The Ugliness Inside

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Lord, I just really really don't want to sit down and write... give me the words to help me process my feelings, my thoughts, my actions and my reactions.

Father God, part of me... well, most of me... really really doesn't want to be at this church retreat.  I'm so tired.  Can I just rest?  A church retreat is supposed to be a place to rest right?  But what does resting really mean?  Can I skip messages?  Can I not participate in small group?  Can I go hide and not talk to people?  I want to be alone... then why am I here?  Away from home, an uncomfortable bed, so-so food... why am I here and what is my purpose of coming to this retreat?  Was I forced?  No.  So what am I doing?  Part of me knows that every time I seek you, Lord, I am blessed: I get to learn new things about myself.  I get the opportunity to see you at work.  I get way more in return than if I hide in my comfortable hole.

So... how do I get there?  Hiding in my room gets me nowhere.  Staying silent in small group brings no return.  Stewing in my rebellion (right now, I'm skipping the church photo) doesn't accomplish anything but gain attention for not following the flow.  *sheepish grin*

As people walk past, they ask me "aren't you coming for the church photo?"

Feeling a little guilty, I state "Naw, I'm writing in my blog right now."  Seemly okay with my reply, most people continue on.  Walking back to my room, I gave the same reply... but a pair passing by actually paused and reconsidered their actions.  Oops!  For a split second, I freeze.  Oh no... not only am I ditching, my example encourages others to do the same.  Bad Kristy!!!  Such a hypocrite.  I encourage others to participate in the group picture but I myself refuse.  Stupid pride and stubbornness... I don't even know why I'm kicking up such a fuss... so much easier to just _go_, be a part of the picture, make people happy... then come back and sleep.

Noel and a group walk back stating they came back really quick because no one was there to take the photo.  As Noel quietly asks me "are you going?"  I continue to reply, "no... I want to rest."  Sadly, he walks out.

Inside of me, a fist clenches and I feel super guilty.  Hanging around my room, attempting to blog, I hesitate.  Pride.  Guilt.  Discomfort.  Sadness.  Is this what I wanted?  Is this my intention for this retreat... to cause dissension by my poor attitude? Is this how my weekend will go if I continue to stubbornly and pridefully go my own route?

What do I really want?  What kind of rest do I crave?  What do I really need?

*deep sigh*  Rushing out of my room, I head over to the photo location... a third of the way there, a mass of people are walking towards me.  Too late. Photo's done.  Regret.  Relief.  Discomfort.  Silly me... if I can't be happy doing what I think _I_ want... then what's the point in the first place?

I feel like a little child... throwing a tantrum and not knowing what I really want that will comfort me.... to satisfy this emptiness inside.

Doing things my own way really doesn't seem to accomplish anything... I'm just getting more tired!  What kind of rest is this?  Not much of one.  Somehow, looking back at my crazy activities... so long as I follow God, no matter how much energy and activity and work it may require... I feel way more happy and energized then than I do now.  This sucks.  My attitude sucks.  My pride sucks.  Grrrrrrr....

Father God... change my heart to serve you and listen to you... even when I don't want to.  Give me the attitude and the energy to be exactly what you want me to be and where you want me to be.  Change my heart, Lord, from this ugly selfish lazy girl to something more.  Transform my life so that I can rest in your arms and find peace while I actively participate in this retreat. Teach me, Father, how to rest and serve at the same time.  Guide me, Lord, in my choices, words, actions and reactions.  I don't like where I am.  I don't like what I am without you.  Father, I need you.  The many people who see me and my crazy activities and all-out serving... Lord, that's all you!  Me... I like to hide, do nothing, be selfish, and be totally asocial.  But honestly, I don't have fun living life my own way.  I have way more fun living with you and through you.  So Lord, I ask... continue to grow me to be more like  you.  Provide me your wisdom, your strength, your love for people, your heart.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

My birthday surprise!  =D

Dinner with my co-workers at Pacific Catch on July 18:  Waaayyyyyyy more than I can eat!  =O