Thursday, November 28, 2013

Gluten-free Cooking

Thursday, November 21, 2012

The more I'm told I can't eat something, the more I want it!

As each week passes, I'm getting more and more sensitive to the smallest amount of gluten present in my foods.  Booooooo.  This sucks... but cramping up and feeling like my abdomen is the remnants of a punching bag is so much worse!  No more soft stretchy bread.  No more regular soy sauce.  No more easy fast food.  No more  walking by a plate of snacks and stuffing it in my mouth.  No more wontons, potstickers and green onion pancakes!

I refuse!  I absolutely refuse to limit myself.  Not like my food choices are the most healthy, but I LIKE eating them.  *wide grin*

First step, learn what gluten-free cooking is like.  I need to use the basic gluten-free ingredients available to understand the groundwork of my new diet... then springboard out from there and modify my cooking techniques to match.  Sounds good right?

Yeah... like I'm that patient.

Forget the simple cooking with spices, veggies and meat.  I want potstickers and green onion pancakes!  The classic Chinese foods that I grew up making and eating.  Today, with the help of my sister, mom and dad, we'll embark on this new adventure together!

Okay.  Basic of the basics, store-bought gluten-free flour... no self-mixing, not yet.  Pouring the entire package into a metal bowl, I stare at the contents. Growing up, my family and I have _always_ made huge patches of everything. Planning for left-overs to eat later is our standard.  However, this little portion of flour, barely even two cups, sat in all its expensive splendor, looking even smaller for sitting in a large bowl.  Ah well, next and only ingredient my family uses with the flour.... warm water.  Why warm water you ask?  The partially "cooked" dough works great with the green onion pancakes so the middle is never undercooked.

Warm water, warm water... in it goes!  Pour a little water, mix to combine with the flour.  Add a little more water and stir until the entire mixture is even and just barely wet so that no dry flour is visible.  Nice!  This looks like normal dough... what was I worrying about?  Reading all the information online, I expected the gluten-free dough mixture to have issues.  What issues?

Scooping out a handful, I plop my dough onto the pre-floured table.  Rolling pin ready?  Squish!  Roll.... ummmm.... roll?  The mixture isn't rolling!  In fact, I stare in horror as the mixture sticks to everything it touches!  Within half a minute, my dough goes from a round ball to a sleek-looking and shiny... puddle.  There's no other way to describe it.  My mixture is puddling right in front of my eyes!

Forget my dream of potstickers... this stuff's not going to keep it's shape at all!  I know this flour is based primarily on brown rice flour... but I didn't expect the results to look just like when I play with glutinous rice flour to make mochi.  =S

I'm sad, but I'm stubborn too!  I've already got a whole bowl of thinly chopped green onions... there's no way I'm wasting food!  So fine, if a rolling pin doesn't work, I'll use a butter knife!  Calmly, quietly, stubbornly, I use my butter knife to spread, chop, push the amorphorous mixture into the largest, thinnest, single-piece of dough I could create.

Besides me, my mom rolls her dough in the palm of her hands.  She stops. Drip.  Drip.  Drip.  The mixture dribbles through her fingers and plop, lands on the table.  In bemusement, I watch as my mom scoops up her ball of dough and repeats the process with the exact same results.

"Hey Mom... are you going to try and roll your dough out?"

"This dough won't roll.  It's already too wet so I won't add the oil.  Why don't we just mix in the green onions and salt?"

"But Mom, it won't be the same!  The purpose of rolling the dough out so flat and thin is to add oil and create multiple layers!"

"There's no way you can add oil.  This thing won't roll.  You can't make the layers."

"Okay... how about this... you try your way and I try the traditional way you taught me.  Let see what works and how things taste.  Sound good?"

Glancing to my left, I watch my mom scoop a pinch of salt and some green onions.  Dough dribbling left and right, she mashes the whole mixture together.  Rolling it into a ball, she places her finished product on the side, ready to cook.  Oops... her mix is visibly flattening and the edges are running!

"Dad!  We need your help!  Mom's green onion pancake is running away!  Can you pour some oil, heat up the pan and fry this thing?!?"

Grimacing at my dough, I watch it sitting in a puddle in front of me.  Where'd my ball of dough disappear to?  Large.  Shiny.  Watery.  Goodness... is it even possible to make green onion pancakes?  My idea for potstickers is already out the window.  *shrug*  I'll MAKE this work!  Pouring oil onto my wet-looking dough, I smear it over the whole surface.  Well, this oil layer is _supposed to_ create layers... ummmmm, this looks like a mess.  Well, not just a mess... this looks very, very wrong.  Stubbornly, I keep going.  I sprinkle an even layer of salt over the oil.  Next, spread a generous portion of green onions over the entire surface.  Oops, gotta fill the edges too!

Quickly, I attempt to pick-up a corner of my dough to start the rolling process.  No luck.  This whole thing is literally a soft puddle!  What to do?  A plastic scrapper would be more efficient, I don't have one.  Butter knife to the rescue!

Holding my breath, I scoop one end of my doughy mess and fold a centimeter of one straight edge back on itself.  Standing back, I watch it start melting in on itself.  Ugh... gotta hurry!  Scrape.  Fold.  Scrape.  Fold.  Forget rolling this dough into a log or a snake-shape... I'm doing my best to keep this whole thing together so it doesn't puddle in on itself!  Fast.  Faster.  Scrape.  Fold. Scrape.  Fold.  Done!  I've got the long snake-shape!  Quickly, I grab one end and start rolling.  This step looks like I'm making a large snail.  Success!

I lift my coiled dough mixture high overhead.  I did it!  Ugh.  Oil is dripping between my fingers.  Looking at my nicely coiled snail... well, it's not that anymore.  My green onion pancake is dribbling oil and looks nothing like it should.  In fact, my whole mixture looks like it's melting!  Are the layers even there?  I can't tell.  The mixture in my hand looks like a wet mess of dough with oil and green onions trying their best to escape.  This whole mixture isn't even cohesive enough to maintain any shape!

"Dad... is the pan ready?  Is the oil hot enough?"

"Give me a little longer... it's almost hot enough to cook"

A while longer huh?  My mixture now _is_ a puddle... there's no way I can even finish the last roll into the proper 3/4 centimeter, supposedly round, classic green onion pancake shape.  Instead, as soon as the pan's ready, I intend to dump my mixture into the pan and let it puddle itself into the proper thickness.

Amazing.  Thank you, God, that today, we were able to at least have one semi-successful Chinese food type item!  Lord, the potsticker filling... well, that's now in the freezer for another day.  The green onion pancake... yikes, Lord God, when you created gluten, you created an awesome product that cannot be imitated by anything else!  The green onion pancakes, although very difficult to make, still tasted wonderful!  I little crunchier on the outside and fewer layers on the inside, but still pretty good!

Sorry Mom... the single piece version just doesn't taste the same without the layering effect.  =D

Father God, thank you for my wise sister, Jessica.  Not only did she teach me how to use spaghetti squash as noodles, she made a super yummy meat-filled spaghetti sauce that saved us from eating only carbohydrates for lunch!

Lord, thank you for a wonderful, fully supportive family!  Thank you for today, filled with laughter, time to experiment with a very different product and most of all, thank you for blessing me and my family with new ideas in how to cook!

Father, I know when I first realized my sensitivity to gluten, dairy, egg, alcohol, some fruits... and who knows what else... I remember being shocked. Numb.  I felt totally defeated and hopeless.  But Lord, you are so good to me. Beyond the basics of veggies, meat and spices... you provided friends at church we showed me that gluten-free soy sauce exists.  You provided multiple friends who also have gluten sensitivities and they helped guide me through this landmines of a gluten-free, veganish, but still meat-eating, world.

In Jesus' name I thank you, Father God, for ideas, for so much support, for this time to learn a new lifestyle... thank you so much for hope and good food!


Monday, November 25, 2013

Did I say that I'm stubborn?  I want to make those potstickers and try a gluten-free dough that can be rolled!

This is the mix:  2-1/2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons of xanthum gum, pinch of salt, 2 eggs and water as needed to create the dough... this time, we mixed as dry as possible.

Father God, wow... what wonders the xanthum gum and the egg does in binding this dough.  Thank you, Lord, for these options.  I know I'm a little sensitive to eggs, but just a little this time okay?  I really wanted to see what would happen!  Father, even though everything rolled out nicely... the results were a little dry.  But that's not the point... it is possible to make potstickers and create proper layers in a green onion pancake!  I'm sure with more refinement and practice, I'll eventually be able to make both these dishes to be very close to the original.  I'm very excited!

Lord, thank you for friends and family who are willing to be adventurous with me... to venture into the unknown and base their meals on a potentially unsuccessful cooking experiment!  Thank you, Father God, for the laughter, the fun, the challenge of living this new dietary lifestyle.  Thank you, Lord, for providing so much gluten-free products so that I can fully stock my kitchen at a very reasonable price!  Thank you for books and online access to many tips and recipes so I can learn techniques in this new style of cooking.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Next step: gluten-free vegan dough!  I plan to make green onion pancakes and potstickers using gluten-free flour (brown rice, potato starch and tapioca starch pre-mix)... maybe 2 cups, 1-2 teaspoons xanthum gum, 2 eggs substituted by 2 tablespoon flaxseed meal/flour in 6 tablespoons of cool water (let sit for 2 minutes to thicken), maybe some applesauce for additional moisture and warm water as needed.

Think this'll work?  Conceptually, this recipe should be more malleable compared to my first attempt and more moist compared to my second attempt.  =D

Jessica, me, Dad, Mom

This is the gluten-free flour and water mix.

See how runny this dough mix is?

These are the green onion pancakes
Thanks Jo Ann and Andy for helping me experiment!!!

Gluten-free flour mixture with egg... see how it has shape but still cracks?  I miss gluten.

A little tough and dry, but still potstickers!  See the different shapes?  Anything to minimize the cracking potsticker skin!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Morning at Home

New Video: Kristy gets a haircut!
Thanks Stephen for doing such an awesome job compiling this!  Video can also can be found in my video corner... look to the right of your screen.  =D

Monday, Novemeber 18, 2013

Warm.  Soft.  Comfortable.  Drifting in a haze of  *beep* *beep* *beep*  "Hmmmmmm..."  Burying my head deeper into warm comforters, I attempt to ignore the intruding sounds of an old alarm clock.

The body besides me flings out his arm, hitting the snooze button.  Grumbling at the seeping cold, I cling tighter to my pillows, seeking warmth.  Arms and legs reach out, blindly grasping, winding tight around the only other warm object available, my husband.  Twinning tight... I'm not letting go!

Quiet.  Peace.  Radiating warmth.  I relax and submerge myself back into vivid dreams of real people and fantastically impossible situations. This must be a side effect of the chemotherapy because I only ever get these crazy half awake, half asleep dreams each week I first get back home.

Drifting in warm gray fog, real or not, I don't care.  This is comfortable.  Diffuse light flows softly, calmly.  Nothing harsh, nothing sharp exists here.  Nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry over.  I'm content to stay like this forever!  What?  Cold seeps in, reality intrudes. My warm heat source is moving!  Nooooooo!!!  Dazed, I feel warm blankets tucked tight around me. A flutter of cold air and a smaller blanket settles around me, lulling me into its warm embrace.

In the muffled distance, I can hear my husband getting ready to start his day.  So soon?  Plantively, I offer a token grumble of protest.  No effect.  Bummer.  A new day.  What dragons will I face this time?  Slowly, I prepare.  Layer on layer of expectations, resolutions... list upon list of intentions.  Armor.  Guard. Shield.  Heart.  Okay... think I'm prepared to face the day.

Thump.  The bed shakes.  Careful.  Slow.  Determined.  A heavy weight approaches.  Nooooooooooo, I don't want this, not right now!  I'm not ready yet!  The bed dips.  Closer and closer.  Up my leg, then my hip... finally, settling on my upper chest.  Face tucked close with mine, my cat, Mika, pads at my neck and purrs.  Soft.  Fluffy.  Whiskers in my face.  Glowing eyes stare deep into my sleep-glazed eyes. Ugh.  So heavy.  Paws constantly moving, demanding attention, demanding to be petted and cuddled.  A distracted glance, that's all it takes.  Mika stealthily creeps forward, closer, even closer.  A paw lands on my face.  Annoyed, I wiggle to dislodge the unwanted bulk.  Insufficient.  Against Mika's determined will and my half-hearted attempts, I loose.  Soft, cute, furry... Yeah, all that and _heavy_ too.  Grrrr.... get that fluffy butt OFF my face!

"Good morning Ma'am.  I have your breakfast.  What is your name and birthday?"  Huh?  What?  Heavy Philipino accent?  I'm home right?  Or am I dreaming and I'm still at the hospital?  Argh... where am I really?  Rolling towards the voice, I crack open one eye .  There's a cat, I've gotta be at home.  Through dense fuzzy fur, I see two arms outreached, a silhouette with his back hunched forward and a steaming bowl of what smells like chicken soup.  Blinking away my mental fog, I watch my husband as he stands there watching me.  What in the world?  His body language looks just like the service staff at the hospital offering me food!

Bursting out in laughter, I reply "Kristy Esporo.  July 5th, 19**."

Humph, thought you're gonna figure out how old I am huh?  You really wanna know?  Too bad for those who don't already know.  *smirk*

Thank you, Father God, for a wonderful husband who daily serves me breakfast in bed.  Thank you for his constant sense of humor, his positive attitude, his loving heart.  Lord, you've blessed me beyond measure.  Because of your provisions, my husband and I can wake up laughing.  Because of these many gifts you've given us, we don't have to wake up in the morning and worry about what the day will bring... we know that you've already provided and will continue to provide.  Any worries we may have are just a slight drop in the calm pool of your all-powerful presence.

Lord, I am overwhelmed by your love.  So deep.  So impossible.  So complete.

May the laughter your've blessed us with in our household resound in those reading this blog.  Father God, you are awesome.  What else can I say?  Money, security, health... Noel and I have none of these in excess, but we are joyful in your presence beyond comprehension because we know... we know that we are completely cared for, loved, and that nothing... absolutely nothing is out of your control.  Lord God, I feel so loved now, more than when our jobs were stable.  More than when I had full independence.  More than when I thought I knew where my life was headed.  Lord... all the dreams that were based on stability and independence... now out the window... I am happier and acknowledge that I am more blessed than I believed possible!  Thank you.

In Jesus' holy name, I give my thanks, amen.

Ducking down so the needles show!  =D  Acupuncture is so cool... I felt so much better!

My parents and I having fun with the camera phone.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Life's Journey with God

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today, my nurse said, "I was reading your chart.  Wow, you've gone through a lot.  How do you stay so cheerful?"

How should I answer?  I don't have a quick easy answer except to say "God is good, really good."  Even a reply like this doesn't provide a full understanding of how God enables me to be cheerful.

My attitude and my personality alone didn't create this cheerfulness. Rather, I've struggled with so many ups and downs... been spun around with unexpected events occurring  so far out of the blue that I've heard many repetitions of the comment "this usually doesn't happen."  In truth, I'm cheerful and I take joy in seeing the blessings God brings into my life... but I can't say I'm "happy" about having cancer or living with so many unexpected struggles.

I'm learning to roll with the punches, to expect the unexpected. But most of all, I believe that my God has a purpose for my life.  I believe I have an all-powerful God guiding my life who can fully cure me of all my problems right now; however, I also believe in this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his [God's] purpose."  Romans 8:28 (New King James Version)

So for those, like me, who love God... what is this good thing we get?  This goodness is an advantage that benefits those who love God and specifically is linked with following God's purpose/calling.  This verse doesn't talk about getting good things like gifts just for the sake of acquiring more things... instead, this verse is about situational advantages that God promises to provide so that those who love him are enabled to walk the path he's laid out.

I know God loves me and that I am spoiled by his many provisions.  I know that God will shape my life to grow me to love him more so that my life can reflect his purpose, his power, his will.  I've find that my life is coming together in many unexpected ways.  In and through this cancer journey, I know I am undoubtably loved.

Quick list of huge blessings I've noted:
*Financially, Noel and I are not in the red even with a significant decrease in income these past few years... totally unexpected!
*My new dietary requirements would normally be a lot more difficult except that God has provided multiple people in my life who have already experienced similar issues and can provide a lot of insight.
*Driving for groceries is difficult, but God provides food from friends.
*Waves of despair and depression are buoyed by the constant support and encouragements of family and friends.
*God gave me medical knowledge in order to circumvent and manage many physical issues related to edema, open wounds, scars, fatigue, nutrition and medicine.

My conclusion: God has a reason and a purpose for my life, for this cancer, for all the ups and downs I have and will struggle through.

Lord Father God, you gave me this life... you can just as easily take this life away.  Why am I here?  What am I doing?  Lord, I know you have a broader vision.  Give me a glimpse of where you are leading me so I can hope, so I know where and how to fight.  May I be your soldier in this world, but not of it. Give me strength.  Give me insight.  Give me wisdom.  Give me courage.

Lord, help me fight where I need to fight.  Give me a humble attitude to listen when I need to follow.  Continue to boost my attitude as I chose to live this life in service to you. May my life, my words, my heart shine with your spirit.  May this life bring you, my God,  honor and glorify your name.  Give me reason to keep smiling.  Give me the heart to see the good and the fun in this life's journey.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.


Playing paintball with our team: Uprising!

Exercising or sleeping? Take a guess :P

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Changes... Again

Saturday, November 3, 2013

What's my weight right now?  Is it same? Less?  Never before in my life have I ever been so fixated on my weight.  A combination of dietary intake and fluid intake... Both able to skew my weight and my assessment of my "health."


New diet, new foods.  I'm constantly analyzing and recording what I eat. Okay, this time... Were there any problems?  Diarrhea?  Itchy mouth? Gas/bloating?  Discomfort?  What ingredients were included?  What products may cause problems?  Trial after endless test trial... I'm researching myself.


Beyond my allergy to alcohol (now manageable with pre-medication of Benedryl and maybe Zyrtec)... I'm now sensitive to foods with the slightest bit of diary. Wanna test me?  I can tell if the slightest drop of diary is present in my food.  Now, newest of the new, I'm also sensitive to gluten products.


Grrrrrrrrrrr...  have I always been sensitive to all these food products and never realized it?  More likely, the chemo is causing my body to over-react. *deep sigh*  Bland foods are safer... Maybe?  Or could it be that I eat the same food day in and day out that I'll acquire a new allergy?


I'm confused. 


At the same time, I'm enjoying a whole new food adventure!  I'm learning soy sauce has gluten, but there's a gluten-free variety of soy sauce available!  Even vinegar can have gluten.  Wow... my mind is filled with thoughts of "I can eat this... oh wait, maybe not."  Turns out cross-contamination can lead to gluten being present in products like corn or oats.  


The other day, I made vegan nacho cheese using cashews and nutritional yeast. =O Nothing compares to the original; however, my eyes are opening to the many substitute foods available! Well, at least I'm acquiring new cooking combinations.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Right after I feel that I'm getting a better understanding of my body in relation to food... Nope!  Time to spin me around and mix everything up again. All the confidence I gained from figuring out what I can eat to stabilize my body... All out the window!

I'm eating both gluten and dairy-free, non spicy, "known" foods that don't cause any problems. Hopeless. My body is acting up again and I'm constantly running to the toilet. Grrrrrrrrrrr...  how long is this running to the toilet issue going to last this time?  I'm getting really impatient with myself!

I can feel my energy draining away again. Walking up stairs causes a burning sensation in my thighs. I'm starting to get short of breath with decreasing levels of acitivity. What in the world is going on?!?  I thought I was supposed to get BETTER between rounds of chemotherapy. 


I'm whining. Kristy, stop it!  

Deep breath... Work out this issue.

Possibilities:
1. My body is getting sensitized to all sorts of foods and overreacting by expelling it as quick as possible.
2.  The effects of this chemotherapy (beyond the initial fatigue and nausea) are just becoming apparent now.
3.  I caught a bug that's irritating my digestive track.

My take is likely option #2.  You ask why?  Well, I can now pull out little clumps of hair from my head.  The mini bald spots represent the chemotherapy affecting my actively dividing cells.  My digestive track lining is also susceptible to the chemotherapy.  Great... everything I thought I had figured out is now out the window.

Lord God, I don't want to go through this whole being stuck by the toilet again!  I'll even only eat rice if I have to!  I'm tired. I want to wail and cry... But that won't help fix my body.

Lord, how much more?  Help me stay hopeful, keep my eyes fixed on you, take every day step by step without floundering. Lord God, I want to be like Peter, to boldly walk on the water with Jesus!  I DON'T want to end up like Peter, looking around in fear, loosing faith and sinking after having already stood on water. God, don't let me lose sight of you and sink!  There's a reason I'm still here. There's a reason you haven't cured me yet. So Father God, give me the courage, faith, strength to look only at you!  I don't need to dwell in the pain, embarrassment, difficulties of this life. As I live solely for you, Lord God, your opinion is what matters most. Help me not get distracted from my purpose for living. May you be honored and glorified in my attitude, my words, my actions.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Vegan Nacho Salad... with meat!  =D
October 30, 2013:  My new haircut
Went rockclimbing.  Tired, but sooooo fun!