(un)Bound

I'm bored.  Well, that's not true.  I just don’t want to work on any of the projects I have lined up.  *wide grin* 

Flopping backwards on my bed, I flip open my laptop.  Let’s see… what should I look for?  Clicking on one tab to another, I surf the web.  I watch a little YouTube about refractory ovens, watch metal get melted, learn more about making jewelry, watch some survival technique videos, learn how to start fires and tan leather.  Then, the next thing I find myself doing is hunting through Amazon and eBay for materials in new projects I want to start up. 

At the corner of my eye, I notice the section of recommended stuff Amazon so nicely places to entice me to buy more.  Oh hey, there’s manga here that I’ve never seen before!  *drool*  I have not read manga for a couple months now.  Surprisingly, the hard-hitting cravings I used to feel aren’t strong... more like a constant dull ache. 

Since I was about 9 or 10 years of age, I've read novels or stories for multiple hours each day.  I’ve stopped maybe a week at a time, never losing the sense of gnawing need, but fighting hard to keep away and then failing.  My longest stint of non-reading is 40 days for lent a couple years ago… but never have I experience truly being free from reading until now.  By walking closer with God and putting him first in my decisions, I feel truly free.  I have more time, more hope, more joy, more satisfaction and more peace with my life than ever before.  No more heavy sense of guilt or pounding pressure.  Yay!!!

Casually, I click on a manga I’ve never heard of.  Eyes scanning, I read the synopsis.  Clicking the next manga, I read more.  By the time I realized what was happening, my eyes and hands were already busy hunting down the next interesting story.  Even just reading the short back-cover descriptions, the cravings hit me hard.  I _need_ to read more.  I don’t want to stop reading.  I can feel the chains coiling around my heart and around my mind.  My hands automatically move, my eyes scroll right and left.  My sense of self start to disappear into a deep black pit.  Stop.  STOP!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to be back where I was before!

The deeper I dive into my cravings, the larger the monster inside me grows.  Hunger.  Need.  A senseless wave of compulsion.  Self-hatred.  Loss of control.  I feel defeated, enslaved.

I have two choices; I can choose to feed the gnawing hunger inside and temporarily calm the thrumming in my head; or, I can choose to seek Christ and take comfort in the fact that while I dwell in his presence, I am already satisfied and the cravings can’t get to me.  In the presence of Jesus Christ, I can find peace, freedom, and gain the choice in what to do with my time, my mind, my heart.

God, HELP!!! 

Please bring the curtain of safety down over my head and my heart.  Lock my eyes and my hands away from feeding this raving monster inside.  I’m scared of losing control again.  I don’t want to feel bound to reading in order to satisfy the endless hole in myself.  Lord Jesus, please fill the void that draws me to seek satisfaction away from you.  Please calm the grasping, churning, turmoil inside my body. I forgot the bondage and pain of being drawn into reading; reading past the point of enjoyment and into a prison of hopelessness, loss of control, guilt, and fear.

Lord, bring me close to your side.  Protect me from myself.  Teach me how to enjoy reading again without being bound by it. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Here's a picture of my co-worker and I attempting to walk in a sample 10XL pair of scrub pants:

Chains of My Life

Delete.

The word resounds over and over again in my head with an irrevocable sense of finality.

I did it.  I really erased the manga app off of my iPad.  Years of reading, hundreds of stories bookmarked, collections stored… all gone with a single touch of my finger.

I know I can restore the app.  I know the names of some of my favorite stories… but never in my life did I ever dream that I would remove my own free access to thousands of stories.  Hours into days, days into weeks, and weeks into years of ingrained habitual reading… completely stopped in one night. 

By the grace of God, I can state that I want to choose Jesus Christ as the most important treasure in my life.  The hole that cannot be filled by my own actions, my own worth, my own thoughts… I crave the glimpses of complete fulfillment, of overwhelming joy, of deep peace… and I have only ever experienced these things to such a great extent when I hold Jesus Christ first in my heart; everything else pales in comparison.

However, I still crave the safety of mindless reading, of burying myself in fantasy worlds and in impossible adventures.  But I know that in order to gain the best, I need to let go of all my seconds.  I need to release my death grip on parts of my life that aren’t good for me… at least not to the extremes I take things.  Accepting God as my main treasure is an all or nothing proposition.  I cannot serve myself first and say that I truly serve God as Lord. 

My original intention was to nix my insane amount of reading and fill in at least a small part of the time with growing my relationship with God: understanding more of his character, knowing more of his power, dwelling in his presence.  Did it work?  Maybe a little… but honestly, I find myself struggling with new issues.  Instead of reading manga, I find myself using the time to delve into learning more about jewelry-making, editing and posting jewelry pictures on Instagram, tweaking my Etsy shop… and even more than these incessant pressures… what catches me off guard the most is online shopping. 

Shopping?  Yup, feels like I haven’t bought stuff in years!  Sure it’s great to shop for Christmas gifts online and finding great deals is a fun challenge; however, I catch myself feeling this pressure, this _need_ to buy things, not later, but right now! 

In whatever I do, I find myself always trying to fill this internal hole of need, excitement, and of challenge.  I have experienced that nothing comes close to walking with Christ, but at the same time, a huge part of me absolutely refuses.  Knowing the best and reaching for that best is difficult when there are so many other things which can provide a quick fix of instant gratification.  I frequently find myself accepting second-best, not because I truly want what it can give me, but because it’s easier.

Following Christ is scary: it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it requires facing the ugliness inside myself and changing.  Following Christ requires truth.  It requires choices that aren’t always rational.  Following Christ can make me look really stupid.

All for what? 

Is having a personal relationship with God that much of a treasure it trumps everything else? 

The answer for myself is “Yes.”  To me, God is worth my everything and more.

I want to personally enjoy the presence of an all-powerful God who can create the universe and still know me.  I want to be completely enveloped in his unconditional love.  I want to be fully accepted no matter what I do or say or look.  I want to experience strength not of my own.  I want to have joy unrelated to any circumstance.  I want to know peace that in this lifetime is not of this world. 

Father God, I am unworthy, but you still love me.  I run, but you still seek after me.  I hide, but you still find me.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for letting me experience your power.  Thank you for letting me sit in your presence.  Thank you for showing me that you are real.  Thank you for forgiving me even as I make mistake after mistake after mistake.  Thank you for being consistent in character and for always keeping your word even when I don’t keep mine.  Thank you for being gentle with me. 

Lord, there is nothing I have that you want.  There is nothing I can do for you that you cannot do even better… so Jesus, thank you for the free gift of your life that redeemed mine.  Help me honor you in the choices I make, this life I live, the attitude I have and the actions I perform… keep my eyes fixed on you and hold my heart close to yours.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

If I’m too lazy to write again before Christmas:

Merry Christmas everyone!!! 

Be blessed this season to experience the glory and peace of Christ.  Let’s all joyfully celebrate that because Jesus Christ came to this world, we are made perfect by the very acceptance of his gift, his life in place of ours. 

Picture of Audrey and I at our last South Bay Game and Dinner Night on Nov 25th: