Really, Kristy, you’re just avoiding the heart of this question!

Okay, okay… let me reword this question for myself:  “What stuff in my life do I not want to change or let go of?  Is there one key item that hinders my walk with Jesus Christ?”

I, who proudly proclaim that I am a follower of God, servant of Jesus Christ, one who says “God is to be first in my life and my focus”… can I honestly say that I place my Lord God first in all aspects of my life? 

Nope. 

Even without taking a good hard look at myself, I already know that there are many things I struggle with; my head easily turns away from following the one I choose to call Lord.  In my quick list of issues, there is one thing that even the very thought of stopping makes me cringe: reading manga. 

Sounds silly right?  *wry grin*

Every free hour, day after day, week after week… for over 18 years of my life… I’ve read manga.  For 10 years before that, I’ve read novels.  Before even that, it was picture books.  =O

Scarfing down story after story, escaping reality, living in the lives of made-up characters… this takes up a huge chunk of my life.  On the surface, I socialize fairly well.  I interact with others.  I work.  I serve at church.  I have interesting hobbies.  However, at the end of each day, I spend my face buried in stories.

All in all, reading’s not a bad hobby to have right?  Yeah… on the surface, reading in my free time really isn’t anything bad.  But, the key issue comes down to where my heart is. 

I believe that God blesses me with free time… to rest, to read… but why do I have such a hard time letting go of my reading?  Do I treasure reading above my heart for God?

Second question (well… many questions later), I ask myself: “Does my excessive reading prevent me from fully experiencing God?”

Yes. 

All hemming and hawing aside, I must confess that there are definitely times where I could better serve God if I took the time to know him more.  All the hours I spent buried in my novels… if even a fraction of that time was used to deepen my relationship with God… how much closer would I be to the God I serve?  How much better would I know the character and the love my God has for me and those around me? 

I believe that this world is a spiritual battlefield; and unfortunately, because of my slacking off, I am ill-equipped to fight.  Since I dare to call God “my Lord,” why then am I serving myself over him?  If my life is to live as a servant of Christ, I need to serve Christ first in all things.  If the purpose of my life is to glorify him, then my actions better reflect his character.  To call myself a child of Christ, my lifestyle needs to include his presence.

At the end of my internal debate... where is my heart? 

Do I want to choose God or choose myself? 

For me, what is truly most important? 

What is my one treasure above all others?

What do I live for?

Father God, please change my heart.  I keep saying I want to place you first in my life, but saying it and doing so are two different issues.  Lord, I want my actions to match my words.  I want my heart to be in line with yours. 

Forgive me, Lord, for saying that I follow you when a huge part of me continually puts you aside to place myself first.  To experience you fully, Lord God, I want to place you first in my heart and first in my life.  Help me do so.  Transform my heart, Lord Jesus, so that my eyes are fixed on you and not of this world.  I want to see you more.  I want to know you more.  May your Spirit speak your truth clearly into my heart so that I can fully live every bit of this life you’ve blessed me with.  Help me live fully for you and with you.  Lord, I ask that you remove the chains that drag me down.  Free me to clearly choose what pleases you because I know that when I follow you, I feel fulfilled in ways that pleasing myself doesn’t accomplish.

Lord, I ask for freedom in my choices, wisdom in my use of time, gentleness in my words, kindness in my heart and joy in my spirit. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Celebrating Noel's birthday:

Racing Days

Three, two, one, GO!!!

The flag drops, my tires squeal as the acceleration pushes me back into my seat.  Look ahead!  Coming up is a sweeping right turn, left, right, right again.  The harness holds me tight in my seat as the g-force sways me side to side.  My hands grip the steering wheel as I dance the car through a field of cones.  Sharp left, the tail of my car swings around setting me up for the slalom; a nice even pattern of left, right, left, right… break before the turn and back onto the gas again.  Apex that corner so my car can accelerate in a straighter line.  Bouncing over a random bump, I stay on the gas… this last turn looks really tight… don’t give in!  Keeping my foot hard on the gas pedal, I barely dive through the last turn into a hard breaking, tire squealing stop.  Shaking with adrenaline, I carefully pick up my time slip and slap it on the dash.  Gently, I guide my car back onto the grid for the next run. 

My heartbeat still pounds in my ears… I can barely even hear.  I need to plan my next run.  Where did I break too early?  Too late?  How can I take that fourth turn faster?  What’s the best angle to hit the slalom?  Can I blast through that last turn any quicker?  I need more speed, take tighter turns, and find the optimum racing line while avoiding the cones. 

Calming down, I unbuckle my harness and half stand, half roll myself out of my seat.  Standing on shaky legs, I crouch down to feel the tires.  The sun’s on the right of my car, that side’s tires are too warm.  Popping the hood, I let the engine cool a little.  I need to cool down the right tires by spraying the front tires with water, maybe a little water onto the rear tire too.  Let’s lower the front left tire pressure by 0.5psi and the front right by 0.75psi.  What else?  Hmmmmm, guess that’s good enough for now.

Noel steps into the driver’s seat, his turn to race.  I help to strap him in.  At the last moment, I drop the hood, give the car a final check and throw Noel a thumb’s up.  Time to see who’s faster! 

Ah… memories.  *deep sigh* 

This week, as I once again meet up with friends I made during my years of racing, the memories of my racing days hit me hard.  This is where I first met Noel.  This is where I really learned how to handle my car.  I miss the sound of squealing tires and burning rubber.  My hands still feel the vibrations of the steering wheel as my car and I squeeze through turns.  This is where I first experienced friendship in combination with competition.  Nice!

Lord God, you called Noel and I out of racing… then you took me out of paintballing and rockclimbing.  Part of me still hurts that I’ve had to place these hobbies on an indefinite hold.  However, Lord, you are an amazing God.  Lord, you don’t just take away, but in the place of my hobbies, you bring such great joy and give me even more things to do.  You show me the love of my husband, the beauty of life-long friendship, the strength of family, the limits my body can go beyond as I lean on your strength, the treasure that work really is, and the blessings of living my identity in you and not by anything I can do. 

Lord, I may be physically weak, but I do not regret this life in which I’ve chosen to follow you.  You give me meaning in my life, purpose in my path, and strength in my steps.  Keep my eyes focused on you.  Help me not to stray too far to the left or the right.  May my words and my life continue to be a testimony of your goodness, your mercy, and your power.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel and I with Alan, one of the first racing buddies I made almost 13 years ago!

Working, but Never Alone

Ready?               Up!

Wrap 

                     Pull 

    Wrap                   Pull 

I'm starting to get tired. 

My day is just starting so I really shouldn't complain.  My co-worker is helping by lifting the patient's leg.  Really, all I'm doing is leaning over the bed and stretching an ace wrap in a spiral pattern from the feet up the leg.  Working on the second leg, I can feel the smallest tremor in my muscles.  Already?  How in the world am I going to make it through today?  Not by my own strength that's for sure! 

My goal is to serve where I am.  Using everything God's given to me, I want to provide my patients the best service possible.  But how?  I'm confused as to if and how I need to moderate my own activity.  If I go all out, will I have the endurance to continue with all the treatments needed throughout the day?  Will I get burnt out?  Should I save some of my energy in reserve for later?  How much is too much and how little is too little? 

Lord God, I'm really confused.  I know you have the ability to give me strength beyond my own, but I also know you've blessed me with a brain capable of learning my own limitations.  When do I use what you've given me and when do I lean on you for more?  I really don't know enough and I hate the answer "each situation is different so it depends."  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.  All I know, Father God, is that I am here, working a weekend day...  kind of lonely but never alone.

Initially, I was scheduled to work Sunday.  Thank you so much that I didn't!  Not knowing until afterwards that Sunday (working completely in the burn unit with no assistance from another therapist) there was a patient who got discharged and 3 new admits... all requiring a lot of effort and time... AND a handful of current burn unit patients that all needed therapy.  Yikes!

Lord, with my current abilties, there's no way I can serve all the patients in the burn unit to meet the needs of what Sunday required.  Instead, you provided a switch where my co-worker willingly took my Sunday so that I can work on Saturday instead.  Father, you blessed me completely by providing another therapist to lean on, enough time to complete all my paperwork, and that all my afternoon patients with wounds came early!  Hurray!!!!

Honestly, beats me how I exactly made it through Saturday.  Definately not by my own abilities!

Lord God, all I know is that I continusously prayed throughout my entire work day: begging for wisdom, asking for stregnth, requesting your assistance with the timing and types of treatments... the list goes on and on.  And the coolest thing?  You helped me more than just survive this Saturday of work, but allowed me to thrive by providing everything from therapy and timing to patient participation and staffing assist.

Father God, to you I give all the glory and praise!

The fact that I can work, knowing that if my back is ever in a corner, you always open a way out.  So yes, Lord, blindly I follow.  Each step.  Each day.  When I'm scared.  When I'm lost.  Into your care I leave all the many things out of my own control so that I can serve others as you've shown me through the examples of Jesus Christ.  Continue to give me strength in my body, endurance during my treatments, stability of my body when I'm fatigued, a positive attitude in you and peace in the knowledge that I'm never alone, never truly stuck, never fully hopeless or helpless.

Thank you, Father God, that I can so enjoy work, in serving and in being served, exactly where I am.  Wherever I am, whomever I'm with... may you continue to shape my heart to seek you and to serve others... not for my own pride nor self-satisfaction, but to glorify you. 

I will work with all my heart to you, O Lord, and not to man because you promised to never leave me, to never forsake me.  Dwelling in your presence, I will never be alone, never truly lack for anything... so please, Lord, continue to teach me how to serve you right here and right now.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Having fun with the toys (Amanda's getting kind of squashed LOL):

Gift of Sleep

Yay, I'm home!!!!!!

Bed... so comfy... it's calling out to me.

Quickly, I change clothes and roll into bed.  

Soft

Cool 

Welcoming 

Pulling a sheet over me, I wiggle myself into the perfect spot.  

Peace 

Quiet 

Calm

Slowly, my eyes drift shut.

*phone ringing*

What? Huh?  Oh.... 2 hours have past.  Wow... I haven't been able to drift off into sleep so easily in weeks!

Father God, thank you so much for a good nap.  Growing up, I never had any trouble sleeping.  As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm totally out and gone.  Prior to this past year, I never understood what it meant or what it felt like to lay down and not have my mind shut off.  Now I know.  One more item to add on my growing list of personal experiences.  *wry grin*

Lord, these past few weeks, I'm crawling into bed by 8pm.  My mind isn't able to drift off until 2am. Then I wake up around 4:40am, 5:30am, 6:10am... by the time 6:30 rolls around, I'm supposed to be out of bed and getting ready for work.  Father, thank you for helping me through these sleepless nights when even though I'm super tired and my body won't shut off enough to rest, thank you that I can still function on so little sleep.  During these times, searching for sleep, craving rest, thank you for always keeping me company.

Father, thank you for giving me this body that keeps getting stronger.  I don't feel dizzy or shaky as often as I used to.  I don't feel as miserable and tired like I did 4 months ago. I'm no longer in pain like I was 6 months ago.  I no longer feel hopelessly broken like I did a year ago.  As each day passes, the memory of old difficulties fade as I confront new and more immediate trials.

Thank you, Father God, that you are totally in control of my life, my health, my work.  Thank you for giving me the strength and motivation to add more hours at my work.  Thank you for providing a work schedule where I can commit to being present.  Thank you that every struggle, every hurt, every mistake... that none of my time here on Earth is wasted.  Thank you that each difficulty is used to grow my strength, my courage and my faith in you.

Lord God, I don't know where I'm headed in this life nor what I'll be able to do in the future... but I do know that you have a plan, a purpose, a reason for this life of mine.

So, in Jesus' name I continue to dedicate this life to my Lord God, amen.  

During our youthgroup's 2014 Senior SendOff event, this is a picture of me and LegoMan:

In Broken Hopes & Dreams

Opening my laptop, I see a sticky note.  "DO YOUR BLOG!  =P  MUAH!"

Noel went off to the church retreat for the weekend and I'm finding surprise notes all around the house.  So cute! 

But.... I don't wanna!  Actually, I already have a blog post written... just don't want to edit it and post it.  You'd think the editing and posting is easy... well, it is.  I'm just lazy.  I'd rather write a handful of journal entries than to go through it again and again to polish it.  =S 

Okay.  Okay.  Think of this long 3-week break from blogging as my birthday gift to myself.  *smirk*  I'll get my butt back in gear now.  Yup yup....

(Sitting at my computer.  Staring at the word-filled screen.  Hand on mouse.  Motionless.)

6 hours later...

July 6, 2014

"What will you be like in 20 years?  What do you expect to have?  Write each individual want, dream, hope, expectation down on its own piece of paper."

High school youth sprawl on the floor in a large circle.  Thoughtful faces.  Intense scribbling. First one paper then another flies to the center.  Quickly, a small pile of bent and creased index cards form.

"Here, lets have two of you organize all the papers into groups and label the theme of each pile."

House.  Job.  Car.  Vacation locations.  Husband/Wife.  Children.  Hobbies.  Successes.  Personal characteristics.  Money.  Stability.  Comfort items.  Material goods.  This is what these youth want to achieve, acquire and experience in their future.

Organizing the piles of what these youth want in their lives 20 years down the road, I see a reflection of my own hopes and dreams.

My eyes scan across the semi-circle of youth sprawling on the floor.  I see apathy and curiosity, alert attentiveness and casual disinterest.  Either way, no one is talking.  All ears are open to listen and all eyes pointing towards Noel and I.  Now, it is our turn to share.  Using these cards neatly organized in front of us, Noel and I will take turns sharing our own dreams from our high school days and the outcomes we experience now, many years later.

Grabbing a pile, I look at the topic:  "Husband/Wife."  Ahhhhhh, this brings back memories.  I remember laying in bed, eyes unfocused, staring at the ceiling.  What kind of husband do I want?  What kind of marriage do I want to have?  How serious am I going to be about my criteria and why?

I'd like a man who is handsome, but we all get old anyways so this will go on my "I would like but not have to have list."  My whole family is tall, so someone who is at least 5'8" to 5'10" would be great.  A man who speaks Mandarin so he can participate with my family during dinner conversations that switch between Chinese and English is ideal.  

On the other hand, there are things I absolutely will not compromise on.  I need someone who loves me and sees/knows the real me.  I have to have a man who loves God first and has the heart to follow Jesus Christ above even his heart for me because this is the type of life I want to live for myself.  I seek a man who desires to grow his relationship with God as his priority so that we can be of one heart and one mind... to truly be able to say that Jesus Christ is the head of our household in all respects, to be equals and acknowledged stewards of all God's given gifts.  I want a husband with whom I can share my entire life with.  A man to share in my future and my goals.  A man who will walk the same path I do, towards Jesus Christ.  This is my dream husband, my ideal.

Before I met Noel, there was only one man who ever made it past the barriers around my heart.  He was a childhood friend.  I can say that I really really liked him.  Back in college, we would talk on the phone every night.  Sometimes, he would come up to Davis to meet me.  One time, I even went down to LA to meet him.  One night while we were talking on the phone, I got asked the question "will you be my girlfriend?"  Happy and ecstatic, I wanted to answer "yes!"  But wait... my purpose of a boyfriend is for assessing if the man is appropriate to be my husband.  This man does not know God, much less place Jesus as first in his life.  He cannot, as he is now, be my life partner.  No matter how hard we try to work this relationship, he will never understand my heart for Christ unless he also experiences the same.  As things stand, he will never be able to be my spiritual equal, to walk in the same direction, to understand the reasoning behind my decisions, to truly know the largest aspect of my life.  I don't want to be lonely in my walk with my Lord God from the person who is supposed to walk closest by my side on this earth.

I remember having to say "no, I cannot be your girlfriend."  Trying to explain myself, telling this man that even if I cared for him... that a deeper relationship would not work out.  I remember that night, sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.  I lay huddled in my sleeping bag with tears constantly seeping out of my eyes.  Fist in my mouth, I did my best to stifle my cries.  My chest hurts.  I'm suffocating inside.  I can't believe I just let go of this someone I really really wanted to be with... but, in the long run, I would hurt more to stick with someone, who I knew from the very start, didn't walk towards the same future I seek.

Lord, to me, following you is worth this pain.  My heart twists inside, but I want to choose you over myself.  I need you, Father God, more than anything else this world offers.  Even though I struggle to let go of what I think I want, what I think I need... Lord, I know that you have even better.

You, Father God, Jesus Christ, are my goal, my role model, my purpose in this life.  You hold my true heart.  You know me above and beyond what I even know of myself.  I will not accept second best.  Lord God, you take first in my heart so give me a partner who will also place you first.  Sooth this pain I feel in my chest.  Someday, if it is your will, allow me to walk beside a man who seeks you first, and in doing so, may I have a man who can run besides me, chasing you as our sole goal in life.

Now, years later, I can proudly say that the wait is worth it.  Having Noel walk besides me, supporting me, loving me in ways I never imagined possible... I can state that the husband I am blessed with, together, we walk towards Jesus Christ.  Eyes both fixed on God.  Supporting each other when we stumble.  Celebrating together in the joys of this life.  At peace in seeing God's blessings and provisions... I have a partner, who is fully my equal, who shores up my weaknesses and I his, one who allows me to grow my strengths, one who I can lean on to let God lead in our marriage.  I am blessed with Noel, who is beyond any dream a high school or college girl could have... a husband who's goal is to live as Christ calls.  The wait is worth it.  Every year, every day, I fall more and more in love with this man God placed in my life: walking the same path, pulling at each other when one strays... always, the same goal under the leadership of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father God, you do know my heart.  You know what I can handle and provide accordingly.  Lord, as I struggle to choose you first in all aspects of my life, I get to experience your blessings in ways I've never imagined possible.  By giving up my first romance for you, Lord, I gained Noel.  For giving up racing cars, I gained the honor of becoming a youth counselor and the ability to impact young lives.  By giving my health and my future into your care, I am blessed with peace of heart and a purpose in my daily life.

Lord Jesus, in giving up my own definition of my hopes, dreams and their acquisition by my hands... In you, I have gained more joy, more love, more hope, more peace, and more fulfillment.  In breaking me of my youthful desires for my future, you in turn continue to grow my dreams even larger by changing their definitions, expanding potentials, and opening new doors.

Lord, you love me enough that you don't want me to remain as a caterpillar but to evolve into a butterfly.  The growth process is painful, sometimes disheartening... But the end result is that by your power, I can fly into a realm a caterpillar can never reach.  

Thank you, Lord, for caring about me enough to release me from the chains of this earth, for giving me new hope and bigger dreams.  Thank you for giving me a purpose to live; one bigger than myself.  Lord, as I start another year of my life, help hone my dreams.  Shape me into a person who shines so brightly with your spirit that people see you instead.  Thank you for gifting me with wings growing ever bigger, ever brighter.  Thank you for helping me fly ever higher.

Lord, following you is my dream.  Responding to and sharing your love is my purpose in this life.  You, O Lord, are my greatest treasure.  Thank you for allowing me to aim so high.  Thank you for guiding me when I stubbornly stray.  Thank you for your infinite patience and this astounding peace.

In Jesus' name, amen.

What are your dreams?  

Where does your heart lay?  

What do you treasure most?

May you be blessed to stay true to your real path, to grow ever greater your dreams and to know where your real treasures lay.

My family celebrating my birthday with dinner:

Black and White

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today, I actually had the most energy in a long time!  Such a huge blessing.  Unfortunately, I overdid my list of activities, got super tired and snapped at Noel.  Poor Noel... I'm fine one minute then grouchy the next with no warning at all.  *sheepish grin*  My attitude when I'm tired or not feeling well is not something I'm proud of.  I'm blessed that God gave me Noel who more than puts up with my wild mood swings.

On a totally different tangent, I'm really dreading Monday.  Bright and early, I'll start my chemotherapy.  My doctor assures me I for sure won't be able to work. *cringe*  Really?  I was told that attempting to work through my first rounds of chemo with Taxotere and Gemzar was going to be tough... but with God's help, I still worked through that period of my life.  Why not this time as well?

My sarcoma doctor looks me straight in the eyes.  Gently and firmly, she states: "This time will be different." 

"Different?  Is it really going to be that bad?"

Nodding her head, my doctor's quiet affirmation sends a wave so cold that time stops.  Wide eyed, I ask... "for how long?'

"You will spend 5 days in the hospital, rest 2 weeks at home.  There will be 5 rounds.  Your hair will start falling out in about 10 days.  You will be nauseous, fatigued, in pain.  We will give you meds.  If you ever have a fever of 100.3 or higher, go to the emergency room.  An infection can kill you."

So yeah... I'm worried.  I'm dreading these next 4 months... but what can I do? Nothing really.  I told God that I will trust him to lead my doctors.  It doesn't matter even if the chemotherapy is unsuccessful.  I believe the most important choice I make is to follow through with the journey God wants me to go through... for his glory and his purpose.  Not mine.

How much more will my body get messed up?  This recent surgery already drew me further into an emotional pit of despair than anything ever before.  I know my future will hold a deeper level of difficulty, harder challenges, more pain. *shudder*

May God be glorified through my life because I will have nothing left of "myself."  My identity as a physical therapist, female paintball player, leader serving at church... everything and anything I ever could label as "this who and what Kristy is" becomes obsolete.  These are things Kristy may never be able to do again.

To believe that I cannot contribute, help, work, or even function properly... I feel useless.  I feel as if I won't have a life if I can't do anything.  So what's left?  My past glories?  Bleh, living in the past has no hope, no future, no life.  My attitude?  Ummm... my attitude's really poor when I don't feel well.  Careful, I bite.  Only thing left is my identity in Jesus Christ.  I will have nothing left of myself.  Stripped bare and back to basics... I'm scared beyond words. 

Talk about diving in head-first huh?  Barely getting my footing from my surgery in August, now this new scary chemo. But ya know what?  I'll get to see God so clearly again and again and again.  My life will suck so bad that I will have little to no control and power of my own.  But, I will be blessed by being able to clearly experience the reality of having God in my life.  Money, will-power, independence, brains, strength... none of these things gain me access to God.  In fact, because all these things will be lost, taken away from me, I will need God as I never have before. 

Everytime I tell myself "this is as bad as it gets.  This is as much as I can possibly take."  I'm proved wrong.  By the power of God the Father, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... one God... I am blessed to see how I am so loved, so cared for... a blessing no money, no time, no amount of hard work can ever buy.  By the strength and provision of my Lord, I am where I am today.  Alive.  Hopeful.  Continually challenging the chains and restrictions of this body. 

Only in the deepest blackness of my heart and mind can I appreciate the purest white of God's presence.

May the full peace and love of Christ light your path and bring you joy as he has mine.

October 14: North Shore (Oahu) eating shaved ice with natural fruit topping.  So ono (yummy).

October 18:  Just enough energy to enjoy an archery lesson gifted by my brother.  So fun!

New Day, New Life, New Hope

Monday, August 19, 2013

Dang... 19 days have passed since surgery!  There's gotta be hope even when I feel hopeless right?  God gave me this path to live... right now, things really suck... but this can't be everything right?  This life... stuck at home... it's not a life I'd wish on anyone!  But I've gotta be grateful... this lifestyle is me, Kristy, on nothing but Advil and Tylenol.  Not too shabby huh?  There's still more options... just... until today, the doctors didn't want me to take any kind of medication to slow down my digestive system because they wanted my baseline using dietary management.

Didn't work.  Coulda told you that from the start.  That last round of chemotherapy using Temodar already messed up my digestive system... cutting my intestines some more isn't going to improve anything.  *deep sigh*  So now what?

Part of me understands the reason for getting a baseline of my body's functional capabilities... but another part of me feels very discouraged being stuck at home.  No one's trapping me inside but me and my personal sense of discomfort and constant fatigue.  Flip side... remember... there's hope, I haven't even tried medications yet!

Hope... where do I really get my hope from?  Is it from the fact that I still have options?  Well... partially yes.  Knowing that my life won't be at this level forever does give me hope.  But that's not all... life can really suck, be super painful, a horrible struggle... in the end, believing that God still has a use for my life and a purpose and a story to write through me... this is what keeps me going beyond the dark day to day struggles and even embarrassments.

Father God, thank you.  Sometimes, I don't know what else to say except that in you, there is still light and purpose... that my identity isn't in my own capabilities, my own knowledge, my own strength.  In fact... I'd be totally depressed if I based myself on me because at this point in time... none of those usual "Kristy" things exist.  I can't play paintball.  I can't work as a physical therapist.  I can't run around playing with the neighborhood kids.  I can't serve at church.  I can't go rockclimbing, camping or fishing.  I can't do so many things... so then.... what can I do?  Lord God, only thing I have left to offer is my heart.  To you, Lord, I continue to give my life.  However little this life is and however little I can actually do... Lord, in you is my identity.  In you, Father God, is my life.  So whatever happens, I just have to keep walking right?

God, you point, I go.  Nothing more, nothing less.  If you want me to run, I'll be able to run.  If you want me to walk, then I'll be able to walk.  If, Lord, you want me to crawl... then at least I know you'll give me the ability to crawl.  So Father, whatever it is you want of me, I know that you'll give me the capability to match.  So for now... this life stuck at home, it's okay because when it's time, I know you'll set me free... just help me keep my eyes fixed on you, Father, and not myself.  As long as my eyes are fixed on you, God, everything will be okay.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Finally, I get the go ahead to take oral medicines to slow down my digestive system.  Wow... instant miracle!  I'm not tied to the bathroom, I feel instantly stronger and my frame of mind is a LOT more positive!  Yikes... I'll take anything I can get!

Thank you, God, that modern medicine is so effective... that you've enabled my body to respond so quickly and easily!  Hurray!!!

Father, give me wisdom to appropriately manage my medicines, to take the bare minimum... to care for this one body that I'm gifted with as your present to me.  Lord, help me treasure the blessings of having this body, this life, these struggles.  I'm happy to know that with each passing day, I don't just physically grow stronger, but that mentally/emotionally/

spiritually, I'm growing stronger and stronger too!

Lord, thank you for a future.  I don't know what will happen... in fact, the doctors want me to start a new regime of chemotherapy... that scares me, but I said whatever you want right?  Lord, I asked you to guide the doctors... so whatever they request of me, unless you tell me otherwise, I'll take their recommendations as the path you want me to walk.  Just... please Lord, give me strength... strength in everything!

After I come back from my vacation with my family, I'll immediately start on this new chemotherapy regime.  No complaints from me... at least not yet.  *wide grin* Lord, I know this is going to be hard.  As is, even when the doctors are impressed by the strength you've given me to work during the first two chemotherapy treatments, I am told that I for sure won't be able to work once I start this new treatment.  In fact, the treatment sounds super scary!  I'll be stuck in the hospital for 5 days every 3 weeks for 5 rounds, I'll get a port placed in my chest for the IV, and I won't be able to work!  =O  Guess there goes my dreams of playing paintball anytime soon huh?

Father, even though I fear the difficulties that lay in my future... even though I fear being physically broken and incapable... you gave me this life, this path to walk... so with you by my side... I gotta be able to take it right?

Thank you, Lord God, that I'm not alone... that I will never truly ever be alone. Thank you, Father, that you've placed me in this world, but not to be of this world.  Lord, may the light of your Spirit continue to shine so brightly that all the hopelessness, all the pain, all the danger, all the despair is burnt away.

In you, Father God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... I have my hope, my purpose, my identity, my peace.  Amen.

For those who like to research what chemotherapy medicines I'm taking.... it's gonna be these two: adriamycin and ifosfamide (I think... haven't done my research yet!)

Me, Kristy, in my messy room!  =D
 

My Choice

Originally, I wanted to write about my time hanging out with my neighborhood kids...the fun stuff I am blessed to experience as I hang out with them... still working on what I want to write.  So, instead of a light-hearted blog entry, I'm posting this entry up in its place.  =D  Very different.

As I write this entry, memories upon memories invade my thoughts.  The bad times and how they've grown me. The good times with its crazy fun and laughter.  *wide grin*  All different parts of what I call "Kristy!"

This is how I feel and the choice I make every time I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

When things so wrong, so very wrong

What do I do?

What do I say?

Where do I go?

I cry for help

Arms outstretched

Seeking comfort

But none can be found

Incoherent words

Wildly lashing thoughts

Flashes of memories

Time streams by or did it stop?

Desperately reaching

Blindly groping

Emptiness and confusion

How much longer will this last?

Fear

                           Anger

        Frustration

                                        Hopelessness

Pointless thoughts fill my mind

So confused

So lost

So drained

Nowhere do I go

Nowhere by my power

Nowhere by my strength

Running in circles

I fight until I’m worn out

I scream until no voice is left

I struggle until no strength is left

So empty I feel

Panting

                             Sweating

          Weak

                                            Tired

In the quiet

In the stillness

In my hopelessness

In my total weakness

I feel a soft touch

Comfort

I hear a gentle whisper

Calm

Who reaches past my self-built walls?

Who is strong enough to save me?

Where are you?

Who are you?

"Here I am" says God the Father

"I’ll save you" says Jesus the Savior

"I’ll stay with you" says the Holy Spirit

"Will you let me?"

"I am strong" says the Lord God

"I have plans for you, not to harm you but to grow you

I want to give you the best of the best

Will you let go and trust me?"

"Come, lean on me and I will be your strength

Come, listen to me and I will give you peace

Come, follow me and I will give you hope"

The choice is mine… what will I choose?

Every time I fall, God is there

Every time I hurt, God is there

Every time I cry, God is there

Every single time... God is always there

By my choice and mine alone

I choose peace

I choose hope

I choose to follow God



Take care everyone!!!  Hope not to take so long to write the next post... life is busy!  =D

When I'm not capable...

Wednesday, Feb 13, 2013

Lord, I'm so confused!  I know you've given me gifts... things I'm naturally good at.  There are also things I'm very much NOT good at.  Why, God, did you place me in a position as an adviser to other leaders?  They're way more talented than me, have much better ideas, are able to articulate their thoughts clearly in a precise manner... everything I'm not.  I feel like I'm getting a close-up view of what I cannot do, cannot say...  I can clearly see what I lack.  I don't have the natural "follow me" charisma.  I don't have super wildly creative ideas... I'm not even good at pin-pointing key issues to address and how to address them!  *sad face*

I feel as if I'm placed in the wrong position.  God, you can't really want me here right?  I bumble around, make unclear suggestions, don't have a clear vision of where to lead the group nor how to "advise."  Instead, I struggle to participate, feeling as if I'm grasping at straws in a whirlwind.  I feel unbalanced.  So what am I good at?  What can I do?

Father God, you've given me the heart to love people for who and where they each are at.  You've blessed me with the knowledge that I need to clear away the smoke and find the source of an issue and directly address that.  Lord, you've given me the gift to talk directly with you and know that I'm heard... that you will answer.  Father, I'm blessed to know that when I am weak and need to lean on you... that's when I see you the most clearly at work.

In my despair, in my hopelessness, in my uncertainty and fear... the rest is all you, Lord God.  I can honestly say that my role as an adviser... I can't do it.  I need you, Father, by my side.  My gifts and strengths are to follow and work with others, to polish the ideas of others... as a follower, how do I advise?  As I struggle with my new role, I start to realize that you've never asked me to lead.  God, you only require that I focus myself to intentionally be led by you... and through you, Lord, you will handle any issues that arise.

Father, thank you for showing me so clearly tonight that I am exactly what and where you want me to be within this group of gifted leaders.  My "job" isn't to lead, but to follow with my eyes desperately fixed on you.  My strength lies in my weaknesses: my confusion, my inadequate use of language, my feelings of frustration and fear, my inability to properly express my passions and my goals.  Because of my many weaknesses, Lord, I lean on your strength and your wisdom.  What better leader is there than you?  I will use my weaknesses to support and encourage others... to be a stepping stone so that others may reach ever higher.

So Lord God in heaven, I lift your name in praise... for my strengths and for my weaknesses.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Called to Serve?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I get an email asking if I want to help serve in our young adult fellowship, Transparent, as a small group leader.  My immediate internal response is "NO!"  I don't want more stuff on my plate... I'm having fun rockclimbing and socializing with friends from church, work and my neighborhood.  Really... I don't want any more responsibilities.  *tsk tsk*

As my finger twitches over the reply button, I freeze.  What's making me hesitate?  *deep sigh*  Well, I know that I want to serve God with my whole life... but I also know that I want time to myself.  I want my personal space.  I don't want to add on more responsibilities, time drains, mandatory meetings, long drives, crazy events and even more people time (I'm a total introvert, people time drains me!).  Why in the world would I ever want to step into Transparent leadership that honestly doesn't spark my interest?  But since I've been asked... I need to properly pray and ask God what he wants me to do.... where he wants me to serve.

Lord, if you want me to be small group leader in Transparent, please give me the heart for it.  I have the heart to serve you, God, but right now I don't really want to give up my time to serve in an area that will definitely wear on me.  Lord, but I know that when I follow you, impossibly great things happen. So before I go ahead and answer on my own, I want to ask you what you want for me to do.  Lord, if you want me to be a small group leader in Transparent, give me excitement for the task.  Give me a joy and a purpose in serving.  Give me direction, ideas, a goal to work towards.  Father, I've got until the end of this year to decide.  So please, before then, can you give me an answer?  I know that if you change my heart from where it is now, then you've clearly called me.  On the other hand, Lord, if I cannot find excitement and passion to become a small group leader, I will decline the honor of the position.

Thank you Lord, knowing that whatever comes in the future, it will be more than just good!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Running towards me, an excited youth cries out "Kristy, Kristy!  I hear that Noel's going to become a youth counselor again!  Does that mean you're coming back too?"

"Sorry," I reply, "God hasn't called me to rejoin Footprints as a youth counselor."  *sad face*

I love working alongside the kids and love working besides Noel... but every time I pray about if I should rejoin the youth team, I don't hear a positive answer from God, I don't feel anything extra besides my own wants.  I can't feel a specific goal or purpose to be in Footprints with the youth.  *sad sigh* I would love to work with the youth again... every Sunday, a spark lights up when I talk, laugh and play with them... I really miss it.  But where does God want me?  Serving and creating community at work, hanging out with girls at church, mentoring young adults... these are what I'm spending most of my time on.  I'm super busy, but something's still missing.  What is it?  *puzzled look*

I know that I want to serve in the church again... but where?  How?  In what way?  My vacation time is almost over.  *wry grin*

My heart is for the youth I've grown up alongside these past 5-6 years.  I'm sad that when so many youth go off to college, they come back feeling lost, the environment changes... new people are present and others are gone.  Upon coming back to church, the new young adults are encouraged to participate in the young adult group, Transparent.  However, many never make the transition from Footprints to Transparent.  Why?  The two groups are very different in culture, attitude, people.  It's scary and uninviting to step into a new world when feeling like this should be "home."  I want to bridge that gap!

Towards the goal of bridging the youth to young adult gap, Noel and I host monthly dinner parties with games at our home to help keep the local college students plugged-in with each other.  Recently, we've also started hosting random dinner and game parties at our home when the non-local college students return home.  To spice things up, Noel and I are planning a Nerf War & Dinner Party at church on December 29th with the purpose of melding youth and returning college students and young adults into an event hosted by multiple age groups.  *excited*

For the Nerf War & Dinner Party, I want to specifically create a place where talking isn't the primary event; instead, the primary focus of the night is teamwork, community, respect and physical interaction.  I crave for this upcoming large event to break down barriers of discomfort between people of different ages who may not know each other well.  I want to provide a common topic of conversation, a place of challenge and multiply opportunities for encouragement.  Then too, there's dinner.  Dinner's purpose is teamwork.  Everyone needs to help clean-up the Nerf equipment, organize tables and chairs and then make won tons and spring rolls.  The primary reason for these specific dinner foods is so that the people present can learn and teach each other how to cook (life-skill) while allowing for laughter and flexibility in the the end product.  Furthermore, everyone needs to work together in order to have a meal to eat... the other option is to go hungry.  Am I cruel or what?  *smirk*

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Last night: successful completion of the Nerf War & Dinner Party!

I "encouraged" everyone to help clean-up, even those who don't regularly come to our church and are invited as friends.  *wide grin*  I called people by name and pulled on sleeve after sleeve issuing specific tasks:  return all the tables and chairs to their original location, hunt down every Nerf ammo including checking closets and underneath furniture in a specific area, wiping dirty tables, washing dishes and wiping floors.  *evil grin*  After a very major and thorough clean-up, I hope everyone who participated in last night's activities will leave with a sense of accomplishment, fulfilled purpose, teamwork, laughter and new memories to share.  Hopefully in church today, people who just returned from distant colleges and participated in last night's event will have Nerf war stories to tell, excitement in meeting teammates and opponents, and most of all... everyone who took part in last night's activities will feel a diminished sense of discomfort in coming back to a place that is "supposed to be home" and yet...  has changed.

Ummmmm... the youth who graduate from high school also graduate from Footprints.  These future new young adults are offered the chance to join with the young adult group in Transparent; however, the gap in culture is too wide from one group to the next... very few make the transition and may eventually feel unwanted or lost.  I don't want that to happen!  This gap is where I am most passionate about bridging. 

So where can I go and what can I do? 

With Noel going to Footprints as a youth counselor, he will be the link into Footprints.  Where is the link into Transparent?  The only person I can think of to fill that roll is... maybe me?  If I participate in Transparent... I can change and prep the culture of the young adults in Transparent and the youth I currently interact with to meld the two groups together.  I want to make the transition from Footprints to Transparent more welcoming, less shocking... to create events with the intention of bridging two very different groups in a safe-feeling, natural format.  Will just being a small group leader do?  Will I eventually need to step into an even higher level of leadership?  *deep sigh* What am I getting myself into?  Where is God leading me this time?

Father God, I want to serve you... I want to grow the youth you've placed into my life (even ones who are now adults).  I want to create a place of belonging... a place of safety each one can return to to find peace, community, friendship, advice, laughter, support and hope.  Lord, wherever you call, I will follow.  Whatever it takes... my time, my life... I will go.  Lord, as you call... give me the wisdom, courage, energy, passion... everything I need and more... to follow you.  I will not do this on my own... may my choices and my passion follow your lead.  When the time and place is right, may you open doors, prepare the path and open my heart to accept it.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

New Challenge, Old Struggle

 What is an addiction?  Dependency?  Craving?  Need?  Obsession?  Habit?
 What do I have when it comes to reading?


Thursday, November, 29, 2012

Location: Transparent (young adult) girls' group

Around and around the spindle goes... Where will it land?  Slowing to a stop, everyone leans in to read this week's challenge: "fasting and prayer."

*grimace*  Prayer's okay... That's talking to God and I tend to do that a lot anyways.  So what's the problem?  Well, I _hate_ fasting!  I'm no good at it!  This week's challenge is totally my weak point!  *deep sigh*

The purpose of fasting is to set aside something (usually not something easy to do) and use that time, or craving, as a cue to pray.  So what can I give up for this week?  Not eating... Well, I _love_ eating, but that's not my most difficult thing to give up.  So what do I do most during my free time?  I read manga or books.  Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  I don't wanna give up reading!  However, to honor God, I feel that I need to forgo something I truly treasure.  The time that I gain, the cravings that I will confront, this time of internal strife will be my cue to pray, my time to refocus on spending time with God.

Inside, I feel that if I really REALLY want to honor God with a truly appropriate fast, I need to give my treasure... my best.

Lord, I've tried to think what else I can fast with... Food, how I do my work, time I spend on various things... But no matter what options I come up with, I keep feeling that to give up reading manga AND reading novels is what I cling most to, the thing I'm most unwilling to let go; and therefore, the most important option to choose for my week-long fast.

Help me!  Lord God, you know how deep-rooted my fixation to reading is... This crazy driving obsession to read every spare moment I have.  Lord, you've helped me manage most of my cravings in regards to reading.  I notice my struggle most when I'm at home, in the quiet, during my free time.  Do I do chores or read?  Do I spend time with Noel or read?  Do I take care of the cats or read?  Do I sleep or read?  In all of my daily choices, the chance to read even a page or two, takes on a very high priority.

Father, every spare moment of my time and my thoughts falls into a fantasy land of another person's creative imagination.  So often, I feel that I'm fighting an uphill battle and loosing every single step of the way.  I don't find fulfillment nor peace in reading... It doesn't fill this black hole inside of me, a raving pit of insanity, uncontrollable frustration... But Lord, I've experienced peace, joy, fulfillment, calm and freedom when I sink deeply into your presence... So knowing all this, help me, Lord God, Father of Jesus, to seek you first over my twisted dependency on living in a dream world of another's creation.  I'm stuck... incapable of freeing myself.  Lord, I need you here with me!  Be my strength.  Be my reasoning as I swim through periods of insanity, clawing cravings, and treacherous attempts at self-justification!  Father, I call you "Lord," may you be the true living Lord of my life.

God, I know that any sacrifice you call for me to take up... that it isn't for my loss, but instead to gain more of you, to be set apart so I can know you more, to attain your best for me when I can't even grasp and control my own life.  I don't know why something so innocuous as reading is my addiction, my bondage, my chain... But it is.  Lord, you've freed me before, please free me once again!

In the name of Jesus, as both God and Son, I pray, amen.


Friday, November 30, 2012

Failure.

I keep myself occupied by rockclimbing after work, getting home after Noel is home, watching anime with my husband, but there's always spare time.  A little unoccupied free time before going to bed. Read manga?  I can't!  My fingers are itching to read manga on my iPad!  Telling myself I won't read, I open my iPad... Then somehow, I'm in iBooks checking out a newly downloaded novel.  One justification after another... In the blink of an eye, I realize I read 8 chapters!

Guilt.  Anger.  Frustration.  Disappointment.  Shame.

Shouldn't it be easy not to read?  What happened to keeping my word or even wanting to honor God? I feel pitiful.  The craving, the pull is so strong... Funny right?  Addiction to reading.  *sarcasm*  I feel stupid.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The iPad lays quietly by my bedside.  Without a second thought, I flip open my iPad's protective cover.  So easy!  Oh hey... There's a new manga!  The update symbol is present.  I wonder what manga is new?  How about I check which manga it is?  Noooooo!  I CANNOT keep slipping!  I feel miserable enough in my struggles and in my failures.  Each time I turn away from reading is a victory... Each failure feels like a landslide.  Pain.  Anger.  Frustration.  Self-hatred.  Guilt.

Even as I type this blog, part of me is itching to slide my fingers or push a button to check the novels I have stored in iBooks or peek at the newly updated manga... Just a peek!  No!  Keep typing, keep struggling, keep fighting!

Lord God, you are the only one worth this fight, this internal struggle... Lord, only for you and through you do I even have this strength, this purpose, this determination to be more than I am.  Only for you, Jesus, for the ability to walk besides you, for the chance to know more of you do I even bother to confront this super-difficult personal challenge for the freedom you so freely offer.  Only for my Lord who is worthy, the creator of all.  Only for you, God, will I let go of my treasures... knowing that to die to myself, my wants, my cravings, my obsessions is to gain more, not just in heaven, but that with this fast, I am being blessed here and now.  So Lord, I praise your name and ask that in this battle of my heart, my time, my mind... that you open my eyes to see your blessings and that those blessings will enable me to face myself with peace.  To once again gain freedom from the chains of my obsession with reading.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Bigfoot 2012 - (Re)Discover

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Heeheheheehe... Sorry everyone!  I've been lazy resting after Bigfoot ended last Monday... got too lazy to update my facebook pictures and write this blog.  I'm back!  =D  Well... too lazy and also not feeling well, but that's besides the point!  *wink*  I'll tell you about it later... maybe.  *smirk*

This year's Bigfoot (our annual youth retreat)... so awesome!  Each year is great... but I feel that this year, God particularly made his presence known.  Going into this retreat, we have 20 adult counselors and 40 kids... wow, a ratio of 1:2 is great... potential for lots more personal attention and time to each individual.  =D

Our theme for Bigfoot is Mark 8:27-29... all about (re)discovering who Christ is. 

Main points I got from this weekend:
  -God doesn't want me to be religious (doing "works" to gain his approval to get what I personally want), but he wants me to have a personal relationship with him.
  -Identity in Christ Jesus means that my self-worth comes not from what I do, what I have, nor does it come from my own achievements... but that my freedom and identity is based on Christ's death and resurrection in payment for my faults (sins) because God loves me so much beyond anything I can imagine.
  -Faith becomes real when tested in action (example of knowing a chair can hold my weight, not sitting in it, then how can I be sure the chair will not collapse?  I don't have faith in the chair's capability to uphold my weight unless I test it... to sit in the chair with my whole weight, if it breaks, then I'll fall.  Same with God... faith grows when I can't depend on my own strength, but depend solely on God to come through.)
  -With Jesus' death, payment for my sins/faults is COMPLETE... there's nothing I can do to pay it back or earn favor... instead, God delights in me and the best I can do is get to know my God more by spending time with him... and out of God's over-whelming gift of unearned love and salvation towards me, I share the knowledge of his gift with others.
  -Following Christ Jesus requires that I die to my personal earthly wants... I can't completely serve God if I want to serve myself... this is an expected daily struggle, not meant to be painless or easy... slowly learning to let go in order to fully obey God.
  -Jesus washed his disciples feet, not so that they would wash his feet in return, but as an example so that they may follow to serve others.

This weekend, I relearned a little about God's unconditional love through Christ Jesus.  That God cares more for my personal relationship with him than any task or chore I can do.  Like a child who loves his parents so much that he cleans his room because he knows that will please his parents... I love God because he first loved me... and I want to show my love to my Lord God by obeying his commands. 

Lord God, you have shown me your love first before I ever loved you back.  Like a parent, you want to provide what's best for me, to give me great gifts, but at the same time, you will not spare me heartache nor discipline as I learn to grow up strong.  I often have a hard time seeing you, Lord, but when my own strength fails me... that's when I can see you most clearly.  So, thank you that my life isn't easy.  Thank you that I don't have to depend on my own strength to survive.  Thank you that my purpose is to follow you and my hope is found in your promises.  Thank you, Lord, that wherever this life leads, I'm never alone.  Thank you, God, that even as my body doesn't feel well this past week, I've been blessed to see and appreciate the times when i feel great... that the health I have now... Thank you, God, that my body still works... Thank you, Father, that even after 2 surgeries and chemo... my body responds well enough that I can still work full-time, participate fully in my church's youth program, continue to do crazy back-yard projects, and just enough to strength to sometimes play paintball.  =D

Thank you, Lord Father, for my life, for hope, and for the strength you've given me to keep going... one foot in front of the other... facing new challenges as they come, but never alone.

In Jesus' name I thank you, amen.

Identity

Who is Kristy?

How do I define myself?

Part of my identity lays in what I do... Physical therapy, paintball, rockclimbing, youth counselor. What happens to me if I can no longer participate in these activities? Does my identity really depend on the things I do?

Thinking about my future participation in a 6-month chemotherapy regime... What happens if the side effects are bad enough that I can't play paintball or feel too tired to go rockclimbing? How then will I define myself? Will I still be the same person?

About five-and-a-half years ago, Noel and I stopped participating in racing our car in legal time trials called autocross. I love the adrenaline, the speed, learning and applying new techniques on courses that changed every event. Back then, autocross was a huge part of my life... something I defined myself by. However, stopping autocross in order to become a youth counselor at my (back then new) church has been far more rewarding than I ever imagined! Working with, loving, and being loved by the crazy youth at church has grown and shaped me in many ways. I am now more outspoken and more confident. Each year, I learn new lessons about leading and managing large events, have opportunities to share my life stories to eager ears, teach life-skills, and learn more about myself... my strengths, my weaknesses, my need for time alone, and my ability to be more than I think I can be when God calls me.

Considering how important autocross was... I realize that I haven't played paintball or gone rockclimbing for 3 months now! However, my description of myself, my identity, hasn't changed... my identity won't change just because my activities do. That's already been proven to me when I stopped autocrossing.

What happens if I loose all my hair? I may not like my looks, but does my hair define me? No! My confidence and my strength do not originate from my actions or outter appearance, but from deep inside. I believe that my identity is a complex combination of my beliefs as a Child of God, choices made, and adventures lived. I believe that as each day passes, I find out more and more about who I really am. Hardships and challenges just polish and clarify what my personality is really like... who I really am inside.

Father in Heaven, I'll be sad if I can't play paintball or go rockclimbing... But in the long-run, I won't stop being Kristy just because I don't participate in the same activities. I will still be Kristy curled up with a book, sleeping, or staring off into space. I will be the same me regardless of long hair, short hair, or no hair.

Thank you, Lord, for the peace and confidence and hope that I have in you. Father, thank you for growing me and strengthening me so that I can progressively take on bigger and bigger challenges. I hate being uncomfortable and I hate walking blindly into an unknown future... but at the same time, I crave the adventure of facing new challenges in my life just so I can say "I made it!"

Thank you Lord for this crazy confidence and strength to live this life not dependent on myself, but living by your never-ending strength, power, and love for me. Thank you, Father, for always being there so I can peacefully step forward knowing you'll catch me and guide me. Thank you Father, for proving to me that when I honor you first in my life, you provide for me better than I can ever dream of. Thank you, Lord, that because of your presence in my life, I have the courage to test my limits, to challenge my capabilities, to uncover more of this person called Kristy.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.