Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Promise: 8th Annual Church Paintball Event

Today is finally the day of our 8th Annual Church Paintball a Event!

God, you promised that I'll be able to play with no holds barred.  I will trust in your promise and your provision.  Forget the last couple days of dizziness or weakness; today, it's going to be amazingly awesome because you made this event possible!

Father God of all Heaven and Earth, into your hands I release this event into your care.



"Start in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Go.  Go.  Go. Go. GO!"

My heart pounds with the thump echoing in my ears.  Adrenaline courses through my veins. My eyes shine bright in anticipation and my feet bounce against the ground.  I love being on the paintball field; just being here makes me feel alive!

Holding myself still, I assess my side of the field.  Lord, where do you want me to go? There's 40 people here.  What if there's somebody who really needs or wants help... God, don't let anyone fall through the cracks today.  Guide me to serve so that your Spirit will shine and your presence be undeniably present!

Crouching nearby, I see one of our youth girls.  Gun in hand, she huddles behind a wall, unmoving.

Sliding forward, I gently I touch her shoulder and lean towards her left ear.  "Are you okay?  Is this scary?"

She slowly nods her head yes.

"No one is shooting here right now.  There's no paint hitting this wall or the ground around you.  Come, let's take a look to see if there's anyone you can shoot."

I peek around the wall, I encourage the girl to join me in scanning our surroundings.  No one in sight.  Good.  
Coaxing her forward, we move to the next wall.  Ah, perfect!  No paint is flying in this direction.  Yes, opponents are visible.  Easy targets.  *drool*

"Can you see those guys in the middle?"

Cautiously, the girl peeks out.  Quickly, she pulls back and nods her head.  Guiding my hand along her gun, I position the gun against her shoulder and adjust the angle of the barrel.  "Okay, all you have to do is lean your body out, keep your gun pointed in this direction and pull the trigger."

"Game over.  Time's up!"

God, give this girl the strength and courage to step beyond her fears to enjoy the fun that paintball can be.  Give her and the rest of these kids (and adults) the support each needs to step forward, the ability to get past the painful hits, the courage to step back onto the battlefield, and the strength to stay positive in the face of loosing.  Lord, I ask for you to bless this group with fun, laughter and integrity regardless of winning, loosing, painful hits, or even unfair calls.  I ask that you show everyone this day what it is like to have you present.



We've only finished the first round of games, but already sweat trickles down my chest.  My gun, still unused, sags heavily in my hands.  Today's going to be hot!  
Already, two people need band aids for cuts; one from a paintball, another from falling into the castle's moat.  Another guy limps off the field from a hard hit on his thigh. Around me, I hear stories of people getting shot in the groin and one on the neck.  Ouch!  

God, is this really okay?  There's a lot of minor injuries first thing in the morning!  Will anyone still want to play after this?  I know I prayed for openings to serve and for people to be loved on; but even for a paintball event, what kind of calamities are you going to allow for the rest of this day?

I'm scared, a little anxious.  But isn't this what I prayed for?  I asked God to be in complete control.  

As I shuffle my feet in resignation, a movement on my left catches my eye.  Turning my head, I see a bunch of guys crowding around a girl on the bench and two staff members present.  Oh shoot.  Is this girl part of our group?  One of the guys hovering around her is from my church youth group.  Heart sinking, I toss my gun on a nearby table and rush over.

Eyes glazed.  Minimal response.  Slowed speech.  Body drooping forward.  Not good.  I focus on the conversations around me:

"Yeah, I had to carry her."
                                                                   "Probably got too hot."
                                    "How are you feeling?"
                                                                                              "For a little bit, she was out."

                       Concern                         Helplessness
                                      Desperation                                                   Hesitation
                                                                                    Inexperience

Oh Lord, already?

I get the closest guy to lay the girl on the ground.  I send another for wet towels and hear footsteps running off.  Without turning away, I lift the girl's head and hand her a nearby Gatorade.  "Take a couple of sips every minute, no gulping."

Drat.  It's hard to drink laying down.  Too late to lift her upright.  Laying down is safer in case she blacks out.  

Taking a nearby sweatshirt, I stuff it under the girl's head for a pillow. Someone hands me two wet towels.  Perfect.  I quickly place one on her neck and hand her the other towel.  "Use this to wipe your face."  

Looking down, the girl appears more alert.  "Here, drink another couple of sips.  Cooling your body more would be good.  If your willing, squeeze the wet towel and soak your shirt across the abdomen.  It's hot enough your clothes will dry fast."

Oh Lord, did this really have to happen so early in the day?  Give me the wisdom to provide appropriate care for fluid dehydration.  Give me the eyes to assess this girl's body and plan for the next step.  Help me to manage today's event to completely eradicate the chance of anybody else getting dehydrated!

Father God, I know I asked for no major injuries, but this is cutting it pretty darn close!  In this type of heat, it's really hard to recover.  It sucks, but this girl may not be able to participate in today's paintball event.  Should I pull her out?  Return her money?  God, please give me your wisdom!  I want her to be able to play today.  I want her to be stable and safely play paintball with her friends!  I want her day to be filled with laughter, fun experiences, and for her to enjoy the deep sense of community only you can create.  I want her healthy so that her friends can also wholeheartedly enjoy the blessings of playing with and against each other.

"Here, make sure you sit in the shade.  Still feeling okay!  Dizzy?  Nauseas?  Discomfort? I'm honestly not sure if you can participate in the rest of paintball today.  Keep drinking sips of fluid; if you like Gatorade, switch between that and water.  I leave the decision up to you whether you choose to play or not.  But you've gotta be very careful; if this happens again, it'll be worse the second time around."

God help!



"Kristy, can I get a band aid?"

Turning around, I see that the next game, or maybe even the third game, has already ended.  "Sure.  Show me the cut."

My eyes pop open.  The outer skin is completely torn off!  I've never seen this happen in paintball before... At least not from a paintball!  A full circular wound is visible completely torn down to the reticular layer, a criss-cross mesh of yellow-white fibers.  Great.  What in the world is happening out there?!?

"Is this a paintball shot?"

"Yeah."

Oh my goodness, today is so out of my control.  Yup God, all yours.  What happens today I know you allowed it, so in whatever you allow, please protect these children!  

Arghhhhh... I wanna pull my hair out!  Today is dangerous beyond what my words can express!  This is not normal paintball!



Father God, as always, you are beyond amazing!  I asked for 40 players; you ended up providing 41.  I asked for your help in gathering over half the needed payments and electronic waivers on the morning of the event before 9am; you completed this process in 30-minutes by 8:55am when my personal best still took 60-minutes.  I asked for no major injuries; there were none... But there were PLENTY of minor injuries.  I asked for opportunities to serve and share in how playing paintball with integrity, prayer, and a good attitude is our way of bringing God into our passions, our hobbies; Lord, you answered this request too.  I asked that the girl who got dehydrated would fully recover to play paintball with her friends; she did.  But not only that, God, you gave her the energy and ability to play so well that she surrendered players and became the key in winning games.  I asked for protection of our youngest players and promised to keep them out of the advanced games while my neighbor went to pick up the pizza; Lord, you protected them even as they participated in the advanced games (I had no idea they came in on the field and joined the other side).  *deep bow of apology to the parents*

I still shudder when I think of all the potential injuries, dehydration issues, hurt feelings... But Lord, you took care of it all!  No twisted ankles.  No complaints of headaches past the single occurrence of dehydration which spurred me on to constantly bug everyone to drink water. Lord, you even provided extra water so that there was no need to portion fluids throughout the entire day.  

Father God, I thank you for the laughter of everyone present.  I thank you for the strength you gave me so that I could completely participate in today's event!  I thank you for providing just the right people at all the right times to help run this event smoothly.  I thank you for two friendly referees.  I thank you for providing treasured friends to share their time and energy to selflessly teach and protect the new players.  I thank you for even providing people who we've never even met before to guard our bags so nothing got stolen.  I thank you that in the chaotic return of equipment, everything was completely returned.  I thank you that even though we played really late, the late arrival of the pizza allowed everyone to eat fresh pizza instead of old cold pizza.

Lord, you are all-powerful indeed!  This entire day is a blessing.  Thank you for the chance to see you so clearly present, so clearly in control, and so clearly purposeful!  Thank you for allowing me to participate in your story and walk beside you in this journey of sharing your glory. Thank you for loving me enough to answer all my demands, my requests, my wishes all so that I can shout that my God is a living God, real in my life, and visible by your provisions.  

I am humbled by your goodness.  I am awed by your power.  I am freed by your love.  I am comforted by your unbroken promises.

Father God, in you, I lay my life.  In the name of Jesus, give me the strength to serve and ground my identity in you.  With the Holy Spirit, may I shine brightly as a small reflection of you on this earth.

Oh yeah, and one more thing.  God, can you continue to give me strength?  Tomorrow is a practice with our other paintball team, Crimson Rage.  I would like to participate... just a little bit.  Please?  I really want to participate at least in the second half.  I know I'm crazy.  Today alone with the heat, full gear, carrying my heavy gun, and playing paintball would wipe out any unseasoned, physically untrained person.  For the past 6-weeks, I've been mostly stuck in bed with a couple days where you blessed me with the strength to bed out of bed for half a day.  Today is my first day out of bed for so many hours, I should be completely drained.  In fact, logically I know I should rest tomorrow.  Forget logic.  Lord, will you please bless me with the energy to play more paintball?  If you will it, I believe anything is possible!

*huge grin*  Well, God, if you're going to teach me to pray boldly, I'm going to do it!

In Jesus' name I boldly ask my Father in Heaven for another day of playing paintball... one in which I can fully enjoy myself without physically crashing or being too sore to move. Amen.







Video clip of us playing paintball also found at https://youtu.be/Hd1G450Dr90

Monday, June 22, 2015

(un)CERTAINTY

Monday, June 22, 2015

My feet drag as I walk into the doctor's office.  Plopping into a chair, I wait with Noel supportively by my side.  

I'm scared.  Today's another chemo day.  

Last chemo sent me to the hospital for two days with fever, a high resting heart rate and an even higher moving heart rate up to the 150s.  I don't want to deal with the chemo again!  Can I just stop?

I know God will guide the doctors in regards to my treatment.  I know God is all-powerful and if he wanted me to get chemo, I can physically crash the entire week and still be strong enough to participate in the Summer Church Paintball Event this Saturday?  Or God can let me have chemo and get no symptoms at all.  Even better, how about no chemo?  God can do anything.  But for me, will I have to go through another week of misery?

I'm tired.  Part of me is breaking inside.  How much more?

Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me.  I'm clueless as to which direction you're guiding my care.  Lord, I know that in you, anything is possible.  Please give me peace as I follow your will.  Give me comfort as I choose to serve you.  Give me a heart to accept the doctor's judgement as I know their decisions are under your will.  Give me the heart not to argue, not to push my will, but allow you to be in complete control.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

The doctor comes in.  She sits down.  I know what she's going to say; there's a certain look.  Is that pity I see?

"Kristy, you will get chemo today.  To counter the alcohol allergy, we'll give you Benedryl and a steroid called Dexamethasone.  Any questions?"

Inside, my heart drops.  I feel myself starting to crumble.  What can I say?  I told God that I'll let him lead the doctor's decision.

But really God?  

Again?  

No break?

*deep sigh*  

My limbs have no strength.  Here I go, another round.  God, you call it.  You promised me I can play with the kids at the Summer Paintball Event.  I don't know how, but I know that in you, anything is possible. I will trust in your faithfulness.  I dread my future, but to walk with you is better than me walking my own path.  I commit to submitting to your will... But God, you know I'm really hating this chemo right?

Noel and I sit for two hours, waiting for my scheduled chemotherapy session.  I flop in my chair; my small black backpack supports my head, my legs drape over the opposing armrest.  At least this is comfy!  The sun beats down, I'm starting to sweat.  Okay, maybe a little too warm here.

Just as I prepare to move, a nurse calls out my name: "Kristy Cheng Esporo?"

"Here."  I wave my hand to get her attention.

"Are you waiting for your port to be de-accessed?  You know that your chemotherapy was canceled right?"

What?!?  "My port wasn't accessed this morning, we were just waiting for the chemo."

Three minutes later, my phone rings.  The PA (physician's assistant) is on the phone.  "Hi Kristy?  You know that your chemo is canceled right?  Your morning's blood test shows that your ANC (absolute neutrophil count) is 0.5, too low for us to give you any chemotherapy treatments.  Go home today and take the Neulasta injection to raise your white blood cell levels and we will see you in two weeks for chemotherapy."

Hanging up, I give Noel a huge smile and a thumbs-up.  My heart leaps for joy.  Sweet, no chemo today!  

Thank you, God!  You totally waited to the absolute last moment before notifying me of the cancelation of my treatment.  Not waiting would've been nice, but I'm totally fine with this outcome!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Father God, even without chemo, this week, my strength is up and down.  There were times I felt stronger.  There were also many times my bones hurt, I can feel my heart pounding, my head gets dizzy, eyes loose focus, a sharp sensation shoots from my shoulders to my hips where my muscles almost collapse in pain.  Father, I don't know what's going on with my body, but give me the energy, strength, focus, and spirit to serve those around me with a positive and loving attitude; no holds barred.  

May we as a paintball group be a blessing to all we interact with. Give us the heart to unconditionally serve, teach, love on each other.  I ask that your Spirit shine so bright all will know of your presence.  Bless the communication between all players, especially the captains and lieutenants, even the staff we come into contact with.  Guide the pacing.  Protect the children.  Keep us hydrated. Give us the wisdom to teach, the spirit to love, words to encourage, fellowship, joy, laughter, hope, and growth together as a community.

In Jesus' name, I continue to pray big for this event and expect to see you come through in amazing, wonderful, and totally unexpected ways!  

Now let's PLAY!  <3



Noel and Kristy at Stanford right after getting notified NO chemo!!!


Noel and Kevin preparing pods to paint:



Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Kristy & Paintball: Leap of Faith

June 14, 2015

Wide stance, squatting low, I readjust the gun in my hands. Shifting the weight of my paintball tank, I settle it into an area just below my right shoulder.  Torso twisted, my gun touches the starting net while my gaze fixates on my goal.  Lower, I push my body weight ever closer towards the ground.  Silent count: one, two, three, go!  I throw my body forward.  My gun twists to the opponents side.  My left foot pounds the ground.  Right foot flies forward shoving me forward.  I'm falling.  Oh shoot I'm falling face first as my right foot catches the ground.  I have to protect my brand new paintball gun!  Instinctively, I flex my right elbow angling the barrel of my gun away from the ground.  Ahhhhh, gotta straighten my knees!  I'm not wearing any padding, if my knees touch the ground first, it's gonna hurt!  Quickly, I duck my head downwards to lower my upper body, stretch out my arms, and allow myself to skid along the ground: forearms first, chest, abdomen, then legs.  So embarrassing!
Picking myself off the ground, I can only think of two positive comments: one, I turned tripping into a successful dive, and two, I protected my gun from getting scratched.  Success!  *sheepish grin* 

Brushing the dirt off my chest, I stand up.  Legs planted a little wider than normal, I balance myself upright as my legs shake from lack of strength.  Drat, I'm so weak!  Guess that means no running for today.  Stumbling a little, I shuffle to the nearest inflatable bunker and position myself to shoot.

*click*

"Good, stand there like that."

Gun up, angle the hopper behind the bunker.  Tuck my elbows tight by my sides.  Plant my feet and twist my them in (smaller target). Squat low, lower.  Focus.  Looking down the side of my gun I search for my opponents.  Any enemies?  Stay sharp.  Keep my body hidden as much as possible.  Be ready to switch from the right side to my left.  Be ready to shoot someone and be shot at. 

*click*

Okay, if you didn't catch it by now, a teammate is taking photos of me posing on the paintball field in my brand new Crimson Rage team jersey with my very first brand new paintball gun.  Yay!  Today is my first day over this past one month that I'm back at the Santa Clara Paintball field.  Actually, it's the first day in a month I'm doing anything active!  Forget the fact I'm not really playing paintball.  Forget the fact that there are no real opponents and the field is empty of people.  I'm enjoying the air, the sounds, my environment, even the feels of preparing to shoot someone. *wide grin*  Bloodthirsty ain't I?

Unofficial photo shoot complete, we leave the field.  I feel satisfaction with killing imaginary opponents, getting the opportunity to start breaking in my new gun, learning my current physical status.  I have many areas to to address: physical strength, speed, balance, positioning, techniques, accuracy.... the list is never-ending.  Well, more like there are always areas to improve in.  I'll always be assessing and tuning my physical capabilities, my attitude, my technique, increasing my knowledge, and the most important bit is I'm having so much fun!


Laying in bed, home again after another forced hospital admission, I stare at the calendar. Today is June 18th; I just got home yesterday.  How come my time at the paintball field, only 4 days ago, feels like a whole different part of my life?

I received two more units of blood on June 15th and started the newest chemotherapy (Eribulin) which left me with erratic fevers, headaches, weakness, sore throat and a very high heart rate. No one is sure what the cause is.  Not likely the blood transfusion. Maybe the chemo?  The alcohol in the chemo that I'm allergic to? Combo?  *shrug*  All I can say for sure is that my current resting heart rate is 100-110s.  Simple activities such as standing up or picking up socks from the ground jump my heart rate into the 140-150 range.  *shudder*  

I've worked as a physical therapist in the cardiopulmonary department; I know I'm pushing close to the limits of being safe if I increase my activity levels.  With my current heart rate, what paintball?  I'm more likely to jump out of bed, get dizzy, and put my head down to minimize blacking out or completely loosing my balance.  *deep sigh*

On the other hand, as I was praying last week, I felt and still feel God confirming that I will be able to completely participate in the upcoming church paintball event on June 27th.  With me living in one hospital after another every week this month, where does my unfounded confidence come from?  All I can say is that God's given me assurance in my heart and peace in my mind that he will intervene no matter how bad things are now.  Beyond my faith in God, I have nothing else to base the conviction I have in my full participation on the coming paintball event.

But not just my confidence in making it to the paintball event; the planning, group organizing, logistics... If I don't make it to the field, execution of the event will be more difficult, but not impossible.  I believe in delegation, communication, and training the next generation to take over.  A huge thanks to Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang for making this event possible as Noel and I lean on the both of you!  

Talk about jumping off a cliff; I expect and need God to step in. My body as it is now lays weak and motionless in bed.  Under my own power, I'm not able to walk a block much less run, crawl, shoot, and carry equipment.  By God's power and his promise, I will be living proof that for the one day God's provided, I will be fully functioning.  Doesn't matter if I crash afterwards, I know that in the name of Jesus Christ, this is a blessing my Father in Heaven will bless me with.

If you have time, come see for yourself what God can do!  I dare you and I dare myself to see God in action!  *wide grin* 

Flipping to the other side of my head, I keep telling myself "this paintball event is God's event!  He will provide who comes."  Then I get scared.  Sure there is some interest in the event, a couple people have requested information... but the reality is that besides the team captains and lieutenants, we have absolutely no one officially sign up 7 days before this paintball event.  

I gnaw on my lips with worry.  What if no one comes?  What if no one signs up?  We promised Santa Clara Paintball that there will be 40 people.  Right now, we have 7 advanced players ready to serve and no one to serve.  *stress*  

I'm scared. But this is God's event.  But I'm still scared.  God promised I can be there at this event so he's gotta provide people to serve right?  But what if he doesn't?  What if I heard God wrong and everything is all foolishness in my head?  Where did my brash confidence disappear to?  Inside, I'm completely defeated; I feel crushed.

Father God, you, who are all-powerful... will you hear my plea? Even after seeing you in action and boasting of your great works, something as small as numbers stump me.  I freeze in fear I hear you wrong.  I shudder at shouting of your greatness, not knowing how you choose to provide, but then cringe at my timidity in asking you to provide players to play and serve each other at our annual church paintball event.  Lord, you have continued to provide both the advanced players as well as the beginner players of all levels for 8 years... so why do I start doubting you now?

Forgive me, Lord, for my lack of faith.  You said, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

Lord, I want that faith as tiny as a mustard seed!  Give me the boldness to trust in your goodness.  Give me courage to pray publicly for great things.  Give me the confidence that you love me so much that you will step in regardless of my selfish requests and provide better than I can ever dream of.  Help me ask for big things so that I can see you provide even bigger!

Father God, Lord Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit; I want to show the world that you are real, that even in this day and age, you work miracles.

In Jesus' name, I ask these things for next Saturday's June 27th Church Paintball Event:
  • Bring 40 players to this paintball event
  • A referee who is kind, hard-working, meshes well with our group, approachable, and willing to work with us to smoothly run the event
  • Protect all participants from moderate to severe injury as well as dehydration
  • Have everyone in good health and able to play to their heart's content
  • Provide enough food, water, snacks
  • Give everyone the heart to help one-another, a positive attitude, joy in playing both with and against each other
  • Properly working equipment: nothing broken, jammed or irreparable on the field
  • Nothing gets lost, stolen, or misplaced
  • Stress-free collection and organization of money, people, transportation, anything else
  • For all participants to have fun and the day be filled with laughter
  • Main request: your sovereign presence throughout the planing, execution and closure of this event

Lord, help me to release the control of this paintball event, all the details, my health into your all-powerful hands.  Regardless if I get another round of chemotherapy this coming Monday, I trust that my medical care and physical body reactions are all in your hands.

As I trust my life in your care, help me to trust you with events out of my control.  Give me, Noel, Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang wisdom, courage, tenacity, strength, boldness, kindness, gentleness, peace, joy, and hope as we learn to seek you first in this paintball event and first in our lives.

Lord, I thank you that you are greater than everything.  I ask that you again step in and show your provision so that this paintball event can be a "success" in all senses of the word.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 


June 5th video update regarding my chemo: 

Kristy shooting imaginary opponents on the paintball field (June 14, 2015):

Monday, June 1, 2015

Stuck at Stanford Hospital

Wednesday, May 27, 2015: Stanford for scheduled blood draw

Just wanted to let you all know that the docs admitted me at Stanford today because they were worried about my low red blood cell level, high fevers (103F), potential GI bleed, and even considered abdominal surgery. 

The surgeon who checked on me today was the same one who helped perform my last abdominal surgery in 2013.  He totally remembered me and even got a little emotional seeing me back in... but he was able to pass on the message that I'm physically very capable and strong so the staff gives me more leeway.  Praise Jesus for providing not-so-random meetings!

Surgeon's verdict: no huge abdominal surgery right this minute.  Why?  The bad news is because surgical removal of my masses will result in so much resection of my intestines that I'll end up with multiple poopy bags!😱 So surgery is last resort even though my masses almost doubled again since 6 weeks ago (5x5 for the largest mass).  

I'm being well protected by God in Stanford with my crazy allergies, especially my unique sensitivity to alcohol (not the alcohol itself that can evaporate, but something linked with it?).  Every lab draw and every IV line switch that requires cleaning is dangerous for me. So far not a single accident has occurred.  For me, this is a miracle in and of itself!  Nowadays, everything has alcohol: cleaning pads, hand wipes, IV line green caps (Curos caps), surface wipes, and even hidden within medications.  Each step of the way, God has and is continuing to prevent any alcohol from contacting my body.  Yay!!!

I'm here, stuck in Stanford, for 5 days now.  I now have a drain hanging out the right side of my abdomen with a little plastic bulb to create negative pressure to suction out the fluid.  It's pretty neat!  I've learned that if my abdomen hurts, I request my drain be flushed with saline (probably reduces the bacteria) and all the pain goes away without additional medications.

I'm on Zosyn, IV antibiotic, but my fevers continue.  The doctors added IV Vancomycin which resulted in my face flushing hot red and my chest getting itchy.  First dose stopped, but pharmacy thought the reaction was from pushing the medication too quickly.  Second trial of  Vancomycin given at a slower rate resulted in difficulty breathing, my entire face and chest itching, face burning and fire behind my eyes... 50mg Benedryl later as my symptoms start calming down, I'm told that the night doctor wants me to continue with Vancomycin and more Benedryl.

What?!?!

"No."  I will NOT take anymore Vancomycin.  This is ridiculous!  Out of all the antibiotics out there, there's gotta be other options that won't knock me down.  25mg Benedryl makes me cross-eyed.  Even more Benedryl and fighting allergy symptoms is not my idea of a beneficial healing process!

I know the doctors are trying to protect me.  With the Zosyn alone, my fevers got so high it resulted in rigors, severe uncontrollable shivering with me feeling super cold.  Each time, I fought to control my breathing, protect my tongue away from my teeth and minimize the convulsive spasming.  A great workout.  After 45 minutes of shaking: my muscles ache, my hands tremor with fatigue, and back hurts.  Kind of weird.  My body is only a fraction under my voluntary control, I'm trapped inside my head, but at least I can gasp out single-syllable replies.  Not my most looked for activity of the day, week, or ever again in my life!

Thank you God that the daytime doctors agreed with my decision to not continue Vancomycin!  Thank you, Lord, for  providing another antibiotic, Zyvox, that my body is easily tolerating.  Thank you for taking away the crazy sweat-dripping fevers, the severe fatigue, the pounding headaches, my uncontrollable muscle spasms, my inability to breath deeply, my mist-clouded mind, my gut-wrenching pain that would immobilize me and so much more.

Thank you God for helping the doctors find the seropurulent abscess hidden amongst my tumors.  Thank you that the medical staff cares enough not to take my allergies for granted.  Thank you that when my body spasmed out of control, you provided people nearby to help when I couldn't call out for help or hit the nursing call button.  Thank you for the favor you've given me in the sight of all the staff and doctors. Thank you for helping me be able to bless others even when I don't feel well.  Thank you for your Spirit in me that enables me to smile, be patient and love on others even when everything seems to fall apart.  Thank you for getting me through 3 days of not eating without biting someone's head off (I really hate being hungry)!

Heheheheee...God's blessing me everywhere I go so I'm spoiled by lots of nice ppl. Yay!!! Praise the Lord!

These past couple of days, I'm learning again and again to trust in God for my health, my attitude, my emotional status, my physical capabilities, my allergies.... trusting that even when things go very wrong, nothing is out of God's control.  Everything that scares me being in a hospital: minimal choices, limited option, restrictions, lack of privacy, living with a noisey roommate, the service I receive, the food I eat... I can control none of it and the lack of control freaks me out!

Please pray that my heart stays soft and receptive to MD orders instead of me being stubborn thinking "I know how this should be" or "I want this."  Pray that God will use me as a light in the hospital so much his Spirit shines undeniably by my actions, words, attitude and "the God factor!"

Love you all lots!
K