Learning to Listen

Thursday, August 6, 2015

"I'm sorry."

"God forgives you."

"Will you forgive me?"

"What you said really hurt; but God forgives you."

"But will you forgive me?"

Silence.  "Fine."

Argh!  Not quite the response I'm looking for, but that just means I must have said something very hurtful.  What is it?  I'm not sure.  I'm apologizing because I can see that I really hurt Noel... but how?  What did I say and what did he hear?

God, beats me what I did wrong, but I did something.  Give me wisdom when the time is right to completely resolve this situation so that it doesn't happen again.  Give me ears to listen and a heart to understand.  Give Noel and I a time to really talk to each other; openly, honestly, and without hurting each other. 

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Sunday, August, 9, 2015

"Noel, can I ask you about the night you got grumpy?  I know I apologized, but I want to understand what you were feeling and thinking so that I don't make the same mistake again."

"Huh?  I don't remember.  What night?  When did I get grumpy?"

If he can't remember, is it a big deal?  *deep sigh* 

I don't want to make the same mistakes over again so I need to know more.  What really happened?  I can't run away now.  I need to face my failures head-on.  I want to minimize future hurt for both of us. 

Deep breath in.  Pause.  Letting the air seep from between my lips, I prepare myself.  Even if I look stupid or sound dumb, I need to learn more about the communication between Noel and I. I hate doing stuff like this.

"A couple nights ago, you were complaining about dealing with traffic every day, hating the long drives.  You were talking about how work is very stressful in combination with my chemo treatments and feeling very frustrated.  Then I said something about God placing you in your current job and the location he's called you to serve in... I can't quite remember either, but something I said made you feel bad.  I remember feeling bad that you are so stressed and I couldn't help.  From my end, I was trying to comfort you by speaking of God's purpose for you and the hardships he's called you to... that he grows you because he loves you.  On your end, what did you hear?  What part of my words were you reacting to?  How did you feel?"

"Oh, I remember now.  I needed to vent.  Instead, your reply made me feel that the job I'm doing is not doing enough.  That I'm not working hard enough.  That my effort isn't appreciated.  I just want you to listen."

Father God, thank you for providing a resolution in how to deal with a similar issue in the future.  Thank you for a deeper understanding into how Noel thinks.  Thank you for creating a time I can really listen to Noel share about his thoughts and struggles; I really enjoyed tonight's talk.  Thank you for keeping my mouth shut to listen and stopping me from interjecting my thoughts, comments, or any advice.

Lord, I will continue to pray for my husband's well-being.  I ask that you bless Noel with patience and calm as he drives through traffic with increasingly inattentive drivers.  I ask for your provision in wherever you call Noel to work.  Give him wisdom to prioritize, a heart to love on his co-workers, focus, flexibility, energy to face long hours, and unshakable faith that he is exactly where you call him to be.  Open his eyes so he can see the path you're walking him through.  Keep his eyes fixed on you so that you will shine.  Provide so that Noel knows he is not working by his own power but by yours.

God, give me the heart to just listen when my husband needs to vent.  Give me the wisdom when to stay quite and the right words when you want me to speak up.  Father, I submit my heart to you.  Lighten Noel's burden as I cannot.  I want to carry some of my husband's load, but instead, me and my body are a burden.  If I can't speak words to help and to heal, I can pray.  So Lord, be the support my husband needs.  Give him the strength, courage, faith to keep moving forward.  Give me the right attitude, heart, eyes and ears to be what able to accomplish what you've called me to do.  Give me the ability to serve and show my respect to my husband for all that he does.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.    

God blessed me by strengthening my body enough that I was able to enjoy the 2015 Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit!  Thank you God for using the classes to give me the wisdom and courage needed to speak up and work things out with Noel.  Here I am enjoying the sun and cool breeze after my last day:

Choices: 1st round of chemotherapy

Hot air rushes past dry crackling lips.  I desperately attempt to fill my lungs with fresh air.  Sucking.  Chest expanding.  It's no use.  Nothing changes.  I lay in bed, panting, trying to get air, but can't seem to slow down my breathing enough to take a deep breath.  Heart pounding, I can feel the blood pulsing through my limbs.  I take a quick assessment of my body: hot, probably fever; twitch my fingers, maybe the smallest movement only noticeable to me; open my eyes, just enough to glimpse a sliver of light.  What happened to all my motor functions?

*click*

I hear the front door.  Yay, Noel's parents are here!  Excited, I attempt to call out a greeting.  Nothing.  Soundless, my lips barely move.  Air flows quickly, but no sound comes out.  I try again.  Failure.

What should I do?  I'm all here in my head, but my body doesn't obey my commands.  I have no sense of time.  I'm unable to move, to speak.  Interesting ideas are coming to mind about how to draw attention: throwing my seal plushie down the stairs, knocking over my water bottle... Yeah, if only I can move.

*rumble*
               *squeak*

Ah, Noel's home!  Anticipating him checking in on me, I prepare to go all out and catch his attention!  Air hisses out my throat, but no recognizable sounds.  Furiously I attempt to roll out of bed... my foot moves one inch, maybe less.  My hand, a slight vibration through the bed, but no sound.  Panting, I lay, still in the same position I've been in all day.

Helpless I lay trapped under heavy comforters.  I listen to Noel greet his parents, go back outside to clean his paintball gear, then come back inside.  *clink*  I hear metal utensils clanking on the food bowl... Noel's probably eating.

Hello... I try to call out.  But again, I can only produce the same panting breath as before.

I don't know how much time has past until I feel a slight vibration through the bed.  Is that steps on the stairs?  Noel?  I hear a person creep silently to my side, probably trying not to wake me.

Look!  I'm awake!  Look harder!

Hot air continues to flow in quick bursts between my lip.  I still don't have control.  In frustration, I feel burning tears slide down my face.

"Why are you crying?"

I try to answer, but nothing comes out.  I feel my tears flow faster.

A rough and cool finger wipes away my tears; first my right eye, then my left.  New tears flow out.  I think my pillow is starting to get wet.  This is embarrassing.

I feel my body pulled partially upright.  I'm dead weight, I can't move a single muscle to help.  A wet spoon touches my lips and pours soup into my mouth.  I attempt to swallow and choke instead.  After a couple more failed attempts with the spoon, I mouth "straw."  Straw in hand, Noel holds my head up.  I still choke three or four times, but at least the fluid is going down the right tube.

Noel cradles my head.  I'm finally able to open my eyes.  Gently, he brushes his face near mine, "Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry."  I didn't mean to.  I didn't feel good, I hurt, got really hungry and then I couldn't move at all.  I'm scared too... I've never been trapped alert in my body before.  It sucks.


Father God, I don't remember much of these past couple days, but I acknowledge everything is in your control.  Thank you for providing Noel the ability to work at home when I  first needed care.  Thank you that Noel's parents are willingly staying over these past couple of days to cook, clean, check up on me, literally feed me, carry my to and from the house to the car for my acupuncture appointment, feed the cats... So much, Lord God, am I blessed by your provision when I can do absolutely nothing on my own.

Fevers rage. Pain immobilizes me.  Strength is nonexistent.  Air, a difficult to acquire commodity.  I lay in bed; tossing in discomfort when I can, freezing in pain or sometimes writhing to find a more comfortable position.  I pant for air and claw at the bed.  My mind is glazed, time flows on.

Every day is a battle.  Do I choose to follow my doctor's advice and continue injecting the Neupogen that's supposed to protect me but also causes fevers in the 102+ range, uncontrolled by Tylenol and requires me to constantly take Benedryl to ward off my allergic reactions?  Just one more day.  Keep going.  Can I eat enough to maintain my weight without getting nauseous?  I've lost 5 pounds now,  but I make sure that I eat every 1-2 hours I'm awake.  Exercise?  Forget it.  I'm lucky that I can even use the restroom without falling over.


Lord God, even in this time, I know that you're with me because you promised to be.  In you I trust; no more and no less.  Because I acknowledge you, Father God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as sovereign Lord of my life and my household, I trust the stability of my health in your hands.  By choosing to follow doctor's orders, I am choosing to follow your lead.  As I send Noel off to serve in Bigfoot youth retreat, a huge part of me wants my husband by my side, but when it comes to serving you, may nothing... not my health nor personal wishes interfere.  So Lord, for these next 4 days and 3 nights, I entrust my husband, myself, Noel's parents all into your all-powerful hands.  May our attitudes and decisions bring you complete glory for we serve you first... beyond ourselves and even our families... to you and for you, Oh Lord, may you truly always come first.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.



Here's a pic of my first chemo infusion of Dacarbazine... it's cold!

In Broken Hopes & Dreams

Opening my laptop, I see a sticky note.  "DO YOUR BLOG!  =P  MUAH!"

Noel went off to the church retreat for the weekend and I'm finding surprise notes all around the house.  So cute! 

But.... I don't wanna!  Actually, I already have a blog post written... just don't want to edit it and post it.  You'd think the editing and posting is easy... well, it is.  I'm just lazy.  I'd rather write a handful of journal entries than to go through it again and again to polish it.  =S 

Okay.  Okay.  Think of this long 3-week break from blogging as my birthday gift to myself.  *smirk*  I'll get my butt back in gear now.  Yup yup....

(Sitting at my computer.  Staring at the word-filled screen.  Hand on mouse.  Motionless.)

6 hours later...

July 6, 2014

"What will you be like in 20 years?  What do you expect to have?  Write each individual want, dream, hope, expectation down on its own piece of paper."

High school youth sprawl on the floor in a large circle.  Thoughtful faces.  Intense scribbling. First one paper then another flies to the center.  Quickly, a small pile of bent and creased index cards form.

"Here, lets have two of you organize all the papers into groups and label the theme of each pile."

