Now it Starts: Port Surgery

Am I ready?

Yes.  No.  I don’t know anymore.  Well, either way, I’m here at my workplace.  It’s 6:15am.  I’m starting the process by registering at admitting, then off I go to radiology for a port placement.  What’s that you ask?  The port is a small chamber placed in my chest with a small tube that goes around my collarbone, into my vein, and stops at the entrance of my heart.  Supposedly, this is for the purpose of quick easy access for chemotherapy, blood draws, etc.  *shrug*  Each step of the way, I have the option of saying “stop.”  Will I do so?  Probably not.

I like to push the limits of what’s considered “normal.”  In my head, choosing local anesthesia is scary because I’ll be awake for the procedure, but I’m curious.  I _like_ to know what’s going on around me.  I like the concept that I can jump off the surgery table right after the procedure and go to work right away.  I hate taking medications and I really dislike not having control.  Local anesthesia it will be!  This way, I also don’t have to go hungry.  This point is very important.  *wide grin*  Hey, don’t laugh!  For me, I really like to eat and I’m never comfortable going hungry. 

Sorry, I’m rambling.  Guess my nervousness is showing.  I’m in full control, but to lay on a table and let someone I don’t know cut into my skin… now that doesn’t seem sane to me.  *sigh*

I can feel my heart pounding.  My breath quickens as I anticipate the near future.   

Stop.   

Breathe in.  Hold.  

Breathe out.  Pause.   

Repeat. 

God, my life is in your hands.  Whatever happens, I leave to you.  If you choose to stop the placement of this port, please feel free to go ahead.  If you want to stop the infusion of chemotherapy meds, even at the last moment, I’d welcome that too! 

Father God, I know you have a plan for my life.  The reason I’m going through with this chemotherapy thing isn’t because I believe that it will cure me, but because I want to live the life you’ve set for me so that you will shine.  I don’t care if everything falls apart… well, I do care, but at the same time, you are more important than my life and so I want to choose a life that puts you on display. 

Father God, to your will, so be it.  My life, my future, my dreams are yours.  Please use me so that I can see more of you.

*prick*  Ah, in goes the IV.  *shrug*  I can feel the nurse fiddling with the line; I've seen this so many times already… anything else of interest to look at?  Glancing around, I feel a rushing ache in the upper back of my throat.  Alcohol?  Whipping my head around, I catch a glimpse of an open alcohol pad used to wipe the syringe just before connecting it to my IV line.  Yup, that was alcohol alright.  Good thing I planned ahead and took Benadryl first thing this morning.  Doesn't matter how many times I warn people, my alcohol allergy is so unusual that almost all cleaning processes use it in hospital settings.

Trickles of cold liquid run down my left neck, into my armpits, down my sides.  What's going on now?  Rolling my head to the left, I watch as a staff member runs a cold swab dripping with betadine to circle my left chest, once, twice, three times over. Ewwww, this feels gross!  The lady directs me to turn my head to the right and keep it there.  Cold and wet, the substance is used to coat my neck as well.  *shudder*  Cold fluid through the IV line and cold sticky fluid.... Ahhh, gotta stop thinking about the cold.  I just need to ignore the discomfort.  I hate being cold!  What else can I focus on?

"Close your eyes."

Huh?

Next thing I know, a large blue sterile sheet presses against my face.  Some paper jabs near my eye.  A rustle of paper, then I feel the sticky edges of the drape being pressed onto my left chest.  Cold, sticky, foam-padded… what?  Oh, the person is applying the drape, pulling it off my skin, then reapplying it; this process is repeated many times until the person decides the positioning is just right.  Ummm, normally not so bad when someone's sedated, but definitely not the type of care catered to someone who's awake and alert.   Does anyone realize how cold and how sticky and how painful just the set-up process can be?  Probably not.  I'm not even gonna bother focusing on the what it's going to be like when they remove the tape used to stretch out my skin.  *deep sigh*  Medical practices are practical, not comfortable.

I can't see anything but blue. Suddenly, bright light pours into my eyes as the drape is lifted off my face and tied up.  Ahhh, I can see the wall again.  Is that a slight reflection of the room against plastic panels?  Yup, I can see outlines of people moving around.  Cool!   Too bad I can't see the procedure.  *sniffle*

"This is the not fun part okay?  It's going to feel like you're getting pinched like this."  *sharp pinch*

Thanks for the warning… I think?

I feel the needle stab deep past my skin.  Lidocaine is injected.  The needle gets partially pulled back and stabbed in at different angles.  I guess it's getting numb... Somehow this round, I can still feel all the places the needle is inserted... I don't remember that being the case last time.  *shrug*  I'm not going to give them any reason to regret letting me stay awake!

A nurse comes up with her hands outstretched, "Do you want to hold my hand?"

"It's okay.  I'm fine.  Thanks."  I'm too busy clenching my right hand in a fist and keeping my left side relaxed.  Honestly,  I don't think I can relax enough to grab her hand. 

"Okay, now you should only feel some pressure.  No pain."

I feel the scalpel run across my chest.  Once.  Twice.  "Ummmmm, I can feel the scalpel."

"Really?  I gave you enough lidocaine that you shouldn’t feel this.  Okay, I'll inject some more."

Again, the sharp pinch as the needle dives deep into my tissue.  Still, I can feel the pressure of the fluid being injected into my body.  Once.  Twice.  Three times. I can feel the excess liquid trickling down the side of my chest.

"Okay, that should be enough to numb the area."

Again, I feel the scalpel run across my left chest.  This time, I decide not to say anything.  I can tolerate pain.  As the surgeon cuts deeper, I stop being able to feel the sharp edges of the scalpel.  Maybe the local anesthetic is finally working?  Whatever, it's better for me to stay quiet than to make comments.  If they really wanted to know how effective their treatments are on an alert person, they'd ask.

*stab* Ouch!  This is the part I hate most!!!  Strong pressure.  Choking sensation.  A hard lump-in-my-throat type feel.  Lovely.  A small guide wire followed by a flexible tube is probably being inserted into my vein with the end near my heart.

*yank*  Huh?  My whole body is being dragged up and down almost to the point where I'm starting to shift on the table top. What's going on?

"I need to break through the old scar tissue from your prior port’s scar to create a pocket for this new port."

Finally, all the rough motions settle down.  Yes, I'm almost done!  I can clearly feel the needle jabbing into my skin, the thread sliding with some resistance through my tissue.  Almost there!  My skin gets pinched closed while a gel-like material is applied... I think this must be the skin glue.  Even if I can't see, I can feel the small foam-like tip dabbing against my skin.  Steri-strip for extra protection, 2x2 gauze, large tegaderm.

Freedom! 

I'm so happy the procedure is done that when given permission to climb off the table, I skip the small step and hop down.  Almost prancing now that the ordeal is done, I look forward to changing clothes and returning to work!  YAY!

Father God, thank you for helping me make it through the procedure!  For me, the unknown can be scarier than pain; however, whatever happens, Lord, I know you are in complete control so I really have nothing to worry about.  Discomfort, pain... All that's temporary.  But you, oh Lord, are eternal.  Even if things go wrong, I believe that if you absolutely didn't want it to happen, it won't.  Lord, with you always by my side, I can be completely nonchalant.  I can push the limits knowing you'll warn me when I go too far.  Father God, in your presence, I have no deep worries.  Yes I am unsure of my future, but I am completely confident that you will step-in when I can't deal with things anymore.  In the meantime, I'll enjoy what I have and what I can still do.  I am self-assured, not in my abilities nor in my own power, but in yours.  I know that you are God eternal, promise-keeper, true to character and love me so much I get spoiled.  In you, regardless of circumstances, I have peace, joy and hope unending.

Thank you, God, for redeeming and using the bad stuff in my life for your glory.  Thank you that I can look forward because of your steadfastness so that I don't get trapped in the darkness of my upcoming chemotherapy.   

Trials.  Unknown future.  Test subject.  Lord, to you, I am none of these things.  In you, the fact I get to dwell in your presence is a given.  I am content.

Lord God, Jesus, Holy Spirit... Give me the strength to fix my eyes only on you.  Help me see the end-goal and not the temporary struggles of this life.  May my life, my choices, my words, my attitude be what it is because I have you carrying me forward.  Continue to bless me so I can see you in action!  Keep my heart from straying away from you.  In this lifetime, show me that just having you is truly enough.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Please pray for my physical safety, strength, wisdom with managing symptoms, a good attitude, stability in my body...  stuff like that.  If God wills it, I start my clinical trial of chemotherapy tomorrow morning on May 13, 2015.

For following my blog, for reading my life story, for your wholehearted support, for your love and prayers... I know I am beyond blessed to have you walking with me through this life.  *Super big hug*  Thank you!  (^o^)/

Living with Cancer

Tumor (Kristy’s definition): unwanted mass of useless living tissue; a glorified weed located in the body; a source of fear, pain and acknowledged mortality.

I know my CT scan was positive for tumors 4 months ago.  A large part of me is hoping that the tumors in my body would shrink.  Another part of me hopes that the tumors would disappear and never return! 

Striding down my hospital hallway, I flip through freshly printed papers.  These are the new results of my most recent CT scan with contrast.  Chest, still clear.  Good.  Abdomen… ahhh, here I go again.  Am I ready?  I don’t feel ready.  Shaking inside, I see that not only do I have more tumors, but the ones seen 4 months ago are all twice as large as before.  Wait, these tumors are almost half the size of my fist already?  More tumors than before?  Great, my third abdominal surgery was just a year and a half ago and the chemotherapy after that physically wiped me out… I do NOT want to deal with all this cancer stuff anymore!

*deep sigh* 

I’m just starting to get stronger.  I’m finally back rockclimbing and attacking the 5.10-5.11 climbs.  I no longer tremble with fatigue and physically crash so hard I cannot move the next day.  I’m getting better again! 

Do I have to lose my strength?  Do I really have to face becoming physically useless?  I don’t mind losing my hair for the third time, but will I have to give up working?  Give up paintballing?  Give up rockclimbing?  Give up driving?

My chest hurts.  My hands shake.  My vision blurs.  Once again, do I have to place my dreams on hold?  This time around, will I even get back on my feet again?  How many chemotherapy trials are enough?  How many surgeries before I choose to stop?

Father God, tears drip from my eyes as I face the potential difficulties ahead.  The last round of surgery and chemotherapy was extremely rough… it took me over a year to recover and I’m still not where I used to be.  Lord, what’s it going to be this time around?

God, I acknowledge that you are in complete control of my life, my future, my abilities… I know that even through the toughest of times, I get blessed by seeing you perform impossible miracles.  I know that when I am weakest, I notice most your strength, your love for me, your provisions, your amazing power.  Father, even as I get to see you more clearly, I’m still scared.  I hate losing control of my life.  I hate being bedridden.  I hate not being able to actively work and play.

Lord God, you know that I love the challenge of playing unique sports.  In rockclimbing, I get to enjoy the thrill of almost falling, savor the adrenaline of pushing through almost impossible spots, wallow in the sense of accomplishing a difficult goal.  With gentle balance on one outcropping to a light touch on another, I get to fly through the air, occasionally grasping handholds I’m too short to reach.  Success and failure intertwined.  Trial and error.  A twist here, backstep there… I swing my body up and over large round boulders.  Smooth transitions, dynamic leaps.  I can feel my body stretching and muscles sliding as time slows down.  Lord, the impossible becomes possible if I only try hard enough, push hard enough, let go of my fears.  Focus.  Determination.   Tender palms and achy forearms, but I know that I’m alive!  New bruises form.  Excitement.  Tension.  Pure stubborness.  I’m going to make it up or fall trying.  This is what I feel when I climb, knowing that you are besides me every step of the way.

Lord, I don’t want to lose this part of myself!

Then, Father,  there’s paintball.  I’m finally able to get back on the field, still slow, but at least I can play!  I enjoy the thrill of dodging paintballs, protecting my teammates, hunting down my opponents.  Even while breathing hard, I know that I should be able to do even more.  If I can remove the mental limitations, anything is possible!  Shouting out positions, dashing from one bunker to the next, keep my head low and gun up… as I play, satisfaction and disappointment intertwine as one game blends into another.  Lord God, because of you, I’ve learned that there’s no such thing as failure, but there’s always the opportunity to try again.  Again and again, I want to hone my body, my reflexes, my abilities.  I want to continue challenging and being challenged to grow.  I want to feel the rush of a job well done. 

God, I know that it’s only through you, that I’ve made it this far, that because of you in my life, I can confidently jump forward into the unknown… knowing that if I stray too far or push too hard, you’re there to catch me.  Father, it’s because of the security I have in you that I can so fully live my life.  Lord, because of your amazing love, I can take joy in the struggles that come my way.  Father God, thank you for giving me peace.  Thank you for guiding me in medical decisions.  Thank you, Lord God, that I am never alone.  You are my strength, my joy, my purpose.  Without you, Lord, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Lord God, thank you for letting me see your provisions.  Thank you for this period of time where I got strong enough to climb rocks and play paintball again.  Thank you for the opportunity to work with tools on fun projects and acquire many beautiful orchids!  Lord, in you, I have peace knowing that this path I walk has a purpose, that my life is not useless.  Thank you that I can continue to serve you by serving those around me.  May my walk with you bring you glory and honor.  May my attitude in good times and bad speak clearly of my relationship with you.   May your presence shine in my life and my lifestyle so clearly none can deny that you exist.

Lord, for as long as you allow it, I will continue to go all out… to work, to play, to enjoy this life to the fullest extent that you have blessed me with. 

Give me patience to wait on your timing.  Give me peace to face the challenges ahead.  Give me hope that in you, all is well.  Give me joy in your presence.  Give me strength to forge ahead.

Lord, may I never stop serving you until one day you call me to rest.  Until then, give me the heart to use all the talents and gifts you give me so that I can complete the tasks you call me to.  Lord, in this life, I choose you first.  Give me the strength to live for you first above all my own hopes and dreams.  Help me acknowledge that in walking with you, I lose out on nothing.

In Jesus’ name I give God my past, my  present, my future, amen.

​At the 2015 March CEPL tournament #1... Noel being weird.

(un)Bound

I'm bored.  Well, that's not true.  I just don’t want to work on any of the projects I have lined up.  *wide grin* 

Flopping backwards on my bed, I flip open my laptop.  Let’s see… what should I look for?  Clicking on one tab to another, I surf the web.  I watch a little YouTube about refractory ovens, watch metal get melted, learn more about making jewelry, watch some survival technique videos, learn how to start fires and tan leather.  Then, the next thing I find myself doing is hunting through Amazon and eBay for materials in new projects I want to start up. 

At the corner of my eye, I notice the section of recommended stuff Amazon so nicely places to entice me to buy more.  Oh hey, there’s manga here that I’ve never seen before!  *drool*  I have not read manga for a couple months now.  Surprisingly, the hard-hitting cravings I used to feel aren’t strong... more like a constant dull ache. 

Since I was about 9 or 10 years of age, I've read novels or stories for multiple hours each day.  I’ve stopped maybe a week at a time, never losing the sense of gnawing need, but fighting hard to keep away and then failing.  My longest stint of non-reading is 40 days for lent a couple years ago… but never have I experience truly being free from reading until now.  By walking closer with God and putting him first in my decisions, I feel truly free.  I have more time, more hope, more joy, more satisfaction and more peace with my life than ever before.  No more heavy sense of guilt or pounding pressure.  Yay!!!

Casually, I click on a manga I’ve never heard of.  Eyes scanning, I read the synopsis.  Clicking the next manga, I read more.  By the time I realized what was happening, my eyes and hands were already busy hunting down the next interesting story.  Even just reading the short back-cover descriptions, the cravings hit me hard.  I _need_ to read more.  I don’t want to stop reading.  I can feel the chains coiling around my heart and around my mind.  My hands automatically move, my eyes scroll right and left.  My sense of self start to disappear into a deep black pit.  Stop.  STOP!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to be back where I was before!

The deeper I dive into my cravings, the larger the monster inside me grows.  Hunger.  Need.  A senseless wave of compulsion.  Self-hatred.  Loss of control.  I feel defeated, enslaved.

I have two choices; I can choose to feed the gnawing hunger inside and temporarily calm the thrumming in my head; or, I can choose to seek Christ and take comfort in the fact that while I dwell in his presence, I am already satisfied and the cravings can’t get to me.  In the presence of Jesus Christ, I can find peace, freedom, and gain the choice in what to do with my time, my mind, my heart.

God, HELP!!! 

Please bring the curtain of safety down over my head and my heart.  Lock my eyes and my hands away from feeding this raving monster inside.  I’m scared of losing control again.  I don’t want to feel bound to reading in order to satisfy the endless hole in myself.  Lord Jesus, please fill the void that draws me to seek satisfaction away from you.  Please calm the grasping, churning, turmoil inside my body. I forgot the bondage and pain of being drawn into reading; reading past the point of enjoyment and into a prison of hopelessness, loss of control, guilt, and fear.

