Black and White

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today, I actually had the most energy in a long time!  Such a huge blessing.  Unfortunately, I overdid my list of activities, got super tired and snapped at Noel.  Poor Noel... I'm fine one minute then grouchy the next with no warning at all.  *sheepish grin*  My attitude when I'm tired or not feeling well is not something I'm proud of.  I'm blessed that God gave me Noel who more than puts up with my wild mood swings.

On a totally different tangent, I'm really dreading Monday.  Bright and early, I'll start my chemotherapy.  My doctor assures me I for sure won't be able to work. *cringe*  Really?  I was told that attempting to work through my first rounds of chemo with Taxotere and Gemzar was going to be tough... but with God's help, I still worked through that period of my life.  Why not this time as well?

My sarcoma doctor looks me straight in the eyes.  Gently and firmly, she states: "This time will be different." 

"Different?  Is it really going to be that bad?"

Nodding her head, my doctor's quiet affirmation sends a wave so cold that time stops.  Wide eyed, I ask... "for how long?'

"You will spend 5 days in the hospital, rest 2 weeks at home.  There will be 5 rounds.  Your hair will start falling out in about 10 days.  You will be nauseous, fatigued, in pain.  We will give you meds.  If you ever have a fever of 100.3 or higher, go to the emergency room.  An infection can kill you."

So yeah... I'm worried.  I'm dreading these next 4 months... but what can I do? Nothing really.  I told God that I will trust him to lead my doctors.  It doesn't matter even if the chemotherapy is unsuccessful.  I believe the most important choice I make is to follow through with the journey God wants me to go through... for his glory and his purpose.  Not mine.

How much more will my body get messed up?  This recent surgery already drew me further into an emotional pit of despair than anything ever before.  I know my future will hold a deeper level of difficulty, harder challenges, more pain. *shudder*

May God be glorified through my life because I will have nothing left of "myself."  My identity as a physical therapist, female paintball player, leader serving at church... everything and anything I ever could label as "this who and what Kristy is" becomes obsolete.  These are things Kristy may never be able to do again.

To believe that I cannot contribute, help, work, or even function properly... I feel useless.  I feel as if I won't have a life if I can't do anything.  So what's left?  My past glories?  Bleh, living in the past has no hope, no future, no life.  My attitude?  Ummm... my attitude's really poor when I don't feel well.  Careful, I bite.  Only thing left is my identity in Jesus Christ.  I will have nothing left of myself.  Stripped bare and back to basics... I'm scared beyond words. 

Talk about diving in head-first huh?  Barely getting my footing from my surgery in August, now this new scary chemo. But ya know what?  I'll get to see God so clearly again and again and again.  My life will suck so bad that I will have little to no control and power of my own.  But, I will be blessed by being able to clearly experience the reality of having God in my life.  Money, will-power, independence, brains, strength... none of these things gain me access to God.  In fact, because all these things will be lost, taken away from me, I will need God as I never have before. 

Everytime I tell myself "this is as bad as it gets.  This is as much as I can possibly take."  I'm proved wrong.  By the power of God the Father, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... one God... I am blessed to see how I am so loved, so cared for... a blessing no money, no time, no amount of hard work can ever buy.  By the strength and provision of my Lord, I am where I am today.  Alive.  Hopeful.  Continually challenging the chains and restrictions of this body. 

Only in the deepest blackness of my heart and mind can I appreciate the purest white of God's presence.

May the full peace and love of Christ light your path and bring you joy as he has mine.

October 14: North Shore (Oahu) eating shaved ice with natural fruit topping.  So ono (yummy).

October 18:  Just enough energy to enjoy an archery lesson gifted by my brother.  So fun!