Yay... the date is finally set!
I start my chemo on Jan 11th and then have another appointment the next day for somekind of injection (or infusion?) to increase my bone marrow production of white blood cells. *wide grin*
Lord, I'm really nervous and kinda scared now that the chemo is becoming more of a reality. On the other hand, I'm relieved to start this process so that I can get it over with. Father, help me to be at peace with what I cannot affect and to not get lazy with the duties placed in my care.
In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Holiday Seasons
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!!!! *big hugs*
Noel bought me this keyboard I'm using right now... it's so awesome! I can type faster and easier. *drool* I hate typing on a computer so I've been using my iPad... but tapping away at the iPad screen is SLOW and produces many mistakes. Now, I can type anywhere I want... usually in an area where there's lots of sun. *wide grin* Did I meantion that I love being in the sun? =D
But beyond the super cool gifts during this time of year... what I've realized that I treasure most is time with my family and friends. Actually, since I don't spend a whole lot of time with my family, I'm going to start reserving these special holiday times for family first. As I look back on this life I've lived so far (not that it's been that long), I realize that I really do take my family for granted. My family is always there for me, always supports me, always worries and cares for me. And what do I do in return? I feel so safe that my family is always there that I spend even LESS time with them! There's definately something very wrong with that. *sheepish grin*
Father in heaven, thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for this past year of irreplaceable lessons learned and challenges overcome. Help me become a person who can honor you and honor my family and honor my friends above my own personal selfishness... not to loose myself, but to truely know myself more.
In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.
See most of you next year! *super big hugs*
Noel bought me this keyboard I'm using right now... it's so awesome! I can type faster and easier. *drool* I hate typing on a computer so I've been using my iPad... but tapping away at the iPad screen is SLOW and produces many mistakes. Now, I can type anywhere I want... usually in an area where there's lots of sun. *wide grin* Did I meantion that I love being in the sun? =D
But beyond the super cool gifts during this time of year... what I've realized that I treasure most is time with my family and friends. Actually, since I don't spend a whole lot of time with my family, I'm going to start reserving these special holiday times for family first. As I look back on this life I've lived so far (not that it's been that long), I realize that I really do take my family for granted. My family is always there for me, always supports me, always worries and cares for me. And what do I do in return? I feel so safe that my family is always there that I spend even LESS time with them! There's definately something very wrong with that. *sheepish grin*
Father in heaven, thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for this past year of irreplaceable lessons learned and challenges overcome. Help me become a person who can honor you and honor my family and honor my friends above my own personal selfishness... not to loose myself, but to truely know myself more.
In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.
See most of you next year! *super big hugs*
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Identity
Who is Kristy?
How do I define myself?
Part of my identity lays in what I do... Physical therapy, paintball, rockclimbing, youth counselor. What happens to me if I can no longer participate in these activities? Does my identity really depend on the things I do?
Thinking about my future participation in a 6-month chemotherapy regime... What happens if the side effects are bad enough that I can't play paintball or feel too tired to go rockclimbing? How then will I define myself? Will I still be the same person?
About five-and-a-half years ago, Noel and I stopped participating in racing our car in legal time trials called autocross. I love the adrenaline, the speed, learning and applying new techniques on courses that changed every event. Back then, autocross was a huge part of my life... something I defined myself by. However, stopping autocross in order to become a youth counselor at my (back then new) church has been far more rewarding than I ever imagined! Working with, loving, and being loved by the crazy youth at church has grown and shaped me in many ways. I am now more outspoken and more confident. Each year, I learn new lessons about leading and managing large events, have opportunities to share my life stories to eager ears, teach life-skills, and learn more about myself... my strengths, my weaknesses, my need for time alone, and my ability to be more than I think I can be when God calls me.
Considering how important autocross was... I realize that I haven't played paintball or gone rockclimbing for 3 months now! However, my description of myself, my identity, hasn't changed... my identity won't change just because my activities do. That's already been proven to me when I stopped autocrossing.
What happens if I loose all my hair? I may not like my looks, but does my hair define me? No! My confidence and my strength do not originate from my actions or outter appearance, but from deep inside. I believe that my identity is a complex combination of my beliefs as a Child of God, choices made, and adventures lived. I believe that as each day passes, I find out more and more about who I really am. Hardships and challenges just polish and clarify what my personality is really like... who I really am inside.
Father in Heaven, I'll be sad if I can't play paintball or go rockclimbing... But in the long-run, I won't stop being Kristy just because I don't participate in the same activities. I will still be Kristy curled up with a book, sleeping, or staring off into space. I will be the same me regardless of long hair, short hair, or no hair.
Thank you, Lord, for the peace and confidence and hope that I have in you. Father, thank you for growing me and strengthening me so that I can progressively take on bigger and bigger challenges. I hate being uncomfortable and I hate walking blindly into an unknown future... but at the same time, I crave the adventure of facing new challenges in my life just so I can say "I made it!"
Thank you Lord for this crazy confidence and strength to live this life not dependent on myself, but living by your never-ending strength, power, and love for me. Thank you, Father, for always being there so I can peacefully step forward knowing you'll catch me and guide me. Thank you Father, for proving to me that when I honor you first in my life, you provide for me better than I can ever dream of. Thank you, Lord, that because of your presence in my life, I have the courage to test my limits, to challenge my capabilities, to uncover more of this person called Kristy.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
How do I define myself?
Part of my identity lays in what I do... Physical therapy, paintball, rockclimbing, youth counselor. What happens to me if I can no longer participate in these activities? Does my identity really depend on the things I do?
Thinking about my future participation in a 6-month chemotherapy regime... What happens if the side effects are bad enough that I can't play paintball or feel too tired to go rockclimbing? How then will I define myself? Will I still be the same person?
About five-and-a-half years ago, Noel and I stopped participating in racing our car in legal time trials called autocross. I love the adrenaline, the speed, learning and applying new techniques on courses that changed every event. Back then, autocross was a huge part of my life... something I defined myself by. However, stopping autocross in order to become a youth counselor at my (back then new) church has been far more rewarding than I ever imagined! Working with, loving, and being loved by the crazy youth at church has grown and shaped me in many ways. I am now more outspoken and more confident. Each year, I learn new lessons about leading and managing large events, have opportunities to share my life stories to eager ears, teach life-skills, and learn more about myself... my strengths, my weaknesses, my need for time alone, and my ability to be more than I think I can be when God calls me.
Considering how important autocross was... I realize that I haven't played paintball or gone rockclimbing for 3 months now! However, my description of myself, my identity, hasn't changed... my identity won't change just because my activities do. That's already been proven to me when I stopped autocrossing.
What happens if I loose all my hair? I may not like my looks, but does my hair define me? No! My confidence and my strength do not originate from my actions or outter appearance, but from deep inside. I believe that my identity is a complex combination of my beliefs as a Child of God, choices made, and adventures lived. I believe that as each day passes, I find out more and more about who I really am. Hardships and challenges just polish and clarify what my personality is really like... who I really am inside.
Father in Heaven, I'll be sad if I can't play paintball or go rockclimbing... But in the long-run, I won't stop being Kristy just because I don't participate in the same activities. I will still be Kristy curled up with a book, sleeping, or staring off into space. I will be the same me regardless of long hair, short hair, or no hair.
Thank you, Lord, for the peace and confidence and hope that I have in you. Father, thank you for growing me and strengthening me so that I can progressively take on bigger and bigger challenges. I hate being uncomfortable and I hate walking blindly into an unknown future... but at the same time, I crave the adventure of facing new challenges in my life just so I can say "I made it!"
Thank you Lord for this crazy confidence and strength to live this life not dependent on myself, but living by your never-ending strength, power, and love for me. Thank you, Father, for always being there so I can peacefully step forward knowing you'll catch me and guide me. Thank you Father, for proving to me that when I honor you first in my life, you provide for me better than I can ever dream of. Thank you, Lord, that because of your presence in my life, I have the courage to test my limits, to challenge my capabilities, to uncover more of this person called Kristy.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Medical options
Today I went to the Stanford Cancer Center. Outside was chaotic due to the ongoing construction. Parking costs $6 with very few spots available.
My first steps into the cancer center was enough to let me know that this was a private hospital. Very fancy... wood floors, lots of windows, expensive flat-screen monitors, tall brightly lit open areas . . . and real orchids placed in every nook. *drool* Straight ahead, a person played the piano near an open staircase. To my right, a Walgreens pharmacy. To my left, a person offering free 15-minute massages in a massage chair! *deep sigh* Wondering how much my hospital is paying for this consult. *shudder*
The oncologist says I should do a combination of two intravenous chemotherapy drugs (Gemcitabine and Docetaxel). This chemotherapy combination has a 40% likelihood of reducing my tumors and is supposedly the "place to start." According to her, other options have even worse side effects than what I will mention below.
There is no "cure" for my cancer, only a delay to prolong my life. Fun huh? Will prolonging my life be worth it? There's no answer. I either chose to dive in head-first and try some kind of cancer treatment . . . or do nothing. Neither option sounds appealing because of the the inherent risks, pain, and eventual diminished function.
If I follow through with this chemotherapy, the treatment itself is about 2 hours long (not including the lab tests and MD visits which will take over another hour) every 2 weeks for 6 months. I'll have nausea and potential vomiting for a day or two after every injection of the chemo drugs (this side effect is modified by more medications). Then 7-10 days after each injection, my immune system will have it's lowest white blood cell count, meaning I'll be more succeptible to infections/colds. By around the 3rd month, I may notice side effects such as swelling and neuropathy . . . maybe hair loss, muscle pain, extreme fatigue, diarrhea, bleeding, or even harm to my kidneys and liver. To top this off, the doctor says that I'll likely be too tired to play paintball and should stay away from large crowds and children. *smirk* I work in a hospital, get into very close proximity with patients, work with youth kids, and participate in a fair-sized church community. *wide grin* I don't plan to give up!
If the chemotherapy works, I may have a year or two reprieve before the tumors start noticeably growing again. If the chemotherapy doesn't work . . . I go on to try other chemotherapy options... or radiation.
Either way, the oncologist expects the tumors to continue growing with eventual surgery in the future to remove any large masses that cause symptoms. In the potential next surgery, the doctors can assess my body to see if radiation during surgery is an option. None of these options are guaranteed to work. *sigh* Actually, the oncologist specifically told me to expect more tumors to grow regardless of the treatments I try.
Father in heaven, I prayed that you'd give the doctors wisdom in their plan of action, course of treatment, and that I would trust you to guide the doctors in what steps I should take. God, I trust that you'll answer my prayers. So Lord, help me to listen and understand what the doctors offer. When the decision for my treatment is offered and set, may all the doctors be in accord to the best treatment you want me to take. Please don't let my heart be hardened to the offered course(s) of care because of my personal fear or stubbornness. Please give Noel and I peace and comfort as we plan our future and face the difficulties ahead.
Thank you Lord God that my cancer is one in which I can comfortably live until the tumors get so large that they interfere with my bodily function or activities. Thank you Father that I have options to choose from and a choice to make. Thank you, Lord, for this life I have yet to live.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
My first steps into the cancer center was enough to let me know that this was a private hospital. Very fancy... wood floors, lots of windows, expensive flat-screen monitors, tall brightly lit open areas . . . and real orchids placed in every nook. *drool* Straight ahead, a person played the piano near an open staircase. To my right, a Walgreens pharmacy. To my left, a person offering free 15-minute massages in a massage chair! *deep sigh* Wondering how much my hospital is paying for this consult. *shudder*
The oncologist says I should do a combination of two intravenous chemotherapy drugs (Gemcitabine and Docetaxel). This chemotherapy combination has a 40% likelihood of reducing my tumors and is supposedly the "place to start." According to her, other options have even worse side effects than what I will mention below.
There is no "cure" for my cancer, only a delay to prolong my life. Fun huh? Will prolonging my life be worth it? There's no answer. I either chose to dive in head-first and try some kind of cancer treatment . . . or do nothing. Neither option sounds appealing because of the the inherent risks, pain, and eventual diminished function.
If I follow through with this chemotherapy, the treatment itself is about 2 hours long (not including the lab tests and MD visits which will take over another hour) every 2 weeks for 6 months. I'll have nausea and potential vomiting for a day or two after every injection of the chemo drugs (this side effect is modified by more medications). Then 7-10 days after each injection, my immune system will have it's lowest white blood cell count, meaning I'll be more succeptible to infections/colds. By around the 3rd month, I may notice side effects such as swelling and neuropathy . . . maybe hair loss, muscle pain, extreme fatigue, diarrhea, bleeding, or even harm to my kidneys and liver. To top this off, the doctor says that I'll likely be too tired to play paintball and should stay away from large crowds and children. *smirk* I work in a hospital, get into very close proximity with patients, work with youth kids, and participate in a fair-sized church community. *wide grin* I don't plan to give up!
If the chemotherapy works, I may have a year or two reprieve before the tumors start noticeably growing again. If the chemotherapy doesn't work . . . I go on to try other chemotherapy options... or radiation.
Either way, the oncologist expects the tumors to continue growing with eventual surgery in the future to remove any large masses that cause symptoms. In the potential next surgery, the doctors can assess my body to see if radiation during surgery is an option. None of these options are guaranteed to work. *sigh* Actually, the oncologist specifically told me to expect more tumors to grow regardless of the treatments I try.
Father in heaven, I prayed that you'd give the doctors wisdom in their plan of action, course of treatment, and that I would trust you to guide the doctors in what steps I should take. God, I trust that you'll answer my prayers. So Lord, help me to listen and understand what the doctors offer. When the decision for my treatment is offered and set, may all the doctors be in accord to the best treatment you want me to take. Please don't let my heart be hardened to the offered course(s) of care because of my personal fear or stubbornness. Please give Noel and I peace and comfort as we plan our future and face the difficulties ahead.
Thank you Lord God that my cancer is one in which I can comfortably live until the tumors get so large that they interfere with my bodily function or activities. Thank you Father that I have options to choose from and a choice to make. Thank you, Lord, for this life I have yet to live.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Planning for the future
When people hear the diagnosis cancer, many think "death," an end to all hopes and an end to all dreams.
Just saying that "I'm diagnosed with cancer" results in instantaneous frowns of concern, shock, looks of pity. The official diagnosis of cancer can bring an instant sense of hopelessness, a future prediction of endless suffering and unfathomable pain.
Regardless of the cancer diagnosis... doesn't my future end in death anyways? Can you say I won't die of a car accident tomorrow? Or maybe be physically injuried to a point where I can no longer function at work? Who can say how long my life will last or how well my life will be lived? I can't... can you?
Will I suffer? How long will I live? *casual shrug*
These are questions I haven't asked my doctors to answer. I may ask just for my personal amusement. *grin* Regardless of the answers I may receive, I will continue to plan for the future. I will continue to hope that I have the physical strength and mental capacity and emotional stability to carry out my plans... And if at some point, I loose some of what I am now capable of doing, then I will adapt. Why waste the time I have now fearing my potential future? My future may become worse than anyone can even imagine... Or my future may become even better than anyone can imagine! I will not limit myself, but I also will not ignore the potential struggles ahead.
God gave me a certain amount of time to live, and I am determined to live my life fully! Why hold back? I don't plan on living forever. I'd rather have a fun-filled and meaningful life than dying in my sleep, old and frail, unable to move. *wink*. Hopefully, I won't die young and frail, unable to move.... That would suck! But still, I trust that my Father in heaven can bring me hope and joy and peace even if my life takes the worst imaginable path... I intend to make a difference regardless of my own capabilities. God took the time to create me, I will honor my Lord in heaven by not letting my life go to waste. Hmmmm... Then again, I waste plenty of time reading manga, watching anime, and avoiding chores. *Wide grin*
Father in heaven, I thank you that I can continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to live. A human diagnosis is nothing compared to the power contained in your slightest thought. May I not be swayed by human fears, human-made hopelessness, human despair. Lord Father God in heaven, may my life be lived in your truth, your hope, your light. Help me to serve with continued strength, passion, and love... at work, at home, at church, amongst friends and family. Help Noel and I plan our finances. Give us wisdom and strength as we learn to budget our money in a three-month trial to live only on one person's budget (starting next year). Bless us with being able to continue to host gatherings of dinner and games at our home.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Just saying that "I'm diagnosed with cancer" results in instantaneous frowns of concern, shock, looks of pity. The official diagnosis of cancer can bring an instant sense of hopelessness, a future prediction of endless suffering and unfathomable pain.
Regardless of the cancer diagnosis... doesn't my future end in death anyways? Can you say I won't die of a car accident tomorrow? Or maybe be physically injuried to a point where I can no longer function at work? Who can say how long my life will last or how well my life will be lived? I can't... can you?
Will I suffer? How long will I live? *casual shrug*
These are questions I haven't asked my doctors to answer. I may ask just for my personal amusement. *grin* Regardless of the answers I may receive, I will continue to plan for the future. I will continue to hope that I have the physical strength and mental capacity and emotional stability to carry out my plans... And if at some point, I loose some of what I am now capable of doing, then I will adapt. Why waste the time I have now fearing my potential future? My future may become worse than anyone can even imagine... Or my future may become even better than anyone can imagine! I will not limit myself, but I also will not ignore the potential struggles ahead.
God gave me a certain amount of time to live, and I am determined to live my life fully! Why hold back? I don't plan on living forever. I'd rather have a fun-filled and meaningful life than dying in my sleep, old and frail, unable to move. *wink*. Hopefully, I won't die young and frail, unable to move.... That would suck! But still, I trust that my Father in heaven can bring me hope and joy and peace even if my life takes the worst imaginable path... I intend to make a difference regardless of my own capabilities. God took the time to create me, I will honor my Lord in heaven by not letting my life go to waste. Hmmmm... Then again, I waste plenty of time reading manga, watching anime, and avoiding chores. *Wide grin*
Father in heaven, I thank you that I can continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to live. A human diagnosis is nothing compared to the power contained in your slightest thought. May I not be swayed by human fears, human-made hopelessness, human despair. Lord Father God in heaven, may my life be lived in your truth, your hope, your light. Help me to serve with continued strength, passion, and love... at work, at home, at church, amongst friends and family. Help Noel and I plan our finances. Give us wisdom and strength as we learn to budget our money in a three-month trial to live only on one person's budget (starting next year). Bless us with being able to continue to host gatherings of dinner and games at our home.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)