Gluten Video Challenge II

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Hi everyone!

I'm not feeling my best so this next blog post is also a video.  Here, I decide to trust God to protect me as I ingest 3 grains of barley.

Due to many amazing donations through GoFundMe online, I am able to see my acupuncturist twice a week to manage my increasing discomfort.  Thank you for your support that makes it possible for me to manage this body and the things God calls me to do with it.  *super big hug*

I will continue to trust in God as I step forward into unknown and potentially very painful territory.  Thank you for following my progress.

Here is my video:

Dealing with an Aggressive Cancer

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Standing up straight, I notice pulling inside my right abdomen.  These past couple of days, I see abnormal round protrusions, likely from the cancerous masses.  My endurance is significantly less than 2 months ago.  I can feel my muscles wasting away from lack of use.  *deep sigh*  Do I increase my activity and aggravate the internal discomfort?  Or do I take it easy and let my muscles atrophy?  I don't like either option.  

Father God, please guide today's appointment with the cancer specialist.  My body continues to break down.  My tumors continue to grow.  Father, not sure where my life is going, but things aren't looking so great.  

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I have the results of my CT scan, taken yesterday, in my hands.  As expected, the tissue masses are larger.  Somehow, even as my brain processes the unchangeable facts, I feel heaviness in my chest.  Tears seep from the corner of my eyes.  Am I sad?  Scared?  I don't know anymore.  With over 50 tumors in my abdomen, surgery won't cure me.  Depending only on human medicine, I've now tried and failed 7 types of chemotherapy treatments.  My largest 4 tumors each grow about 1cm every month.  Like a ticking time bomb, my lifespan depends on how my tumors push against surrounding organs and the issues that will arise due to malfunction or organ failure.  

As I lay in bed, tears continue to roll out the corners of my eyes.  They won't stop.  My pillow is damp.  I throw my right arm across my face hoping that the pressure will slow the flow of moisture.  It's not working.  My arm is wet.  Swiping my left forearm across my face I find that now both arms are wet.  Great, this is just what I need, a self-made swimming pool. Wiping my arms across my shirt, I draw in a deep shuddering breath.  I need to stop crying. I need a distraction.

My eyes wander across the room; I see a pile of snacks on my bedside table, an accumulation of scrap papers on the floor, clothes thrown over my chair to put away sometime later.  I see the mess of my room everyday; frequently for hour after hour after endless hour on my worst days.  Meh.  My gaze falls onto my legs.  I glare at each bony protuberance.  I wince as I see skin that stretches taunt over protruding tendons, knobby joints, thighs almost the size of my calves... not quite the look I want to go for.  I see my body and cringe inside; this body is weak.  *shudder*

I hear the garage door rumble open.  Noel's home.  He left work after I emailed him and my entire family the CT scan results.

Thump.  Thump.  Thump.  Rolling my head to my right, I see the top of Noel's head as he ascends the stairs.  As his tired footsteps fall on each step, more of his body becomes visible.  Suddenly, I notice two plastic-covered items dangling from Noel's left hand.  Is that Kristy edible ice cream?  *drool*  Quickly, before Noel lifts his head to actually look at me, my hands fumble around.  Grasping a fistful of my shirt in each hand, I swipe the material across my face to erase the trail of tears.  Pasting a small smile on my face, I prepare to greet my tired and over-stressed husband.

Noel finally reaches the second floor and walks into our bedroom.  Looking up, his smile wavers at the edges.  "I stopped by Safeway to get you this ice cream."

Ahhhhhhh, my beloved Hub-chan, he loves me so much.  I can feel tears pooling against my bottom eyelid.  Blinking quickly, I pat the space next to me.  Diverting myself, I snuggle my right side against my husband and quietly focus on eating my dessert.  Silently, we gently munch at the chocolate and almond encrusted ice cream bar.

"I couldn't stay at work anymore.  After reading about your CT scan results, I couldn't focus.  As I was leaving work, a co-worker asked if I was okay and I started to cry."

Tilting my head up, I finally look at Noel's face, then his eyes; I can see the tears shimmering with reflected light.  Dang it!  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes too.  I bury my face hard against Noel's left shoulder as he holds me tight.  We cry.  A deep ache twists and throbs inside my chest.  I don't want to die and leave my husband alone; this year will be our 10th year anniversary.  How much longer will I get to live?  What kind of life am I living now?

God, my options in you are limitless.  I believe you can do anything you choose to do.  I know my medical care is beyond the ability of human medicine; that's okay because even throughout my entire course of medical care, you show that you are present.  I don't know what you have up your sleeve, but I know you have something planned for this life of mine. Don't let me waste what time I have on this earth be it 1 year, 5 years, or even 100 more years!  Father God, I thank you for bringing Noel home so that we can comfort each other. Thank you for such loving family and friends.

Lord, in your presence, I take great joy, deep comfort, and relax in the hope of your unbroken promises.  This life is not useless.  Lord, I have you in my life.  Lord, I know you personally as I interact with you every day.  Lord, I see you come through over and over and over again.  You are my rock, my redeemer, my God.  To you, oh God, I lift my voice in praise.  In the name of Jesus Christ I pray for your will to be done, amen.

Noel and I playing with the camera at Stanford while waiting for my doctor appointment:

Stuck at Stanford Hospital

Wednesday, May 27, 2015: Stanford for scheduled blood draw

Just wanted to let you all know that the docs admitted me at Stanford today because they were worried about my low red blood cell level, high fevers (103F), potential GI bleed, and even considered abdominal surgery. 

The surgeon who checked on me today was the same one who helped perform my last abdominal surgery in 2013.  He totally remembered me and even got a little emotional seeing me back in... but he was able to pass on the message that I'm physically very capable and strong so the staff gives me more leeway.  Praise Jesus for providing not-so-random meetings!

Surgeon's verdict: no huge abdominal surgery right this minute.  Why?  The bad news is because surgical removal of my masses will result in so much resection of my intestines that I'll end up with multiple poopy bags!😱 So surgery is last resort even though my masses almost doubled again since 6 weeks ago (5x5 for the largest mass).  

I'm being well protected by God in Stanford with my crazy allergies, especially my unique sensitivity to alcohol (not the alcohol itself that can evaporate, but something linked with it?).  Every lab draw and every IV line switch that requires cleaning is dangerous for me. So far not a single accident has occurred.  For me, this is a miracle in and of itself!  Nowadays, everything has alcohol: cleaning pads, hand wipes, IV line green caps (Curos caps), surface wipes, and even hidden within medications.  Each step of the way, God has and is continuing to prevent any alcohol from contacting my body.  Yay!!!

I'm here, stuck in Stanford, for 5 days now.  I now have a drain hanging out the right side of my abdomen with a little plastic bulb to create negative pressure to suction out the fluid.  It's pretty neat!  I've learned that if my abdomen hurts, I request my drain be flushed with saline (probably reduces the bacteria) and all the pain goes away without additional medications.

I'm on Zosyn, IV antibiotic, but my fevers continue.  The doctors added IV Vancomycin which resulted in my face flushing hot red and my chest getting itchy.  First dose stopped, but pharmacy thought the reaction was from pushing the medication too quickly.  Second trial of  Vancomycin given at a slower rate resulted in difficulty breathing, my entire face and chest itching, face burning and fire behind my eyes... 50mg Benedryl later as my symptoms start calming down, I'm told that the night doctor wants me to continue with Vancomycin and more Benedryl.

What?!?!

"No."  I will NOT take anymore Vancomycin.  This is ridiculous!  Out of all the antibiotics out there, there's gotta be other options that won't knock me down.  25mg Benedryl makes me cross-eyed.  Even more Benedryl and fighting allergy symptoms is not my idea of a beneficial healing process!

I know the doctors are trying to protect me.  With the Zosyn alone, my fevers got so high it resulted in rigors, severe uncontrollable shivering with me feeling super cold.  Each time, I fought to control my breathing, protect my tongue away from my teeth and minimize the convulsive spasming.  A great workout.  After 45 minutes of shaking: my muscles ache, my hands tremor with fatigue, and back hurts.  Kind of weird.  My body is only a fraction under my voluntary control, I'm trapped inside my head, but at least I can gasp out single-syllable replies.  Not my most looked for activity of the day, week, or ever again in my life!

Thank you God that the daytime doctors agreed with my decision to not continue Vancomycin!  Thank you, Lord, for  providing another antibiotic, Zyvox, that my body is easily tolerating.  Thank you for taking away the crazy sweat-dripping fevers, the severe fatigue, the pounding headaches, my uncontrollable muscle spasms, my inability to breath deeply, my mist-clouded mind, my gut-wrenching pain that would immobilize me and so much more.

Thank you God for helping the doctors find the seropurulent abscess hidden amongst my tumors.  Thank you that the medical staff cares enough not to take my allergies for granted.  Thank you that when my body spasmed out of control, you provided people nearby to help when I couldn't call out for help or hit the nursing call button.  Thank you for the favor you've given me in the sight of all the staff and doctors. Thank you for helping me be able to bless others even when I don't feel well.  Thank you for your Spirit in me that enables me to smile, be patient and love on others even when everything seems to fall apart.  Thank you for getting me through 3 days of not eating without biting someone's head off (I really hate being hungry)!

Heheheheee...God's blessing me everywhere I go so I'm spoiled by lots of nice ppl. Yay!!! Praise the Lord!

These past couple of days, I'm learning again and again to trust in God for my health, my attitude, my emotional status, my physical capabilities, my allergies.... trusting that even when things go very wrong, nothing is out of God's control.  Everything that scares me being in a hospital: minimal choices, limited option, restrictions, lack of privacy, living with a noisey roommate, the service I receive, the food I eat... I can control none of it and the lack of control freaks me out!

Please pray that my heart stays soft and receptive to MD orders instead of me being stubborn thinking "I know how this should be" or "I want this."  Pray that God will use me as a light in the hospital so much his Spirit shines undeniably by my actions, words, attitude and "the God factor!"

Love you all lots!

K

Choices: 1st round of chemotherapy

Hot air rushes past dry crackling lips.  I desperately attempt to fill my lungs with fresh air.  Sucking.  Chest expanding.  It's no use.  Nothing changes.  I lay in bed, panting, trying to get air, but can't seem to slow down my breathing enough to take a deep breath.  Heart pounding, I can feel the blood pulsing through my limbs.  I take a quick assessment of my body: hot, probably fever; twitch my fingers, maybe the smallest movement only noticeable to me; open my eyes, just enough to glimpse a sliver of light.  What happened to all my motor functions?

*click*

I hear the front door.  Yay, Noel's parents are here!  Excited, I attempt to call out a greeting.  Nothing.  Soundless, my lips barely move.  Air flows quickly, but no sound comes out.  I try again.  Failure.

What should I do?  I'm all here in my head, but my body doesn't obey my commands.  I have no sense of time.  I'm unable to move, to speak.  Interesting ideas are coming to mind about how to draw attention: throwing my seal plushie down the stairs, knocking over my water bottle... Yeah, if only I can move.

*rumble*
               *squeak*

Ah, Noel's home!  Anticipating him checking in on me, I prepare to go all out and catch his attention!  Air hisses out my throat, but no recognizable sounds.  Furiously I attempt to roll out of bed... my foot moves one inch, maybe less.  My hand, a slight vibration through the bed, but no sound.  Panting, I lay, still in the same position I've been in all day.

Helpless I lay trapped under heavy comforters.  I listen to Noel greet his parents, go back outside to clean his paintball gear, then come back inside.  *clink*  I hear metal utensils clanking on the food bowl... Noel's probably eating.

Hello... I try to call out.  But again, I can only produce the same panting breath as before.

I don't know how much time has past until I feel a slight vibration through the bed.  Is that steps on the stairs?  Noel?  I hear a person creep silently to my side, probably trying not to wake me.

Look!  I'm awake!  Look harder!

Hot air continues to flow in quick bursts between my lip.  I still don't have control.  In frustration, I feel burning tears slide down my face.

"Why are you crying?"

I try to answer, but nothing comes out.  I feel my tears flow faster.

A rough and cool finger wipes away my tears; first my right eye, then my left.  New tears flow out.  I think my pillow is starting to get wet.  This is embarrassing.

I feel my body pulled partially upright.  I'm dead weight, I can't move a single muscle to help.  A wet spoon touches my lips and pours soup into my mouth.  I attempt to swallow and choke instead.  After a couple more failed attempts with the spoon, I mouth "straw."  Straw in hand, Noel holds my head up.  I still choke three or four times, but at least the fluid is going down the right tube.

Noel cradles my head.  I'm finally able to open my eyes.  Gently, he brushes his face near mine, "Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry."  I didn't mean to.  I didn't feel good, I hurt, got really hungry and then I couldn't move at all.  I'm scared too... I've never been trapped alert in my body before.  It sucks.


Father God, I don't remember much of these past couple days, but I acknowledge everything is in your control.  Thank you for providing Noel the ability to work at home when I  first needed care.  Thank you that Noel's parents are willingly staying over these past couple of days to cook, clean, check up on me, literally feed me, carry my to and from the house to the car for my acupuncture appointment, feed the cats... So much, Lord God, am I blessed by your provision when I can do absolutely nothing on my own.

Fevers rage. Pain immobilizes me.  Strength is nonexistent.  Air, a difficult to acquire commodity.  I lay in bed; tossing in discomfort when I can, freezing in pain or sometimes writhing to find a more comfortable position.  I pant for air and claw at the bed.  My mind is glazed, time flows on.

Every day is a battle.  Do I choose to follow my doctor's advice and continue injecting the Neupogen that's supposed to protect me but also causes fevers in the 102+ range, uncontrolled by Tylenol and requires me to constantly take Benedryl to ward off my allergic reactions?  Just one more day.  Keep going.  Can I eat enough to maintain my weight without getting nauseous?  I've lost 5 pounds now,  but I make sure that I eat every 1-2 hours I'm awake.  Exercise?  Forget it.  I'm lucky that I can even use the restroom without falling over.


Lord God, even in this time, I know that you're with me because you promised to be.  In you I trust; no more and no less.  Because I acknowledge you, Father God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as sovereign Lord of my life and my household, I trust the stability of my health in your hands.  By choosing to follow doctor's orders, I am choosing to follow your lead.  As I send Noel off to serve in Bigfoot youth retreat, a huge part of me wants my husband by my side, but when it comes to serving you, may nothing... not my health nor personal wishes interfere.  So Lord, for these next 4 days and 3 nights, I entrust my husband, myself, Noel's parents all into your all-powerful hands.  May our attitudes and decisions bring you complete glory for we serve you first... beyond ourselves and even our families... to you and for you, Oh Lord, may you truly always come first.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.



Here's a pic of my first chemo infusion of Dacarbazine... it's cold!

Feeling the Pain

“Food allergies?  Well, besides dairy, gluten’s pretty bad.  Yeah, feed me some and I’ll show you what happens!”  *wide grin*  “Want me to try some?”

No one ever takes me up on the offer; honestly, I’m not serious either.  Even though I can list the side effects of ingesting a product with gluten, it’s been months since I remember actually having to personally deal with the situation.  Bad experiences fade over time…. Or rather, Kristy’s brain is like a sieve and I don’t retain a lot of information unless I’m actively using it!

While shopping for groceries, I find a yummy guava juice that I used to drink years ago.  *drool*  Nothing  in the ingredients state gluten; I can’t find anything online pointing one way or another so there’s only this huge unknown “natural flavor” ingredient.  I know that depending on what the “natural flavor” is and what it’s made from, there is a chance the ingredient contains gluten.  *shrug*  Well, so far almost all the natural flavoring products I’ve come across are safe.  I’ll be fine.  Even just a small fraction in the juice should be okay right?

Wrong.  Oh am I so wrong about taking my food allergies lightly.

Saturday evening, my whole midsection hurts, but I’ll live.  *shrug*  No big deal, I’ve dealt with this situation before, I can do it again.  Today will be achiness everywhere; tomorrow I’ll feel bruised inside; day after I should be back on my feet.  Easy.

Well... not quite so easy.

Sunday morning… okay this is beyond NOT fun.  Each breath I take sends flashes of pain ripping through my abdomen; deep inside, muscles spasm, twist and knot.  I clench my teeth, my arms and legs are tense as I hiss in response to the pain.  Panting with shallow breaths, I attempt to minimize all movement.  Wait, what if I roll to my side?  Rolling (not even an inch), I quickly stop as waves of agony wash through my mind.  This is so NOT a good idea.   Returning to rest in my original position, I move slowly, freezing as each small muscle twitch amplifies into minutes of prolonged agony. 

Great… why didn’t I remember how bad the pain is?  Was it this bad before?  I can remember every instance where I had trouble moving due to pain… this doesn’t top my worst day, but it definitely makes it into my top 10 most painful experiences list.  Grrrr… This will pass right?  By tomorrow, my insides will feel like I got punched black and blue, but I should still be able to work.  This pain, I just have to hold on for one more day… after that, I’ll get better again.  I always get better.

Finally, the long-awaited Monday comes.  YAY!!!  Knowing that my pain should be gone, I twist my body in an attempt to snuggle deeper into the comforters.  Instead, I barely move and my eyes pop open as fresh waves of pain assail me.  What’s going on?  I didn’t have abdominal surgery again did I?  No, this is much worse.  After each abdominal surgery, even without pain meds, I could still move.  Right now, I hurt so much that I’m afraid to move anything.  I can feel my insides shifting with gravity.  The dull ache’s expected, but I’m surprised at how the smallest movements still send shards of hot knives through my abdomen… mostly just on my right side.  Ahhhh… got it… right side is where my largest tumors are.  Meh.

Frozen in a partial roll, I debate my options.  Well, today _is_ better than yesterday right?  Nothing inside is torn, probably just inflamed.  I’ve got to get up some day anyways.  Jamming my arms into the bed, I vault my body upright.  Gasping for air, my mouth opens but my body refuses to take a breath in!  Frozen, my head spins, my body feels both weak and yet trembles with tension.  Stop… this hurts too much!

Focus 

                             Slow breaths

                Concentrate

Pain is only a sensation.  There is no injury.  I have no wound.

I need to stand up.  My back refuses to straighten.  I hurt.  Shuffling forward, each step drives nails into my abdomen.  There’s no way I can make it to work today; I can’t even walk properly much less attempt to treat patients!

Tilting my head up, I look at myself in the mirror.  Oh, this looks good… my back is curved into a half cirlce, my shoulders are up by my ears, I can’t straighten my knees.  Oh yeah… this posture will inspire so much confidence towards me as a therapist.  Okay… today’s a no go for work… back to bed.  Slowly, slowly… move, pause, breathe, relax.  Repeat.  I can do this.  I can get back into bed… then I can relax.  For now, just ignore the pain.  Pain’s still there.  Ignore it.  Pain alone can’t kill me.  Keep moving.  I got this far away from the bed, I can make it back.  I will make it back!

Father God, as always, you provide in amazing ways.  Usually, my CT scan is scheduled first thing in the morning, but this time you set my appointment in the afternoon.  I tried calling radiology a couple of times to move the appointment earlier but could never get through.  Every time I even thought about changing my CT scan appointment time, you stopped me.  End result?  Your timing is perfect.  Your plan is flawless.  I couldn’t get to my CT appointment any earlier than my scheduled afternoon slot.

*wide grin*  You’d think I’d learn my lesson already!  When you provide Lord, there’s a reason; even if I don’t know what your reasons are, everything always turns out better than just right!

Lord Jesus, give me the wisdom to take care of this body even as I push it to the limits.  Thank you for taking most of the pain away.  Thank you that I could go back to work on Tuesday, have Wednesday to rest, work on Thursday, have Friday to rest… and then sucessfully work on Saturday with the help of a co-worker who decided to freely volunteer her time, totally unpaid, to help me get through the day.  As usual, God, your provisions, your timing… everything is better than perfect when I lay my schedule, my activities, my life at your feet.

Thank you, Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit… for loving me so much that my life is better than anything I dreamed of as a child.  Thank you for the challenges to grow me.  Thank you for the difficulties that allow me to see you in action.  Thank you for the love you shower on me.  Thank you for times of action and times of rest.

May I continue to seek you, Lord God and you alone.  For in your presence, I am complete, I am whole, I am satisfied. 

I lift my hands in praise to my amazing God who allows me to dwell in his presence, who gives me better than the best, who fulfills every need and heals every hurt.  In Jesus’ name I lift my voice in praise, amen.

This is me crawling out of my new mild hyperbaric oxygen chamber gifted by my parents, my brother, Winston, my sister, Jessica, and her husband, Andrew.  Thank you guys for the awesome gift!!!

Waiting on God's Timing

"I don't know what to do anymore!  It's been so long since I've had a job!"

Watching my husband sit in front his computer, fiddling with his portfolio... I remain silent.  What is there to say?  By my words alone, I cannot provide Noel with a paying job.  Phrases such as "It'll be okay" or " God will provide when the time is right" sound unconvincing trite.  In the face of Noel's despair, saying "Thank you for staying at home and taking care of me" feels so lacking.  Even a hug doesn't cut it.

Laying in bed, I observe Noel struggle.  There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.  There's no words of wisdom that can fix the issue of no work and dwindling funds.  There's no action I can physically take to solve Noel's joblessness.  There is nothing I can personally do for Noel that will pierce his despair, his frustration, his self-loathing, his impatience.  Rarely do I see Noel cave under the heavy burdens placed upon him by my health, our household, ministry and job issues. 

Silently, I watch over my beloved husband.  My heart breaks.  I feel powerless.

Lord Father, creator of Heaven and Earth, you who are merciful, compassionate, wise and all-powerful... Please help my husband.  Lift the burdens he is stumbling under.  Heal his heart against the standards of what this world says a husband should be or do.  Give to Noel your wisdom to see his life and his current situation as you see it.  Bless Noel with the strength to walk forward with full integrity.  Keep his eyes fixed not on his worth with a job but his true worth as your beloved child.  Give Noel the courage to stand fast against the storms of this life.  Bless him with your everlasting hope through Jesus Christ.  Give him a soul at peace.

Father God, by myself, I am powerless and helpless; however, with you, O Lord, everything and anything is possible.  The options are endless, your timing always perfect.  To you, Lord God, I give the struggles, the hate, the anger, the despair, the hurt... Into your hands, I place both my and my husband's future: our health, our job, our cars, our time, our hope, our everything.

Give us peace.  Give us hope.  Give us courage.  Give us strength.

I want to see you, Lord.  I want to dwell in your presence.  I want to rest in your arms.  I want to live the path and the life you intend for me.  I want you to save and protect Noel... Be it job or jobless, show my husband your calling for him.  Show him his worth in Jesus Christ.  Heal his hurt and his pain.  Give him hope and joy that can only come in you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Noel:

These last few weeks I was lost and somewhat depressed:  the job search wasn't going anywhere, I didn't have a solid indication as to where God wants to place me, and I was frustrated with where I currently am in life.  On Friday after a rescheduled lunch, I reached out to a friend to see if he wanted to meet up for lunch.  Unfortunately, he couldn't because he had to prepare some material for a presentation.  So I then asked what time meeting was and if I could pray for him and his meeting.  I felt that God was revealing His plan for me in little pieces throughout that day.  God played meaningful music while I was driving that reminded me 'He has a plan for me' and for me to 'be patient and trust in Him'.  Even at our quarterly leadership meeting at church on Saturday, the message was a great reminder to "ask God for the impossible, because anything less is an insult to Him". 

Thank you, Lord God, for the renewed sense of hope, joy and peace in Noel.  Thank you for renewing his purpose, refreshing his strength, lifting his spirit.  To you, O Lord, be all the glory.  May my life and Noel's life shine ever greater with your Spirit as you hone us in your light.

In Jesus' name, I give my life and my husband's life, into your loving hands.  Amen.

Noel and I at Footprints! youthgroup Senior Sendoff 2014:

 

Bad Day at its Worst

Kinda tired, but not bad; this is normal. Today, I arrive a bit late to church, missed morning worship, but in time for announcements and the main service.  Good.  I need to meet with Melissa for high school Sunday school planning. 

Sitting in the second to front row, I lean forward to get my Bible out of my backpack.  Leaning back in my seat, my back starts hurting.  Uncomfortable, I attempt slouching in my seat.  That doesn't feel too good.  I try sitting straight, no good either.  Within a minute's time, my pain worsens; it's no longer focused on my back... my whole right side hurts.  My muscles start spasming.  I get nauseous.  There's no way I can stay for Sunday service like this.  I want to go home. 

Greeting a couple people around me, I tell Melissa I can't make the meeting today.  Grabbing my stuff, I blindly stumble my way out the sanctuary.   Focusing directly ahead, I shuffle my way towards my car.  Why did I being my laptop today?  It's so heavy!

On my way out, I think I greet a couple people... I can't remember anymore.  I need to throw up.  I can't throw up.  I won't let myself make a scene!  Can I drive home like this?  I really want to be at home. 

Gingerly, I sit myself in my car.  Panting from the pain, I lean back to assess myself.  Every movement hurts; however, the main question is if I can focus enough to safely drive home.  Yes, I can drive.  I may not be able to make it all the way home without throwing up, but I can always pull over and decide what to do then.  Pain, that I can deal with; me and physical discomforts go way back.

Leaving the church parking lot, every bump in the road, every move to work the clutch, brake, gas... Even shifting the gears hurts.  Grasping tightly at the steering wheel, my fingers turn white.  My shoulders are rigid with tension.  Sweat beads my brow.  Focus.  Look at the cars in front.  Assess the movements of the cars behind and to my side.  Ignore my body. 

Separating my mind from my body's sensation, I continuously scan my surroundings.  I'm still lucid.  I'm still focused.  I'm not wavering.  Home.  Home.  Home.  All I can think about is getting home and crawling in misery into bed. 

Exit after exit pass by.  I've still got 25 more minutes before reaching home.  20 minutes.  18 minutes.  The crossover from 880 to 680 brings me to a halt.  Traffic.  The stop and go jars my body.  Waves of pain hammer at me.  Focus.  I'm still driving.  See the cars, the people, the environment around me.  I wanna throw up.  In my backpack, I have a container I had planned on returning.  Reaching to my right, I attempt to grab my backpack.  Bad idea.  Nausea overtakes my senses.  For a second, my sight wavers.  Focus.  Reset myself.  Forget the container.  If I throw up, I'll clean it later. 

Almost home.  I'm getting tired; tired of fighting, tired of ignoring sensations pounding against my consciousness.  3 more traffic lights to go and I'll be home.  Green.  Yellow.  Red.  I stop.  Bile runs up my throat, I force the acidic mass back down.  Another light, another stop.  Last light, usually green, turns red.  I stop again.  I'm miserable.  My hands are starting to shake.

Finally home, I drag myself out of the car.  Tossing my laptop and backpack in a pile, I shuffle, back hunched, to let the cats out of their room.  Gently, I crawl under the covers.  Shuddering in distress, I writhe in bed, attempting to find a more comfortable position.  There is none.  Running to the restroom, I throw up once, twice, three times.  Gross, I think I got stuff up into my nose.

At home for the past hour-and-a-half, nothing is working.  No matter what I do, how I move, what I take, the pain continues to climb.  I don't think I've ever experienced physical pain to this extent.  Fighting nonstop, no relief.  Is this even a muscle spasm anymore?  It's not stopping.  Pain, that I deal with on a daily basis... but this level of constant and increasing agony is on a whole different level.

I stare at my phone.  Should I call 911?  I'm used to getting muscle spasm, but I'd also get rest periods in between.  Now?  Unending torture with no glimmer of reprieve in sight.  Something inside my abdomen twists even tighter.  I can't process or plan anymore.  It's embarrassing, but I can't drive myself to the hospital.  An ambulance can provide intravenous pain medicine faster than waiting in the emergency lobby.  Hesitating, I unlock my phone.  Sweat beads my upper lip and my brow.  In fact, my whole body is damp.  My muscles shake with fatigue.  Why can't I just pass out?

In a daze, huddled and shaking, I actually dial 911.  In spurts, I tell the operator my address.  The ambulance is coming.  Holding the walls, I grab a sweatshirt... By the time i get out, it'll probably be cold.  Cats?  Andy will help take care of them.  Funny, even in this pain-induced fog, I can still think enough to plan for the basics. 

Phone grasped tightly in one hand, house keys in another, I unlock the front door.  Listlessly, I fold myself into a ball on the bottom steps and wait.  I think the fire department arrives first, 3 men.  My eyes are closed, fist knotted tight.  Once the ambulance comes, I feel hands supporting my arms as I stumble to the gurney. 

Bump after bump, I clench my fist and clamp my jaw against the pain.  No relief.  I keep getting asked questions but I'm starting to not understand if my answers are correct.  My mental processing is down.  Almost there. Just as we arrive, I finally get 2mg of morphine.  Lightheaded, I feel the pain recede.  I allow my muscles to relax, taking my first deep breath in hours.  My head lists to the side as I lay drowsy from the meds.  Finally, I can relax.  Narcotics are amazing.

Dosing in a room, I wait for the rest of my pain to go away.  Refusing more meds (I want full control of my own body), I wait another 4 hours before all remenants of discomfort disappear.  In and out of consciousness, I drift between blank emptiness and hearing screams of pain from someone nearby.  The sounds of a person vomiting make my own stomach churn.  Blinking slowly, I idly watch the seconds roll by; and again, my eyes close as my mind wanders. 

Now, I'm only sore when the doctors poke my abdomen.

Six plus hours pass before my brain finally starts to clear.  Testing myself, I poke and prod my abdomen.  Tender, but not painful.  Good.  Standing up, I quickly lay back down.  The movement made me dizzy with bile rising up my throat.  Wrapping myself back in my covers, I huddle until the symptoms go away.  Now, I wait to get the CT scan.  After that?  My best guess is that I'll get to go home.  I still have to work tomorrow morning... I volunteered... Gotta keep my word.

Father God, thank you that my CT scan is negative for any visible issues.  Thank you for providing friends to take care of the cats, wash my dishes and even picking me up late at night.  Thank you that the pain is gone.  I feel alive again and ready to work!

Help me sleep well tonight and wake up early for work.  Give me the energy and strength to serve.  Bless me with wisdom in how I talk and what I do.  Provide for my schedule so that I don't overwork this annoyingly weak body.  Steady my body so that I don't cramp up so badly again...going to the hospital really sucks!  Give me joy, peace, comfort and hope in your spirit.  Be the light of my life.

By the name of Jesus Christ I pray, amen. 

Monday, May 25, 2014

Yay!!!  Half day of work completed sucessfully with only my usual fatigue and discomforts.  Hurray!!!  God is amazing! 

Thank you, Lord, for giving me your spirit so that difficulties don't pin me down.  Thank you for allowing me to continue living and actively serving!

May the power and blessings of Christ be with you!  Thank you for always supporting me and walking with me as I go through my ups and downs.  I'm only where you see me now because I have all your support and the love of Christ... I know that I am never alone.

Let's keep fighting together!  =D

Daniel's graduation!

After the Storm

Huddling tight on my side, I grasp my pillow hard.  Fingers dig into soft flesh; nails turn white.  Curled around a warm water bottle, blankets pushing me down, I gently rock back and forth.  Muscles rigid, trembling with tension.  Panting, gasping, short puffs of air pass in and out of my mouth.  I feel nauseous.  Waves of pain wash over me.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  God, help!  I can barely think; no coherent words come to mind... Help, God, please help me.

Barely sane, I want to cry, but no tears come forth.  I want to scream, but I don't want to wake Noel.  Biting my lips, I quietly twist and turn...  Something, anything, in an attempt to feel better...  To make time flow by faster.  Ride the waves,  go above my body's sensations.  Slowly, I pry my fingers away from my body.  Kristy, take a deep breath.  Fresh air.  Clean air.  Relax.  I command myself to soften tesnse muscles.  Calm.  I feel so cold.  The pain is gone.  Rest.  Prepare.  I anticipate a wave a pain in 8-10 minutes, 15 at the most... this seems to be the current pattern.

The knowledge of impending pain looms above my head.  My muscles still shake from fatigue.  I'm approaching my 5th hour of this silent battle... This cycle of pain and relief feels like a never-ending circle of torture.

I knew the risks.  I know the consequences.  I thought I was stronger, steadier.  I felt healthier.  I forgot the pain.  I forgot the physical battles.  I forgot the mental struggles.  I was normal again.  Well, I thought I was normal for this past week, but tonight is really hitting me hard, harder than usual.

*deep sigh*

What risk?  Exercise. 

Yesterday, I performed some light exercises.  15 minutes of aerobic side-steps, pumping my arms and swaying my hips.  After that short 15 minutes, my muscles felt fine, a little floppy, but not super fatigued.  My overall energy depleted, but I thought only for that one night.  Wrong again.  I forgot that refilling my energy reserves takes a long time... that my body is very inefficient.  Recovery takes a long time and I tend to expend my energy without calculating my reserves.

Have you ever exerted yourself so much that your muscles tremor and shake?  The resulting movements during that phase of fatigue are jerky and uncoordinated.  Well, that's me right now. 

I've learned through trial and error that all physical functions take energy.  Eating, digesting, breathing, sitting, standing... these daily acitivities do not even include running, lifting, cleaning or the thousand-and-one things I used to execute without consideration.  Now?  When I get too tired, my muscles spasm.  I have conscious control over my limbs, the muscles I use when I breath, how I position myself to maximize my energy recovery... but I cannot control the thumping of my heart, the automatic digestion after I eat... these organs require energy as well.

That jerky, uncoordinated muscle activity is occuring inside as my body attemtps to digest food: muscles clash and twist, over-contract, absorption becomes inefficent... my recovery of energy slows down even more.  I unintentionally create a  vicious cycle of energy depletion and pain with out-of-control internal muscle contractions.

Only ever when I'm physically tired do I hurt so much.  Sad huh?  Who ever would've thought that my physical limitations are so strict?  What kind of physical therapist can I be if I fatigue so quickly that 15 minutes of moderate activity takes 2 days to recover?  Then add in the recovery time for the pain and lack of sleep... 3 days?  Too long.

Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit... What am I supposed to do?  I plan to start work next Tuesday, but I feel so broken.  If it's just fatigue, no problem, I can easily push through.  However, this combination of fatigue and the follow-up hours of pain... Not so fun.  I don't have a clear scale to balance my energy in and outs.  I hate this physical sensation of pain and helplessness.

God, give me strength, wisdom and courage to keep trying.  I don't want to stay weak.  I don't want to avoid activities just because it may result in pain.  Father, I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm so tired.  Give me rest, comfort, warmth, peace.  It's now 6am in the morning... Can you please help me sleep?  No more pain please.  I don't want to struggle anymore.  Let me get away from this body... Just for a little bit, okay?

******************

Thank you, Lord for giving me 2 hours of sleep before having to pop out of bed.  Thank you for the warm rest, relaxed muscles and significant decrease in pain.  This discomfort that woke me up, it's normal, this is nothing I can't handle.  But Lord, thank you for being beside me and getting me through earlier!  I'm so happy the worst is over and my body can continue to settle back towards whatever normal I have.  Thank you for blessing me with this body that can stabilize!  I complain that I can't do much, but that's not true.  Lord, you really enable me to do a lot!  I can stand (if I don't exercise) without having my legs fold from under me.  I can sit 8 hours in a chair without drooping.  I can see muscle outlines again.  Overall, I feel more energetic than I have in a long long time.

Thank you, Lord Jesus for giving me a body that can still heal, that can still function, that I can enjoy life with.  Thank you for a clear CT scan and no more chemotherapy (for now).  Thank you for giving me a wonderfully supportive husband, loving family and true friends.  I give praise to my Father God in Heaven for so many blessings: for joy that isn't based on circumstance, for hope in the future through the loving sacrifice of my Lord Jesus Christ, for getting me through one storm at a time.

May you be blessed with peace of spirit and a joy-filled life. 

I can't wait to get back to work next week!!!  See you next week!  =D

Karen asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.  I'm honored!

Two Sides of a Coin

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Breath in.  Breathe out.  In.  Out.

I'm still awake. 

Laying in bed, I shudder as a chill runs through my body.  No, I don't have a fever, nor do I have I cold. I just don't feel well.  I feel like a broken record.  I'm tired.  I'm also tired of being tired.

Layer on layer of blankets push down on me.  My arms appreciate the warmth as I snuggle close to Noel.  My feet, not so happy.  The pressure of these blankets, while welcome, seem to bother my feet.  So uncomfortable.  Irritably, I shift my feet, pointing them outwards. The blankets still push on my toes.  This sucks.  Rolling to my left, I snuggle my back against Noel's warmth. 

Cuddling my hot water bottle, I consider my options.  One, I can try to sleep... I really want to sleep.  Did I mention that I'm tired?  Or two, stay awake because I'm going to need to run to the toilet, again.  That'll be the fifth time or maybe sixth time in this hour?  Life can really suck.  Maybe I should take more meds?  Well, if I could know the future, I would've taken meds an hour ago. 

So, why not take the meds now?  *sigh*  Should I brave the cold?  Is it worth it?  Probably... But it'll be cold outside these blessed blankets!  As is, I may have another hour of facing the cold anyways... May as well add another trip. 

Grumbling in my head, I slide my feet out.  Yikes!  The air really is chilly.  I wanna stay in bed!  Half-in and half-out of bed...I'm enjoying the warmth under partial blankets but also feeling the cold in the room.... that part's not so pleasant.  Ah, Kristy, move it!  Flipping the blankets off, I slide out of bed onto my feet.  Legs trembling, I shuffle through the dark, around the bed, to the bathroom.  Closing the door behind me, I flick on the lights.  This way, I won't wake Noel.  At least, I hope I won't.  He's gotta work tomorrow.

Fingers now chilled by the air, I grab my medicine by the sink.  Standing here, my legs tremble.  I wish I could say I'm shivering from the cold.  Yeah, it's chilly, but my legs are just weak.  Today is one if those not-so-good days where everything I do feels like an instant energy drain.  Sinking to my bottom, I sit on the bathroom floor.  Medicine bottle in hand, I stare at the bright orange plastic.  Come on, all I've gotta so is twist the white cap.  *deep sigh*  Did I mention I hate taking meds?

Twisting the white cap, I pop open the lid and pour out little white pills into my palm.  Taking one, I place the rest back into the bottle.  With a click, I twist the cap closed.  Attempting to break the pill in half... well, tonight, that's not working.  My fingers are still strong (I think) but they feel bruised from the neuropathy... kind of hard to use.  Staring at the tiny white pill, I bring it to my mouth and bite.  Half the pill crumbles into my mouth.  Carefully, I twist my upper body until I can grab the counter.  Hands reaching up, I grab ledge.  Pull.  With determination, I heave myself back onto my feet. Placing the pill bottle at the edge of the sink, I gently place the left-over white half-pill on the lid. That will be for later. 

Tired, I lean my elbows on the counter.  Swiveling my left arm, I grab my cup.  Shifting my body left, I shift most my weight onto my left elbow to support myself.  My legs ache.  Silly huh?  Just a little standing and I feel like I'm near my limit. 

Filling my cup with water, I down my medicine.  Hands now frozen by the cold water, I contemplate the walk back to bed.  Should I just stay here in the restroom?  Sure it's cold, but if I need to use the toilet again, I'm so much closer.  Ahhhh, why am I being lazy?  Everything I do, every extra step, is exercise!  I'm weak enough... moving is good for me.

Shuffling forward, I turn off the light.  Opening the door, I inch my way around the base of the bed.  Sitting gently, I carefully swing my legs up and quickly burrow into the comforters.  Ahhhhh, so warm.  Wriggling my feet, I wrap my toes around the warm water bottle Noel placed in the bed just for me.  Lifesaver!  

The soothing warmth calms me.  Slowly, I let my muscles relax.  Sinking into the bed, maybe now I can finally rest?

 

Lord God, I seem to be getting weaker... not stronger.  I know the doctors tell me that I'm doing really well... I'm glad to hear that, but living like this is tough.  Thank you, Father God, for the loving company of friend, for the distraction of starting a jewelry shop on Etsy and for the ability to surf on Pinterest.  Lord, I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to this body.  I know you bless me so that while I hang out with family and friends, my body (for the most part) is on its best behavior.  Thank you so much for that blessing!  Thank you, Lord Father, for taking care of me... for making socializing still possible... for giving me the strength to sit when standing takes too much out of me.

God, being 20 pound lighter than 6 months ago scares me.  It's not like I was chubby before... but now, I just look anorexic.  *shudder*  Father, after chemo is done, can you please help me regain my muscle mass?  Not for looks, but so that I can participate in my hobbies without restrictions.  I want to run while playing paintball, carrying full pods of paint and wearing all my gear.  I want to rock climb, the longer climbs twice without stopping.  I want to walk without my hips getting tired.  I want to stand without fear of collapsing.  When I finally return to work, I want to serve my patients without running to the toilet.

Father, there are days when I have the energy to cook.  Then there are days when I feel like crawling.  One body, but every day changes... I never know what to expect.

 

God, when I'm feeling down, help me to see you... in my life, as my support... remind me that you are the source of my strength.  Father, when this set of chemotherapy is done... can you please heal me?  Fully?  That'd be super nice.  But whatever your plans are, Father, may my attitude, my actions, my heart shine with your Spirit.  May you, O Lord, be ever honored and glorified.  

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Thanks Stephen for the newest video at http://youtu.be/_agZq6Iwc5g

Nina and I learn to cook pad see ew and Korean tacos!  Yummy!  Thanks Nina!

 

 

Karen and I working on earrings.  See how much of a mess I make?

Earrings finished!!!  We're wearing them.  =D

Earrings I made for my sister: sterling silver, pink cats-eye and Swarovski crystal

Red Fire & Ice Earrings... thinking if I should change it.  Red ruby gemstone and Swarovski crystal on sterling silver.

Therapy Making GF Vegan Wonton Wrappers

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Finger tips burning.  Palms tingle.  Everything kinda feels numb.  How far does my neuropathy go?  Up my wrist?  Forearm?  So hard to distinguish what's "normal" anymore.  All I know is that my sense of touch is skewed. Most objects I touch have a sort of soft feel.  My cats, even the one with rougher fur... her fur feels like the softest and fluffiest pelt in the world.

My feet also ache... well, ache isn't quite the right description.   Bruised?  The blankets press my feet into the mattress.  Rolling my feet first right, then left, right again.   Arghhhh.  No matter how I shift my feet, I cant escape the sensation of discomfort.  I give up.  I throw the blankets off.  Cold air hits bare feet.  Whatevers.  I'm going to ignore all the weird signals from my hands and feet!

Tossing my legs over the side of my bed, I slide into standing.  Youch!  What in the world?!?  Do I have blisters or something on the bottom of my feet? Did I somehow burn my feet using the hot water bottle while keeping warm? Bending forward, I grab my ankle.  Flexing my knee, I flip my left foot up to check bottom sole of my foot.  Nothing there.  No redness.  No blisters.  What's going on?  Right foot?  Left foot?  Nothing there but normal pale pink skin and dry crackly-looking heels.  There's nothing on my feet!

Tentatively, I place both feet on the ground.  Stubbornly, I press my feet even harder into the ground.  I am not going to label this feeling as "pain."  Mentally, the labeling of "pain" may limit my actions.  Ummmm... Ignore, ignore.  The more pressure I place on both feet, the stronger this unpleasant "sensation" is. 

I'll never get anything done today if I dwell on the dysfunctions of my body. Ignore.  Absolutely _nothing_ is different from usual.  Get up.  Move!

Reaching out, I grab a pair of fluffy brown socks.  Keeping my feet warm may intensify the annoying signals running through damaged nerve endings... But the more circulation I can maintain, the higher the probability of my body healing.  I'll do anything to maximize recovery to my nerves!  Short-term discomfort, no matter how annoying, is worth the effort!  Plus... additional benefit: desensitization.  Try poking at the same spot, the body stops taking note of the repetitive sensations.  I'll just have to trust that in my case, avoiding discomfort is not to my benefit!

Keep warm.  Keep moving. Stay hydrated to flush out chemicals in my body. Wear soft slippers to distribute pressure and minimize discomfort.  What else?  Ummmmm, massage to increase circulation.  Done!  I'll do this all day, everyday... well, I'm not very disciplined.  *wry grin*  I will do my best to perform the above actions everyday. 

Just in case, I'll write an e-mail to my oncologist: "Besides medication, are there any other ways to manage the new onset of burning and tingling in my hands and feet?"

"I can write you a prescription for Neurontin.  It'll take 2 weeks to become effective."

Ummmmm...  *deep sigh*  I really don't want more medications.  I _hate_ taking meds.  If I mask the current discomforting nerve signals to my brain, how will I know if my nervous system is getting more damaged or is improving?  I'd rather use these annoying physical cues to my advantage... to remind me to take optimal care of my body.  No pain no gain right?  *wink*

Father God, thank you for giving me a high pain tolerance!  Each step I take, literally take, I am reminded of your goodness. I have hands. I have feet. Even though my body doesn't function quite like I want, what I do have still works... well, my body works well enough.  Gotta take and keep every bit I can right?

Lord, thank you for my mind.  Thank you that part of me thrives on challenges. Thank you for my therapist background that allows me to constantly analyze my situation, my actions, my reactions. Thank you for giving me the stubborn determination to continue pushing ever forward.

Father, today, Aleesha, will come over.  Help me to by-pass the pain and the fatigue so that I can enjoy my time with her.  Our plan is to make wontons, even the wrapper.  Father God, help us make these wrappers thin so the wontons won't be tough or doughy or thick.  Everywhere I look online, I either see gluten-free wonton wrapper recipes with an egg to bind the mix together or vegan wonton wrapper recipes using normal flour so the gluten performs the binding. Today, Father God, help us successfully create a gluten-free and vegan wonton wrapper that is super thin and tasty!  Give me wisdom, patience and the correct touch to make these wontons!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Okay!  Let's start!

Ummmmm... Binders to replace the gluten are products like applesauce -too runny... Oil - how in the world is that supposed to hold the dough mixture together?... Flaxseed meal in water -cold water in most recipes makes this mixture slowly congeal, but sometimes, the mixture is too wet.  Then how about flaxseed meal in hot water?  Maybe this mix will be more solid?  Wow... flaxseed meal in hot water congeals fast!  Kinda looks gross though.  *shrug*

Hmmmm... If time is needed for the flaxseed-in-water mixture to congeal... Does that mean everytime I break these bonds with mixing, I'll have to let time pass so the sticky bonds can reconnect?  Theoretically sounds right I think... So long as the binding or thickening reaction is not a one-time deal. *fingers crossed*  This better work!  I refuse to give in and use an egg.  Absolutely refuse!

Next, I bought some gluten-free all-purpose flour online from www.Julesglutenfree.com.  I want to try the commercially sold premixed flours first.  My goal is to get an idea of the potential of gluten-free "flour" mixes before attempting the thousand-and-one options available on the internet to mix my own.  The benefits of this flour by Jules?  It contains all the flours and starches I can easily get near my home while including xanthum gum, a binder which also allows mixing of different materials like oil and water.

Cool... Let's mix the wrapper dough first, then let the dough mixture sit and bind while we flavor the meat filling!

Oh Lord, thank you that I was able to by-pass the constant pain and have fun! Aleesha and I successfully made gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers!  With that single mixture, we made: chicken wontons, chicken potstickers, green onion pancakes and cranberry pancakes!  Yay!!! One type of dough for all 4 products.  How cool is that?!?

Thank you, thank you, Lord, that you provided the knowledge to handle this dough mixture.  As the dough started to dry out (even covered by plastic wrap), the drying starch started squeaking while we rolled it!  The dry dough, which looked fine, actually squeaks!  Wow... thank you for the noisy signal to mix more water into the dough and the wisdom to let it re-rest and bind.  Thank you, Lord God, for a very usable, multi-purpose, dough mixture!

Father God, thank you that I am still able to have so much fun in the midst of constantly changing physical dysfunctions. Thank you for always giving me fun things to look forward to and people to spend time with.  Thank you, Lord God, for giving me hope.  For giving me yummy food to eat.  For giving me time to rest.

Father, each week, I feel more and more tired.  Sitting isn't so bad, but standing... Lord, I feel drained so quickly.  As each day passes, am I getting weaker because of the chemotherapy still in my system?  Or am I getting weak from laying around and "resting" so frequently?  It's funny... I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time.  Father, my muscle mass is building up, but the duration I can use my muscles is getting exponentially shorter... It's like my energy capacity is shrinking... Almost as if the more muscles I have, the quicker I burn through my limited energy resources.

Lord God, please give me patience with myself.  Help me to not get frustrated with my limited mobility.  Help me to not get depressed as my fingers go numb and my thoughts become unclear.  Lord, give me strength of heart and courage to keep picking out the positive aspects of my life. Help me to live my fullest with smiles, laughter, joy and peace that comes only by following you and seeing you in action.

May all the glory and praise go to you, Lord.  Thank you for always providing abundant blessings.  Thank you for all the wonderful support I have in my life. In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.

Aleesha slaving away at making wontons!  =D

Gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers... look how thin we got them!  =O

Look at what Aleesha and I made!  Hurray!

Dinner: chicken wontons in vegetable broth, potstickers and pineapple chicken fried rice. *drool* (we already finished eating all the green onion and cranberry pancakes!)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! 

May you and your family be blessed with good memories, intentional conversations, laughter and abundant smiles this year and next.  Thanks for reading!  *hugs* --Kristy

Getting Through the Pain

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Pain... jagged and sharp.  Spiking and rolling, my stomach muscles spasm as I attempt to curl into a ball.  Touching my abdomen, my stomach cramps up so tight I want to scream.  Slowly, I can feel my internal organs shift with gravity as I attempt to roll onto my back.  Spikes of red flash behind my eyes.  I can't think.  I can't move.  Frozen.  Fearful of moving my body, I allow myself to mentally squirm, trying to find some relief.  Wave after unending wave of pain... when will this stop?

Panting with short shallow breaths, I consider calling an ambulance.  Besides me, Noel is coughing in his sleep, each cough shakes the bed and sends sharp spiking waves of pain through my body.  Deep breaths... come on, Kristy... I know better than to take shallow breaths while in pain!  In through my nose, breathe out through pursed lips... the increase in movement causes more internal muscle spasms.  With each breath, my mind gains clarity... even as I cringe in pain, I am able to imagine that with each breath, I soar like a bird above the earth, above the clouds, out of my body.  Control.  Don't move, just breathe.

I can no longer remember how long I remained in my immobile state, definitely long enough for my side to get sore.  As jagged spikes of pain ripple through my abdomen, I tell myself to move!  Nothing happens.  Finally, I convince my body to roll an inch towards by back.  Sharp waves of pain pierce through me.  Again I freeze.  Breathe... I'm going to throw up.  Nice how not wanting to throw up in bed motivates me to ignore any pain and MOVE.  *smirk*

Rinsing my mouth, I take a sip of the cold refreshing liquid.  Bad idea.  My stomach spasms so hard I fold over.  I can't see.  I can't think.

Again, breathe.

Lost in my sightless world of anguish, I wait for my body to warm up the cold water and calm down the internal spasms.  Great, my body's not settling. 

Rolling waves of pain... I can't massage it out, I tried.  I can't stretch out my stomach muscles to counter the spasms, I tried that too.  There's no way to stop the spasming!  I even tried warm water but my body immediately rebels.  If I can't take in water, I don't dare take any pain meds for fear of increasing my pain.  My body is constantly working to expel no-longer existing food particles.  I need to stop this cycle of spasming, pain, and reaction to both internal and external movement.

Fine.  What's really small and requires minimal water?  My super tiny anti-nausea medicine!  I crawl to the cabinet and grab my little quarter piece... will this be enough?  Half and hour later, I vomit out bile and probably the medicine.  Dare I try another piece?  This is where the hospital comes in handy... if I were there, I can receive IV medications that will instantly remove the pain and give me rest... I just need something to break this cycle.  Movement, pressure, warm water, immobility, throwing up... nothing works!  I have liquid capsules of Advil, but I don't dare drink enough water to take it and the taste of the fluid inside a popped capsule will likely make me regurgitate the medicine fairly quickly.  Useless... about 12 hours of constant, unending pain.  I don't want to go to the hospital so I'll try taking one full small pill of my anti-nausea medicine.  I think I can manage the resulting pain.  Anything to stop this endless misery.  If my body stops wanting to throw up, I believe that the spasms will stop.

Lord Father, thank you for getting me through these past 12 hours.  Crying out to you while I'm in pain, you give me the ability to think even in my mindlessness.  You made me breathe.  You gave me the ability to rise above my pain.  You reminded me that I have medicine I _can_ take.  Poor Noel even moved to sleep on the couch so his coughing wouldn't spike my pain.

Thank you, Lord, for placing my body at rest now... my whole abdomen is tender, but the internal muscles are no longer cramping every couple of seconds.  Thank you, Lord, that in my whole life, I have never felt this severity and duration of pain and nausea.  Can I never experience this again please?  *hopeful look*  Feeling like my body was tearing itself up from the inside... one time is more than enough isn't it?  Thank you for giving me an idea of what pain my body can tolerate and a glimpse of what others may have to go through for a lifetime... but my pain, you took away.  Thank you that Noel stayed home to take care of me... if he didn't, I wasn't sure if I could get up to move or drink.  Even walking, each step gingerly taken, my abdomen still cramps in complaint.

Father, I'm tired.  Give me rest so that I can serve you, fully re-energized, once again.  Our young adult fellowship has a free car wash event this Saturday... can you heal me so I can participate?

Thank you, Lord, that even though I work at a hospital... this time, you kept me out of it.  *wide grin*

In Jesus' name I thank you, Father God, amen.


Saturday, June 1, 2013

Father God, thank you for answering my prayers!!!  Even though I woke up super tired and a little achy, you still settled my body enough for me to come to church. 

As I started serving, you took away all remnants of fatigue and achiness.  I didn't need to walk gingerly.  In fact, you healed me so that I could run, jump off the back of a truck, squat low to wash the bottom bumper of cars and stretch up to wash up high.  YAY!!!

Lord, thank you that I can see you at work so clearly when you call and I follow!  Thank you for taking away all after-effects of Thursdays cramping.  This week was supposed to be my week of rest from chemo.  I didn't expect any symptom, especially since I haven't taken any anti-nausea meds these past couple weeks.  I'm scared to restart the chemo... but Lord, whatever you want out of my life, you'll provide the strength and wisdom for me to make it through.  So, thank you for the reminder to not stop praying.  I got complacent this week and unimaginable pain resulted.  So yup... you bet I'll refocus on praying!  *wide grin*

Thank you, Father, for being a God who listens and answers prayers!  In Jesus' name I lift your name in praise, amen.

Bonnie and I at the car wash event!  YAY!!!

My Choice

Originally, I wanted to write about my time hanging out with my neighborhood kids...the fun stuff I am blessed to experience as I hang out with them... still working on what I want to write.  So, instead of a light-hearted blog entry, I'm posting this entry up in its place.  =D  Very different.

As I write this entry, memories upon memories invade my thoughts.  The bad times and how they've grown me. The good times with its crazy fun and laughter.  *wide grin*  All different parts of what I call "Kristy!"

This is how I feel and the choice I make every time I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

When things so wrong, so very wrong

What do I do?

What do I say?

Where do I go?

I cry for help

Arms outstretched

Seeking comfort

But none can be found

Incoherent words

Wildly lashing thoughts

Flashes of memories

Time streams by or did it stop?

Desperately reaching

Blindly groping

Emptiness and confusion

How much longer will this last?

Fear

                           Anger

        Frustration

                                        Hopelessness

Pointless thoughts fill my mind

So confused

So lost

So drained

Nowhere do I go

Nowhere by my power

Nowhere by my strength

Running in circles

I fight until I’m worn out

I scream until no voice is left

I struggle until no strength is left

So empty I feel

Panting

                             Sweating

          Weak

                                            Tired

In the quiet

In the stillness

In my hopelessness

In my total weakness

I feel a soft touch

Comfort

I hear a gentle whisper

Calm

Who reaches past my self-built walls?

Who is strong enough to save me?

Where are you?

Who are you?

"Here I am" says God the Father

"I’ll save you" says Jesus the Savior

"I’ll stay with you" says the Holy Spirit

"Will you let me?"

"I am strong" says the Lord God

"I have plans for you, not to harm you but to grow you

I want to give you the best of the best

Will you let go and trust me?"

"Come, lean on me and I will be your strength

Come, listen to me and I will give you peace

Come, follow me and I will give you hope"

The choice is mine… what will I choose?

Every time I fall, God is there

Every time I hurt, God is there

Every time I cry, God is there

Every single time... God is always there

By my choice and mine alone

I choose peace

I choose hope

I choose to follow God



Take care everyone!!!  Hope not to take so long to write the next post... life is busy!  =D