Kristy's Videos

My videos are posted on YouTube: kristyleadf00t (uses zeroes)... these are the videos I have so far.  Also took the time to create a tab on this blog so you'll see these videos linked there when new ones come out.  *wide grin*

YAY!!!  Thanks to my Hubby for helping me create these links with images!  =D

Thanks to my special videographer, editor, neighbor and friend for all his hard work each week!!!  What dedication!  *deep bow*

P.R.F : Vol 7

Outtakes : Vol 6

Never Alone : Vol 5

A Story of Love : Vol 4

Courage : Vol 3

Week 1 : Vol 2

Pre-Chemo : Vol 1

Chemo Session 4... or NOT! =D

This blog site changed it's format! I'm kinda scared to write a blog because I lost my prior post and had to have Noel send me his copy that he received in an email! Then I had this post outlined and saved... but each time I open the draft on my iPad... everything but the title is blank and I have to start from the very beginning! *shiver* No room for error!

Well... this self-erasing blog site will keep my blog posts shorter until I figure out how to navagate around the new issues... or I'll have to write my whole blog in some other document and then transfer it. *sigh* This just means I can't be lazy anymore! Makes me also realize that if this blog site goes down... all my writing disappears! I don't have any of this stuff backed up... hmmm... Maybe I should actually take the time to copy everything? Bummer... I'm lazy! My own laptop doesn't work... so that means I'll have to borrow Noel's computer... someday... *wide grin* I like to procrastinate! Heheheeee...

Anyways... my chemo side effects have been building up... my hands and feet are partially numb, my tongue is also partially numb, my body has problems voiding the fluid I drink, my muscles constantly feel weak and I get a burning sensation just walking up the stairs or carrying stuff in my arms.

My accupuncturist told me that my chemo regime was too strong for my body and that I should ask the doctors to tone down my treatment. On my end... I totally agree... but I didn't want to dictate to the doctors their job because I don't know what I need or what effects I should tolerate. Plus, God allowed this cancer for a reason... and I don't know what experiences God wants me to go through... I don't want to fight and struggle and stress about my chemotherapy treatment if I don't have to... so I prayed... very hard that God would guide the doctors to both truly hear the extent and severity of my body's symptoms and to have wisdom in how they chose to continue my chemotherapy.

This past Wednesday, my doctor told me that becuase of the numbness in my hands and feet, she'll withhold chemo until after my CT scan on March 2nd and make her decision during our next appointment on March 7th. She told me that my numbness has a potential to be permanent, but that the goal isn't to damage my body so that I can't work anymore in an attempt to stop my cancer from progressing.

Yay!!! Regardless of what happens... I get two week extra break!!! Hurray! I am so excited!!! So far, it's about 18 days after my last chemo treatment, my fingers and toes are still numb, my muscles sore, and my endurance almost non-existant... but I'm not fighting nausea and I'm already planning to go play paintball! =D

Lord Father, thank you for this additional 2-week break from chemo. Thank you for the opportunity to play paintball! Thank you for allowing my body time to recover after struggling against the meds dumped into my system.

Lord God, please continue to guide the doctors in the treatment you want them to provide. Give me the strength to handle the chemo's onslaught. I lift my treatment, my life, and my future into your very capable hands. Thank you that I don't have to stress about self-directing my own treatment or fighting with the doctors about what I feel I should get or that they should provide. Lord, I chose to give you my everything when I rededicated my life to you... help me to carry out my promise and serve you with a joyful heart... to see your blessings and your love... to grow in courage and strength... to become more than I am by myself.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Addiction and Lent... my struggles

A big thanks to my Hubby for subscribing to this blog since I lost this post and he received a copy in his e-mail!!! Praise the Lord! *Wide grin* now re-posted!

I know a little of Lent... giving something up for 40 days starting Ash Wednesday in order to honor God. This isn't something I normally practice or feel like I have to... but it is a challenge and time of growth I have chosen to incorporate in my life these last couple of years.

Last year, my choice to honor God was to refrain from reading manga (Japanese comic) online. For most of you, this isn't an issue. For me, reading manga is an addiction, a craving, an obsession that enslaves me... all my free time goes into reading manga. Even when reading no longer feels fullfilling... I'm stuck reading. Even when there's no pleasure... I HAVE to keep reading to the exclusion of all else (chores, obligations, sleep)... everything gets pushed back.

This addiction is an ongoing problem since middle school (started with reading books, but manga is easier to access online nowadays). I struggled for many years... silent... borrowing 7-10 books each trip to the library about twice a week! I couldn't put a book down no matter how badly written until I finished reading. If I finished reading too early in the evening, I'd start another books and keep reading, half-asleep, until I finished that one as well. I read all sorts of books... fantasy, science fiction, romance, mystery... anything to transport me to another world... to escape the lonliness and uncertainty of real life... to escape judgement and any potential condemnation. In reading, I lost myself into the fictional lives of others.

In high school, I wanted a normal life... but I couldn't stop reading... I didn't know how to talk or connect with other people, I didn't dare put myself out there or speak up for fear of being judged or made fun of. So I stayed quiet, hid in corners or in the bathrooms to read a book, didn't offer any opinions becuase well... who would care what I said? School was a place to be. And home? I felt empty inside unless I was living in the books I read.

But I felt so lonely... didn't know how to connect... that's probably why in both middle school and high school I was voted the shyest person in the whole school. I didn't know how to carry a conversation and didn't want to talk about myself because talking was too personal... unsafe. I was scared... chained and trapped by my self-created addiction to escape life. God... where are you? Isn't God supposed to help free me from my addiction if I give it up to him? Won't God save me?

I prayed so hard to God in my junior and senior years of high school for salvation... for God to free me... I struggled to stay away from the library, to stop reading... then I found manga and more free fictional writing online. I, by my own power, tried to stop reading... always failing. Crying in the dark, fighting for freedom, hurt, anygry, lost, scared. Why won't God save me? Isn't God all-powerful? God, I trusted you and you're failing me? Why? *sobbing cry*

In my freshman year of college, I remember I broke down so hard... I faced myself and saw how pitiful I was. My life had spun out of control... I didn't feel like I could connect to anyone and read books/stories as if my life depended on it. My grades had dropped, I couldn't wake up at 4am in the morning for crew, I felt like a zombie barely making it through a semblance of living... fully dependant on my fantasy world. This is when I cried out to God and I finally heard him in my heart. In my brokeness, in the quietness of my cries, in my pain... I heard God telling me that I am loved, wanted, cared for... that he will step between me and my addiction... not to take it away, but to place a veil between me and reading... that I would now have a choice... to read or to do something else. At that moment, I found in God my freedeom, affirmation, strength.

To this day, I still fall into the trap of unrestrained reading. There are times when I still feel lost, afraid, out of control... but now with God by my side... I'm no longer trapped. I now acknowlege that I have a choice... and each time I truly make the decision to stop reading, I can... it's not easy... instead, the choice can sometimes even be painful... the craving is still there howling in the back of my mind... but I am now free to choose! This is one of the first gifts God has clearly given to me. Sometime I wish that God would fully just take away my craving to read... but because he didn't, I'm as strong as I am now to face the difficulties of my cancer, to face my past when I was molested, to reach out to others also in pain... I am who I am now because I am saved by Jesus, strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and loved by God.

Not reading manga for 40 days last year enabled me to reset myself. Every time I want to turn to reading... I'd replace that initial time with prayer (talking to God)... in place of my bondage to reading, I now have freedom. God provided me with the knowledge that I have a choice in what I do. In God's presence, I feel more joy, more fullfillment, more peace than when I read manga. And yet, after those 40 days... even knowing how great it is to follow God... I still struggle. Even now, there are times when I fall back into the slavery of unrestrained reading binges.

This year, I considered again giving up reading for these 40 days... but I didn't want to use Lent as a time where I can just work on my own struggles. Instead, I've been praying for God to guide me in how to use Lent this year to focus more on him... just stopping my manga reading doesn't necessarily improve my relationship with God, it'll just be an excuse to get myself back under control. I want to use Lent for more than self-control practice, I want to spend more time with a God who loves me so much that he gives me true freedom when I walk with him... not just a shadow of what freedom can be like.

For this year's Lent sacrifice, I chose to implement three things. One, for me to get in bed by midnight (doesn't mean I have to go to sleep, but it'll get me there sooner). This first sacrifice is so that I can be more awake the next day in order to better serve my Lord God. My second sacrifice for Lent is actually to read the Bible first thing in the morning... most times, I barely roll out of bed in time to get to work (slightly late)... I want to spend time with God by reading his word first thing so that I can have his words in my heart to use and implement during the course of the day. My third sacrifice is to withhold from eating snacks... not to stop eating snacks... my intential is that everytime I reach for a snack or think about getting one... that I'll use that as a cue to spend some time talking with God first... then eat! *wide grin*

Father in heaven, thank you for loving me so much that your intention is to grow me... by using difficult times and not taking away my struggles... I get to know you more! Over the years, I have been able to use the struggles in my life to help serve and heal others... but that never would have happened unless I struggled first. Never have you given me more than I can handle. As I look at my past, I see that through every trial, you have always walked my my side and protected me from even worse. Thank you for loving me, for disciplining me, and for caring enough about me specifically so that I can grow to be even better. Thank you for opening my eyes to see your millions of blessings... to see the good in the bad... for creating me to thrive and enjoy the difficulties I face now because I can see you more clearly.

Lord Father God, please continue to allow me to struggle so that I can enjoy your blessings as you come through to save me in unimaginable ways. Open my eyes so that I can see your power, your love for me, your glory in this lifetime.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Fun Weekend!!! =D

Took some friends paintballing this Sunday after church... no... I refrained from playing. *sad sigh* Listening to the paint flying, guns snapping, and watching beginners run around... *smirk* I so wanted to jump in and shoot people! *wide grin*

At work, I help heal people and fix their wounds... for fun, I shoot people with paintballs and cause bruises and cuts. Paradox huh?

Being at the paintball field, feeling restless... I end up running around to expend energy. I hop onto the field to video Noel and some friends playing on the intermediate field... in some ways, so satisfying to be actually ON the field... but so frustrating not to be the one playing!

Praise God that I didn't get hit by any paintballs... somehow, my car in the parking lot got hit by a stray paintball and one whizzed two inches next to me... but nothing actually hit ME. Ummmmmmmm.... somehow, I still ended up with 3-4 bruises on my left knee. I didn't do anything! Really!!! *puzzled look* Is my body that fragile? *thinking hard but wanting to play paintball next time regardless* =D

Father in heaven, thank you for keeping me safe even when I push boundaries and intentionally step into situations that I'm supposed to stay away from. Thank you, Lord, that even as I'm still struggling with not physically feeling my best... I can enjoy so much excitement and fun! I'm tired... but Lord God, thank you that I was able to enjoy the sun, wind, and excitement of being around paintball.

Thank you, Lord, that today (Monday), I had the opportunity to change my car engine oil and rotate my tires. My strength isn't quite all there and moving positions from standing to sitting caused a major headache (literally)... however, thank you that my tires got rotated because the front inner tires wore out so much that the steel belt underneath shows. *shock* The wear on my car tires were so far in deep that even when I do my monthly tire check (just done last week with plenty of tread on the main tread surface), I missed the inner tire wear... probably from the aggressive toe out poisition of my front tires (still stock). So Lord, thank you for protecting me and guiding me so that I can buy new tires before my car gets into an accident!

Lord God, you're timing and provision is awesome and beyond perfect! You provided that Noel and I were able to have today off work, sign our refinance paperwork, spend time with friends, work on my car, clean our home, AND we even got our cable internet installed for free with the monthly bill costing less than our current phone/DSL combo... WOW!!! (For those who worry that I do too much... I napped too. *grin*)

Father, when Noel and I walk as you've called and follow your lead... I see so many more blessings than when I struggle to find my own path. Thank you that you mediate decisions between Noel and I so much that neither one of us needs to fight for making the "right" choices in our marriage, our relationship, and our household. Instead, we each have our own opinions... but when we disagree... we ask you, God, for the right answer, wait (sometimes you've made us wait weeks, months, and there have been things you've made us wait for YEARS before answering)... and the outcome of each situation we truly place into your hands is resolved beyond perfect!

My car tires, the internet, refinancing our mortgage... Lord, I'm so spoiled that when I wait upon your timing and your lead... I feel like I'm rewarded with more than I deserve... I'm awed and humbled by your love, my Father in heaven, for your provisions are even greater than anything I can ever ask for or accomplish under my own power.

In Jesus' name, I thank you for loving me, amen.

Going forward, keep hoping

I'm wrestling with myself about what to write.

How I feel? Symptoms are still the same after chemo... nausea, weakness, fatigue, dizziness... only my fingers feel a little more numb and my legs always feel heavy. This time will hopefully only last a week so I can have a week of freedom to play!

Anything interesting happen? I went to my friend's baby shower and got to learn a lot about kids and the delivery process! =O Scary and really cool at the same time... things I never knew... *wide grin*

Right now, I'm still playing dedective in regards to my chemotherapy side effects so I continue to amuse myself with what options I have, how I can minimize my symtpoms, and what I can do to feel better quicker. Yay!!! A game! =D I'm the type that likes to DO stuff... if I ever believe that I have absolutely no control over my situation or how I feel, I have a tendency to drift off into hopelessness. In order to avoid that... I keep asking God for something I can do... a different approach... a unique perspective when considering my options and my circumstances.

I worry that as my body settles down into a routine... how will I react? What will my attitude be? What happens if and or when I start to lose my week of freedom where my symtoms are minimal... will God continue to give me a way to hope? To endure?

I believe that my answer is "yes!" God will carry me when I can no longer carry myself... I just need to keep looking up and outside of myself. I'm happy that I'm not going through this cancer and chemo alone... God's here with me and you're also here to support me! I have so much to live for... hopelessness is not an option!

Lord Father in heaven, the unknown is scary, but thte known can be a emotional trap as well. Thank you that you've given me the ability to assess my body's condition and modify my lifestyle and diet to minimize the chemotherapy side effects. Lord, I still worry about my future. I worry about the pain and nausea I may go through if I mess up... I feel like I'm placing myself in a lab experiment and testing myself... it's interesting, but scary at the same time. Please give me wisdom as I continue to modify the medicines I take, the foods I eat, the activities I perform...

Regardless of what happens, Father, please keep my eyes and my heart focused on you... in my life and my actions and my attitude, I want to see your glory and your power.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Footprints!... I want more

I still remember the day I was asked to check out CFCC Hayward's youth ministry named "Footprints!" Me? A counselor? No way! Noel's great with kids, but me? I'm a total introvert, don't know how to connect with people much less youth kids... and you're asking me to consider leading a bunch of teens... teach them about God, role-model being passionate for Jesus, and perform leadership tasks? Are you crazy? *smirk*

Yes... my God is crazy! *wide grin*

God definitely knows me best! These 5 years as a youth counselor have been wonderful! I've learned to break down tasks into manageable sections, communicate with my student leaders and fellow counselors, push past my introvert safe shell to reach out to people I don't know... I've learned to open up and share about how I really feel and the challenges I face... I've learned to be more than myself when God's called me to do crazy stuff!

Looking back... each step of the way, each new challenage... I didn't always like being scared or out of my comfort zone... but because I faced each difficult/uncomfortable situation head-on, leaning on God for wisdom, support, and courage... I'm more than I ever dreamed I could be!

Today (well yesterday Feburary 4th), I sat at our semi-annual microretreat (an overnight meeting consisting of adult counselors and youth leaders), wondering if God is calling me to continue being a youth counselor. Should I still even be here? I've missed like 2-3 Friday nights in a row because I've been too tired and overstretched myself doing too many things. Am I more of a disruption in small group as a counselor who's always missing? How can I support my student small group leader and advise her if I'm not present? Moreover, I'm super sporadic on my currently non-existent weekly follow-up phone calls! What kind of counselor am I?

As an events team advisor... I haven't taken the time to train my co-advisor... or focus on growing my two youth events team members! What in the world am I doing? I haven't been doing my "job" as a counselor seriously since my chemo started. I'm using chemo as an excuse to escape a duty I promised I'd participate in for a year... can I stop halfway? I'm sure I can back out if I asked... but do I really want to?

Thinking back on this microretreat... so fun! As a whole leadership team, we worked together to slide down a concrete slide coated with sand on a small cardboard... 18 people using only a small cardboard 5 times! Then we carried water in small cups in our mouths while swinging across monkey bars... splashing most(or all) of the water up our noses and down our shirts. With the water we managed to carry through 2 sets of monkey bars, we filled two water guns and took turns shooting the water to fill a bucket. YAY!!! The activity took longer than expected, but the teambuilding activity turned out great! The kids really worked well together!

After this, we got into our groups to discuss our upcoming plans for this Feburary through July term. So fun! I'm really excited for the potential growth and creative opportunities my events team as planned! *jumping up and down*

Late in the evening, we did an activity called Heartbreaker. We pick names, then pray about what we will share about that person: a positive thing, then a challenge for the person to improve upon, and finish with another encouragement. This activity took us 2.5 hours! I love it... this is a time we take to support, encourage, critique, and grow each other... Everyone participates and multiple people chime in. Kinda scary because I never know what's going to be said about me, but at the same time... always uplifting and heartfelt.

Being here in this microretreat... I don't want to leave. I don't want this time to end! Here, I feel cared for, safe, challenged, and excited to plan for future activities... I want to see God grow these children more and more... I want to see these student leaders be stretched outside of their comfort zones and reach out to others out of the love and excitement they each gain from personally knowing a loving God and Jesus' sacrifice. I want to be a part of Footprints... even if it's just a little longer!

Father God, help me to commit to going to all Footprint activities even while I'm going through chemotherapy. Lord, give me the strength and the excitement to participate in youth group even if I'm not feeling well. Give me the strength to be there for my student leaders and small group leader. Lord, please continue to grow me, be my strength when I have none left. Lord, I ask that while I'm still getting chemo... may I not miss a single Friday or Saturday Footprints night. Help me to participate fully as a youth counselor and not make any excuses to skip out from my duties that I feel you've called me to perform. Lord, I feel at peace commiting to serving the rest of this new term as a youth counselor, so please give me the strength to be what I am not so that I can be present to support and advise and grow your children. Help me role-model what it means to follow you, a loving and all-powerful God, with faith in action. Help me to live my life so that you, Lord Father, will be glorified. Keep me healthy, keep me strong.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

This is a song we sang at church today that I found really matched my thoughts and feelings:

Hillsong - Mighty to Save - With Subtitles/Lyrics - Mighty to Save DVD

Everyone needs compassion,
Love thats never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Well everyone needs forgiveness,
Kindness of a savior
The Hope of the nation

(Chorus)

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender

Thanks everyone for reading! I feel so honored that you take a part of your week to follow my blog. I hope that my life and my thoughts may inspire and challenge you to face life... that you will really enjoy the many blessings you are given and overcome challenges with joy that you will become even more than you are now.

My friend also posted some videos... check them out (top right column of this blog page)! *wide grin* It's some of my thoughts in a different format... still trying to figure out where to take it. If you have any ideas, please let me know!

Thanks for your support! *big hugs*
Kristy