Gluten Video Challenge III

I hope this is the last time I purposefully ingest gluten.  This week isn't as bad as the week before, but it's definitely not something I can label as "fun."

My acupuncturist wants me to hold off on gluten now to get a better assessment of my body.  Yay.  Praise God no more gluten for this upcoming week!  I am soooooooo thankful.  Instead, I get to boil herbs for a Chinese medicine drink twice a day.  *shudder*  At least, this time isn't as bitter.

Thank you, Father God, that even though my tumors are still present, eating still leads to pain... that in the midst of all the struggles and the unknown, you continue to provide.  Thank you for times with no pain.  Thank you for distracting activities.  Thank you for wonderful family and friends who keep me occupied.  Lord, you provide so abundantly that I truly lack nothing.  Thank you for providing Noel by my side to soothe me, cater to my whims, serve me food while I flop in bed.  Lord, you are good.  In you, I am satisfied.  Thank you for this life I get to live.

In Jesus' name I raise my voice in praise, amen.

Here's my video from Tuesday, September 22, 2015;
(https://youtu.be/xYwq5slgKGY)

Living for my Reward

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Today's the day I find out what options I have.  I'm sitting in the treatment room nervously twiddling my thumbs and swinging my feet as I wait for my cancer doctor.  In walks my physician's assistant holding a small sheaf of papers.  Holding out his right hand, he offers me the printed CT scan results.  

"Kristy, I assume you already read the results?"

"Yup.  I know my cancer is worse and the tumors are significantly larger.  No more Eribulin for my chemotherapy treatment."

"Yes.  As of now, all we have to offer you is either palliative care or application to clinical trials.  First, palliative care is not hospice; it is access to an interdisciplinary team of medical staff who can assist you with relief from the cancer symptoms so that you can maximize your quality of life.  Second, know that since you have tried 7 types of chemotherapy and none have worked, any clinical trial you participate in will likely have less than 5% chance of shrinking your tumors.  Those who choose to receive experimental treatments outside of their geographical area temporarily move to the clinical trial host site.  Are you willing to travel?"

Instantly, my mind flashes me a picture of living elsewhere: no family support, no friends to drop by, can't eat restaurant food, trying to grocery shop and cook while on chemo, stress of an unfamiliar location, additional living costs... the list goes on and on.  The instability of my body makes me scoff at the very idea of trying to travel long distance.  "Nope.  Can't to do it.  There's no way I'm willing or able to travel for clinical trials.  Traveling from Milpitas to Stanford Hospital already pushes my limits when I'm tired.  Living elsewhere, I don't believe I can manage my needs away from home."

The door closes softly as the physician's assistant steps out to speak to my cancer doctor.  I snuggle my head against Noel's neck.  Tears leak from my eyes.  Why am I crying?  The conversation went exactly as I expected.  My options?  Limited.  I furtively inch my right hand under my right cheek in an attempt to wipe away the moisture dripping down my face.  Doesn't work.  Noel's shirt is already damp.  Clenching my teeth, I endeavor to speak in a cheerful tone, "Noel, whatcha think?"  Tilting my chin up, I glance into Noel's eyes.  He's crying too.

Deep breath in... Dang it!  I didn't want to cry.  Now my tears are just coming faster.  Noel wraps his arm around me tight.  I can feel my head getting wet.  I'm sure Noel's shirt is damp too.  Together, we silently comfort each other.

Time passes.  

Shoot, the doctor will come in any moment!  Yanking tissue from the box on the table, I hand Noel some tissue, then stuff the rest against my face.  It's miraculous that not wanting someone else to see me cry can stop my tears just like that.  *sheepish grin* Making my face presentable, I lean my right shoulder heavily into Noel's left shoulder.  My hand creeps in to tightly clasp Noel's hand.  We wait.

My cancer doctor sweeps into the room with the physician's assistant quietly following.  Getting right to the point, my doctor states, "There's a clinical trial you can apply for.  It's a phase I trial combining a chemotherapy drug and another drug targeted to stop blood vessel formation.  I'm hoping that this will shrink your tumors.  Do you want to try it?"

Honestly?  No.  I'm tired of chemotherapy failing and leaving my body weaker.  I'm tired of getting my body broken over and over again while my cancer continues to run rampant.  Since April of 2007, I've gone through 3 abdominal surgeries.  From January 2012, I started my first round of chemotherapy and have failed every single one.  Now in August 2015, all that's left for me in the medical field is the proud opportunity to be a guinea pig through uncharted experimental drugs.  Lovely.

Taking a deep breath, I reply, "Sure, let's do this.  I'll sign the papers today."

Ah, Father God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... help me!  I so don't want to do anymore chemotherapy.  I'm tired of breaking, getting weaker, increasing my dependence on all those around me.  Lord, I honestly don't care if I die.  Death means rest from pain, the dysfunctions of my body, and I believe that I'll get to be with you.  There's nothing wrong with that right?

Yeah, I know it's not yet time to leave this earth or else I'd already be gone.  *wide grin*  I'm not waiting to die.  I refuse to sit back and let my life, however long or short, slip by.  But I'm tired.  Cancer may limit my activities, my abilities, my energy; but Lord, don't let hopelessness or despair ever crush my spirt.

This is my battle cry.  This is my declaration of intent to fight.

I will fight with every fiber of my being to live and live well.  But what does it mean to live?  For me, living is not just an existence where I eat, breathe, sleep, play.  No.  Living requires purpose, a goal, direction.

Lord God, I made serving you, loving you, emulating you as my first priority in this life.  Because this life is yours, I am willing to walk through any path you call me to live so that in this life, you are truly Lord.  I will continue to trust you with the journey of my medical care.  My acupuncturist believes that this body you've given me is strong.  He says not to do chemotherapy because the poisons weaken my body and allow the cancer cells to replicate faster.  I believe him; I see my tumors rapidly increase in size the weaker my body gets.  Lord, I continue to choose any chemotherapy experiment that comes my way knowing that if you don't call me to walk that path, one way or another, you will cancel or invalidate my application. 

I surrender to your will so that you alone will shine as first in all choices.  I will live until you choose to call me to rest.  I will not surrender to my own wants, but will struggle and fight because you are my everything.  Lord, you are the love of my life. In you, I have complete trust in your goodness.  I blindly follow whatever path you call me to walk so that I can personally know you more.  You are my Father in heaven who hurts when I hurt, loves me unconditionally, shapes me so that I can grow ever closer to you... I will not waste this life to satisfy my own desires unless I can match it to yours.  Help me, Lord, live this life so completely for you that all the pain and affliction means nothing compared to being with you... For, God, you are my reward in this life and the next.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Praise God!  My application to the chemotherapy experiment is canceled due to the drug containing gluten and alcohol which gives me severe allergic reactions.  Yay!!!  Until my doctor can find another experimental drug appropriate for my type of cancer, I am free to get stronger, to recover from years of infusing poison into my system, and wait to see what God chooses to do with my fast-growing tumors.

God, please stabilize my body and heal me like no one else can.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Saw this octopus tree with a knitted body in San Mateo:

Learning to Listen

Thursday, August 6, 2015

"I'm sorry."

"God forgives you."

"Will you forgive me?"

"What you said really hurt; but God forgives you."

"But will you forgive me?"

Silence.  "Fine."

Argh!  Not quite the response I'm looking for, but that just means I must have said something very hurtful.  What is it?  I'm not sure.  I'm apologizing because I can see that I really hurt Noel... but how?  What did I say and what did he hear?

God, beats me what I did wrong, but I did something.  Give me wisdom when the time is right to completely resolve this situation so that it doesn't happen again.  Give me ears to listen and a heart to understand.  Give Noel and I a time to really talk to each other; openly, honestly, and without hurting each other. 

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Sunday, August, 9, 2015

"Noel, can I ask you about the night you got grumpy?  I know I apologized, but I want to understand what you were feeling and thinking so that I don't make the same mistake again."

"Huh?  I don't remember.  What night?  When did I get grumpy?"

If he can't remember, is it a big deal?  *deep sigh* 

I don't want to make the same mistakes over again so I need to know more.  What really happened?  I can't run away now.  I need to face my failures head-on.  I want to minimize future hurt for both of us. 

Deep breath in.  Pause.  Letting the air seep from between my lips, I prepare myself.  Even if I look stupid or sound dumb, I need to learn more about the communication between Noel and I. I hate doing stuff like this.

"A couple nights ago, you were complaining about dealing with traffic every day, hating the long drives.  You were talking about how work is very stressful in combination with my chemo treatments and feeling very frustrated.  Then I said something about God placing you in your current job and the location he's called you to serve in... I can't quite remember either, but something I said made you feel bad.  I remember feeling bad that you are so stressed and I couldn't help.  From my end, I was trying to comfort you by speaking of God's purpose for you and the hardships he's called you to... that he grows you because he loves you.  On your end, what did you hear?  What part of my words were you reacting to?  How did you feel?"

"Oh, I remember now.  I needed to vent.  Instead, your reply made me feel that the job I'm doing is not doing enough.  That I'm not working hard enough.  That my effort isn't appreciated.  I just want you to listen."

Father God, thank you for providing a resolution in how to deal with a similar issue in the future.  Thank you for a deeper understanding into how Noel thinks.  Thank you for creating a time I can really listen to Noel share about his thoughts and struggles; I really enjoyed tonight's talk.  Thank you for keeping my mouth shut to listen and stopping me from interjecting my thoughts, comments, or any advice.

Lord, I will continue to pray for my husband's well-being.  I ask that you bless Noel with patience and calm as he drives through traffic with increasingly inattentive drivers.  I ask for your provision in wherever you call Noel to work.  Give him wisdom to prioritize, a heart to love on his co-workers, focus, flexibility, energy to face long hours, and unshakable faith that he is exactly where you call him to be.  Open his eyes so he can see the path you're walking him through.  Keep his eyes fixed on you so that you will shine.  Provide so that Noel knows he is not working by his own power but by yours.

God, give me the heart to just listen when my husband needs to vent.  Give me the wisdom when to stay quite and the right words when you want me to speak up.  Father, I submit my heart to you.  Lighten Noel's burden as I cannot.  I want to carry some of my husband's load, but instead, me and my body are a burden.  If I can't speak words to help and to heal, I can pray.  So Lord, be the support my husband needs.  Give him the strength, courage, faith to keep moving forward.  Give me the right attitude, heart, eyes and ears to be what able to accomplish what you've called me to do.  Give me the ability to serve and show my respect to my husband for all that he does.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.    

God blessed me by strengthening my body enough that I was able to enjoy the 2015 Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit!  Thank you God for using the classes to give me the wisdom and courage needed to speak up and work things out with Noel.  Here I am enjoying the sun and cool breeze after my last day:

Shaped Under Fire

What date should I set to start chemotherapy?  When's the latest I can delay the tests?  May? June?  Forever?

I'm scared. 

I don't know what I'll lose this round… maybe nothing, maybe everything. In chemotherapy, there are no guarantees except that foreign chemicals are placed into the body… and this time, it’s for a clinical trial. 

There are so many things I still want to do!  I want to participate in my friends’ wedding with no issues.  I want to play in a paintball tournament again.  I want to rockclimb.  I want to hang out with friends without limitations.  I want to host a paintball event.  I want the strength to finish projects!

*Deep sigh*

Stop!  

The purpose of my life isn't in my activities or my capabilities.  I thought I already made the decision to trust in God's provision?  To live the life he’s calling me to live so that his presence will shine… to do this, I can’t do things my way.  My wanting to delay chemotherapy may be the safer and more secure route, but living for God isn’t safe.  Where’s my faith and my trust in him unless I let him lead?

Knowing God, if he wants me to do paintball, participate in a wedding, work, rockclimb… I’ll be able to do it all; chemotherapy or no chemotherapy has absolutely no say in my future.

Lord Jesus, help me completely trust in you, your power, your abilities, your timing, your love for me.  Take away the hesitation that says I don't trust you.  Take away my fear because you are greater than all your creations combined.  Give me strength to do your will and not my own.  Focus my sights on the eternal future and not the temporal. 

Father God, as I once again place my life, my future treatments, my hopes and dreams into your hands... Show me that you are greater than everything and anything!  Set the test dates, doctor appts, schedules, chemotherapy, work... All these, Lord Jesus, I let go and place into your competent hands. 

Thank you, In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

After I let go of insisting on doing things my way, all the pre-chemotherapy test dates fall easily into place; one after the other… no arguing, switching dates around, pushing to get the tests done closer together… it’s all set.  *Laughter *  Go figure… when I let God work, he does it all so easily.  There’s no way I can schedule all the tests, appointments, meetings, timing of every as well as it is now set. 

*shrug * Chemotherapy to start on May 13, 2015. 

I’m ready... I think.  *wide grin * I love a good challenge!

I’m excited to see how God will show himself.  I look forward to the physical and spiritual battles ahead knowing that the war is already won.  When I focus my eyes on my relationship with God, I am more than satisfied with this life, I love it!  Health, money, time, hobbies… none of these can replace the walk I have in Christ, the safety I have in his presence, the peace I have in his unbroken promises. 

My heart pounds with the unknown future, but I can joyfully state that I know God is in complete control; whatever happens or doesn’t happen, I get to see my amazing God in action, to personally experience his power, to undeniably feel his love.  What better life than to know the God of creation’s got my back?

See you all next time!

Love,

Kristy

Picture of my newest creation under hot flames and still not hot enough!  Eventually, I had to block the opening and use two torches... just barely got the metal hot enough to solder the silver.  =D

Second Chances

"I've got a story to share!  I screwed up but God used it to spur me on in another situation the very next day.  God is truly amazing!  I'm so excited but I'm not sure who I can share this story with."

"So why don't you write the story on your blog?"

Huh?  What?  "Ummm, It's because the thought process is so Christiany and most people wouldn't be interested right?"

"You'll share this story with me... isn't that the kind of stuff you usually write about in your blog?  Your stories?"

"Oh yeah."  *sheepish grin*  I've not written a blog post that actually hit close to my heart for a while (another excuse for not posting what I have already written and saved on the side).

Somehow, publicly sharing about myself, my thoughts, my heart... it's never easy.  I feel vulnerable.   I feel scared.  *shiver*  Being authentically open is not comfortable; however, if I want my friends to know me, really know me, then I need to share what moves me, the driving force behind my choices, my thoughts, and my actions... and for me, the center of my life is Jesus Christ. 

The primary thing that gives me the resolve to write about my personal life is that God is so amazing, so real to me, so loving!  I'm so excited about what I see and what I experience that I want my friends to have a glimpse of how I think and who I really am.  The Kristy you know is tightly woven with my relationship in and with Jesus Christ.  My God is a huge part of my identity, without him by my side, I would not be the person you now know.

So here is what I hesitated, until now, to write:

"Hey Kristy, how do you manage to stay so positive with all the surgeries and chemotherapy treatments?"

"Well... I'm able to be joyful even when times are tough because I have great support through my husband, Noel, my family, my friends and my community."

Uhhhhh.... what?!?  What kind of answer is this?

Sure what I said is true, but I also completely missed the mark of why I am so content with my life, my body, and the physical hardships with cancer.  What I really want to say is "Because I know I am so loved by God, my entire attitude is based on the fact that God's got my back."

My mouth would not open.  I couldn't speak my heart.  Why?  Of all times, I got cold feet.  Fear of being judged, scared of being ignored, I could not express the one main source of light in my life... that God's personal presence in my life _is_ my key, my strength, my hope... he is my everything.

I've seen God come through impossible situations, make money where there should be none, give me strength when I could only crawl, provide to my needs without ever being asked, give me hope when life appeared hopeless... and above it all, in Christ, I have a purpose even as I lost all ability to be who I thought I was... a racer, a paintballer, a rockclimber and a physical therapist.  My identity is not in my abilities, my capabilities, my physical strength, my possessions... my identity is solidly as a child of Christ... this is my hope, my light and my reason in this life and for this life.

The greatest part of who I am and why I am the way I am comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ... and for the life of me, I could not say it.  My very heart, I hid myself  in empty words.

This blog is my second chance.  My opportunity to clearly express myself.

Now I need to practice my blogging muscles again so this one is going to stay short.

Thank you all for reading!  And a big thanks to Tracey for encouraging me to honestly share my thoughts through this blog post... I needed the extra kick.  *big hugs*

--Kristy  (^o^)/

Tiny plum blossoms, drifting under a car while leaving church.  Such small and delicate flowers, God created in beautiful detail... over and over again, I'm amazed at his creations.

Me: Kristy

“No, it was your fault.” 

*shock*  Did I just say that?  “Sorry, Noel.  That wasn’t true.”

“You’re tired.  Lie down.”

Obediently, I lie down, close my eyes, and review the last couple of minutes.  What happened?  First I was happily reporting the fact that I finished my taxes for my jewelry business.  During the report, I reflected on how terminology can totally affect the outcome of what numbers go where.  Next thing I realize, I’m blaming Noel for wording something a certain way so that entering numbers on our upcoming tax return would result in paying more taxes. 

Fact #1, that last statement is totally untrue.  Fact #2, Money that belongs to the government should go to the government.  Fact #3, God’s always provided enough money in all situations… so why try to be stingy now?

*deep sigh* 

My heart just isn’t in the right place.  I don’t like this part of me! 

As I look at myself, I see a lot of dirt:  rough edges, self-righteousness, pride, self-entitlement, hatred, irritation, greed, enslavement to situations or activities… so much negative stuff.  The harder I look at myself, the more filth I see.  I really hate this selfish, money-grubbing, finger-pointing part of myself.  By myself and inside myself, I’m not a “good person” at all. 

In John 15: 4-5, Jesus says:

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

So… What kind of life results do I truly want? 

I want to be better than I am.  I want more than this internal filth that permeates my thoughts, my actions, my heart.  In my life, I only feel completely safe, completely clean, completely whole when I dwell in the presence of God.  I want more of the goodness, the sweetness, the joyful peace that I can only find when I “abide” in Jesus Christ.  I want Jesus as my role model, my end goal, the guide to my heart, my words, and my soul because I know he is better than anything I can attain by my own power.

As Jesus states, I can only be like him if I stick to him.  I want to walk so closely with Jesus and match my heart with his heart so that all my dirtiness washes away.  My soul is already cleansed through Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross… but I continue to roll myself in mud and run to God once I realize that I’m dirty.  *wry grin*  I feel like a little kid who runs off to have fun, only to be grossed out by how dirty I got and so run back crying to my parent for warmth, security, soothing comfort and cleaning. 

To avoid straying onto my own path is impossible, but when I truly seek God, nothing is impossible for God… even the change of my heart and my attitude.  That’s what I want…  I want the impossible!  I want to be satisfied with what I have.  I want to focus on real issues and not get side-tracked by every little thing that pops into my head.  I want to take joy regardless of what this world throws at me.  I want to share the love that I’ve already received.  I want to be at peace even in the most stressful of situations because I know that God is in complete control. 

Lord, you’ve always provided: money, time, ways to deal with tough situations, strength… on and on and on.  What really do I have to worry about when I’ve got you by my side? 

Lord Jesus, I thank you for saving me from myself.  Thank you that you first loved me so that I can learn to love like you.  Thank you for calling me on my faults so that I can grow past them.  Thank you for never just leaving me alone to live by my own set of rights and wrongs.  Thank you for being a living example of what it means to follow God’s command.  Thank you for taking my burdens when I can’t carry any more.

Because of Jesus, I am saved, my wrongs already forgiven.  Continue to change my heart to see you, to know you, to abide in you.  I don’t like myself much when I stray from your side, so please keep me close.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel taking me home after our friend's wedding ceremony:

Trusting without Boundaries

Flip, I casually flick another page in our scheduling book.  Eyes roaming, I double check to see who’s off and who’s working the weekend.  As my eyes scan the page, I freeze.  That’s my name!  What?  I don’t remember being notified about working on a Sunday in October.  What went wrong?  I thought I didn’t have my next weekend workday until November!

