Gluten Video Challenge II

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Hi everyone!

I'm not feeling my best so this next blog post is also a video.  Here, I decide to trust God to protect me as I ingest 3 grains of barley.

Due to many amazing donations through GoFundMe online, I am able to see my acupuncturist twice a week to manage my increasing discomfort.  Thank you for your support that makes it possible for me to manage this body and the things God calls me to do with it.  *super big hug*

I will continue to trust in God as I step forward into unknown and potentially very painful territory.  Thank you for following my progress.

Here is my video:

The Promise: 8th Annual Church Paintball Event

Today is finally the day of our 8th Annual Church Paintball a Event!

God, you promised that I'll be able to play with no holds barred.  I will trust in your promise and your provision.  Forget the last couple days of dizziness or weakness; today, it's going to be amazingly awesome because you made this event possible!

Father God of all Heaven and Earth, into your hands I release this event into your care.



"Start in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Go.  Go.  Go. Go. GO!"

My heart pounds with the thump echoing in my ears.  Adrenaline courses through my veins. My eyes shine bright in anticipation and my feet bounce against the ground.  I love being on the paintball field; just being here makes me feel alive!

Holding myself still, I assess my side of the field.  Lord, where do you want me to go? There's 40 people here.  What if there's somebody who really needs or wants help... God, don't let anyone fall through the cracks today.  Guide me to serve so that your Spirit will shine and your presence be undeniably present!

Crouching nearby, I see one of our youth girls.  Gun in hand, she huddles behind a wall, unmoving.

Sliding forward, I gently I touch her shoulder and lean towards her left ear.  "Are you okay?  Is this scary?"

She slowly nods her head yes.

"No one is shooting here right now.  There's no paint hitting this wall or the ground around you.  Come, let's take a look to see if there's anyone you can shoot."

I peek around the wall, I encourage the girl to join me in scanning our surroundings.  No one in sight.  Good.  Coaxing her forward, we move to the next wall.  Ah, perfect!  No paint is flying in this direction.  Yes, opponents are visible.  Easy targets.  *drool*

"Can you see those guys in the middle?"

Cautiously, the girl peeks out.  Quickly, she pulls back and nods her head.  Guiding my hand along her gun, I position the gun against her shoulder and adjust the angle of the barrel.  "Okay, all you have to do is lean your body out, keep your gun pointed in this direction and pull the trigger."

"Game over.  Time's up!"

God, give this girl the strength and courage to step beyond her fears to enjoy the fun that paintball can be.  Give her and the rest of these kids (and adults) the support each needs to step forward, the ability to get past the painful hits, the courage to step back onto the battlefield, and the strength to stay positive in the face of loosing.  Lord, I ask for you to bless this group with fun, laughter and integrity regardless of winning, loosing, painful hits, or even unfair calls.  I ask that you show everyone this day what it is like to have you present.



We've only finished the first round of games, but already sweat trickles down my chest.  My gun, still unused, sags heavily in my hands.  Today's going to be hot!  Already, two people need band aids for cuts; one from a paintball, another from falling into the castle's moat.  Another guy limps off the field from a hard hit on his thigh. Around me, I hear stories of people getting shot in the groin and one on the neck.  Ouch!  

God, is this really okay?  There's a lot of minor injuries first thing in the morning!  Will anyone still want to play after this?  I know I prayed for openings to serve and for people to be loved on; but even for a paintball event, what kind of calamities are you going to allow for the rest of this day?

I'm scared, a little anxious.  But isn't this what I prayed for?  I asked God to be in complete control.  

As I shuffle my feet in resignation, a movement on my left catches my eye.  Turning my head, I see a bunch of guys crowding around a girl on the bench and two staff members present.  Oh shoot.  Is this girl part of our group?  One of the guys hovering around her is from my church youth group.  Heart sinking, I toss my gun on a nearby table and rush over.

Eyes glazed.  Minimal response.  Slowed speech.  Body drooping forward.  Not good.  I focus on the conversations around me:

"Yeah, I had to carry her."
                                                                   "Probably got too hot."
                                    "How are you feeling?"
                                                                                              "For a little bit, she was out."

                       Concern                         Helplessness
                                      Desperation                                                   Hesitation
                                                                                    Inexperience

Oh Lord, already?

I get the closest guy to lay the girl on the ground.  I send another for wet towels and hear footsteps running off.  Without turning away, I lift the girl's head and hand her a nearby Gatorade.  "Take a couple of sips every minute, no gulping."

Drat.  It's hard to drink laying down.  Too late to lift her upright.  Laying down is safer in case she blacks out.  

Taking a nearby sweatshirt, I stuff it under the girl's head for a pillow. Someone hands me two wet towels.  Perfect.  I quickly place one on her neck and hand her the other towel.  "Use this to wipe your face."  

Looking down, the girl appears more alert.  "Here, drink another couple of sips.  Cooling your body more would be good.  If your willing, squeeze the wet towel and soak your shirt across the abdomen.  It's hot enough your clothes will dry fast."

Oh Lord, did this really have to happen so early in the day?  Give me the wisdom to provide appropriate care for fluid dehydration.  Give me the eyes to assess this girl's body and plan for the next step.  Help me to manage today's event to completely eradicate the chance of anybody else getting dehydrated!

Father God, I know I asked for no major injuries, but this is cutting it pretty darn close!  In this type of heat, it's really hard to recover.  It sucks, but this girl may not be able to participate in today's paintball event.  Should I pull her out?  Return her money?  God, please give me your wisdom!  I want her to be able to play today.  I want her to be stable and safely play paintball with her friends!  I want her day to be filled with laughter, fun experiences, and for her to enjoy the deep sense of community only you can create.  I want her healthy so that her friends can also wholeheartedly enjoy the blessings of playing with and against each other.

"Here, make sure you sit in the shade.  Still feeling okay!  Dizzy?  Nauseas?  Discomfort? I'm honestly not sure if you can participate in the rest of paintball today.  Keep drinking sips of fluid; if you like Gatorade, switch between that and water.  I leave the decision up to you whether you choose to play or not.  But you've gotta be very careful; if this happens again, it'll be worse the second time around."

God help!



"Kristy, can I get a band aid?"

Turning around, I see that the next game, or maybe even the third game, has already ended.  "Sure.  Show me the cut."

My eyes pop open.  The outer skin is completely torn off!  I've never seen this happen in paintball before... At least not from a paintball!  A full circular wound is visible completely torn down to the reticular layer, a criss-cross mesh of yellow-white fibers.  Great.  What in the world is happening out there?!?

"Is this a paintball shot?"

"Yeah."

Oh my goodness, today is so out of my control.  Yup God, all yours.  What happens today I know you allowed it, so in whatever you allow, please protect these children!  

Arghhhhh... I wanna pull my hair out!  Today is dangerous beyond what my words can express!  This is not normal paintball!



Father God, as always, you are beyond amazing!  I asked for 40 players; you ended up providing 41.  I asked for your help in gathering over half the needed payments and electronic waivers on the morning of the event before 9am; you completed this process in 30-minutes by 8:55am when my personal best still took 60-minutes.  I asked for no major injuries; there were none... But there were PLENTY of minor injuries.  I asked for opportunities to serve and share in how playing paintball with integrity, prayer, and a good attitude is our way of bringing God into our passions, our hobbies; Lord, you answered this request too.  I asked that the girl who got dehydrated would fully recover to play paintball with her friends; she did.  But not only that, God, you gave her the energy and ability to play so well that she surrendered players and became the key in winning games.  I asked for protection of our youngest players and promised to keep them out of the advanced games while my neighbor went to pick up the pizza; Lord, you protected them even as they participated in the advanced games (I had no idea they came in on the field and joined the other side).  *deep bow of apology to the parents*

I still shudder when I think of all the potential injuries, dehydration issues, hurt feelings... But Lord, you took care of it all!  No twisted ankles.  No complaints of headaches past the single occurrence of dehydration which spurred me on to constantly bug everyone to drink water. Lord, you even provided extra water so that there was no need to portion fluids throughout the entire day.  

Father God, I thank you for the laughter of everyone present.  I thank you for the strength you gave me so that I could completely participate in today's event!  I thank you for providing just the right people at all the right times to help run this event smoothly.  I thank you for two friendly referees.  I thank you for providing treasured friends to share their time and energy to selflessly teach and protect the new players.  I thank you for even providing people who we've never even met before to guard our bags so nothing got stolen.  I thank you that in the chaotic return of equipment, everything was completely returned.  I thank you that even though we played really late, the late arrival of the pizza allowed everyone to eat fresh pizza instead of old cold pizza.

Lord, you are all-powerful indeed!  This entire day is a blessing.  Thank you for the chance to see you so clearly present, so clearly in control, and so clearly purposeful!  Thank you for allowing me to participate in your story and walk beside you in this journey of sharing your glory. Thank you for loving me enough to answer all my demands, my requests, my wishes all so that I can shout that my God is a living God, real in my life, and visible by your provisions.  

I am humbled by your goodness.  I am awed by your power.  I am freed by your love.  I am comforted by your unbroken promises.

Father God, in you, I lay my life.  In the name of Jesus, give me the strength to serve and ground my identity in you.  With the Holy Spirit, may I shine brightly as a small reflection of you on this earth.

Oh yeah, and one more thing.  God, can you continue to give me strength?  Tomorrow is a practice with our other paintball team, Crimson Rage.  I would like to participate... just a little bit.  Please?  I really want to participate at least in the second half.  I know I'm crazy.  Today alone with the heat, full gear, carrying my heavy gun, and playing paintball would wipe out any unseasoned, physically untrained person.  For the past 6-weeks, I've been mostly stuck in bed with a couple days where you blessed me with the strength to bed out of bed for half a day.  Today is my first day out of bed for so many hours, I should be completely drained.  In fact, logically I know I should rest tomorrow.  Forget logic.  Lord, will you please bless me with the energy to play more paintball?  If you will it, I believe anything is possible!

*huge grin*  Well, God, if you're going to teach me to pray boldly, I'm going to do it!

In Jesus' name I boldly ask my Father in Heaven for another day of playing paintball... one in which I can fully enjoy myself without physically crashing or being too sore to move. Amen.

Video clip of us playing paintball also found at https://youtu.be/Hd1G450Dr90

(un)CERTAINTY

Monday, June 22, 2015

My feet drag as I walk into the doctor's office.  Plopping into a chair, I wait with Noel supportively by my side.  

I'm scared.  Today's another chemo day.  

Last chemo sent me to the hospital for two days with fever, a high resting heart rate and an even higher moving heart rate up to the 150s.  I don't want to deal with the chemo again!  Can I just stop?

I know God will guide the doctors in regards to my treatment.  I know God is all-powerful and if he wanted me to get chemo, I can physically crash the entire week and still be strong enough to participate in the Summer Church Paintball Event this Saturday?  Or God can let me have chemo and get no symptoms at all.  Even better, how about no chemo?  God can do anything.  But for me, will I have to go through another week of misery?

I'm tired.  Part of me is breaking inside.  How much more?

Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me.  I'm clueless as to which direction you're guiding my care.  Lord, I know that in you, anything is possible.  Please give me peace as I follow your will.  Give me comfort as I choose to serve you.  Give me a heart to accept the doctor's judgement as I know their decisions are under your will.  Give me the heart not to argue, not to push my will, but allow you to be in complete control.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

The doctor comes in.  She sits down.  I know what she's going to say; there's a certain look.  Is that pity I see?

"Kristy, you will get chemo today.  To counter the alcohol allergy, we'll give you Benedryl and a steroid called Dexamethasone.  Any questions?"

Inside, my heart drops.  I feel myself starting to crumble.  What can I say?  I told God that I'll let him lead the doctor's decision.

But really God?  

Again?  

No break?

*deep sigh*  

My limbs have no strength.  Here I go, another round.  God, you call it.  You promised me I can play with the kids at the Summer Paintball Event.  I don't know how, but I know that in you, anything is possible. I will trust in your faithfulness.  I dread my future, but to walk with you is better than me walking my own path.  I commit to submitting to your will... But God, you know I'm really hating this chemo right?

Noel and I sit for two hours, waiting for my scheduled chemotherapy session.  I flop in my chair; my small black backpack supports my head, my legs drape over the opposing armrest.  At least this is comfy!  The sun beats down, I'm starting to sweat.  Okay, maybe a little too warm here.

Just as I prepare to move, a nurse calls out my name: "Kristy Cheng Esporo?"

"Here."  I wave my hand to get her attention.

"Are you waiting for your port to be de-accessed?  You know that your chemotherapy was canceled right?"

What?!?  "My port wasn't accessed this morning, we were just waiting for the chemo."

Three minutes later, my phone rings.  The PA (physician's assistant) is on the phone.  "Hi Kristy?  You know that your chemo is canceled right?  Your morning's blood test shows that your ANC (absolute neutrophil count) is 0.5, too low for us to give you any chemotherapy treatments.  Go home today and take the Neulasta injection to raise your white blood cell levels and we will see you in two weeks for chemotherapy."

Hanging up, I give Noel a huge smile and a thumbs-up.  My heart leaps for joy.  Sweet, no chemo today!  

Thank you, God!  You totally waited to the absolute last moment before notifying me of the cancelation of my treatment.  Not waiting would've been nice, but I'm totally fine with this outcome!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Father God, even without chemo, this week, my strength is up and down.  There were times I felt stronger.  There were also many times my bones hurt, I can feel my heart pounding, my head gets dizzy, eyes loose focus, a sharp sensation shoots from my shoulders to my hips where my muscles almost collapse in pain.  Father, I don't know what's going on with my body, but give me the energy, strength, focus, and spirit to serve those around me with a positive and loving attitude; no holds barred.  

May we as a paintball group be a blessing to all we interact with. Give us the heart to unconditionally serve, teach, love on each other.  I ask that your Spirit shine so bright all will know of your presence.  Bless the communication between all players, especially the captains and lieutenants, even the staff we come into contact with.  Guide the pacing.  Protect the children.  Keep us hydrated. Give us the wisdom to teach, the spirit to love, words to encourage, fellowship, joy, laughter, hope, and growth together as a community.

In Jesus' name, I continue to pray big for this event and expect to see you come through in amazing, wonderful, and totally unexpected ways!  

Now let's PLAY!  <3

Noel and Kristy at Stanford right after getting notified NO chemo!!!

Noel and Kevin preparing pods to paint:

Shaped Under Fire

What date should I set to start chemotherapy?  When's the latest I can delay the tests?  May? June?  Forever?

I'm scared. 

I don't know what I'll lose this round… maybe nothing, maybe everything. In chemotherapy, there are no guarantees except that foreign chemicals are placed into the body… and this time, it’s for a clinical trial. 

There are so many things I still want to do!  I want to participate in my friends’ wedding with no issues.  I want to play in a paintball tournament again.  I want to rockclimb.  I want to hang out with friends without limitations.  I want to host a paintball event.  I want the strength to finish projects!

*Deep sigh*

Stop!  

The purpose of my life isn't in my activities or my capabilities.  I thought I already made the decision to trust in God's provision?  To live the life he’s calling me to live so that his presence will shine… to do this, I can’t do things my way.  My wanting to delay chemotherapy may be the safer and more secure route, but living for God isn’t safe.  Where’s my faith and my trust in him unless I let him lead?

Knowing God, if he wants me to do paintball, participate in a wedding, work, rockclimb… I’ll be able to do it all; chemotherapy or no chemotherapy has absolutely no say in my future.

Lord Jesus, help me completely trust in you, your power, your abilities, your timing, your love for me.  Take away the hesitation that says I don't trust you.  Take away my fear because you are greater than all your creations combined.  Give me strength to do your will and not my own.  Focus my sights on the eternal future and not the temporal. 

Father God, as I once again place my life, my future treatments, my hopes and dreams into your hands... Show me that you are greater than everything and anything!  Set the test dates, doctor appts, schedules, chemotherapy, work... All these, Lord Jesus, I let go and place into your competent hands. 

Thank you, In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

After I let go of insisting on doing things my way, all the pre-chemotherapy test dates fall easily into place; one after the other… no arguing, switching dates around, pushing to get the tests done closer together… it’s all set.  *Laughter *  Go figure… when I let God work, he does it all so easily.  There’s no way I can schedule all the tests, appointments, meetings, timing of every as well as it is now set. 

*shrug * Chemotherapy to start on May 13, 2015. 

I’m ready... I think.  *wide grin * I love a good challenge!

I’m excited to see how God will show himself.  I look forward to the physical and spiritual battles ahead knowing that the war is already won.  When I focus my eyes on my relationship with God, I am more than satisfied with this life, I love it!  Health, money, time, hobbies… none of these can replace the walk I have in Christ, the safety I have in his presence, the peace I have in his unbroken promises. 

My heart pounds with the unknown future, but I can joyfully state that I know God is in complete control; whatever happens or doesn’t happen, I get to see my amazing God in action, to personally experience his power, to undeniably feel his love.  What better life than to know the God of creation’s got my back?

See you all next time!

Love,

Kristy

Picture of my newest creation under hot flames and still not hot enough!  Eventually, I had to block the opening and use two torches... just barely got the metal hot enough to solder the silver.  =D

Heart Check

“What do you treasure?”

Huh???  Lots of things are important in my life.  There’s Noel, my job, my hobbies… *mumble mumble* the list gets longer and longer.  Really, Kristy, you’re just avoiding the heart of this question!

Okay, okay… let me reword this question for myself:  “What stuff in my life do I not want to change or let go of?  Is there one key item that hinders my walk with Jesus Christ?”

I, who proudly proclaim that I am a follower of God, servant of Jesus Christ, one who says “God is to be first in my life and my focus”… can I honestly say that I place my Lord God first in all aspects of my life? 

Nope. 

Even without taking a good hard look at myself, I already know that there are many things I struggle with; my head easily turns away from following the one I choose to call Lord.  In my quick list of issues, there is one thing that even the very thought of stopping makes me cringe: reading manga. 

Sounds silly right?  *wry grin*

Every free hour, day after day, week after week… for over 18 years of my life… I’ve read manga.  For 10 years before that, I’ve read novels.  Before even that, it was picture books.  =O

Scarfing down story after story, escaping reality, living in the lives of made-up characters… this takes up a huge chunk of my life.  On the surface, I socialize fairly well.  I interact with others.  I work.  I serve at church.  I have interesting hobbies.  However, at the end of each day, I spend my face buried in stories.

All in all, reading’s not a bad hobby to have right?  Yeah… on the surface, reading in my free time really isn’t anything bad.  But, the key issue comes down to where my heart is. 

I believe that God blesses me with free time… to rest, to read… but why do I have such a hard time letting go of my reading?  Do I treasure reading above my heart for God?

Second question (well… many questions later), I ask myself: “Does my excessive reading prevent me from fully experiencing God?”

Yes. 

All hemming and hawing aside, I must confess that there are definitely times where I could better serve God if I took the time to know him more.  All the hours I spent buried in my novels… if even a fraction of that time was used to deepen my relationship with God… how much closer would I be to the God I serve?  How much better would I know the character and the love my God has for me and those around me? 

I believe that this world is a spiritual battlefield; and unfortunately, because of my slacking off, I am ill-equipped to fight.  Since I dare to call God “my Lord,” why then am I serving myself over him?  If my life is to live as a servant of Christ, I need to serve Christ first in all things.  If the purpose of my life is to glorify him, then my actions better reflect his character.  To call myself a child of Christ, my lifestyle needs to include his presence.

At the end of my internal debate... where is my heart? 

Do I want to choose God or choose myself? 

For me, what is truly most important? 

What is my one treasure above all others?

What do I live for?

Father God, please change my heart.  I keep saying I want to place you first in my life, but saying it and doing so are two different issues.  Lord, I want my actions to match my words.  I want my heart to be in line with yours. 

Forgive me, Lord, for saying that I follow you when a huge part of me continually puts you aside to place myself first.  To experience you fully, Lord God, I want to place you first in my heart and first in my life.  Help me do so.  Transform my heart, Lord Jesus, so that my eyes are fixed on you and not of this world.  I want to see you more.  I want to know you more.  May your Spirit speak your truth clearly into my heart so that I can fully live every bit of this life you’ve blessed me with.  Help me live fully for you and with you.  Lord, I ask that you remove the chains that drag me down.  Free me to clearly choose what pleases you because I know that when I follow you, I feel fulfilled in ways that pleasing myself doesn’t accomplish.

Lord, I ask for freedom in my choices, wisdom in my use of time, gentleness in my words, kindness in my heart and joy in my spirit. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Celebrating Noel's birthday:

Racing Days

Three, two, one, GO!!!

The flag drops, my tires squeal as the acceleration pushes me back into my seat.  Look ahead!  Coming up is a sweeping right turn, left, right, right again.  The harness holds me tight in my seat as the g-force sways me side to side.  My hands grip the steering wheel as I dance the car through a field of cones.  Sharp left, the tail of my car swings around setting me up for the slalom; a nice even pattern of left, right, left, right… break before the turn and back onto the gas again.  Apex that corner so my car can accelerate in a straighter line.  Bouncing over a random bump, I stay on the gas… this last turn looks really tight… don’t give in!  Keeping my foot hard on the gas pedal, I barely dive through the last turn into a hard breaking, tire squealing stop.  Shaking with adrenaline, I carefully pick up my time slip and slap it on the dash.  Gently, I guide my car back onto the grid for the next run. 

My heartbeat still pounds in my ears… I can barely even hear.  I need to plan my next run.  Where did I break too early?  Too late?  How can I take that fourth turn faster?  What’s the best angle to hit the slalom?  Can I blast through that last turn any quicker?  I need more speed, take tighter turns, and find the optimum racing line while avoiding the cones. 

Calming down, I unbuckle my harness and half stand, half roll myself out of my seat.  Standing on shaky legs, I crouch down to feel the tires.  The sun’s on the right of my car, that side’s tires are too warm.  Popping the hood, I let the engine cool a little.  I need to cool down the right tires by spraying the front tires with water, maybe a little water onto the rear tire too.  Let’s lower the front left tire pressure by 0.5psi and the front right by 0.75psi.  What else?  Hmmmmm, guess that’s good enough for now.

Noel steps into the driver’s seat, his turn to race.  I help to strap him in.  At the last moment, I drop the hood, give the car a final check and throw Noel a thumb’s up.  Time to see who’s faster! 

Ah… memories.  *deep sigh* 

This week, as I once again meet up with friends I made during my years of racing, the memories of my racing days hit me hard.  This is where I first met Noel.  This is where I really learned how to handle my car.  I miss the sound of squealing tires and burning rubber.  My hands still feel the vibrations of the steering wheel as my car and I squeeze through turns.  This is where I first experienced friendship in combination with competition.  Nice!

Lord God, you called Noel and I out of racing… then you took me out of paintballing and rockclimbing.  Part of me still hurts that I’ve had to place these hobbies on an indefinite hold.  However, Lord, you are an amazing God.  Lord, you don’t just take away, but in the place of my hobbies, you bring such great joy and give me even more things to do.  You show me the love of my husband, the beauty of life-long friendship, the strength of family, the limits my body can go beyond as I lean on your strength, the treasure that work really is, and the blessings of living my identity in you and not by anything I can do. 

Lord, I may be physically weak, but I do not regret this life in which I’ve chosen to follow you.  You give me meaning in my life, purpose in my path, and strength in my steps.  Keep my eyes focused on you.  Help me not to stray too far to the left or the right.  May my words and my life continue to be a testimony of your goodness, your mercy, and your power.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel and I with Alan, one of the first racing buddies I made almost 13 years ago!

Trusting without Boundaries

Flip, I casually flick another page in our scheduling book.  Eyes roaming, I double check to see who’s off and who’s working the weekend.  As my eyes scan the page, I freeze.  That’s my name!  What?  I don’t remember being notified about working on a Sunday in October.  What went wrong?  I thought I didn’t have my next weekend workday until November!

Rushing to my desk, I quickly type in my password to unlock the computer.  Clicking my work email, I open up the email with a list of my given weekends I acquired after a co-worker left.  Nope, no October weekend.

Heart thumping, I select the shortcut folder for work’s weekend and vacation schedule.   Tapping my cursor over “October,” I rapidly scroll down looking for October 12th.  Yup, right there, that’s my name.  Guess who ever made the initial email request missed noting down this one month.  Yikes, what if I didn't show up to work?!?!!!  *shudder*

Can I do it?  Will I be able to work a Sunday in the burn unit with no occupational therapist back-up?  Questions, concerns, worries... one issue after another pile up in my head.  Burdened and cornered, I decide to pray.

Father God, Creator of the universe… Help!  A huge part of me worries about my strength and endurance in being able to perform heavy transfers, lift weighty limbs, or even to have the physical stability to complete the entire treatment.  Father, I acknowledge that you are all-powerful, that you have complete control, that you know my capabilities and your provisions, that my life and my schedule can be fully guided by you.  Lord, no one will want to take this Sunday, it’s smack in the middle of a three-day weekend with Monday being a holiday off.  Plus, even if someone is willing to take this day, I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured.  *sigh* 

Lord of my life, I give this issue into your capable hands.  Either give me the energy, strength and endurance to make it through Sunday… or give me the help somehow and someway so that I can continue to honor you as I work on whatever day is given me.  Lord, I leave my worries at your feet.  Help me to lean on you... trusting that no matter what happens, you will be there to catch me and to provide for me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Okay Kristy… now I just have to chill and see where God ends up taking me.  *deep breath*  Don’t be anxious.  Don’t worry.  Instead, remember, to this point in my life, God has shown himself and provided over and over and over in more ways that I can even count!  So why not also in this situation?  I will choose to trust God to handle what I cannot control because I believe he is truly and fully in control of my life (even when I’m not) and that he is real.

Two hours later at the end of lunch:

“Hey Kristy, you’re working on a Sunday in October right?  The 12th?”

“Yup!”

“I’m scheduled to work on October the 11th, that Saturday.  Can we switch?  There’s something I want to do that Saturday.”

“Sure, I’d love to switch!  In fact, that’ll be so much better!”

Praise the Lord and a huge thanks to my friend (didn’t ask her permission so I’m not putting up her name)…  prayer answered just like that!  No pressure.  No begging.  No struggling.  No placing co-workers in uncomfortable positions.  No additional stress.  Just like that, it is done… issue resolved. 

Wow!  When God decides to move, everything falls into just the right place!  *wide grin*

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Father God, today was a loooonnnnggggg day.  In the morning, I worked along-side the occupational therapist who is usually stationed in the burn unit... she knows exactly who’s who and what’s what.  Yay! 

Lord, throughout the entire time, I can feel you by my side.  My heart sings for joy as my patients got to experience increased independence and many “first time doing this” situations!  My energy lasted in spurts just long enough to the point where I could escape to rest and recover.  Even during the times when I got tired in the middle of a treatment, my co-worker willingly took over all the prep work and running around for supplies while I either leaned on the linen bin to conserve energy or even the time I had to run out of the room to sit and rest.

All I can say, is that you, my Lord, are an amazing God who provided one thing after the other this entire day.  At the end of the day, I feel kind of bad because I started to complain.  It’s 4:00pm and I’m supposed to be leaving work for home… but that’s not going to happen.  I finished all my wound notes, but haven’t completed (or even started) the morning’s batch of inpatient notes... there are still _six_ notes that I need to complete!

Grumble, grumble.  I know that my attitude isn’t the best.  I really should focus on the myriad of blessings instead of the fact that I need to stay behind so that the next therapist will know about the patients’ progression, treatments I performed…

Stop. 

In all honestly, I know that if I really wanted to leave work, even with my notes not even started… I can.  It’d suck for the person treating the following day, but I have the choice in what I choose to do.  There is no “have-to”… there’s only “it’d be nice for the next person if I completed my work” type of issue.

Father, change my heart to joyfully serve in the full capacity you bless me with.  Even as I sit here at my desk grumbling, you give me the energy and physical stability to remain.  I’m not drained so much I need to run home to rest (surprising after a non-stop, intense type of workday).  So be it, I will choose to serve by completing my work… both to honor you and to bless my co-worker, the one who you used to answer my prayer in her request to switch weekend work days.

Lord, forgive my negative attitude, my selfishness, my misplaced sense of self-righteousness; instead, I ask that you give me wisdom in my documentation, focus to complete the notes to the best of my ability, and help me remember what I did in this morning treatments so that I can properly type and bill.  Give me your peace and correct my attitude.  Let me not work for myself but to do all my work as a reflection of my heart to serve you in worship. 

To my Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the living Holy Spirit… to you be all the glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

Noel and I with a sleeping cat and my many plush toys:

Asking for Something Different at Work

Monday, September 22, 2014

Now that I’ve thrown out the challenge in my last blog post… what do I pray for?  Laughter again?  No… totally not!  That’s too boring to ask for the same thing twice in a row.  Ummm, what should I ask God for today?  I want to ask for something different! 

But what?

*sigh*

I’m trying to think; and yet, nothing comes to mind.

Hey God, I really can’t think of anything interesting to pray for.  I want to see you, but how will you show yourself to me?  Well, whatevers.  Father God, I ask that you show me, somehow, someway, that you are present with me as I work.  I want to see you in action!

In Jesus’ name I ask, amen.

As the day goes on, I’m really starting to drag.  My treatments and documentation speed is slowing down as each hour passes by.  I’m tired.  You know when people say they got "glutened” when they eat gluten and it causes problems?  Well, I got diaried (Kristy made-up word) this weekend and all my energy reserves are gone.  Poof!  Just like that and my entire physical/mental function is affected.  *deep sigh*  I want to go home.

Casually, I ask my boss:  “If I finish early, can I go home?”

I didn’t want to make a big deal out of being tired.  I mean, I’ve pushed through times when I’ve been so drained that I could barely move.  I’m nowhere near that state!  On the other hand, it’d be super super great to just lie down.  Yeah, my bed is sounding pretty nice right about now.  *wry smile*

Later in the day, I drag my feet to check on the board.  I should have one last patient left before I can go home early.  Just one more… Oh, another therapist’s initials are written next to my supposedly last patient-of-the-day.  What happened?  Peeking into the treatment room, I see my co-worker busy at work.

“Can I help?”

“You, go home and rest.  This patient came early and my patient canceled.  Didn’t you want to leave early?”

“Yup, thank you!” 

Sliding myself past the curtains, I change clothes and leave work 1-1/2 hours early.  Yay!!! 

God, even though I don’t feel at my best today, thank you for working my schedule so that I can go home and rest!  Thank you for providing such awesome friends at work who are willing to pick-up my slack.  Thank you that even moving so slowly today, that there was no negative effect on the pacing of patient treatments and that all the most important parts of my documentation are already complete.  Praise the Lord for your timely provision today!  Amen!

It's been a week and I'm still dragging myself around.  Just super tired.  Please pray that I get my strength back and that my body will once again steady itself!

Noel and I re-started our South Bay Games and Dinner Night after 11-month rest-break.  Praise the Lord that he provided enough energy to last the night!  We cook together, eat together, pray together, play games and even clean-up together... community and life-skills with God as the center.

Here's a picture of us chilling together in the living room:

Working, but Never Alone

Ready?               Up!

Wrap 

                     Pull 

    Wrap                   Pull 

I'm starting to get tired. 

My day is just starting so I really shouldn't complain.  My co-worker is helping by lifting the patient's leg.  Really, all I'm doing is leaning over the bed and stretching an ace wrap in a spiral pattern from the feet up the leg.  Working on the second leg, I can feel the smallest tremor in my muscles.  Already?  How in the world am I going to make it through today?  Not by my own strength that's for sure! 

My goal is to serve where I am.  Using everything God's given to me, I want to provide my patients the best service possible.  But how?  I'm confused as to if and how I need to moderate my own activity.  If I go all out, will I have the endurance to continue with all the treatments needed throughout the day?  Will I get burnt out?  Should I save some of my energy in reserve for later?  How much is too much and how little is too little? 

