Gluten Video Challenge III

I hope this is the last time I purposefully ingest gluten.  This week isn't as bad as the week before, but it's definitely not something I can label as "fun."

My acupuncturist wants me to hold off on gluten now to get a better assessment of my body.  Yay.  Praise God no more gluten for this upcoming week!  I am soooooooo thankful.  Instead, I get to boil herbs for a Chinese medicine drink twice a day.  *shudder*  At least, this time isn't as bitter.

Thank you, Father God, that even though my tumors are still present, eating still leads to pain... that in the midst of all the struggles and the unknown, you continue to provide.  Thank you for times with no pain.  Thank you for distracting activities.  Thank you for wonderful family and friends who keep me occupied.  Lord, you provide so abundantly that I truly lack nothing.  Thank you for providing Noel by my side to soothe me, cater to my whims, serve me food while I flop in bed.  Lord, you are good.  In you, I am satisfied.  Thank you for this life I get to live.

In Jesus' name I raise my voice in praise, amen.

Here's my video from Tuesday, September 22, 2015;
(https://youtu.be/xYwq5slgKGY)

Gluten Challenge Video

Wednesday, Sept 9, 2015

Hi everyone!  I didn't forget to write my blog... really!  I've been slaving away writing and deleting, writing and deleting.  *wry grin*  So... until I can get a post out that satisfies me and feels like it's where God wants me to go... please watch my most recent video in place of a blog.  This video is about my challenge with eating gluten.  =O
 

Kristy & Paintball: Leap of Faith

June 14, 2015

Wide stance, squatting low, I readjust the gun in my hands. Shifting the weight of my paintball tank, I settle it into an area just below my right shoulder.  Torso twisted, my gun touches the starting net while my gaze fixates on my goal.  Lower, I push my body weight ever closer towards the ground.  Silent count: one, two, three, go!  I throw my body forward.  My gun twists to the opponents side.  My left foot pounds the ground.  Right foot flies forward shoving me forward.  I'm falling.  Oh shoot I'm falling face first as my right foot catches the ground.  I have to protect my brand new paintball gun!  Instinctively, I flex my right elbow angling the barrel of my gun away from the ground.  Ahhhhh, gotta straighten my knees!  I'm not wearing any padding, if my knees touch the ground first, it's gonna hurt!  Quickly, I duck my head downwards to lower my upper body, stretch out my arms, and allow myself to skid along the ground: forearms first, chest, abdomen, then legs.  So embarrassing!
Picking myself off the ground, I can only think of two positive comments: one, I turned tripping into a successful dive, and two, I protected my gun from getting scratched.  Success!  *sheepish grin* 

Brushing the dirt off my chest, I stand up.  Legs planted a little wider than normal, I balance myself upright as my legs shake from lack of strength.  Drat, I'm so weak!  Guess that means no running for today.  Stumbling a little, I shuffle to the nearest inflatable bunker and position myself to shoot.

*click*

"Good, stand there like that."

Gun up, angle the hopper behind the bunker.  Tuck my elbows tight by my sides.  Plant my feet and twist my them in (smaller target). Squat low, lower.  Focus.  Looking down the side of my gun I search for my opponents.  Any enemies?  Stay sharp.  Keep my body hidden as much as possible.  Be ready to switch from the right side to my left.  Be ready to shoot someone and be shot at. 

*click*

Okay, if you didn't catch it by now, a teammate is taking photos of me posing on the paintball field in my brand new Crimson Rage team jersey with my very first brand new paintball gun.  Yay!  Today is my first day over this past one month that I'm back at the Santa Clara Paintball field.  Actually, it's the first day in a month I'm doing anything active!  Forget the fact I'm not really playing paintball.  Forget the fact that there are no real opponents and the field is empty of people.  I'm enjoying the air, the sounds, my environment, even the feels of preparing to shoot someone. *wide grin*  Bloodthirsty ain't I?

Unofficial photo shoot complete, we leave the field.  I feel satisfaction with killing imaginary opponents, getting the opportunity to start breaking in my new gun, learning my current physical status.  I have many areas to to address: physical strength, speed, balance, positioning, techniques, accuracy.... the list is never-ending.  Well, more like there are always areas to improve in.  I'll always be assessing and tuning my physical capabilities, my attitude, my technique, increasing my knowledge, and the most important bit is I'm having so much fun!

Laying in bed, home again after another forced hospital admission, I stare at the calendar. Today is June 18th; I just got home yesterday.  How come my time at the paintball field, only 4 days ago, feels like a whole different part of my life?

I received two more units of blood on June 15th and started the newest chemotherapy (Eribulin) which left me with erratic fevers, headaches, weakness, sore throat and a very high heart rate. No one is sure what the cause is.  Not likely the blood transfusion. Maybe the chemo?  The alcohol in the chemo that I'm allergic to? Combo?  *shrug*  All I can say for sure is that my current resting heart rate is 100-110s.  Simple activities such as standing up or picking up socks from the ground jump my heart rate into the 140-150 range.  *shudder*  

I've worked as a physical therapist in the cardiopulmonary department; I know I'm pushing close to the limits of being safe if I increase my activity levels.  With my current heart rate, what paintball?  I'm more likely to jump out of bed, get dizzy, and put my head down to minimize blacking out or completely loosing my balance.  *deep sigh*

On the other hand, as I was praying last week, I felt and still feel God confirming that I will be able to completely participate in the upcoming church paintball event on June 27th.  With me living in one hospital after another every week this month, where does my unfounded confidence come from?  All I can say is that God's given me assurance in my heart and peace in my mind that he will intervene no matter how bad things are now.  Beyond my faith in God, I have nothing else to base the conviction I have in my full participation on the coming paintball event.

But not just my confidence in making it to the paintball event; the planning, group organizing, logistics... If I don't make it to the field, execution of the event will be more difficult, but not impossible.  I believe in delegation, communication, and training the next generation to take over.  A huge thanks to Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang for making this event possible as Noel and I lean on the both of you!  

Talk about jumping off a cliff; I expect and need God to step in. My body as it is now lays weak and motionless in bed.  Under my own power, I'm not able to walk a block much less run, crawl, shoot, and carry equipment.  By God's power and his promise, I will be living proof that for the one day God's provided, I will be fully functioning.  Doesn't matter if I crash afterwards, I know that in the name of Jesus Christ, this is a blessing my Father in Heaven will bless me with.

If you have time, come see for yourself what God can do!  I dare you and I dare myself to see God in action!  *wide grin* 

Flipping to the other side of my head, I keep telling myself "this paintball event is God's event!  He will provide who comes."  Then I get scared.  Sure there is some interest in the event, a couple people have requested information... but the reality is that besides the team captains and lieutenants, we have absolutely no one officially sign up 7 days before this paintball event.  

I gnaw on my lips with worry.  What if no one comes?  What if no one signs up?  We promised Santa Clara Paintball that there will be 40 people.  Right now, we have 7 advanced players ready to serve and no one to serve.  *stress*  

I'm scared. But this is God's event.  But I'm still scared.  God promised I can be there at this event so he's gotta provide people to serve right?  But what if he doesn't?  What if I heard God wrong and everything is all foolishness in my head?  Where did my brash confidence disappear to?  Inside, I'm completely defeated; I feel crushed.

Father God, you, who are all-powerful... will you hear my plea? Even after seeing you in action and boasting of your great works, something as small as numbers stump me.  I freeze in fear I hear you wrong.  I shudder at shouting of your greatness, not knowing how you choose to provide, but then cringe at my timidity in asking you to provide players to play and serve each other at our annual church paintball event.  Lord, you have continued to provide both the advanced players as well as the beginner players of all levels for 8 years... so why do I start doubting you now?

Forgive me, Lord, for my lack of faith.  You said, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

Lord, I want that faith as tiny as a mustard seed!  Give me the boldness to trust in your goodness.  Give me courage to pray publicly for great things.  Give me the confidence that you love me so much that you will step in regardless of my selfish requests and provide better than I can ever dream of.  Help me ask for big things so that I can see you provide even bigger!

Father God, Lord Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit; I want to show the world that you are real, that even in this day and age, you work miracles.

In Jesus' name, I ask these things for next Saturday's June 27th Church Paintball Event:

• Bring 40 players to this paintball event
• A referee who is kind, hard-working, meshes well with our group, approachable, and willing to work with us to smoothly run the event
• Protect all participants from moderate to severe injury as well as dehydration
• Have everyone in good health and able to play to their heart's content
• Provide enough food, water, snacks
• Give everyone the heart to help one-another, a positive attitude, joy in playing both with and against each other
• Properly working equipment: nothing broken, jammed or irreparable on the field
• Nothing gets lost, stolen, or misplaced
• Stress-free collection and organization of money, people, transportation, anything else
• For all participants to have fun and the day be filled with laughter
• Main request: your sovereign presence throughout the planing, execution and closure of this event

Lord, help me to release the control of this paintball event, all the details, my health into your all-powerful hands.  Regardless if I get another round of chemotherapy this coming Monday, I trust that my medical care and physical body reactions are all in your hands.

As I trust my life in your care, help me to trust you with events out of my control.  Give me, Noel, Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang wisdom, courage, tenacity, strength, boldness, kindness, gentleness, peace, joy, and hope as we learn to seek you first in this paintball event and first in our lives.

Lord, I thank you that you are greater than everything.  I ask that you again step in and show your provision so that this paintball event can be a "success" in all senses of the word.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

June 5th video update regarding my chemo: 

http://youtu.be/HiCvMmx3NAY

Kristy shooting imaginary opponents on the paintball field (June 14, 2015):

https://youtu.be/Pb2aIpgm4q8

Stuck at Stanford Hospital

Wednesday, May 27, 2015: Stanford for scheduled blood draw

Just wanted to let you all know that the docs admitted me at Stanford today because they were worried about my low red blood cell level, high fevers (103F), potential GI bleed, and even considered abdominal surgery. 

The surgeon who checked on me today was the same one who helped perform my last abdominal surgery in 2013.  He totally remembered me and even got a little emotional seeing me back in... but he was able to pass on the message that I'm physically very capable and strong so the staff gives me more leeway.  Praise Jesus for providing not-so-random meetings!

Surgeon's verdict: no huge abdominal surgery right this minute.  Why?  The bad news is because surgical removal of my masses will result in so much resection of my intestines that I'll end up with multiple poopy bags!😱 So surgery is last resort even though my masses almost doubled again since 6 weeks ago (5x5 for the largest mass).  

I'm being well protected by God in Stanford with my crazy allergies, especially my unique sensitivity to alcohol (not the alcohol itself that can evaporate, but something linked with it?).  Every lab draw and every IV line switch that requires cleaning is dangerous for me. So far not a single accident has occurred.  For me, this is a miracle in and of itself!  Nowadays, everything has alcohol: cleaning pads, hand wipes, IV line green caps (Curos caps), surface wipes, and even hidden within medications.  Each step of the way, God has and is continuing to prevent any alcohol from contacting my body.  Yay!!!

I'm here, stuck in Stanford, for 5 days now.  I now have a drain hanging out the right side of my abdomen with a little plastic bulb to create negative pressure to suction out the fluid.  It's pretty neat!  I've learned that if my abdomen hurts, I request my drain be flushed with saline (probably reduces the bacteria) and all the pain goes away without additional medications.

I'm on Zosyn, IV antibiotic, but my fevers continue.  The doctors added IV Vancomycin which resulted in my face flushing hot red and my chest getting itchy.  First dose stopped, but pharmacy thought the reaction was from pushing the medication too quickly.  Second trial of  Vancomycin given at a slower rate resulted in difficulty breathing, my entire face and chest itching, face burning and fire behind my eyes... 50mg Benedryl later as my symptoms start calming down, I'm told that the night doctor wants me to continue with Vancomycin and more Benedryl.

What?!?!

"No."  I will NOT take anymore Vancomycin.  This is ridiculous!  Out of all the antibiotics out there, there's gotta be other options that won't knock me down.  25mg Benedryl makes me cross-eyed.  Even more Benedryl and fighting allergy symptoms is not my idea of a beneficial healing process!

I know the doctors are trying to protect me.  With the Zosyn alone, my fevers got so high it resulted in rigors, severe uncontrollable shivering with me feeling super cold.  Each time, I fought to control my breathing, protect my tongue away from my teeth and minimize the convulsive spasming.  A great workout.  After 45 minutes of shaking: my muscles ache, my hands tremor with fatigue, and back hurts.  Kind of weird.  My body is only a fraction under my voluntary control, I'm trapped inside my head, but at least I can gasp out single-syllable replies.  Not my most looked for activity of the day, week, or ever again in my life!

Thank you God that the daytime doctors agreed with my decision to not continue Vancomycin!  Thank you, Lord, for  providing another antibiotic, Zyvox, that my body is easily tolerating.  Thank you for taking away the crazy sweat-dripping fevers, the severe fatigue, the pounding headaches, my uncontrollable muscle spasms, my inability to breath deeply, my mist-clouded mind, my gut-wrenching pain that would immobilize me and so much more.

Thank you God for helping the doctors find the seropurulent abscess hidden amongst my tumors.  Thank you that the medical staff cares enough not to take my allergies for granted.  Thank you that when my body spasmed out of control, you provided people nearby to help when I couldn't call out for help or hit the nursing call button.  Thank you for the favor you've given me in the sight of all the staff and doctors. Thank you for helping me be able to bless others even when I don't feel well.  Thank you for your Spirit in me that enables me to smile, be patient and love on others even when everything seems to fall apart.  Thank you for getting me through 3 days of not eating without biting someone's head off (I really hate being hungry)!

Heheheheee...God's blessing me everywhere I go so I'm spoiled by lots of nice ppl. Yay!!! Praise the Lord!

These past couple of days, I'm learning again and again to trust in God for my health, my attitude, my emotional status, my physical capabilities, my allergies.... trusting that even when things go very wrong, nothing is out of God's control.  Everything that scares me being in a hospital: minimal choices, limited option, restrictions, lack of privacy, living with a noisey roommate, the service I receive, the food I eat... I can control none of it and the lack of control freaks me out!

Please pray that my heart stays soft and receptive to MD orders instead of me being stubborn thinking "I know how this should be" or "I want this."  Pray that God will use me as a light in the hospital so much his Spirit shines undeniably by my actions, words, attitude and "the God factor!"

Love you all lots!

K

Now it Starts: Port Surgery

Am I ready?

Yes.  No.  I don’t know anymore.  Well, either way, I’m here at my workplace.  It’s 6:15am.  I’m starting the process by registering at admitting, then off I go to radiology for a port placement.  What’s that you ask?  The port is a small chamber placed in my chest with a small tube that goes around my collarbone, into my vein, and stops at the entrance of my heart.  Supposedly, this is for the purpose of quick easy access for chemotherapy, blood draws, etc.  *shrug*  Each step of the way, I have the option of saying “stop.”  Will I do so?  Probably not.

I like to push the limits of what’s considered “normal.”  In my head, choosing local anesthesia is scary because I’ll be awake for the procedure, but I’m curious.  I _like_ to know what’s going on around me.  I like the concept that I can jump off the surgery table right after the procedure and go to work right away.  I hate taking medications and I really dislike not having control.  Local anesthesia it will be!  This way, I also don’t have to go hungry.  This point is very important.  *wide grin*  Hey, don’t laugh!  For me, I really like to eat and I’m never comfortable going hungry. 

Sorry, I’m rambling.  Guess my nervousness is showing.  I’m in full control, but to lay on a table and let someone I don’t know cut into my skin… now that doesn’t seem sane to me.  *sigh*

I can feel my heart pounding.  My breath quickens as I anticipate the near future.   

Stop.   

Breathe in.  Hold.  

Breathe out.  Pause.   

Repeat. 

God, my life is in your hands.  Whatever happens, I leave to you.  If you choose to stop the placement of this port, please feel free to go ahead.  If you want to stop the infusion of chemotherapy meds, even at the last moment, I’d welcome that too! 

Father God, I know you have a plan for my life.  The reason I’m going through with this chemotherapy thing isn’t because I believe that it will cure me, but because I want to live the life you’ve set for me so that you will shine.  I don’t care if everything falls apart… well, I do care, but at the same time, you are more important than my life and so I want to choose a life that puts you on display. 

Father God, to your will, so be it.  My life, my future, my dreams are yours.  Please use me so that I can see more of you.