Lord, bring me close to your side.  Protect me from myself.  Teach me how to enjoy reading again without being bound by it. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Here's a picture of my co-worker and I attempting to walk in a sample 10XL pair of scrub pants:

Sun Stand Still

"Sun, stand still at Gibeon, and moon, in the Valley of Aijalon."  And the sun stood still, and the moon stopped... Joshua 10: 12-13

Ohhhhh... I'd love to see God in action like that!  What kind of prayer would it take to see the impossible happen... to see God come through?  I know God will answer as I pray in alignment with his promises so that his power and glory are demonstrated.  So... what should I pray for?  What _can_ I pray for that would bring God honor, demonstrate his power, and be in alignment with his promises?

Father God, I want that!  I want to see you in action.  I want to see my own version of the sun standing still at my work.  I want to see impossible things happen today so I can have more crazy God-stories to tell!

Thinking of what to pray for... still thinking...ah well, time to see my patient.

“Room five please.  Sorry, we’ve only got this room left.  Would you mind climbing up onto this mat today?  I know it’s a little high, but I have a little step-stool here you can use.  You okay up there?  I need to go grab some supplies so stay up there and don't fall off.”

This is ridiculous!  To ask a patient to climb up onto a chest-high mat and then ask them not to fall off?  I know that when we move into the new building, we get new equipment.  I know that nothing big is being ordered because it'll just be wasted once we move.  When we move... it was supposed to be in 2013, then summer of 2014, now early 2016?  Who knows when we'll move!  All I know is that right now, equipment isn't working and the risk of injury to staff and to patients rise as time passes.

Frustrated and annoyed, I pray:

God, this situation sucks!  Everyone’s working hard, but the lack of working treatment rooms really slows down the whole process.  We’ve got 6 treatment rooms right now, but two have mats that don’t work and one room is small so that treating the bottom of a patient’s foot is really really difficult!  To top it off, the office sink is clogged.  Grrrrrrr… God, can you just fix something?  Even one more room with a working mat would make all the difference… although, new mats would be even better!  *deep sigh*  I don’t know what to do about the sink; we’ve already asked for it to be looked at, but the process is so slow.  God, I’m fed up… can you just do something today?  Anything!

After lunch:

“Everyone, we can’t use room one for now.”

What?!?  A completely unusable room?  What in the world is going on? 

I watch a co-worker grab tape and place a sign over the office sink: “DO NOT USE.”  Well, okay, I know that this office sink is clogged.  Someone came earlier to unclog it, but that didn’t work so he was supposed to come back later.  *shrug*  Guess the sink got more clogged?  But what’s that got to do with room one?

Curious, I take a peek.  Black-colored water is steadily dripping from the sink and pooling over the trash containers, over the floor, and across the mat’s feet.  What in the world is happening?!?  One side of the room is coated in black-watery stuff!  Is that coffee grounds from the clogged sink?  Argh, I guess someone decided to wash their hands in the clogged office sink and because this treatment room’s sink shares the same pipe, the water evened itself out and poured out into our treatment room; one treatment room down... that leaves 3 working rooms and 2 rooms with broken mats.  God, what in the world are you doing?  I thought I prayed for stuff to get fixed, not more broken and messed up!

*deep sigh*

“What in the world are we going to do?”

“Why don’t we move the working mat from the flooded room one into room five where the mat doesn’t work?”

“Great idea!  Who wants to help me move the mats?”

Looking around, everyone in my dept is either super busy or injured.  Disappointed, I’m ready to give up.

“Why don’t you call some of the techs to help?

Couple phone calls later, the working mat in room one is moved into room five and room five’s broken mat is moved into room one.  YAY!!!  Praise the Lord!  That makes four completely working rooms and only two messed-up rooms.  Hurray!!!

Father God, sorry for doubting you.  Yes, you answered my prayer for an extra working treatment room, but the way in which the whole process occurred was totally unexpected!  I never dreamed that stuff would get so messed-up and crazy as the process you choose to work through in answer to my prayer.

God, thank you for all the support at work throughout the moving/fixing process… that everyone stayed calm so I stayed sane.  Thank you for the words of wisdom from co-workers, for fellow staff members not in our department willing to drop everything and come help, for the decrease in number of patients who showed up for their appointments so that the lack of rooms did not cause a stir.  Thank you for the timing of everything going wrong and even the timing of when things got fixed.  Thank you that the issue escalated so much that we potentially may get new mats to replace the two broken ones!  Thank you that the both the sink in the office and in treatment room one got completely fixed and are now even cleaner than before.  Hurray!!!

God, you listen to my silly complaints and you answer my crazy prayers… but how you go about doing so is completely unexpected.  *wide grin*  Lord, thank you for coming through for me and for my department.

In Jesus’ name, I give praise to my God, a God who cares enough to listen and to provide, amen.

What do I dare pray for next?  How will I see God answer?  =D  I'm excited!

So what did I learn?  Be careful how I pray!  Asking in the name of Jesus so that God will be glorified… God will answer, but I find he does it in his timing and in his way.  *wry smile*

Take care!  Hope you all are enjoying the increase in sunshine!

*big hugs* --Kristy

Trusting without Boundaries

Flip, I casually flick another page in our scheduling book.  Eyes roaming, I double check to see who’s off and who’s working the weekend.  As my eyes scan the page, I freeze.  That’s my name!  What?  I don’t remember being notified about working on a Sunday in October.  What went wrong?  I thought I didn’t have my next weekend workday until November!

Rushing to my desk, I quickly type in my password to unlock the computer.  Clicking my work email, I open up the email with a list of my given weekends I acquired after a co-worker left.  Nope, no October weekend.

Heart thumping, I select the shortcut folder for work’s weekend and vacation schedule.   Tapping my cursor over “October,” I rapidly scroll down looking for October 12th.  Yup, right there, that’s my name.  Guess who ever made the initial email request missed noting down this one month.  Yikes, what if I didn't show up to work?!?!!!  *shudder*

Can I do it?  Will I be able to work a Sunday in the burn unit with no occupational therapist back-up?  Questions, concerns, worries... one issue after another pile up in my head.  Burdened and cornered, I decide to pray.

Father God, Creator of the universe… Help!  A huge part of me worries about my strength and endurance in being able to perform heavy transfers, lift weighty limbs, or even to have the physical stability to complete the entire treatment.  Father, I acknowledge that you are all-powerful, that you have complete control, that you know my capabilities and your provisions, that my life and my schedule can be fully guided by you.  Lord, no one will want to take this Sunday, it’s smack in the middle of a three-day weekend with Monday being a holiday off.  Plus, even if someone is willing to take this day, I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured.  *sigh* 

Lord of my life, I give this issue into your capable hands.  Either give me the energy, strength and endurance to make it through Sunday… or give me the help somehow and someway so that I can continue to honor you as I work on whatever day is given me.  Lord, I leave my worries at your feet.  Help me to lean on you... trusting that no matter what happens, you will be there to catch me and to provide for me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Okay Kristy… now I just have to chill and see where God ends up taking me.  *deep breath*  Don’t be anxious.  Don’t worry.  Instead, remember, to this point in my life, God has shown himself and provided over and over and over in more ways that I can even count!  So why not also in this situation?  I will choose to trust God to handle what I cannot control because I believe he is truly and fully in control of my life (even when I’m not) and that he is real.

Two hours later at the end of lunch:

“Hey Kristy, you’re working on a Sunday in October right?  The 12th?”

“Yup!”

“I’m scheduled to work on October the 11th, that Saturday.  Can we switch?  There’s something I want to do that Saturday.”

“Sure, I’d love to switch!  In fact, that’ll be so much better!”

Praise the Lord and a huge thanks to my friend (didn’t ask her permission so I’m not putting up her name)…  prayer answered just like that!  No pressure.  No begging.  No struggling.  No placing co-workers in uncomfortable positions.  No additional stress.  Just like that, it is done… issue resolved. 

Wow!  When God decides to move, everything falls into just the right place!  *wide grin*

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Father God, today was a loooonnnnggggg day.  In the morning, I worked along-side the occupational therapist who is usually stationed in the burn unit... she knows exactly who’s who and what’s what.  Yay! 

Lord, throughout the entire time, I can feel you by my side.  My heart sings for joy as my patients got to experience increased independence and many “first time doing this” situations!  My energy lasted in spurts just long enough to the point where I could escape to rest and recover.  Even during the times when I got tired in the middle of a treatment, my co-worker willingly took over all the prep work and running around for supplies while I either leaned on the linen bin to conserve energy or even the time I had to run out of the room to sit and rest.

All I can say, is that you, my Lord, are an amazing God who provided one thing after the other this entire day.  At the end of the day, I feel kind of bad because I started to complain.  It’s 4:00pm and I’m supposed to be leaving work for home… but that’s not going to happen.  I finished all my wound notes, but haven’t completed (or even started) the morning’s batch of inpatient notes... there are still _six_ notes that I need to complete!

Grumble, grumble.  I know that my attitude isn’t the best.  I really should focus on the myriad of blessings instead of the fact that I need to stay behind so that the next therapist will know about the patients’ progression, treatments I performed…

Stop. 

In all honestly, I know that if I really wanted to leave work, even with my notes not even started… I can.  It’d suck for the person treating the following day, but I have the choice in what I choose to do.  There is no “have-to”… there’s only “it’d be nice for the next person if I completed my work” type of issue.

Father, change my heart to joyfully serve in the full capacity you bless me with.  Even as I sit here at my desk grumbling, you give me the energy and physical stability to remain.  I’m not drained so much I need to run home to rest (surprising after a non-stop, intense type of workday).  So be it, I will choose to serve by completing my work… both to honor you and to bless my co-worker, the one who you used to answer my prayer in her request to switch weekend work days.

Lord, forgive my negative attitude, my selfishness, my misplaced sense of self-righteousness; instead, I ask that you give me wisdom in my documentation, focus to complete the notes to the best of my ability, and help me remember what I did in this morning treatments so that I can properly type and bill.  Give me your peace and correct my attitude.  Let me not work for myself but to do all my work as a reflection of my heart to serve you in worship. 

To my Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the living Holy Spirit… to you be all the glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

Noel and I with a sleeping cat and my many plush toys:

Asking for Something Different at Work

Monday, September 22, 2014

Now that I’ve thrown out the challenge in my last blog post… what do I pray for?  Laughter again?  No… totally not!  That’s too boring to ask for the same thing twice in a row.  Ummm, what should I ask God for today?  I want to ask for something different! 

But what?

*sigh*

I’m trying to think; and yet, nothing comes to mind.

Hey God, I really can’t think of anything interesting to pray for.  I want to see you, but how will you show yourself to me?  Well, whatevers.  Father God, I ask that you show me, somehow, someway, that you are present with me as I work.  I want to see you in action!

In Jesus’ name I ask, amen.

As the day goes on, I’m really starting to drag.  My treatments and documentation speed is slowing down as each hour passes by.  I’m tired.  You know when people say they got "glutened” when they eat gluten and it causes problems?  Well, I got diaried (Kristy made-up word) this weekend and all my energy reserves are gone.  Poof!  Just like that and my entire physical/mental function is affected.  *deep sigh*  I want to go home.

Casually, I ask my boss:  “If I finish early, can I go home?”

I didn’t want to make a big deal out of being tired.  I mean, I’ve pushed through times when I’ve been so drained that I could barely move.  I’m nowhere near that state!  On the other hand, it’d be super super great to just lie down.  Yeah, my bed is sounding pretty nice right about now.  *wry smile*

Later in the day, I drag my feet to check on the board.  I should have one last patient left before I can go home early.  Just one more… Oh, another therapist’s initials are written next to my supposedly last patient-of-the-day.  What happened?  Peeking into the treatment room, I see my co-worker busy at work.

“Can I help?”

“You, go home and rest.  This patient came early and my patient canceled.  Didn’t you want to leave early?”

“Yup, thank you!” 

Sliding myself past the curtains, I change clothes and leave work 1-1/2 hours early.  Yay!!! 

God, even though I don’t feel at my best today, thank you for working my schedule so that I can go home and rest!  Thank you for providing such awesome friends at work who are willing to pick-up my slack.  Thank you that even moving so slowly today, that there was no negative effect on the pacing of patient treatments and that all the most important parts of my documentation are already complete.  Praise the Lord for your timely provision today!  Amen!

It's been a week and I'm still dragging myself around.  Just super tired.  Please pray that I get my strength back and that my body will once again steady itself!

Noel and I re-started our South Bay Games and Dinner Night after 11-month rest-break.  Praise the Lord that he provided enough energy to last the night!  We cook together, eat together, pray together, play games and even clean-up together... community and life-skills with God as the center.

Here's a picture of us chilling together in the living room:

Asking for Something Different

I want work to go well today.  No, nix that.  I _always_ want work to flow smoothly, not be stressful,  and to end on time.  Is that really all I want?  How about something different?

Hey God, I want to see you in my workplace today.  What should I pray for?  I don’t like a super packed schedule… ummmm, but then again, when you’re really present, even the toughest days with the most patients can flow smoothly.  So how about this…  Father, I don’t mind a schedule that requires me to see patients non-stop back-to-back; but, in return give me the energy, focus and a fun time with my patients and my co-workers.  In fact, do this for my whole wound dept!  *wide grin* 

Lord, I’m not asking for an easy day, I’m going to ask for what would normally be a hands-full super busy day!  But… I want today to be so filled with fun and laughter that others will notice and acknowledge that today, there’s something weirdly different.  I don’t mind that this is the end of a packed work-week.  I’m going to trust that, Lord God, you will provide.  Times when I or my co-workers are normally stressed, lift up our spirits and bring in laughter, peace, joy.  Boldly I ask, Lord, that you show yourself in my workplace this day.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

*smirk*

Towards the end of my workday, I overheard these comments:

“Today was super busy like the rest of this week, but I’m not tired.”

“Something’s weird today.  Work was hard like normal, but there’s a lot of laughter.”

Yes, I believe that today is so markedly different because I prayed and God answered. 

I was too chicken to say “that’s because I prayed for this day to be filled with laughter even though the work is demanding.”  But I’m sharing this now… prayer is amazing! 

Today, we sang “Happy Birthday” to a patient with almost the entire wound staff… I’ve never seen that happen in my 9 years here.  Laughter drifts in the air from one room to the next.  Co-workers move with an extra spring in their step.  Joy and anticipation simmer below the surface.  Broad smiles grace many faces.  Patients come early, some come late, but the schedule ends up just right for each staff member.  My paperwork is completely done.   I even get to leave work on time after a non-stop, no-rest day of work.  Yes, today is different; very much so! 

Praise the Lord!

Next week… what interesting things should I pray for?  What would you pray for?  How do you want to see God? 

I challenge those reading this blog post to pray for God to show himself in a very specific and utterly unique way in your life and those around you.  I’d love to hear what God’s showing you.  The more specific your prayer, the more confirmation you’ll have that God is real and amazing when you see him answer.  If you take up this challenge, please email me your cool God-story.  I won’t share it, but I’d love to see more of God at work!

Lord God, I know with all my heart that you are real.  Frequently my eyes are blinded by my own comfort.  I’m wallowing in my own desire.  Father God, help me to let go and really see you this coming week.  I ask to personally experience the joy, peace and true comfort of being in your presence.

Father, for those willing to seek you this week, I ask that you guide their prayers and make the results so uniquely clear that all will be amazed and sing your name in praise. 

Bless those reading this blog with your joy everlasting, lightness of spirit, unfathomable peace and the comfort of your unconditional love.

In Jesus’ holy name I pray, amen.

Sept 21st: Celebrating my 'lil sister's birthday!  Happy Birthday Jess!  *super big hugs*

Working, but Never Alone

Ready?               Up!

Wrap 

                     Pull 

    Wrap                   Pull 

I'm starting to get tired. 

My day is just starting so I really shouldn't complain.  My co-worker is helping by lifting the patient's leg.  Really, all I'm doing is leaning over the bed and stretching an ace wrap in a spiral pattern from the feet up the leg.  Working on the second leg, I can feel the smallest tremor in my muscles.  Already?  How in the world am I going to make it through today?  Not by my own strength that's for sure! 

My goal is to serve where I am.  Using everything God's given to me, I want to provide my patients the best service possible.  But how?  I'm confused as to if and how I need to moderate my own activity.  If I go all out, will I have the endurance to continue with all the treatments needed throughout the day?  Will I get burnt out?  Should I save some of my energy in reserve for later?  How much is too much and how little is too little? 

Lord God, I'm really confused.  I know you have the ability to give me strength beyond my own, but I also know you've blessed me with a brain capable of learning my own limitations.  When do I use what you've given me and when do I lean on you for more?  I really don't know enough and I hate the answer "each situation is different so it depends."  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.  All I know, Father God, is that I am here, working a weekend day...  kind of lonely but never alone.

Initially, I was scheduled to work Sunday.  Thank you so much that I didn't!  Not knowing until afterwards that Sunday (working completely in the burn unit with no assistance from another therapist) there was a patient who got discharged and 3 new admits... all requiring a lot of effort and time... AND a handful of current burn unit patients that all needed therapy.  Yikes!

Lord, with my current abilties, there's no way I can serve all the patients in the burn unit to meet the needs of what Sunday required.  Instead, you provided a switch where my co-worker willingly took my Sunday so that I can work on Saturday instead.  Father, you blessed me completely by providing another therapist to lean on, enough time to complete all my paperwork, and that all my afternoon patients with wounds came early!  Hurray!!!!

Honestly, beats me how I exactly made it through Saturday.  Definately not by my own abilities!

Lord God, all I know is that I continusously prayed throughout my entire work day: begging for wisdom, asking for stregnth, requesting your assistance with the timing and types of treatments... the list goes on and on.  And the coolest thing?  You helped me more than just survive this Saturday of work, but allowed me to thrive by providing everything from therapy and timing to patient participation and staffing assist.

Father God, to you I give all the glory and praise!

The fact that I can work, knowing that if my back is ever in a corner, you always open a way out.  So yes, Lord, blindly I follow.  Each step.  Each day.  When I'm scared.  When I'm lost.  Into your care I leave all the many things out of my own control so that I can serve others as you've shown me through the examples of Jesus Christ.  Continue to give me strength in my body, endurance during my treatments, stability of my body when I'm fatigued, a positive attitude in you and peace in the knowledge that I'm never alone, never truly stuck, never fully hopeless or helpless.

Thank you, Father God, that I can so enjoy work, in serving and in being served, exactly where I am.  Wherever I am, whomever I'm with... may you continue to shape my heart to seek you and to serve others... not for my own pride nor self-satisfaction, but to glorify you. 

I will work with all my heart to you, O Lord, and not to man because you promised to never leave me, to never forsake me.  Dwelling in your presence, I will never be alone, never truly lack for anything... so please, Lord, continue to teach me how to serve you right here and right now.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Having fun with the toys (Amanda's getting kind of squashed LOL):

Weekend Work

Friday, August 29, 2014

I’m going to work Saturday!  Hurray!!!  My eyes are lit, my heart thumping, nervous energy courses through my limbs as I anticipate the approaching weekend.

What?  You think I’m crazy?  Well… probably.  Yeah, I’d say I’m not quite right in the head.  *wide grin*

But… I get to work again!  I love working in the burn unit.  I get to experience dealing with a variety of physical limitations, the opportunity to make splints and face the challenge of modifying activities to fit a person’s needs.  Time to play!

Part of me is a little scared… okay, okay.  A lot scared.  What if there’s something a patient needs to get done and I’m physically incapable of doing my job?  What if there’s a heavy transfer?  Do I say “sorry, I can’t transfer the patient even though I know it’s part of my job.”  Or do I say “Sure, let’s go for it!” and then get so tired, dizzy and have my body act up that I can’t treat the next patient?

Father God, I give my fear into your hands.  You have full control of the patient population, timing of the treatments, patient needs, my physical strength, my body’s stability, even paperwork.  Lord God, nothing is in my control once I start working so I will trust you to provide.  I’m doing my best to rest as soon as I get home this week; I take naps after work, keep in bed whenever I can... I’m storing my energy levels to the maximum of my ability this past week in preparation for tomorrow.  I don’t know if the rest is enough, but Lord, into your hands I give my future.  Provide me patients that I can give my all to help, but also give me wisdom in how to perform the treatments so that I am both effective in my work and can maximize therapy for each patient I work with.  Help me serve to the best of my abilities.  Give me the endurance to provide therapy in a more active capacity.  Give me a can-do attitude, a gentle heart and confident demeanor.  No matter how long or how short each treatment is, I ask that you help me provide skilled treatments that will have a lasting and positive impact of the patient’s physical and mental health.  Provide me the ability and wisdom to encourage, challenge and grow each patient back towards his or her prior functional level.

Lord God, working this weekend is my first small step to bigger and greater activities.  Help me gain the confidence to trust and use my body to its fullest.  Give me the wisdom in how hard and how fast I can push myself.  I want to rock climb again.  I want to play paintball again.  Step by step, Lord, give me the heart to keep fighting.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

What a beautiful morning!  The sun is out.  The air is fresh.  Cool breeze, blue sky and white sweeping clouds.  Today will be amazing!

Father God, thank you so much for today’s provision.  You blessed me with being able to work along-side an occupational therapist who knows the burn unit.  Thank for giving me time to sit and rest when I got tired.  Lord, you are an amazing God.  The pacing of work and rest and paperwork was just right.  You even provided assistance from another physical therapist so that if I got too tired, I could hand-off my workload.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my workday so that I did everything I felt like is needed to do without skimping out on any treatments just because I may get tired.  Thank you that all the treatments in the burn unit didn’t require much physical strength.  Father God, even in my wildest imaginations, I couldn’t have dreamed of such a well set-up work day to work both in the burn unit and in the wound dept.

Thank you for you for the blessings, your abundant provisions and my increase in strength!  I can’t wait to see what else I can soon do!

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Rogue sitting in my lap while I attempt to work on my jewelry projects:

Waiting on God's Timing

"I don't know what to do anymore!  It's been so long since I've had a job!"

Watching my husband sit in front his computer, fiddling with his portfolio... I remain silent.  What is there to say?  By my words alone, I cannot provide Noel with a paying job.  Phrases such as "It'll be okay" or " God will provide when the time is right" sound unconvincing trite.  In the face of Noel's despair, saying "Thank you for staying at home and taking care of me" feels so lacking.  Even a hug doesn't cut it.

Laying in bed, I observe Noel struggle.  There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.  There's no words of wisdom that can fix the issue of no work and dwindling funds.  There's no action I can physically take to solve Noel's joblessness.  There is nothing I can personally do for Noel that will pierce his despair, his frustration, his self-loathing, his impatience.  Rarely do I see Noel cave under the heavy burdens placed upon him by my health, our household, ministry and job issues. 

Silently, I watch over my beloved husband.  My heart breaks.  I feel powerless.

Lord Father, creator of Heaven and Earth, you who are merciful, compassionate, wise and all-powerful... Please help my husband.  Lift the burdens he is stumbling under.  Heal his heart against the standards of what this world says a husband should be or do.  Give to Noel your wisdom to see his life and his current situation as you see it.  Bless Noel with the strength to walk forward with full integrity.  Keep his eyes fixed not on his worth with a job but his true worth as your beloved child.  Give Noel the courage to stand fast against the storms of this life.  Bless him with your everlasting hope through Jesus Christ.  Give him a soul at peace.

Father God, by myself, I am powerless and helpless; however, with you, O Lord, everything and anything is possible.  The options are endless, your timing always perfect.  To you, Lord God, I give the struggles, the hate, the anger, the despair, the hurt... Into your hands, I place both my and my husband's future: our health, our job, our cars, our time, our hope, our everything.

Give us peace.  Give us hope.  Give us courage.  Give us strength.

I want to see you, Lord.  I want to dwell in your presence.  I want to rest in your arms.  I want to live the path and the life you intend for me.  I want you to save and protect Noel... Be it job or jobless, show my husband your calling for him.  Show him his worth in Jesus Christ.  Heal his hurt and his pain.  Give him hope and joy that can only come in you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Noel:

These last few weeks I was lost and somewhat depressed:  the job search wasn't going anywhere, I didn't have a solid indication as to where God wants to place me, and I was frustrated with where I currently am in life.  On Friday after a rescheduled lunch, I reached out to a friend to see if he wanted to meet up for lunch.  Unfortunately, he couldn't because he had to prepare some material for a presentation.  So I then asked what time meeting was and if I could pray for him and his meeting.  I felt that God was revealing His plan for me in little pieces throughout that day.  God played meaningful music while I was driving that reminded me 'He has a plan for me' and for me to 'be patient and trust in Him'.  Even at our quarterly leadership meeting at church on Saturday, the message was a great reminder to "ask God for the impossible, because anything less is an insult to Him". 

Thank you, Lord God, for the renewed sense of hope, joy and peace in Noel.  Thank you for renewing his purpose, refreshing his strength, lifting his spirit.  To you, O Lord, be all the glory.  May my life and Noel's life shine ever greater with your Spirit as you hone us in your light.

In Jesus' name, I give my life and my husband's life, into your loving hands.  Amen.

Noel and I at Footprints! youthgroup Senior Sendoff 2014:

 

Holding Back, Moving Forward

Time flies in the blink of an eye.  Work.  Eat.  Sleep.  Repeat.

By now, I had hoped to be back at work full-time.  I mean, come on... it's been 6 months since the last chemotherapy injection! 

Accepting the fact that my body cannot handle full-time work, I concede to working only 8-hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I was hoping that by May, or at the very latest, start of June, I could return to work full-time.  I want to be a productive, fully present, member of the team at work.

Hasn't happened yet.

Every time I say that I feel stronger and I tell myself "if next week remains steady, I'll add in those extra 8 hours a week and finally work myself back to full-time!"  *super hopeful look*

Nope... every time I even _think_ something about increasing my working hours, my body rebels by telling myself it's tired.  *deep sigh*  So yeah... I'm still on 8-hours for 3 days a week.

"Rest is good."

"Your body's gone through a lot."

"Just be patient a little longer."

Easy being told, but hard to hear because there's no end in sight.  Try living this lifestyle when there's a thousand-and-one things you want to do!  I still haven't gone rockclimbing yet.  I haven't played paintball since last November!  No matter what anyone tells me, I'm getting pretty impatient with myself.

But on the positive side, I am able to do more daily activities such as cooking one or two meals a week, cleaning up a little after myself, and just sitting up with Noel to watch a movie.  The basics in life.  Simple pleasures.  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for allowing me to work part-time at my job.  Thank you that I am able to consistently work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays almost this entire month!  Thank you that I can do a little more than pure bed-rest on my days off.

 Hurray!!!

Lord, I ask for your wisdom in ramping up my activity levels.  I ask for increasing endurance to look ahead and keep moving.  I ask for the joy of abiding in you as I live day by day.  I ask for strength to continue testing my limits.  I ask for rest so I don't drop with fatigue.  I ask for the courage to keep pushing ahead.  I ask for health so I don't catch a cold.

Don't let me get lazy or complacent. Don't let me be content with what I am physically capable of doing.  Don't let me stagnate in my daily life.

Father, this life you've given me is really amazing!  Help me continue to enjoy each day.  Open my eyes to see the beauty in this life and this lifestyle.  Let me focus on you instead of myself. Give me the strength to use my weakness.  Give me the hope of seeing you in every part of my life.  Brighten my heart so that darkness has no place.  Hold me tight so I don't stray from your side.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Have a great week everyone!  I wrote three different potential blog posts, but ended up going with this one because my brain isn't thinking clearly enough to edit.  Heheheeee... *sheepish grin*

Recently, I'm playing with my newly acquired silver chains and synthetic opals.  The deep sparkle of these opals reminds me that life is more than just what I can and cannot do... what's below the surface matters.  So long as I have God's Spirit shining in my life, my life will never be dull.  Yay!!!  =D

Mika's sleeping on me.... ahhhhhh, can't get up!