Shaped Under Fire

What date should I set to start chemotherapy?  When's the latest I can delay the tests?  May? June?  Forever?

I'm scared. 

I don't know what I'll lose this round… maybe nothing, maybe everything. In chemotherapy, there are no guarantees except that foreign chemicals are placed into the body… and this time, it’s for a clinical trial. 

There are so many things I still want to do!  I want to participate in my friends’ wedding with no issues.  I want to play in a paintball tournament again.  I want to rockclimb.  I want to hang out with friends without limitations.  I want to host a paintball event.  I want the strength to finish projects!

*Deep sigh*

Stop!  

The purpose of my life isn't in my activities or my capabilities.  I thought I already made the decision to trust in God's provision?  To live the life he’s calling me to live so that his presence will shine… to do this, I can’t do things my way.  My wanting to delay chemotherapy may be the safer and more secure route, but living for God isn’t safe.  Where’s my faith and my trust in him unless I let him lead?

Knowing God, if he wants me to do paintball, participate in a wedding, work, rockclimb… I’ll be able to do it all; chemotherapy or no chemotherapy has absolutely no say in my future.

Lord Jesus, help me completely trust in you, your power, your abilities, your timing, your love for me.  Take away the hesitation that says I don't trust you.  Take away my fear because you are greater than all your creations combined.  Give me strength to do your will and not my own.  Focus my sights on the eternal future and not the temporal. 

Father God, as I once again place my life, my future treatments, my hopes and dreams into your hands... Show me that you are greater than everything and anything!  Set the test dates, doctor appts, schedules, chemotherapy, work... All these, Lord Jesus, I let go and place into your competent hands. 

Thank you, In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

After I let go of insisting on doing things my way, all the pre-chemotherapy test dates fall easily into place; one after the other… no arguing, switching dates around, pushing to get the tests done closer together… it’s all set.  *Laughter *  Go figure… when I let God work, he does it all so easily.  There’s no way I can schedule all the tests, appointments, meetings, timing of every as well as it is now set. 

*shrug * Chemotherapy to start on May 13, 2015. 

I’m ready... I think.  *wide grin * I love a good challenge!

I’m excited to see how God will show himself.  I look forward to the physical and spiritual battles ahead knowing that the war is already won.  When I focus my eyes on my relationship with God, I am more than satisfied with this life, I love it!  Health, money, time, hobbies… none of these can replace the walk I have in Christ, the safety I have in his presence, the peace I have in his unbroken promises. 

My heart pounds with the unknown future, but I can joyfully state that I know God is in complete control; whatever happens or doesn’t happen, I get to see my amazing God in action, to personally experience his power, to undeniably feel his love.  What better life than to know the God of creation’s got my back?

See you all next time!

Love,

Kristy

Picture of my newest creation under hot flames and still not hot enough!  Eventually, I had to block the opening and use two torches... just barely got the metal hot enough to solder the silver.  =D

Living with Cancer

Tumor (Kristy’s definition): unwanted mass of useless living tissue; a glorified weed located in the body; a source of fear, pain and acknowledged mortality.

I know my CT scan was positive for tumors 4 months ago.  A large part of me is hoping that the tumors in my body would shrink.  Another part of me hopes that the tumors would disappear and never return! 

Striding down my hospital hallway, I flip through freshly printed papers.  These are the new results of my most recent CT scan with contrast.  Chest, still clear.  Good.  Abdomen… ahhh, here I go again.  Am I ready?  I don’t feel ready.  Shaking inside, I see that not only do I have more tumors, but the ones seen 4 months ago are all twice as large as before.  Wait, these tumors are almost half the size of my fist already?  More tumors than before?  Great, my third abdominal surgery was just a year and a half ago and the chemotherapy after that physically wiped me out… I do NOT want to deal with all this cancer stuff anymore!

*deep sigh* 

I’m just starting to get stronger.  I’m finally back rockclimbing and attacking the 5.10-5.11 climbs.  I no longer tremble with fatigue and physically crash so hard I cannot move the next day.  I’m getting better again! 

Do I have to lose my strength?  Do I really have to face becoming physically useless?  I don’t mind losing my hair for the third time, but will I have to give up working?  Give up paintballing?  Give up rockclimbing?  Give up driving?

My chest hurts.  My hands shake.  My vision blurs.  Once again, do I have to place my dreams on hold?  This time around, will I even get back on my feet again?  How many chemotherapy trials are enough?  How many surgeries before I choose to stop?

Father God, tears drip from my eyes as I face the potential difficulties ahead.  The last round of surgery and chemotherapy was extremely rough… it took me over a year to recover and I’m still not where I used to be.  Lord, what’s it going to be this time around?

God, I acknowledge that you are in complete control of my life, my future, my abilities… I know that even through the toughest of times, I get blessed by seeing you perform impossible miracles.  I know that when I am weakest, I notice most your strength, your love for me, your provisions, your amazing power.  Father, even as I get to see you more clearly, I’m still scared.  I hate losing control of my life.  I hate being bedridden.  I hate not being able to actively work and play.

Lord God, you know that I love the challenge of playing unique sports.  In rockclimbing, I get to enjoy the thrill of almost falling, savor the adrenaline of pushing through almost impossible spots, wallow in the sense of accomplishing a difficult goal.  With gentle balance on one outcropping to a light touch on another, I get to fly through the air, occasionally grasping handholds I’m too short to reach.  Success and failure intertwined.  Trial and error.  A twist here, backstep there… I swing my body up and over large round boulders.  Smooth transitions, dynamic leaps.  I can feel my body stretching and muscles sliding as time slows down.  Lord, the impossible becomes possible if I only try hard enough, push hard enough, let go of my fears.  Focus.  Determination.   Tender palms and achy forearms, but I know that I’m alive!  New bruises form.  Excitement.  Tension.  Pure stubborness.  I’m going to make it up or fall trying.  This is what I feel when I climb, knowing that you are besides me every step of the way.

Lord, I don’t want to lose this part of myself!

Then, Father,  there’s paintball.  I’m finally able to get back on the field, still slow, but at least I can play!  I enjoy the thrill of dodging paintballs, protecting my teammates, hunting down my opponents.  Even while breathing hard, I know that I should be able to do even more.  If I can remove the mental limitations, anything is possible!  Shouting out positions, dashing from one bunker to the next, keep my head low and gun up… as I play, satisfaction and disappointment intertwine as one game blends into another.  Lord God, because of you, I’ve learned that there’s no such thing as failure, but there’s always the opportunity to try again.  Again and again, I want to hone my body, my reflexes, my abilities.  I want to continue challenging and being challenged to grow.  I want to feel the rush of a job well done. 

God, I know that it’s only through you, that I’ve made it this far, that because of you in my life, I can confidently jump forward into the unknown… knowing that if I stray too far or push too hard, you’re there to catch me.  Father, it’s because of the security I have in you that I can so fully live my life.  Lord, because of your amazing love, I can take joy in the struggles that come my way.  Father God, thank you for giving me peace.  Thank you for guiding me in medical decisions.  Thank you, Lord God, that I am never alone.  You are my strength, my joy, my purpose.  Without you, Lord, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Lord God, thank you for letting me see your provisions.  Thank you for this period of time where I got strong enough to climb rocks and play paintball again.  Thank you for the opportunity to work with tools on fun projects and acquire many beautiful orchids!  Lord, in you, I have peace knowing that this path I walk has a purpose, that my life is not useless.  Thank you that I can continue to serve you by serving those around me.  May my walk with you bring you glory and honor.  May my attitude in good times and bad speak clearly of my relationship with you.   May your presence shine in my life and my lifestyle so clearly none can deny that you exist.

Lord, for as long as you allow it, I will continue to go all out… to work, to play, to enjoy this life to the fullest extent that you have blessed me with. 

Give me patience to wait on your timing.  Give me peace to face the challenges ahead.  Give me hope that in you, all is well.  Give me joy in your presence.  Give me strength to forge ahead.

Lord, may I never stop serving you until one day you call me to rest.  Until then, give me the heart to use all the talents and gifts you give me so that I can complete the tasks you call me to.  Lord, in this life, I choose you first.  Give me the strength to live for you first above all my own hopes and dreams.  Help me acknowledge that in walking with you, I lose out on nothing.

In Jesus’ name I give God my past, my  present, my future, amen.

​At the 2015 March CEPL tournament #1... Noel being weird.

Second Chances

"I've got a story to share!  I screwed up but God used it to spur me on in another situation the very next day.  God is truly amazing!  I'm so excited but I'm not sure who I can share this story with."

"So why don't you write the story on your blog?"

Huh?  What?  "Ummm, It's because the thought process is so Christiany and most people wouldn't be interested right?"

"You'll share this story with me... isn't that the kind of stuff you usually write about in your blog?  Your stories?"

"Oh yeah."  *sheepish grin*  I've not written a blog post that actually hit close to my heart for a while (another excuse for not posting what I have already written and saved on the side).

Somehow, publicly sharing about myself, my thoughts, my heart... it's never easy.  I feel vulnerable.   I feel scared.  *shiver*  Being authentically open is not comfortable; however, if I want my friends to know me, really know me, then I need to share what moves me, the driving force behind my choices, my thoughts, and my actions... and for me, the center of my life is Jesus Christ. 

The primary thing that gives me the resolve to write about my personal life is that God is so amazing, so real to me, so loving!  I'm so excited about what I see and what I experience that I want my friends to have a glimpse of how I think and who I really am.  The Kristy you know is tightly woven with my relationship in and with Jesus Christ.  My God is a huge part of my identity, without him by my side, I would not be the person you now know.

So here is what I hesitated, until now, to write:

"Hey Kristy, how do you manage to stay so positive with all the surgeries and chemotherapy treatments?"

"Well... I'm able to be joyful even when times are tough because I have great support through my husband, Noel, my family, my friends and my community."

Uhhhhh.... what?!?  What kind of answer is this?

Sure what I said is true, but I also completely missed the mark of why I am so content with my life, my body, and the physical hardships with cancer.  What I really want to say is "Because I know I am so loved by God, my entire attitude is based on the fact that God's got my back."

My mouth would not open.  I couldn't speak my heart.  Why?  Of all times, I got cold feet.  Fear of being judged, scared of being ignored, I could not express the one main source of light in my life... that God's personal presence in my life _is_ my key, my strength, my hope... he is my everything.

I've seen God come through impossible situations, make money where there should be none, give me strength when I could only crawl, provide to my needs without ever being asked, give me hope when life appeared hopeless... and above it all, in Christ, I have a purpose even as I lost all ability to be who I thought I was... a racer, a paintballer, a rockclimber and a physical therapist.  My identity is not in my abilities, my capabilities, my physical strength, my possessions... my identity is solidly as a child of Christ... this is my hope, my light and my reason in this life and for this life.

The greatest part of who I am and why I am the way I am comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ... and for the life of me, I could not say it.  My very heart, I hid myself  in empty words.

This blog is my second chance.  My opportunity to clearly express myself.

Now I need to practice my blogging muscles again so this one is going to stay short.

Thank you all for reading!  And a big thanks to Tracey for encouraging me to honestly share my thoughts through this blog post... I needed the extra kick.  *big hugs*

--Kristy  (^o^)/

Tiny plum blossoms, drifting under a car while leaving church.  Such small and delicate flowers, God created in beautiful detail... over and over again, I'm amazed at his creations.

(un)Bound

I'm bored.  Well, that's not true.  I just don’t want to work on any of the projects I have lined up.  *wide grin* 

Flopping backwards on my bed, I flip open my laptop.  Let’s see… what should I look for?  Clicking on one tab to another, I surf the web.  I watch a little YouTube about refractory ovens, watch metal get melted, learn more about making jewelry, watch some survival technique videos, learn how to start fires and tan leather.  Then, the next thing I find myself doing is hunting through Amazon and eBay for materials in new projects I want to start up. 

At the corner of my eye, I notice the section of recommended stuff Amazon so nicely places to entice me to buy more.  Oh hey, there’s manga here that I’ve never seen before!  *drool*  I have not read manga for a couple months now.  Surprisingly, the hard-hitting cravings I used to feel aren’t strong... more like a constant dull ache. 

Since I was about 9 or 10 years of age, I've read novels or stories for multiple hours each day.  I’ve stopped maybe a week at a time, never losing the sense of gnawing need, but fighting hard to keep away and then failing.  My longest stint of non-reading is 40 days for lent a couple years ago… but never have I experience truly being free from reading until now.  By walking closer with God and putting him first in my decisions, I feel truly free.  I have more time, more hope, more joy, more satisfaction and more peace with my life than ever before.  No more heavy sense of guilt or pounding pressure.  Yay!!!

Casually, I click on a manga I’ve never heard of.  Eyes scanning, I read the synopsis.  Clicking the next manga, I read more.  By the time I realized what was happening, my eyes and hands were already busy hunting down the next interesting story.  Even just reading the short back-cover descriptions, the cravings hit me hard.  I _need_ to read more.  I don’t want to stop reading.  I can feel the chains coiling around my heart and around my mind.  My hands automatically move, my eyes scroll right and left.  My sense of self start to disappear into a deep black pit.  Stop.  STOP!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to be back where I was before!

The deeper I dive into my cravings, the larger the monster inside me grows.  Hunger.  Need.  A senseless wave of compulsion.  Self-hatred.  Loss of control.  I feel defeated, enslaved.

I have two choices; I can choose to feed the gnawing hunger inside and temporarily calm the thrumming in my head; or, I can choose to seek Christ and take comfort in the fact that while I dwell in his presence, I am already satisfied and the cravings can’t get to me.  In the presence of Jesus Christ, I can find peace, freedom, and gain the choice in what to do with my time, my mind, my heart.

God, HELP!!! 

Please bring the curtain of safety down over my head and my heart.  Lock my eyes and my hands away from feeding this raving monster inside.  I’m scared of losing control again.  I don’t want to feel bound to reading in order to satisfy the endless hole in myself.  Lord Jesus, please fill the void that draws me to seek satisfaction away from you.  Please calm the grasping, churning, turmoil inside my body. I forgot the bondage and pain of being drawn into reading; reading past the point of enjoyment and into a prison of hopelessness, loss of control, guilt, and fear.

Lord, bring me close to your side.  Protect me from myself.  Teach me how to enjoy reading again without being bound by it. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Here's a picture of my co-worker and I attempting to walk in a sample 10XL pair of scrub pants:

Sun Stand Still

"Sun, stand still at Gibeon, and moon, in the Valley of Aijalon."  And the sun stood still, and the moon stopped... Joshua 10: 12-13

Ohhhhh... I'd love to see God in action like that!  What kind of prayer would it take to see the impossible happen... to see God come through?  I know God will answer as I pray in alignment with his promises so that his power and glory are demonstrated.  So... what should I pray for?  What _can_ I pray for that would bring God honor, demonstrate his power, and be in alignment with his promises?

Father God, I want that!  I want to see you in action.  I want to see my own version of the sun standing still at my work.  I want to see impossible things happen today so I can have more crazy God-stories to tell!

Thinking of what to pray for... still thinking...ah well, time to see my patient.

“Room five please.  Sorry, we’ve only got this room left.  Would you mind climbing up onto this mat today?  I know it’s a little high, but I have a little step-stool here you can use.  You okay up there?  I need to go grab some supplies so stay up there and don't fall off.”

This is ridiculous!  To ask a patient to climb up onto a chest-high mat and then ask them not to fall off?  I know that when we move into the new building, we get new equipment.  I know that nothing big is being ordered because it'll just be wasted once we move.  When we move... it was supposed to be in 2013, then summer of 2014, now early 2016?  Who knows when we'll move!  All I know is that right now, equipment isn't working and the risk of injury to staff and to patients rise as time passes.

Frustrated and annoyed, I pray:

God, this situation sucks!  Everyone’s working hard, but the lack of working treatment rooms really slows down the whole process.  We’ve got 6 treatment rooms right now, but two have mats that don’t work and one room is small so that treating the bottom of a patient’s foot is really really difficult!  To top it off, the office sink is clogged.  Grrrrrrr… God, can you just fix something?  Even one more room with a working mat would make all the difference… although, new mats would be even better!  *deep sigh*  I don’t know what to do about the sink; we’ve already asked for it to be looked at, but the process is so slow.  God, I’m fed up… can you just do something today?  Anything!

After lunch:

“Everyone, we can’t use room one for now.”

What?!?  A completely unusable room?  What in the world is going on? 

I watch a co-worker grab tape and place a sign over the office sink: “DO NOT USE.”  Well, okay, I know that this office sink is clogged.  Someone came earlier to unclog it, but that didn’t work so he was supposed to come back later.  *shrug*  Guess the sink got more clogged?  But what’s that got to do with room one?

Curious, I take a peek.  Black-colored water is steadily dripping from the sink and pooling over the trash containers, over the floor, and across the mat’s feet.  What in the world is happening?!?  One side of the room is coated in black-watery stuff!  Is that coffee grounds from the clogged sink?  Argh, I guess someone decided to wash their hands in the clogged office sink and because this treatment room’s sink shares the same pipe, the water evened itself out and poured out into our treatment room; one treatment room down... that leaves 3 working rooms and 2 rooms with broken mats.  God, what in the world are you doing?  I thought I prayed for stuff to get fixed, not more broken and messed up!

*deep sigh*

“What in the world are we going to do?”

“Why don’t we move the working mat from the flooded room one into room five where the mat doesn’t work?”

“Great idea!  Who wants to help me move the mats?”

Looking around, everyone in my dept is either super busy or injured.  Disappointed, I’m ready to give up.

“Why don’t you call some of the techs to help?

Couple phone calls later, the working mat in room one is moved into room five and room five’s broken mat is moved into room one.  YAY!!!  Praise the Lord!  That makes four completely working rooms and only two messed-up rooms.  Hurray!!!

Father God, sorry for doubting you.  Yes, you answered my prayer for an extra working treatment room, but the way in which the whole process occurred was totally unexpected!  I never dreamed that stuff would get so messed-up and crazy as the process you choose to work through in answer to my prayer.

God, thank you for all the support at work throughout the moving/fixing process… that everyone stayed calm so I stayed sane.  Thank you for the words of wisdom from co-workers, for fellow staff members not in our department willing to drop everything and come help, for the decrease in number of patients who showed up for their appointments so that the lack of rooms did not cause a stir.  Thank you for the timing of everything going wrong and even the timing of when things got fixed.  Thank you that the issue escalated so much that we potentially may get new mats to replace the two broken ones!  Thank you that the both the sink in the office and in treatment room one got completely fixed and are now even cleaner than before.  Hurray!!!

God, you listen to my silly complaints and you answer my crazy prayers… but how you go about doing so is completely unexpected.  *wide grin*  Lord, thank you for coming through for me and for my department.

In Jesus’ name, I give praise to my God, a God who cares enough to listen and to provide, amen.

What do I dare pray for next?  How will I see God answer?  =D  I'm excited!

So what did I learn?  Be careful how I pray!  Asking in the name of Jesus so that God will be glorified… God will answer, but I find he does it in his timing and in his way.  *wry smile*

Take care!  Hope you all are enjoying the increase in sunshine!

*big hugs* --Kristy

Me: Kristy

“No, it was your fault.” 

*shock*  Did I just say that?  “Sorry, Noel.  That wasn’t true.”

“You’re tired.  Lie down.”

Obediently, I lie down, close my eyes, and review the last couple of minutes.  What happened?  First I was happily reporting the fact that I finished my taxes for my jewelry business.  During the report, I reflected on how terminology can totally affect the outcome of what numbers go where.  Next thing I realize, I’m blaming Noel for wording something a certain way so that entering numbers on our upcoming tax return would result in paying more taxes. 

Fact #1, that last statement is totally untrue.  Fact #2, Money that belongs to the government should go to the government.  Fact #3, God’s always provided enough money in all situations… so why try to be stingy now?

*deep sigh* 

My heart just isn’t in the right place.  I don’t like this part of me! 

As I look at myself, I see a lot of dirt:  rough edges, self-righteousness, pride, self-entitlement, hatred, irritation, greed, enslavement to situations or activities… so much negative stuff.  The harder I look at myself, the more filth I see.  I really hate this selfish, money-grubbing, finger-pointing part of myself.  By myself and inside myself, I’m not a “good person” at all. 

In John 15: 4-5, Jesus says:

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

So… What kind of life results do I truly want? 

I want to be better than I am.  I want more than this internal filth that permeates my thoughts, my actions, my heart.  In my life, I only feel completely safe, completely clean, completely whole when I dwell in the presence of God.  I want more of the goodness, the sweetness, the joyful peace that I can only find when I “abide” in Jesus Christ.  I want Jesus as my role model, my end goal, the guide to my heart, my words, and my soul because I know he is better than anything I can attain by my own power.

As Jesus states, I can only be like him if I stick to him.  I want to walk so closely with Jesus and match my heart with his heart so that all my dirtiness washes away.  My soul is already cleansed through Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross… but I continue to roll myself in mud and run to God once I realize that I’m dirty.  *wry grin*  I feel like a little kid who runs off to have fun, only to be grossed out by how dirty I got and so run back crying to my parent for warmth, security, soothing comfort and cleaning. 

To avoid straying onto my own path is impossible, but when I truly seek God, nothing is impossible for God… even the change of my heart and my attitude.  That’s what I want…  I want the impossible!  I want to be satisfied with what I have.  I want to focus on real issues and not get side-tracked by every little thing that pops into my head.  I want to take joy regardless of what this world throws at me.  I want to share the love that I’ve already received.  I want to be at peace even in the most stressful of situations because I know that God is in complete control. 

Lord, you’ve always provided: money, time, ways to deal with tough situations, strength… on and on and on.  What really do I have to worry about when I’ve got you by my side? 

Lord Jesus, I thank you for saving me from myself.  Thank you that you first loved me so that I can learn to love like you.  Thank you for calling me on my faults so that I can grow past them.  Thank you for never just leaving me alone to live by my own set of rights and wrongs.  Thank you for being a living example of what it means to follow God’s command.  Thank you for taking my burdens when I can’t carry any more.

Because of Jesus, I am saved, my wrongs already forgiven.  Continue to change my heart to see you, to know you, to abide in you.  I don’t like myself much when I stray from your side, so please keep me close.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel taking me home after our friend's wedding ceremony:

Chains of My Life

Delete.

The word resounds over and over again in my head with an irrevocable sense of finality.

I did it.  I really erased the manga app off of my iPad.  Years of reading, hundreds of stories bookmarked, collections stored… all gone with a single touch of my finger.

I know I can restore the app.  I know the names of some of my favorite stories… but never in my life did I ever dream that I would remove my own free access to thousands of stories.  Hours into days, days into weeks, and weeks into years of ingrained habitual reading… completely stopped in one night. 

By the grace of God, I can state that I want to choose Jesus Christ as the most important treasure in my life.  The hole that cannot be filled by my own actions, my own worth, my own thoughts… I crave the glimpses of complete fulfillment, of overwhelming joy, of deep peace… and I have only ever experienced these things to such a great extent when I hold Jesus Christ first in my heart; everything else pales in comparison.

However, I still crave the safety of mindless reading, of burying myself in fantasy worlds and in impossible adventures.  But I know that in order to gain the best, I need to let go of all my seconds.  I need to release my death grip on parts of my life that aren’t good for me… at least not to the extremes I take things.  Accepting God as my main treasure is an all or nothing proposition.  I cannot serve myself first and say that I truly serve God as Lord. 

My original intention was to nix my insane amount of reading and fill in at least a small part of the time with growing my relationship with God: understanding more of his character, knowing more of his power, dwelling in his presence.  Did it work?  Maybe a little… but honestly, I find myself struggling with new issues.  Instead of reading manga, I find myself using the time to delve into learning more about jewelry-making, editing and posting jewelry pictures on Instagram, tweaking my Etsy shop… and even more than these incessant pressures… what catches me off guard the most is online shopping. 

Shopping?  Yup, feels like I haven’t bought stuff in years!  Sure it’s great to shop for Christmas gifts online and finding great deals is a fun challenge; however, I catch myself feeling this pressure, this _need_ to buy things, not later, but right now! 

In whatever I do, I find myself always trying to fill this internal hole of need, excitement, and of challenge.  I have experienced that nothing comes close to walking with Christ, but at the same time, a huge part of me absolutely refuses.  Knowing the best and reaching for that best is difficult when there are so many other things which can provide a quick fix of instant gratification.  I frequently find myself accepting second-best, not because I truly want what it can give me, but because it’s easier.

Following Christ is scary: it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it requires facing the ugliness inside myself and changing.  Following Christ requires truth.  It requires choices that aren’t always rational.  Following Christ can make me look really stupid.

All for what? 

Is having a personal relationship with God that much of a treasure it trumps everything else? 

The answer for myself is “Yes.”  To me, God is worth my everything and more.

I want to personally enjoy the presence of an all-powerful God who can create the universe and still know me.  I want to be completely enveloped in his unconditional love.  I want to be fully accepted no matter what I do or say or look.  I want to experience strength not of my own.  I want to have joy unrelated to any circumstance.  I want to know peace that in this lifetime is not of this world. 

Father God, I am unworthy, but you still love me.  I run, but you still seek after me.  I hide, but you still find me.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for letting me experience your power.  Thank you for letting me sit in your presence.  Thank you for showing me that you are real.  Thank you for forgiving me even as I make mistake after mistake after mistake.  Thank you for being consistent in character and for always keeping your word even when I don’t keep mine.  Thank you for being gentle with me. 

Lord, there is nothing I have that you want.  There is nothing I can do for you that you cannot do even better… so Jesus, thank you for the free gift of your life that redeemed mine.  Help me honor you in the choices I make, this life I live, the attitude I have and the actions I perform… keep my eyes fixed on you and hold my heart close to yours.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

If I’m too lazy to write again before Christmas:

Merry Christmas everyone!!! 

Be blessed this season to experience the glory and peace of Christ.  Let’s all joyfully celebrate that because Jesus Christ came to this world, we are made perfect by the very acceptance of his gift, his life in place of ours. 

Picture of Audrey and I at our last South Bay Game and Dinner Night on Nov 25th: