Two Sides of a Coin

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Breath in.  Breathe out.  In.  Out.

I'm still awake. 

Laying in bed, I shudder as a chill runs through my body.  No, I don't have a fever, nor do I have I cold. I just don't feel well.  I feel like a broken record.  I'm tired.  I'm also tired of being tired.

Layer on layer of blankets push down on me.  My arms appreciate the warmth as I snuggle close to Noel.  My feet, not so happy.  The pressure of these blankets, while welcome, seem to bother my feet.  So uncomfortable.  Irritably, I shift my feet, pointing them outwards. The blankets still push on my toes.  This sucks.  Rolling to my left, I snuggle my back against Noel's warmth. 

Cuddling my hot water bottle, I consider my options.  One, I can try to sleep... I really want to sleep.  Did I mention that I'm tired?  Or two, stay awake because I'm going to need to run to the toilet, again.  That'll be the fifth time or maybe sixth time in this hour?  Life can really suck.  Maybe I should take more meds?  Well, if I could know the future, I would've taken meds an hour ago. 

So, why not take the meds now?  *sigh*  Should I brave the cold?  Is it worth it?  Probably... But it'll be cold outside these blessed blankets!  As is, I may have another hour of facing the cold anyways... May as well add another trip. 

Grumbling in my head, I slide my feet out.  Yikes!  The air really is chilly.  I wanna stay in bed!  Half-in and half-out of bed...I'm enjoying the warmth under partial blankets but also feeling the cold in the room.... that part's not so pleasant.  Ah, Kristy, move it!  Flipping the blankets off, I slide out of bed onto my feet.  Legs trembling, I shuffle through the dark, around the bed, to the bathroom.  Closing the door behind me, I flick on the lights.  This way, I won't wake Noel.  At least, I hope I won't.  He's gotta work tomorrow.

Fingers now chilled by the air, I grab my medicine by the sink.  Standing here, my legs tremble.  I wish I could say I'm shivering from the cold.  Yeah, it's chilly, but my legs are just weak.  Today is one if those not-so-good days where everything I do feels like an instant energy drain.  Sinking to my bottom, I sit on the bathroom floor.  Medicine bottle in hand, I stare at the bright orange plastic.  Come on, all I've gotta so is twist the white cap.  *deep sigh*  Did I mention I hate taking meds?

Twisting the white cap, I pop open the lid and pour out little white pills into my palm.  Taking one, I place the rest back into the bottle.  With a click, I twist the cap closed.  Attempting to break the pill in half... well, tonight, that's not working.  My fingers are still strong (I think) but they feel bruised from the neuropathy... kind of hard to use.  Staring at the tiny white pill, I bring it to my mouth and bite.  Half the pill crumbles into my mouth.  Carefully, I twist my upper body until I can grab the counter.  Hands reaching up, I grab ledge.  Pull.  With determination, I heave myself back onto my feet. Placing the pill bottle at the edge of the sink, I gently place the left-over white half-pill on the lid. That will be for later. 

Tired, I lean my elbows on the counter.  Swiveling my left arm, I grab my cup.  Shifting my body left, I shift most my weight onto my left elbow to support myself.  My legs ache.  Silly huh?  Just a little standing and I feel like I'm near my limit. 

Filling my cup with water, I down my medicine.  Hands now frozen by the cold water, I contemplate the walk back to bed.  Should I just stay here in the restroom?  Sure it's cold, but if I need to use the toilet again, I'm so much closer.  Ahhhh, why am I being lazy?  Everything I do, every extra step, is exercise!  I'm weak enough... moving is good for me.

Shuffling forward, I turn off the light.  Opening the door, I inch my way around the base of the bed.  Sitting gently, I carefully swing my legs up and quickly burrow into the comforters.  Ahhhhh, so warm.  Wriggling my feet, I wrap my toes around the warm water bottle Noel placed in the bed just for me.  Lifesaver!  

The soothing warmth calms me.  Slowly, I let my muscles relax.  Sinking into the bed, maybe now I can finally rest?

 

Lord God, I seem to be getting weaker... not stronger.  I know the doctors tell me that I'm doing really well... I'm glad to hear that, but living like this is tough.  Thank you, Father God, for the loving company of friend, for the distraction of starting a jewelry shop on Etsy and for the ability to surf on Pinterest.  Lord, I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to this body.  I know you bless me so that while I hang out with family and friends, my body (for the most part) is on its best behavior.  Thank you so much for that blessing!  Thank you, Lord Father, for taking care of me... for making socializing still possible... for giving me the strength to sit when standing takes too much out of me.

God, being 20 pound lighter than 6 months ago scares me.  It's not like I was chubby before... but now, I just look anorexic.  *shudder*  Father, after chemo is done, can you please help me regain my muscle mass?  Not for looks, but so that I can participate in my hobbies without restrictions.  I want to run while playing paintball, carrying full pods of paint and wearing all my gear.  I want to rock climb, the longer climbs twice without stopping.  I want to walk without my hips getting tired.  I want to stand without fear of collapsing.  When I finally return to work, I want to serve my patients without running to the toilet.

Father, there are days when I have the energy to cook.  Then there are days when I feel like crawling.  One body, but every day changes... I never know what to expect.

 

God, when I'm feeling down, help me to see you... in my life, as my support... remind me that you are the source of my strength.  Father, when this set of chemotherapy is done... can you please heal me?  Fully?  That'd be super nice.  But whatever your plans are, Father, may my attitude, my actions, my heart shine with your Spirit.  May you, O Lord, be ever honored and glorified.  

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Thanks Stephen for the newest video at http://youtu.be/_agZq6Iwc5g

Nina and I learn to cook pad see ew and Korean tacos!  Yummy!  Thanks Nina!

 

 

Karen and I working on earrings.  See how much of a mess I make?

Earrings finished!!!  We're wearing them.  =D

Earrings I made for my sister: sterling silver, pink cats-eye and Swarovski crystal

Red Fire & Ice Earrings... thinking if I should change it.  Red ruby gemstone and Swarovski crystal on sterling silver.

Therapy Making GF Vegan Wonton Wrappers

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Finger tips burning.  Palms tingle.  Everything kinda feels numb.  How far does my neuropathy go?  Up my wrist?  Forearm?  So hard to distinguish what's "normal" anymore.  All I know is that my sense of touch is skewed. Most objects I touch have a sort of soft feel.  My cats, even the one with rougher fur... her fur feels like the softest and fluffiest pelt in the world.

My feet also ache... well, ache isn't quite the right description.   Bruised?  The blankets press my feet into the mattress.  Rolling my feet first right, then left, right again.   Arghhhh.  No matter how I shift my feet, I cant escape the sensation of discomfort.  I give up.  I throw the blankets off.  Cold air hits bare feet.  Whatevers.  I'm going to ignore all the weird signals from my hands and feet!

Tossing my legs over the side of my bed, I slide into standing.  Youch!  What in the world?!?  Do I have blisters or something on the bottom of my feet? Did I somehow burn my feet using the hot water bottle while keeping warm? Bending forward, I grab my ankle.  Flexing my knee, I flip my left foot up to check bottom sole of my foot.  Nothing there.  No redness.  No blisters.  What's going on?  Right foot?  Left foot?  Nothing there but normal pale pink skin and dry crackly-looking heels.  There's nothing on my feet!

Tentatively, I place both feet on the ground.  Stubbornly, I press my feet even harder into the ground.  I am not going to label this feeling as "pain."  Mentally, the labeling of "pain" may limit my actions.  Ummmm... Ignore, ignore.  The more pressure I place on both feet, the stronger this unpleasant "sensation" is. 

I'll never get anything done today if I dwell on the dysfunctions of my body. Ignore.  Absolutely _nothing_ is different from usual.  Get up.  Move!

Reaching out, I grab a pair of fluffy brown socks.  Keeping my feet warm may intensify the annoying signals running through damaged nerve endings... But the more circulation I can maintain, the higher the probability of my body healing.  I'll do anything to maximize recovery to my nerves!  Short-term discomfort, no matter how annoying, is worth the effort!  Plus... additional benefit: desensitization.  Try poking at the same spot, the body stops taking note of the repetitive sensations.  I'll just have to trust that in my case, avoiding discomfort is not to my benefit!

Keep warm.  Keep moving. Stay hydrated to flush out chemicals in my body. Wear soft slippers to distribute pressure and minimize discomfort.  What else?  Ummmmm, massage to increase circulation.  Done!  I'll do this all day, everyday... well, I'm not very disciplined.  *wry grin*  I will do my best to perform the above actions everyday. 

Just in case, I'll write an e-mail to my oncologist: "Besides medication, are there any other ways to manage the new onset of burning and tingling in my hands and feet?"

"I can write you a prescription for Neurontin.  It'll take 2 weeks to become effective."

Ummmmm...  *deep sigh*  I really don't want more medications.  I _hate_ taking meds.  If I mask the current discomforting nerve signals to my brain, how will I know if my nervous system is getting more damaged or is improving?  I'd rather use these annoying physical cues to my advantage... to remind me to take optimal care of my body.  No pain no gain right?  *wink*

Father God, thank you for giving me a high pain tolerance!  Each step I take, literally take, I am reminded of your goodness. I have hands. I have feet. Even though my body doesn't function quite like I want, what I do have still works... well, my body works well enough.  Gotta take and keep every bit I can right?

Lord, thank you for my mind.  Thank you that part of me thrives on challenges. Thank you for my therapist background that allows me to constantly analyze my situation, my actions, my reactions. Thank you for giving me the stubborn determination to continue pushing ever forward.

Father, today, Aleesha, will come over.  Help me to by-pass the pain and the fatigue so that I can enjoy my time with her.  Our plan is to make wontons, even the wrapper.  Father God, help us make these wrappers thin so the wontons won't be tough or doughy or thick.  Everywhere I look online, I either see gluten-free wonton wrapper recipes with an egg to bind the mix together or vegan wonton wrapper recipes using normal flour so the gluten performs the binding. Today, Father God, help us successfully create a gluten-free and vegan wonton wrapper that is super thin and tasty!  Give me wisdom, patience and the correct touch to make these wontons!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Okay!  Let's start!

Ummmmm... Binders to replace the gluten are products like applesauce -too runny... Oil - how in the world is that supposed to hold the dough mixture together?... Flaxseed meal in water -cold water in most recipes makes this mixture slowly congeal, but sometimes, the mixture is too wet.  Then how about flaxseed meal in hot water?  Maybe this mix will be more solid?  Wow... flaxseed meal in hot water congeals fast!  Kinda looks gross though.  *shrug*

Hmmmm... If time is needed for the flaxseed-in-water mixture to congeal... Does that mean everytime I break these bonds with mixing, I'll have to let time pass so the sticky bonds can reconnect?  Theoretically sounds right I think... So long as the binding or thickening reaction is not a one-time deal. *fingers crossed*  This better work!  I refuse to give in and use an egg.  Absolutely refuse!

Next, I bought some gluten-free all-purpose flour online from www.Julesglutenfree.com.  I want to try the commercially sold premixed flours first.  My goal is to get an idea of the potential of gluten-free "flour" mixes before attempting the thousand-and-one options available on the internet to mix my own.  The benefits of this flour by Jules?  It contains all the flours and starches I can easily get near my home while including xanthum gum, a binder which also allows mixing of different materials like oil and water.

Cool... Let's mix the wrapper dough first, then let the dough mixture sit and bind while we flavor the meat filling!

Oh Lord, thank you that I was able to by-pass the constant pain and have fun! Aleesha and I successfully made gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers!  With that single mixture, we made: chicken wontons, chicken potstickers, green onion pancakes and cranberry pancakes!  Yay!!! One type of dough for all 4 products.  How cool is that?!?

Thank you, thank you, Lord, that you provided the knowledge to handle this dough mixture.  As the dough started to dry out (even covered by plastic wrap), the drying starch started squeaking while we rolled it!  The dry dough, which looked fine, actually squeaks!  Wow... thank you for the noisy signal to mix more water into the dough and the wisdom to let it re-rest and bind.  Thank you, Lord God, for a very usable, multi-purpose, dough mixture!

Father God, thank you that I am still able to have so much fun in the midst of constantly changing physical dysfunctions. Thank you for always giving me fun things to look forward to and people to spend time with.  Thank you, Lord God, for giving me hope.  For giving me yummy food to eat.  For giving me time to rest.

Father, each week, I feel more and more tired.  Sitting isn't so bad, but standing... Lord, I feel drained so quickly.  As each day passes, am I getting weaker because of the chemotherapy still in my system?  Or am I getting weak from laying around and "resting" so frequently?  It's funny... I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time.  Father, my muscle mass is building up, but the duration I can use my muscles is getting exponentially shorter... It's like my energy capacity is shrinking... Almost as if the more muscles I have, the quicker I burn through my limited energy resources.

Lord God, please give me patience with myself.  Help me to not get frustrated with my limited mobility.  Help me to not get depressed as my fingers go numb and my thoughts become unclear.  Lord, give me strength of heart and courage to keep picking out the positive aspects of my life. Help me to live my fullest with smiles, laughter, joy and peace that comes only by following you and seeing you in action.

May all the glory and praise go to you, Lord.  Thank you for always providing abundant blessings.  Thank you for all the wonderful support I have in my life. In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.

Aleesha slaving away at making wontons!  =D

Gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers... look how thin we got them!  =O

Look at what Aleesha and I made!  Hurray!

Dinner: chicken wontons in vegetable broth, potstickers and pineapple chicken fried rice. *drool* (we already finished eating all the green onion and cranberry pancakes!)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! 

May you and your family be blessed with good memories, intentional conversations, laughter and abundant smiles this year and next.  Thanks for reading!  *hugs* --Kristy

Gluten-free Vegan Snickerdoodle Cookies

Friday, December 12, 2013

When I think about baking, my first thoughts turn to cookies.  Warm, soft cookies!  *drool* 

What better basic cookie than Snickerdoodles for the festive Christmas Season?  I know, I know... better to start with something more basic to get a good understanding of how ingredients work right?  Bleah... that's too boring and too slow.  *smirk*  I'll learn from my mistakes quicker... and hopefully still be able to pinpoint what ingredients need changing.  =D 

Flipping through multiple online sites, I scribble one Snickerdoodle recipe on the back of a random paper.  Hmmmm... but this recipe uses eggs and doesn't look soft enough... I like soft cookies!  But wait!  Kristy never sticks to the basic recipe because I find that usually they're too sweet, too dry, something is not to my liking.  Plus, understanding the basics of what makes a cookie, in this case, gluten-free and vegan, I will hopefully gain a better understanding of the materials I'm using... or so I say.  In reality, I'm just impatient and stubborn.  *wide grin*  I want the cookies _my_ way. 

Let's see... More recipes.  Some normal, some gluten-free, most aren't dairy-free and egg-free.  Alright, now time to combine!

This is what I decided to try:

2 cups blanched almond flour (just bought some through the mail)
(should have added 2-4 Tablespoons of sugar?)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Dash of nutmeg

1/4 cup coconut oil (can use any variety of butter or shortening, will try vegan butter next time)
2 Tablespoon maple syrup (honey or molasses okay)
1 Tablespoon flaxseed in 2 Tablespoons of warm water (can use applesauce or 1 egg)

Cookie coating: 1 Tablespoon cinnamon mixed with 1/2 cup sugar (probably decrease the cinnamon and add some nutmeg?)

Okay!  First easy step... mix all the dry ingredients together.  Done!  That was the no-brainer part.  Ummmm, the coconut oil is solid at room temp.  I can't remember if it's okay to melt...  or does it need to stay solid?  I know in pastries and pie crusts, the oil product is solid for flakiness, but cookies need to be soft, not flaky right?  I can't remember!!!  Drat... but considering the optional substitutes, shortening and butter... all solid products... I should probably keep the coconut oil solid too. *deep sigh*  That's a LOT more work. I'll just leave the coconut oil for last.

Let's see... the flaxseed in water mix is coagulating nicely as a thickening agent.  Ah, I'll just dump the maple syrup in here.  Mix.  Mix.  Stir.  Stir.  Dump into the flour mix.

Now I'll deal with the coconut oil.  Using a handy butter knife, I hack and chip at the solid coconut oil in the jar.  Little bit by little bit, I chisel the solid hunk of oil, eye-balling the amount in my bowl.  Hmmmmm, that looks about 1/2 cup, actually if packed, a little less.  Oops, I was supposed to put 1/4 cup of the coconut oil?  *shrug*  What's done is done.  It's not like I can put the oil back into the jar.

Mixing with a hand-held mixer, looks like everything's coming together... everything except the lumps of coconut oil!  I'll still go with the concept that the the oil shouldn't be melted.  So fork and knife it is!  The fork to squish and break and mix the coconut oil into smaller particles.  The knife to cut and scrape.

Am I there yet?  Oh wait, there's a note to put the mix in the fridge before I shape it.  Fine.  Casually, not bothering to cover my crumbly mix, into the fridge it goes.

30 minutes later:

Alright, I already mixed the cinnamon and sugar.  Why do I need a bowl of water?  I wrote a note to dip my cookie dough into the water and _then_ into the cinnamon/sugar mix.  Why bother with that extra step?  Puzzled, I get the water anyways.  All the normal Snickerdoodles I've made never needed any water.  It's always been a simple shape into a ball, roll into the cinnamon/sugar mix, place onto the cookie pan, squash and bake!

Cookie dough here I come!  Out of the fridge... well, everything still looks the same.  Using my hands, I start kneading the mixture.  Attempting to do my usual dough kneading, I find myself crumbling the mixture instead. Ahhhhh... the dreaded non-gluten and no egg formula.  There's no gluten nor egg to really hold the mix together.  Gather.  Pat.  Shape.  Carefully, I press the mixture into one cohesive lump.  Each time I press too hard, the "dough" crumbles in my hands.

Pinching off enough to make a cookie, I pat and shape the mixture into a ball.  Toss.  I dump the mixture into the cinnamon/sugar bowl for a nice yummy coating.  Or at least, that's what was supposed to happen.  Instead, a third of my cookie chips off and nothing really sticks to the cookie dough. Ahhhhh, guess that's what the water's for.  Shoulders drooping at the thought of an extra step, I regather my broken cookie, shape it into a ball... but wait, if I squish the cookie ball on the cookie sheet... won't it crumble?  Attempting just that, I watch the cookie break and crumble.  Bleah, that doesn't look any good at all.  Why not just shape the cookie in my hands?

Once again, I gather the cookie mixture in my hands.  Roll.  Press.  Shape.  Reform so there are no cracks.  Tada!  Nice flat circular cookie in it's final ready-to-eat format.  Dunk in water.  Flip.  Dunk.  Toss into the cinnamon/sugar mix.  Filp again.  Hmmmm... not enough sugar... mostly cinnamon sticking to my cookie.  Ummmmm... there!  I'll sprinkle some cinnamon/sugar mix onto the baking sheet first, lay my coated cookies on the sheet, then pour the rest of my cinnamon/sugar mixture over everything.  *smirk*  Sounds good right?  *drool*

Bake with the oven preheated to 350F.  Hmmmm, I wrote 12 minutes on my paper.  However, I know I'm never satisfied with the baking time... okay, let's put the cookies in for 15 minutes!

15 minutes later, I stick a chopstick into one cookie.  Is it done?  Ummmm, the mixture by itself is crumbly and not sticky so I can't tell.  Leaving the oven door open, I let the cookies cool for 10 minutes.  Tentatively, I grab the edge of the closest cookie.  Instant crumblage!  Well, this makes it kinda hard to eat.  Oh yeah, this is what people mean by no gluten!  *sigh*  According to the research I've done online, I've gotta let the cookie cool down even more for a cohesive single cookie unit.  Bleah... this process takes soooo much more time and care than the regular Snickerdoodle with gluten.  Well, this better be worth it!

Future trial:  add sugar to the cookie mix for more sweetness.  Use less coconut oil or use butter (vegan butter in my case) for a better flavor?  Maybe applesause for more moisture?  But will it make the cookie too dense?

Lord God, baking is so fun!  I don't have a good grasp of the materials I'm using, but at the same time, I'm learning a LOT.  Cooking... or rather baking... gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free is a huge challenge, but thank you for all the information on the internet.  Thank you for the fun I get to have in mixing new concoctions.  =D  Lord, you've created so many different ingredients... each with their own flavor, own use and purpose.  Wow.  I thank you, Lord, for the time and this opportunity to really dig in to a whole new world of baking.  Thank you that so far, most of the cooking I've done results in edible and at least decent mixes.  So far, the only item I trashed was when attempting to make green onion pancake with the almond flour and water mix... gross!

Father, I ask for continued wisdom as I delve into this new world of baking (and cooking) without gluten, milk-products and eggs.  Give me a positive attitude, a heart to keep experimenting and yummy food to eat.  Help me also make yummy soft cookies!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Here are some pictures.

This is my "dough"... so easy to crumble!

Already baked and still hot... see how it breaks?  I made the snickerdoodle cookies all different sizes and thicknesses to test my future preference and baking time needs.  Didn't seem to make a huge difference.  *shrug*

 Another day of cooking with friends:

Carol and Christine using plastic wrap on the table so the dough doesn't stick.  Soooo much easier to clean.

Look... green onion pancakes that don't puddle!

Gluten-free Cooking

Thursday, November 21, 2012

The more I'm told I can't eat something, the more I want it!

As each week passes, I'm getting more and more sensitive to the smallest amount of gluten present in my foods.  Booooooo.  This sucks... but cramping up and feeling like my abdomen is the remnants of a punching bag is so much worse!  No more soft stretchy bread.  No more regular soy sauce.  No more easy fast food.  No more  walking by a plate of snacks and stuffing it in my mouth.  No more wontons, potstickers and green onion pancakes!

I refuse!  I absolutely refuse to limit myself.  Not like my food choices are the most healthy, but I LIKE eating them.  *wide grin*

First step, learn what gluten-free cooking is like.  I need to use the basic gluten-free ingredients available to understand the groundwork of my new diet... then springboard out from there and modify my cooking techniques to match.  Sounds good right?

Yeah... like I'm that patient.

Forget the simple cooking with spices, veggies and meat.  I want potstickers and green onion pancakes!  The classic Chinese foods that I grew up making and eating.  Today, with the help of my sister, mom and dad, we'll embark on this new adventure together!

Okay.  Basic of the basics, store-bought gluten-free flour... no self-mixing, not yet.  Pouring the entire package into a metal bowl, I stare at the contents. Growing up, my family and I have _always_ made huge patches of everything. Planning for left-overs to eat later is our standard.  However, this little portion of flour, barely even two cups, sat in all its expensive splendor, looking even smaller for sitting in a large bowl.  Ah well, next and only ingredient my family uses with the flour.... warm water.  Why warm water you ask?  The partially "cooked" dough works great with the green onion pancakes so the middle is never undercooked.

Warm water, warm water... in it goes!  Pour a little water, mix to combine with the flour.  Add a little more water and stir until the entire mixture is even and just barely wet so that no dry flour is visible.  Nice!  This looks like normal dough... what was I worrying about?  Reading all the information online, I expected the gluten-free dough mixture to have issues.  What issues?

Scooping out a handful, I plop my dough onto the pre-floured table.  Rolling pin ready?  Squish!  Roll.... ummmm.... roll?  The mixture isn't rolling!  In fact, I stare in horror as the mixture sticks to everything it touches!  Within half a minute, my dough goes from a round ball to a sleek-looking and shiny... puddle.  There's no other way to describe it.  My mixture is puddling right in front of my eyes!

Forget my dream of potstickers... this stuff's not going to keep it's shape at all!  I know this flour is based primarily on brown rice flour... but I didn't expect the results to look just like when I play with glutinous rice flour to make mochi.  =S

I'm sad, but I'm stubborn too!  I've already got a whole bowl of thinly chopped green onions... there's no way I'm wasting food!  So fine, if a rolling pin doesn't work, I'll use a butter knife!  Calmly, quietly, stubbornly, I use my butter knife to spread, chop, push the amorphorous mixture into the largest, thinnest, single-piece of dough I could create.

Besides me, my mom rolls her dough in the palm of her hands.  She stops. Drip.  Drip.  Drip.  The mixture dribbles through her fingers and plop, lands on the table.  In bemusement, I watch as my mom scoops up her ball of dough and repeats the process with the exact same results.

"Hey Mom... are you going to try and roll your dough out?"

"This dough won't roll.  It's already too wet so I won't add the oil.  Why don't we just mix in the green onions and salt?"

"But Mom, it won't be the same!  The purpose of rolling the dough out so flat and thin is to add oil and create multiple layers!"

"There's no way you can add oil.  This thing won't roll.  You can't make the layers."

"Okay... how about this... you try your way and I try the traditional way you taught me.  Let see what works and how things taste.  Sound good?"

Glancing to my left, I watch my mom scoop a pinch of salt and some green onions.  Dough dribbling left and right, she mashes the whole mixture together.  Rolling it into a ball, she places her finished product on the side, ready to cook.  Oops... her mix is visibly flattening and the edges are running!

"Dad!  We need your help!  Mom's green onion pancake is running away!  Can you pour some oil, heat up the pan and fry this thing?!?"

Grimacing at my dough, I watch it sitting in a puddle in front of me.  Where'd my ball of dough disappear to?  Large.  Shiny.  Watery.  Goodness... is it even possible to make green onion pancakes?  My idea for potstickers is already out the window.  *shrug*  I'll MAKE this work!  Pouring oil onto my wet-looking dough, I smear it over the whole surface.  Well, this oil layer is _supposed to_ create layers... ummmmm, this looks like a mess.  Well, not just a mess... this looks very, very wrong.  Stubbornly, I keep going.  I sprinkle an even layer of salt over the oil.  Next, spread a generous portion of green onions over the entire surface.  Oops, gotta fill the edges too!

Quickly, I attempt to pick-up a corner of my dough to start the rolling process.  No luck.  This whole thing is literally a soft puddle!  What to do?  A plastic scrapper would be more efficient, I don't have one.  Butter knife to the rescue!

Holding my breath, I scoop one end of my doughy mess and fold a centimeter of one straight edge back on itself.  Standing back, I watch it start melting in on itself.  Ugh... gotta hurry!  Scrape.  Fold.  Scrape.  Fold.  Forget rolling this dough into a log or a snake-shape... I'm doing my best to keep this whole thing together so it doesn't puddle in on itself!  Fast.  Faster.  Scrape.  Fold. Scrape.  Fold.  Done!  I've got the long snake-shape!  Quickly, I grab one end and start rolling.  This step looks like I'm making a large snail.  Success!

I lift my coiled dough mixture high overhead.  I did it!  Ugh.  Oil is dripping between my fingers.  Looking at my nicely coiled snail... well, it's not that anymore.  My green onion pancake is dribbling oil and looks nothing like it should.  In fact, my whole mixture looks like it's melting!  Are the layers even there?  I can't tell.  The mixture in my hand looks like a wet mess of dough with oil and green onions trying their best to escape.  This whole mixture isn't even cohesive enough to maintain any shape!

"Dad... is the pan ready?  Is the oil hot enough?"

"Give me a little longer... it's almost hot enough to cook"

A while longer huh?  My mixture now _is_ a puddle... there's no way I can even finish the last roll into the proper 3/4 centimeter, supposedly round, classic green onion pancake shape.  Instead, as soon as the pan's ready, I intend to dump my mixture into the pan and let it puddle itself into the proper thickness.

Amazing.  Thank you, God, that today, we were able to at least have one semi-successful Chinese food type item!  Lord, the potsticker filling... well, that's now in the freezer for another day.  The green onion pancake... yikes, Lord God, when you created gluten, you created an awesome product that cannot be imitated by anything else!  The green onion pancakes, although very difficult to make, still tasted wonderful!  I little crunchier on the outside and fewer layers on the inside, but still pretty good!

Sorry Mom... the single piece version just doesn't taste the same without the layering effect.  =D

Father God, thank you for my wise sister, Jessica.  Not only did she teach me how to use spaghetti squash as noodles, she made a super yummy meat-filled spaghetti sauce that saved us from eating only carbohydrates for lunch!

Lord, thank you for a wonderful, fully supportive family!  Thank you for today, filled with laughter, time to experiment with a very different product and most of all, thank you for blessing me and my family with new ideas in how to cook!

Father, I know when I first realized my sensitivity to gluten, dairy, egg, alcohol, some fruits... and who knows what else... I remember being shocked. Numb.  I felt totally defeated and hopeless.  But Lord, you are so good to me. Beyond the basics of veggies, meat and spices... you provided friends at church we showed me that gluten-free soy sauce exists.  You provided multiple friends who also have gluten sensitivities and they helped guide me through this landmines of a gluten-free, veganish, but still meat-eating, world.

In Jesus' name I thank you, Father God, for ideas, for so much support, for this time to learn a new lifestyle... thank you so much for hope and good food!


Monday, November 25, 2013

Did I say that I'm stubborn?  I want to make those potstickers and try a gluten-free dough that can be rolled!

This is the mix:  2-1/2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons of xanthum gum, pinch of salt, 2 eggs and water as needed to create the dough... this time, we mixed as dry as possible.

Father God, wow... what wonders the xanthum gum and the egg does in binding this dough.  Thank you, Lord, for these options.  I know I'm a little sensitive to eggs, but just a little this time okay?  I really wanted to see what would happen!  Father, even though everything rolled out nicely... the results were a little dry.  But that's not the point... it is possible to make potstickers and create proper layers in a green onion pancake!  I'm sure with more refinement and practice, I'll eventually be able to make both these dishes to be very close to the original.  I'm very excited!

Lord, thank you for friends and family who are willing to be adventurous with me... to venture into the unknown and base their meals on a potentially unsuccessful cooking experiment!  Thank you, Father God, for the laughter, the fun, the challenge of living this new dietary lifestyle.  Thank you, Lord, for providing so much gluten-free products so that I can fully stock my kitchen at a very reasonable price!  Thank you for books and online access to many tips and recipes so I can learn techniques in this new style of cooking.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Next step: gluten-free vegan dough!  I plan to make green onion pancakes and potstickers using gluten-free flour (brown rice, potato starch and tapioca starch pre-mix)... maybe 2 cups, 1-2 teaspoons xanthum gum, 2 eggs substituted by 2 tablespoon flaxseed meal/flour in 6 tablespoons of cool water (let sit for 2 minutes to thicken), maybe some applesauce for additional moisture and warm water as needed.

Think this'll work?  Conceptually, this recipe should be more malleable compared to my first attempt and more moist compared to my second attempt.  =D

Jessica, me, Dad, Mom

This is the gluten-free flour and water mix.

See how runny this dough mix is?

These are the green onion pancakes

Thanks Jo Ann and Andy for helping me experiment!!!

Gluten-free flour mixture with egg... see how it has shape but still cracks?  I miss gluten.

A little tough and dry, but still potstickers!  See the different shapes?  Anything to minimize the cracking potsticker skin!