Rushing to my desk, I quickly type in my password to unlock the computer.  Clicking my work email, I open up the email with a list of my given weekends I acquired after a co-worker left.  Nope, no October weekend.

Heart thumping, I select the shortcut folder for work’s weekend and vacation schedule.   Tapping my cursor over “October,” I rapidly scroll down looking for October 12th.  Yup, right there, that’s my name.  Guess who ever made the initial email request missed noting down this one month.  Yikes, what if I didn't show up to work?!?!!!  *shudder*

Can I do it?  Will I be able to work a Sunday in the burn unit with no occupational therapist back-up?  Questions, concerns, worries... one issue after another pile up in my head.  Burdened and cornered, I decide to pray.

Father God, Creator of the universe… Help!  A huge part of me worries about my strength and endurance in being able to perform heavy transfers, lift weighty limbs, or even to have the physical stability to complete the entire treatment.  Father, I acknowledge that you are all-powerful, that you have complete control, that you know my capabilities and your provisions, that my life and my schedule can be fully guided by you.  Lord, no one will want to take this Sunday, it’s smack in the middle of a three-day weekend with Monday being a holiday off.  Plus, even if someone is willing to take this day, I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured.  *sigh* 

Lord of my life, I give this issue into your capable hands.  Either give me the energy, strength and endurance to make it through Sunday… or give me the help somehow and someway so that I can continue to honor you as I work on whatever day is given me.  Lord, I leave my worries at your feet.  Help me to lean on you... trusting that no matter what happens, you will be there to catch me and to provide for me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Okay Kristy… now I just have to chill and see where God ends up taking me.  *deep breath*  Don’t be anxious.  Don’t worry.  Instead, remember, to this point in my life, God has shown himself and provided over and over and over in more ways that I can even count!  So why not also in this situation?  I will choose to trust God to handle what I cannot control because I believe he is truly and fully in control of my life (even when I’m not) and that he is real.

Two hours later at the end of lunch:

“Hey Kristy, you’re working on a Sunday in October right?  The 12th?”

“Yup!”

“I’m scheduled to work on October the 11th, that Saturday.  Can we switch?  There’s something I want to do that Saturday.”

“Sure, I’d love to switch!  In fact, that’ll be so much better!”

Praise the Lord and a huge thanks to my friend (didn’t ask her permission so I’m not putting up her name)…  prayer answered just like that!  No pressure.  No begging.  No struggling.  No placing co-workers in uncomfortable positions.  No additional stress.  Just like that, it is done… issue resolved. 

Wow!  When God decides to move, everything falls into just the right place!  *wide grin*

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Father God, today was a loooonnnnggggg day.  In the morning, I worked along-side the occupational therapist who is usually stationed in the burn unit... she knows exactly who’s who and what’s what.  Yay! 

Lord, throughout the entire time, I can feel you by my side.  My heart sings for joy as my patients got to experience increased independence and many “first time doing this” situations!  My energy lasted in spurts just long enough to the point where I could escape to rest and recover.  Even during the times when I got tired in the middle of a treatment, my co-worker willingly took over all the prep work and running around for supplies while I either leaned on the linen bin to conserve energy or even the time I had to run out of the room to sit and rest.

All I can say, is that you, my Lord, are an amazing God who provided one thing after the other this entire day.  At the end of the day, I feel kind of bad because I started to complain.  It’s 4:00pm and I’m supposed to be leaving work for home… but that’s not going to happen.  I finished all my wound notes, but haven’t completed (or even started) the morning’s batch of inpatient notes... there are still _six_ notes that I need to complete!

Grumble, grumble.  I know that my attitude isn’t the best.  I really should focus on the myriad of blessings instead of the fact that I need to stay behind so that the next therapist will know about the patients’ progression, treatments I performed…

Stop. 

In all honestly, I know that if I really wanted to leave work, even with my notes not even started… I can.  It’d suck for the person treating the following day, but I have the choice in what I choose to do.  There is no “have-to”… there’s only “it’d be nice for the next person if I completed my work” type of issue.

Father, change my heart to joyfully serve in the full capacity you bless me with.  Even as I sit here at my desk grumbling, you give me the energy and physical stability to remain.  I’m not drained so much I need to run home to rest (surprising after a non-stop, intense type of workday).  So be it, I will choose to serve by completing my work… both to honor you and to bless my co-worker, the one who you used to answer my prayer in her request to switch weekend work days.

Lord, forgive my negative attitude, my selfishness, my misplaced sense of self-righteousness; instead, I ask that you give me wisdom in my documentation, focus to complete the notes to the best of my ability, and help me remember what I did in this morning treatments so that I can properly type and bill.  Give me your peace and correct my attitude.  Let me not work for myself but to do all my work as a reflection of my heart to serve you in worship. 

To my Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the living Holy Spirit… to you be all the glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

Noel and I with a sleeping cat and my many plush toys:

Asking for Something Different at Work

Monday, September 22, 2014

Now that I’ve thrown out the challenge in my last blog post… what do I pray for?  Laughter again?  No… totally not!  That’s too boring to ask for the same thing twice in a row.  Ummm, what should I ask God for today?  I want to ask for something different! 

But what?

*sigh*

I’m trying to think; and yet, nothing comes to mind.

Hey God, I really can’t think of anything interesting to pray for.  I want to see you, but how will you show yourself to me?  Well, whatevers.  Father God, I ask that you show me, somehow, someway, that you are present with me as I work.  I want to see you in action!

In Jesus’ name I ask, amen.

As the day goes on, I’m really starting to drag.  My treatments and documentation speed is slowing down as each hour passes by.  I’m tired.  You know when people say they got "glutened” when they eat gluten and it causes problems?  Well, I got diaried (Kristy made-up word) this weekend and all my energy reserves are gone.  Poof!  Just like that and my entire physical/mental function is affected.  *deep sigh*  I want to go home.

Casually, I ask my boss:  “If I finish early, can I go home?”

I didn’t want to make a big deal out of being tired.  I mean, I’ve pushed through times when I’ve been so drained that I could barely move.  I’m nowhere near that state!  On the other hand, it’d be super super great to just lie down.  Yeah, my bed is sounding pretty nice right about now.  *wry smile*

Later in the day, I drag my feet to check on the board.  I should have one last patient left before I can go home early.  Just one more… Oh, another therapist’s initials are written next to my supposedly last patient-of-the-day.  What happened?  Peeking into the treatment room, I see my co-worker busy at work.

“Can I help?”

“You, go home and rest.  This patient came early and my patient canceled.  Didn’t you want to leave early?”

“Yup, thank you!” 

