Mental War

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sleepy.  Everyday, I wake up a little more tired.  A little less energy.  A little less motivated to move.  Get up!  Kristy... You can't let yourself get stuck here.  I've just started chemotherapy, this is only my first round of 5... So much more to go.  I'm barely out of the starting gate!  If I stop moving now, I'll never be able to carry myself to the end.

Mouth dry.  My breath stinks.  The sink feels so far away.  The energy needed to brush my teeth... Give me some time to re-energize, I'll make it.  I really can't complain.  I'm given room service, share a room with a lady in such a way we don't clash.  The bathroom contains a shower and toilet on my side, her side contains the sink. I even requested a stationary bike and have one in my room which overlooks a lush green garden.  Cool mist coats the leaves.  A slight breeze stirs the leaves.  No birds, no squirrels, but I'm sure they're there.

The care I get is great, but nothing beats being at home. I constantly compare: hospital versus home... Besides "home" being my own private place with everything set-up just the way I like... The hospital's not so different... at least, that's what I try to tell myself.  I've got a bed to sleep in, lots of pillows to cuddle with, internet access... Naw, it's not the same. Here at the hospital, I'm told what to take and when.  My skin is examined in detail by strangers for pressure ulcers.  My urine is constantly being monitored.  My every meal is examined. The IV machine constantly clicks, tailing me wherever I go.  Hospital staff walk in and out as I take a shower, even a change of clothing requires assistance to disconnect the lines attached to my chest.

I keep telling myself... this situation isn't so bad.  I'm mostly awake, I'm stable enough to ride a stationary bike, I can take a shower by myself without help, I can eat without throwing up, I'm able to perform exercises in bed and out... Now, when do I leave this plush cage?  Tomorrow!!!  I totally can't wait!

Lord Father, I'm not sure what I'm doing here.  Getting chemotherapy... getting sicker to get better.  Part of me understands the logical reasons for going through this whole process, but another part of me just wants to stop this whole chemotherapy and let things be.  This fight is both physical and mental.  I'm not sure which is harder to deal with.

Father in Heaven, please give me strength.  The strength to see beyond where I am and what I'm currently experiencing.  Help me focus on the future, the next step, to stay cheerful, to have hope and purpose in you. God, this life doesn't feel much like living.  Imprisoned.  Chained.  Please help me see beyond these walls.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Got IV?