(un)CERTAINTY

Monday, June 22, 2015

My feet drag as I walk into the doctor's office.  Plopping into a chair, I wait with Noel supportively by my side.  

I'm scared.  Today's another chemo day.  

Last chemo sent me to the hospital for two days with fever, a high resting heart rate and an even higher moving heart rate up to the 150s.  I don't want to deal with the chemo again!  Can I just stop?

I know God will guide the doctors in regards to my treatment.  I know God is all-powerful and if he wanted me to get chemo, I can physically crash the entire week and still be strong enough to participate in the Summer Church Paintball Event this Saturday?  Or God can let me have chemo and get no symptoms at all.  Even better, how about no chemo?  God can do anything.  But for me, will I have to go through another week of misery?

I'm tired.  Part of me is breaking inside.  How much more?

Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me.  I'm clueless as to which direction you're guiding my care.  Lord, I know that in you, anything is possible.  Please give me peace as I follow your will.  Give me comfort as I choose to serve you.  Give me a heart to accept the doctor's judgement as I know their decisions are under your will.  Give me the heart not to argue, not to push my will, but allow you to be in complete control.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

The doctor comes in.  She sits down.  I know what she's going to say; there's a certain look.  Is that pity I see?

"Kristy, you will get chemo today.  To counter the alcohol allergy, we'll give you Benedryl and a steroid called Dexamethasone.  Any questions?"

Inside, my heart drops.  I feel myself starting to crumble.  What can I say?  I told God that I'll let him lead the doctor's decision.

But really God?  

Again?  

No break?

*deep sigh*  

My limbs have no strength.  Here I go, another round.  God, you call it.  You promised me I can play with the kids at the Summer Paintball Event.  I don't know how, but I know that in you, anything is possible. I will trust in your faithfulness.  I dread my future, but to walk with you is better than me walking my own path.  I commit to submitting to your will... But God, you know I'm really hating this chemo right?

Noel and I sit for two hours, waiting for my scheduled chemotherapy session.  I flop in my chair; my small black backpack supports my head, my legs drape over the opposing armrest.  At least this is comfy!  The sun beats down, I'm starting to sweat.  Okay, maybe a little too warm here.

Just as I prepare to move, a nurse calls out my name: "Kristy Cheng Esporo?"

"Here."  I wave my hand to get her attention.

"Are you waiting for your port to be de-accessed?  You know that your chemotherapy was canceled right?"

What?!?  "My port wasn't accessed this morning, we were just waiting for the chemo."

Three minutes later, my phone rings.  The PA (physician's assistant) is on the phone.  "Hi Kristy?  You know that your chemo is canceled right?  Your morning's blood test shows that your ANC (absolute neutrophil count) is 0.5, too low for us to give you any chemotherapy treatments.  Go home today and take the Neulasta injection to raise your white blood cell levels and we will see you in two weeks for chemotherapy."

Hanging up, I give Noel a huge smile and a thumbs-up.  My heart leaps for joy.  Sweet, no chemo today!  

Thank you, God!  You totally waited to the absolute last moment before notifying me of the cancelation of my treatment.  Not waiting would've been nice, but I'm totally fine with this outcome!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Father God, even without chemo, this week, my strength is up and down.  There were times I felt stronger.  There were also many times my bones hurt, I can feel my heart pounding, my head gets dizzy, eyes loose focus, a sharp sensation shoots from my shoulders to my hips where my muscles almost collapse in pain.  Father, I don't know what's going on with my body, but give me the energy, strength, focus, and spirit to serve those around me with a positive and loving attitude; no holds barred.  

May we as a paintball group be a blessing to all we interact with. Give us the heart to unconditionally serve, teach, love on each other.  I ask that your Spirit shine so bright all will know of your presence.  Bless the communication between all players, especially the captains and lieutenants, even the staff we come into contact with.  Guide the pacing.  Protect the children.  Keep us hydrated. Give us the wisdom to teach, the spirit to love, words to encourage, fellowship, joy, laughter, hope, and growth together as a community.

In Jesus' name, I continue to pray big for this event and expect to see you come through in amazing, wonderful, and totally unexpected ways!  

Now let's PLAY!  <3

Noel and Kristy at Stanford right after getting notified NO chemo!!!

Noel and Kevin preparing pods to paint:

(un)Bound

I'm bored.  Well, that's not true.  I just don’t want to work on any of the projects I have lined up.  *wide grin* 

Flopping backwards on my bed, I flip open my laptop.  Let’s see… what should I look for?  Clicking on one tab to another, I surf the web.  I watch a little YouTube about refractory ovens, watch metal get melted, learn more about making jewelry, watch some survival technique videos, learn how to start fires and tan leather.  Then, the next thing I find myself doing is hunting through Amazon and eBay for materials in new projects I want to start up. 

At the corner of my eye, I notice the section of recommended stuff Amazon so nicely places to entice me to buy more.  Oh hey, there’s manga here that I’ve never seen before!  *drool*  I have not read manga for a couple months now.  Surprisingly, the hard-hitting cravings I used to feel aren’t strong... more like a constant dull ache. 

Since I was about 9 or 10 years of age, I've read novels or stories for multiple hours each day.  I’ve stopped maybe a week at a time, never losing the sense of gnawing need, but fighting hard to keep away and then failing.  My longest stint of non-reading is 40 days for lent a couple years ago… but never have I experience truly being free from reading until now.  By walking closer with God and putting him first in my decisions, I feel truly free.  I have more time, more hope, more joy, more satisfaction and more peace with my life than ever before.  No more heavy sense of guilt or pounding pressure.  Yay!!!

Casually, I click on a manga I’ve never heard of.  Eyes scanning, I read the synopsis.  Clicking the next manga, I read more.  By the time I realized what was happening, my eyes and hands were already busy hunting down the next interesting story.  Even just reading the short back-cover descriptions, the cravings hit me hard.  I _need_ to read more.  I don’t want to stop reading.  I can feel the chains coiling around my heart and around my mind.  My hands automatically move, my eyes scroll right and left.  My sense of self start to disappear into a deep black pit.  Stop.  STOP!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to be back where I was before!

The deeper I dive into my cravings, the larger the monster inside me grows.  Hunger.  Need.  A senseless wave of compulsion.  Self-hatred.  Loss of control.  I feel defeated, enslaved.

I have two choices; I can choose to feed the gnawing hunger inside and temporarily calm the thrumming in my head; or, I can choose to seek Christ and take comfort in the fact that while I dwell in his presence, I am already satisfied and the cravings can’t get to me.  In the presence of Jesus Christ, I can find peace, freedom, and gain the choice in what to do with my time, my mind, my heart.

God, HELP!!! 

Please bring the curtain of safety down over my head and my heart.  Lock my eyes and my hands away from feeding this raving monster inside.  I’m scared of losing control again.  I don’t want to feel bound to reading in order to satisfy the endless hole in myself.  Lord Jesus, please fill the void that draws me to seek satisfaction away from you.  Please calm the grasping, churning, turmoil inside my body. I forgot the bondage and pain of being drawn into reading; reading past the point of enjoyment and into a prison of hopelessness, loss of control, guilt, and fear.

Lord, bring me close to your side.  Protect me from myself.  Teach me how to enjoy reading again without being bound by it. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Here's a picture of my co-worker and I attempting to walk in a sample 10XL pair of scrub pants:

Asking for Something Different

I want work to go well today.  No, nix that.  I _always_ want work to flow smoothly, not be stressful,  and to end on time.  Is that really all I want?  How about something different?

Hey God, I want to see you in my workplace today.  What should I pray for?  I don’t like a super packed schedule… ummmm, but then again, when you’re really present, even the toughest days with the most patients can flow smoothly.  So how about this…  Father, I don’t mind a schedule that requires me to see patients non-stop back-to-back; but, in return give me the energy, focus and a fun time with my patients and my co-workers.  In fact, do this for my whole wound dept!  *wide grin* 

Lord, I’m not asking for an easy day, I’m going to ask for what would normally be a hands-full super busy day!  But… I want today to be so filled with fun and laughter that others will notice and acknowledge that today, there’s something weirdly different.  I don’t mind that this is the end of a packed work-week.  I’m going to trust that, Lord God, you will provide.  Times when I or my co-workers are normally stressed, lift up our spirits and bring in laughter, peace, joy.  Boldly I ask, Lord, that you show yourself in my workplace this day.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

*smirk*

Towards the end of my workday, I overheard these comments:

“Today was super busy like the rest of this week, but I’m not tired.”

“Something’s weird today.  Work was hard like normal, but there’s a lot of laughter.”

Yes, I believe that today is so markedly different because I prayed and God answered. 

I was too chicken to say “that’s because I prayed for this day to be filled with laughter even though the work is demanding.”  But I’m sharing this now… prayer is amazing! 

Today, we sang “Happy Birthday” to a patient with almost the entire wound staff… I’ve never seen that happen in my 9 years here.  Laughter drifts in the air from one room to the next.  Co-workers move with an extra spring in their step.  Joy and anticipation simmer below the surface.  Broad smiles grace many faces.  Patients come early, some come late, but the schedule ends up just right for each staff member.  My paperwork is completely done.   I even get to leave work on time after a non-stop, no-rest day of work.  Yes, today is different; very much so! 

Praise the Lord!

Next week… what interesting things should I pray for?  What would you pray for?  How do you want to see God? 

I challenge those reading this blog post to pray for God to show himself in a very specific and utterly unique way in your life and those around you.  I’d love to hear what God’s showing you.  The more specific your prayer, the more confirmation you’ll have that God is real and amazing when you see him answer.  If you take up this challenge, please email me your cool God-story.  I won’t share it, but I’d love to see more of God at work!

Lord God, I know with all my heart that you are real.  Frequently my eyes are blinded by my own comfort.  I’m wallowing in my own desire.  Father God, help me to let go and really see you this coming week.  I ask to personally experience the joy, peace and true comfort of being in your presence.

Father, for those willing to seek you this week, I ask that you guide their prayers and make the results so uniquely clear that all will be amazed and sing your name in praise. 

Bless those reading this blog with your joy everlasting, lightness of spirit, unfathomable peace and the comfort of your unconditional love.

In Jesus’ holy name I pray, amen.

Sept 21st: Celebrating my 'lil sister's birthday!  Happy Birthday Jess!  *super big hugs*

Life's Little Twists and Turns

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Ugh… not feeling so well.  My sensitivity to foods is now way up.  

Last week, I ate some “all natural vegan snack” Veggie Sticks by The Daily Crave… no dairy, no egg, no gluten products.  In fact, the ingredients are really simple: potato flour, safflower oil… and flavored with veggies.  Not bad huh?  Wrong.  I got symptoms of gluten and dairy! 

Checking the Veggie Sticks package, I found this statement “manufactured in a facility that also processes wheat, soy and milk derivatives.”  *deep sigh* I just got glutened and dairied.  Meh.  Who thought that the small particles either on the machinery or in the air are enough to set my body off?  Not me.  Guess this is what people mean when they say “cross-contamination.” 

Grrrr……..  I now need to be super vigilant about anything that even possibly _touches_ one of the many products I’m sensitive to.

How sensitive?  Think of those wooden spoons or chopsticks at home.  If you’ve used it to touch or eat a product such as soy sauce (yes, most soy sauce and many Asian sauces have wheat), the gluten in the product can remain in the pores of the wood.  If I eat anything cooked with that wooden spoon or eat with that chopstick, I’m likely to get sick.  

What products am I reactive to?  Well, the list is even longer now.  I’m sensitive to chicken (yes, I did say chicken and probably duck too), chicken/duck egg, alcohol, gluten (not just wheat… this includes barley, rye and some other grains), dairy (not just the usual lactose), cantaloupe, avocado, banana (who knows what other fruits *sniffle*), anything spicy… and then even heavy use of garlic or onions cause me to feel severely bloated.

Thank you, God, that there are many cabinet spices I can use to cook with!  Thank you, Father God, that I can still eat beef, pork, fish, salt/pepper.  Father, thank you so very much that I can still use gluten-free soy sauce, one without alcohol in it, and gluten-free oyster sauce for flavoring my foods.  Yay!!!

Sun’s long gone.  Noel’s already asleep in bed and snoring.  Me?  I’m wandering around the room.  What time is it?  Oh, it’s already Tuesday… way past midnight.  Why am I still up?  Well, back to the food sensitivity issue, I don’t know what I’m eating that’s affecting my body now… but I’m reacting to _something_ I ate.  Frequent runs to the toilet aren’t exactly what I’d call restful.  I’m going to stay up until my body calms down.

Huddling in a small patch or light, I’m surrounded by darkness.  Kneeling on the carpet, I grasp a tool in each hand.  Twist. Tap.  Squeeze.  I’m shaping some more earrings, practicing my technique with forming wire shapes.  Done! 

Now what?

Scratch.  Scratch.  My pen flies over paper.  Hearts, flowers, leaves… I’m sketching and designing ideas for new earring pieces.  What sketches?  I though you just made the earrings by playing around.  Yeah, I do… but my intention is to create earrings, necklaces and bracelets never seen before.  I want to play with chemicals to anodize silver.  Use fire to solder silver and even melt silver into new shapes!  *drool* I want to create jewelry that cannot be easily replicated at a glance.  I want to design my own niche market of specialty jewelry.  I want jewelry no one can easily make.  I want to create jewelry I can proudly wear.  I want to learn and practice new skills.  I want to have fun!

Enough.  I can go on for forever about the “I wants.”  What time is it?  Yikes!  It’s that late?  Click.  The light’s off.  Arms in front, I carefully creep to the bed.  Lying down, I pull the blankets over me.  Pause.  Well, at least I’m _trying_ to pull the blankets over my body.  Tug.  Pull.  The top comforter’s not moving.  Grrr……. Noel must’ve tucked and rolled the comforters under his body.  He’s happily snoring and I’m not happy.  It’s cold!  Scooting my body closer to Noel’s warmth, I carefully lay the available corner of the comforter over my body.  Curling my body into a ball, I tuck my pillows and stuff toys to keep out the cold.  I don’t want to wake Noel.  Noel’s got work and I don’t. 

Father God, thank you for this life.  Thank you for so many ideas to keep me occupied.  Thank you for the lack of boredom while being stuck at home.  Thank you for allowing me to find a potential niche market in jewelry that is fully unique, fun and requires lots of new hand-on skills. 

God, I don’t know if I’ll be able to execute my ideas, but I do know that you’ve blessed me with the ability to work with my hands and a mind that likes to creatively analyze situations.  I _think_ I’ll be able to produce the ideas I have in my head… after all, most, well actually all, of my projects started as concepts in my head.  I tell myself “I can do this” and then go for it.  Father… I don’t seem to know the words “I can’t.”  I get these crazy big ideas… and then I want to make the ideas reality.

Lord, I know I make a lot of mistakes along the way, but I thank you for so many opportunities to try new things.  Working on cars, crazy backyard projects, kitchen floors and cabinets, doors and now jewelry… Lord God, thank you for blessing me with lots of tools to play with!  Thank you that I have eyes that can see and hands that still work.  Thank you that even as my body is so much weaker from the chemotherapy, I can still do so much!

Lord, may my life, my hands, my heart bring you glory and honor and praise.  May all the work I do be a reflection of the joy I have walking with you.

Thank you, Father God, for this life, for my husband, Noel, for my family, for my friends.  For being so richly blessed, in Jesus’ name, I praise my Father in heaven.  Amen.

Noel sleeping... see the time?

Happy birthday, Joan!

These are the earrings I recently made:

Finding Something to Do

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Strong.  Weak.  Strong.  Weak.  I really hate flip-flopping.  Well, honestly, I'd rather switch between two extreme physical capabilities in comparison to being stuck in my weak state.

I believe that my issue is the fact I'm not weak all the time.  I find myself constantly looking forward to the time when I get strong again and plan for that eventuality. Problem: I have a very difficult time dealing with my lack of strength. Always looking forward limits my ability to deal with the present.

As I lay here, my body is relaxed.  For once, I'm actually resting.  Usually, if my mind is alert, I try to push my physical limits, see what I can do.  Today, not happening.  Why you ask?  Well, I totally learned my lesson yesterday.

Yesterday, we celebrated my sister-in-law's birthday.  I so wanted to make cookies, help Noel clean and prep the house... a thousand-and-one things to make our place more inviting.  Did I do any of it?  Nope!  It's not like I didn't try... just getting downstairs and crawling onto the couch wiped me out. Sitting in a chair, I didn't even last half-an-hour!  Poor Noel did all the cleaning, planning, prepping, cooking.  Me?  Absolutely nothing!  The sad things is, I _couldn't_ do anything.

Finally acknowledging my weakness, I am declaring that I will live using minimal strength today.  *smirk*  For once, I'll actually declare my intention to stay down!

Okies... Now that I've decided... Hmmmm... What can I do?  You didn't expect me to sleep all day did you?  Rolling my head right... nothing there. Left? Ohhhh... now that's something I haven't seriously done in a while!  *wide grin*

Crawling out of bed, I grab a clear plastic container.  Dragging myself on hands and knees, I crawl back under the blankets.  Snap.  Snap.  I open the lid of my hefty plastic container.  Pouring out the contents, I quickly shuffle the items across my lap.  Yes, everything is scattered _all_ over the entire comforter surface.  Pliers here.  Beads there: transparent plastics, crystals, semi-precious and real stones of assorted colors and sizes. Silver: wires, hooks, hoops. Other stuff: bleah, no need to even look.  I've got way too much crap accumulated over the years and rarely used.  Well, time to use it!

Lord, thank you for my pack-rat nature that provided today's activity.  Thank you that I was able to sit for a couple hours to play with beads and wires without getting frustrated by my immobility. Thank you for eyes that can see fine details.  Thank you for hands strong enough to work wire and nimble enough to use pliers. Thank you, Lord, for a mind full of creative ideas and the ability to execute those concepts.

Father God, thank you that instead of whining about being weak and tired; today, I was able to have a lot of fun!  In Jesus' name, I raise my voice in praise, amen.

2 days later...

Now what to do with all the stuff I made?  I've made 10 earrings of all different colors, shapes and sizes: green, pink, purple, blue, pearl... guess I'll try that site: Etsy.com.  If I can sell this stuff, then I'll have more money to buy more materials.  *smirk*  More materials means more skills I can learn and apply.  More skills means more stuff I can make.  More stuff I can make leads to more time used productively to keep me occupied while I'm stuck at home.  What do you think?

If you're interested in what I made, you'll find it under "enchantress79" at "Land of Dreams"

Why such fluffy titles?

Well, "enchantress79" is a combination of my eBay identification from my old selling days and my racing numbers.  "leadf00t" just doesn't quite look or sound appropriate for selling jewelry.

My Etsy shop is titled "Land of Dreams" because today is a good day where I got the opportunity to reassess my creative skills beyond work, sports activities, reading or anything church-related.  Today, I am blessed with the opportunity to jump back into my childhood dreams and ask myself "if I were *fill-in-the-blank*, what would I wear or have?"  A princess would wear what type of earrings?  An elegant lady?  A child who enjoys sparklies?  Then beyond jewelry, I am capable of making costumes.... how about a Renaissance girl's bodice?  A traveler's fur-edged cape?  A cute stuff toy pillow?   I want my Etsy account to encompass my creative passions if I ever decide to make stuff for sale. *wide grin*  I'm lazy... set the groundwork now and never have to do it again.

This year is gonna be another crazy, God-filled, inspiring year.  I can feel it.  *wide grin*  Gotta love this life... when one thing stops, even more endless opportunities open up!  Let's see what else life throws this way.  Bring it!

Happy New Year!!!

Like the mess I made?  It's even worse now as I pull more stuff out!  Half this stuff I bought in high school or college and never used until today.  =O

Called to Serve?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I get an email asking if I want to help serve in our young adult fellowship, Transparent, as a small group leader.  My immediate internal response is "NO!"  I don't want more stuff on my plate... I'm having fun rockclimbing and socializing with friends from church, work and my neighborhood.  Really... I don't want any more responsibilities.  *tsk tsk*

As my finger twitches over the reply button, I freeze.  What's making me hesitate?  *deep sigh*  Well, I know that I want to serve God with my whole life... but I also know that I want time to myself.  I want my personal space.  I don't want to add on more responsibilities, time drains, mandatory meetings, long drives, crazy events and even more people time (I'm a total introvert, people time drains me!).  Why in the world would I ever want to step into Transparent leadership that honestly doesn't spark my interest?  But since I've been asked... I need to properly pray and ask God what he wants me to do.... where he wants me to serve.

Lord, if you want me to be small group leader in Transparent, please give me the heart for it.  I have the heart to serve you, God, but right now I don't really want to give up my time to serve in an area that will definitely wear on me.  Lord, but I know that when I follow you, impossibly great things happen. So before I go ahead and answer on my own, I want to ask you what you want for me to do.  Lord, if you want me to be a small group leader in Transparent, give me excitement for the task.  Give me a joy and a purpose in serving.  Give me direction, ideas, a goal to work towards.  Father, I've got until the end of this year to decide.  So please, before then, can you give me an answer?  I know that if you change my heart from where it is now, then you've clearly called me.  On the other hand, Lord, if I cannot find excitement and passion to become a small group leader, I will decline the honor of the position.

Thank you Lord, knowing that whatever comes in the future, it will be more than just good!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Running towards me, an excited youth cries out "Kristy, Kristy!  I hear that Noel's going to become a youth counselor again!  Does that mean you're coming back too?"