Sliding myself past the curtains, I change clothes and leave work 1-1/2 hours early.  Yay!!! 

God, even though I don’t feel at my best today, thank you for working my schedule so that I can go home and rest!  Thank you for providing such awesome friends at work who are willing to pick-up my slack.  Thank you that even moving so slowly today, that there was no negative effect on the pacing of patient treatments and that all the most important parts of my documentation are already complete.  Praise the Lord for your timely provision today!  Amen!

It's been a week and I'm still dragging myself around.  Just super tired.  Please pray that I get my strength back and that my body will once again steady itself!

Noel and I re-started our South Bay Games and Dinner Night after 11-month rest-break.  Praise the Lord that he provided enough energy to last the night!  We cook together, eat together, pray together, play games and even clean-up together... community and life-skills with God as the center.

Here's a picture of us chilling together in the living room:

Asking for Something Different

I want work to go well today.  No, nix that.  I _always_ want work to flow smoothly, not be stressful,  and to end on time.  Is that really all I want?  How about something different?

Hey God, I want to see you in my workplace today.  What should I pray for?  I don’t like a super packed schedule… ummmm, but then again, when you’re really present, even the toughest days with the most patients can flow smoothly.  So how about this…  Father, I don’t mind a schedule that requires me to see patients non-stop back-to-back; but, in return give me the energy, focus and a fun time with my patients and my co-workers.  In fact, do this for my whole wound dept!  *wide grin* 

Lord, I’m not asking for an easy day, I’m going to ask for what would normally be a hands-full super busy day!  But… I want today to be so filled with fun and laughter that others will notice and acknowledge that today, there’s something weirdly different.  I don’t mind that this is the end of a packed work-week.  I’m going to trust that, Lord God, you will provide.  Times when I or my co-workers are normally stressed, lift up our spirits and bring in laughter, peace, joy.  Boldly I ask, Lord, that you show yourself in my workplace this day.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

*smirk*

Towards the end of my workday, I overheard these comments:

“Today was super busy like the rest of this week, but I’m not tired.”

“Something’s weird today.  Work was hard like normal, but there’s a lot of laughter.”

Yes, I believe that today is so markedly different because I prayed and God answered. 

I was too chicken to say “that’s because I prayed for this day to be filled with laughter even though the work is demanding.”  But I’m sharing this now… prayer is amazing! 

Today, we sang “Happy Birthday” to a patient with almost the entire wound staff… I’ve never seen that happen in my 9 years here.  Laughter drifts in the air from one room to the next.  Co-workers move with an extra spring in their step.  Joy and anticipation simmer below the surface.  Broad smiles grace many faces.  Patients come early, some come late, but the schedule ends up just right for each staff member.  My paperwork is completely done.   I even get to leave work on time after a non-stop, no-rest day of work.  Yes, today is different; very much so! 

Praise the Lord!

Next week… what interesting things should I pray for?  What would you pray for?  How do you want to see God? 

I challenge those reading this blog post to pray for God to show himself in a very specific and utterly unique way in your life and those around you.  I’d love to hear what God’s showing you.  The more specific your prayer, the more confirmation you’ll have that God is real and amazing when you see him answer.  If you take up this challenge, please email me your cool God-story.  I won’t share it, but I’d love to see more of God at work!

Lord God, I know with all my heart that you are real.  Frequently my eyes are blinded by my own comfort.  I’m wallowing in my own desire.  Father God, help me to let go and really see you this coming week.  I ask to personally experience the joy, peace and true comfort of being in your presence.

Father, for those willing to seek you this week, I ask that you guide their prayers and make the results so uniquely clear that all will be amazed and sing your name in praise. 

Bless those reading this blog with your joy everlasting, lightness of spirit, unfathomable peace and the comfort of your unconditional love.

In Jesus’ holy name I pray, amen.

Sept 21st: Celebrating my 'lil sister's birthday!  Happy Birthday Jess!  *super big hugs*

Weekend Work

Friday, August 29, 2014

I’m going to work Saturday!  Hurray!!!  My eyes are lit, my heart thumping, nervous energy courses through my limbs as I anticipate the approaching weekend.

What?  You think I’m crazy?  Well… probably.  Yeah, I’d say I’m not quite right in the head.  *wide grin*

But… I get to work again!  I love working in the burn unit.  I get to experience dealing with a variety of physical limitations, the opportunity to make splints and face the challenge of modifying activities to fit a person’s needs.  Time to play!

Part of me is a little scared… okay, okay.  A lot scared.  What if there’s something a patient needs to get done and I’m physically incapable of doing my job?  What if there’s a heavy transfer?  Do I say “sorry, I can’t transfer the patient even though I know it’s part of my job.”  Or do I say “Sure, let’s go for it!” and then get so tired, dizzy and have my body act up that I can’t treat the next patient?

Father God, I give my fear into your hands.  You have full control of the patient population, timing of the treatments, patient needs, my physical strength, my body’s stability, even paperwork.  Lord God, nothing is in my control once I start working so I will trust you to provide.  I’m doing my best to rest as soon as I get home this week; I take naps after work, keep in bed whenever I can... I’m storing my energy levels to the maximum of my ability this past week in preparation for tomorrow.  I don’t know if the rest is enough, but Lord, into your hands I give my future.  Provide me patients that I can give my all to help, but also give me wisdom in how to perform the treatments so that I am both effective in my work and can maximize therapy for each patient I work with.  Help me serve to the best of my abilities.  Give me the endurance to provide therapy in a more active capacity.  Give me a can-do attitude, a gentle heart and confident demeanor.  No matter how long or how short each treatment is, I ask that you help me provide skilled treatments that will have a lasting and positive impact of the patient’s physical and mental health.  Provide me the ability and wisdom to encourage, challenge and grow each patient back towards his or her prior functional level.

Lord God, working this weekend is my first small step to bigger and greater activities.  Help me gain the confidence to trust and use my body to its fullest.  Give me the wisdom in how hard and how fast I can push myself.  I want to rock climb again.  I want to play paintball again.  Step by step, Lord, give me the heart to keep fighting.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

What a beautiful morning!  The sun is out.  The air is fresh.  Cool breeze, blue sky and white sweeping clouds.  Today will be amazing!

Father God, thank you so much for today’s provision.  You blessed me with being able to work along-side an occupational therapist who knows the burn unit.  Thank for giving me time to sit and rest when I got tired.  Lord, you are an amazing God.  The pacing of work and rest and paperwork was just right.  You even provided assistance from another physical therapist so that if I got too tired, I could hand-off my workload.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my workday so that I did everything I felt like is needed to do without skimping out on any treatments just because I may get tired.  Thank you that all the treatments in the burn unit didn’t require much physical strength.  Father God, even in my wildest imaginations, I couldn’t have dreamed of such a well set-up work day to work both in the burn unit and in the wound dept.

