Ever Changing Days

Friday morning:

I'm going to be late for work.  Gotta hurry up!  Hey, is that my co-worker?  Moves like her.  Ummm... "Morning!"

"Good morning!  How much time do we have?"

Taking a glance at my watch I reply, "Two minutes."

With a quick glance to my right, I look my friend in the eye.  "Wanna run?"

"Let's run!"

With a wide grin, we take off.  Feet pounding the concrete and backpack bouncing, we swerve around slower pedestrians.  Fresh crisp air rushes across my face, trees slide past, pine needles crunch under my feet... Freedom.  Excitement.  Energy.  How long has it been since I've moved like this?  Way too long.  This is fun!

"Faster?"

Laughing like two children, we speed up.  Around another corner, we dodge staff members as they leave the hospital.  Slightly out of breath, we arrive at the double door glass entrance.  Time to stop running... doesn't look too good to run inside a hospital building.

Walking at a brisk pace, I swipe my badge first.  Laughing lightly, I look at the time, totally not late.  *shrug*  It's worth the run.  Today, I feel normal again.  My feet step with a bounce as I stride down the hospital corridor.  My backpack thumps against my back as I expend excess energy just for the pure fun of _moving_ again!  Grinning widely, I wave good-bye to my running buddy.  Can't wait for today to start... It's gonna be great!


Monday:

"Hey Kristy, were you tired this morning?"

"Yeah, wasn't feeling my best.  How'd you know?"

"I could tell."

Bummer... I try my best to not show my fatigue when my body just drags.  It's no fun to be around someone who's down all the time.  I want to do my best, to serve to the best of my ability... I don't wasn't to say "I can't" or "I'm too tired" unless I absolutely have to!  Well, there's my pride of wanting to be "normal."  If I give in, I may never get back to where I used to be.  I don't want to give up!  I'd rather push myself until my legs shake, my feet drag and my head spins before I ask for help.  Why?  Because each day is so frustratingly different that I have no concept where my limitations are! One day, I'll be tired, but a good tired.  Another day, same situation, same patient except my energy disappears and I can barely push through to complete my treatment.  What in the world is wrong with this body?

Bleah.

Lord Jesus, I want to work.  I love to serve and see people smile.  I enjoy how every single day is filled with little surprises.  I'm definitely not bored!  But Lord, this inconsistent body of mine is really annoying!  I'm so frustrated that I'm weaker now than when I was on chemotherapy... I should be getting stronger... But I'm not.  I can grumble, throw a fit, scream at the world... But nothing makes me better.  I want to go rockclimbing.  I want to play paintball.  I want to work without the fear that I may not be able to complete my task.

Dear Lord, help!  Give me the strength to live this life you've blessed me with.  Give me the courage to continue looking forward.  Give me hope that I'm walking the right path.  Give me wisdom to make the right decisions for when I can finally start increasing my activity levels.  Give me patience to live my life in this broken body. Keep my eyes fixed not on myself, but on you.

Oh Lord, may your love be enough for me.  Even if I remain broken, may my whole life point to you.  I'm glad that I'm not living for myself... Lord, it is only through you and in you that I find my hope, my unexplainable joy, my will to live.

Thank you for always being with me.  Thank you for the fun and the laughter even when times are difficult.  Thank you that I have this opportunity to keep living, to experience new things, to learn more everyday.  Thank you for blessing me with a purpose to live for and the ability to really enjoy this one life I am given.

In Jesus' name, I life my voice in praise to God my Father for so many blessings and for this life I get to live, amen.

Playing with henna: