A New Day

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day blurs into night... then it's day again.  I'm finally home!  Hurray!!!!  I'm ecstatic!

Sleeping a maximum of 2-3 hours, learning to juggle new aches with Advil and Tylenol.  No.... no Vicodin, Percocet or any of the more potent pain medications please... those make my head feel fuzzy!  A single day consists of eating, napping, and running to the bathroom.  Sounds like a baby right? That's how I feel... like I've regressed into a 6-month old:  I roll, I sit, I eat, I poop, I sleep.  Fun huh?

This new body of mine is very different.  I'm trying to incorporate my knowledge of medicine, physical therapy, nutrition, wound healing, research online...  option after option I consider, but is it enough?

I've lost over 10 pounds and my weight is still dropping.  My muscle mass is significantly less than pre-surgery!  *sniffle*  My arms are so scrawny... where are my biceps and triceps?  Okay, okay... it's not like I had that muscle to start with.  *sheepish grin*  Heheheeee... then let me try something else!  I step up the stairs two steps at a time... muscle cramping and breathing short, I pause at the top... slightly dizzy... very weak.  Drat!  This is NOTHING like after my first two abdominal surgeries.  Grrrrrrrr... the first two surgeries were a cake-walk compared to this round!

These past 2-3 days, I try eating more meat, more protein, nutrition shakes, fruit, carbohydrates, even celery... nothing seems to work.  What goes in ends up coming out pretty quick.  This sucks... I may as well be chained to a toilet.  *deep sigh*

Father God... what do you want of me?  What  can I do with this broken body of mine? How can I continue to serve?

Lord Father, I'm stuck... and I'm really scared.  The pain is nothing.  I can deal with pain!  Today, I challenged myself to not take any pain medicines... I'm more achy, but I can deal with it.  What I don't know is how to deal with eating, drinking, pooping.  Each day is a new day, a day of hope, of potential change, of new things or methods to try, of more training!  Lord, give me wisdom!  I don't want to waste this body you've given me, but I also don't know what to do.  These new changes are scary, very difficult for me to accept/handle, and totally life-changing!

Help!

Lord, Father God, even in the midst of this new challenge, I thank you for always providing.  I don't know where things are going to go or how you plan to work through my life, but I still see you moving!  Financially, you are still providing... food, you still provide... even a working vacuum-cleaner and random supplies... Lord, all this you continue to provide for my needs.  I don't know where you're going with my life and I have absolutely no idea how you're going to lead me... but Lord, I trust that your provisions are not given in vain... that even in this time and this place, you have a journey set for me and I don't want to miss it!

So Lord, where I go... where I can go with this body of mine... I completely leave in your care.  If I can step no further than 10 feet from a restroom, then so be it.  If I can again travel hours at full-strength, then so be your will.  Lord, I only ask that this trial.... this challenge I go through will not be in vain. May my hope always be in you, Father God.  Use me, Lord, use my life and my story so that your very name will be glorified.

In Jesus' name, I offer my hope, my life and my plea to you, Father God... grow me, bless me, use me, heal me.  Amen.