Thank you for you for the blessings, your abundant provisions and my increase in strength!  I can’t wait to see what else I can soon do!

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Rogue sitting in my lap while I attempt to work on my jewelry projects:

Waiting on God's Timing

"I don't know what to do anymore!  It's been so long since I've had a job!"

Watching my husband sit in front his computer, fiddling with his portfolio... I remain silent.  What is there to say?  By my words alone, I cannot provide Noel with a paying job.  Phrases such as "It'll be okay" or " God will provide when the time is right" sound unconvincing trite.  In the face of Noel's despair, saying "Thank you for staying at home and taking care of me" feels so lacking.  Even a hug doesn't cut it.

Laying in bed, I observe Noel struggle.  There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.  There's no words of wisdom that can fix the issue of no work and dwindling funds.  There's no action I can physically take to solve Noel's joblessness.  There is nothing I can personally do for Noel that will pierce his despair, his frustration, his self-loathing, his impatience.  Rarely do I see Noel cave under the heavy burdens placed upon him by my health, our household, ministry and job issues. 

Silently, I watch over my beloved husband.  My heart breaks.  I feel powerless.

Lord Father, creator of Heaven and Earth, you who are merciful, compassionate, wise and all-powerful... Please help my husband.  Lift the burdens he is stumbling under.  Heal his heart against the standards of what this world says a husband should be or do.  Give to Noel your wisdom to see his life and his current situation as you see it.  Bless Noel with the strength to walk forward with full integrity.  Keep his eyes fixed not on his worth with a job but his true worth as your beloved child.  Give Noel the courage to stand fast against the storms of this life.  Bless him with your everlasting hope through Jesus Christ.  Give him a soul at peace.

Father God, by myself, I am powerless and helpless; however, with you, O Lord, everything and anything is possible.  The options are endless, your timing always perfect.  To you, Lord God, I give the struggles, the hate, the anger, the despair, the hurt... Into your hands, I place both my and my husband's future: our health, our job, our cars, our time, our hope, our everything.

Give us peace.  Give us hope.  Give us courage.  Give us strength.

I want to see you, Lord.  I want to dwell in your presence.  I want to rest in your arms.  I want to live the path and the life you intend for me.  I want you to save and protect Noel... Be it job or jobless, show my husband your calling for him.  Show him his worth in Jesus Christ.  Heal his hurt and his pain.  Give him hope and joy that can only come in you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Noel:

These last few weeks I was lost and somewhat depressed:  the job search wasn't going anywhere, I didn't have a solid indication as to where God wants to place me, and I was frustrated with where I currently am in life.  On Friday after a rescheduled lunch, I reached out to a friend to see if he wanted to meet up for lunch.  Unfortunately, he couldn't because he had to prepare some material for a presentation.  So I then asked what time meeting was and if I could pray for him and his meeting.  I felt that God was revealing His plan for me in little pieces throughout that day.  God played meaningful music while I was driving that reminded me 'He has a plan for me' and for me to 'be patient and trust in Him'.  Even at our quarterly leadership meeting at church on Saturday, the message was a great reminder to "ask God for the impossible, because anything less is an insult to Him". 

Thank you, Lord God, for the renewed sense of hope, joy and peace in Noel.  Thank you for renewing his purpose, refreshing his strength, lifting his spirit.  To you, O Lord, be all the glory.  May my life and Noel's life shine ever greater with your Spirit as you hone us in your light.

In Jesus' name, I give my life and my husband's life, into your loving hands.  Amen.

Noel and I at Footprints! youthgroup Senior Sendoff 2014:

 

Gift of Sleep

Yay, I'm home!!!!!!

Bed... so comfy... it's calling out to me.

Quickly, I change clothes and roll into bed.  

Soft

Cool 

Welcoming 

Pulling a sheet over me, I wiggle myself into the perfect spot.  

Peace 

Quiet 

Calm

Slowly, my eyes drift shut.

*phone ringing*

What? Huh?  Oh.... 2 hours have past.  Wow... I haven't been able to drift off into sleep so easily in weeks!

Father God, thank you so much for a good nap.  Growing up, I never had any trouble sleeping.  As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm totally out and gone.  Prior to this past year, I never understood what it meant or what it felt like to lay down and not have my mind shut off.  Now I know.  One more item to add on my growing list of personal experiences.  *wry grin*

Lord, these past few weeks, I'm crawling into bed by 8pm.  My mind isn't able to drift off until 2am. Then I wake up around 4:40am, 5:30am, 6:10am... by the time 6:30 rolls around, I'm supposed to be out of bed and getting ready for work.  Father, thank you for helping me through these sleepless nights when even though I'm super tired and my body won't shut off enough to rest, thank you that I can still function on so little sleep.  During these times, searching for sleep, craving rest, thank you for always keeping me company.

Father, thank you for giving me this body that keeps getting stronger.  I don't feel dizzy or shaky as often as I used to.  I don't feel as miserable and tired like I did 4 months ago. I'm no longer in pain like I was 6 months ago.  I no longer feel hopelessly broken like I did a year ago.  As each day passes, the memory of old difficulties fade as I confront new and more immediate trials.

Thank you, Father God, that you are totally in control of my life, my health, my work.  Thank you for giving me the strength and motivation to add more hours at my work.  Thank you for providing a work schedule where I can commit to being present.  Thank you that every struggle, every hurt, every mistake... that none of my time here on Earth is wasted.  Thank you that each difficulty is used to grow my strength, my courage and my faith in you.

Lord God, I don't know where I'm headed in this life nor what I'll be able to do in the future... but I do know that you have a plan, a purpose, a reason for this life of mine.

So, in Jesus' name I continue to dedicate this life to my Lord God, amen.  

During our youthgroup's 2014 Senior SendOff event, this is a picture of me and LegoMan:

In Broken Hopes & Dreams

Opening my laptop, I see a sticky note.  "DO YOUR BLOG!  =P  MUAH!"

Noel went off to the church retreat for the weekend and I'm finding surprise notes all around the house.  So cute! 

But.... I don't wanna!  Actually, I already have a blog post written... just don't want to edit it and post it.  You'd think the editing and posting is easy... well, it is.  I'm just lazy.  I'd rather write a handful of journal entries than to go through it again and again to polish it.  =S 

Okay.  Okay.  Think of this long 3-week break from blogging as my birthday gift to myself.  *smirk*  I'll get my butt back in gear now.  Yup yup....

(Sitting at my computer.  Staring at the word-filled screen.  Hand on mouse.  Motionless.)

6 hours later...

July 6, 2014

"What will you be like in 20 years?  What do you expect to have?  Write each individual want, dream, hope, expectation down on its own piece of paper."