*prick*  Ah, in goes the IV.  *shrug*  I can feel the nurse fiddling with the line; I've seen this so many times already… anything else of interest to look at?  Glancing around, I feel a rushing ache in the upper back of my throat.  Alcohol?  Whipping my head around, I catch a glimpse of an open alcohol pad used to wipe the syringe just before connecting it to my IV line.  Yup, that was alcohol alright.  Good thing I planned ahead and took Benadryl first thing this morning.  Doesn't matter how many times I warn people, my alcohol allergy is so unusual that almost all cleaning processes use it in hospital settings.

Trickles of cold liquid run down my left neck, into my armpits, down my sides.  What's going on now?  Rolling my head to the left, I watch as a staff member runs a cold swab dripping with betadine to circle my left chest, once, twice, three times over. Ewwww, this feels gross!  The lady directs me to turn my head to the right and keep it there.  Cold and wet, the substance is used to coat my neck as well.  *shudder*  Cold fluid through the IV line and cold sticky fluid.... Ahhh, gotta stop thinking about the cold.  I just need to ignore the discomfort.  I hate being cold!  What else can I focus on?

"Close your eyes."

Huh?

Next thing I know, a large blue sterile sheet presses against my face.  Some paper jabs near my eye.  A rustle of paper, then I feel the sticky edges of the drape being pressed onto my left chest.  Cold, sticky, foam-padded… what?  Oh, the person is applying the drape, pulling it off my skin, then reapplying it; this process is repeated many times until the person decides the positioning is just right.  Ummm, normally not so bad when someone's sedated, but definitely not the type of care catered to someone who's awake and alert.   Does anyone realize how cold and how sticky and how painful just the set-up process can be?  Probably not.  I'm not even gonna bother focusing on the what it's going to be like when they remove the tape used to stretch out my skin.  *deep sigh*  Medical practices are practical, not comfortable.

I can't see anything but blue. Suddenly, bright light pours into my eyes as the drape is lifted off my face and tied up.  Ahhh, I can see the wall again.  Is that a slight reflection of the room against plastic panels?  Yup, I can see outlines of people moving around.  Cool!   Too bad I can't see the procedure.  *sniffle*

"This is the not fun part okay?  It's going to feel like you're getting pinched like this."  *sharp pinch*

Thanks for the warning… I think?

I feel the needle stab deep past my skin.  Lidocaine is injected.  The needle gets partially pulled back and stabbed in at different angles.  I guess it's getting numb... Somehow this round, I can still feel all the places the needle is inserted... I don't remember that being the case last time.  *shrug*  I'm not going to give them any reason to regret letting me stay awake!

A nurse comes up with her hands outstretched, "Do you want to hold my hand?"

"It's okay.  I'm fine.  Thanks."  I'm too busy clenching my right hand in a fist and keeping my left side relaxed.  Honestly,  I don't think I can relax enough to grab her hand. 

"Okay, now you should only feel some pressure.  No pain."

I feel the scalpel run across my chest.  Once.  Twice.  "Ummmmm, I can feel the scalpel."

"Really?  I gave you enough lidocaine that you shouldn’t feel this.  Okay, I'll inject some more."

Again, the sharp pinch as the needle dives deep into my tissue.  Still, I can feel the pressure of the fluid being injected into my body.  Once.  Twice.  Three times. I can feel the excess liquid trickling down the side of my chest.

"Okay, that should be enough to numb the area."

Again, I feel the scalpel run across my left chest.  This time, I decide not to say anything.  I can tolerate pain.  As the surgeon cuts deeper, I stop being able to feel the sharp edges of the scalpel.  Maybe the local anesthetic is finally working?  Whatever, it's better for me to stay quiet than to make comments.  If they really wanted to know how effective their treatments are on an alert person, they'd ask.

*stab* Ouch!  This is the part I hate most!!!  Strong pressure.  Choking sensation.  A hard lump-in-my-throat type feel.  Lovely.  A small guide wire followed by a flexible tube is probably being inserted into my vein with the end near my heart.

*yank*  Huh?  My whole body is being dragged up and down almost to the point where I'm starting to shift on the table top. What's going on?

"I need to break through the old scar tissue from your prior port’s scar to create a pocket for this new port."

