Me: Kristy

“No, it was your fault.” 

*shock*  Did I just say that?  “Sorry, Noel.  That wasn’t true.”

“You’re tired.  Lie down.”

Obediently, I lie down, close my eyes, and review the last couple of minutes.  What happened?  First I was happily reporting the fact that I finished my taxes for my jewelry business.  During the report, I reflected on how terminology can totally affect the outcome of what numbers go where.  Next thing I realize, I’m blaming Noel for wording something a certain way so that entering numbers on our upcoming tax return would result in paying more taxes. 

Fact #1, that last statement is totally untrue.  Fact #2, Money that belongs to the government should go to the government.  Fact #3, God’s always provided enough money in all situations… so why try to be stingy now?

*deep sigh* 

My heart just isn’t in the right place.  I don’t like this part of me! 

As I look at myself, I see a lot of dirt:  rough edges, self-righteousness, pride, self-entitlement, hatred, irritation, greed, enslavement to situations or activities… so much negative stuff.  The harder I look at myself, the more filth I see.  I really hate this selfish, money-grubbing, finger-pointing part of myself.  By myself and inside myself, I’m not a “good person” at all. 

In John 15: 4-5, Jesus says:

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

So… What kind of life results do I truly want? 

I want to be better than I am.  I want more than this internal filth that permeates my thoughts, my actions, my heart.  In my life, I only feel completely safe, completely clean, completely whole when I dwell in the presence of God.  I want more of the goodness, the sweetness, the joyful peace that I can only find when I “abide” in Jesus Christ.  I want Jesus as my role model, my end goal, the guide to my heart, my words, and my soul because I know he is better than anything I can attain by my own power.

As Jesus states, I can only be like him if I stick to him.  I want to walk so closely with Jesus and match my heart with his heart so that all my dirtiness washes away.  My soul is already cleansed through Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross… but I continue to roll myself in mud and run to God once I realize that I’m dirty.  *wry grin*  I feel like a little kid who runs off to have fun, only to be grossed out by how dirty I got and so run back crying to my parent for warmth, security, soothing comfort and cleaning. 

To avoid straying onto my own path is impossible, but when I truly seek God, nothing is impossible for God… even the change of my heart and my attitude.  That’s what I want…  I want the impossible!  I want to be satisfied with what I have.  I want to focus on real issues and not get side-tracked by every little thing that pops into my head.  I want to take joy regardless of what this world throws at me.  I want to share the love that I’ve already received.  I want to be at peace even in the most stressful of situations because I know that God is in complete control. 

Lord, you’ve always provided: money, time, ways to deal with tough situations, strength… on and on and on.  What really do I have to worry about when I’ve got you by my side? 

Lord Jesus, I thank you for saving me from myself.  Thank you that you first loved me so that I can learn to love like you.  Thank you for calling me on my faults so that I can grow past them.  Thank you for never just leaving me alone to live by my own set of rights and wrongs.  Thank you for being a living example of what it means to follow God’s command.  Thank you for taking my burdens when I can’t carry any more.

Because of Jesus, I am saved, my wrongs already forgiven.  Continue to change my heart to see you, to know you, to abide in you.  I don’t like myself much when I stray from your side, so please keep me close.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel taking me home after our friend's wedding ceremony: