Upcoming Surgery

Monday, July 8, 2013

Fearing the worst, wishing for the best... that's my mindset for today.  Well, what's so special about today?  I get told whether or not my chemotherapy worked on stabilizing or shrinking my tumors.  This way, I can finalize my plans for the near future.  I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time.

Outcome:  the chemotherapy didn't work.  My tumors are larger in size (the official CT report isn't in so I don't have numbers to offer).

Plan:  Surgery on August 1st at Stanford Hospital... hopefully first thing in the morning.

How do I feel now?  I'm not sure.  Relief that there's a plan set in place.  Excited that I get a vacation after surgery.  Fear of the unknown.  I'm attempting to delve into my own feelings but unable to grasp what emotions are present.  Actually, I feel more blank right now.  I don't have a clear sense of my own reaction to the upcoming surgery and failure of this most recent chemotherapy round.

I do know that as I talk about my upcoming surgery, I strongly lean towards the positives.  I slide quickly from announcing my CT result, to upcoming surgery and then dwell on the benefits after surgery... mainly that the upcoming 2 months of disability from work will result in free-time to play and that this just happens to link up with my planned vacation from work in October!

Looking at my words, I get a sense that the way I talk is a defense mechanism.  Gloss over the hard to talk about unknown and just focus on the practical and positive aspects.  I know that after surgery, there will be pain, recovery will be miserable and movement will be difficult... however, that's just part of any major surgery.  This time, the doctors will have to cut me open even wider to get to the back of my liver.  Lovely.  (sorry, my sarcasm is popping out)

Honestly, I'm not looking forward to the first 2 to 3 weeks right after surgery... from my memories of two prior abdominal surgeries... recovery is not fun.  In fact, initial recovery sucks!  Nausea, pain, constant ache, fatigue, slow and careful movements... every cough is painful, every shift of position in bed is agony.  Nope!  Totally not looking forward to early August.  *deep sigh*

So this is where I am, balancing between two worlds: one beautiful and filled with hope... the other is dark, a churning pit of despair.  So how do I deal with two widely differing emotions?  To prepare for the upcoming battle...  I pray and I sleep.

Lord God, I can change my future by the decisions I make and by the attitude I choose to take.  I am determined not to run away from facing whatever comes.  Instead, Father God, please give me your strength.  Give me hope that comes only from walking with you.  Let your light and all your blessings outshine any difficulties in the coming days.  Father in Heaven... yes, I am scared.  Give me the strength to take just one step forward.  Open my eyes to see your power at work.  Give me peace knowing that you are in full control.  Settle my heart.  Renew the purpose I have in this life... to live fully for you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.