Finally, all the rough motions settle down.  Yes, I'm almost done!  I can clearly feel the needle jabbing into my skin, the thread sliding with some resistance through my tissue.  Almost there!  My skin gets pinched closed while a gel-like material is applied... I think this must be the skin glue.  Even if I can't see, I can feel the small foam-like tip dabbing against my skin.  Steri-strip for extra protection, 2x2 gauze, large tegaderm.

Freedom! 

I'm so happy the procedure is done that when given permission to climb off the table, I skip the small step and hop down.  Almost prancing now that the ordeal is done, I look forward to changing clothes and returning to work!  YAY!

Father God, thank you for helping me make it through the procedure!  For me, the unknown can be scarier than pain; however, whatever happens, Lord, I know you are in complete control so I really have nothing to worry about.  Discomfort, pain... All that's temporary.  But you, oh Lord, are eternal.  Even if things go wrong, I believe that if you absolutely didn't want it to happen, it won't.  Lord, with you always by my side, I can be completely nonchalant.  I can push the limits knowing you'll warn me when I go too far.  Father God, in your presence, I have no deep worries.  Yes I am unsure of my future, but I am completely confident that you will step-in when I can't deal with things anymore.  In the meantime, I'll enjoy what I have and what I can still do.  I am self-assured, not in my abilities nor in my own power, but in yours.  I know that you are God eternal, promise-keeper, true to character and love me so much I get spoiled.  In you, regardless of circumstances, I have peace, joy and hope unending.

Thank you, God, for redeeming and using the bad stuff in my life for your glory.  Thank you that I can look forward because of your steadfastness so that I don't get trapped in the darkness of my upcoming chemotherapy.   

Trials.  Unknown future.  Test subject.  Lord, to you, I am none of these things.  In you, the fact I get to dwell in your presence is a given.  I am content.

Lord God, Jesus, Holy Spirit... Give me the strength to fix my eyes only on you.  Help me see the end-goal and not the temporary struggles of this life.  May my life, my choices, my words, my attitude be what it is because I have you carrying me forward.  Continue to bless me so I can see you in action!  Keep my heart from straying away from you.  In this lifetime, show me that just having you is truly enough.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Please pray for my physical safety, strength, wisdom with managing symptoms, a good attitude, stability in my body...  stuff like that.  If God wills it, I start my clinical trial of chemotherapy tomorrow morning on May 13, 2015.

For following my blog, for reading my life story, for your wholehearted support, for your love and prayers... I know I am beyond blessed to have you walking with me through this life.  *Super big hug*  Thank you!  (^o^)/

Feeling the Pain

“Food allergies?  Well, besides dairy, gluten’s pretty bad.  Yeah, feed me some and I’ll show you what happens!”  *wide grin*  “Want me to try some?”

No one ever takes me up on the offer; honestly, I’m not serious either.  Even though I can list the side effects of ingesting a product with gluten, it’s been months since I remember actually having to personally deal with the situation.  Bad experiences fade over time…. Or rather, Kristy’s brain is like a sieve and I don’t retain a lot of information unless I’m actively using it!

While shopping for groceries, I find a yummy guava juice that I used to drink years ago.  *drool*  Nothing  in the ingredients state gluten; I can’t find anything online pointing one way or another so there’s only this huge unknown “natural flavor” ingredient.  I know that depending on what the “natural flavor” is and what it’s made from, there is a chance the ingredient contains gluten.  *shrug*  Well, so far almost all the natural flavoring products I’ve come across are safe.  I’ll be fine.  Even just a small fraction in the juice should be okay right?

Wrong.  Oh am I so wrong about taking my food allergies lightly.

Saturday evening, my whole midsection hurts, but I’ll live.  *shrug*  No big deal, I’ve dealt with this situation before, I can do it again.  Today will be achiness everywhere; tomorrow I’ll feel bruised inside; day after I should be back on my feet.  Easy.

Well... not quite so easy.

Sunday morning… okay this is beyond NOT fun.  Each breath I take sends flashes of pain ripping through my abdomen; deep inside, muscles spasm, twist and knot.  I clench my teeth, my arms and legs are tense as I hiss in response to the pain.  Panting with shallow breaths, I attempt to minimize all movement.  Wait, what if I roll to my side?  Rolling (not even an inch), I quickly stop as waves of agony wash through my mind.  This is so NOT a good idea.   Returning to rest in my original position, I move slowly, freezing as each small muscle twitch amplifies into minutes of prolonged agony. 

Great… why didn’t I remember how bad the pain is?  Was it this bad before?  I can remember every instance where I had trouble moving due to pain… this doesn’t top my worst day, but it definitely makes it into my top 10 most painful experiences list.  Grrrr… This will pass right?  By tomorrow, my insides will feel like I got punched black and blue, but I should still be able to work.  This pain, I just have to hold on for one more day… after that, I’ll get better again.  I always get better.

Finally, the long-awaited Monday comes.  YAY!!!  Knowing that my pain should be gone, I twist my body in an attempt to snuggle deeper into the comforters.  Instead, I barely move and my eyes pop open as fresh waves of pain assail me.  What’s going on?  I didn’t have abdominal surgery again did I?  No, this is much worse.  After each abdominal surgery, even without pain meds, I could still move.  Right now, I hurt so much that I’m afraid to move anything.  I can feel my insides shifting with gravity.  The dull ache’s expected, but I’m surprised at how the smallest movements still send shards of hot knives through my abdomen… mostly just on my right side.  Ahhhh… got it… right side is where my largest tumors are.  Meh.

Frozen in a partial roll, I debate my options.  Well, today _is_ better than yesterday right?  Nothing inside is torn, probably just inflamed.  I’ve got to get up some day anyways.  Jamming my arms into the bed, I vault my body upright.  Gasping for air, my mouth opens but my body refuses to take a breath in!  Frozen, my head spins, my body feels both weak and yet trembles with tension.  Stop… this hurts too much!

Focus 

                             Slow breaths

                Concentrate

Pain is only a sensation.  There is no injury.  I have no wound.

I need to stand up.  My back refuses to straighten.  I hurt.  Shuffling forward, each step drives nails into my abdomen.  There’s no way I can make it to work today; I can’t even walk properly much less attempt to treat patients!

Tilting my head up, I look at myself in the mirror.  Oh, this looks good… my back is curved into a half cirlce, my shoulders are up by my ears, I can’t straighten my knees.  Oh yeah… this posture will inspire so much confidence towards me as a therapist.  Okay… today’s a no go for work… back to bed.  Slowly, slowly… move, pause, breathe, relax.  Repeat.  I can do this.  I can get back into bed… then I can relax.  For now, just ignore the pain.  Pain’s still there.  Ignore it.  Pain alone can’t kill me.  Keep moving.  I got this far away from the bed, I can make it back.  I will make it back!

Father God, as always, you provide in amazing ways.  Usually, my CT scan is scheduled first thing in the morning, but this time you set my appointment in the afternoon.  I tried calling radiology a couple of times to move the appointment earlier but could never get through.  Every time I even thought about changing my CT scan appointment time, you stopped me.  End result?  Your timing is perfect.  Your plan is flawless.  I couldn’t get to my CT appointment any earlier than my scheduled afternoon slot.

*wide grin*  You’d think I’d learn my lesson already!  When you provide Lord, there’s a reason; even if I don’t know what your reasons are, everything always turns out better than just right!

Lord Jesus, give me the wisdom to take care of this body even as I push it to the limits.  Thank you for taking most of the pain away.  Thank you that I could go back to work on Tuesday, have Wednesday to rest, work on Thursday, have Friday to rest… and then sucessfully work on Saturday with the help of a co-worker who decided to freely volunteer her time, totally unpaid, to help me get through the day.  As usual, God, your provisions, your timing… everything is better than perfect when I lay my schedule, my activities, my life at your feet.

Thank you, Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit… for loving me so much that my life is better than anything I dreamed of as a child.  Thank you for the challenges to grow me.  Thank you for the difficulties that allow me to see you in action.  Thank you for the love you shower on me.  Thank you for times of action and times of rest.

May I continue to seek you, Lord God and you alone.  For in your presence, I am complete, I am whole, I am satisfied. 

I lift my hands in praise to my amazing God who allows me to dwell in his presence, who gives me better than the best, who fulfills every need and heals every hurt.  In Jesus’ name I lift my voice in praise, amen.

This is me crawling out of my new mild hyperbaric oxygen chamber gifted by my parents, my brother, Winston, my sister, Jessica, and her husband, Andrew.  Thank you guys for the awesome gift!!!