Chains of My Life

Delete.

The word resounds over and over again in my head with an irrevocable sense of finality.

I did it.  I really erased the manga app off of my iPad.  Years of reading, hundreds of stories bookmarked, collections stored… all gone with a single touch of my finger.

I know I can restore the app.  I know the names of some of my favorite stories… but never in my life did I ever dream that I would remove my own free access to thousands of stories.  Hours into days, days into weeks, and weeks into years of ingrained habitual reading… completely stopped in one night. 

By the grace of God, I can state that I want to choose Jesus Christ as the most important treasure in my life.  The hole that cannot be filled by my own actions, my own worth, my own thoughts… I crave the glimpses of complete fulfillment, of overwhelming joy, of deep peace… and I have only ever experienced these things to such a great extent when I hold Jesus Christ first in my heart; everything else pales in comparison.

However, I still crave the safety of mindless reading, of burying myself in fantasy worlds and in impossible adventures.  But I know that in order to gain the best, I need to let go of all my seconds.  I need to release my death grip on parts of my life that aren’t good for me… at least not to the extremes I take things.  Accepting God as my main treasure is an all or nothing proposition.  I cannot serve myself first and say that I truly serve God as Lord. 

My original intention was to nix my insane amount of reading and fill in at least a small part of the time with growing my relationship with God: understanding more of his character, knowing more of his power, dwelling in his presence.  Did it work?  Maybe a little… but honestly, I find myself struggling with new issues.  Instead of reading manga, I find myself using the time to delve into learning more about jewelry-making, editing and posting jewelry pictures on Instagram, tweaking my Etsy shop… and even more than these incessant pressures… what catches me off guard the most is online shopping. 

Shopping?  Yup, feels like I haven’t bought stuff in years!  Sure it’s great to shop for Christmas gifts online and finding great deals is a fun challenge; however, I catch myself feeling this pressure, this _need_ to buy things, not later, but right now! 

In whatever I do, I find myself always trying to fill this internal hole of need, excitement, and of challenge.  I have experienced that nothing comes close to walking with Christ, but at the same time, a huge part of me absolutely refuses.  Knowing the best and reaching for that best is difficult when there are so many other things which can provide a quick fix of instant gratification.  I frequently find myself accepting second-best, not because I truly want what it can give me, but because it’s easier.

Following Christ is scary: it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it requires facing the ugliness inside myself and changing.  Following Christ requires truth.  It requires choices that aren’t always rational.  Following Christ can make me look really stupid.

All for what? 

Is having a personal relationship with God that much of a treasure it trumps everything else? 

The answer for myself is “Yes.”  To me, God is worth my everything and more.

I want to personally enjoy the presence of an all-powerful God who can create the universe and still know me.  I want to be completely enveloped in his unconditional love.  I want to be fully accepted no matter what I do or say or look.  I want to experience strength not of my own.  I want to have joy unrelated to any circumstance.  I want to know peace that in this lifetime is not of this world. 

Father God, I am unworthy, but you still love me.  I run, but you still seek after me.  I hide, but you still find me.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for letting me experience your power.  Thank you for letting me sit in your presence.  Thank you for showing me that you are real.  Thank you for forgiving me even as I make mistake after mistake after mistake.  Thank you for being consistent in character and for always keeping your word even when I don’t keep mine.  Thank you for being gentle with me. 

Lord, there is nothing I have that you want.  There is nothing I can do for you that you cannot do even better… so Jesus, thank you for the free gift of your life that redeemed mine.  Help me honor you in the choices I make, this life I live, the attitude I have and the actions I perform… keep my eyes fixed on you and hold my heart close to yours.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

If I’m too lazy to write again before Christmas:

Merry Christmas everyone!!! 

Be blessed this season to experience the glory and peace of Christ.  Let’s all joyfully celebrate that because Jesus Christ came to this world, we are made perfect by the very acceptance of his gift, his life in place of ours. 

Picture of Audrey and I at our last South Bay Game and Dinner Night on Nov 25th:

Heart Check

“What do you treasure?”

Huh???  Lots of things are important in my life.  There’s Noel, my job, my hobbies… *mumble mumble* the list gets longer and longer.  Really, Kristy, you’re just avoiding the heart of this question!

Okay, okay… let me reword this question for myself:  “What stuff in my life do I not want to change or let go of?  Is there one key item that hinders my walk with Jesus Christ?”

I, who proudly proclaim that I am a follower of God, servant of Jesus Christ, one who says “God is to be first in my life and my focus”… can I honestly say that I place my Lord God first in all aspects of my life? 

Nope. 

Even without taking a good hard look at myself, I already know that there are many things I struggle with; my head easily turns away from following the one I choose to call Lord.  In my quick list of issues, there is one thing that even the very thought of stopping makes me cringe: reading manga. 

Sounds silly right?  *wry grin*

Every free hour, day after day, week after week… for over 18 years of my life… I’ve read manga.  For 10 years before that, I’ve read novels.  Before even that, it was picture books.  =O

Scarfing down story after story, escaping reality, living in the lives of made-up characters… this takes up a huge chunk of my life.  On the surface, I socialize fairly well.  I interact with others.  I work.  I serve at church.  I have interesting hobbies.  However, at the end of each day, I spend my face buried in stories.

All in all, reading’s not a bad hobby to have right?  Yeah… on the surface, reading in my free time really isn’t anything bad.  But, the key issue comes down to where my heart is. 

I believe that God blesses me with free time… to rest, to read… but why do I have such a hard time letting go of my reading?  Do I treasure reading above my heart for God?

Second question (well… many questions later), I ask myself: “Does my excessive reading prevent me from fully experiencing God?”

Yes. 

All hemming and hawing aside, I must confess that there are definitely times where I could better serve God if I took the time to know him more.  All the hours I spent buried in my novels… if even a fraction of that time was used to deepen my relationship with God… how much closer would I be to the God I serve?  How much better would I know the character and the love my God has for me and those around me? 

I believe that this world is a spiritual battlefield; and unfortunately, because of my slacking off, I am ill-equipped to fight.  Since I dare to call God “my Lord,” why then am I serving myself over him?  If my life is to live as a servant of Christ, I need to serve Christ first in all things.  If the purpose of my life is to glorify him, then my actions better reflect his character.  To call myself a child of Christ, my lifestyle needs to include his presence.

At the end of my internal debate... where is my heart? 

Do I want to choose God or choose myself? 

For me, what is truly most important? 

What is my one treasure above all others?

What do I live for?

Father God, please change my heart.  I keep saying I want to place you first in my life, but saying it and doing so are two different issues.  Lord, I want my actions to match my words.  I want my heart to be in line with yours. 

Forgive me, Lord, for saying that I follow you when a huge part of me continually puts you aside to place myself first.  To experience you fully, Lord God, I want to place you first in my heart and first in my life.  Help me do so.  Transform my heart, Lord Jesus, so that my eyes are fixed on you and not of this world.  I want to see you more.  I want to know you more.  May your Spirit speak your truth clearly into my heart so that I can fully live every bit of this life you’ve blessed me with.  Help me live fully for you and with you.  Lord, I ask that you remove the chains that drag me down.  Free me to clearly choose what pleases you because I know that when I follow you, I feel fulfilled in ways that pleasing myself doesn’t accomplish.

Lord, I ask for freedom in my choices, wisdom in my use of time, gentleness in my words, kindness in my heart and joy in my spirit. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Celebrating Noel's birthday:

Racing Days

Three, two, one, GO!!!

The flag drops, my tires squeal as the acceleration pushes me back into my seat.  Look ahead!  Coming up is a sweeping right turn, left, right, right again.  The harness holds me tight in my seat as the g-force sways me side to side.  My hands grip the steering wheel as I dance the car through a field of cones.  Sharp left, the tail of my car swings around setting me up for the slalom; a nice even pattern of left, right, left, right… break before the turn and back onto the gas again.  Apex that corner so my car can accelerate in a straighter line.  Bouncing over a random bump, I stay on the gas… this last turn looks really tight… don’t give in!  Keeping my foot hard on the gas pedal, I barely dive through the last turn into a hard breaking, tire squealing stop.  Shaking with adrenaline, I carefully pick up my time slip and slap it on the dash.  Gently, I guide my car back onto the grid for the next run. 

My heartbeat still pounds in my ears… I can barely even hear.  I need to plan my next run.  Where did I break too early?  Too late?  How can I take that fourth turn faster?  What’s the best angle to hit the slalom?  Can I blast through that last turn any quicker?  I need more speed, take tighter turns, and find the optimum racing line while avoiding the cones. 

Calming down, I unbuckle my harness and half stand, half roll myself out of my seat.  Standing on shaky legs, I crouch down to feel the tires.  The sun’s on the right of my car, that side’s tires are too warm.  Popping the hood, I let the engine cool a little.  I need to cool down the right tires by spraying the front tires with water, maybe a little water onto the rear tire too.  Let’s lower the front left tire pressure by 0.5psi and the front right by 0.75psi.  What else?  Hmmmmm, guess that’s good enough for now.

Noel steps into the driver’s seat, his turn to race.  I help to strap him in.  At the last moment, I drop the hood, give the car a final check and throw Noel a thumb’s up.  Time to see who’s faster! 

Ah… memories.  *deep sigh* 

This week, as I once again meet up with friends I made during my years of racing, the memories of my racing days hit me hard.  This is where I first met Noel.  This is where I really learned how to handle my car.  I miss the sound of squealing tires and burning rubber.  My hands still feel the vibrations of the steering wheel as my car and I squeeze through turns.  This is where I first experienced friendship in combination with competition.  Nice!

Lord God, you called Noel and I out of racing… then you took me out of paintballing and rockclimbing.  Part of me still hurts that I’ve had to place these hobbies on an indefinite hold.  However, Lord, you are an amazing God.  Lord, you don’t just take away, but in the place of my hobbies, you bring such great joy and give me even more things to do.  You show me the love of my husband, the beauty of life-long friendship, the strength of family, the limits my body can go beyond as I lean on your strength, the treasure that work really is, and the blessings of living my identity in you and not by anything I can do. 

Lord, I may be physically weak, but I do not regret this life in which I’ve chosen to follow you.  You give me meaning in my life, purpose in my path, and strength in my steps.  Keep my eyes focused on you.  Help me not to stray too far to the left or the right.  May my words and my life continue to be a testimony of your goodness, your mercy, and your power.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel and I with Alan, one of the first racing buddies I made almost 13 years ago!

Trusting without Boundaries

Flip, I casually flick another page in our scheduling book.  Eyes roaming, I double check to see who’s off and who’s working the weekend.  As my eyes scan the page, I freeze.  That’s my name!  What?  I don’t remember being notified about working on a Sunday in October.  What went wrong?  I thought I didn’t have my next weekend workday until November!

Rushing to my desk, I quickly type in my password to unlock the computer.  Clicking my work email, I open up the email with a list of my given weekends I acquired after a co-worker left.  Nope, no October weekend.

Heart thumping, I select the shortcut folder for work’s weekend and vacation schedule.   Tapping my cursor over “October,” I rapidly scroll down looking for October 12th.  Yup, right there, that’s my name.  Guess who ever made the initial email request missed noting down this one month.  Yikes, what if I didn't show up to work?!?!!!  *shudder*

Can I do it?  Will I be able to work a Sunday in the burn unit with no occupational therapist back-up?  Questions, concerns, worries... one issue after another pile up in my head.  Burdened and cornered, I decide to pray.

Father God, Creator of the universe… Help!  A huge part of me worries about my strength and endurance in being able to perform heavy transfers, lift weighty limbs, or even to have the physical stability to complete the entire treatment.  Father, I acknowledge that you are all-powerful, that you have complete control, that you know my capabilities and your provisions, that my life and my schedule can be fully guided by you.  Lord, no one will want to take this Sunday, it’s smack in the middle of a three-day weekend with Monday being a holiday off.  Plus, even if someone is willing to take this day, I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured.  *sigh* 

Lord of my life, I give this issue into your capable hands.  Either give me the energy, strength and endurance to make it through Sunday… or give me the help somehow and someway so that I can continue to honor you as I work on whatever day is given me.  Lord, I leave my worries at your feet.  Help me to lean on you... trusting that no matter what happens, you will be there to catch me and to provide for me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Okay Kristy… now I just have to chill and see where God ends up taking me.  *deep breath*  Don’t be anxious.  Don’t worry.  Instead, remember, to this point in my life, God has shown himself and provided over and over and over in more ways that I can even count!  So why not also in this situation?  I will choose to trust God to handle what I cannot control because I believe he is truly and fully in control of my life (even when I’m not) and that he is real.

