Surrgery Update

Surgery date:  Thursday, August 1, 2013 at approximately 11am?

Surgery Update:  5-6 hour surgery.  Midway through, colorectal specialists called in to assist.  Single large tumor on my small/large intestine junction (removed along with appendix and then reconnected), many many tumors on my sigmoid portion of my large intestines so about 7 inches removed from there.  Other little tumors imbedded in the fascia (soft tissue) of my abdomen... those found, all removed.

Current State

Overwhelming pain. Tenderness at the incision  site.  A doctor attempts to palpate my abdomen... Surprising both her and myself, I grab her hand... hard.  I don't think I've ever grabbed someone so fast and so firmly before.  Lady, that hurt!  In return, I was told that that's why I got the PCA pump for self-administering morphine.  Grrrrrrrrrrr...  If the morphine alone worked, you think I'd be jumping so much?  Unable to speak or think clearly, I'm very happy the doctors decide to add Toradol and IV Tylenol to my pain regiment. *foggy relief*  (That took over a day to work out!)

Half the pain is gone... Now I'm stuck with a head filled with cotton.  The meds take the edge off my pain... On the other hand, I'm left in a drowsy, happy happy, agreeable and barely functioning state!  Over and over again, my eyes drift shut.  I dose, but don't sleep.  Eyes popping wide open... what time is it?  Oh, only 3 minutes have past.  Eyes droop shut... Darting open, what time is it?  Did an hour pass... an hour and a half?  Hopeful, I stare at the clock.  That can't be right... only 8 minutes have passed?  *deep sigh*  How much longer will this torture go?  I'm tired... so very tired of this endless cycle of pain.

Restless legs.  Head filled with fog.  Swirling vision.  Discomfort.  Frustration bound in a tight ball.  Irritation held under wraps.  Spinning energy with no outlet... just give me something to punch, a place to pedal... something, anything!   Arghhhhhhh!  Bruised hands, wrists, arms... needle sticks gone wrong, more needle sticks for testing blood, shots of heparin to prevent blood clots... oximeter tied to my finger, I slip off, they replace.  Blood pressure check every two hours.  My every movement is monitored and recorded like a bug under the microscope!  I really REALLY dislike not having control over my own decisions!

This endless monotonous life.  Seeing myself balanced on a thin line... one side is life and hope and being mentally being present.  There is pain and change and challenges to face.  The other side is nothing, emptiness... a place and time separate from this world where I have no history, no name, no struggle, no will... easy.  In fear, I calculate... if I fall into this secondary world, I can never get out.  Like my great aunt who stayed too long in a care home and gave up, she never quite got her mind back... that's what I'd be if I chose this step... I'd be in a deep, dark, comfortable pit where nothing could touch me, all the pain rolls off and I'm safe.  Dark and alluring... tempting... I tilt just a little to that side until WAIT... if I choose to fall into that route, I will never come back sane.  I can't do that!  I don't want to be comfortably trapped and safe.  Why am I even thinking this way?  This is so not like me!  *cold shiver*  

Shouting in my head:

God, where are you?!!?!?!!!  I'm so numb with drugs that I've lost all sense of myself, of time, of challenges, of hope, of life.  Help me gain a foothold, Lord God, give me firm ground to stand and a clear direction to strive for!  I can deal with pain.  I can deal with fatigue.  Haven't I done all that and more already?  What's so different this time?  What's this sensation of giving up I've so rarely faced... what's happening to me?

Lord Father, I'm scared.  I'm here and I'm not here.  My body is here but my mind is so clouded I have the hardest time even looking straight at someone as they speak to me.  Where are you God?  Where is my light given by your spirit?  I can handle the dark, but this distorted landscape is worse than anything I could ever imagine.  How can I stay sane and stay stuck to you?  Help me Father as only you can!  This is a struggle I don't know how to even voice... help me break through to who you created me to be.  I am not a puppet.  I am not a doll only going through motions to please others.  I hate this fog, my vacant smile, my barely returned replies.  What happened to my motivation?  What happened to my strength?  What  happened to my life?  Where are my goals and hope?  I want it back!

Being in a hospital can be so cold Lord.  Physically cold, yes.  But even more so, there are people so into protocol and numbers that my words don't make it through!  To these... I'm a statistic, a number, a job, money.  To others, they actually see me, hear me, take the time to listen to what I say and what I mean.

Thank you Lord that I get to go home Tuesday afternoon!  Thank you for softening the doctor's hearts to let me out of this soft prison.  The pain, the pooping and farting... the crap stuff I literally may have to deal with... Lord, I give into your hands and ask for mercy!  

In Jesus' name I plead for my Father God's mercy, grace, and provisions.  Amen.