Darkness Inside

Tangling and twisting, my emotions churn and knot within my chest.  Roiling and tensing, coiling tighter and tighter, the spring inside me is ready to snap.  Give me an excuse, any excuse, to lash out, to vent.  Frantically, I attempt to patch up my walls.  Dark and black, thick ooze seeps through.  Unpleasant stuff.  Bad stuff.

I hate this part of myself.  Dirty.  Ugly.  Angry.  Unreasonable.  My walls are ready to crumble.  I'm so tired of fighting myself, holding myself back, this monster inside.  I'm loosing.  I'm seeing more and more black along the wall.  There's a stench, an evil in myself I try to bury: pride, self-righteousness, feelings of entitlement, stubborness, inflexibility, anger, distrust, irritation.  Bubbling and churning, even more of this distastful black stuff appears as each minute flows by.

I'm tired.  I'm broken.  I'm loosing this battle against myself.  I'm falling, burning out of control.  My emotions are struggling, winning against reason.  I can sense a bite in my words.  I'm becoming inflexible in my thinking.  My ability to problem-solve is quicky disappearing.  My focus is non-exsistant.  Small issues appear as all-encompassing, ground-shaking problems.  Quivering at my own lack of control, I give myself a mental shake-down. 

Rest.  I need rest.  Peace.  Quiet.  Calm.  I want to crawl into a hole.

Burying my head, I want to hide from the world!  Too much stimulus.  Too much noise.  Too much information.  Clasping my hands over my ears, I find myself rocking back and forth, back and forth.  Is someone there?  Go away.  Leave me alone.  No, I'm not lonely.  No, don't touch me or I'll bite.  No, I don't need words of comfort or understanding.  Go away and thank you.

Focus.  I've got to rebuild my walls.  I cannot let this darkness invade.  Beware.  Watch what I say.  Don't talk too much.  Careful what I do.  Withdraw.  Hide.  I need to imprision this monster inside.  Every mis-step, each mistake... there are only so many times and for so many things I can appologize for later.  For now, I need to win this fight.  I'm loosing.

Lord Jesus, I fall so short of you.  I'm no where near able to emulate your example: your love for others, your gentleness of spirit, your humility.  I'm tired of building walls and failing.  I'm tired of feeling this nasty darkness tainting my spirit.  I'm tired of struggling in a never-ending battle in which I will never win.

Jesus, save me.  Save me from drowning in my own vileness.  Cleanse my spirit and replace it with yours.  Be my comfort and my peace when I myself have none.  Wash away this darkness.  Heal my body and my spirit.  Give me rest that can only be found in your presence.  Renew my heart, my mind, my soul in you and you alone.  When people look at me, may they see you instead.  Help me be more than I am capable of being by myself.  Fix my eyes upon you, Jesus, and not on myself. 

Father God, thank you for the hope you give through Jesus.  Thank you for cleaning me of the dirt I've once again accumulated inside.  Thank you for the peace in my heart.  Thank you for the joy that I have when I seek you for rest.  Hold me in your arms.  Sing me gently to sleep. 

When I awake, refresh my spirit and my body so that I may once again serve you; not out of my own abilities, but through your Spirit.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

And for those reading this blog: may you be blessed this day with the Lord's spirit of true peace, real love, inexplainable joy and everlasting hope.

Thank you for reading!  *super big hugs*

Playing with the camera:

Port Away!

I’m so excited!

God, I’m finally getting this port out of my chest today.  I ask that you provide the same person who placed this port in my body to be the same person who takes it out.  I ask that you help the procedure go smoothly.  Guide the medical staff to hear and remember that I only want local anesthesia and not to be sedated (recovery time takes longer).  Help my body to not have any negative reactions and please provide minimal scarring over time.  Father God, also can you provide so that I don’t cough during the procedure?  I think I’m coming down with a cold, but I don’t want to delay the removal of this port; please manage any coughing or symptoms that I may have.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Shiver.  That's cold!

A sponge containing a bright orange chemical runs across my upper chest.  Left to right and then left again.  Excess fluid trickles down the outside of my left arm.  Up my neck, wet and slighty sticky, I feel the sponge coating everywhere and anywhere around my potential surgical site.  The port’s on the left side of my chest.  Wait, why in the world is this lady applying the antiseptic cleaner all the way to my right chest?  *mental shrug*  Whatevers, at least they’re letting me stay awake for this procedure!

Surprisingly weighty, a large blue paper and plastic sheet is placed on my abdomen.  Unfolding the cover, a medical personnel extends the sheet up and over my head.  Now, all I see is a lot of blue.  A large hand reaches under the cover and something is removed.  Firmly pressing down, I feel sticky adhesive plastic applied to my left chest.  I’m guessing that this is a sterile blue sheet with an adhesive window for the surgical procedure.  Crumpling upwards, the blue is lifted away from my face so I can peek out and breathe.  Too bad I can’t see anything… they have my head turned to the right as they work on my left chest. 

Bummer.

Stab.  Prick.  I feel the needle injecting lidocaine into my left chest area. Bit by bit, I feel the pricks less and less.  Quiet.  A slight tugging sensation.  What’s going on?  Oh, the scalpel is cutting an incision over the port.  A little discomfort then a small tug… guess that’s the port coming out.

Stitch.  Stitch.  Stitch.  Dermal glue.  Finished!  The blue drape is pulled away from my face, chest and body; rolled into a massive ball and thrown into the garbage.  Procedure complete!

Hurray!

Back in the recovery room: a quick check-up, change of clothes, paperwork signing and final care instructions.  I just remember nodding my head to instructions about ice for the swelling, use of pain meds, how to shower and care for my incision… in one ear and out the other.  I have no intention of icing the incision because excessive icing can delay wound closure (inflammation is not always bad when it comes to healing).  Pain meds… I have no intention of taking any, I can easily distract myself by doing something to keep myself occupied (plus, I don't trust my body with meds right now... any meds are likely to de-stabilize my body).  Shower?  The dermal glue is present so the wound area is sealed so long as I don’t pick at it, it’ll come off in a week or two.  Done, now I can finally eat!  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for providing such accommodating medical staff to my multiple requests and endless questions.  Thank you that I was able to get my port removed even faster than the original scheduled time and out a lot quicker than the staff expected.  Thank you for managing the pain and swelling so that I can basically ignore the incision site.  Lord, even though it seems insignificant, thank you that I can wear my normal bras again without the strap aggravating my port site.  Thank you that soon, I won’t have to worry about accidently scratching the skin over a protruding port.  Thank you that during the surgical procedure, I did not need to cough at all!

Lord Jesus, I want to go back to work again!  I worked full-time 4 days last week, was off this Monday for the port removal and now have been off sick from work with a cold.  Please heal my body, my throat and clear my nose so I can breathe easier, talk clearly, stop hacking and not sniffle.

In Jesus’ name I give thanks for these extra days of rest and increased physical stability, amen.

Just wanted to say that God is really awesome!  This cold of mine was delayed until _after_ my port removal.  I also celebrated my brother, Winston's, birthday (on his birthday) Monday evening with my entire family!  Yes, having a cold sucks... and I feel bad about not being able to go in to work... but I'm getting better again.  Can't wait to start serving again in my workplace!  The energy, excitement, constant adaptation and purposeful work... it's awesome.  I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to serve in such a great work envirmonment.  I raise my hands in praise to my Lord Jesus for so many many awesome blessings!

May you be blessed this week to see how great and fulfilling work and life and family  truly is.  Love ya, Kristy.  =D

Winston's birthday celebration with my family:

Breaking Through the Clouds: Returning to Work

  11:50pm

                                       12:15am

        12:23am                                                                            12:36am

                                                                 12:40am

                      1:00am

When am I going to fall asleep?  I crawled into bed about 11pm, but time seems to slide by and I'm still awake.

1:16am

                                         1:32am

I’m super excited about returning to work.  I don’t want to be late for my first day back… but at the same time, I want a good night’s rest!

Father God, I’m super super hyped about this opportunity to return to work.  Sure in the back of my head, there’s this tiny doubt… can I make it through the day?  But Father, I see you make so many things possible, time after time… that I know tomorrow (or later today) will be great!  I may get tired, but I also know that you will provide.  Plus, I’ve got these awesome friends at work that I can lean on if anything gets out of hand.  I'm not alone. 

God, I believe that you are in full control of my life, my body, my capabilities.  So into your all-powerful hands, I give my work, my time, my attitude.  Father, whatever you set before me at work, help me to serve to the best of my abilities.  Help me to pick up the computer documentation quickly.  Guide me so there are no mistakes in my choice of treatments.  Help me find stuff fairly quickly and efficiently.  Make my brain alert and flexible to handle whatever comes my way.  Brush the cobwebs off my hands so that my unna boots, wound debridment, dressing applications are all appropriate.  Provide situations where I can help my co-workers and I can be helped, that we can enjoy work as a team.  Give me a “can-do” attitude, a joyful smile, energy to make it through the full work day and peace in situations out of my control.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

********

The sun is rising.  Blush-pink clouds are surrounded by a light blue sky.  This morning is chilly.  The wind bites my cheeks with a cold snap.  Shivering, I pull my thin jacket tighter around my body.  Sharp light from the sun pierces my gaze as rays of light stream through graying clouds.  The sharp scent of pine wafts through the air as my shoes crunch fallen pine needles.  On the ground, clumps of dirt are scattered across the concrete from the fenced construction area. 

This is my workplace.  This is my other home away from home.  I'm finally back and I'm early.  *smirk*  So much for worrying about missing my first day of work; not happening.

Thank you, Father God, for stabilizing my body today.  Thank you for giving me the energy to complete work and drive home alert.  Thank you for providing a quick response from the IT Help Desk so I can reset my password for access into the computer system.  Thank you for allowing me to help with an evaluation and the detailed paperwork associated with it prior to seeing my own eval for the day.  Thank you for the opportunity to dive in and experience a full range of wound services including the change to apply an unna boot, 4-layer wrap, wound VAC... to perform sharp debridement and for jogging my brain so that I can play with a combination of wound dressings.  Father, thank you for not letting my mind be fuzzy today, for helping me assign patients onto therapist schedules, being able to complete treatment documentations, manage my time/resources, field phone calls… so many big and little things.  Thank you, Father God, for the pacing of today's treatments so that I did not feel overwhelmed.

Father, I thank you for providing for more than I know! 

Working today felt so right, like a breath of fresh air after being trapped for way too long.  Being able to work is such a huge blessing!  Thank you for renewing my hope and attitude towards the future, for giving me strength to keep moving forward, for so much loving support.  Lord God, you give me everything I need and more.  Thank you for this life, for my friends, for giving me the ability to continue performing as a physical therapist.

In Jesus’ name I raise my hands in praise, amen.