"Sorry," I reply, "God hasn't called me to rejoin Footprints as a youth counselor."  *sad face*

I love working alongside the kids and love working besides Noel... but every time I pray about if I should rejoin the youth team, I don't hear a positive answer from God, I don't feel anything extra besides my own wants.  I can't feel a specific goal or purpose to be in Footprints with the youth.  *sad sigh* I would love to work with the youth again... every Sunday, a spark lights up when I talk, laugh and play with them... I really miss it.  But where does God want me?  Serving and creating community at work, hanging out with girls at church, mentoring young adults... these are what I'm spending most of my time on.  I'm super busy, but something's still missing.  What is it?  *puzzled look*

I know that I want to serve in the church again... but where?  How?  In what way?  My vacation time is almost over.  *wry grin*

My heart is for the youth I've grown up alongside these past 5-6 years.  I'm sad that when so many youth go off to college, they come back feeling lost, the environment changes... new people are present and others are gone.  Upon coming back to church, the new young adults are encouraged to participate in the young adult group, Transparent.  However, many never make the transition from Footprints to Transparent.  Why?  The two groups are very different in culture, attitude, people.  It's scary and uninviting to step into a new world when feeling like this should be "home."  I want to bridge that gap!

Towards the goal of bridging the youth to young adult gap, Noel and I host monthly dinner parties with games at our home to help keep the local college students plugged-in with each other.  Recently, we've also started hosting random dinner and game parties at our home when the non-local college students return home.  To spice things up, Noel and I are planning a Nerf War & Dinner Party at church on December 29th with the purpose of melding youth and returning college students and young adults into an event hosted by multiple age groups.  *excited*

For the Nerf War & Dinner Party, I want to specifically create a place where talking isn't the primary event; instead, the primary focus of the night is teamwork, community, respect and physical interaction.  I crave for this upcoming large event to break down barriers of discomfort between people of different ages who may not know each other well.  I want to provide a common topic of conversation, a place of challenge and multiply opportunities for encouragement.  Then too, there's dinner.  Dinner's purpose is teamwork.  Everyone needs to help clean-up the Nerf equipment, organize tables and chairs and then make won tons and spring rolls.  The primary reason for these specific dinner foods is so that the people present can learn and teach each other how to cook (life-skill) while allowing for laughter and flexibility in the the end product.  Furthermore, everyone needs to work together in order to have a meal to eat... the other option is to go hungry.  Am I cruel or what?  *smirk*

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Last night: successful completion of the Nerf War & Dinner Party!

I "encouraged" everyone to help clean-up, even those who don't regularly come to our church and are invited as friends.  *wide grin*  I called people by name and pulled on sleeve after sleeve issuing specific tasks:  return all the tables and chairs to their original location, hunt down every Nerf ammo including checking closets and underneath furniture in a specific area, wiping dirty tables, washing dishes and wiping floors.  *evil grin*  After a very major and thorough clean-up, I hope everyone who participated in last night's activities will leave with a sense of accomplishment, fulfilled purpose, teamwork, laughter and new memories to share.  Hopefully in church today, people who just returned from distant colleges and participated in last night's event will have Nerf war stories to tell, excitement in meeting teammates and opponents, and most of all... everyone who took part in last night's activities will feel a diminished sense of discomfort in coming back to a place that is "supposed to be home" and yet...  has changed.

Ummmmm... the youth who graduate from high school also graduate from Footprints.  These future new young adults are offered the chance to join with the young adult group in Transparent; however, the gap in culture is too wide from one group to the next... very few make the transition and may eventually feel unwanted or lost.  I don't want that to happen!  This gap is where I am most passionate about bridging. 

So where can I go and what can I do? 

With Noel going to Footprints as a youth counselor, he will be the link into Footprints.  Where is the link into Transparent?  The only person I can think of to fill that roll is... maybe me?  If I participate in Transparent... I can change and prep the culture of the young adults in Transparent and the youth I currently interact with to meld the two groups together.  I want to make the transition from Footprints to Transparent more welcoming, less shocking... to create events with the intention of bridging two very different groups in a safe-feeling, natural format.  Will just being a small group leader do?  Will I eventually need to step into an even higher level of leadership?  *deep sigh* What am I getting myself into?  Where is God leading me this time?

Father God, I want to serve you... I want to grow the youth you've placed into my life (even ones who are now adults).  I want to create a place of belonging... a place of safety each one can return to to find peace, community, friendship, advice, laughter, support and hope.  Lord, wherever you call, I will follow.  Whatever it takes... my time, my life... I will go.  Lord, as you call... give me the wisdom, courage, energy, passion... everything I need and more... to follow you.  I will not do this on my own... may my choices and my passion follow your lead.  When the time and place is right, may you open doors, prepare the path and open my heart to accept it.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

New Challenge, Old Struggle

 What is an addiction?  Dependency?  Craving?  Need?  Obsession?  Habit?
 What do I have when it comes to reading?


Thursday, November, 29, 2012

Location: Transparent (young adult) girls' group

Around and around the spindle goes... Where will it land?  Slowing to a stop, everyone leans in to read this week's challenge: "fasting and prayer."

*grimace*  Prayer's okay... That's talking to God and I tend to do that a lot anyways.  So what's the problem?  Well, I _hate_ fasting!  I'm no good at it!  This week's challenge is totally my weak point!  *deep sigh*

The purpose of fasting is to set aside something (usually not something easy to do) and use that time, or craving, as a cue to pray.  So what can I give up for this week?  Not eating... Well, I _love_ eating, but that's not my most difficult thing to give up.  So what do I do most during my free time?  I read manga or books.  Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  I don't wanna give up reading!  However, to honor God, I feel that I need to forgo something I truly treasure.  The time that I gain, the cravings that I will confront, this time of internal strife will be my cue to pray, my time to refocus on spending time with God.

Inside, I feel that if I really REALLY want to honor God with a truly appropriate fast, I need to give my treasure... my best.

Lord, I've tried to think what else I can fast with... Food, how I do my work, time I spend on various things... But no matter what options I come up with, I keep feeling that to give up reading manga AND reading novels is what I cling most to, the thing I'm most unwilling to let go; and therefore, the most important option to choose for my week-long fast.

Help me!  Lord God, you know how deep-rooted my fixation to reading is... This crazy driving obsession to read every spare moment I have.  Lord, you've helped me manage most of my cravings in regards to reading.  I notice my struggle most when I'm at home, in the quiet, during my free time.  Do I do chores or read?  Do I spend time with Noel or read?  Do I take care of the cats or read?  Do I sleep or read?  In all of my daily choices, the chance to read even a page or two, takes on a very high priority.

Father, every spare moment of my time and my thoughts falls into a fantasy land of another person's creative imagination.  So often, I feel that I'm fighting an uphill battle and loosing every single step of the way.  I don't find fulfillment nor peace in reading... It doesn't fill this black hole inside of me, a raving pit of insanity, uncontrollable frustration... But Lord, I've experienced peace, joy, fulfillment, calm and freedom when I sink deeply into your presence... So knowing all this, help me, Lord God, Father of Jesus, to seek you first over my twisted dependency on living in a dream world of another's creation.  I'm stuck... incapable of freeing myself.  Lord, I need you here with me!  Be my strength.  Be my reasoning as I swim through periods of insanity, clawing cravings, and treacherous attempts at self-justification!  Father, I call you "Lord," may you be the true living Lord of my life.

God, I know that any sacrifice you call for me to take up... that it isn't for my loss, but instead to gain more of you, to be set apart so I can know you more, to attain your best for me when I can't even grasp and control my own life.  I don't know why something so innocuous as reading is my addiction, my bondage, my chain... But it is.  Lord, you've freed me before, please free me once again!

In the name of Jesus, as both God and Son, I pray, amen.


Friday, November 30, 2012

Failure.

I keep myself occupied by rockclimbing after work, getting home after Noel is home, watching anime with my husband, but there's always spare time.  A little unoccupied free time before going to bed. Read manga?  I can't!  My fingers are itching to read manga on my iPad!  Telling myself I won't read, I open my iPad... Then somehow, I'm in iBooks checking out a newly downloaded novel.  One justification after another... In the blink of an eye, I realize I read 8 chapters!

Guilt.  Anger.  Frustration.  Disappointment.  Shame.

Shouldn't it be easy not to read?  What happened to keeping my word or even wanting to honor God? I feel pitiful.  The craving, the pull is so strong... Funny right?  Addiction to reading.  *sarcasm*  I feel stupid.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The iPad lays quietly by my bedside.  Without a second thought, I flip open my iPad's protective cover.  So easy!  Oh hey... There's a new manga!  The update symbol is present.  I wonder what manga is new?  How about I check which manga it is?  Noooooo!  I CANNOT keep slipping!  I feel miserable enough in my struggles and in my failures.  Each time I turn away from reading is a victory... Each failure feels like a landslide.  Pain.  Anger.  Frustration.  Self-hatred.  Guilt.

Even as I type this blog, part of me is itching to slide my fingers or push a button to check the novels I have stored in iBooks or peek at the newly updated manga... Just a peek!  No!  Keep typing, keep struggling, keep fighting!

Lord God, you are the only one worth this fight, this internal struggle... Lord, only for you and through you do I even have this strength, this purpose, this determination to be more than I am.  Only for you, Jesus, for the ability to walk besides you, for the chance to know more of you do I even bother to confront this super-difficult personal challenge for the freedom you so freely offer.  Only for my Lord who is worthy, the creator of all.  Only for you, God, will I let go of my treasures... knowing that to die to myself, my wants, my cravings, my obsessions is to gain more, not just in heaven, but that with this fast, I am being blessed here and now.  So Lord, I praise your name and ask that in this battle of my heart, my time, my mind... that you open my eyes to see your blessings and that those blessings will enable me to face myself with peace.  To once again gain freedom from the chains of my obsession with reading.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Dirty Work

Monday, November 12, 2012

A couple days ago, I got this bright idea to clean and re-seal the main bathtub's shower doors.  Well, our home is over 25 years old and the sealant in the tub has probably never been replaced.  Edged in black mold, two areas under the shower door appear to leak rust-colored water after showers. *shudder*  Not clean!!!

Knowing myself, I'm way too lazy to undertake a project by myself.  Currently, the weather is cold and the sky is overcast, my tendency is to hibernate. *Sheepish grin*   To encourage myself (and to make sure I don't back out on this shower door project), I ask my friend, Annie, for help.  She so nicely agrees to spend Veteran's Day (Monday, November 12) doing a very.... Ummmmmmmm...... inglorious project. Does she know what she's getting herself into?  Do I know what I'm getting myself into?

Come Monday afternoon... It's COLD!  Heheheeeeee.... I know's it's afternoon already, but the air feels crisp with a bright cold snap.  The sun shines bright, so I crawl into a small patch of sunlight; unfortunately, the sun is not enough to warm my skin.  Brrrrrrrr.... So cold!  Annie's coming soon.  It is so NOT fair if she has to get out of bed, drive over to my home to help only to find me huddled in bed.  No good!  Okay, Kristy, out of bed and get ready to face the day.  *sigh*

After a warm lunch, Annie and I prepare to start. Screwdrivers, two, check.  Razorblades, check.  Caulk, check.  Metal pokey thing for fine-point scraping, check.  Gloves, check.  Mask, check.  Ready?  Maybe and maybe not.  *shrug*  I'll never know until I start.... and then, it's too late.  *grimace*

Taking the shower doors off required lifting the whole top frame assembly with the doors hanging on it... then sliding the door sideways out of the frame.  Bottom of the doors are black and slimy from unmentionable gunk mixed with mold.  Unscrewing the side frames and bottom bracket... easy.  It's the next part I shudder to think too much about.  Hidden behind the gold-colored metal is white caulk edged in black mold.  Ewwwww!