House.  Job.  Car.  Vacation locations.  Husband/Wife.  Children.  Hobbies.  Successes.  Personal characteristics.  Money.  Stability.  Comfort items.  Material goods.  This is what these youth want to achieve, acquire and experience in their future.

Organizing the piles of what these youth want in their lives 20 years down the road, I see a reflection of my own hopes and dreams.

My eyes scan across the semi-circle of youth sprawling on the floor.  I see apathy and curiosity, alert attentiveness and casual disinterest.  Either way, no one is talking.  All ears are open to listen and all eyes pointing towards Noel and I.  Now, it is our turn to share.  Using these cards neatly organized in front of us, Noel and I will take turns sharing our own dreams from our high school days and the outcomes we experience now, many years later.

Grabbing a pile, I look at the topic:  "Husband/Wife."  Ahhhhhh, this brings back memories.  I remember laying in bed, eyes unfocused, staring at the ceiling.  What kind of husband do I want?  What kind of marriage do I want to have?  How serious am I going to be about my criteria and why?

I'd like a man who is handsome, but we all get old anyways so this will go on my "I would like but not have to have list."  My whole family is tall, so someone who is at least 5'8" to 5'10" would be great.  A man who speaks Mandarin so he can participate with my family during dinner conversations that switch between Chinese and English is ideal.  

On the other hand, there are things I absolutely will not compromise on.  I need someone who loves me and sees/knows the real me.  I have to have a man who loves God first and has the heart to follow Jesus Christ above even his heart for me because this is the type of life I want to live for myself.  I seek a man who desires to grow his relationship with God as his priority so that we can be of one heart and one mind... to truly be able to say that Jesus Christ is the head of our household in all respects, to be equals and acknowledged stewards of all God's given gifts.  I want a husband with whom I can share my entire life with.  A man to share in my future and my goals.  A man who will walk the same path I do, towards Jesus Christ.  This is my dream husband, my ideal.

Before I met Noel, there was only one man who ever made it past the barriers around my heart.  He was a childhood friend.  I can say that I really really liked him.  Back in college, we would talk on the phone every night.  Sometimes, he would come up to Davis to meet me.  One time, I even went down to LA to meet him.  One night while we were talking on the phone, I got asked the question "will you be my girlfriend?"  Happy and ecstatic, I wanted to answer "yes!"  But wait... my purpose of a boyfriend is for assessing if the man is appropriate to be my husband.  This man does not know God, much less place Jesus as first in his life.  He cannot, as he is now, be my life partner.  No matter how hard we try to work this relationship, he will never understand my heart for Christ unless he also experiences the same.  As things stand, he will never be able to be my spiritual equal, to walk in the same direction, to understand the reasoning behind my decisions, to truly know the largest aspect of my life.  I don't want to be lonely in my walk with my Lord God from the person who is supposed to walk closest by my side on this earth.

I remember having to say "no, I cannot be your girlfriend."  Trying to explain myself, telling this man that even if I cared for him... that a deeper relationship would not work out.  I remember that night, sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.  I lay huddled in my sleeping bag with tears constantly seeping out of my eyes.  Fist in my mouth, I did my best to stifle my cries.  My chest hurts.  I'm suffocating inside.  I can't believe I just let go of this someone I really really wanted to be with... but, in the long run, I would hurt more to stick with someone, who I knew from the very start, didn't walk towards the same future I seek.

Lord, to me, following you is worth this pain.  My heart twists inside, but I want to choose you over myself.  I need you, Father God, more than anything else this world offers.  Even though I struggle to let go of what I think I want, what I think I need... Lord, I know that you have even better.

You, Father God, Jesus Christ, are my goal, my role model, my purpose in this life.  You hold my true heart.  You know me above and beyond what I even know of myself.  I will not accept second best.  Lord God, you take first in my heart so give me a partner who will also place you first.  Sooth this pain I feel in my chest.  Someday, if it is your will, allow me to walk beside a man who seeks you first, and in doing so, may I have a man who can run besides me, chasing you as our sole goal in life.

Now, years later, I can proudly say that the wait is worth it.  Having Noel walk besides me, supporting me, loving me in ways I never imagined possible... I can state that the husband I am blessed with, together, we walk towards Jesus Christ.  Eyes both fixed on God.  Supporting each other when we stumble.  Celebrating together in the joys of this life.  At peace in seeing God's blessings and provisions... I have a partner, who is fully my equal, who shores up my weaknesses and I his, one who allows me to grow my strengths, one who I can lean on to let God lead in our marriage.  I am blessed with Noel, who is beyond any dream a high school or college girl could have... a husband who's goal is to live as Christ calls.  The wait is worth it.  Every year, every day, I fall more and more in love with this man God placed in my life: walking the same path, pulling at each other when one strays... always, the same goal under the leadership of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father God, you do know my heart.  You know what I can handle and provide accordingly.  Lord, as I struggle to choose you first in all aspects of my life, I get to experience your blessings in ways I've never imagined possible.  By giving up my first romance for you, Lord, I gained Noel.  For giving up racing cars, I gained the honor of becoming a youth counselor and the ability to impact young lives.  By giving my health and my future into your care, I am blessed with peace of heart and a purpose in my daily life.

