This past Tuesday after work, I dragged myself into the shower. I love warm water, but hate getting out cold. *smirk* I place shampoo on my hands and run it through my hair. What I didn't expect was a lot more hair on my hands than the norm. Is my hair supposed to fall out already? Dunno, I forgot to ask the doctors... I just know that loosing my hair is something I'd have to deal with "later."
Guess I have to deal with it now. *grimace*
I clean the tub free of my loose hair... towel myself dry... and find MORE hair everywhere. Okay... this is going to be really annoying!
For these past two days, my hair is falling out faster and faster. The doctor stated that hair normally gets shaved about a month after chemo starts... I've only had my second treatment of chemo and this is only the second week... ummmmmmm.... guess it's the start of my third week?
I need to start facing reality. I'm loosing my hair... fast. My hair now falls out in long strands that can be braided easily into bracelets. =O I look around this morning and see mini-piles of hair stuck to my shoulders, my toys, my pillow. I run my fingers through my hair and remove fistfuls of hair. *shudder* This is really gross! I feel like a walking, shedding, human furball. *sniffle*
I cry a little as I think of shaving my head... I know that my hair, or lack of it, will not change who I am... but I've always had hair that I'm proud of showing off. *grin* The way my hair is right now... I don't even dare to touch it because more will just come off in my fingers. I don't dare to brush my hair... I don't dare to get it wet... I don't dare to pull my hair knowing that it'll just fall out.
Practically thinking, keeping my hair now becomes more of a disadvantage, a source of irritation and stress. Everyone already knows I'm going through chemo... shaving my head will just be a visible reminder that I'm not as healthy as I wish I was or as healthy as I sometimes feel. *sigh* Besides the visual difference, I will not change... actually, I should feel better to be free from the prison my hair is starting to become. Inside, I'm at least hoping to keep my eyelashes and eyebrows. I'm too lazy to put on make-up daily and I really don't wanna look like an alien. Side perk... I won't need to shave my legs. *wide grin*
Father in Heaven, thank you for giving me the courage to face what's going on in my life. Thank you that I have the full support of my family and friends as I walk down this path filled with change and what feels like difficult decisions. Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes and giving me the strength to deal with the here and now... to not be made into a prisoner, trapped by fear.
Please give me the physical strength today to spend with my siblings when they come over... to help me do crazy chores like strip wallpaper, paint moldings, or even do a little yardwork. I ask, Lord, that you please give me the energy to spend time with my family before my brother leaves for China. Bless us with a day of fun family time, great memories, positive teamwork, and even joy as I later will ask them to shave my head.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Second Round of Chemo!
Yesterday, this is what I prayed:
Father, I want to feel really really good today! I have two friends from work who are willing to hang-out with me and my sister is coming too! I don't want to feel bad or nauseous or drowsy. Instead, I really want to be able to enjoy their company and play games!!! =D
Then at night, we have our monthly South Bay dinner and games. Lord, Noel and I kept debating about whether or not to switch to a different Wednesday, but each time we ask you... there's no feeling of urgency or need to change dates. So Father in Heaven, we will trust that you will provide for my health and that you will continue to be present in the dinner and games tonight... to create a night of fellowship, fun-filled laughter, enough food, and that my health will not become an issue.
In Jesus name I pray, amen!
So on Wednesday, Janurary 25... I felt great the whole day!!! Thank God! I got jabbed 3 times as the nurses attempted to place my chemo port in and take my lab draws... but after that, everything went really smooth. I saw the doctor for an update, made a whole schedule full of appointments every other week, and then went off to the infusion center for my chemotherapy.
At the infusion center, time just flew by! Four of us played Blockus (an awesomely fun game *smirk*). Before I knew it... I was getting my infusion of meds with no problems!!! Didn't take the Benedryl this time and wasn't sleepy at all. *wide grin*
Bonus, because the IV port was placed in a large vein this visit, my arm didn't hurt when I got infused with the Gemcitabine! Hurray!!! Last time... my arm hurt like crazy! Praise the Lord!!!
Then at night... God blessed us so that my sister drove me home by 7pm, Noel cooked a yummy dinner (no left-overs, but just enough for 14 people), we played multiple crazy games of Nerts (group speed solitaire in competition format) with lots of yelling and distractions, all the dishes got cleaned and tables wiped... perfect! I just wish I had more time to spend with people one-on-one, but I did have some time to talk in-depth with a couple people... that's what I love about hosting these monthly nights... I never know what cool discussions God will produce or what little tidbit more of someone I get to learn about... these are some things that drive me... that keep me going... that fill me with joy.
I love sharing how awesome God is in my life because this is where my hope and my joy come from. Without God and how God's grown me, stretched me, over the years... I definitely wouldn't be the person you know today. Right now, even with the cancer and a huge unknown future... I feel so alive and blessed and loved... truely living life is so much more worth it than just "getting by."
Today... I almost forgot to give myself the Neulasta injection! *smirk* Almost $5000 in this one little syringe... yikes!
While typing the first half of this blog... I grabbed the Neulasta from the fridge and warmed it in my left hand. Tentitively, I pull off the cover and stare at this one-inch long needle... very shiney! Okay... where do I want to inject this? Last time was in my right arm... ummmmmmm... well, I'm getting a massage tonight with another friend from work (Yay!!!) and the arm tends to get massaged more than the stomach or front thighs. Okay, I'll go for my left arm!
Let's copy what the nurse did... but first, I just wanna see how sharp this thing feels. I lightly tap the needle against my skin... okay, that'll hurt. I quickly rough-up my skin a bit to desensitize the area, push my chubby triceps area against the chair's backrest while using my right thumb to help pinch the fat (grrrrrr.... I need to work out my arms again). Here I go, slide the needle in (no problem... it's just kinda long) with no pain when I just go slow after the needle pierces the skin. Next step, just inject right? Oops! To fast actually hurts! No wonder the lady injected the med super slow last-time... okay, I take like 30 seconds to inject this tiny little bit of liquid... YAY!!! Complete! Mission accomplished!
My left arm is now starting to ache. Bummer... I forgot to pray about the side effects of this med! I prayed super hard for God to alleviate the the side effects of the chemo this visit... and forgot that the Neulasta can also cause it's own batch of issues. *tsk tsk* You'd think I'd remember to pray for everything by now! Guess it's times like these that I can see how God works miracles. When I pray and when I don't... I definitely notice a difference in my attitude, my approach to dealing with issues, the outcome. *smirk* Well, this is one of the ways I know over and over again how real God is in my life... over and over I see my Father in Heaven works when I pray... it's an awesome feeling that someone so powerful loves me enough to care about how I feel and what I need... then surprises me by providing better. Cool huh?
Lord, thank you for the reminders of your personal presence in my life. Thank you that you've invested so much time into my selfish requests and that you provide better than I can ask for. Thank you, Father, for growing my relationship with you over the years to the point that I can no longer deny that you are my Lord God who loves me beyond my capabilities of imagination. Thank you for sending your only son, Jesus Christ, to die and be raised again so that I can have this intimate relationship with you. Thank you, Lord, that you are a personal God and not just a religion or untouchable selfish being who plays with my life just for fun. Thank you Lord, that your intentions are always to grow me closer to you, not to torture me, but because you love me more than I love myself.
In Jesus' holy name I praise my Father in Heaven for all the blessings, for my joy, and for this one life I have to live, amen.
Father, I want to feel really really good today! I have two friends from work who are willing to hang-out with me and my sister is coming too! I don't want to feel bad or nauseous or drowsy. Instead, I really want to be able to enjoy their company and play games!!! =D
Then at night, we have our monthly South Bay dinner and games. Lord, Noel and I kept debating about whether or not to switch to a different Wednesday, but each time we ask you... there's no feeling of urgency or need to change dates. So Father in Heaven, we will trust that you will provide for my health and that you will continue to be present in the dinner and games tonight... to create a night of fellowship, fun-filled laughter, enough food, and that my health will not become an issue.
In Jesus name I pray, amen!
So on Wednesday, Janurary 25... I felt great the whole day!!! Thank God! I got jabbed 3 times as the nurses attempted to place my chemo port in and take my lab draws... but after that, everything went really smooth. I saw the doctor for an update, made a whole schedule full of appointments every other week, and then went off to the infusion center for my chemotherapy.
At the infusion center, time just flew by! Four of us played Blockus (an awesomely fun game *smirk*). Before I knew it... I was getting my infusion of meds with no problems!!! Didn't take the Benedryl this time and wasn't sleepy at all. *wide grin*
Bonus, because the IV port was placed in a large vein this visit, my arm didn't hurt when I got infused with the Gemcitabine! Hurray!!! Last time... my arm hurt like crazy! Praise the Lord!!!
Then at night... God blessed us so that my sister drove me home by 7pm, Noel cooked a yummy dinner (no left-overs, but just enough for 14 people), we played multiple crazy games of Nerts (group speed solitaire in competition format) with lots of yelling and distractions, all the dishes got cleaned and tables wiped... perfect! I just wish I had more time to spend with people one-on-one, but I did have some time to talk in-depth with a couple people... that's what I love about hosting these monthly nights... I never know what cool discussions God will produce or what little tidbit more of someone I get to learn about... these are some things that drive me... that keep me going... that fill me with joy.
I love sharing how awesome God is in my life because this is where my hope and my joy come from. Without God and how God's grown me, stretched me, over the years... I definitely wouldn't be the person you know today. Right now, even with the cancer and a huge unknown future... I feel so alive and blessed and loved... truely living life is so much more worth it than just "getting by."
Today... I almost forgot to give myself the Neulasta injection! *smirk* Almost $5000 in this one little syringe... yikes!
While typing the first half of this blog... I grabbed the Neulasta from the fridge and warmed it in my left hand. Tentitively, I pull off the cover and stare at this one-inch long needle... very shiney! Okay... where do I want to inject this? Last time was in my right arm... ummmmmmm... well, I'm getting a massage tonight with another friend from work (Yay!!!) and the arm tends to get massaged more than the stomach or front thighs. Okay, I'll go for my left arm!
Let's copy what the nurse did... but first, I just wanna see how sharp this thing feels. I lightly tap the needle against my skin... okay, that'll hurt. I quickly rough-up my skin a bit to desensitize the area, push my chubby triceps area against the chair's backrest while using my right thumb to help pinch the fat (grrrrrr.... I need to work out my arms again). Here I go, slide the needle in (no problem... it's just kinda long) with no pain when I just go slow after the needle pierces the skin. Next step, just inject right? Oops! To fast actually hurts! No wonder the lady injected the med super slow last-time... okay, I take like 30 seconds to inject this tiny little bit of liquid... YAY!!! Complete! Mission accomplished!
My left arm is now starting to ache. Bummer... I forgot to pray about the side effects of this med! I prayed super hard for God to alleviate the the side effects of the chemo this visit... and forgot that the Neulasta can also cause it's own batch of issues. *tsk tsk* You'd think I'd remember to pray for everything by now! Guess it's times like these that I can see how God works miracles. When I pray and when I don't... I definitely notice a difference in my attitude, my approach to dealing with issues, the outcome. *smirk* Well, this is one of the ways I know over and over again how real God is in my life... over and over I see my Father in Heaven works when I pray... it's an awesome feeling that someone so powerful loves me enough to care about how I feel and what I need... then surprises me by providing better. Cool huh?
Lord, thank you for the reminders of your personal presence in my life. Thank you that you've invested so much time into my selfish requests and that you provide better than I can ask for. Thank you, Father, for growing my relationship with you over the years to the point that I can no longer deny that you are my Lord God who loves me beyond my capabilities of imagination. Thank you for sending your only son, Jesus Christ, to die and be raised again so that I can have this intimate relationship with you. Thank you, Lord, that you are a personal God and not just a religion or untouchable selfish being who plays with my life just for fun. Thank you Lord, that your intentions are always to grow me closer to you, not to torture me, but because you love me more than I love myself.
In Jesus' holy name I praise my Father in Heaven for all the blessings, for my joy, and for this one life I have to live, amen.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Mortgage and Refinance
I want a change of pace... getting tired about writing all about my cancer stuff, how I'm doing, etc. *smirk* Time for something a little different. Plus, I'm getting bored of reading manga... I've been reading every night after work for the last couple of days... too much of a good thing becomes very unsatisfying! Bummer... *deep sigh*
Back in November, I sprawled in bed as household finance numbers drifted in and out of my head. I remember tossing up a quick prayer: "God, I know Noel and I just refinanced to a lower interest rate early this year... whenever the time is right to refinance again, please let me get a notice in the mail from our lender notifying us to refinance. When that happens, I'll get the process started. But Lord, I ask that when we refinance... that you provide a super great deal with no extra fees or tricks. Ideally, I really want to get rid of our mortgage insurance sooner so that more money can be placed into repaying our principle. Thank you. In Jesus' name I pray, amen."
Early this month, I got a notice asking Noel and I to consider refinance. Yay! Time to get started!
I love seeing God provide awesome deals in unique ways. *wide grin* It's a fun game between God and I. I ask knowing that my Father in Heaven provides in crazy ways... and it's always amusing to see how my needs and many of my wants get provided for in a way I never expected or could even dream of.
This time around, I talk to the lender fairly late on Friday... right before the MLK holiday weekend. Turns out that it was also the very last day to submit loan paperwork to keep a lower mortgage insurance cost... that even a day later, I'd have to refinance with a higher pay out. Even better than this deal, it's been exactly a year since I last refinanced... meaning that I'm free to do so again. Cool huh? Perfect end of one loan period and just in time to start a new one with the most minimal long-term and short-term costs. Furthermore, since I'm going with the same lender... all fees/costs will be paid for by the lender, we get a whole 1% decrease in our interest rate (a crazy 3.25% interest), the opportunity to pay off our mortgage in 15 years while our monthly cost will still be LESS than what Noel and I currently pay a month, AND we also get the chance to nix our mortgage insurance in less than a year's time! *awe* Moreover, the required paperwork is minimal since the lender still has all our information.
Lord Father, thank you for your insane blessing!!! You take a 30-year home loan starting at 5.10% back in 2005 and turn it around into a 15-year loan at 3.25% now. Father God, it's crazy how all I have to do is just ask, sit back and wait (sometimes this is the hardest part), and you ALWAYS show me better than I ask for. I know that you don't answer all my selfish personal prayers, but at the same time Lord, you love to show off your power over the most insignificant issues and prove how much I am loved, how real you really are, how nothing is too much or too little to ask for. Thank you for growing my relationship with you, Father God, so that I can see you work so many miracles in my life, that you've grown me to have trust in you even when logically the outcome is impossible. Thank you for always providing even when I don't deserve it!
Lord God, I give the rest of this refinance into your hands. May the home appraisal be just the correct amount for the purpose and intention of our needs. May all the following paperwork and all further transactions be executed smoothly with no mistakes or irritable glitches. Give Noel and I wisdom in regards to what steps we need to take/perform in order to pay off all our debts and to wisely handle the money you've placed in our care.
Thank you, Lord, for answering crazy prayers, unspoken desires/needs, and always showing me over and over again that you care more for me personally (my relationship with you, my attitude, my heart) than anything else I could do or give or say. Thank you, Father God, for always giving me the best even when I sometimes only want what's good enough. May you please bless those who read this blog with knowing how real and powerful and wonderful a personal Father God you are.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Back in November, I sprawled in bed as household finance numbers drifted in and out of my head. I remember tossing up a quick prayer: "God, I know Noel and I just refinanced to a lower interest rate early this year... whenever the time is right to refinance again, please let me get a notice in the mail from our lender notifying us to refinance. When that happens, I'll get the process started. But Lord, I ask that when we refinance... that you provide a super great deal with no extra fees or tricks. Ideally, I really want to get rid of our mortgage insurance sooner so that more money can be placed into repaying our principle. Thank you. In Jesus' name I pray, amen."
Early this month, I got a notice asking Noel and I to consider refinance. Yay! Time to get started!
I love seeing God provide awesome deals in unique ways. *wide grin* It's a fun game between God and I. I ask knowing that my Father in Heaven provides in crazy ways... and it's always amusing to see how my needs and many of my wants get provided for in a way I never expected or could even dream of.
This time around, I talk to the lender fairly late on Friday... right before the MLK holiday weekend. Turns out that it was also the very last day to submit loan paperwork to keep a lower mortgage insurance cost... that even a day later, I'd have to refinance with a higher pay out. Even better than this deal, it's been exactly a year since I last refinanced... meaning that I'm free to do so again. Cool huh? Perfect end of one loan period and just in time to start a new one with the most minimal long-term and short-term costs. Furthermore, since I'm going with the same lender... all fees/costs will be paid for by the lender, we get a whole 1% decrease in our interest rate (a crazy 3.25% interest), the opportunity to pay off our mortgage in 15 years while our monthly cost will still be LESS than what Noel and I currently pay a month, AND we also get the chance to nix our mortgage insurance in less than a year's time! *awe* Moreover, the required paperwork is minimal since the lender still has all our information.
Lord Father, thank you for your insane blessing!!! You take a 30-year home loan starting at 5.10% back in 2005 and turn it around into a 15-year loan at 3.25% now. Father God, it's crazy how all I have to do is just ask, sit back and wait (sometimes this is the hardest part), and you ALWAYS show me better than I ask for. I know that you don't answer all my selfish personal prayers, but at the same time Lord, you love to show off your power over the most insignificant issues and prove how much I am loved, how real you really are, how nothing is too much or too little to ask for. Thank you for growing my relationship with you, Father God, so that I can see you work so many miracles in my life, that you've grown me to have trust in you even when logically the outcome is impossible. Thank you for always providing even when I don't deserve it!
Lord God, I give the rest of this refinance into your hands. May the home appraisal be just the correct amount for the purpose and intention of our needs. May all the following paperwork and all further transactions be executed smoothly with no mistakes or irritable glitches. Give Noel and I wisdom in regards to what steps we need to take/perform in order to pay off all our debts and to wisely handle the money you've placed in our care.
Thank you, Lord, for answering crazy prayers, unspoken desires/needs, and always showing me over and over again that you care more for me personally (my relationship with you, my attitude, my heart) than anything else I could do or give or say. Thank you, Father God, for always giving me the best even when I sometimes only want what's good enough. May you please bless those who read this blog with knowing how real and powerful and wonderful a personal Father God you are.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Friday, January 13, 2012
First day post-chemo
I'm feeling great!!! Hurray!!!
I was so worried yesterday getting my first set of chemotherapy infusions because my body is usually really sensitive to medications... but besides being a little sleepy (likely from the benedryl) and my left arm hurting when the Gemcitabine was being infused... NO ISSUES! I'm so super happy!!! *wide grin*
No soreness from the Neulasta shot today either! Score! =D
I actually had a lot of fun today... got to spend time with Noel (we both got a little grumpy, probably with the residual stress from yesterday... but it's all better now), visited a friend's new baby, and received a super funny picture from my loving co-workers with oranges in their mouths and holding post-its reading "We ❤ U"!!! I love it!
Today, the only side effects I noticed are shakiness in my limbs that went away as the day progressed, needing more focus to use the same amount of muscle strength, and a definite decrease in my sense of taste! I chewed a jalapeno pepper and its seeds today with no problem! A slight warmth in my mouth, but that's it! *awed*
I'm feeling a little edgy right now, but that's probably because I spent too much time yesterday and today sitting around... I feel like I need to MOVE! Maybe I'll consider starting a gym membership again? I love to sit and read when I'm super busy (total procrastinator), but I find that when I'm forced to sit still... I crave being active! *smirk* Contrary huh?
During our young adult fellowship today, I found myself doing deep squats with prolonged holds just to get the jitters out... was tempted to go for a run too! Heheheee... Am I weird? *wide grin*
Father in heaven, thank you so much for such a wonderful blessing during this time of my first chemo treatment. Even though things may get a lot tougher along the way, thank you, Lord, for easing me in!
Lord, I ask that you continue to help keep me and Noel strong, both physically and mentally. May we not use this cancer and times of difficulty as an excuse to slack-off!
Thank you, Father, for the thousand and one blessings! In Jesus' name I pray for all this and more, amen.
I was so worried yesterday getting my first set of chemotherapy infusions because my body is usually really sensitive to medications... but besides being a little sleepy (likely from the benedryl) and my left arm hurting when the Gemcitabine was being infused... NO ISSUES! I'm so super happy!!! *wide grin*
No soreness from the Neulasta shot today either! Score! =D
I actually had a lot of fun today... got to spend time with Noel (we both got a little grumpy, probably with the residual stress from yesterday... but it's all better now), visited a friend's new baby, and received a super funny picture from my loving co-workers with oranges in their mouths and holding post-its reading "We ❤ U"!!! I love it!
Today, the only side effects I noticed are shakiness in my limbs that went away as the day progressed, needing more focus to use the same amount of muscle strength, and a definite decrease in my sense of taste! I chewed a jalapeno pepper and its seeds today with no problem! A slight warmth in my mouth, but that's it! *awed*
I'm feeling a little edgy right now, but that's probably because I spent too much time yesterday and today sitting around... I feel like I need to MOVE! Maybe I'll consider starting a gym membership again? I love to sit and read when I'm super busy (total procrastinator), but I find that when I'm forced to sit still... I crave being active! *smirk* Contrary huh?
During our young adult fellowship today, I found myself doing deep squats with prolonged holds just to get the jitters out... was tempted to go for a run too! Heheheee... Am I weird? *wide grin*
Father in heaven, thank you so much for such a wonderful blessing during this time of my first chemo treatment. Even though things may get a lot tougher along the way, thank you, Lord, for easing me in!
Lord, I ask that you continue to help keep me and Noel strong, both physically and mentally. May we not use this cancer and times of difficulty as an excuse to slack-off!
Thank you, Father, for the thousand and one blessings! In Jesus' name I pray for all this and more, amen.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
First day of chemo
Slept in late today and Noel cooked me a super yummy breakfast of macnut/cashew pancakes, over-easy egg, and bacon!!! Yummmmmmmm!!!
At Stanford, there are lots of cars constantly coming in/out of the patient parking lot. Noel drops me off while I get my labs done.
Laboratory @ 12:00pm
After registering, a tech brings me in for a blood draw. Please please don't put the line in my elbow!!! She asks me which arm, I tell her left... and she immediately goes for my elbow stating that most lab draws are done there. But wait, the line needs to stay in for the chemo. *Sniffle* Once she realized the simple blood draw also goes for the chemo infusion site, she asked me to wait for a nurse to place my peripheral line. In the end, the line gets placed near my left wrist. Not bad... I can still use my arm! *Wide grin*
MD appt @ 1:00pm
Waiting for this appointment, Noel and I play with our iPads... Me typing with the keyboard Hubby got me...makes typing soooooooo much easier! Yay!!! *thumbs up*
I see the PA (physician's assistant) first, then the MD. Both tell me more information about the chemo and Neulasta side effects and future expectations.
Infusion Center @ 2:00pm
I meet this super nice nurse who is totally on top of my chemo treatment and the potential side effects I may have. She actually listened to me about my allergies with ethanol and planned my meds acccordingly. First, she starts me out on just IV saline (water with a little salt) as my meds kick in: zofran (2), pepside, dexamethasone, and benedryl.
At 4:08pm, I official start my first chemo infusion of docetaxel... the nurse ramps up my meds from 10ml/hr to 20, 50, 75... I've got 250ml to get in me before the next chemo treatment starts. Then at 4:37pm, I start this infusion at 250ml/hr. Hurray, I'm only sleepy... probably from the benedryl. *wide grin* My stubborness is making me fight my sleepiness so I'm blogging instead! *wink*
Gemcitabine started at 5:42pm... this one makes my whole arm hurt! The nurse gave me a warm pack, kinda helps. I think the warmth is more of a distraction than taking away the pain... I take that back! The pain jumped back up as soon as the heat-pack rolled off my arm... okies, I need the heat pack!
Chemo infusion done at 6:40pm! Hurray!!!
Docetaxel:
*50% chance of producing some severe side effects as I get this infusion.
*Severe retension of fluid, but the corticosteroid is supposed to help.
*Infusion about 1.5 to 2 hours.
Gemcitabine:
*Overall fairly gentle, but can irritate the vien.
*Beware if my temp ever goes of 100.4F, I'll need to call in right away
*Can cause patches of rashes to form.
*Drops my blood plasma, meaning easy bruising and slower blood clot formations (nurse in the infusion center reccomends no paintball because of the potential for severe bruising).
*Infusion about 30-45 min.
Neulasta:
*Injection, potential to get it and inject myself at home. Per the PA, each shot costs $18,000 (this cost probably includes a hospital service fee because I checked my pending order at Walgreens and the cost would be $4,4274.09, if I get it, paid for by my insurance). *impish grin*
*Potential for severe bone or muscle ache for about 3 days. The sensations are strong enough some people have gotten scared and gone to the emergency room. *shiver*
*Purpose is to increase my white blood cell count for immune system protection that the chemo and steroids drop.
*Other option is to get Neupogen, which I can inject at home. This'll be a daily injection for 5 days post each chemo session.
Tomorrow:
I come back for my Neulasta shot at 2:50pm... maybe I should come earlier to check out their wig day? *impish grin*
Father God... Even though I trust that the side effects I get are the ones that you allow... coming into the cancer center today was really scary. I will continue to obey you, Father, and do this chemo as you've guided the doctors to provide... but I'm still nervous. Even though my whole future is unknown to me, it's comforting to make plans and hope for the future. So, Lord, please continue to give me reasons to hope and things to plan for.
When people ask me to go out... I realize that I hesitate because I'm not sure how I'll feel. Lord, I don't want the fear to stop me. Please help me make deciscions based not what on what I may or may not be able to do; but instead, be based on my current health. Lord, give me a heart to trust you in regards to any upcoming challenges and lay aside all the potentials. Please continue to help me review and acknowledge the best and the worst of each situation, accept it, and move on without dwelling of the "what if..." issues.
Lord, thank you that there were absolutely no major problems today!!!!
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
At Stanford, there are lots of cars constantly coming in/out of the patient parking lot. Noel drops me off while I get my labs done.
Laboratory @ 12:00pm
After registering, a tech brings me in for a blood draw. Please please don't put the line in my elbow!!! She asks me which arm, I tell her left... and she immediately goes for my elbow stating that most lab draws are done there. But wait, the line needs to stay in for the chemo. *Sniffle* Once she realized the simple blood draw also goes for the chemo infusion site, she asked me to wait for a nurse to place my peripheral line. In the end, the line gets placed near my left wrist. Not bad... I can still use my arm! *Wide grin*
MD appt @ 1:00pm
Waiting for this appointment, Noel and I play with our iPads... Me typing with the keyboard Hubby got me...makes typing soooooooo much easier! Yay!!! *thumbs up*
I see the PA (physician's assistant) first, then the MD. Both tell me more information about the chemo and Neulasta side effects and future expectations.
Infusion Center @ 2:00pm
I meet this super nice nurse who is totally on top of my chemo treatment and the potential side effects I may have. She actually listened to me about my allergies with ethanol and planned my meds acccordingly. First, she starts me out on just IV saline (water with a little salt) as my meds kick in: zofran (2), pepside, dexamethasone, and benedryl.
At 4:08pm, I official start my first chemo infusion of docetaxel... the nurse ramps up my meds from 10ml/hr to 20, 50, 75... I've got 250ml to get in me before the next chemo treatment starts. Then at 4:37pm, I start this infusion at 250ml/hr. Hurray, I'm only sleepy... probably from the benedryl. *wide grin* My stubborness is making me fight my sleepiness so I'm blogging instead! *wink*
Gemcitabine started at 5:42pm... this one makes my whole arm hurt! The nurse gave me a warm pack, kinda helps. I think the warmth is more of a distraction than taking away the pain... I take that back! The pain jumped back up as soon as the heat-pack rolled off my arm... okies, I need the heat pack!
Chemo infusion done at 6:40pm! Hurray!!!
Docetaxel:
*50% chance of producing some severe side effects as I get this infusion.
*Severe retension of fluid, but the corticosteroid is supposed to help.
*Infusion about 1.5 to 2 hours.
Gemcitabine:
*Overall fairly gentle, but can irritate the vien.
*Beware if my temp ever goes of 100.4F, I'll need to call in right away
*Can cause patches of rashes to form.
*Drops my blood plasma, meaning easy bruising and slower blood clot formations (nurse in the infusion center reccomends no paintball because of the potential for severe bruising).
*Infusion about 30-45 min.
Neulasta:
*Injection, potential to get it and inject myself at home. Per the PA, each shot costs $18,000 (this cost probably includes a hospital service fee because I checked my pending order at Walgreens and the cost would be $4,4274.09, if I get it, paid for by my insurance). *impish grin*
*Potential for severe bone or muscle ache for about 3 days. The sensations are strong enough some people have gotten scared and gone to the emergency room. *shiver*
*Purpose is to increase my white blood cell count for immune system protection that the chemo and steroids drop.
*Other option is to get Neupogen, which I can inject at home. This'll be a daily injection for 5 days post each chemo session.
Tomorrow:
I come back for my Neulasta shot at 2:50pm... maybe I should come earlier to check out their wig day? *impish grin*
Father God... Even though I trust that the side effects I get are the ones that you allow... coming into the cancer center today was really scary. I will continue to obey you, Father, and do this chemo as you've guided the doctors to provide... but I'm still nervous. Even though my whole future is unknown to me, it's comforting to make plans and hope for the future. So, Lord, please continue to give me reasons to hope and things to plan for.
When people ask me to go out... I realize that I hesitate because I'm not sure how I'll feel. Lord, I don't want the fear to stop me. Please help me make deciscions based not what on what I may or may not be able to do; but instead, be based on my current health. Lord, give me a heart to trust you in regards to any upcoming challenges and lay aside all the potentials. Please continue to help me review and acknowledge the best and the worst of each situation, accept it, and move on without dwelling of the "what if..." issues.
Lord, thank you that there were absolutely no major problems today!!!!
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Paintball and Sushi
I finally got the chance to play paintball after 3 long months! Yay! I'm still so excited about playing paintball yesterday that I wish I could go back out today. =D Because I enjoyed the day so much... I'm having a real hard time putting everything into words. I've already done like 2-3 drafts of this post because my brain keeps replaying all the fun that I have no words left! Ummm... that's about 6-7 hours on this one post alone... it's like homework! *tsk tsk*
Saturday, Jan 7, 2012:
Noel and I barely wake up in enough time to grab our gear and stuff everything into the trunk of my car. Running an internal checklist, I count off the many pieces of equipment, clothing, extraneous gear, batteries... did I miss anything? Noel grabbed some stuff and I grabbed others. Ah well... seems like everything accounted for... we'll find out once we need stuff. *sheepish grin*
Arriving at Santa Clara Paintball (SCP), I busily don my gear, pay for paint and chrono the equipment... and best of all, I get to greet many friends I haven't seen in like forever... well, that's what it felt like! Friends who work at SCP, friends who came to play paintball with me, great weather... what more can I ask for?
One of the games I remember most was when we planned for two players to play in the doritos. Midway through the morning, I've figured out that I only have a 25% chance of getting hit if I run straight from the start to the first dorito... and since we're not playing a tournament, the paint that did hit wasn't likely to break. *smirk* I'm already slowing down so I can't afford to take the long route. *wry grin*
Sprinting to the first dorito, I make it with no hits! Okies, next attack point is to the mini dorito. Once there, I get more fire on me and had to tuck in really tight to the little bunker. My teammate, now in the first dorito, drew enough paint for me to get to the dorito 50. Yes!!! Now I get to really shoot people! Closest tower out! heheheheheeee... if I creep to the next mini dorito, my entire opponent's field would be open. Trying to run, I find my foot hooked on a bunker strap. ahhhhhh... I need to move now or I'll get shot! Shaking my tangled leg and clumsily running forward, I make it to the mini dorito. Grrrr... I'm so out of shape that my quads are starting to burn! Left tower is now out... back center is out too. *smirk* Panting, I eventually make it to the last dorito as my teammates and I work together to eliminate our opponents. YAY!!! Snake is now out too! Is that another player in the snake? Out! Anyone left? That's five right? Game!!! Hurray!!!
Even as my quads burn, my speed slows down, and my movements get sloppy... more more!!! I'm not done until my paint starts running out! *wide grin* The snake side was set-up kinda different, but I don't play snake much. Poor snake players. *snicker* I like playing in the doritos, triangular-shaped inflatable bunkers... there were a LOT of doritos this time. Nice!
Only once did I try playing snake... fail! I got immediately to snake 2, then got stuck. The guy playing on the opponent's team this round is nicknamed "Old Guy." *wide grin* Unlike what his nickname says, he's fast and a great shot. Bummer, he never left me enough time where I could crawl to snake 3... I felt totally useless. If I stuck my head up, I'd get shot... if I crawl backwards... I'd have no one to shoot at! *smirk* I'm not used to keeping my head down and not having the ability to look around. Something I've really gotta work on!
To top off the day, I used a friend's beautiful pink and black Ego 11. *drool* I so want one!!! Friends also provided for my admission fee and three of them gifted me with these awesome SCP shirts! *so happy* I'm going to wear these shirts whenever I get my chemo treatments as my reminder of the friends who are waiting for me to come out and play paintball again! I'm going to work my hardest to get back out on the field as soon as possible! I'm told that I likely will be too tired to play paintball while I'm going through chemo treatments... *tearful look* Maybe, just maybe I can??? *praying really hard*
I miss playing paintball with a group where we are all able to laugh at each other and ourselves, have multiple games of 5-on-5, and were also gifted with our own private field where we set our own rules with our own ref. =D Today, I felt soooo spoiled! It makes a huge difference playing with people (in this case all friends so it was sooooooooo much better) who are encouraging, have a positive attitude, willing to call out mistakes, demonstrate integrity, willing to give advice, are playful, and best of all... perfectly happy to shoot me. Yay!!! *happy smile* For all this fun, I got only one bruise, a scraped knee, and a small cut on my finger. Not bad huh? No big bruise or scar to show-off to my friends at work this week. =D
A special thanks goes to my friends at work! Noel and I received a huge gift that allowed us to play paintball this weekend without worrying about the lay-off notice Noel just received on Friday. My co-workers told us to "go have fun before chemo" and almost everyone we love playing paintball with made the time to come! *feeling super happy* I've been wanting to play with everyone again for a long long time... Thanks everyone for taking the time to come play with us on a Saturday!!! Too bad so many of the SCP staff had to work... *wide grin* Woulda been fun to drag everyone out! hehehheeee... I can't complain, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of time with everyone and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it!
Saturday evening, Noel and I used part of the gift from my friends at work and splurged on a super yummy meal at Sushi Sam's that basically cost us about $4-$5 for each piece of sushi!!! I'd be totally cautious about spending money for extravagances like this night's dinner with the upcoming potential budget cuts to our household spending, but since my friends at work totally provided, I will gladly eat up the yumminess! *drool*
Noel and I got the Omakase (chef's choice)... yummy!!! Each piece of sushi was different in taste, flavor, texture, appearance. *eyes closed dreaming* Halibut, so light with a tinge of soysauce flavoring. Blue shrimp, firm and salty... the fried head with eyes starring at me was kinda disturbing but very flavorful and crunchy! Sockeye salmon, one of the best pieces I've ever eaten, no hint of fishiness, all super smooth and soft in texture. Amberjack, slightly fishy with a firm bite. Horse mackerel, firm texture and strong flavor. Trout... so soft with a clean taste. Freshwater eel, spicey... totally not what I expected. Seared toro, another best with a super soft salty flavor that melts in the mouth. Just writing about this and I want more!
Lord in heaven, thank you for a whole day of fun. Thank you for this time with friends. Thank you for the encouragement, strength, and motivation I receive that keeps me going. Thank you, Lord, that you use the family and friends around us to bless Noel and I with the opportunity to play paintball (my muscles still feel a light ache) and eat a super mouth-watering dinner of sushi. *still totally drooling*
Right now, even as I nervously anticipate my upcoming chemotherapy session, face Noel's upcoming job loss, deal with having to turn on/off our main water supply at home due to a leak... I rejoice because I have an all-powerful God who has already provided in many crazy ways and situations.
Lord God, thank you for the knowledge that I don't need to be the one in control... I don't have the power to change my cancer, provide Noel with a job, or magically fix the water leak. However, you God, can. But God, because of the circumstances I find myself in, I can see how many people care for Noel and I.
Thank you, Lord, for this joy that comes not from the challenges I face, but from this proven belief that you will always provide.
In Jesus' name, I praise my Father in heaven for showing me what a good life I have, amen.
Saturday, Jan 7, 2012:
Noel and I barely wake up in enough time to grab our gear and stuff everything into the trunk of my car. Running an internal checklist, I count off the many pieces of equipment, clothing, extraneous gear, batteries... did I miss anything? Noel grabbed some stuff and I grabbed others. Ah well... seems like everything accounted for... we'll find out once we need stuff. *sheepish grin*
Arriving at Santa Clara Paintball (SCP), I busily don my gear, pay for paint and chrono the equipment... and best of all, I get to greet many friends I haven't seen in like forever... well, that's what it felt like! Friends who work at SCP, friends who came to play paintball with me, great weather... what more can I ask for?
One of the games I remember most was when we planned for two players to play in the doritos. Midway through the morning, I've figured out that I only have a 25% chance of getting hit if I run straight from the start to the first dorito... and since we're not playing a tournament, the paint that did hit wasn't likely to break. *smirk* I'm already slowing down so I can't afford to take the long route. *wry grin*
Sprinting to the first dorito, I make it with no hits! Okies, next attack point is to the mini dorito. Once there, I get more fire on me and had to tuck in really tight to the little bunker. My teammate, now in the first dorito, drew enough paint for me to get to the dorito 50. Yes!!! Now I get to really shoot people! Closest tower out! heheheheheeee... if I creep to the next mini dorito, my entire opponent's field would be open. Trying to run, I find my foot hooked on a bunker strap. ahhhhhh... I need to move now or I'll get shot! Shaking my tangled leg and clumsily running forward, I make it to the mini dorito. Grrrr... I'm so out of shape that my quads are starting to burn! Left tower is now out... back center is out too. *smirk* Panting, I eventually make it to the last dorito as my teammates and I work together to eliminate our opponents. YAY!!! Snake is now out too! Is that another player in the snake? Out! Anyone left? That's five right? Game!!! Hurray!!!
Even as my quads burn, my speed slows down, and my movements get sloppy... more more!!! I'm not done until my paint starts running out! *wide grin* The snake side was set-up kinda different, but I don't play snake much. Poor snake players. *snicker* I like playing in the doritos, triangular-shaped inflatable bunkers... there were a LOT of doritos this time. Nice!
Only once did I try playing snake... fail! I got immediately to snake 2, then got stuck. The guy playing on the opponent's team this round is nicknamed "Old Guy." *wide grin* Unlike what his nickname says, he's fast and a great shot. Bummer, he never left me enough time where I could crawl to snake 3... I felt totally useless. If I stuck my head up, I'd get shot... if I crawl backwards... I'd have no one to shoot at! *smirk* I'm not used to keeping my head down and not having the ability to look around. Something I've really gotta work on!
To top off the day, I used a friend's beautiful pink and black Ego 11. *drool* I so want one!!! Friends also provided for my admission fee and three of them gifted me with these awesome SCP shirts! *so happy* I'm going to wear these shirts whenever I get my chemo treatments as my reminder of the friends who are waiting for me to come out and play paintball again! I'm going to work my hardest to get back out on the field as soon as possible! I'm told that I likely will be too tired to play paintball while I'm going through chemo treatments... *tearful look* Maybe, just maybe I can??? *praying really hard*
I miss playing paintball with a group where we are all able to laugh at each other and ourselves, have multiple games of 5-on-5, and were also gifted with our own private field where we set our own rules with our own ref. =D Today, I felt soooo spoiled! It makes a huge difference playing with people (in this case all friends so it was sooooooooo much better) who are encouraging, have a positive attitude, willing to call out mistakes, demonstrate integrity, willing to give advice, are playful, and best of all... perfectly happy to shoot me. Yay!!! *happy smile* For all this fun, I got only one bruise, a scraped knee, and a small cut on my finger. Not bad huh? No big bruise or scar to show-off to my friends at work this week. =D
A special thanks goes to my friends at work! Noel and I received a huge gift that allowed us to play paintball this weekend without worrying about the lay-off notice Noel just received on Friday. My co-workers told us to "go have fun before chemo" and almost everyone we love playing paintball with made the time to come! *feeling super happy* I've been wanting to play with everyone again for a long long time... Thanks everyone for taking the time to come play with us on a Saturday!!! Too bad so many of the SCP staff had to work... *wide grin* Woulda been fun to drag everyone out! hehehheeee... I can't complain, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of time with everyone and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it!
Saturday evening, Noel and I used part of the gift from my friends at work and splurged on a super yummy meal at Sushi Sam's that basically cost us about $4-$5 for each piece of sushi!!! I'd be totally cautious about spending money for extravagances like this night's dinner with the upcoming potential budget cuts to our household spending, but since my friends at work totally provided, I will gladly eat up the yumminess! *drool*
Noel and I got the Omakase (chef's choice)... yummy!!! Each piece of sushi was different in taste, flavor, texture, appearance. *eyes closed dreaming* Halibut, so light with a tinge of soysauce flavoring. Blue shrimp, firm and salty... the fried head with eyes starring at me was kinda disturbing but very flavorful and crunchy! Sockeye salmon, one of the best pieces I've ever eaten, no hint of fishiness, all super smooth and soft in texture. Amberjack, slightly fishy with a firm bite. Horse mackerel, firm texture and strong flavor. Trout... so soft with a clean taste. Freshwater eel, spicey... totally not what I expected. Seared toro, another best with a super soft salty flavor that melts in the mouth. Just writing about this and I want more!
Lord in heaven, thank you for a whole day of fun. Thank you for this time with friends. Thank you for the encouragement, strength, and motivation I receive that keeps me going. Thank you, Lord, that you use the family and friends around us to bless Noel and I with the opportunity to play paintball (my muscles still feel a light ache) and eat a super mouth-watering dinner of sushi. *still totally drooling*
Right now, even as I nervously anticipate my upcoming chemotherapy session, face Noel's upcoming job loss, deal with having to turn on/off our main water supply at home due to a leak... I rejoice because I have an all-powerful God who has already provided in many crazy ways and situations.
Lord God, thank you for the knowledge that I don't need to be the one in control... I don't have the power to change my cancer, provide Noel with a job, or magically fix the water leak. However, you God, can. But God, because of the circumstances I find myself in, I can see how many people care for Noel and I.
Thank you, Lord, for this joy that comes not from the challenges I face, but from this proven belief that you will always provide.
In Jesus' name, I praise my Father in heaven for showing me what a good life I have, amen.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Many Blessings
There's so much I want to write... lots of stuff about the fun I have at work, how special my husband is, how great my family is, how much I treasure the people around me! I think about all these things in detail, but then get too lazy to blog it. *sheepish grin* Someday, I hope to get more of my thoughts out there. Right now, I struggle with blogging vs reading manga online... it's easier to just read manga instead of taking the time to write out my thoughts. *wide grin* That's why my recent blog posts are so short. *smirk* I'm lazy and easily distracted! =D
When I blog, I'm tempted to write using people's names as I tell my stories... but since everything is so public, I want to provide people with privacy as well. Hope no one feels offended that I chose to not use names... if you're mentioned in these blog posts, hopefully you'll know it's you. *wink*
A lot of people ask me, "how come you're so calm with this cancer thing?"
Why am I so calm? I believe that my peace comes from knowing that God has a purpose for me and for this cancer. I believe that my personal relationship with God, one-on-one, allows me to appreciate the challenges I've face and how each one has grown me. I believe that my life is worth something, even though I don't know what that something may be. I believe that my attitude reflects the hope I have because of Jesus Christ, for my life and the impact I can make.
I know that I am loved... even more so now than if I never had this cancer. If my body was perfect... I wouldn't need to depend of others, I wouldn't know what true community is, I wouldn't need to break down and let others into my personal life. Because of this cancer, I am so blessed! I see the love of my friends at work... the care they have for me, the way I can depend on each one of them, the special conversations I've had when each person shows me their encouragement and support, the intentional gift of time and even money so that I can have fun before chemo. I am touched beyond words at the love I've been shown.
At church, I'm gifted with food that people specially cooked or bought and delivered (even with horrible traffic) to bring to Noel and I, I receive words of support and wisdom, I get lots of hugs and the abiltiy to just be myself.
At home, I get to see how much my husband treasures me, the care he takes when making me food, cleaning up after me when I'm just totally lazy, listening to me as I toss ideas at him from leadership issues to finances to future health and chemo plans. My parents and family on both side clearly demonstrate their care, concern, and support. There are even people who I have never met who support me and pray for me. What more can I ask for? I get to live my life and not feel alone, I have hope instead of despair, I live this life fullfilled and not empty... I am blessed with all these things and so much more... but it's because I can't depend only on myself that I have this strength and this strong sense of being cared for.
Whereever I turn, I feel more loved, more supported, more encouraged now than ever before. This isn't because the love, support, and encouragement weren't there... it's always been there! My pride and feelings of independence created a sense of self-suffienciency where I felt like I did't need help... I can live on my own two feet... but I sometimes felt kinda lonely too. Right now, I'm loving the sense of community that comes from inter-dependence. I'm not alone... I have so many people I impact and that have a great impact on me. I'm learning that as my body breaks down, I'm stronger than ever because my strength isn't from myself but from those around me.
I thank you, God, for the blessing of my cancer. I don't need to live long, but I want to live life to it's fullest. Thank you, Lord, that I'm not created to be independent, but to live supported and supporting others as a family and in a community. Thank you for the fullness of this life I get to live. Thank you for the thousands of blessings I have received. Thank you for the constant love, support, and encouragement that strengthens me. Thank you for the fun and hope, peace and joy that I'm being blessed with. Lord, may those around me also be blessed as I am blessed, not with my trials, but with your peace, your hope, your strength, and the joy in this life that can be found in your presence.
Lord Father in heaven, my words and my praise to you is inadequate... but may my thoughts, my heart, my feelings come through clearly.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
When I blog, I'm tempted to write using people's names as I tell my stories... but since everything is so public, I want to provide people with privacy as well. Hope no one feels offended that I chose to not use names... if you're mentioned in these blog posts, hopefully you'll know it's you. *wink*
A lot of people ask me, "how come you're so calm with this cancer thing?"
Why am I so calm? I believe that my peace comes from knowing that God has a purpose for me and for this cancer. I believe that my personal relationship with God, one-on-one, allows me to appreciate the challenges I've face and how each one has grown me. I believe that my life is worth something, even though I don't know what that something may be. I believe that my attitude reflects the hope I have because of Jesus Christ, for my life and the impact I can make.
I know that I am loved... even more so now than if I never had this cancer. If my body was perfect... I wouldn't need to depend of others, I wouldn't know what true community is, I wouldn't need to break down and let others into my personal life. Because of this cancer, I am so blessed! I see the love of my friends at work... the care they have for me, the way I can depend on each one of them, the special conversations I've had when each person shows me their encouragement and support, the intentional gift of time and even money so that I can have fun before chemo. I am touched beyond words at the love I've been shown.
At church, I'm gifted with food that people specially cooked or bought and delivered (even with horrible traffic) to bring to Noel and I, I receive words of support and wisdom, I get lots of hugs and the abiltiy to just be myself.
At home, I get to see how much my husband treasures me, the care he takes when making me food, cleaning up after me when I'm just totally lazy, listening to me as I toss ideas at him from leadership issues to finances to future health and chemo plans. My parents and family on both side clearly demonstrate their care, concern, and support. There are even people who I have never met who support me and pray for me. What more can I ask for? I get to live my life and not feel alone, I have hope instead of despair, I live this life fullfilled and not empty... I am blessed with all these things and so much more... but it's because I can't depend only on myself that I have this strength and this strong sense of being cared for.
Whereever I turn, I feel more loved, more supported, more encouraged now than ever before. This isn't because the love, support, and encouragement weren't there... it's always been there! My pride and feelings of independence created a sense of self-suffienciency where I felt like I did't need help... I can live on my own two feet... but I sometimes felt kinda lonely too. Right now, I'm loving the sense of community that comes from inter-dependence. I'm not alone... I have so many people I impact and that have a great impact on me. I'm learning that as my body breaks down, I'm stronger than ever because my strength isn't from myself but from those around me.
I thank you, God, for the blessing of my cancer. I don't need to live long, but I want to live life to it's fullest. Thank you, Lord, that I'm not created to be independent, but to live supported and supporting others as a family and in a community. Thank you for the fullness of this life I get to live. Thank you for the thousands of blessings I have received. Thank you for the constant love, support, and encouragement that strengthens me. Thank you for the fun and hope, peace and joy that I'm being blessed with. Lord, may those around me also be blessed as I am blessed, not with my trials, but with your peace, your hope, your strength, and the joy in this life that can be found in your presence.
Lord Father in heaven, my words and my praise to you is inadequate... but may my thoughts, my heart, my feelings come through clearly.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
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