Annie and I drag the shower door pieces outside.  Sitting in the cold sun, scrubbing and chiseling at mold coated rubber, spraying chill water, Annie and I work diligently to finish, clean and dry each piece of the shower door.  Leaving the separate components outside to completely air dry, we trudge back inside.  Heads bending low, we use flat-head screwdrivers and razors to scrape away the old sealant.  Ick... more gunk.

About 5 hours from start to almost-finish... we have sealed the bathtub edge, placed the shower door frame back in place and resealed everything in sight!

Lord Father in heaven, thank you for such a great friend... one who tirelessly worked beside me and encouraged me to properly complete this project.  Thank you, Father, for just enough caulk to reseal everything!  Lord, the shower door's still sitting on the side because we hit a glitch.  The bottom frame of the shower door doesn't quite touch the tub's edge so I squeezed more caulk there.  Now, it's Wednesday, the abnormally thick layer of caulk isn't curing well in this cold weather.  Thank you, Lord God, that we have another shower in this household to use.  *wide grin*

Lord, can you please seal the bathtub and door with it's frame properly for me?  I jump into these projects knowing the theory behind what to do, but rarely do things go perfectly smoothly... so Lord, I ask that you minimize my mistakes and give me wisdom in what to do.  Should I scrape out the thick sealant, add a rubber filler and then reseal?  Or should I just wait a couple more days in hopes that the caulk will be able to seal itself?  *deep sigh*  Lord, I ask for your wisdom and your blessings on this "simple" shower door project.  I place my worries and my cares into your capable hands... and I NEVER want to have to redo this bathtub again in the next 10 years!  Please?  =O

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Pumpkin Carving

Sunday, Oct 28, 2012

Today is the big day! 

Noel, Melissa and I have been constantly praying for God to bless this pumpkin carving event: weather, location, people coming, our attitudes, enough food and drinks... that everyone who comes will have fun, meet new people, expand our neighborhood community... and my personal worry, that God will provide enough pumpkins!

Lord Father, my head's a jumbled mess.  I'm super excited today... for what you will do, who you will bring, the people I will get to meet or even just the opportunity to deepen friendships!  Part of me is worried about how many pumpkins we have.  Other parts of me are concerned about having the right set-up, enough tables and chairs so that everyone coming can feel comfortable, welcome, and relax.  Lord God, I have no idea how this whirlwind event will turn out, but you definitely made this day possible!  The sun's out, the air is warm, a cool breeze floats through the trees.  Outside, quiet and peace prevail.  In my nervousness, my thoughts are jumping around... Do I have enough utensils?  How about food?  Drinks?  Ahhhhh... part of me knows everything will turn out great!  But another part of me worries that I'm missing something.  I dread the start of the event, but I'm also sooooo looking forward to the fun!  Basically, I feel that I'm pulled in two directions, one knowing that you, Lord Father, will provide... and another part worrying about if I've fully prepared my part.

So Lord, I ask that you give me peace, joy, a fun-loving attitude, a heart to serve, wisdom to take care of whatever unplanned circumstances happen... Lord, I give this day and this event into your hands.  My initial intention is always to serve you first... and I know that when I serve you, Father, you provide and guide everything else... so Lord, help me to let go and be who you've called me to be today... to be who you've made me to be as I serve you and not myself.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.



Set-up... a little rough.  I should've planned the even layout.
Food, drinks, utensils, tables and chairs... no problems!  God provided everything we needed and more!
Pumpkins... totally had extra left... so much that I returned a bunch.

Weather... beautiful sunlight, breeze, cool shade.
People... got to know my friends and neighbors better... super fun time hanging out.  I especially loved dunking my arms up to the elbow in soapy water to create bubbles!


Lord Father, looking back... all my worries and fear... useless!  I feel so silly wondering about the logistics of the event, how the event will play out, wondering who will come.  The heavy weight of my fears now feel insignificant as you have taken care of all potential issues.  Father God, thank you for the blessings of a super fun day, a time to serve and be served by others, a day to share in laughter and memories, and even new friends who stayed a LONG time to help clean-up.

In Jesus' name a thank you, God, amen.

Ready, Set, Fail...

Monday, August 13, 2012

*alarm music* 

Fumbling for my cellphone, aka daily alarm clock, I turn the alarm off.  I'm surprisingly awake and feel very well rested.  Hurray!!!  I glance at the time... okay, it's 7:30am.  Roll out of bed, brush my teeth, grab my food... and I should be out the door in 20 minutes (30 minutes max if I go play with the cats).  Nice!  I'll get to work early... start giving my best effort and best foot forward.  Today's the day I want to start serving above and beyond!  I'm going to use the things I learned in the leadership course and figure out how to apply it.  Inside, I'm totally excited!  *wide grin*

As I roll around in bed, mentally preparing myself for the day to come.... ummmmm, something feels off.  What is it?  Hmmmm... it's middle of the hour so I've still got time.  What's wrong?  *shrug*  I can't quite put my finger on it.  Ah well, it'll come to me.  *grimace*  I don't need to get to work until 7:30am anyways. 

Frozen for a moment, I hastily grab my cell phone to check the time... it's 7:37am.  Shoot!  I'm supposed to be _at_ work by 7:30!!!  There goes my goal to get to work on time.  *deep sigh*  Fingers trembling, I dial work.  "I'll be late today... probably get to work by 8:30am... Sorry."

At work, I arrive and swipe in at 8:15am.  *tsk tsk*  Sure I got to work "early."  Sure I'm going to be better than I usually am... *wry grin*  On the day I want to start my new personal transformation project is the day I screw up even _more_ than usual.  The impact of my tardy arrival to work led to another therapist having to start work early to cover for me.  The effects of my lateness is more pronounced than my usual getting to work 5-7 minutes late.  *grimace*

Lord God, I totally messed up today!  I forgot to change the alarm I set for the leadership conference back to my work schedule and got to work super late!  Even though I started work frazzled, thank you, Father, for refocusing me on work.  Thank you for helping me perform my patient treatments with efficiency, giving me a steady hand and guiding me through my still unfinished stack of paperwork.  *sheepish grin*  And Lord, even more than this... I thank you so much for friends at work who are willing and able to assist me when I screw up, to take my patients when I'm not there and when I run behind.  Thank you, Father God, that work is a place I thoroughly enjoy! 

Lord, I ask that in the face of failure, you provide me the strength and focus to not give up, to not let disappointment weigh me down or immobilize me.  That if I keep screwing up, Lord, help me to reorganize my life in a way that honors you as I struggle to change myself and my bad habits.  Thank you, Lord, that even as I fail over and over again, you'll walk beside me.  Someday, as I keep forging forward with you by my side, I know that I can create new good habits.

In Jesus' name I thank you and pray, amen.


Tomorrow is going to be a new day with new challenges.  =D

Preparing a message

Friday, July 27, 2012

This year, for the summer session in our Footprints! youth group, the youth counselors are assigned to lead a session.  We're splitting the guys and the girls into separate groups.  The guys are led by a male counselor and the girls are led by a female counselor.  The intention of these sessions are to address topics along the lines of "Being Godly Men and Women" (I think... *smirk*).  The male/female sessions don't have to be on the exact same topic.  In fact, we're splitting the guys and girls specifically to address different issues that may occur between or because of the two genders.  After the message/discussion comes a practical and fun activity unique to each group.

My assigned session was initially planned for August 10th, but because of another church event, my part will be pushed back into September sometime.  I'm handling the girls and my husband, Noel, will handle the guys.  Our topic will be along the line of personal (physical) boundaries.

What in the world does "personal boundaries" mean?  How am I going to give a message about this topic?  What verses will I use?  How can I make an impact using props to get the message across?  It's so easy to tell stories and give advice... but how much of that advice and story will make an impact enough to change lives _before_ problems occur?

Looking back even now, it's easy to think things like "that situation happened to her, but won't happen to me" or "my situation is different from his, so what happened to him will never happen to me!"  So how can I give a message that will break through the "it'll never happen to me" attitude?

Praying for the past month-and-a-half, slowly God, Noel, and I are working out the kinks in our individual messages.  Noel's message will be along the lines of guys protecting the girls.  It's going to be a different twist on the topic... but I can't tell you what it is until after the message.  *so excited*  Wish I could sit in on the guy's talk!

For the girls' portion, I want to address the tendency to give our bodies as gifts to the guy we like.  A touch here, a touch there... what that does to our spirit, what a single touch can lead to... I want the girls to know that their bodies are precious, temple of God's Spirit, and should be saved for their future husband.  Not just that, I want my youth girls to gain a clear, practical, understanding of WHAT consequences each choice they make has... and that everything the girls do or say _is_ a choice.  The decision to speak up, to stay silent, to allow a touch, to stay in a situation... all of that is a choice.  To feel hopeless or to not make a choice is a choice... there's no such thing as "I don't have a choice."  Each decision, action.... there needs to be responsibility and acknowledgement of potential consequences.  I will not make the choices for my youth girls, they will each make their own... their life is is _their_ choice, their mistakes to make... *scary*  I want the best for my youth kids, but I can't _make_ them do anything... I can only pray that my message will open their eyes, even if only a little bit, to protect them in their future, to give joy... and because of the salvation available through Jesus Christ, to give my girls hope.

I know what props I'm gonna use (can't tell you yet because some of my youth kids are reading this and I want the night to be a surprise).  I know that I want to talk about my physical boundaries (or lack of it) growing up and their consequences.  I want to talk about choices I made that placed me in situations where I got physically assaulted.  Then, I want to discuss how, even with the stain of being molested, God took that hurt and tarnish out of my spirit.

For the night's activity, me and the other female counselors will teach our youth girls basics of self-defense.  *wide grin*  I'm so excited... and today, after praying... I found the Bible verse that gave me an additional idea in how I want to give my message.  Hurray!!!  I'll probably use a portion of Romans 8:1-11... not quite sure what portion(s)... maybe something in this part of the Bible?  Either way, this verse provided an improved idea in how to use my props and gifts to my youth girls.  =D *happy*

Father God, thank you so much for your love!  I give this future message, my intentions, my words and attitude into your care.  May this message that Noel and I give really make a lasting impact on our youth.  Father God, please open eyes and ears to hear your words, your intentions for us, your love for us.  Give Noel and I the wisdom in what we say and do... please continue to piece together the message, the props we use, the pacing... everything I/we give into your more than capable hands. 

And Lord, please also help with tonight's Footprints! message.  Unexpectedly, I'm going to be leading... but I don't have everything planned!  Lord, please step in and handle tonight... may we, as a group, be able to hear you clearly as we learn more about discerning your voice.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen!

Here's what I'm using for tonight's message guideline... my friend gave this to me:


I leave you with these verses:

Romans 8:31-32 (ESV)
What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:37-39 (NIV)
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death no life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anythings else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.