Having fun!!!

Today was super fun! *excited*

After work, I went over to a neighbors house. I played with their kids: Xbox games, a large floor piano, and the proceeded to squash my neighbor's kid under couch pillows topped by me! *Smirk* Then I ate dinner with everyone until Noel got back from meeting one of his accountability partners.

Later this evening, Noel and I spent time with a friend and his wife at a tea shop. Talking paintball stories brings back awesome memories! I'm so itching to play!

After our snack of tea with pearls, we went to reinflate the car'sbtire up with some air. When the guys were outside, I talked to my friend's wife.... I got so excited about talking about cars and tires that I inadvertently gave her a whole instructional lecture about the importance of maintaining the correct tire pressure, effectiveness of negative camber for fast turns, and causes of abnormal tirewear. *Sheepish grin*

Am I changing from being a 100% introvert on the Myers-Briggs test into an extrovert??? Is that even possible?

I'm realizing more and more each day how important my friendships are! In the past, I would run away from spending time with people and declare the need to rest... However, I now thrive on spending time with friends. I treasure their stories... their willingness to spend a portion of their precious time with me... The safety I find being in their presence.

So fun!!! Life feels so rich now that I look around me with open eyes. I think that in the past, I looked at myself as if I was constantly surrounded by people who would judge me... That constant need to emotionally guard myself was draining. Now, I feel accepted, safe, loved, treasured. I feel more myself each passing year as confidence and knowledge of my safety grow... I no longer feel that each action or word is being analyzed, weighed, judged.

Thank you everyone for caring so much about me!

Thank you, God, that I am so loved. Thank you that I now feel safe in the presence of those around me. Thank you for teaching me to let my guard down so that I can really live! Thank you for the trials that grow my self-esteem. Thank you for the love you first showed me through Jesus so that I can learn to love others. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die for my faults so that I can have a direct relationship with you... An all-powerful, life-changing, and loving God!

In Jesus' name, amen.

'Night peeps! =D

Medical Update

I'm going to Stanford next week on Dec 7th for my consult with one of the Stanford oncologists in their cancer center.

I'm kind of excited and kind of scared. Don't know what options if any will be offered...

These past 2-3 hours, I've been online researching more into leiomyosarcoma, available clinical trials, tumor tests for chemosensitivity and chemoresistance, types of chemotherapy attempted, side effects, potential prognosis... All this searching and no real clear answer. *shrug*. God will be my medicine, my healer, my hope.

In the meantime, I'm considering if I should pursue and try any form of drug therapy... Many of which can screw me up even worse than living as I am now. *grimace*

Lord, please guide me and Noel and the doctors I meet... Provide your wisdom in the paths I should take or pursue. There are so many options, none great... Help me to honor you in the choices I make, to follow your direction, and seek you first in all aspects of my life. If I live another 2 years, 5 years, or 20 years... I want to live my life to the fullest! I've learned that I am more joyful, more content, more secure when I actually humble myself to serve you over myself... I've learned, Lord, that you know my deepest needs and always meet those needs... That even my wants, you bless me with better.

Why, God, do I stray? If walking in your presence is the best place to be... Why do I continue to insist of doing things my own way?

Father, I know that I am stubborn, prideful, and selfish. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for blessing me regardless of my faults. Thank you for always being by my side. Thank you that I am never truly lost, never left alone, never gone from your sight. Thank you for creating me just the way I am. Thank you for this life I'm living. Thank you even for the pain and struggles that continue to grow me stronger. Thank you for taking the time to build and lift me up when I fall down. Thank you for caring about me more than I care for myself.

In Jesus' name I praise my Father in heaven, amen.

First day back at work

Physically, I'm feeling great! The actual climb up and down Mission Peak left no noticeable soreness. Yay! I've just lost all my stamina. *sniffle*

After a 2 week vacation linked up with my surgery and 6 weeks of disability... I'm worried about forgetting everything when I return to work. Will I forget something important? How will I treat my patients? Do I remember the paperwork? What processes have been changed? *slightly worried*

So what can I do? Nothing really. I know what I know and just hope to remember it all. Is there anything else i can do? I wouldn't know where to start in order to refresh my mind from a 2 month hiatus... But what I can't do, God can. So I prayed.

Lord, I know work has been super busy. There are a lot of patients and this is a short 3-day work week... Which usually means a super stressful schedule. Please help me remember the appropriate wound dressings. Help me to asses the wounds correctly. Help me do my paperwork correctly and finish by the end of the day. Help me to see patients at a good pace. I ask that you please provide for each patient treatment in a way that will help me review and remember how to do everything correctly. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

At work, I start with an hour of mandates. *deep sigh* Totally not fun! Actually, it's extremely brain-numbing. I fry my brain after just completing one mandate! However, just the process of logging into the computer triggers all the memories of my passwords, what programs to use, and where all my files are located. I even got a refresher course on how to look up patient schedules and admission information during the day.

In regards to patient care... The first patient wasn't the simple straight-forward case I had hoped for. The wound was larger, the dressing options offered wasn't acceptable... I had to call a doctor... twice... And then ended up choosing an unconventional dressing. Another patient, I got the opportunity to practice my debridement and unna boot application skills. Third patient was an educational review in layering wound dressings. Next patient cancelled allowing me time to organize my paperwork. Last patient provided me with practice in reviewing appropriate dressing changes and individualized patient education.

Yay!!! Day's done! I survived! =D

Father in heaven... Thank you for answering my prayers! Today, I received a thorough review for how to do my work. I completed all my paperwork. I had time to chill and talk with my friends at work.

In Jesus' name I thank you, God, for the blessings of bringing me back to work while providing a gentle re-introduction, amen.

Climbing Mission Peak

This past Friday night was the start of our youth group's student leadership mandatory hangout.
The goal: climb Mission Peak to watch the sun rise Saturday morning
Purpose: team-building

At 3:30am, the alarm rang. Time to get up! Ugh... I feel so tired. Eighteen people lined up to share 2 restrooms, eat breakfast, and then ready ourselves to face the morning cold. *deep sigh* A little past 5am, we start our hike. Frequently, we ran around shushing each other, hoping not to disturb the sleeping neighborhood as our excited voices carried in the quiet morning.

At first, I turn my flashlight on thinking I need light to see the path. Soon, I realized that even the quarter sliver of moon provided enough light to distinguish gravel path versus large black cow patties. Walking quietly through the dark, I look up and see stars! I haven't seen so many stars since I was little! In awe, I tried to walk while looking upwards. Occasionally, I would bump into a youth or stumble along the path's edge, depending on whoever was nearest to assist in navigating the black land mines. *wide grin*

Turning to look towards the city, I see clouds colored redish-pink from the bright city lights combined with pollution. In that area, I see no stars... The city lights are too bright. *sad face*

Climbing higher, I start to see the bay. As the sky brightens, pink turns to dusky purple. The sky appears to cast a dark blue shadow creeping ever lighter in color until I realize that all the stars are gone. When did that happen? *rubbing eyes*

A little later, about a third of the way up the mountain, I start to notice my lack of stamina. *grumble* on our way up, I actually had to call a halt more than twice because my body didn't want to keep up! I'm used to being in front of any hikes, running around exploring different views. Well, not this day! By the time we were halfway up the mountain, I was quietly panting. Every step felt weak and powerless... About every 100-200 feet, I would need to stop for 10-20 seconds to recover enough to plod on. On the steeper slopes, I would rest every 50 feet. Each step felt hard-won, each breath a controlled rasp. How much further? I'm so tired... Can I make it up? It'd be so embarrassing if I couldn't climb Mission Peak after I pushed so hard to have the whole youth leadership team climb the mountain at an insanely early hour.

Sweating, I take off my inner insulating jacket, take off my beanie, take off my gloves... *shiver*. The air is cold against my skin! The outter jacket feels icy as I put it on. Soon, I'm sweating again... My jacket doesn't feel cold anymore. In fact, I'm once again warm enough to walk with my jacket unzipped. Why did I wear so many layers? I feel stupid making everyone wear so much extra clothing.

Physically, I'm nowhere near the shape I need to be or want to be in while tackling Mission Peak... And yet, I can't give up either. As part of the leadership team, we all have to go up together, that's part of the challenge. Step by step, I struggle and fight my way up. I'm totally lagging behind, but what choice do I have? I've gotta make it up! Right foot step up. Left foot step up. Repeat. Repeat again... And again... and again. By now, I've totally fallen behind. Each step I pray for strength, pray that I don't hold the team back too much, pray that my muscles continue to quickly recover with each short break. Inside, I'm screaming with frustration... My body is so weak! I reach my hand out and Noel lightly tugs on my hand, providing just enough support so I can keep moving. This is so frustrating I want to cry... But what good will crying do? What good will screaming do? *shrug* I still have to climb.

Heavenly Father, thank you for placing different people by my side to help me climb up the mountain. Thank you for the times when I had a hand to hold, a backpack to grab (*smirk*), and different people to walk with me through my struggle uphill. Thank you for the pauses I had to take in which I could see your marvelous creations. Thank you for the beautiful pictures I could take because I had to pause for so many rest-breaks. Thank you for all the clothing every one had when we ate snacks, huddling like penguins in the freezing cold. Thank you for the beauty of the fog and the majesty revealed in your creations as the fog rolled away. Thank you that I got no blisters from wearing hiking shoes that were half a size too small. Thank you for the awesome view and the time given to appreciate even the dew drops hanging from a field of weeds. Thank you for an easy walk back down the mountain. Thank you that no one got hurt climbing the rocks. Thank you, God, for being my strength when I have none left.

In Jesus' name I praise my Father God in heaven for this opportunity to live, to struggle, to serve and be served, amen.

Oncology appointment

Yesterday, Noel and I went to see the oncologist at my hospital. I'll say "my hospital" because I also work there in the physical therapy dept... I love it there! Many of the staff I work with are very caring and good friends... they're family. *grin* After all, I spend most of my daylight hours at work... We laugh and play together, support each other when schedules get packed, we listen to each other, and we occasionally play pranks on each other. I miss work... Can't wait to go back next Monday!!! *excited*

Back to the oncology waiting room... In the half-hour long wait just to register... I was the 5th person in line. On the side, Noel played with an iPhone game, adjusting the volume to what he thought was quiet...which isn't so quiet in a silent waiting room with no other distrations. To me, the game was noisey and slightly irritating... Okay... Honestly more than irritating when just signing-in took so long, I was stressed about time and nervous about meeting a new doctor.

Still, I'm grateful Noel stays by my side. =D He's the sweetest husband I could ever ask God for! Noel is kind, thoughtful, caring, gentle, and able to put up with an irritable Kristy! *Wide grin*

Anyways, back to the doctor. Her choice option is chemotherapy, one that is shown to work with uterine leiomyosarcomas. *shrug* Not quite what i have, but the only option she could offer. She then went on to say that our hospital did not have the capabilities to take care of me, but that she knows a doctor at the Stanford University Cancer Center and also a doctor at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.

So now I wait again. *grin* We'll see who wants to take my case.

Father in heaven, I ask that you continue to guide the doctors so that I get referred to the right people at the right place and the correct time. I also ask that there will be no problems with my insurance for providing all necessary care. I'm anxious because I just want this whole cancer issue dealt with and done. Lord, please give me patience and a good temperament and a positive attitude as my emotions slowly get frayed. I'm used to dealing with issues that have deadlines and the knowledge that once something's over, it's completely done with! In this case, I can't imagine when the whole cancer issue will end or even if I can stop dealing with it... In a couple of months? I wish. In a couple years? Maybe. My whole life? Likely. Lord, the duration of this cancer issue has a timespan that is going to test my temper and my attitude... Please help keep me grounded in your truth and hope, Lord, regardless of what may or may not come.

Thank you, Lord, for the continued support of so many people! I know I like to depend on myself, but please help me to learn to accept and use the support you've provided when I really need it. Thank you so much, Father, that I'm physically healed, feel no current problems, and that my lifting restrictions end this week!!! I'm so excited! Real life again!

Father, I ask that you bless all the people who have blessed me with their support and prayers and well-wishes. Protect them and their families. Grow their families closer together. Fill their days with hope and laughter. Ease their burdens. And when the time calls for it... I ask that you provide each person also with an abundance of love and support... That by your blessing, God in heaven, my family and friends can also feel peace in times of hardship.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Pathology report

Finally got my official pathology report!!! Yay!!!

Quick definitions (hope I'm getting these right... having to compile my research into regular English is tiring!):

*Neoplasm or tumor just means an abnormal growth/proliferation of cells/tissue in the body where it doesn't belong... kind of like weeds in a garden, these cells can grow and spread.

*sarcoma is a cancer arising from the embryonic mesoderm, certain layer when the body first forms to create different types of muscles and connective tissue (such as bone, cartilage, blood).

*malignant cancer means these abnormal cells spread into other areas.

So what does my report actually say? *drum roll*

I officially have "spindle cell sarcoma favoring dedifferentiated leiomyosarcoma" and another area states "given the large size and abdominal location, we favor the diagnosis of smooth muscle neoplasm of uncertain malignant potential."

What does this mean? *wide eyes*

Even though I'm in the medical field, this report took me awhile to process in a way even I could understand!!! *shudder* This is medical terminology at it's worst! *smirk*

First part says I have a connective tissue cancer suggestive of a leiomyosarcoma (smooth muscle connective tissue tumor) that doesn't look like the original cell type it came from. Not so bad right? *grin*

Second portion is just a fancy way of saying that the pathologists don't know how bad or good my cancer is. See? Simple right? *wink* Different cell samples they took demonstrated varying speeds of cell division along with varied cell shapes.

There's a whole bunch of fancy medical words saying that they gave me this diagnosis and specific labels because it didn't fit with the test results of other cancers, and size, and location, and that this isn't my first surgery to remove a large mass in the same area... Lots of big words phrased really nicely. *wide grin*

I have a grade 2 sarcoma (FNCLCC grading system)...still researching if this really means anything to me. I give myself a intermediate rating since this grading scale only goes up to a 3. *wink* From what I looked up, 3's the worst option... I think?

At the very end of my report, it reads that "there are many unusual features to this lesion." My tumor samples have varying characteristics... And God created both me and my body very uniquely!!! *wide grin*

Thank you God that I can take such amusement while my results puzzle many medical staff members. Thank you for the joy and even the laughter I am able to take in a potentially frustrating report. =D Thank you, Father God, that I am vastly enjoying this process of learning new terminology, new medical options, new stuff!

Lord, please continue to help me and Noel keep a positive attitude. May our lives, our words, our actions speak loudly of your powerful presence in our lives. May you bless Noel and I to lean on you and not on ourselves, to depend on your knowledge, your plan for our lives, your goodness. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you are a fair Lord; however, I believe that the Bible tells us that you are a just and loving God. Thank you for being willing to bless Noel and I with the work and lifestyle you've called us to. Thank you that instead of just stepping in to make everything better... you, Father in heaven, are willing to work through us, your children, so that we can be blessed and see your power and glory in action on this broken earth.

In Jesus' name I give you, Lord, my life and my thanks, amen.

Driving

I started driving just a little bit last Thursday... But still, that's FOUR solid weeks of no driving! *sad face* For these last couple of weeks, I've held back from driving because of the core muscles involved in using both hands and feet to drive my manual car. Not anymore... Hurray! I'm so excited!

Have I mentioned yet that I love my car? The outside doesn't look too bad, the inside is a little too roomy for my smaller frame... But the car's driving and handling capabilities... Yeah, that's what I love most and miss most about my car.

Recently, having Noel drive my car... *shudder* My poor car! Thanks Hubby for driving my Speed3, but I believe it responds better to my commands. Yup yup! *grin*

I hop into my car and snuggle myself into the driver's seat. Yeah, in this car, this is totally _my_ seat. With a deft twist of my wrist, my not-so-little car rumbles to life, then settles for a soft purr. Ahhhhhh, this is exactly as I remember. Without much thought, my left foot works the clutch as my right foot lightens up on the brake pedal, ready to step on the gas after my right hand shifts into reverse and my left hand cranks on the steering wheel. Wow, so many words to describe a time of transition that takes less than a second to perform!

Taking off, I leave my housing complex to roam the streets. I dart right, left... Only slowed down by other cars or traffic lights. But even these obstructions don't bother me. At each light, I sit to enjoy the sun and breeze wafting through open windows, smirk at a nearby car that rattles like a bucket of loose bolts, listen to dry leaves rustling along the ground... All the while, I keep my eyes focused on the nearby traffic lights. As soon as the lights turn green, I give my car a little gas... And I'm flying! Cars in adjacent lanes appear to glide backwards; other times, a car may struggle to pass my car only to give up and fall back. *gleeful look*

While entering the freeway, I floor my gas pedal and shift smoothly from second to third gear... I'm flying, fighting my car as the turbo kicks in, and thoroughly enjoying the acceleration! Around another nice curve, all four tires squeal as I pin my left leg and side against the car for stability... Sweet! My car feels so good... So alive! Smoothly transitioning into a straight, I feel each bump, each dip, in the road through my feet, the seat of my pants, my hands, my eyes, my ears. When I'm at my best, the car becomes an extension of my senses... This is what driving is to me, an integral part of my life.

Father in heaven, thank you for the gift of my body...that I am able to enjoy driving with the full use of my hands, my eyes, my body, my feet, my ears... and sometimes even my nose when I burn the clutch (oops)! Thank you for giving me the ability to appreciate this car I've prayed for to get for over 5 years. Thank you for the joy I continue to receive in driving a well set-up car. Thank you for my dad teaching me stick-shift and the training you've provided so that I can safely handle my current car. Lord, thank you for also providing the wisdom to appreciate that I control a car weighing over 3200 pounds, a fancy piece of machinery not to be treated lightly like a toy. Thank you for protecting me from potential accidents and mistakes by me or by others. *wide grin*

In Jesus' name, I thank my Father in heaven for everything that you've created me to be, amen.

Exercise

Exercise and I have an ongoing love-hate relationship. I have a strong dislike for doing an action purely to get or stay strong... Instead, I like to build muscle through paintball, rockclimbing, and crazy projects (like working in my backyard or refinishing my kitchen cabinets). Well, none of those preferred activities are available to me right now with my 10# lifting restriction. *shrug* Standard exercise it is! *sigh*

Today, I pulled out Beach Body Insanity to help guide my workout. And no, I'm not crazy enough to jump right in and do everything... I think I'd flop from exhaustion! Regardless, the jogging in place, high knee marches, lunges... For now, these exercises with the cool-down and stretches are enough to make me sweat. *grin* I can't wait until I'm back to my normal form! I'm looking forward to a hike up Mission Peak and to paintball once my restrictions are off.

For now, I'm going to start ramping up my daily activities. I'm giving myself the option of doing one of the Beach Body Insanity DVDs or going out for a walk/run for this week. Next week, I plan to do both! We'll see, I feel motivated now, but I have the hardest time being consistent! *sheepish grin*

Father, thank you for providing the warm weather that motivates me to be outside! Thank you that I feel so good I now want to exercise! May you please bless me with wisdom in how to exercise and how hard to safely push myself. I want to honor you Lord by taking care of this body that your Spirit resides in and that the Bible calls a temple.

I continue to ask for wisdom and guidance for the doctors involved in my care. Please help guide the doctors to the correct people to contact in order to discuss my case and to make the appropriate decisions. I also ask that you provide accurate testing and analysis of the tissue samples at Stanford. Thank you Lord that The first lab was willing to get a second opinion at Stanford. I don't know the final results yet (and the doctors say they don't know it either)... So instead, Father, I ask for a heart of peace and patience as I and everyone else involved wait for the final result. Help me and Noel to not be anxious or stressed, but to enjoy this waiting period.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.