Two hours later at the end of lunch:

“Hey Kristy, you’re working on a Sunday in October right?  The 12th?”

“Yup!”

“I’m scheduled to work on October the 11th, that Saturday.  Can we switch?  There’s something I want to do that Saturday.”

“Sure, I’d love to switch!  In fact, that’ll be so much better!”

Praise the Lord and a huge thanks to my friend (didn’t ask her permission so I’m not putting up her name)…  prayer answered just like that!  No pressure.  No begging.  No struggling.  No placing co-workers in uncomfortable positions.  No additional stress.  Just like that, it is done… issue resolved. 

Wow!  When God decides to move, everything falls into just the right place!  *wide grin*

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Father God, today was a loooonnnnggggg day.  In the morning, I worked along-side the occupational therapist who is usually stationed in the burn unit... she knows exactly who’s who and what’s what.  Yay! 

Lord, throughout the entire time, I can feel you by my side.  My heart sings for joy as my patients got to experience increased independence and many “first time doing this” situations!  My energy lasted in spurts just long enough to the point where I could escape to rest and recover.  Even during the times when I got tired in the middle of a treatment, my co-worker willingly took over all the prep work and running around for supplies while I either leaned on the linen bin to conserve energy or even the time I had to run out of the room to sit and rest.

All I can say, is that you, my Lord, are an amazing God who provided one thing after the other this entire day.  At the end of the day, I feel kind of bad because I started to complain.  It’s 4:00pm and I’m supposed to be leaving work for home… but that’s not going to happen.  I finished all my wound notes, but haven’t completed (or even started) the morning’s batch of inpatient notes... there are still _six_ notes that I need to complete!

Grumble, grumble.  I know that my attitude isn’t the best.  I really should focus on the myriad of blessings instead of the fact that I need to stay behind so that the next therapist will know about the patients’ progression, treatments I performed…

Stop. 

In all honestly, I know that if I really wanted to leave work, even with my notes not even started… I can.  It’d suck for the person treating the following day, but I have the choice in what I choose to do.  There is no “have-to”… there’s only “it’d be nice for the next person if I completed my work” type of issue.

Father, change my heart to joyfully serve in the full capacity you bless me with.  Even as I sit here at my desk grumbling, you give me the energy and physical stability to remain.  I’m not drained so much I need to run home to rest (surprising after a non-stop, intense type of workday).  So be it, I will choose to serve by completing my work… both to honor you and to bless my co-worker, the one who you used to answer my prayer in her request to switch weekend work days.

Lord, forgive my negative attitude, my selfishness, my misplaced sense of self-righteousness; instead, I ask that you give me wisdom in my documentation, focus to complete the notes to the best of my ability, and help me remember what I did in this morning treatments so that I can properly type and bill.  Give me your peace and correct my attitude.  Let me not work for myself but to do all my work as a reflection of my heart to serve you in worship. 

To my Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the living Holy Spirit… to you be all the glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

Noel and I with a sleeping cat and my many plush toys:

Asking for Something Different at Work

Monday, September 22, 2014

Now that I’ve thrown out the challenge in my last blog post… what do I pray for?  Laughter again?  No… totally not!  That’s too boring to ask for the same thing twice in a row.  Ummm, what should I ask God for today?  I want to ask for something different! 

But what?

*sigh*

I’m trying to think; and yet, nothing comes to mind.

Hey God, I really can’t think of anything interesting to pray for.  I want to see you, but how will you show yourself to me?  Well, whatevers.  Father God, I ask that you show me, somehow, someway, that you are present with me as I work.  I want to see you in action!

In Jesus’ name I ask, amen.

As the day goes on, I’m really starting to drag.  My treatments and documentation speed is slowing down as each hour passes by.  I’m tired.  You know when people say they got "glutened” when they eat gluten and it causes problems?  Well, I got diaried (Kristy made-up word) this weekend and all my energy reserves are gone.  Poof!  Just like that and my entire physical/mental function is affected.  *deep sigh*  I want to go home.

Casually, I ask my boss:  “If I finish early, can I go home?”

I didn’t want to make a big deal out of being tired.  I mean, I’ve pushed through times when I’ve been so drained that I could barely move.  I’m nowhere near that state!  On the other hand, it’d be super super great to just lie down.  Yeah, my bed is sounding pretty nice right about now.  *wry smile*

Later in the day, I drag my feet to check on the board.  I should have one last patient left before I can go home early.  Just one more… Oh, another therapist’s initials are written next to my supposedly last patient-of-the-day.  What happened?  Peeking into the treatment room, I see my co-worker busy at work.

“Can I help?”

“You, go home and rest.  This patient came early and my patient canceled.  Didn’t you want to leave early?”

“Yup, thank you!” 

Sliding myself past the curtains, I change clothes and leave work 1-1/2 hours early.  Yay!!! 

God, even though I don’t feel at my best today, thank you for working my schedule so that I can go home and rest!  Thank you for providing such awesome friends at work who are willing to pick-up my slack.  Thank you that even moving so slowly today, that there was no negative effect on the pacing of patient treatments and that all the most important parts of my documentation are already complete.  Praise the Lord for your timely provision today!  Amen!

It's been a week and I'm still dragging myself around.  Just super tired.  Please pray that I get my strength back and that my body will once again steady itself!

Noel and I re-started our South Bay Games and Dinner Night after 11-month rest-break.  Praise the Lord that he provided enough energy to last the night!  We cook together, eat together, pray together, play games and even clean-up together... community and life-skills with God as the center.

Here's a picture of us chilling together in the living room:

Asking for Something Different

I want work to go well today.  No, nix that.  I _always_ want work to flow smoothly, not be stressful,  and to end on time.  Is that really all I want?  How about something different?

Hey God, I want to see you in my workplace today.  What should I pray for?  I don’t like a super packed schedule… ummmm, but then again, when you’re really present, even the toughest days with the most patients can flow smoothly.  So how about this…  Father, I don’t mind a schedule that requires me to see patients non-stop back-to-back; but, in return give me the energy, focus and a fun time with my patients and my co-workers.  In fact, do this for my whole wound dept!  *wide grin* 

Lord, I’m not asking for an easy day, I’m going to ask for what would normally be a hands-full super busy day!  But… I want today to be so filled with fun and laughter that others will notice and acknowledge that today, there’s something weirdly different.  I don’t mind that this is the end of a packed work-week.  I’m going to trust that, Lord God, you will provide.  Times when I or my co-workers are normally stressed, lift up our spirits and bring in laughter, peace, joy.  Boldly I ask, Lord, that you show yourself in my workplace this day.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

*smirk*

Towards the end of my workday, I overheard these comments:

“Today was super busy like the rest of this week, but I’m not tired.”

“Something’s weird today.  Work was hard like normal, but there’s a lot of laughter.”

Yes, I believe that today is so markedly different because I prayed and God answered. 

I was too chicken to say “that’s because I prayed for this day to be filled with laughter even though the work is demanding.”  But I’m sharing this now… prayer is amazing! 

Today, we sang “Happy Birthday” to a patient with almost the entire wound staff… I’ve never seen that happen in my 9 years here.  Laughter drifts in the air from one room to the next.  Co-workers move with an extra spring in their step.  Joy and anticipation simmer below the surface.  Broad smiles grace many faces.  Patients come early, some come late, but the schedule ends up just right for each staff member.  My paperwork is completely done.   I even get to leave work on time after a non-stop, no-rest day of work.  Yes, today is different; very much so! 

Praise the Lord!

Next week… what interesting things should I pray for?  What would you pray for?  How do you want to see God? 

I challenge those reading this blog post to pray for God to show himself in a very specific and utterly unique way in your life and those around you.  I’d love to hear what God’s showing you.  The more specific your prayer, the more confirmation you’ll have that God is real and amazing when you see him answer.  If you take up this challenge, please email me your cool God-story.  I won’t share it, but I’d love to see more of God at work!

Lord God, I know with all my heart that you are real.  Frequently my eyes are blinded by my own comfort.  I’m wallowing in my own desire.  Father God, help me to let go and really see you this coming week.  I ask to personally experience the joy, peace and true comfort of being in your presence.

Father, for those willing to seek you this week, I ask that you guide their prayers and make the results so uniquely clear that all will be amazed and sing your name in praise. 

Bless those reading this blog with your joy everlasting, lightness of spirit, unfathomable peace and the comfort of your unconditional love.

In Jesus’ holy name I pray, amen.

Sept 21st: Celebrating my 'lil sister's birthday!  Happy Birthday Jess!  *super big hugs*

Working, but Never Alone

Ready?               Up!

Wrap 

                     Pull 

    Wrap                   Pull 

I'm starting to get tired. 

My day is just starting so I really shouldn't complain.  My co-worker is helping by lifting the patient's leg.  Really, all I'm doing is leaning over the bed and stretching an ace wrap in a spiral pattern from the feet up the leg.  Working on the second leg, I can feel the smallest tremor in my muscles.  Already?  How in the world am I going to make it through today?  Not by my own strength that's for sure! 

My goal is to serve where I am.  Using everything God's given to me, I want to provide my patients the best service possible.  But how?  I'm confused as to if and how I need to moderate my own activity.  If I go all out, will I have the endurance to continue with all the treatments needed throughout the day?  Will I get burnt out?  Should I save some of my energy in reserve for later?  How much is too much and how little is too little? 

Lord God, I'm really confused.  I know you have the ability to give me strength beyond my own, but I also know you've blessed me with a brain capable of learning my own limitations.  When do I use what you've given me and when do I lean on you for more?  I really don't know enough and I hate the answer "each situation is different so it depends."  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.  All I know, Father God, is that I am here, working a weekend day...  kind of lonely but never alone.

Initially, I was scheduled to work Sunday.  Thank you so much that I didn't!  Not knowing until afterwards that Sunday (working completely in the burn unit with no assistance from another therapist) there was a patient who got discharged and 3 new admits... all requiring a lot of effort and time... AND a handful of current burn unit patients that all needed therapy.  Yikes!

Lord, with my current abilties, there's no way I can serve all the patients in the burn unit to meet the needs of what Sunday required.  Instead, you provided a switch where my co-worker willingly took my Sunday so that I can work on Saturday instead.  Father, you blessed me completely by providing another therapist to lean on, enough time to complete all my paperwork, and that all my afternoon patients with wounds came early!  Hurray!!!!

Honestly, beats me how I exactly made it through Saturday.  Definately not by my own abilities!

Lord God, all I know is that I continusously prayed throughout my entire work day: begging for wisdom, asking for stregnth, requesting your assistance with the timing and types of treatments... the list goes on and on.  And the coolest thing?  You helped me more than just survive this Saturday of work, but allowed me to thrive by providing everything from therapy and timing to patient participation and staffing assist.

Father God, to you I give all the glory and praise!

The fact that I can work, knowing that if my back is ever in a corner, you always open a way out.  So yes, Lord, blindly I follow.  Each step.  Each day.  When I'm scared.  When I'm lost.  Into your care I leave all the many things out of my own control so that I can serve others as you've shown me through the examples of Jesus Christ.  Continue to give me strength in my body, endurance during my treatments, stability of my body when I'm fatigued, a positive attitude in you and peace in the knowledge that I'm never alone, never truly stuck, never fully hopeless or helpless.

Thank you, Father God, that I can so enjoy work, in serving and in being served, exactly where I am.  Wherever I am, whomever I'm with... may you continue to shape my heart to seek you and to serve others... not for my own pride nor self-satisfaction, but to glorify you. 

I will work with all my heart to you, O Lord, and not to man because you promised to never leave me, to never forsake me.  Dwelling in your presence, I will never be alone, never truly lack for anything... so please, Lord, continue to teach me how to serve you right here and right now.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Having fun with the toys (Amanda's getting kind of squashed LOL):