Gluten Video Challenge III

I hope this is the last time I purposefully ingest gluten.  This week isn't as bad as the week before, but it's definitely not something I can label as "fun."

My acupuncturist wants me to hold off on gluten now to get a better assessment of my body.  Yay.  Praise God no more gluten for this upcoming week!  I am soooooooo thankful.  Instead, I get to boil herbs for a Chinese medicine drink twice a day.  *shudder*  At least, this time isn't as bitter.

Thank you, Father God, that even though my tumors are still present, eating still leads to pain... that in the midst of all the struggles and the unknown, you continue to provide.  Thank you for times with no pain.  Thank you for distracting activities.  Thank you for wonderful family and friends who keep me occupied.  Lord, you provide so abundantly that I truly lack nothing.  Thank you for providing Noel by my side to soothe me, cater to my whims, serve me food while I flop in bed.  Lord, you are good.  In you, I am satisfied.  Thank you for this life I get to live.

In Jesus' name I raise my voice in praise, amen.

Here's my video from Tuesday, September 22, 2015;
(https://youtu.be/xYwq5slgKGY)

Living for my Reward

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Today's the day I find out what options I have.  I'm sitting in the treatment room nervously twiddling my thumbs and swinging my feet as I wait for my cancer doctor.  In walks my physician's assistant holding a small sheaf of papers.  Holding out his right hand, he offers me the printed CT scan results.  

"Kristy, I assume you already read the results?"

"Yup.  I know my cancer is worse and the tumors are significantly larger.  No more Eribulin for my chemotherapy treatment."

"Yes.  As of now, all we have to offer you is either palliative care or application to clinical trials.  First, palliative care is not hospice; it is access to an interdisciplinary team of medical staff who can assist you with relief from the cancer symptoms so that you can maximize your quality of life.  Second, know that since you have tried 7 types of chemotherapy and none have worked, any clinical trial you participate in will likely have less than 5% chance of shrinking your tumors.  Those who choose to receive experimental treatments outside of their geographical area temporarily move to the clinical trial host site.  Are you willing to travel?"

Instantly, my mind flashes me a picture of living elsewhere: no family support, no friends to drop by, can't eat restaurant food, trying to grocery shop and cook while on chemo, stress of an unfamiliar location, additional living costs... the list goes on and on.  The instability of my body makes me scoff at the very idea of trying to travel long distance.  "Nope.  Can't to do it.  There's no way I'm willing or able to travel for clinical trials.  Traveling from Milpitas to Stanford Hospital already pushes my limits when I'm tired.  Living elsewhere, I don't believe I can manage my needs away from home."

The door closes softly as the physician's assistant steps out to speak to my cancer doctor.  I snuggle my head against Noel's neck.  Tears leak from my eyes.  Why am I crying?  The conversation went exactly as I expected.  My options?  Limited.  I furtively inch my right hand under my right cheek in an attempt to wipe away the moisture dripping down my face.  Doesn't work.  Noel's shirt is already damp.  Clenching my teeth, I endeavor to speak in a cheerful tone, "Noel, whatcha think?"  Tilting my chin up, I glance into Noel's eyes.  He's crying too.

Deep breath in... Dang it!  I didn't want to cry.  Now my tears are just coming faster.  Noel wraps his arm around me tight.  I can feel my head getting wet.  I'm sure Noel's shirt is damp too.  Together, we silently comfort each other.

Time passes.  

Shoot, the doctor will come in any moment!  Yanking tissue from the box on the table, I hand Noel some tissue, then stuff the rest against my face.  It's miraculous that not wanting someone else to see me cry can stop my tears just like that.  *sheepish grin* Making my face presentable, I lean my right shoulder heavily into Noel's left shoulder.  My hand creeps in to tightly clasp Noel's hand.  We wait.

My cancer doctor sweeps into the room with the physician's assistant quietly following.  Getting right to the point, my doctor states, "There's a clinical trial you can apply for.  It's a phase I trial combining a chemotherapy drug and another drug targeted to stop blood vessel formation.  I'm hoping that this will shrink your tumors.  Do you want to try it?"

Honestly?  No.  I'm tired of chemotherapy failing and leaving my body weaker.  I'm tired of getting my body broken over and over again while my cancer continues to run rampant.  Since April of 2007, I've gone through 3 abdominal surgeries.  From January 2012, I started my first round of chemotherapy and have failed every single one.  Now in August 2015, all that's left for me in the medical field is the proud opportunity to be a guinea pig through uncharted experimental drugs.  Lovely.

Taking a deep breath, I reply, "Sure, let's do this.  I'll sign the papers today."

Ah, Father God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... help me!  I so don't want to do anymore chemotherapy.  I'm tired of breaking, getting weaker, increasing my dependence on all those around me.  Lord, I honestly don't care if I die.  Death means rest from pain, the dysfunctions of my body, and I believe that I'll get to be with you.  There's nothing wrong with that right?

Yeah, I know it's not yet time to leave this earth or else I'd already be gone.  *wide grin*  I'm not waiting to die.  I refuse to sit back and let my life, however long or short, slip by.  But I'm tired.  Cancer may limit my activities, my abilities, my energy; but Lord, don't let hopelessness or despair ever crush my spirt.

This is my battle cry.  This is my declaration of intent to fight.

I will fight with every fiber of my being to live and live well.  But what does it mean to live?  For me, living is not just an existence where I eat, breathe, sleep, play.  No.  Living requires purpose, a goal, direction.

Lord God, I made serving you, loving you, emulating you as my first priority in this life.  Because this life is yours, I am willing to walk through any path you call me to live so that in this life, you are truly Lord.  I will continue to trust you with the journey of my medical care.  My acupuncturist believes that this body you've given me is strong.  He says not to do chemotherapy because the poisons weaken my body and allow the cancer cells to replicate faster.  I believe him; I see my tumors rapidly increase in size the weaker my body gets.  Lord, I continue to choose any chemotherapy experiment that comes my way knowing that if you don't call me to walk that path, one way or another, you will cancel or invalidate my application. 

I surrender to your will so that you alone will shine as first in all choices.  I will live until you choose to call me to rest.  I will not surrender to my own wants, but will struggle and fight because you are my everything.  Lord, you are the love of my life. In you, I have complete trust in your goodness.  I blindly follow whatever path you call me to walk so that I can personally know you more.  You are my Father in heaven who hurts when I hurt, loves me unconditionally, shapes me so that I can grow ever closer to you... I will not waste this life to satisfy my own desires unless I can match it to yours.  Help me, Lord, live this life so completely for you that all the pain and affliction means nothing compared to being with you... For, God, you are my reward in this life and the next.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Praise God!  My application to the chemotherapy experiment is canceled due to the drug containing gluten and alcohol which gives me severe allergic reactions.  Yay!!!  Until my doctor can find another experimental drug appropriate for my type of cancer, I am free to get stronger, to recover from years of infusing poison into my system, and wait to see what God chooses to do with my fast-growing tumors.

God, please stabilize my body and heal me like no one else can.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Saw this octopus tree with a knitted body in San Mateo:

Much Needed Break

I know that you are my advocate.  I know you have a plan.  I know there's a purpose in me being admitted at Stanford Hospital... but Lord, I can't see what you're doing!  I know you give me glimpses.  I know you can give me rest... so Lord, give me a break please?

Take a deep breath.  Another.

Just as I'm trying to pull myself together, the nurse comes in.  Pasting a bright smile on my face, I ask, "What's up?"

"You're current pack of antibiotic is done.  I'll give you an hour break from being hooked up as I order the next packet.  It's 9:10 right now.  You have until 10.  Here's my phone's number, call me if you feel dizzy or anything happens.  I have your cell in case I need you. Enjoy!"

Yes!

Stepping outside my door, I peer right.  Nope, not a good idea.  I see doctors.  Left it is! Long hurried strides carry me quickly out of the unit.  Two more lefts and I arrive at a glass door.  Peering through, I see trees, patio furniture, and stairways down.  *drool*  Now this I like!

Scrambling outside, I stride up and down the stairs four times each way for exercise.  Done. Now if only I can find a spot to relax.

Scanning the area around me, I zone in on a small niche with just the right amount of dappled sunlight and shade.  Taking a seat, I immediately prop my legs up.  Glancing around, no one's down here.  Good.  Furtively, I take my mask off.  *wide grin*  Taking deep breaths, I let my shoulders relax.  Rolling my head back, I enjoy my surroundings.  A gentle breeze.  Sunlight sparkles off of delicate spider webs swaying to invisible air currents.  Ants march purposefully at their given tasks.  Leaves reach and sway towards the sun.  Tiny purple flowers blossom, half-hidden by larger shrubs. Vines cling to an old wooden fence.  A pair of doves stroll along brick cobbled floors.

A bit of freedom. A little peace.  Calm in my heart.  Time to resettle my soul.

Thank you God for this time to rest in your presence.  I'm supposed to go back inside now; be tied up again.  I'm dragging my feet a bit... but I feel a little more refreshed.  Thank you.  I don't know what you have planned, but I know you are my advocate and my sovereign.  For now, thank you that I can smile again.  Thank you that I can speak without a sharp edge. 

(un)CERTAINTY

Monday, June 22, 2015

My feet drag as I walk into the doctor's office.  Plopping into a chair, I wait with Noel supportively by my side.  

I'm scared.  Today's another chemo day.  

Last chemo sent me to the hospital for two days with fever, a high resting heart rate and an even higher moving heart rate up to the 150s.  I don't want to deal with the chemo again!  Can I just stop?

I know God will guide the doctors in regards to my treatment.  I know God is all-powerful and if he wanted me to get chemo, I can physically crash the entire week and still be strong enough to participate in the Summer Church Paintball Event this Saturday?  Or God can let me have chemo and get no symptoms at all.  Even better, how about no chemo?  God can do anything.  But for me, will I have to go through another week of misery?

I'm tired.  Part of me is breaking inside.  How much more?

Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me.  I'm clueless as to which direction you're guiding my care.  Lord, I know that in you, anything is possible.  Please give me peace as I follow your will.  Give me comfort as I choose to serve you.  Give me a heart to accept the doctor's judgement as I know their decisions are under your will.  Give me the heart not to argue, not to push my will, but allow you to be in complete control.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

The doctor comes in.  She sits down.  I know what she's going to say; there's a certain look.  Is that pity I see?

"Kristy, you will get chemo today.  To counter the alcohol allergy, we'll give you Benedryl and a steroid called Dexamethasone.  Any questions?"

Inside, my heart drops.  I feel myself starting to crumble.  What can I say?  I told God that I'll let him lead the doctor's decision.

But really God?  

Again?  

No break?

*deep sigh*  

My limbs have no strength.  Here I go, another round.  God, you call it.  You promised me I can play with the kids at the Summer Paintball Event.  I don't know how, but I know that in you, anything is possible. I will trust in your faithfulness.  I dread my future, but to walk with you is better than me walking my own path.  I commit to submitting to your will... But God, you know I'm really hating this chemo right?

Noel and I sit for two hours, waiting for my scheduled chemotherapy session.  I flop in my chair; my small black backpack supports my head, my legs drape over the opposing armrest.  At least this is comfy!  The sun beats down, I'm starting to sweat.  Okay, maybe a little too warm here.

Just as I prepare to move, a nurse calls out my name: "Kristy Cheng Esporo?"

"Here."  I wave my hand to get her attention.

"Are you waiting for your port to be de-accessed?  You know that your chemotherapy was canceled right?"

What?!?  "My port wasn't accessed this morning, we were just waiting for the chemo."

Three minutes later, my phone rings.  The PA (physician's assistant) is on the phone.  "Hi Kristy?  You know that your chemo is canceled right?  Your morning's blood test shows that your ANC (absolute neutrophil count) is 0.5, too low for us to give you any chemotherapy treatments.  Go home today and take the Neulasta injection to raise your white blood cell levels and we will see you in two weeks for chemotherapy."

Hanging up, I give Noel a huge smile and a thumbs-up.  My heart leaps for joy.  Sweet, no chemo today!  

Thank you, God!  You totally waited to the absolute last moment before notifying me of the cancelation of my treatment.  Not waiting would've been nice, but I'm totally fine with this outcome!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Father God, even without chemo, this week, my strength is up and down.  There were times I felt stronger.  There were also many times my bones hurt, I can feel my heart pounding, my head gets dizzy, eyes loose focus, a sharp sensation shoots from my shoulders to my hips where my muscles almost collapse in pain.  Father, I don't know what's going on with my body, but give me the energy, strength, focus, and spirit to serve those around me with a positive and loving attitude; no holds barred.  

May we as a paintball group be a blessing to all we interact with. Give us the heart to unconditionally serve, teach, love on each other.  I ask that your Spirit shine so bright all will know of your presence.  Bless the communication between all players, especially the captains and lieutenants, even the staff we come into contact with.  Guide the pacing.  Protect the children.  Keep us hydrated. Give us the wisdom to teach, the spirit to love, words to encourage, fellowship, joy, laughter, hope, and growth together as a community.

In Jesus' name, I continue to pray big for this event and expect to see you come through in amazing, wonderful, and totally unexpected ways!  

Now let's PLAY!  <3

Noel and Kristy at Stanford right after getting notified NO chemo!!!

Noel and Kevin preparing pods to paint:

Kristy & Paintball: Leap of Faith

June 14, 2015

Wide stance, squatting low, I readjust the gun in my hands. Shifting the weight of my paintball tank, I settle it into an area just below my right shoulder.  Torso twisted, my gun touches the starting net while my gaze fixates on my goal.  Lower, I push my body weight ever closer towards the ground.  Silent count: one, two, three, go!  I throw my body forward.  My gun twists to the opponents side.  My left foot pounds the ground.  Right foot flies forward shoving me forward.  I'm falling.  Oh shoot I'm falling face first as my right foot catches the ground.  I have to protect my brand new paintball gun!  Instinctively, I flex my right elbow angling the barrel of my gun away from the ground.  Ahhhhh, gotta straighten my knees!  I'm not wearing any padding, if my knees touch the ground first, it's gonna hurt!  Quickly, I duck my head downwards to lower my upper body, stretch out my arms, and allow myself to skid along the ground: forearms first, chest, abdomen, then legs.  So embarrassing!
Picking myself off the ground, I can only think of two positive comments: one, I turned tripping into a successful dive, and two, I protected my gun from getting scratched.  Success!  *sheepish grin* 

Brushing the dirt off my chest, I stand up.  Legs planted a little wider than normal, I balance myself upright as my legs shake from lack of strength.  Drat, I'm so weak!  Guess that means no running for today.  Stumbling a little, I shuffle to the nearest inflatable bunker and position myself to shoot.

*click*

"Good, stand there like that."

Gun up, angle the hopper behind the bunker.  Tuck my elbows tight by my sides.  Plant my feet and twist my them in (smaller target). Squat low, lower.  Focus.  Looking down the side of my gun I search for my opponents.  Any enemies?  Stay sharp.  Keep my body hidden as much as possible.  Be ready to switch from the right side to my left.  Be ready to shoot someone and be shot at. 

*click*

Okay, if you didn't catch it by now, a teammate is taking photos of me posing on the paintball field in my brand new Crimson Rage team jersey with my very first brand new paintball gun.  Yay!  Today is my first day over this past one month that I'm back at the Santa Clara Paintball field.  Actually, it's the first day in a month I'm doing anything active!  Forget the fact I'm not really playing paintball.  Forget the fact that there are no real opponents and the field is empty of people.  I'm enjoying the air, the sounds, my environment, even the feels of preparing to shoot someone. *wide grin*  Bloodthirsty ain't I?

Unofficial photo shoot complete, we leave the field.  I feel satisfaction with killing imaginary opponents, getting the opportunity to start breaking in my new gun, learning my current physical status.  I have many areas to to address: physical strength, speed, balance, positioning, techniques, accuracy.... the list is never-ending.  Well, more like there are always areas to improve in.  I'll always be assessing and tuning my physical capabilities, my attitude, my technique, increasing my knowledge, and the most important bit is I'm having so much fun!

Laying in bed, home again after another forced hospital admission, I stare at the calendar. Today is June 18th; I just got home yesterday.  How come my time at the paintball field, only 4 days ago, feels like a whole different part of my life?

I received two more units of blood on June 15th and started the newest chemotherapy (Eribulin) which left me with erratic fevers, headaches, weakness, sore throat and a very high heart rate. No one is sure what the cause is.  Not likely the blood transfusion. Maybe the chemo?  The alcohol in the chemo that I'm allergic to? Combo?  *shrug*  All I can say for sure is that my current resting heart rate is 100-110s.  Simple activities such as standing up or picking up socks from the ground jump my heart rate into the 140-150 range.  *shudder*  

I've worked as a physical therapist in the cardiopulmonary department; I know I'm pushing close to the limits of being safe if I increase my activity levels.  With my current heart rate, what paintball?  I'm more likely to jump out of bed, get dizzy, and put my head down to minimize blacking out or completely loosing my balance.  *deep sigh*

On the other hand, as I was praying last week, I felt and still feel God confirming that I will be able to completely participate in the upcoming church paintball event on June 27th.  With me living in one hospital after another every week this month, where does my unfounded confidence come from?  All I can say is that God's given me assurance in my heart and peace in my mind that he will intervene no matter how bad things are now.  Beyond my faith in God, I have nothing else to base the conviction I have in my full participation on the coming paintball event.

But not just my confidence in making it to the paintball event; the planning, group organizing, logistics... If I don't make it to the field, execution of the event will be more difficult, but not impossible.  I believe in delegation, communication, and training the next generation to take over.  A huge thanks to Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang for making this event possible as Noel and I lean on the both of you!  

Talk about jumping off a cliff; I expect and need God to step in. My body as it is now lays weak and motionless in bed.  Under my own power, I'm not able to walk a block much less run, crawl, shoot, and carry equipment.  By God's power and his promise, I will be living proof that for the one day God's provided, I will be fully functioning.  Doesn't matter if I crash afterwards, I know that in the name of Jesus Christ, this is a blessing my Father in Heaven will bless me with.

If you have time, come see for yourself what God can do!  I dare you and I dare myself to see God in action!  *wide grin* 

Flipping to the other side of my head, I keep telling myself "this paintball event is God's event!  He will provide who comes."  Then I get scared.  Sure there is some interest in the event, a couple people have requested information... but the reality is that besides the team captains and lieutenants, we have absolutely no one officially sign up 7 days before this paintball event.  

I gnaw on my lips with worry.  What if no one comes?  What if no one signs up?  We promised Santa Clara Paintball that there will be 40 people.  Right now, we have 7 advanced players ready to serve and no one to serve.  *stress*  

I'm scared. But this is God's event.  But I'm still scared.  God promised I can be there at this event so he's gotta provide people to serve right?  But what if he doesn't?  What if I heard God wrong and everything is all foolishness in my head?  Where did my brash confidence disappear to?  Inside, I'm completely defeated; I feel crushed.

Father God, you, who are all-powerful... will you hear my plea? Even after seeing you in action and boasting of your great works, something as small as numbers stump me.  I freeze in fear I hear you wrong.  I shudder at shouting of your greatness, not knowing how you choose to provide, but then cringe at my timidity in asking you to provide players to play and serve each other at our annual church paintball event.  Lord, you have continued to provide both the advanced players as well as the beginner players of all levels for 8 years... so why do I start doubting you now?

Forgive me, Lord, for my lack of faith.  You said, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

Lord, I want that faith as tiny as a mustard seed!  Give me the boldness to trust in your goodness.  Give me courage to pray publicly for great things.  Give me the confidence that you love me so much that you will step in regardless of my selfish requests and provide better than I can ever dream of.  Help me ask for big things so that I can see you provide even bigger!

Father God, Lord Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit; I want to show the world that you are real, that even in this day and age, you work miracles.

In Jesus' name, I ask these things for next Saturday's June 27th Church Paintball Event:

• Bring 40 players to this paintball event
• A referee who is kind, hard-working, meshes well with our group, approachable, and willing to work with us to smoothly run the event
• Protect all participants from moderate to severe injury as well as dehydration
• Have everyone in good health and able to play to their heart's content
• Provide enough food, water, snacks
• Give everyone the heart to help one-another, a positive attitude, joy in playing both with and against each other
• Properly working equipment: nothing broken, jammed or irreparable on the field
• Nothing gets lost, stolen, or misplaced
• Stress-free collection and organization of money, people, transportation, anything else
• For all participants to have fun and the day be filled with laughter
• Main request: your sovereign presence throughout the planing, execution and closure of this event

Lord, help me to release the control of this paintball event, all the details, my health into your all-powerful hands.  Regardless if I get another round of chemotherapy this coming Monday, I trust that my medical care and physical body reactions are all in your hands.

As I trust my life in your care, help me to trust you with events out of my control.  Give me, Noel, Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang wisdom, courage, tenacity, strength, boldness, kindness, gentleness, peace, joy, and hope as we learn to seek you first in this paintball event and first in our lives.

Lord, I thank you that you are greater than everything.  I ask that you again step in and show your provision so that this paintball event can be a "success" in all senses of the word.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

June 5th video update regarding my chemo: 

http://youtu.be/HiCvMmx3NAY

Kristy shooting imaginary opponents on the paintball field (June 14, 2015):

https://youtu.be/Pb2aIpgm4q8