Lord God, I'm really confused.  I know you have the ability to give me strength beyond my own, but I also know you've blessed me with a brain capable of learning my own limitations.  When do I use what you've given me and when do I lean on you for more?  I really don't know enough and I hate the answer "each situation is different so it depends."  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.  All I know, Father God, is that I am here, working a weekend day...  kind of lonely but never alone.

Initially, I was scheduled to work Sunday.  Thank you so much that I didn't!  Not knowing until afterwards that Sunday (working completely in the burn unit with no assistance from another therapist) there was a patient who got discharged and 3 new admits... all requiring a lot of effort and time... AND a handful of current burn unit patients that all needed therapy.  Yikes!

Lord, with my current abilties, there's no way I can serve all the patients in the burn unit to meet the needs of what Sunday required.  Instead, you provided a switch where my co-worker willingly took my Sunday so that I can work on Saturday instead.  Father, you blessed me completely by providing another therapist to lean on, enough time to complete all my paperwork, and that all my afternoon patients with wounds came early!  Hurray!!!!

Honestly, beats me how I exactly made it through Saturday.  Definately not by my own abilities!

Lord God, all I know is that I continusously prayed throughout my entire work day: begging for wisdom, asking for stregnth, requesting your assistance with the timing and types of treatments... the list goes on and on.  And the coolest thing?  You helped me more than just survive this Saturday of work, but allowed me to thrive by providing everything from therapy and timing to patient participation and staffing assist.

Father God, to you I give all the glory and praise!

The fact that I can work, knowing that if my back is ever in a corner, you always open a way out.  So yes, Lord, blindly I follow.  Each step.  Each day.  When I'm scared.  When I'm lost.  Into your care I leave all the many things out of my own control so that I can serve others as you've shown me through the examples of Jesus Christ.  Continue to give me strength in my body, endurance during my treatments, stability of my body when I'm fatigued, a positive attitude in you and peace in the knowledge that I'm never alone, never truly stuck, never fully hopeless or helpless.

Thank you, Father God, that I can so enjoy work, in serving and in being served, exactly where I am.  Wherever I am, whomever I'm with... may you continue to shape my heart to seek you and to serve others... not for my own pride nor self-satisfaction, but to glorify you. 

I will work with all my heart to you, O Lord, and not to man because you promised to never leave me, to never forsake me.  Dwelling in your presence, I will never be alone, never truly lack for anything... so please, Lord, continue to teach me how to serve you right here and right now.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Having fun with the toys (Amanda's getting kind of squashed LOL):

Weekend Work

Friday, August 29, 2014

I’m going to work Saturday!  Hurray!!!  My eyes are lit, my heart thumping, nervous energy courses through my limbs as I anticipate the approaching weekend.

What?  You think I’m crazy?  Well… probably.  Yeah, I’d say I’m not quite right in the head.  *wide grin*

But… I get to work again!  I love working in the burn unit.  I get to experience dealing with a variety of physical limitations, the opportunity to make splints and face the challenge of modifying activities to fit a person’s needs.  Time to play!

Part of me is a little scared… okay, okay.  A lot scared.  What if there’s something a patient needs to get done and I’m physically incapable of doing my job?  What if there’s a heavy transfer?  Do I say “sorry, I can’t transfer the patient even though I know it’s part of my job.”  Or do I say “Sure, let’s go for it!” and then get so tired, dizzy and have my body act up that I can’t treat the next patient?

Father God, I give my fear into your hands.  You have full control of the patient population, timing of the treatments, patient needs, my physical strength, my body’s stability, even paperwork.  Lord God, nothing is in my control once I start working so I will trust you to provide.  I’m doing my best to rest as soon as I get home this week; I take naps after work, keep in bed whenever I can... I’m storing my energy levels to the maximum of my ability this past week in preparation for tomorrow.  I don’t know if the rest is enough, but Lord, into your hands I give my future.  Provide me patients that I can give my all to help, but also give me wisdom in how to perform the treatments so that I am both effective in my work and can maximize therapy for each patient I work with.  Help me serve to the best of my abilities.  Give me the endurance to provide therapy in a more active capacity.  Give me a can-do attitude, a gentle heart and confident demeanor.  No matter how long or how short each treatment is, I ask that you help me provide skilled treatments that will have a lasting and positive impact of the patient’s physical and mental health.  Provide me the ability and wisdom to encourage, challenge and grow each patient back towards his or her prior functional level.

Lord God, working this weekend is my first small step to bigger and greater activities.  Help me gain the confidence to trust and use my body to its fullest.  Give me the wisdom in how hard and how fast I can push myself.  I want to rock climb again.  I want to play paintball again.  Step by step, Lord, give me the heart to keep fighting.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

What a beautiful morning!  The sun is out.  The air is fresh.  Cool breeze, blue sky and white sweeping clouds.  Today will be amazing!

Father God, thank you so much for today’s provision.  You blessed me with being able to work along-side an occupational therapist who knows the burn unit.  Thank for giving me time to sit and rest when I got tired.  Lord, you are an amazing God.  The pacing of work and rest and paperwork was just right.  You even provided assistance from another physical therapist so that if I got too tired, I could hand-off my workload.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my workday so that I did everything I felt like is needed to do without skimping out on any treatments just because I may get tired.  Thank you that all the treatments in the burn unit didn’t require much physical strength.  Father God, even in my wildest imaginations, I couldn’t have dreamed of such a well set-up work day to work both in the burn unit and in the wound dept.

Thank you for you for the blessings, your abundant provisions and my increase in strength!  I can’t wait to see what else I can soon do!

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Rogue sitting in my lap while I attempt to work on my jewelry projects:

Dreaming of Paintball

Rumble.  Squeak.  The garage door opening.  They’re back! 

Rolling out of bed, I creep to the top of the stairs.  Peering down over the banister, I don’t see anyone.  Pause.  Anyone coming in?  Listening.  Nope.  Inching down the stairs, I pad over to the kitchen.  Hearing voices through the door, I take a peek.  Ah, they’re standing outside!  Slipping on my shoes, I step out to join them.

Car trunk is open with paintball guns neatly lined-up inside.  Piles of dirty paintball laundry stuffed in bags and tossed to the side.  Busy stacking the pod packs and face masks out to rinse, I watch the guys stumble back and forth to organize the equipment.  Slowly bending down, some of the guys sit on the ground with deep sighs of relief.  *smirk*  They each must have played hard.  Today, Noel took some of the young men to play advanced paintball.  Some of these young men have played with us for a couple of years… This time, they’re helping us clean the equipment they used.  LOL… did I mention… there’s a LOT of stuff to clean?  *wide grin*

Squatting down, I join in the fun.  Stories fly back and forth of shooting and being shot at, paintballs that bounce and don’t break, dodging, attacking, bunkering (getting shot at close range), running drills, shooting one-on-one… *drool*

Energy. 

Excitement. 

Adrenaline. 

The smell of broken paint permeates the air.  Dirt and paint are smeared on clothing.  Feet shuffle.  Voices rumble. 

A part of me is so envious.  I want to go out and play.  I want to hunt others down and to be hunted on the paintball field.  I want to polish my techniques: stay tucked-in tight, run fast, slide, attack, dodge.  I want to feel the breeze through gaps in my gear, work my muscles to the point of collapse, experience the heart-pounding adrenaline, eyes darting for targets, mind whirling for a better attack angle.  I miss paintball.  It’s times like this, when all the dirty gear is spread out, that I remember what my body used to be able to do.  I remember how far I’ve fallen.  I acknowledge how much more climbing I still need to do.

Someday… 

Someday I will return to the paintball field.  I will run my body hard with no concern of consequences.  I will shoot and be shot at.  I will once again crawl, slide, hide, stand and run.   I will hear my heart thumping in my ears.  I will have my muscles burn with fatigue.  I will once again put my gear on dry and peel them off soaking with sweat.  My blood will flow fast and hard.  New bruises and welts will appear.  Blood will drip from scrapes and cuts. 

Awesome.

I love playing paintball: the challenge, the teamwork, the communication.  Protecting and being protected.  A combination of patience and aggressiveness.  Paintball is more than just shooting your opponents.  Attitude matters.  Heart.  Hope.  Integrity.  Battling between a fine line of winning and losing where sometimes a slip or a random shot can make all the difference.  Luck.  Strength.  Wisdom.  Skill.  Experience.

For now, I can only assist.  I’m too tired to even make it out to the field to cheer people on, but just for now… just for this short period of time, I want to be here, right in the midst of sweaty gear, paint-smeared guns, tired players and bask in the stories of defeat and of success.

Father God, times like these I wish I was well again.  My fingers are itching to play paintball.  I crave carrying my gun and dodging paint.  As I look at my gear, my heart pounds in anticipation.  When I actually lift my equipment, not even fully geared in pads or carrying a load of paint, not even 5 minutes and my body is quivering in complaint.  After verbally assisting with the clean-up outside, I’m feeling so tired I sit at the dinner table.  Still more tired, I half-lay on the couch.  Not good enough.  *deep sigh*  Giving up, I crawl upstairs to lie in bed.

Lord, when will I recover?  When can I play paintball again?  Even just a little bit.  Father God, Lord of Heaven and Earth… give me the strength to return to work full-time and the endurance to play like I once used to.

Thank you for helping my body heal and letting me slowly get stronger.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity and the wisdom to rest.  Thank you that my most recent CT scan is clear of any abnormal growth.  Yay!!!  I won't have to see the cancer doctor for another 4 months!  Thank you, Lord God, that in you, I always have hope, purpose and goals to look forward to.  Thank you for creating me with a personality that doesn’t easily give up.  Thank you for my stubbornness, my strength in you and the courage you’ve given me to live this life. 

In Jesus’ name I give God all the glory, in good times and bad, amen.

See you all next week!  *hugs*

K

 

Aftermath clean-up of paintball equipment with Benson hanging out... this is what our dinner table looks like:

 

 

Every Moment Counts

Noel is coming home.  Hurray!!!!  He’s arriving tonight after a week in Hawaii. I get two precious days with him before sending him off again for a couple of days in San Diego. Two days. Time is ticking.

Sitting in my car, I wait for Noel’s call.  I’m in a parking lot with other cars, all waiting for the signal that the person we came to pick-up is here.  Other cars come and they go.  Where’s Noel’s call?  *ring ring*  Yes!  He’s here!  Wait 5 minutes then come?  Okay.  I should pick you up at the end of the arrival area?  Sure!

I wait close to 4 minutes.  Long enough.  Time to go see my husband!  Driving over to the arrival area, I cruise until I see a break in all the cars.  Should I park here?  Naw, Noel said end of the line of cars.  Ummmm, after the break in the cars picking up passengers, I pass a bunch of taxis.  After the taxis, there’s no parking/pick-up area.  Grrrr… that first opening I saw was probably the pick-up area Noel wanted me to go for.  Nooooooo!

Frustrated and irritated, I step on the gas.  I have to circle the whole airport and redo the pick-up situation.  My meeting with Noel will be delayed and I have to deal with all these speed bumps and traffic lights.  *deep sigh*  This isn’t the attitude I wanted to greet my husband with.  I don’t want to waste my time and energy feeling bad.  What’s done is done.  Focus, I get to see Noel soon.  Kristy, pull yourself out of this mental pit, be positive!  I only have 2 days to spend with Noel, I don’t want to meet him all grumpy.  Cheer up!

I want to fully bask my husband's smile, his voice, the strength of his arms. Yay!  I'm so looking forward to having my husband home. My heart sings. My spirit dances. Thank you, Father God, for bringing my husband back to my side... Even just for a bit... Thank you for the opportunity to live by his side just a moment longer.

Father God, I thank you for this week.  That even with Noel away from home, you provided for my health.  Last week sucked and I was miserable, tired and not feeling my best.  This week, you gave me the energy to cook for myself while Noel’s gone.  I had the strength to play with two of my neighbors, teaching two girls how to make their own silver necklace using cutters, pliers, acid and even a flame torch!  I was able to make it through this work-week without dragging my feet in fatigue.  I successfully cooked for my friends from work without crashing.  This week is amazing!  Lord, thank you that even though I don’t know what my body is going to be like day to day, that you still provide for me above and beyond all my expectations. 

Lord, it’d be nice if I had this energy and strength all the time, or even the consistancy of knowing what days will be good and what days wouldn’t… but Lord, in whatever state my body ends up, I am blessed to see you always there for me… the good times and the bad.

Thank you, Lord, for this ability to know that I am blessed every single moment.  In the changing of my days, I can clearly see your provisions.  In my weakness, I get to lean on your strength.  In my strength, I get to celebrate the joy of being alive.  Each bit of time I have, every opportunity you give, I am blessed by you to really live this one life I’m given.  Help me not waste even a fraction of your blessings; I want it all.  Don’t let me miss out on how good life with you really is. 

Even as I crave comfort, consistancy, assurance of the future, strength, endurance and times of happiness… Lord, I thank you that I don’t always have those things so that I see you so much clearer and get to enjoy this life more fully.  So bring it on!  The life you want me to experience, how you want me to live, so be it.  So long as I get to be immersed in your love, your provisions, your power, your mercy, your very presence… this life is so worth it. 

I’ve gotta say, it really is true that even though my life is filled with so many ups and downs; overall, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been when I was healthy and physically independent.  Funny… to be able to say that being physically broken is a blessing.  Weird huh?

May you be blessed to know the joys of this life.  Be blessed by God eternal, to see the wonders of being alive in both the good times and the bad.  Until next week, take care!

 

Teaching two neighborhood kids how to make an opal necklace:

 

Being Broken

Lord, thank you for this annoyingly frail body.  I am a woman who can see your blessings.  You've blessed me with a husband who loves me beyond my comprehension.  Meals served in bed.  Laundry washed and separated.  Grocery shopping complete.  Dishes washed.  Cats?  Fed and cleaned.  Finances already dealt with.  Anything I want, my husband does his best to provide.  I am beyond spoiled. 

There are times I feel so inadequate.  My husband caters to all my wants and needs day in and day out... and what do I do?  Nothing.  There is nothing I can do to equal or even repay a portion of the time he spends loving me.  There is no gift I can offer in response except to do my best and love my husband in return.  Sometimes, I feel that my love alone isn't enough... I want to offer more, take some of the burden off his shoulders, but I cannot... my body fails me.

Lord God, I am amazed at the love I see through my husband's daily actions.  I don't do anything to deserve or to even earn his love.  And yet, day in and day out, he serves me without complaint.  If anything falls, he comes running to see if I'm hurt. Father God, thank you for allowing me to be physically broken so I can appreciate the love of my husband.  In him, I can see the reflection of your love for me.  In his word, his actions, his touch... Every bit is filled with his love for me that I do nothing to deserve.  I work.  I eat.  I sleep.

In such a way, Father God, you loved us first.  Through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you gave me your ultimate gift... The ability to be by your side, in your presence, to be called your child.  Your love overwhelms me.  Through the actions of my husband, I see you so clearly.  Even though I do not deserve your love, have done nothing that can earn your mercy, you still love me.  In my imperfection, in my selfishness, in my brokenness... You speak of your love for me through your provisions, your blessing of peace, your gift of hope and your assurance that no matter what I do or say, I am still your beloved.

Nothing I can do or say will make you love or care for me any more than you already do.  I cannot buy your love or earn it through tasks.  Lord, serving you is my heartfelt response to the love you first showed me.  I choose to follow you, God, not because of laws or commands, but out of a reflection of the love I have already received.

To God my Father, my Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I give you praise.  Thank you for allowing me to see you.  Thank you for gifting me with difficult circumstances so I can see you in action.  Thank you for the reflection of your amazing love through my husband and his faithful service towards me.

I am unworthy, but I can say that this opportunity to know you personally, Lord God, is a priceless gift beyond any treasures of this world.  Thank you, God, for being my God who loves me beyond all human measures, beyond anything I can do in return, beyond anything I can earn or buy or say.  To you, Lord, be all the glory and praise.

Hanging out with Kalpana and Ngoc, waiting to get a massage:

Ever Changing Days

Friday morning:

I'm going to be late for work.  Gotta hurry up!  Hey, is that my co-worker?  Moves like her.  Ummm... "Morning!"

"Good morning!  How much time do we have?"

Taking a glance at my watch I reply, "Two minutes."

With a quick glance to my right, I look my friend in the eye.  "Wanna run?"

"Let's run!"

With a wide grin, we take off.  Feet pounding the concrete and backpack bouncing, we swerve around slower pedestrians.  Fresh crisp air rushes across my face, trees slide past, pine needles crunch under my feet... Freedom.  Excitement.  Energy.  How long has it been since I've moved like this?  Way too long.  This is fun!

"Faster?"

Laughing like two children, we speed up.  Around another corner, we dodge staff members as they leave the hospital.  Slightly out of breath, we arrive at the double door glass entrance.  Time to stop running... doesn't look too good to run inside a hospital building.

Walking at a brisk pace, I swipe my badge first.  Laughing lightly, I look at the time, totally not late.  *shrug*  It's worth the run.  Today, I feel normal again.  My feet step with a bounce as I stride down the hospital corridor.  My backpack thumps against my back as I expend excess energy just for the pure fun of _moving_ again!  Grinning widely, I wave good-bye to my running buddy.  Can't wait for today to start... It's gonna be great!


Monday:

"Hey Kristy, were you tired this morning?"

"Yeah, wasn't feeling my best.  How'd you know?"

"I could tell."

Bummer... I try my best to not show my fatigue when my body just drags.  It's no fun to be around someone who's down all the time.  I want to do my best, to serve to the best of my ability... I don't wasn't to say "I can't" or "I'm too tired" unless I absolutely have to!  Well, there's my pride of wanting to be "normal."  If I give in, I may never get back to where I used to be.  I don't want to give up!  I'd rather push myself until my legs shake, my feet drag and my head spins before I ask for help.  Why?  Because each day is so frustratingly different that I have no concept where my limitations are! One day, I'll be tired, but a good tired.  Another day, same situation, same patient except my energy disappears and I can barely push through to complete my treatment.  What in the world is wrong with this body?

Bleah.

Lord Jesus, I want to work.  I love to serve and see people smile.  I enjoy how every single day is filled with little surprises.  I'm definitely not bored!  But Lord, this inconsistent body of mine is really annoying!  I'm so frustrated that I'm weaker now than when I was on chemotherapy... I should be getting stronger... But I'm not.  I can grumble, throw a fit, scream at the world... But nothing makes me better.  I want to go rockclimbing.  I want to play paintball.  I want to work without the fear that I may not be able to complete my task.

Dear Lord, help!  Give me the strength to live this life you've blessed me with.  Give me the courage to continue looking forward.  Give me hope that I'm walking the right path.  Give me wisdom to make the right decisions for when I can finally start increasing my activity levels.  Give me patience to live my life in this broken body. Keep my eyes fixed not on myself, but on you.

Oh Lord, may your love be enough for me.  Even if I remain broken, may my whole life point to you.  I'm glad that I'm not living for myself... Lord, it is only through you and in you that I find my hope, my unexplainable joy, my will to live.

Thank you for always being with me.  Thank you for the fun and the laughter even when times are difficult.  Thank you that I have this opportunity to keep living, to experience new things, to learn more everyday.  Thank you for blessing me with a purpose to live for and the ability to really enjoy this one life I am given.

In Jesus' name, I life my voice in praise to God my Father for so many blessings and for this life I get to live, amen.

Playing with henna: