Darkness Inside

Tangling and twisting, my emotions churn and knot within my chest.  Roiling and tensing, coiling tighter and tighter, the spring inside me is ready to snap.  Give me an excuse, any excuse, to lash out, to vent.  Frantically, I attempt to patch up my walls.  Dark and black, thick ooze seeps through.  Unpleasant stuff.  Bad stuff.

I hate this part of myself.  Dirty.  Ugly.  Angry.  Unreasonable.  My walls are ready to crumble.  I'm so tired of fighting myself, holding myself back, this monster inside.  I'm loosing.  I'm seeing more and more black along the wall.  There's a stench, an evil in myself I try to bury: pride, self-righteousness, feelings of entitlement, stubborness, inflexibility, anger, distrust, irritation.  Bubbling and churning, even more of this distastful black stuff appears as each minute flows by.

I'm tired.  I'm broken.  I'm loosing this battle against myself.  I'm falling, burning out of control.  My emotions are struggling, winning against reason.  I can sense a bite in my words.  I'm becoming inflexible in my thinking.  My ability to problem-solve is quicky disappearing.  My focus is non-exsistant.  Small issues appear as all-encompassing, ground-shaking problems.  Quivering at my own lack of control, I give myself a mental shake-down. 

Rest.  I need rest.  Peace.  Quiet.  Calm.  I want to crawl into a hole.

Burying my head, I want to hide from the world!  Too much stimulus.  Too much noise.  Too much information.  Clasping my hands over my ears, I find myself rocking back and forth, back and forth.  Is someone there?  Go away.  Leave me alone.  No, I'm not lonely.  No, don't touch me or I'll bite.  No, I don't need words of comfort or understanding.  Go away and thank you.

Focus.  I've got to rebuild my walls.  I cannot let this darkness invade.  Beware.  Watch what I say.  Don't talk too much.  Careful what I do.  Withdraw.  Hide.  I need to imprision this monster inside.  Every mis-step, each mistake... there are only so many times and for so many things I can appologize for later.  For now, I need to win this fight.  I'm loosing.

Lord Jesus, I fall so short of you.  I'm no where near able to emulate your example: your love for others, your gentleness of spirit, your humility.  I'm tired of building walls and failing.  I'm tired of feeling this nasty darkness tainting my spirit.  I'm tired of struggling in a never-ending battle in which I will never win.

Jesus, save me.  Save me from drowning in my own vileness.  Cleanse my spirit and replace it with yours.  Be my comfort and my peace when I myself have none.  Wash away this darkness.  Heal my body and my spirit.  Give me rest that can only be found in your presence.  Renew my heart, my mind, my soul in you and you alone.  When people look at me, may they see you instead.  Help me be more than I am capable of being by myself.  Fix my eyes upon you, Jesus, and not on myself. 

Father God, thank you for the hope you give through Jesus.  Thank you for cleaning me of the dirt I've once again accumulated inside.  Thank you for the peace in my heart.  Thank you for the joy that I have when I seek you for rest.  Hold me in your arms.  Sing me gently to sleep. 

When I awake, refresh my spirit and my body so that I may once again serve you; not out of my own abilities, but through your Spirit.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

And for those reading this blog: may you be blessed this day with the Lord's spirit of true peace, real love, inexplainable joy and everlasting hope.

Thank you for reading!  *super big hugs*

Playing with the camera:

Port Away!

I’m so excited!

God, I’m finally getting this port out of my chest today.  I ask that you provide the same person who placed this port in my body to be the same person who takes it out.  I ask that you help the procedure go smoothly.  Guide the medical staff to hear and remember that I only want local anesthesia and not to be sedated (recovery time takes longer).  Help my body to not have any negative reactions and please provide minimal scarring over time.  Father God, also can you provide so that I don’t cough during the procedure?  I think I’m coming down with a cold, but I don’t want to delay the removal of this port; please manage any coughing or symptoms that I may have.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Shiver.  That's cold!

A sponge containing a bright orange chemical runs across my upper chest.  Left to right and then left again.  Excess fluid trickles down the outside of my left arm.  Up my neck, wet and slighty sticky, I feel the sponge coating everywhere and anywhere around my potential surgical site.  The port’s on the left side of my chest.  Wait, why in the world is this lady applying the antiseptic cleaner all the way to my right chest?  *mental shrug*  Whatevers, at least they’re letting me stay awake for this procedure!

Surprisingly weighty, a large blue paper and plastic sheet is placed on my abdomen.  Unfolding the cover, a medical personnel extends the sheet up and over my head.  Now, all I see is a lot of blue.  A large hand reaches under the cover and something is removed.  Firmly pressing down, I feel sticky adhesive plastic applied to my left chest.  I’m guessing that this is a sterile blue sheet with an adhesive window for the surgical procedure.  Crumpling upwards, the blue is lifted away from my face so I can peek out and breathe.  Too bad I can’t see anything… they have my head turned to the right as they work on my left chest. 

Bummer.

Stab.  Prick.  I feel the needle injecting lidocaine into my left chest area. Bit by bit, I feel the pricks less and less.  Quiet.  A slight tugging sensation.  What’s going on?  Oh, the scalpel is cutting an incision over the port.  A little discomfort then a small tug… guess that’s the port coming out.

Stitch.  Stitch.  Stitch.  Dermal glue.  Finished!  The blue drape is pulled away from my face, chest and body; rolled into a massive ball and thrown into the garbage.  Procedure complete!

Hurray!

Back in the recovery room: a quick check-up, change of clothes, paperwork signing and final care instructions.  I just remember nodding my head to instructions about ice for the swelling, use of pain meds, how to shower and care for my incision… in one ear and out the other.  I have no intention of icing the incision because excessive icing can delay wound closure (inflammation is not always bad when it comes to healing).  Pain meds… I have no intention of taking any, I can easily distract myself by doing something to keep myself occupied (plus, I don't trust my body with meds right now... any meds are likely to de-stabilize my body).  Shower?  The dermal glue is present so the wound area is sealed so long as I don’t pick at it, it’ll come off in a week or two.  Done, now I can finally eat!  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for providing such accommodating medical staff to my multiple requests and endless questions.  Thank you that I was able to get my port removed even faster than the original scheduled time and out a lot quicker than the staff expected.  Thank you for managing the pain and swelling so that I can basically ignore the incision site.  Lord, even though it seems insignificant, thank you that I can wear my normal bras again without the strap aggravating my port site.  Thank you that soon, I won’t have to worry about accidently scratching the skin over a protruding port.  Thank you that during the surgical procedure, I did not need to cough at all!

Lord Jesus, I want to go back to work again!  I worked full-time 4 days last week, was off this Monday for the port removal and now have been off sick from work with a cold.  Please heal my body, my throat and clear my nose so I can breathe easier, talk clearly, stop hacking and not sniffle.

In Jesus’ name I give thanks for these extra days of rest and increased physical stability, amen.

Just wanted to say that God is really awesome!  This cold of mine was delayed until _after_ my port removal.  I also celebrated my brother, Winston's, birthday (on his birthday) Monday evening with my entire family!  Yes, having a cold sucks... and I feel bad about not being able to go in to work... but I'm getting better again.  Can't wait to start serving again in my workplace!  The energy, excitement, constant adaptation and purposeful work... it's awesome.  I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to serve in such a great work envirmonment.  I raise my hands in praise to my Lord Jesus for so many many awesome blessings!

May you be blessed this week to see how great and fulfilling work and life and family  truly is.  Love ya, Kristy.  =D

Winston's birthday celebration with my family:

Breaking Through the Clouds: Returning to Work

  11:50pm

                                       12:15am

        12:23am                                                                            12:36am

                                                                 12:40am

                      1:00am

When am I going to fall asleep?  I crawled into bed about 11pm, but time seems to slide by and I'm still awake.

1:16am

                                         1:32am

I’m super excited about returning to work.  I don’t want to be late for my first day back… but at the same time, I want a good night’s rest!

Father God, I’m super super hyped about this opportunity to return to work.  Sure in the back of my head, there’s this tiny doubt… can I make it through the day?  But Father, I see you make so many things possible, time after time… that I know tomorrow (or later today) will be great!  I may get tired, but I also know that you will provide.  Plus, I’ve got these awesome friends at work that I can lean on if anything gets out of hand.  I'm not alone. 

God, I believe that you are in full control of my life, my body, my capabilities.  So into your all-powerful hands, I give my work, my time, my attitude.  Father, whatever you set before me at work, help me to serve to the best of my abilities.  Help me to pick up the computer documentation quickly.  Guide me so there are no mistakes in my choice of treatments.  Help me find stuff fairly quickly and efficiently.  Make my brain alert and flexible to handle whatever comes my way.  Brush the cobwebs off my hands so that my unna boots, wound debridment, dressing applications are all appropriate.  Provide situations where I can help my co-workers and I can be helped, that we can enjoy work as a team.  Give me a “can-do” attitude, a joyful smile, energy to make it through the full work day and peace in situations out of my control.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

********

The sun is rising.  Blush-pink clouds are surrounded by a light blue sky.  This morning is chilly.  The wind bites my cheeks with a cold snap.  Shivering, I pull my thin jacket tighter around my body.  Sharp light from the sun pierces my gaze as rays of light stream through graying clouds.  The sharp scent of pine wafts through the air as my shoes crunch fallen pine needles.  On the ground, clumps of dirt are scattered across the concrete from the fenced construction area. 

This is my workplace.  This is my other home away from home.  I'm finally back and I'm early.  *smirk*  So much for worrying about missing my first day of work; not happening.

Thank you, Father God, for stabilizing my body today.  Thank you for giving me the energy to complete work and drive home alert.  Thank you for providing a quick response from the IT Help Desk so I can reset my password for access into the computer system.  Thank you for allowing me to help with an evaluation and the detailed paperwork associated with it prior to seeing my own eval for the day.  Thank you for the opportunity to dive in and experience a full range of wound services including the change to apply an unna boot, 4-layer wrap, wound VAC... to perform sharp debridement and for jogging my brain so that I can play with a combination of wound dressings.  Father, thank you for not letting my mind be fuzzy today, for helping me assign patients onto therapist schedules, being able to complete treatment documentations, manage my time/resources, field phone calls… so many big and little things.  Thank you, Father God, for the pacing of today's treatments so that I did not feel overwhelmed.

Father, I thank you for providing for more than I know! 

Working today felt so right, like a breath of fresh air after being trapped for way too long.  Being able to work is such a huge blessing!  Thank you for renewing my hope and attitude towards the future, for giving me strength to keep moving forward, for so much loving support.  Lord God, you give me everything I need and more.  Thank you for this life, for my friends, for giving me the ability to continue performing as a physical therapist.

In Jesus’ name I raise my hands in praise, amen.

After the Storm

Huddling tight on my side, I grasp my pillow hard.  Fingers dig into soft flesh; nails turn white.  Curled around a warm water bottle, blankets pushing me down, I gently rock back and forth.  Muscles rigid, trembling with tension.  Panting, gasping, short puffs of air pass in and out of my mouth.  I feel nauseous.  Waves of pain wash over me.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  God, help!  I can barely think; no coherent words come to mind... Help, God, please help me.

Barely sane, I want to cry, but no tears come forth.  I want to scream, but I don't want to wake Noel.  Biting my lips, I quietly twist and turn...  Something, anything, in an attempt to feel better...  To make time flow by faster.  Ride the waves,  go above my body's sensations.  Slowly, I pry my fingers away from my body.  Kristy, take a deep breath.  Fresh air.  Clean air.  Relax.  I command myself to soften tesnse muscles.  Calm.  I feel so cold.  The pain is gone.  Rest.  Prepare.  I anticipate a wave a pain in 8-10 minutes, 15 at the most... this seems to be the current pattern.

The knowledge of impending pain looms above my head.  My muscles still shake from fatigue.  I'm approaching my 5th hour of this silent battle... This cycle of pain and relief feels like a never-ending circle of torture.

I knew the risks.  I know the consequences.  I thought I was stronger, steadier.  I felt healthier.  I forgot the pain.  I forgot the physical battles.  I forgot the mental struggles.  I was normal again.  Well, I thought I was normal for this past week, but tonight is really hitting me hard, harder than usual.

*deep sigh*

What risk?  Exercise. 

Yesterday, I performed some light exercises.  15 minutes of aerobic side-steps, pumping my arms and swaying my hips.  After that short 15 minutes, my muscles felt fine, a little floppy, but not super fatigued.  My overall energy depleted, but I thought only for that one night.  Wrong again.  I forgot that refilling my energy reserves takes a long time... that my body is very inefficient.  Recovery takes a long time and I tend to expend my energy without calculating my reserves.

Have you ever exerted yourself so much that your muscles tremor and shake?  The resulting movements during that phase of fatigue are jerky and uncoordinated.  Well, that's me right now. 

I've learned through trial and error that all physical functions take energy.  Eating, digesting, breathing, sitting, standing... these daily acitivities do not even include running, lifting, cleaning or the thousand-and-one things I used to execute without consideration.  Now?  When I get too tired, my muscles spasm.  I have conscious control over my limbs, the muscles I use when I breath, how I position myself to maximize my energy recovery... but I cannot control the thumping of my heart, the automatic digestion after I eat... these organs require energy as well.

That jerky, uncoordinated muscle activity is occuring inside as my body attemtps to digest food: muscles clash and twist, over-contract, absorption becomes inefficent... my recovery of energy slows down even more.  I unintentionally create a  vicious cycle of energy depletion and pain with out-of-control internal muscle contractions.

Only ever when I'm physically tired do I hurt so much.  Sad huh?  Who ever would've thought that my physical limitations are so strict?  What kind of physical therapist can I be if I fatigue so quickly that 15 minutes of moderate activity takes 2 days to recover?  Then add in the recovery time for the pain and lack of sleep... 3 days?  Too long.

Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit... What am I supposed to do?  I plan to start work next Tuesday, but I feel so broken.  If it's just fatigue, no problem, I can easily push through.  However, this combination of fatigue and the follow-up hours of pain... Not so fun.  I don't have a clear scale to balance my energy in and outs.  I hate this physical sensation of pain and helplessness.

God, give me strength, wisdom and courage to keep trying.  I don't want to stay weak.  I don't want to avoid activities just because it may result in pain.  Father, I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm so tired.  Give me rest, comfort, warmth, peace.  It's now 6am in the morning... Can you please help me sleep?  No more pain please.  I don't want to struggle anymore.  Let me get away from this body... Just for a little bit, okay?

******************

Thank you, Lord for giving me 2 hours of sleep before having to pop out of bed.  Thank you for the warm rest, relaxed muscles and significant decrease in pain.  This discomfort that woke me up, it's normal, this is nothing I can't handle.  But Lord, thank you for being beside me and getting me through earlier!  I'm so happy the worst is over and my body can continue to settle back towards whatever normal I have.  Thank you for blessing me with this body that can stabilize!  I complain that I can't do much, but that's not true.  Lord, you really enable me to do a lot!  I can stand (if I don't exercise) without having my legs fold from under me.  I can sit 8 hours in a chair without drooping.  I can see muscle outlines again.  Overall, I feel more energetic than I have in a long long time.

Thank you, Lord Jesus for giving me a body that can still heal, that can still function, that I can enjoy life with.  Thank you for a clear CT scan and no more chemotherapy (for now).  Thank you for giving me a wonderfully supportive husband, loving family and true friends.  I give praise to my Father God in Heaven for so many blessings: for joy that isn't based on circumstance, for hope in the future through the loving sacrifice of my Lord Jesus Christ, for getting me through one storm at a time.

May you be blessed with peace of spirit and a joy-filled life. 

I can't wait to get back to work next week!!!  See you next week!  =D

Karen asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.  I'm honored!

Watching Over Me

“I can go ask.”

Huh?  Who said that?  No one’s immediately around me.  Scanning farther around me, my eyes fall on two people I’ve never met before.  Maybe they had a question?  Smiling at them, they smile back.  No other response.  I probably heard wrong.

Continuing onwards, I head towards a nearby bench to greet a bunch of boys, each busy playing on their handheld device.  Every step I take, I feel a tugging.  A tiny voice in my heart is saying “Go, talk to those two people.”  I don’t want to.  “Go talk to them.”  Don’t wanna!  Stubbornly, I walk past the two people I’ve never met.  They’re busy in a conversation with each other; anyways, why should I bother them? 

As I give each boy a hug, the tugging gets stronger.  “Go talk to them.”  Argh!  Glancing over my shoulder, the two people look fine.  They’re not looking around… in fact, they're busy eating lunch.  I don’t want to disturb them.

"Go."

Pause.  I finally stop.

Excuses and more excuses.  If God’s going to be so insistent on calling me over to talk to these people… why am I so stubbornly resisting?  Dang it, I hate being pulled out of my comfort zone.  I prefer to shy away from people I don’t know.  God, can’t you just call someone else to go?

A sense of comfort.  A reminder: I said if God calls, I’ll follow.  God can call anyone he wants, but he chose to call me for a reason.  This tugging sensation isn’t disappearing.  Stronger and stronger I feel the pull.

*deep sigh*  Who am I to say “no” to God?

Fine, God.  Yes, yes… you’re calling so I’ll go.  I don’t know what to say or what to do, but you gotta lead this conversation okay?  You be in control because beyond saying “Hi,” I have nothing else.  Father God, you know I hate starting conversations.  I’m scared.  I don’t have the words.  I hate interrupting… so you better lead! 

Deep breath in and slowly out.

Lord Jesus, give me the heart to love these people as you love them.  I follow you in your footsteps.  Lord, you talked to tons of people, got placed in situations where you were not appreciated.  Here at church, this is my home turf.  I’m safe.  Give me your comfort, your peace, your courage as I intentionally approach these two people.  I don’t know them, but you do.  Open my eyes and my ears to hear what these people really have to say.  If they really do need help, give me wisdom to help at the root of the issue… to not just hear their words, but to hear their heart.  If this is your will, help me bring them your love.

A couple of steps.  I’m already here.  Standing with the sun shining, my shadow falls across the table.  Looking up, the two people stare at me.  Pasting a smile on my face, gentling the thumping of my heart, I gaze first into the lady’s eyes and then into the man’s.  “Hi, my name is Kristy.  Are you new here?”

The tugging finally stops.  I am where God wants me; right here, right now, participating in this conversation.  Relief.  Gentleness.  A soothing sense of comfort.

“Ah, so you were jumping around and dancing so much last night that your knee hurts to walk.  That really sucks that you have to walk long distances to get food from local churches and shelters.  Can I take a look at your knee?  Mind if I touch?  You’ve got a little bit of swelling here… do you mind if I try a taping method that may help relieve some pain?  It may not stick well because you have some hair here.  If the taping works, great!  If it doesn’t… *shrug* At least we tried it right?  Here, let me grab you some ice from the kitchen.  That feels so much better huh?  Make sure you take small steps with lots of rest BEFORE your knee starts complaining; otherwise, the swelling will build up fast and you’ll be in more pain.”

God, you are really amazing.  Even as I struggle against obeying you, you patiently and insistently call.  You didn’t give up on me.  You love me and you know me: my wants, my needs, my desires.  You also love this married couple enough to bring us together so that all three of us are blessed.  The man’s leg was hurting, his wife was worried… they didn’t know what to do or where to turn.  If I didn’t listen to you, I could so easily pass by on your gift: the provision of this meeting, the joy in serving, the laughter in conversation, the deep peace of being loved by you, the comfort of healing.

Father, your timing is impeccable.  Looking back, I can see exactly how you orchestrated this meeting, laid out all the tools… when you lead, amazing things happen.  Thank you that you didn’t let me pass on this opportunity.  Thank you for pushing at me so much that I couldn’t ignore your calling.  Thank you for providing this situation where I can actively use my knowledge to help.  Thank you for this chance to bring peace, healing and joy to others and to myself.

Lord Jesus, thank you for being my role model.  Thank you that you served me first.  You know exactly what it’s like to step out of your comfort zone.  Lord, you love people so much you placed yourself out there where you got ridiculed, suffered hardships, got betrayed… I’ve not even experienced a fraction of what you’ve gone through.  Who am I to complain?  To say “no” when you call?

Give me a heart to obey, to emulate Jesus, to listen to your calling without digging in my feet.  Lord, I want your blessings… so soften my heart to see your provisions, to follow your guidance, to not be so stubborn in protecting myself and my own selfish comforts.  Lord, you’ve got a greater plan in mind and I want to see you in action.  I want to be a part of your story… but a huge part of me is scared.  I continually resist when you call.  Thank you for being patient with me, for not giving up on me.  Keep teaching me.  Keep calling me.  Keep growing me.

In Jesus’ name, I ask for more blessings, more stories to tell, more love for others in my heart.  Amen.

I'm starting to get lazy and my blogs are coming out later and later.  Please pray for these things:

1.  Time and focus to write me blog and not delay... as well as situations, thoughts and experiences to write about.

2.  Plan to go back to work on April 1st... my body still acts up (not as bad as before), so please pray for strength, stability and that I can wake up early enough to get to work before 7:30am!

3.  I may be getting a cold, got a stuffy nose... please pray that I get all better quick.  There's still lots of stuff I want to do!

4.  I intend to exercise and get stronger, I haven't yet... please pray for motivation, time and focus.

Thanks for reading and all your support!  *super big hug*

Playing with my goddaughter, Maddie:

New Information

“Here, this is for you.”

“What is it?  The packet’s really thick!  Oh… something from Stanford.  Hmmmm, no one told me to expect any packages from them.”  *shrug*

Tearing the bulky envelope open, I pull out a thick sheaf of papers.  Huh?  My name.  At least I know this information is for me.  Flip.  Flip.  Quick scan.  What?  Huge amount of hard-core medical terminology… something about a gene and clinical trial?  Okay.  Back up.  Front page.  What does it really say?

Date of Collection: 01 August 2013 (my most recent abdominal surgery date)

Specimen Site: Liver

Specimen Received: 22 January 2014 (probably sent for sampling after stopping chemotherapy)

Report Date: 24 February 2014 (about when I found out I may trial another type of chemotherapy)

Genomic Alternation Identified: PTCH1 loss exons 1-2 (gene sequence missing a segment which means that something in my cells isn't being properly regulated, possibly leading to the cancerous growths)

Therapy Associated with Potential Clinical Benefit: Vismodegib, FDA approved for use in basal cell carcinoma

Clinical Trials: 2

Taking some time to assimilate the information, I finally understand.  This packet of papers state that there is a known genetic alteration in the given sample of my tumor.  Furthermore, there is a chemotherapy medication with the potential to affect cells with this particular altered gene.  The medication’s goal would be to inhibit the mutated genetic pathway, potentially causing a slow down or even stopping my abnormal cancerous growths... maybe even with the potential to halt all my tumor formations.  Yay!

So, putting all the information together, if my scans ever come out positive for more tumors, I will likely be placed into one of these two available clinical trials.  At the same time, even though these trials are phase I, meaning just starting the testing phase for my type of cancer, the medication is already commonly in use for another type of cancer.  Hurray!  The side effects are already known.  The dosage already has an acceptable range of effectiveness (even though it’s for another type of cancer).  This option isn’t horrible.  In fact, even though this chemotherapy drug isn’t guaranteed to work… It’s definitely a better chance!

Lord God, thank you that my doctor sent a tumor sample in for genetic testing.  Thank you for guiding the testing process so that my doctors and I have a better grasp of what may be wrong.  Thank you for a potential course of action if or when my cancer becomes visible.

Lord, thank you also that through blood sampling, I now know that my vitamin B2 levels are low.  Since I started taking vitamin B2 supplements these last two days, my body has re-stabilized!  Hurray!

Little bit by little bit, I feel that I’m getting a better grasp at controlling my body… it’s actions and it’s reactions.  Father God, I lift your name in praise for enabling me to work with my doctors to figure out the new complexities of my body.  Whenever I feel hopeless or stuck, Father, you open new doors, provide more information, offer new approaches to my care.

Lord, I can’t wait to get better, go back to work and have lots of energy to enjoy the beautiful outside weather!  I offer up my praise, my heart-felt gratitude at your mercy.  Thank you, Lord God, for your consistent character, demonstration of love towards me and your power through impeccable timing.

Because of Jesus, I can pray directly to my Father in Heaven. Thank you for making me who and what I am. Amen.

Honor & Respect

“Hey, Kristy, can I talk to you for a sec?”

My eyes open just a little wider.  Uh oh, I see a very serious look.  This conversation isn’t going to be an easy one is it?  Drawing a quiet and slow breath, I attempt to prepare myself.  My shoulders are tense.  Relax, this isn’t a fight.  I know when a topic is not to my liking, my automatic response is a defensive attitude.  When my guard goes up, I can’t hear what’s really being said.  My self-protection mechanism really doesn’t get me anywhere.  If I don’t consciously lower my internal walls, I’ll waste this opportunity.  *sigh*  Opportunity for what?  I don’t know.  I hate difficult conversations.  I’m scared of the unknown elements and landmines.  Can I run?  How about I hide in a corner and never move?  Did I do something horrible?  Did I offend?  Did I say something bad?

Deep breath in.  Slow breath out.  Kristy… chill out.  I can’t guess what I don’t know.  I can’t fix anything or avoid repeating the same whatever it is if I don’t listen!

This person has the guts to talk to me straight.  I really admire their courage.  It takes a lot to face someone regarding anything potentially unpleasant.  The easy route: avoidance.  Unfortunately, avoiding a situation or issue builds negativity and breeds additional problems.  With an internal toss of my head, I make my decision.  “Sure. What’s up?”

“There’s this issue…”  Imagine loud background noise.  You can’t hear.  And no, you can’t read my lips.  Only me, and the person talking to me, can hear this conversation.  *wink*  Not everything goes public.

Conversation ends.

Inside, I’m screaming “That’s not fair!  That wasn’t my intention!” 

For a moment, just a split second, my mind is overcome by this bubbling, churning, mass of darkness.  I want to lash out.  I want to fight back.  I want to justify my position.  I want to clarify my actions!

Rational thoughts and irrational emotions swirl, twisting inside.  Churning.  Knots forming tighter and tighter, ready to snap.  Suffocating blackness.  Struggling against chains.  Fighting within myself.  Sinking deeper.  Loosing reason.

Wait!  This person is acting as a mediator.  I’m hearing someone else’s point of view.  Life isn’t fair.  Community, people… everyone has their own option, their personal points of view.  We all step on toes, even unintentionally.  To live and work together, it can’t be all about me or what I believe is okay.

Arghhhhh… I know I should respect others, even if I don’t agree with their stance.  I know that even if I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, there’s something I did that’s perceived as wrong in another’s eyes.

Respect.

Honor.

How in the world am I supposed to act?  As a child of God and follower of Christ, what am I to do?  If I truly want to follow in Jesus’ footsteps and do the hard things that following Jesus as my Lord requires... my heart needs to change.  My goal should be to adjust my actions and words so that I don't cause another person to stumble in their journey or their outlook in following the same Jesus (1 Corinthians 8:10-13).  But by myself, with my own strength… I can’t do this.  I can’t do what I know Jesus would do.  To humble myself… I don’t want to bend.  My heart is to do my best to serve my God.  Being told that my actions are contrary to my service of the same God... that hurts.

Ah… Father God, right now, I don’t feel very humble or loving.  In fact, my hackles are up and I want to fight back screaming “unfair!”  Yet, reading 1 Corinthians chapters 8 and 9 in the Bible, you speak through Paul about actions; if my actions cause another to stumble, then don’t do it.  Lord, I don’t want to be a person who’s actions or words cause another to fall away from you.  Lord, you know my heart.  You know my intentions.  You know the reasons behind my actions.

Father, I’m trying my best to walk as Jesus did… I know I frequently fail, but because I love you most… what you call me to do, I will.  All my “rights,” what I am entitled to, even my pride… Father, I give everything into your hands.  May my life not be my own, but yours.  Father, use me as you will.  Guide me so I don’t become a stumbling block to others in their walk with you or as they come to know you.  May my actions, my words, my heart be a reflection of your Spirit and not mine.  Be my light, my peace, my heart.

Father God, I give you full control… control of my rights, my intentions, my actions.  Until you give me permission otherwise, I will not repeat the action that will cause this specific offense.  Help me to respect this person who also only intends to give you honor.  Give me the strength and courage and wisdom to honor and serve you, my God, above myself.  May my actions and heart be all-in and not of two minds.  May my words of living for you not be empty fluff.

Lord, I trust you to change and heal my heart.  I trust in your power to mediate this situation/issue.

Through the example of Jesus Christ, may my life please you, my Lord God… to you and for you alone will I bend.  Regardless of right or wrong, just or unjust… may my life glorify you first above all else.  In Jesus’ name, I ask that my choice of actions and my heart will bring you, my God, glory and honor.  Amen.