Finger tips burning. Palms tingle. Everything kinda feels numb. How far does my neuropathy go? Up my wrist? Forearm? So hard to distinguish what's "normal" anymore. All I know is that my sense of touch is skewed. Most objects I touch have a sort of soft feel. My cats, even the one with rougher fur... her fur feels like the softest and fluffiest pelt in the world.
My feet also ache... well, ache isn't quite the right description. Bruised? The blankets press my feet into the mattress. Rolling my feet first right, then left, right again. Arghhhh. No matter how I shift my feet, I cant escape the sensation of discomfort. I give up. I throw the blankets off. Cold air hits bare feet. Whatevers. I'm going to ignore all the weird signals from my hands and feet!
Tossing my legs over the side of my bed, I slide into standing. Youch! What in the world?!? Do I have blisters or something on the bottom of my feet? Did I somehow burn my feet using the hot water bottle while keeping warm? Bending forward, I grab my ankle. Flexing my knee, I flip my left foot up to check bottom sole of my foot. Nothing there. No redness. No blisters. What's going on? Right foot? Left foot? Nothing there but normal pale pink skin and dry crackly-looking heels. There's nothing on my feet!
Tentatively, I place both feet on the ground. Stubbornly, I press my feet even harder into the ground. I am not going to label this feeling as "pain." Mentally, the labeling of "pain" may limit my actions. Ummmm... Ignore, ignore. The more pressure I place on both feet, the stronger this unpleasant "sensation" is.
I'll never get anything done today if I dwell on the dysfunctions of my body. Ignore. Absolutely _nothing_ is different from usual. Get up. Move!
Reaching out, I grab a pair of fluffy brown socks. Keeping my feet warm may intensify the annoying signals running through damaged nerve endings... But the more circulation I can maintain, the higher the probability of my body healing. I'll do anything to maximize recovery to my nerves! Short-term discomfort, no matter how annoying, is worth the effort! Plus... additional benefit: desensitization. Try poking at the same spot, the body stops taking note of the repetitive sensations. I'll just have to trust that in my case, avoiding discomfort is not to my benefit!
Keep warm. Keep moving. Stay hydrated to flush out chemicals in my body. Wear soft slippers to distribute pressure and minimize discomfort. What else? Ummmmm, massage to increase circulation. Done! I'll do this all day, everyday... well, I'm not very disciplined. *wry grin* I will do my best to perform the above actions everyday.
Just in case, I'll write an e-mail to my oncologist: "Besides medication, are there any other ways to manage the new onset of burning and tingling in my hands and feet?"
"I can write you a prescription for Neurontin. It'll take 2 weeks to become effective."
Ummmmm... *deep sigh* I really don't want more medications. I _hate_ taking meds. If I mask the current discomforting nerve signals to my brain, how will I know if my nervous system is getting more damaged or is improving? I'd rather use these annoying physical cues to my advantage... to remind me to take optimal care of my body. No pain no gain right? *wink*
Father God, thank you for giving me a high pain tolerance! Each step I take, literally take, I am reminded of your goodness. I have hands. I have feet. Even though my body doesn't function quite like I want, what I do have still works... well, my body works well enough. Gotta take and keep every bit I can right?
Lord, thank you for my mind. Thank you that part of me thrives on challenges. Thank you for my therapist background that allows me to constantly analyze my situation, my actions, my reactions. Thank you for giving me the stubborn determination to continue pushing ever forward.
Father, today, Aleesha, will come over. Help me to by-pass the pain and the fatigue so that I can enjoy my time with her. Our plan is to make wontons, even the wrapper. Father God, help us make these wrappers thin so the wontons won't be tough or doughy or thick. Everywhere I look online, I either see gluten-free wonton wrapper recipes with an egg to bind the mix together or vegan wonton wrapper recipes using normal flour so the gluten performs the binding. Today, Father God, help us successfully create a gluten-free and vegan wonton wrapper that is super thin and tasty! Give me wisdom, patience and the correct touch to make these wontons!
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Okay! Let's start!
Ummmmm... Binders to replace the gluten are products like applesauce -too runny... Oil - how in the world is that supposed to hold the dough mixture together?... Flaxseed meal in water -cold water in most recipes makes this mixture slowly congeal, but sometimes, the mixture is too wet. Then how about flaxseed meal in hot water? Maybe this mix will be more solid? Wow... flaxseed meal in hot water congeals fast! Kinda looks gross though. *shrug*
Hmmmm... If time is needed for the flaxseed-in-water mixture to congeal... Does that mean everytime I break these bonds with mixing, I'll have to let time pass so the sticky bonds can reconnect? Theoretically sounds right I think... So long as the binding or thickening reaction is not a one-time deal. *fingers crossed* This better work! I refuse to give in and use an egg. Absolutely refuse!
Next, I bought some gluten-free all-purpose flour online from www.Julesglutenfree.com. I want to try the commercially sold premixed flours first. My goal is to get an idea of the potential of gluten-free "flour" mixes before attempting the thousand-and-one options available on the internet to mix my own. The benefits of this flour by Jules? It contains all the flours and starches I can easily get near my home while including xanthum gum, a binder which also allows mixing of different materials like oil and water.
Cool... Let's mix the wrapper dough first, then let the dough mixture sit and bind while we flavor the meat filling!
Oh Lord, thank you that I was able to by-pass the constant pain and have fun! Aleesha and I successfully made gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers! With that single mixture, we made: chicken wontons, chicken potstickers, green onion pancakes and cranberry pancakes! Yay!!! One type of dough for all 4 products. How cool is that?!?
Thank you, thank you, Lord, that you provided the knowledge to handle this dough mixture. As the dough started to dry out (even covered by plastic wrap), the drying starch started squeaking while we rolled it! The dry dough, which looked fine, actually squeaks! Wow... thank you for the noisy signal to mix more water into the dough and the wisdom to let it re-rest and bind. Thank you, Lord God, for a very usable, multi-purpose, dough mixture!
Father God, thank you that I am still able to have so much fun in the midst of constantly changing physical dysfunctions. Thank you for always giving me fun things to look forward to and people to spend time with. Thank you, Lord God, for giving me hope. For giving me yummy food to eat. For giving me time to rest.
Father, each week, I feel more and more tired. Sitting isn't so bad, but standing... Lord, I feel drained so quickly. As each day passes, am I getting weaker because of the chemotherapy still in my system? Or am I getting weak from laying around and "resting" so frequently? It's funny... I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time. Father, my muscle mass is building up, but the duration I can use my muscles is getting exponentially shorter... It's like my energy capacity is shrinking... Almost as if the more muscles I have, the quicker I burn through my limited energy resources.
Lord God, please give me patience with myself. Help me to not get frustrated with my limited mobility. Help me to not get depressed as my fingers go numb and my thoughts become unclear. Lord, give me strength of heart and courage to keep picking out the positive aspects of my life. Help me to live my fullest with smiles, laughter, joy and peace that comes only by following you and seeing you in action.
May all the glory and praise go to you, Lord. Thank you for always providing abundant blessings. Thank you for all the wonderful support I have in my life. In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.
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| Aleesha slaving away at making wontons! =D |
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| Gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers... look how thin we got them! =O |
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| Look at what Aleesha and I made! Hurray! |
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| Dinner: chicken wontons in vegetable broth, potstickers and pineapple chicken fried rice. *drool* (we already finished eating all the green onion and cranberry pancakes!) |
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!
May you and your family be blessed with good memories, intentional conversations, laughter and abundant smiles this year and next. Thanks for reading! *hugs* --Kristy
Merry Christmas albeit a bit late. As I said you are my heroine. Please note the spelling, but I'll admit you are addicting.
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