Dang... 19 days have passed since surgery! There's gotta be hope even when I feel hopeless right? God gave me this path to live... right now, things really suck... but this can't be everything right? This life... stuck at home... it's not a life I'd wish on anyone! But I've gotta be grateful... this lifestyle is me, Kristy, on nothing but Advil and Tylenol. Not too shabby huh? There's still more options... just... until today, the doctors didn't want me to take any kind of medication to slow down my digestive system because they wanted my baseline using dietary management.
Didn't work. Coulda told you that from the start. That last round of chemotherapy using Temodar already messed up my digestive system... cutting my intestines some more isn't going to improve anything. *deep sigh* So now what?
Part of me understands the reason for getting a baseline of my body's functional capabilities... but another part of me feels very discouraged being stuck at home. No one's trapping me inside but me and my personal sense of discomfort and constant fatigue. Flip side... remember... there's hope, I haven't even tried medications yet!
Hope... where do I really get my hope from? Is it from the fact that I still have options? Well... partially yes. Knowing that my life won't be at this level forever does give me hope. But that's not all... life can really suck, be super painful, a horrible struggle... in the end, believing that God still has a use for my life and a purpose and a story to write through me... this is what keeps me going beyond the dark day to day struggles and even embarrassments.
Father God, thank you. Sometimes, I don't know what else to say except that in you, there is still light and purpose... that my identity isn't in my own capabilities, my own knowledge, my own strength. In fact... I'd be totally depressed if I based myself on me because at this point in time... none of those usual "Kristy" things exist. I can't play paintball. I can't work as a physical therapist. I can't run around playing with the neighborhood kids. I can't serve at church. I can't go rockclimbing, camping or fishing. I can't do so many things... so then.... what can I do? Lord God, only thing I have left to offer is my heart. To you, Lord, I continue to give my life. However little this life is and however little I can actually do... Lord, in you is my identity. In you, Father God, is my life. So whatever happens, I just have to keep walking right?
God, you point, I go. Nothing more, nothing less. If you want me to run, I'll be able to run. If you want me to walk, then I'll be able to walk. If, Lord, you want me to crawl... then at least I know you'll give me the ability to crawl. So Father, whatever it is you want of me, I know that you'll give me the capability to match. So for now... this life stuck at home, it's okay because when it's time, I know you'll set me free... just help me keep my eyes fixed on you, Father, and not myself. As long as my eyes are fixed on you, God, everything will be okay.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Finally, I get the go ahead to take oral medicines to slow down my digestive system. Wow... instant miracle! I'm not tied to the bathroom, I feel instantly stronger and my frame of mind is a LOT more positive! Yikes... I'll take anything I can get!
Thank you, God, that modern medicine is so effective... that you've enabled my body to respond so quickly and easily! Hurray!!!
Father, give me wisdom to appropriately manage my medicines, to take the bare minimum... to care for this one body that I'm gifted with as your present to me. Lord, help me treasure the blessings of having this body, this life, these struggles. I'm happy to know that with each passing day, I don't just physically grow stronger, but that mentally/emotionally/
Lord, thank you for a future. I don't know what will happen... in fact, the doctors want me to start a new regime of chemotherapy... that scares me, but I said whatever you want right? Lord, I asked you to guide the doctors... so whatever they request of me, unless you tell me otherwise, I'll take their recommendations as the path you want me to walk. Just... please Lord, give me strength... strength in everything!
After I come back from my vacation with my family, I'll immediately start on this new chemotherapy regime. No complaints from me... at least not yet. *wide grin* Lord, I know this is going to be hard. As is, even when the doctors are impressed by the strength you've given me to work during the first two chemotherapy treatments, I am told that I for sure won't be able to work once I start this new treatment. In fact, the treatment sounds super scary! I'll be stuck in the hospital for 5 days every 3 weeks for 5 rounds, I'll get a port placed in my chest for the IV, and I won't be able to work! =O Guess there goes my dreams of playing paintball anytime soon huh?
Father, even though I fear the difficulties that lay in my future... even though I fear being physically broken and incapable... you gave me this life, this path to walk... so with you by my side... I gotta be able to take it right?
Thank you, Lord God, that I'm not alone... that I will never truly ever be alone. Thank you, Father, that you've placed me in this world, but not to be of this world. Lord, may the light of your Spirit continue to shine so brightly that all the hopelessness, all the pain, all the danger, all the despair is burnt away.
In you, Father God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... I have my hope, my purpose, my identity, my peace. Amen.
For those who like to research what chemotherapy medicines I'm taking.... it's gonna be these two: adriamycin and ifosfamide (I think... haven't done my research yet!)
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| Me, Kristy, in my messy room! =D |
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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment! *big hugs* --Kristy