Delete.
The word resounds over and over again in my head with an irrevocable sense of finality.
I
did it. I really erased the manga app off of my iPad. Years of
reading, hundreds of stories bookmarked, collections stored… all gone
with a single touch of my finger.
I
know I can restore the app. I know the names of some of my favorite
stories… but never in my life did I ever dream that I would remove my
own free access to thousands of stories. Hours into days, days into
weeks, and weeks into years of ingrained habitual reading… completely
stopped in one night.
By
the grace of God, I can state that I want to choose Jesus Christ as the
most important treasure in my life. The hole that cannot be filled by
my own actions, my own worth, my own thoughts… I crave the glimpses of
complete fulfillment, of overwhelming joy, of deep peace… and I have
only ever experienced these things to such a great extent when I hold
Jesus Christ first in my heart; everything else pales in comparison.
However,
I still crave the safety of mindless reading, of burying myself in
fantasy worlds and in impossible adventures. But I know that in order
to gain the best, I need to let go of all my seconds. I need to release
my death grip on parts of my life that aren’t good for me… at least not
to the extremes I take things. Accepting God as my main treasure is an
all or nothing proposition. I cannot serve myself first and say that I
truly serve God as Lord.
My
original intention was to nix my insane amount of reading and fill in
at least a small part of the time with growing my relationship with God:
understanding more of his character, knowing more of his power,
dwelling in his presence. Did it work? Maybe a little… but honestly, I
find myself struggling with new issues. Instead of reading manga, I
find myself using the time to delve into learning more about
jewelry-making, editing and posting jewelry pictures on Instagram,
tweaking my Etsy shop… and even more than these incessant pressures…
what catches me off guard the most is online shopping.
Shopping?
Yup, feels like I haven’t bought stuff in years! Sure it’s great to
shop for Christmas gifts online and finding great deals is a fun
challenge; however, I catch myself feeling this pressure, this _need_ to
buy things, not later, but right now!
In
whatever I do, I find myself always trying to fill this internal hole
of need, excitement, and of challenge. I have experienced that nothing
comes close to walking with Christ, but at the same time, a huge part of
me absolutely refuses. Knowing the best and reaching for that best is
difficult when there are so many other things which can provide a quick
fix of instant gratification. I frequently find myself accepting
second-best, not because I truly want what it can give me, but because
it’s easier.
Following
Christ is scary: it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it requires facing
the ugliness inside myself and changing. Following Christ requires
truth. It requires choices that aren’t always rational. Following
Christ can make me look really stupid.
All for what?
Is having a personal relationship with God that much of a treasure it trumps everything else?
The answer for myself is “Yes.” To me, God is worth my everything and more.
I
want to personally enjoy the presence of an all-powerful God who can
create the universe and still know me. I want to be completely
enveloped in his unconditional love. I want to be fully accepted no
matter what I do or say or look. I want to experience strength not of
my own. I want to have joy unrelated to any circumstance. I want to
know peace that in this lifetime is not of this world.
Father
God, I am unworthy, but you still love me. I run, but you still seek
after me. I hide, but you still find me. Thank you for never giving up
on me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me experience
your power. Thank you for letting me sit in your presence. Thank you
for showing me that you are real. Thank you for forgiving me even as I
make mistake after mistake after mistake. Thank you for being
consistent in character and for always keeping your word even when I
don’t keep mine. Thank you for being gentle with me.
Lord,
there is nothing I have that you want. There is nothing I can do for
you that you cannot do even better… so Jesus, thank you for the free
gift of your life that redeemed mine. Help me honor you in the choices I
make, this life I live, the attitude I have and the actions I perform…
keep my eyes fixed on you and hold my heart close to yours.
In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
If I’m too lazy to write again before Christmas:
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
Be
blessed this season to experience the glory and peace of Christ. Let’s
all joyfully celebrate that because Jesus Christ came to this world, we
are made perfect by the very acceptance of his gift, his life in place
of ours.
Picture of Audrey and I at our last South Bay Game and Dinner Night on Nov 25th:
