Identity

Who is Kristy?

How do I define myself?

Part of my identity lays in what I do... Physical therapy, paintball, rockclimbing, youth counselor. What happens to me if I can no longer participate in these activities? Does my identity really depend on the things I do?

Thinking about my future participation in a 6-month chemotherapy regime... What happens if the side effects are bad enough that I can't play paintball or feel too tired to go rockclimbing? How then will I define myself? Will I still be the same person?

About five-and-a-half years ago, Noel and I stopped participating in racing our car in legal time trials called autocross. I love the adrenaline, the speed, learning and applying new techniques on courses that changed every event. Back then, autocross was a huge part of my life... something I defined myself by. However, stopping autocross in order to become a youth counselor at my (back then new) church has been far more rewarding than I ever imagined! Working with, loving, and being loved by the crazy youth at church has grown and shaped me in many ways. I am now more outspoken and more confident. Each year, I learn new lessons about leading and managing large events, have opportunities to share my life stories to eager ears, teach life-skills, and learn more about myself... my strengths, my weaknesses, my need for time alone, and my ability to be more than I think I can be when God calls me.

Considering how important autocross was... I realize that I haven't played paintball or gone rockclimbing for 3 months now! However, my description of myself, my identity, hasn't changed... my identity won't change just because my activities do. That's already been proven to me when I stopped autocrossing.

What happens if I loose all my hair? I may not like my looks, but does my hair define me? No! My confidence and my strength do not originate from my actions or outter appearance, but from deep inside. I believe that my identity is a complex combination of my beliefs as a Child of God, choices made, and adventures lived. I believe that as each day passes, I find out more and more about who I really am. Hardships and challenges just polish and clarify what my personality is really like... who I really am inside.

Father in Heaven, I'll be sad if I can't play paintball or go rockclimbing... But in the long-run, I won't stop being Kristy just because I don't participate in the same activities. I will still be Kristy curled up with a book, sleeping, or staring off into space. I will be the same me regardless of long hair, short hair, or no hair.

Thank you, Lord, for the peace and confidence and hope that I have in you. Father, thank you for growing me and strengthening me so that I can progressively take on bigger and bigger challenges. I hate being uncomfortable and I hate walking blindly into an unknown future... but at the same time, I crave the adventure of facing new challenges in my life just so I can say "I made it!"

Thank you Lord for this crazy confidence and strength to live this life not dependent on myself, but living by your never-ending strength, power, and love for me. Thank you, Father, for always being there so I can peacefully step forward knowing you'll catch me and guide me. Thank you Father, for proving to me that when I honor you first in my life, you provide for me better than I can ever dream of. Thank you, Lord, that because of your presence in my life, I have the courage to test my limits, to challenge my capabilities, to uncover more of this person called Kristy.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.