Feeling the Pain

“Food allergies?  Well, besides dairy, gluten’s pretty bad.  Yeah, feed me some and I’ll show you what happens!”  *wide grin*  “Want me to try some?”

No one ever takes me up on the offer; honestly, I’m not serious either.  Even though I can list the side effects of ingesting a product with gluten, it’s been months since I remember actually having to personally deal with the situation.  Bad experiences fade over time…. Or rather, Kristy’s brain is like a sieve and I don’t retain a lot of information unless I’m actively using it!

While shopping for groceries, I find a yummy guava juice that I used to drink years ago.  *drool*  Nothing  in the ingredients state gluten; I can’t find anything online pointing one way or another so there’s only this huge unknown “natural flavor” ingredient.  I know that depending on what the “natural flavor” is and what it’s made from, there is a chance the ingredient contains gluten.  *shrug*  Well, so far almost all the natural flavoring products I’ve come across are safe.  I’ll be fine.  Even just a small fraction in the juice should be okay right?

Wrong.  Oh am I so wrong about taking my food allergies lightly.

Saturday evening, my whole midsection hurts, but I’ll live.  *shrug*  No big deal, I’ve dealt with this situation before, I can do it again.  Today will be achiness everywhere; tomorrow I’ll feel bruised inside; day after I should be back on my feet.  Easy.

Well... not quite so easy.

Sunday morning… okay this is beyond NOT fun.  Each breath I take sends flashes of pain ripping through my abdomen; deep inside, muscles spasm, twist and knot.  I clench my teeth, my arms and legs are tense as I hiss in response to the pain.  Panting with shallow breaths, I attempt to minimize all movement.  Wait, what if I roll to my side?  Rolling (not even an inch), I quickly stop as waves of agony wash through my mind.  This is so NOT a good idea.   Returning to rest in my original position, I move slowly, freezing as each small muscle twitch amplifies into minutes of prolonged agony. 

Great… why didn’t I remember how bad the pain is?  Was it this bad before?  I can remember every instance where I had trouble moving due to pain… this doesn’t top my worst day, but it definitely makes it into my top 10 most painful experiences list.  Grrrr… This will pass right?  By tomorrow, my insides will feel like I got punched black and blue, but I should still be able to work.  This pain, I just have to hold on for one more day… after that, I’ll get better again.  I always get better.

Finally, the long-awaited Monday comes.  YAY!!!  Knowing that my pain should be gone, I twist my body in an attempt to snuggle deeper into the comforters.  Instead, I barely move and my eyes pop open as fresh waves of pain assail me.  What’s going on?  I didn’t have abdominal surgery again did I?  No, this is much worse.  After each abdominal surgery, even without pain meds, I could still move.  Right now, I hurt so much that I’m afraid to move anything.  I can feel my insides shifting with gravity.  The dull ache’s expected, but I’m surprised at how the smallest movements still send shards of hot knives through my abdomen… mostly just on my right side.  Ahhhh… got it… right side is where my largest tumors are.  Meh.

Frozen in a partial roll, I debate my options.  Well, today _is_ better than yesterday right?  Nothing inside is torn, probably just inflamed.  I’ve got to get up some day anyways.  Jamming my arms into the bed, I vault my body upright.  Gasping for air, my mouth opens but my body refuses to take a breath in!  Frozen, my head spins, my body feels both weak and yet trembles with tension.  Stop… this hurts too much!

Focus 

                             Slow breaths

                Concentrate

Pain is only a sensation.  There is no injury.  I have no wound.

I need to stand up.  My back refuses to straighten.  I hurt.  Shuffling forward, each step drives nails into my abdomen.  There’s no way I can make it to work today; I can’t even walk properly much less attempt to treat patients!

Tilting my head up, I look at myself in the mirror.  Oh, this looks good… my back is curved into a half cirlce, my shoulders are up by my ears, I can’t straighten my knees.  Oh yeah… this posture will inspire so much confidence towards me as a therapist.  Okay… today’s a no go for work… back to bed.  Slowly, slowly… move, pause, breathe, relax.  Repeat.  I can do this.  I can get back into bed… then I can relax.  For now, just ignore the pain.  Pain’s still there.  Ignore it.  Pain alone can’t kill me.  Keep moving.  I got this far away from the bed, I can make it back.  I will make it back!

Father God, as always, you provide in amazing ways.  Usually, my CT scan is scheduled first thing in the morning, but this time you set my appointment in the afternoon.  I tried calling radiology a couple of times to move the appointment earlier but could never get through.  Every time I even thought about changing my CT scan appointment time, you stopped me.  End result?  Your timing is perfect.  Your plan is flawless.  I couldn’t get to my CT appointment any earlier than my scheduled afternoon slot.

*wide grin*  You’d think I’d learn my lesson already!  When you provide Lord, there’s a reason; even if I don’t know what your reasons are, everything always turns out better than just right!

Lord Jesus, give me the wisdom to take care of this body even as I push it to the limits.  Thank you for taking most of the pain away.  Thank you that I could go back to work on Tuesday, have Wednesday to rest, work on Thursday, have Friday to rest… and then sucessfully work on Saturday with the help of a co-worker who decided to freely volunteer her time, totally unpaid, to help me get through the day.  As usual, God, your provisions, your timing… everything is better than perfect when I lay my schedule, my activities, my life at your feet.

Thank you, Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit… for loving me so much that my life is better than anything I dreamed of as a child.  Thank you for the challenges to grow me.  Thank you for the difficulties that allow me to see you in action.  Thank you for the love you shower on me.  Thank you for times of action and times of rest.

May I continue to seek you, Lord God and you alone.  For in your presence, I am complete, I am whole, I am satisfied. 

I lift my hands in praise to my amazing God who allows me to dwell in his presence, who gives me better than the best, who fulfills every need and heals every hurt.  In Jesus’ name I lift my voice in praise, amen.

This is me crawling out of my new mild hyperbaric oxygen chamber gifted by my parents, my brother, Winston, my sister, Jessica, and her husband, Andrew.  Thank you guys for the awesome gift!!!

Two Sides of a Coin

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Breath in.  Breathe out.  In.  Out.

I'm still awake. 

Laying in bed, I shudder as a chill runs through my body.  No, I don't have a fever, nor do I have I cold. I just don't feel well.  I feel like a broken record.  I'm tired.  I'm also tired of being tired.

Layer on layer of blankets push down on me.  My arms appreciate the warmth as I snuggle close to Noel.  My feet, not so happy.  The pressure of these blankets, while welcome, seem to bother my feet.  So uncomfortable.  Irritably, I shift my feet, pointing them outwards. The blankets still push on my toes.  This sucks.  Rolling to my left, I snuggle my back against Noel's warmth. 

Cuddling my hot water bottle, I consider my options.  One, I can try to sleep... I really want to sleep.  Did I mention that I'm tired?  Or two, stay awake because I'm going to need to run to the toilet, again.  That'll be the fifth time or maybe sixth time in this hour?  Life can really suck.  Maybe I should take more meds?  Well, if I could know the future, I would've taken meds an hour ago. 

So, why not take the meds now?  *sigh*  Should I brave the cold?  Is it worth it?  Probably... But it'll be cold outside these blessed blankets!  As is, I may have another hour of facing the cold anyways... May as well add another trip. 

Grumbling in my head, I slide my feet out.  Yikes!  The air really is chilly.  I wanna stay in bed!  Half-in and half-out of bed...I'm enjoying the warmth under partial blankets but also feeling the cold in the room.... that part's not so pleasant.  Ah, Kristy, move it!  Flipping the blankets off, I slide out of bed onto my feet.  Legs trembling, I shuffle through the dark, around the bed, to the bathroom.  Closing the door behind me, I flick on the lights.  This way, I won't wake Noel.  At least, I hope I won't.  He's gotta work tomorrow.

Fingers now chilled by the air, I grab my medicine by the sink.  Standing here, my legs tremble.  I wish I could say I'm shivering from the cold.  Yeah, it's chilly, but my legs are just weak.  Today is one if those not-so-good days where everything I do feels like an instant energy drain.  Sinking to my bottom, I sit on the bathroom floor.  Medicine bottle in hand, I stare at the bright orange plastic.  Come on, all I've gotta so is twist the white cap.  *deep sigh*  Did I mention I hate taking meds?

Twisting the white cap, I pop open the lid and pour out little white pills into my palm.  Taking one, I place the rest back into the bottle.  With a click, I twist the cap closed.  Attempting to break the pill in half... well, tonight, that's not working.  My fingers are still strong (I think) but they feel bruised from the neuropathy... kind of hard to use.  Staring at the tiny white pill, I bring it to my mouth and bite.  Half the pill crumbles into my mouth.  Carefully, I twist my upper body until I can grab the counter.  Hands reaching up, I grab ledge.  Pull.  With determination, I heave myself back onto my feet. Placing the pill bottle at the edge of the sink, I gently place the left-over white half-pill on the lid. That will be for later. 

Tired, I lean my elbows on the counter.  Swiveling my left arm, I grab my cup.  Shifting my body left, I shift most my weight onto my left elbow to support myself.  My legs ache.  Silly huh?  Just a little standing and I feel like I'm near my limit. 

Filling my cup with water, I down my medicine.  Hands now frozen by the cold water, I contemplate the walk back to bed.  Should I just stay here in the restroom?  Sure it's cold, but if I need to use the toilet again, I'm so much closer.  Ahhhh, why am I being lazy?  Everything I do, every extra step, is exercise!  I'm weak enough... moving is good for me.

Shuffling forward, I turn off the light.  Opening the door, I inch my way around the base of the bed.  Sitting gently, I carefully swing my legs up and quickly burrow into the comforters.  Ahhhhh, so warm.  Wriggling my feet, I wrap my toes around the warm water bottle Noel placed in the bed just for me.  Lifesaver!  

The soothing warmth calms me.  Slowly, I let my muscles relax.  Sinking into the bed, maybe now I can finally rest?

 

Lord God, I seem to be getting weaker... not stronger.  I know the doctors tell me that I'm doing really well... I'm glad to hear that, but living like this is tough.  Thank you, Father God, for the loving company of friend, for the distraction of starting a jewelry shop on Etsy and for the ability to surf on Pinterest.  Lord, I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to this body.  I know you bless me so that while I hang out with family and friends, my body (for the most part) is on its best behavior.  Thank you so much for that blessing!  Thank you, Lord Father, for taking care of me... for making socializing still possible... for giving me the strength to sit when standing takes too much out of me.

God, being 20 pound lighter than 6 months ago scares me.  It's not like I was chubby before... but now, I just look anorexic.  *shudder*  Father, after chemo is done, can you please help me regain my muscle mass?  Not for looks, but so that I can participate in my hobbies without restrictions.  I want to run while playing paintball, carrying full pods of paint and wearing all my gear.  I want to rock climb, the longer climbs twice without stopping.  I want to walk without my hips getting tired.  I want to stand without fear of collapsing.  When I finally return to work, I want to serve my patients without running to the toilet.

Father, there are days when I have the energy to cook.  Then there are days when I feel like crawling.  One body, but every day changes... I never know what to expect.

 

God, when I'm feeling down, help me to see you... in my life, as my support... remind me that you are the source of my strength.  Father, when this set of chemotherapy is done... can you please heal me?  Fully?  That'd be super nice.  But whatever your plans are, Father, may my attitude, my actions, my heart shine with your Spirit.  May you, O Lord, be ever honored and glorified.  

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Thanks Stephen for the newest video at http://youtu.be/_agZq6Iwc5g

Nina and I learn to cook pad see ew and Korean tacos!  Yummy!  Thanks Nina!

 

 

Karen and I working on earrings.  See how much of a mess I make?

Earrings finished!!!  We're wearing them.  =D

Earrings I made for my sister: sterling silver, pink cats-eye and Swarovski crystal

Red Fire & Ice Earrings... thinking if I should change it.  Red ruby gemstone and Swarovski crystal on sterling silver.

Morning at Home

New Video: Kristy gets a haircut!
Thanks Stephen for doing such an awesome job compiling this!  Video can also can be found in my video corner... look to the right of your screen.  =D

Monday, Novemeber 18, 2013

Warm.  Soft.  Comfortable.  Drifting in a haze of  *beep* *beep* *beep*  "Hmmmmmm..."  Burying my head deeper into warm comforters, I attempt to ignore the intruding sounds of an old alarm clock.

The body besides me flings out his arm, hitting the snooze button.  Grumbling at the seeping cold, I cling tighter to my pillows, seeking warmth.  Arms and legs reach out, blindly grasping, winding tight around the only other warm object available, my husband.  Twinning tight... I'm not letting go!

Quiet.  Peace.  Radiating warmth.  I relax and submerge myself back into vivid dreams of real people and fantastically impossible situations. This must be a side effect of the chemotherapy because I only ever get these crazy half awake, half asleep dreams each week I first get back home.

Drifting in warm gray fog, real or not, I don't care.  This is comfortable.  Diffuse light flows softly, calmly.  Nothing harsh, nothing sharp exists here.  Nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry over.  I'm content to stay like this forever!  What?  Cold seeps in, reality intrudes. My warm heat source is moving!  Nooooooo!!!  Dazed, I feel warm blankets tucked tight around me. A flutter of cold air and a smaller blanket settles around me, lulling me into its warm embrace.

In the muffled distance, I can hear my husband getting ready to start his day.  So soon?  Plantively, I offer a token grumble of protest.  No effect.  Bummer.  A new day.  What dragons will I face this time?  Slowly, I prepare.  Layer on layer of expectations, resolutions... list upon list of intentions.  Armor.  Guard. Shield.  Heart.  Okay... think I'm prepared to face the day.

Thump.  The bed shakes.  Careful.  Slow.  Determined.  A heavy weight approaches.  Nooooooooooo, I don't want this, not right now!  I'm not ready yet!  The bed dips.  Closer and closer.  Up my leg, then my hip... finally, settling on my upper chest.  Face tucked close with mine, my cat, Mika, pads at my neck and purrs.  Soft.  Fluffy.  Whiskers in my face.  Glowing eyes stare deep into my sleep-glazed eyes. Ugh.  So heavy.  Paws constantly moving, demanding attention, demanding to be petted and cuddled.  A distracted glance, that's all it takes.  Mika stealthily creeps forward, closer, even closer.  A paw lands on my face.  Annoyed, I wiggle to dislodge the unwanted bulk.  Insufficient.  Against Mika's determined will and my half-hearted attempts, I loose.  Soft, cute, furry... Yeah, all that and _heavy_ too.  Grrrr.... get that fluffy butt OFF my face!

"Good morning Ma'am.  I have your breakfast.  What is your name and birthday?"  Huh?  What?  Heavy Philipino accent?  I'm home right?  Or am I dreaming and I'm still at the hospital?  Argh... where am I really?  Rolling towards the voice, I crack open one eye .  There's a cat, I've gotta be at home.  Through dense fuzzy fur, I see two arms outreached, a silhouette with his back hunched forward and a steaming bowl of what smells like chicken soup.  Blinking away my mental fog, I watch my husband as he stands there watching me.  What in the world?  His body language looks just like the service staff at the hospital offering me food!

Bursting out in laughter, I reply "Kristy Esporo.  July 5th, 19**."

Humph, thought you're gonna figure out how old I am huh?  You really wanna know?  Too bad for those who don't already know.  *smirk*

Thank you, Father God, for a wonderful husband who daily serves me breakfast in bed.  Thank you for his constant sense of humor, his positive attitude, his loving heart.  Lord, you've blessed me beyond measure.  Because of your provisions, my husband and I can wake up laughing.  Because of these many gifts you've given us, we don't have to wake up in the morning and worry about what the day will bring... we know that you've already provided and will continue to provide.  Any worries we may have are just a slight drop in the calm pool of your all-powerful presence.

Lord, I am overwhelmed by your love.  So deep.  So impossible.  So complete.

May the laughter your've blessed us with in our household resound in those reading this blog.  Father God, you are awesome.  What else can I say?  Money, security, health... Noel and I have none of these in excess, but we are joyful in your presence beyond comprehension because we know... we know that we are completely cared for, loved, and that nothing... absolutely nothing is out of your control.  Lord God, I feel so loved now, more than when our jobs were stable.  More than when I had full independence.  More than when I thought I knew where my life was headed.  Lord... all the dreams that were based on stability and independence... now out the window... I am happier and acknowledge that I am more blessed than I believed possible!  Thank you.

In Jesus' holy name, I give my thanks, amen.

Ducking down so the needles show!  =D  Acupuncture is so cool... I felt so much better!

My parents and I having fun with the camera phone.

Basics of Survival

Monday, July 16, 2012

Wow... time really flies by quickly!  My blog posts are coming in on Mondays instead of Sunday... hehehheee... more like Monday night into Tuesday.  *grimace*  Making myself sit down in one place to type feels just too much like homework... ahhhhhh.... manga.  *wide grin*  I get easily distracted... or rather, I intentionally allow myself to become distracted.  *wink*

Anyways... what I wanted to talk about... there are 3 things floating in my head right now: personal annoyance with post-chemo weakness, super excited feeling that God totally answered my prayers about getting a purple/black paintball gun super cheap, and joy at time spent with my husband and brother taking a basic survival course.  *super wide smile*

Today, since I'm lazy... I'm just going to write about the survival course!  This course started as a Groupon gift for my brother, Winston.  So exciting!  I get to spend time with my brother and husband learning some really cool stuff!

Debris shelter came first:
1.  Choose a good location, out of wind and potentially damp areas.  Ideal goal is to build the shelter facing east, head higher than feet if the ground isn't flat, and over a slight mound where materials are readily available.
2.  Framework built of a sturdy thick ridge-pole with smaller ribs leaning against it, triangular shape, to shed water and a sturdy doorway.  If the frame's gaps are too big, can weave smaller sticks through the ribs to shrink the openings.  Size of the shelter's framework should be as small as possible to wiggle into!
3.  Pile 4-6 feet of loose debris over the frame, about 10 inches of debris as ground insulation, and more loose debris inside the shelter as a blanket.  Goal is to minimize air-space.  Treat the debris like a blanket.  What is debris you ask?  It's all the loose dried leaves and sticks and dirt you can find laying around!
4.  Wriggle into the shelter and pull debris to block the entrance-way... supposedly 2-3 feet thick.  How do I pull that much stuff behind me in a tight spot?

Here's a video of me climbing into the partially-made debris shelter.  This was a group effort of 8 people in 40 minutes.  The shelter has a lot of wasted space in it's length and not enough debris, but I gotta say that it was sturdy enough to walk on!  *wide grin*  Thank God I didn't notice any bugs!!!

Kristy climbing into partially-made debris shelter

Starting a fire... now this is difficult!!!  The instructor started his fire from nothing in less than a minute!  Looks sooooo easy... it's not!

First we had to carve our own fire-making tools.  A sharp knife in one hand, wood in the other... I carved a spindle (pointier on the top than the bottom), tied power-cord to a slightly curved stick for the bow, and gouged divots and notches into wood.  Now that I have my set of fire-starting tools... I'm ready to start!  My left foot steps on the rectangular piece of wood with a leaf under to catch the "coal."  This coal is what's supposed to start the fire in a nest of loose string fibers.  I loop the spindle into my bow, pinning the spindle between the rectangular piece of wood and another wooden handle, left arm wrapped around my left leg, attempting to pin my wrist to my shin.  Slowly, my right hand pulls and pushes on the bow causing my spindle to spin... faster and faster and FASTER!  Look!  A little smoke... okay, even faster now... Oops... I lost my tension on my handle and my spindle goes flying.  The little bit of blackened wood dust heated by friction slowly smokes... next thing I know, any sign of smoke or heat is gone!  *sniffle*  I can't seem to get that last step to create a proper coal that will ignite the fluffy fiber nest.  *sigh*

After the class, at home, my brother, Winston, my husband, Noel, and I attempted to create fire with no success.  *deep sigh*  At least we got the wood smoking!  =D

Me learning to create the tools to make a fire!

Noel stringing his bow... gotta get just the right tension!

Winston working hard at creating friction... will it succeed?  

Noel and I trying to create enough friction to produce a "coal."  My arm's sooooo tired!

Winston and Noel still trying to start that fire!  =P

Lord Father in Heaven, thank you for a wonderful time with my brother and my husband!  Even though I was super excited to create fire... it didn't happen.  Thank you, Father God, that I was able to experience this past day of fun!  The chance to learn how to create a proper shelter... I've always tried building shelters as a kid, now I have the knowledge in how to build one to survive in!  YAY!

And God... fire is just awesome!  Thank you for the opportunity to make tools that can start a fire!  This just gives me incentive to practice!  Someday, I want to start my own fires by not using any matches.  *wide grin*

Above all, Lord, thank you that I had enough strength to enjoy this survival course.  I got worried when I had to take a rest-break in order to climb to the meeting area... but Lord, you provided that I didn't have to carry anything heavy or attempt to go beyond my endurance threshold.  *wide smile*  Thank you, Father, for teaching me how to boil water with rocks, how to create my own wooden container, and the chance to enjoy the experience this day without getting too cold or fatigued.

Lord, I praise your name as my heart sings for joy.  I thank you for the blessings of this life and these experiences!  Father God, thank you that you open my eyes to see the provisions your set for me so that I can enjoy life even more.  Thank you, God, for the knowledge that you are my strength... even as I grumble when my body fails me, Father, the fact that I can still participate in this basic survival course is a miracle.

Thank you for blessings on blessings layered on blessings!  In Jesus' name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.

Paintball and Sushi

I finally got the chance to play paintball after 3 long months! Yay! I'm still so excited about playing paintball yesterday that I wish I could go back out today. =D Because I enjoyed the day so much... I'm having a real hard time putting everything into words. I've already done like 2-3 drafts of this post because my brain keeps replaying all the fun that I have no words left! Ummm... that's about 6-7 hours on this one post alone... it's like homework! *tsk tsk*

Saturday, Jan 7, 2012:

Noel and I barely wake up in enough time to grab our gear and stuff everything into the trunk of my car. Running an internal checklist, I count off the many pieces of equipment, clothing, extraneous gear, batteries... did I miss anything? Noel grabbed some stuff and I grabbed others. Ah well... seems like everything accounted for... we'll find out once we need stuff. *sheepish grin*

Arriving at Santa Clara Paintball (SCP), I busily don my gear, pay for paint and chrono the equipment... and best of all, I get to greet many friends I haven't seen in like forever... well, that's what it felt like! Friends who work at SCP, friends who came to play paintball with me, great weather... what more can I ask for?

One of the games I remember most was when we planned for two players to play in the doritos. Midway through the morning, I've figured out that I only have a 25% chance of getting hit if I run straight from the start to the first dorito... and since we're not playing a tournament, the paint that did hit wasn't likely to break. *smirk* I'm already slowing down so I can't afford to take the long route. *wry grin*

Sprinting to the first dorito, I make it with no hits! Okies, next attack point is to the mini dorito. Once there, I get more fire on me and had to tuck in really tight to the little bunker. My teammate, now in the first dorito, drew enough paint for me to get to the dorito 50. Yes!!! Now I get to really shoot people! Closest tower out! heheheheheeee... if I creep to the next mini dorito, my entire opponent's field would be open. Trying to run, I find my foot hooked on a bunker strap. ahhhhhh... I need to move now or I'll get shot! Shaking my tangled leg and clumsily running forward, I make it to the mini dorito. Grrrr... I'm so out of shape that my quads are starting to burn! Left tower is now out... back center is out too. *smirk* Panting, I eventually make it to the last dorito as my teammates and I work together to eliminate our opponents. YAY!!! Snake is now out too! Is that another player in the snake? Out! Anyone left? That's five right? Game!!! Hurray!!!

Even as my quads burn, my speed slows down, and my movements get sloppy... more more!!! I'm not done until my paint starts running out! *wide grin* The snake side was set-up kinda different, but I don't play snake much. Poor snake players. *snicker* I like playing in the doritos, triangular-shaped inflatable bunkers... there were a LOT of doritos this time. Nice!

Only once did I try playing snake... fail! I got immediately to snake 2, then got stuck. The guy playing on the opponent's team this round is nicknamed "Old Guy." *wide grin* Unlike what his nickname says, he's fast and a great shot. Bummer, he never left me enough time where I could crawl to snake 3... I felt totally useless. If I stuck my head up, I'd get shot... if I crawl backwards... I'd have no one to shoot at! *smirk* I'm not used to keeping my head down and not having the ability to look around. Something I've really gotta work on!

To top off the day, I used a friend's beautiful pink and black Ego 11. *drool* I so want one!!! Friends also provided for my admission fee and three of them gifted me with these awesome SCP shirts! *so happy* I'm going to wear these shirts whenever I get my chemo treatments as my reminder of the friends who are waiting for me to come out and play paintball again! I'm going to work my hardest to get back out on the field as soon as possible! I'm told that I likely will be too tired to play paintball while I'm going through chemo treatments... *tearful look* Maybe, just maybe I can??? *praying really hard*

I miss playing paintball with a group where we are all able to laugh at each other and ourselves, have multiple games of 5-on-5, and were also gifted with our own private field where we set our own rules with our own ref. =D Today, I felt soooo spoiled! It makes a huge difference playing with people (in this case all friends so it was sooooooooo much better) who are encouraging, have a positive attitude, willing to call out mistakes, demonstrate integrity, willing to give advice, are playful, and best of all... perfectly happy to shoot me. Yay!!! *happy smile* For all this fun, I got only one bruise, a scraped knee, and a small cut on my finger. Not bad huh? No big bruise or scar to show-off to my friends at work this week. =D

A special thanks goes to my friends at work! Noel and I received a huge gift that allowed us to play paintball this weekend without worrying about the lay-off notice Noel just received on Friday. My co-workers told us to "go have fun before chemo" and almost everyone we love playing paintball with made the time to come! *feeling super happy* I've been wanting to play with everyone again for a long long time... Thanks everyone for taking the time to come play with us on a Saturday!!! Too bad so many of the SCP staff had to work... *wide grin* Woulda been fun to drag everyone out! hehehheeee... I can't complain, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of time with everyone and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it!

Saturday evening, Noel and I used part of the gift from my friends at work and splurged on a super yummy meal at Sushi Sam's that basically cost us about $4-$5 for each piece of sushi!!! I'd be totally cautious about spending money for extravagances like this night's dinner with the upcoming potential budget cuts to our household spending, but since my friends at work totally provided, I will gladly eat up the yumminess! *drool*

Noel and I got the Omakase (chef's choice)... yummy!!! Each piece of sushi was different in taste, flavor, texture, appearance. *eyes closed dreaming* Halibut, so light with a tinge of soysauce flavoring. Blue shrimp, firm and salty... the fried head with eyes starring at me was kinda disturbing but very flavorful and crunchy! Sockeye salmon, one of the best pieces I've ever eaten, no hint of fishiness, all super smooth and soft in texture. Amberjack, slightly fishy with a firm bite. Horse mackerel, firm texture and strong flavor. Trout... so soft with a clean taste. Freshwater eel, spicey... totally not what I expected. Seared toro, another best with a super soft salty flavor that melts in the mouth. Just writing about this and I want more!

Lord in heaven, thank you for a whole day of fun. Thank you for this time with friends. Thank you for the encouragement, strength, and motivation I receive that keeps me going. Thank you, Lord, that you use the family and friends around us to bless Noel and I with the opportunity to play paintball (my muscles still feel a light ache) and eat a super mouth-watering dinner of sushi. *still totally drooling*

Right now, even as I nervously anticipate my upcoming chemotherapy session, face Noel's upcoming job loss, deal with having to turn on/off our main water supply at home due to a leak... I rejoice because I have an all-powerful God who has already provided in many crazy ways and situations.

Lord God, thank you for the knowledge that I don't need to be the one in control... I don't have the power to change my cancer, provide Noel with a job, or magically fix the water leak. However, you God, can. But God, because of the circumstances I find myself in, I can see how many people care for Noel and I.

Thank you, Lord, for this joy that comes not from the challenges I face, but from this proven belief that you will always provide.

In Jesus' name, I praise my Father in heaven for showing me what a good life I have, amen.