Lord Jesus, in giving up my own definition of my hopes, dreams and their acquisition by my hands... In you, I have gained more joy, more love, more hope, more peace, and more fulfillment.  In breaking me of my youthful desires for my future, you in turn continue to grow my dreams even larger by changing their definitions, expanding potentials, and opening new doors.

Lord, you love me enough that you don't want me to remain as a caterpillar but to evolve into a butterfly.  The growth process is painful, sometimes disheartening... But the end result is that by your power, I can fly into a realm a caterpillar can never reach.  

Thank you, Lord, for caring about me enough to release me from the chains of this earth, for giving me new hope and bigger dreams.  Thank you for giving me a purpose to live; one bigger than myself.  Lord, as I start another year of my life, help hone my dreams.  Shape me into a person who shines so brightly with your spirit that people see you instead.  Thank you for gifting me with wings growing ever bigger, ever brighter.  Thank you for helping me fly ever higher.

Lord, following you is my dream.  Responding to and sharing your love is my purpose in this life.  You, O Lord, are my greatest treasure.  Thank you for allowing me to aim so high.  Thank you for guiding me when I stubbornly stray.  Thank you for your infinite patience and this astounding peace.

In Jesus' name, amen.

What are your dreams?  

Where does your heart lay?  

What do you treasure most?

May you be blessed to stay true to your real path, to grow ever greater your dreams and to know where your real treasures lay.

My family celebrating my birthday with dinner:

Being Broken

Lord, thank you for this annoyingly frail body.  I am a woman who can see your blessings.  You've blessed me with a husband who loves me beyond my comprehension.  Meals served in bed.  Laundry washed and separated.  Grocery shopping complete.  Dishes washed.  Cats?  Fed and cleaned.  Finances already dealt with.  Anything I want, my husband does his best to provide.  I am beyond spoiled. 

There are times I feel so inadequate.  My husband caters to all my wants and needs day in and day out... and what do I do?  Nothing.  There is nothing I can do to equal or even repay a portion of the time he spends loving me.  There is no gift I can offer in response except to do my best and love my husband in return.  Sometimes, I feel that my love alone isn't enough... I want to offer more, take some of the burden off his shoulders, but I cannot... my body fails me.

Lord God, I am amazed at the love I see through my husband's daily actions.  I don't do anything to deserve or to even earn his love.  And yet, day in and day out, he serves me without complaint.  If anything falls, he comes running to see if I'm hurt. Father God, thank you for allowing me to be physically broken so I can appreciate the love of my husband.  In him, I can see the reflection of your love for me.  In his word, his actions, his touch... Every bit is filled with his love for me that I do nothing to deserve.  I work.  I eat.  I sleep.

In such a way, Father God, you loved us first.  Through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you gave me your ultimate gift... The ability to be by your side, in your presence, to be called your child.  Your love overwhelms me.  Through the actions of my husband, I see you so clearly.  Even though I do not deserve your love, have done nothing that can earn your mercy, you still love me.  In my imperfection, in my selfishness, in my brokenness... You speak of your love for me through your provisions, your blessing of peace, your gift of hope and your assurance that no matter what I do or say, I am still your beloved.

Nothing I can do or say will make you love or care for me any more than you already do.  I cannot buy your love or earn it through tasks.  Lord, serving you is my heartfelt response to the love you first showed me.  I choose to follow you, God, not because of laws or commands, but out of a reflection of the love I have already received.

To God my Father, my Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I give you praise.  Thank you for allowing me to see you.  Thank you for gifting me with difficult circumstances so I can see you in action.  Thank you for the reflection of your amazing love through my husband and his faithful service towards me.

I am unworthy, but I can say that this opportunity to know you personally, Lord God, is a priceless gift beyond any treasures of this world.  Thank you, God, for being my God who loves me beyond all human measures, beyond anything I can do in return, beyond anything I can earn or buy or say.  To you, Lord, be all the glory and praise.

Hanging out with Kalpana and Ngoc, waiting to get a massage:

My Husband

Noel. My beloved. My heart. My other half. You are an amazing blessing from God. I am honored to walk by your side.

I can proudly boast about how much you’ve grown as my husband, as a man and as a leader. Learning to follow Jesus Christ as Lord, letting go of doing things your own way, taking heart and being at peace in God’s provisions, stepping up to take responsibility in our household, willing to make the tough decisions, handling the household finances… I fall more and more in love with the man God is shaping you into. I love your integrity. I appreciate your hard-working nature. I take pride in your willingness when cornered to seek God. I feel secure in the fact you let God guide you as the head of our household. I respect the strength and courage you demonstrate each day to face forward, trusting in God’s provision and timing: for my health, for your future job, for our finances, for the time given us to spend together.

Thank you for showing me every day how much you love me… by your attitude, your actions, your words. In comparison, I’m not able to offer you much. Even though I only work 3 days a week, I come home and crash. However, what I can do is pray. Because I believe that God our Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as one God is all-powerful, I give our future, our hopes, our dreams, our wants and our needs into his hands.

May our Lord bless you, my husband, with favor: favor with the people you meet; in your future job and the co-workers you will have; in seeing the blessings given you day by day, weeks, months and years to come.

Lord Jesus, thank you for my husband’s heart to follow you as Lord and Savior. Thank you for bringing peace and joy in our household even when everything appears to go wrong. Thank you for always providing, even as I only work part-time and Noel is jobless, you bless us with time together, Noel’s ability to do everything around the house (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up… I don’t do anything at all!), the bills are paid, and our spirits don’t feel burdened. Lord, I know that in your time, you will provide Noel a job… one that he will thrive in, a workplace where he will be challenged to expand his skills, a community of friends, and a place where you will be glorified.

In Jesus’ name I lift my hands in prayer and praise.

If you don’t mind praying for Noel’s job, this is his prayer request: “For continued patience with my job search, as nothing has panned out with any past resume submissions.”

Thank you everyone for your love and support!  *super big hug*

Noel playing with toys... soooo cute!

Creation to the Creator

“Helllllloooooooo.  We’re here!”

“Hi Mom!  Hi Jess!”

Sweet, my mom and my sister are here.  It feels like forever since we’ve hung out.  Lily’s also coming later today!  The plan is to hang out then go get a “foot massage” which includes the whole body _and_ hot stones.  Hurray!

“Hey guys.  Did you eat yet?  Just made fried rice.  Hungry?”

“Starving!  We haven’t eaten lunch yet.”

“Okay, this enough for you?  It’s ground beef with leftover beef broth, pad see ew sauce, fish cakes, corn, cashews… stuff like that.  Basically, the fried rice is made from random left-overs in the fridge.”

With my mom and my sister, Jessica, sitting next to me at the dinner table, I decide to pull out my jewelry-making tools.  Pliers: bent nose, duckbill, knotting, curved, wire cutter… okay, I have a LOT of stuff.  Disposable stainless steel scissors act as my anvil.  The mallet I stole from the garage. I even pull out a 925 stamp to mark my finished products as officially being sterling silver.  Little plastic re-sealable bags are for my scrap silver (I even collect the silver dust from shavings to use later).  Beads… I have two plastic containers, each with 30 small pill-like compartments, filled with beads of different colors and sizes.  Silver wire: 20 gauge and the thinner 24 gauge.  Paper clip.  Needle files.  Enough?  I’ve covered the whole dinner table except for where my sister and mom are eating!  *sheepish grin*

“If you see something you like, let me know and I’ll make it.” 

Taking out my finished earrings, I spread them over the little remaining table space.  As I start grabbing my silver wire, my mom reaches out.  Grabbing one of my earrings, she states “I want this one in orange.”

“Okay, orange rabbit earrings coming right up.  How about you Jess?”

“Do you have pen and paper?”

Huh?  Puzzled, I stand up and walk over to a side table.  There, I grab a pad of paper provided by some local advertising realtor.  Walking back, I reach over Jessica’s shoulders and grab a pen from the top of my electric keyboard (yes that gets used as storage surface too).  

“Here you go.”

Taking the pen and paper, Jessica immediately leans forward.  Sketching out a couple of lines, she turns the paper towards me.  “Can you make this?”

“You mean kind of like my amethyst droplet earrings with the long hook wire?”

“Yeah, but make the distance between the dangling bead and the ear hook longer.  Also, use these cats-eye beads.”

“Sure, dig for the beads you like and I’ll make it.  I suck at combining different colors... you've gotta match the beads for me.”

Lord, thank you so much for this time with my family.  Pulling out my stash of earrings isn't the easiest for me.  To me, each earring is something I took time to create and put a lot of effort into creating.  Showing them off and being open to critique is scary, especially when it's in person.  I know my technique is constantly being improved upon… and I like my own work.  However, there’s many different styles of earrings I’ve made.  Some of my earrings I’d seriously wear and others only for fun (and others not my style at all).  Well, at least from family, I’ll hear pretty clearly what’s what.  And honestly, I enjoy my creations being appreciated.  Some of my pieces need improvement; others, I am happy to say “I really like.” 

Father, you created me.  What am I in your eyes?  Sometimes in mine, “I’m pretty good.”  Other times, in my own eyes, I feel dirty and stained and worn.  Masked under my current jewelry hobby, Lord, I struggle and still get super frustrated.  I want to be up and doing everything that comes into my mind with no holds barred!  When I think of making cookies, I want the energy to make cookies.  When I want to go for a walk with my friend, I want the energy to do so!  Even when I make jewelry, I had to depend on my sister to tell me that the wire ends were still sharp (I couldn’t feel the sharpness, even on the underside of my wrist).

Lord, as I twist and turn… often blinded by my wants, my wishes… Father, I don’t like this part of myself.  This journey you’re allowing me to walk through, even with the crazy cool blessings… there are many times I want OUT!  I just want to be normal again.  I want the energy to be out there doing my crazy activities.  I want.  I want.  I want… and I don’t want to have to keep depending on everyone.  I like my independence!

*sigh*

Father God… all-in-all, you are my Lord.  I don’t always like my life, but I will keep living it until you call me home.  Even though I feel physically weak, there are those who are even weaker.  Even though I complain about not having enough energy, there are those who have even less than I do.  Even though I hate my allergies and my current digestive system, my life could be way worse.  I keep telling myself the blessings I DO have.  Sometimes this cheers me up.  Sometimes it doesn’t. 

In the end, what I want doesn’t mean I’ll get it. 

Lord, help me.  Open my eyes to focus on the good even as I see the bad.  Help me to see my life as one half full and not half empty.  Give me the strength to appreciate all your blessings in all its forms. 

Thank you that even in my life as it is, you give me great joy, consistent peace and so much love.  Thank you, Father, for this undeserved grace, for your consistent mercy.  Lord, thank you for showing me your uncompromising love: the care and blessings you shower on me and my household, the tough situations to stretch and grow me and your ever-ready hands to catch me.

Lord, I have nothing I can give, do or say that you need.  All I can do and will continue to do is make the choice to follow you, to serve you.  In the name of Jesus Christ, I offer you my all: my heart, my life, my soul.  Amen.

Morning at Home

New Video: Kristy gets a haircut!
Thanks Stephen for doing such an awesome job compiling this!  Video can also can be found in my video corner... look to the right of your screen.  =D

Monday, Novemeber 18, 2013

Warm.  Soft.  Comfortable.  Drifting in a haze of  *beep* *beep* *beep*  "Hmmmmmm..."  Burying my head deeper into warm comforters, I attempt to ignore the intruding sounds of an old alarm clock.

The body besides me flings out his arm, hitting the snooze button.  Grumbling at the seeping cold, I cling tighter to my pillows, seeking warmth.  Arms and legs reach out, blindly grasping, winding tight around the only other warm object available, my husband.  Twinning tight... I'm not letting go!

Quiet.  Peace.  Radiating warmth.  I relax and submerge myself back into vivid dreams of real people and fantastically impossible situations. This must be a side effect of the chemotherapy because I only ever get these crazy half awake, half asleep dreams each week I first get back home.

Drifting in warm gray fog, real or not, I don't care.  This is comfortable.  Diffuse light flows softly, calmly.  Nothing harsh, nothing sharp exists here.  Nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry over.  I'm content to stay like this forever!  What?  Cold seeps in, reality intrudes. My warm heat source is moving!  Nooooooo!!!  Dazed, I feel warm blankets tucked tight around me. A flutter of cold air and a smaller blanket settles around me, lulling me into its warm embrace.

In the muffled distance, I can hear my husband getting ready to start his day.  So soon?  Plantively, I offer a token grumble of protest.  No effect.  Bummer.  A new day.  What dragons will I face this time?  Slowly, I prepare.  Layer on layer of expectations, resolutions... list upon list of intentions.  Armor.  Guard. Shield.  Heart.  Okay... think I'm prepared to face the day.

Thump.  The bed shakes.  Careful.  Slow.  Determined.  A heavy weight approaches.  Nooooooooooo, I don't want this, not right now!  I'm not ready yet!  The bed dips.  Closer and closer.  Up my leg, then my hip... finally, settling on my upper chest.  Face tucked close with mine, my cat, Mika, pads at my neck and purrs.  Soft.  Fluffy.  Whiskers in my face.  Glowing eyes stare deep into my sleep-glazed eyes. Ugh.  So heavy.  Paws constantly moving, demanding attention, demanding to be petted and cuddled.  A distracted glance, that's all it takes.  Mika stealthily creeps forward, closer, even closer.  A paw lands on my face.  Annoyed, I wiggle to dislodge the unwanted bulk.  Insufficient.  Against Mika's determined will and my half-hearted attempts, I loose.  Soft, cute, furry... Yeah, all that and _heavy_ too.  Grrrr.... get that fluffy butt OFF my face!

"Good morning Ma'am.  I have your breakfast.  What is your name and birthday?"  Huh?  What?  Heavy Philipino accent?  I'm home right?  Or am I dreaming and I'm still at the hospital?  Argh... where am I really?  Rolling towards the voice, I crack open one eye .  There's a cat, I've gotta be at home.  Through dense fuzzy fur, I see two arms outreached, a silhouette with his back hunched forward and a steaming bowl of what smells like chicken soup.  Blinking away my mental fog, I watch my husband as he stands there watching me.  What in the world?  His body language looks just like the service staff at the hospital offering me food!

Bursting out in laughter, I reply "Kristy Esporo.  July 5th, 19**."

Humph, thought you're gonna figure out how old I am huh?  You really wanna know?  Too bad for those who don't already know.  *smirk*

Thank you, Father God, for a wonderful husband who daily serves me breakfast in bed.  Thank you for his constant sense of humor, his positive attitude, his loving heart.  Lord, you've blessed me beyond measure.  Because of your provisions, my husband and I can wake up laughing.  Because of these many gifts you've given us, we don't have to wake up in the morning and worry about what the day will bring... we know that you've already provided and will continue to provide.  Any worries we may have are just a slight drop in the calm pool of your all-powerful presence.

Lord, I am overwhelmed by your love.  So deep.  So impossible.  So complete.

May the laughter your've blessed us with in our household resound in those reading this blog.  Father God, you are awesome.  What else can I say?  Money, security, health... Noel and I have none of these in excess, but we are joyful in your presence beyond comprehension because we know... we know that we are completely cared for, loved, and that nothing... absolutely nothing is out of your control.  Lord God, I feel so loved now, more than when our jobs were stable.  More than when I had full independence.  More than when I thought I knew where my life was headed.  Lord... all the dreams that were based on stability and independence... now out the window... I am happier and acknowledge that I am more blessed than I believed possible!  Thank you.

In Jesus' holy name, I give my thanks, amen.

Ducking down so the needles show!  =D  Acupuncture is so cool... I felt so much better!

My parents and I having fun with the camera phone.

Life's Journey with God

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today, my nurse said, "I was reading your chart.  Wow, you've gone through a lot.  How do you stay so cheerful?"

How should I answer?  I don't have a quick easy answer except to say "God is good, really good."  Even a reply like this doesn't provide a full understanding of how God enables me to be cheerful.

My attitude and my personality alone didn't create this cheerfulness. Rather, I've struggled with so many ups and downs... been spun around with unexpected events occurring  so far out of the blue that I've heard many repetitions of the comment "this usually doesn't happen."  In truth, I'm cheerful and I take joy in seeing the blessings God brings into my life... but I can't say I'm "happy" about having cancer or living with so many unexpected struggles.

I'm learning to roll with the punches, to expect the unexpected. But most of all, I believe that my God has a purpose for my life.  I believe I have an all-powerful God guiding my life who can fully cure me of all my problems right now; however, I also believe in this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his [God's] purpose."  Romans 8:28 (New King James Version)

So for those, like me, who love God... what is this good thing we get?  This goodness is an advantage that benefits those who love God and specifically is linked with following God's purpose/calling.  This verse doesn't talk about getting good things like gifts just for the sake of acquiring more things... instead, this verse is about situational advantages that God promises to provide so that those who love him are enabled to walk the path he's laid out.

I know God loves me and that I am spoiled by his many provisions.  I know that God will shape my life to grow me to love him more so that my life can reflect his purpose, his power, his will.  I've find that my life is coming together in many unexpected ways.  In and through this cancer journey, I know I am undoubtably loved.

Quick list of huge blessings I've noted:
*Financially, Noel and I are not in the red even with a significant decrease in income these past few years... totally unexpected!
*My new dietary requirements would normally be a lot more difficult except that God has provided multiple people in my life who have already experienced similar issues and can provide a lot of insight.
*Driving for groceries is difficult, but God provides food from friends.
*Waves of despair and depression are buoyed by the constant support and encouragements of family and friends.
*God gave me medical knowledge in order to circumvent and manage many physical issues related to edema, open wounds, scars, fatigue, nutrition and medicine.

My conclusion: God has a reason and a purpose for my life, for this cancer, for all the ups and downs I have and will struggle through.

Lord Father God, you gave me this life... you can just as easily take this life away.  Why am I here?  What am I doing?  Lord, I know you have a broader vision.  Give me a glimpse of where you are leading me so I can hope, so I know where and how to fight.  May I be your soldier in this world, but not of it. Give me strength.  Give me insight.  Give me wisdom.  Give me courage.

Lord, help me fight where I need to fight.  Give me a humble attitude to listen when I need to follow.  Continue to boost my attitude as I chose to live this life in service to you. May my life, my words, my heart shine with your spirit.  May this life bring you, my God,  honor and glorify your name.  Give me reason to keep smiling.  Give me the heart to see the good and the fun in this life's journey.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Playing paintball with our team: Uprising!

Exercising or sleeping? Take a guess :P

Maui, Hawaii

Monday, October 7, 2013

Mask, check.  Snorkel, check.  Flippers, check.  I don't need anything else right?  *shrug*

Tentatively, I step forward, awkwardly maneuvering my enlarged flipper feet in the loose sand.  Wave after wave slide along the sand, eroding my base of support.  Suddenly, a larger wave crashes into me.  Tumbling and rolling, fighting to stay upright, bubble and air, water, sunlight, sand.  One last roll and I find myself sitting chest deep in water.  Well, I'm in.  No use backing out now.

Mask sealed tight, snorkel clenched between my teeth, I plunge my face into the water.  Hesitantly, I take my first breath.  Fresh air flows in.  Relief!  Breathing with my face submerged is unnatural.  Quelling my rising panic, I force myself to relax.  Softening tension-filled muscles, I allow myself to rock with each passing swell.  Now, another breath, stay relaxed, keep floating. Slowly, kicking my flippers for forward propulsion, I join my sister and youngest brother.

Silver, black, red, yellow... long, thin, sleek or bulky, ignoring all human presence, fishes of all sizes and colors swim and feed below.  Corals and thick-spinned sea urchins sit on scraggly rock surfaces.  Under a choppy ocean surface, clear ribbons of light thread through calm and playful waters.  Soft blue liquid churns white, infused with a screen of bubbles as wave after wave crashes against solid black rock walls.  A large sea turtle glides below, a rising of the head up then down, a single strong stroke of front flippers and the turtle quietly disappears under a rocky ledge.

Staring in wonder, I don't know how much time has passed.  Looking up, I see that the rest of my family is present.  My other brother is now here as well. Surprisingly, besides my dad is my mom. Wow, she actually made it out in these choppy waters!  Floating, we come together as a family.  It’s been many years since our last family vacation... I miss this, the memories of before and the new memories we create together now.

Thank you, Father God, for allowing me a fun-filled, exciting day of fun at the beach.  Thank you for giving me the strength to casually float and watch your amazing creations under water for close to 2 hours!  Lord, I know my body isn't normal anymore and that this one day of fun will cost me for the next day or two... But I'll treasure these memories and this opportunity to be outside with my family.  Thank you for blessing me with being able to go outside and have fun, see new sites, experience new things with the people I love.

Father God, I want more time to hang out with my family... am I being too greedy?  I want to go out and do more stuff, but I just physically cannot.  Sometimes my body is so weak that I feel dizzy standing.  Other times, I only have 15 minutes between restroom breaks.  There's a huge part of me that wants to please my family, give them a good time doing "family stuff."  My family is very thoughtful... they want to stay behind, keep me company so I don't get left out.  More pressure, more stress.  Unable to please, unable to participate... I feel like I’m a burden.  I want to please my family and let them experience the fun of Maui… and my family wants that for me… with them… together.  Grrrrrrrr…. God, this body of mine is so disappointing!  It is good to know that I am loved, wanted… but I’m tired.  I am so tired of always explaining why I can’t eat something when a tasty morsel is offered… why I can’t go out, just to lay on the beach or maybe snorkel a little… why I can’t go with my family to check out cool sites like Dragon’s Teeth or a black sand beach or go shopping.  I’m tired of saying I have to leave only to be pressure to stay longer when I can barely hold myself together.

God, this vacation is filled with such highs and deep lows.  Every moment that passes, I never know when my body will act up.  Lord, God of my life, in your hands I will continue to trust.  I thank you that there are good moments… because of the tough times, I can more clearly see how good the good times are.
Continue to bless me, guide me, provide for me.  In Jesus’ name I ask, I plead, I pray.  Amen.

When someone dies

Today, my great aunt died.

I'm not sure how to feel...she raised me. She gave up her job as a pharmacist and came to the States to raise me and my siblings while my parents worked.

When my family owned a little grocery store, we played there after school... free ice cream and Vienna sausages! On weekends, while we watched morning (and afternoon) cartoons, she would skin and cut fruit for us... even the grape skins and seeds would she carefully remove so that we would eat. Spoiled right? *smile*

Back then, she was a super clean freak... Everything had to be washed just right! She would fold our laundry, cook meals, and even play Chinese checkers with us... She was smart, and gentle, and loved us with all her heart. This is the person I miss... This is the woman I loved and respected!

These last few years, my great aunt struggled with CHF (congestive heart failure), multiple heart attacks, chest pain... diminishing health. For a while, when she stayed at a nursing home, her mind started to slip. She didn't always know who people were or what was going on so my family took her back home.

My grandma, my mom, my sister, and even my dad had to take care of her... Daily dealing with her constipation, diarrhea, increasing physical weakness, discomfort and pain. Her sharp mind never came back.

In these last few days, my dad had to physically carry her. My family changed her diapers, turned her in bed, fed her when she couldn't feed herself.

Today she went to the hospital. Today she died.

I grieve for the woman I knew growing up. I cry for the woman who raised me and struggled so hard to live.

Lord Father in heaven, I thank you that my great aunt is finally at rest and out of pain. I thank you for the opportunity of loving and being loved by her. If she had Jesus in her heart, as a Child of God, I thank you that I'll see her again.

For now, Lord, I ask that you bring my family close together. Give us hope that we'll someday meet again in your presence. Give us peace as we learn to live without her. Give us strength as we lean on each other. Give us a heart to rejoice now that my great aunt is no longer suffering.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.