High school youth sprawl on the floor in a large circle.  Thoughtful faces.  Intense scribbling. First one paper then another flies to the center.  Quickly, a small pile of bent and creased index cards form.

"Here, lets have two of you organize all the papers into groups and label the theme of each pile."

House.  Job.  Car.  Vacation locations.  Husband/Wife.  Children.  Hobbies.  Successes.  Personal characteristics.  Money.  Stability.  Comfort items.  Material goods.  This is what these youth want to achieve, acquire and experience in their future.

Organizing the piles of what these youth want in their lives 20 years down the road, I see a reflection of my own hopes and dreams.

My eyes scan across the semi-circle of youth sprawling on the floor.  I see apathy and curiosity, alert attentiveness and casual disinterest.  Either way, no one is talking.  All ears are open to listen and all eyes pointing towards Noel and I.  Now, it is our turn to share.  Using these cards neatly organized in front of us, Noel and I will take turns sharing our own dreams from our high school days and the outcomes we experience now, many years later.

Grabbing a pile, I look at the topic:  "Husband/Wife."  Ahhhhhh, this brings back memories.  I remember laying in bed, eyes unfocused, staring at the ceiling.  What kind of husband do I want?  What kind of marriage do I want to have?  How serious am I going to be about my criteria and why?

I'd like a man who is handsome, but we all get old anyways so this will go on my "I would like but not have to have list."  My whole family is tall, so someone who is at least 5'8" to 5'10" would be great.  A man who speaks Mandarin so he can participate with my family during dinner conversations that switch between Chinese and English is ideal.  

On the other hand, there are things I absolutely will not compromise on.  I need someone who loves me and sees/knows the real me.  I have to have a man who loves God first and has the heart to follow Jesus Christ above even his heart for me because this is the type of life I want to live for myself.  I seek a man who desires to grow his relationship with God as his priority so that we can be of one heart and one mind... to truly be able to say that Jesus Christ is the head of our household in all respects, to be equals and acknowledged stewards of all God's given gifts.  I want a husband with whom I can share my entire life with.  A man to share in my future and my goals.  A man who will walk the same path I do, towards Jesus Christ.  This is my dream husband, my ideal.

Before I met Noel, there was only one man who ever made it past the barriers around my heart.  He was a childhood friend.  I can say that I really really liked him.  Back in college, we would talk on the phone every night.  Sometimes, he would come up to Davis to meet me.  One time, I even went down to LA to meet him.  One night while we were talking on the phone, I got asked the question "will you be my girlfriend?"  Happy and ecstatic, I wanted to answer "yes!"  But wait... my purpose of a boyfriend is for assessing if the man is appropriate to be my husband.  This man does not know God, much less place Jesus as first in his life.  He cannot, as he is now, be my life partner.  No matter how hard we try to work this relationship, he will never understand my heart for Christ unless he also experiences the same.  As things stand, he will never be able to be my spiritual equal, to walk in the same direction, to understand the reasoning behind my decisions, to truly know the largest aspect of my life.  I don't want to be lonely in my walk with my Lord God from the person who is supposed to walk closest by my side on this earth.

I remember having to say "no, I cannot be your girlfriend."  Trying to explain myself, telling this man that even if I cared for him... that a deeper relationship would not work out.  I remember that night, sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.  I lay huddled in my sleeping bag with tears constantly seeping out of my eyes.  Fist in my mouth, I did my best to stifle my cries.  My chest hurts.  I'm suffocating inside.  I can't believe I just let go of this someone I really really wanted to be with... but, in the long run, I would hurt more to stick with someone, who I knew from the very start, didn't walk towards the same future I seek.

Lord, to me, following you is worth this pain.  My heart twists inside, but I want to choose you over myself.  I need you, Father God, more than anything else this world offers.  Even though I struggle to let go of what I think I want, what I think I need... Lord, I know that you have even better.

You, Father God, Jesus Christ, are my goal, my role model, my purpose in this life.  You hold my true heart.  You know me above and beyond what I even know of myself.  I will not accept second best.  Lord God, you take first in my heart so give me a partner who will also place you first.  Sooth this pain I feel in my chest.  Someday, if it is your will, allow me to walk beside a man who seeks you first, and in doing so, may I have a man who can run besides me, chasing you as our sole goal in life.

Now, years later, I can proudly say that the wait is worth it.  Having Noel walk besides me, supporting me, loving me in ways I never imagined possible... I can state that the husband I am blessed with, together, we walk towards Jesus Christ.  Eyes both fixed on God.  Supporting each other when we stumble.  Celebrating together in the joys of this life.  At peace in seeing God's blessings and provisions... I have a partner, who is fully my equal, who shores up my weaknesses and I his, one who allows me to grow my strengths, one who I can lean on to let God lead in our marriage.  I am blessed with Noel, who is beyond any dream a high school or college girl could have... a husband who's goal is to live as Christ calls.  The wait is worth it.  Every year, every day, I fall more and more in love with this man God placed in my life: walking the same path, pulling at each other when one strays... always, the same goal under the leadership of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father God, you do know my heart.  You know what I can handle and provide accordingly.  Lord, as I struggle to choose you first in all aspects of my life, I get to experience your blessings in ways I've never imagined possible.  By giving up my first romance for you, Lord, I gained Noel.  For giving up racing cars, I gained the honor of becoming a youth counselor and the ability to impact young lives.  By giving my health and my future into your care, I am blessed with peace of heart and a purpose in my daily life.

Lord Jesus, in giving up my own definition of my hopes, dreams and their acquisition by my hands... In you, I have gained more joy, more love, more hope, more peace, and more fulfillment.  In breaking me of my youthful desires for my future, you in turn continue to grow my dreams even larger by changing their definitions, expanding potentials, and opening new doors.

Lord, you love me enough that you don't want me to remain as a caterpillar but to evolve into a butterfly.  The growth process is painful, sometimes disheartening... But the end result is that by your power, I can fly into a realm a caterpillar can never reach.  

Thank you, Lord, for caring about me enough to release me from the chains of this earth, for giving me new hope and bigger dreams.  Thank you for giving me a purpose to live; one bigger than myself.  Lord, as I start another year of my life, help hone my dreams.  Shape me into a person who shines so brightly with your spirit that people see you instead.  Thank you for gifting me with wings growing ever bigger, ever brighter.  Thank you for helping me fly ever higher.

Lord, following you is my dream.  Responding to and sharing your love is my purpose in this life.  You, O Lord, are my greatest treasure.  Thank you for allowing me to aim so high.  Thank you for guiding me when I stubbornly stray.  Thank you for your infinite patience and this astounding peace.

In Jesus' name, amen.

What are your dreams?  

Where does your heart lay?  

What do you treasure most?

May you be blessed to stay true to your real path, to grow ever greater your dreams and to know where your real treasures lay.

My family celebrating my birthday with dinner:

Holding Back, Moving Forward

Time flies in the blink of an eye.  Work.  Eat.  Sleep.  Repeat.

By now, I had hoped to be back at work full-time.  I mean, come on... it's been 6 months since the last chemotherapy injection! 

Accepting the fact that my body cannot handle full-time work, I concede to working only 8-hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I was hoping that by May, or at the very latest, start of June, I could return to work full-time.  I want to be a productive, fully present, member of the team at work.

Hasn't happened yet.

Every time I say that I feel stronger and I tell myself "if next week remains steady, I'll add in those extra 8 hours a week and finally work myself back to full-time!"  *super hopeful look*

Nope... every time I even _think_ something about increasing my working hours, my body rebels by telling myself it's tired.  *deep sigh*  So yeah... I'm still on 8-hours for 3 days a week.

"Rest is good."

"Your body's gone through a lot."

"Just be patient a little longer."

Easy being told, but hard to hear because there's no end in sight.  Try living this lifestyle when there's a thousand-and-one things you want to do!  I still haven't gone rockclimbing yet.  I haven't played paintball since last November!  No matter what anyone tells me, I'm getting pretty impatient with myself.

But on the positive side, I am able to do more daily activities such as cooking one or two meals a week, cleaning up a little after myself, and just sitting up with Noel to watch a movie.  The basics in life.  Simple pleasures.  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for allowing me to work part-time at my job.  Thank you that I am able to consistently work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays almost this entire month!  Thank you that I can do a little more than pure bed-rest on my days off.

 Hurray!!!

Lord, I ask for your wisdom in ramping up my activity levels.  I ask for increasing endurance to look ahead and keep moving.  I ask for the joy of abiding in you as I live day by day.  I ask for strength to continue testing my limits.  I ask for rest so I don't drop with fatigue.  I ask for the courage to keep pushing ahead.  I ask for health so I don't catch a cold.

Don't let me get lazy or complacent. Don't let me be content with what I am physically capable of doing.  Don't let me stagnate in my daily life.

Father, this life you've given me is really amazing!  Help me continue to enjoy each day.  Open my eyes to see the beauty in this life and this lifestyle.  Let me focus on you instead of myself. Give me the strength to use my weakness.  Give me the hope of seeing you in every part of my life.  Brighten my heart so that darkness has no place.  Hold me tight so I don't stray from your side.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Have a great week everyone!  I wrote three different potential blog posts, but ended up going with this one because my brain isn't thinking clearly enough to edit.  Heheheeee... *sheepish grin*

Recently, I'm playing with my newly acquired silver chains and synthetic opals.  The deep sparkle of these opals reminds me that life is more than just what I can and cannot do... what's below the surface matters.  So long as I have God's Spirit shining in my life, my life will never be dull.  Yay!!!  =D

Mika's sleeping on me.... ahhhhhh, can't get up!

Every Moment Counts

Noel is coming home.  Hurray!!!!  He’s arriving tonight after a week in Hawaii. I get two precious days with him before sending him off again for a couple of days in San Diego. Two days. Time is ticking.

Sitting in my car, I wait for Noel’s call.  I’m in a parking lot with other cars, all waiting for the signal that the person we came to pick-up is here.  Other cars come and they go.  Where’s Noel’s call?  *ring ring*  Yes!  He’s here!  Wait 5 minutes then come?  Okay.  I should pick you up at the end of the arrival area?  Sure!

I wait close to 4 minutes.  Long enough.  Time to go see my husband!  Driving over to the arrival area, I cruise until I see a break in all the cars.  Should I park here?  Naw, Noel said end of the line of cars.  Ummmm, after the break in the cars picking up passengers, I pass a bunch of taxis.  After the taxis, there’s no parking/pick-up area.  Grrrr… that first opening I saw was probably the pick-up area Noel wanted me to go for.  Nooooooo!

Frustrated and irritated, I step on the gas.  I have to circle the whole airport and redo the pick-up situation.  My meeting with Noel will be delayed and I have to deal with all these speed bumps and traffic lights.  *deep sigh*  This isn’t the attitude I wanted to greet my husband with.  I don’t want to waste my time and energy feeling bad.  What’s done is done.  Focus, I get to see Noel soon.  Kristy, pull yourself out of this mental pit, be positive!  I only have 2 days to spend with Noel, I don’t want to meet him all grumpy.  Cheer up!

I want to fully bask my husband's smile, his voice, the strength of his arms. Yay!  I'm so looking forward to having my husband home. My heart sings. My spirit dances. Thank you, Father God, for bringing my husband back to my side... Even just for a bit... Thank you for the opportunity to live by his side just a moment longer.

Father God, I thank you for this week.  That even with Noel away from home, you provided for my health.  Last week sucked and I was miserable, tired and not feeling my best.  This week, you gave me the energy to cook for myself while Noel’s gone.  I had the strength to play with two of my neighbors, teaching two girls how to make their own silver necklace using cutters, pliers, acid and even a flame torch!  I was able to make it through this work-week without dragging my feet in fatigue.  I successfully cooked for my friends from work without crashing.  This week is amazing!  Lord, thank you that even though I don’t know what my body is going to be like day to day, that you still provide for me above and beyond all my expectations. 

Lord, it’d be nice if I had this energy and strength all the time, or even the consistancy of knowing what days will be good and what days wouldn’t… but Lord, in whatever state my body ends up, I am blessed to see you always there for me… the good times and the bad.

Thank you, Lord, for this ability to know that I am blessed every single moment.  In the changing of my days, I can clearly see your provisions.  In my weakness, I get to lean on your strength.  In my strength, I get to celebrate the joy of being alive.  Each bit of time I have, every opportunity you give, I am blessed by you to really live this one life I’m given.  Help me not waste even a fraction of your blessings; I want it all.  Don’t let me miss out on how good life with you really is. 

Even as I crave comfort, consistancy, assurance of the future, strength, endurance and times of happiness… Lord, I thank you that I don’t always have those things so that I see you so much clearer and get to enjoy this life more fully.  So bring it on!  The life you want me to experience, how you want me to live, so be it.  So long as I get to be immersed in your love, your provisions, your power, your mercy, your very presence… this life is so worth it. 

I’ve gotta say, it really is true that even though my life is filled with so many ups and downs; overall, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been when I was healthy and physically independent.  Funny… to be able to say that being physically broken is a blessing.  Weird huh?

May you be blessed to know the joys of this life.  Be blessed by God eternal, to see the wonders of being alive in both the good times and the bad.  Until next week, take care!

 

Teaching two neighborhood kids how to make an opal necklace: