(un)Bound

I'm bored.  Well, that's not true.  I just don’t want to work on any of the projects I have lined up.  *wide grin* 

Flopping backwards on my bed, I flip open my laptop.  Let’s see… what should I look for?  Clicking on one tab to another, I surf the web.  I watch a little YouTube about refractory ovens, watch metal get melted, learn more about making jewelry, watch some survival technique videos, learn how to start fires and tan leather.  Then, the next thing I find myself doing is hunting through Amazon and eBay for materials in new projects I want to start up. 

At the corner of my eye, I notice the section of recommended stuff Amazon so nicely places to entice me to buy more.  Oh hey, there’s manga here that I’ve never seen before!  *drool*  I have not read manga for a couple months now.  Surprisingly, the hard-hitting cravings I used to feel aren’t strong... more like a constant dull ache. 

Since I was about 9 or 10 years of age, I've read novels or stories for multiple hours each day.  I’ve stopped maybe a week at a time, never losing the sense of gnawing need, but fighting hard to keep away and then failing.  My longest stint of non-reading is 40 days for lent a couple years ago… but never have I experience truly being free from reading until now.  By walking closer with God and putting him first in my decisions, I feel truly free.  I have more time, more hope, more joy, more satisfaction and more peace with my life than ever before.  No more heavy sense of guilt or pounding pressure.  Yay!!!

Casually, I click on a manga I’ve never heard of.  Eyes scanning, I read the synopsis.  Clicking the next manga, I read more.  By the time I realized what was happening, my eyes and hands were already busy hunting down the next interesting story.  Even just reading the short back-cover descriptions, the cravings hit me hard.  I _need_ to read more.  I don’t want to stop reading.  I can feel the chains coiling around my heart and around my mind.  My hands automatically move, my eyes scroll right and left.  My sense of self start to disappear into a deep black pit.  Stop.  STOP!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to be back where I was before!

The deeper I dive into my cravings, the larger the monster inside me grows.  Hunger.  Need.  A senseless wave of compulsion.  Self-hatred.  Loss of control.  I feel defeated, enslaved.

I have two choices; I can choose to feed the gnawing hunger inside and temporarily calm the thrumming in my head; or, I can choose to seek Christ and take comfort in the fact that while I dwell in his presence, I am already satisfied and the cravings can’t get to me.  In the presence of Jesus Christ, I can find peace, freedom, and gain the choice in what to do with my time, my mind, my heart.

God, HELP!!! 

Please bring the curtain of safety down over my head and my heart.  Lock my eyes and my hands away from feeding this raving monster inside.  I’m scared of losing control again.  I don’t want to feel bound to reading in order to satisfy the endless hole in myself.  Lord Jesus, please fill the void that draws me to seek satisfaction away from you.  Please calm the grasping, churning, turmoil inside my body. I forgot the bondage and pain of being drawn into reading; reading past the point of enjoyment and into a prison of hopelessness, loss of control, guilt, and fear.

Lord, bring me close to your side.  Protect me from myself.  Teach me how to enjoy reading again without being bound by it. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Here's a picture of my co-worker and I attempting to walk in a sample 10XL pair of scrub pants:

Holding Back, Moving Forward

Time flies in the blink of an eye.  Work.  Eat.  Sleep.  Repeat.

By now, I had hoped to be back at work full-time.  I mean, come on... it's been 6 months since the last chemotherapy injection! 

Accepting the fact that my body cannot handle full-time work, I concede to working only 8-hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I was hoping that by May, or at the very latest, start of June, I could return to work full-time.  I want to be a productive, fully present, member of the team at work.

Hasn't happened yet.

Every time I say that I feel stronger and I tell myself "if next week remains steady, I'll add in those extra 8 hours a week and finally work myself back to full-time!"  *super hopeful look*

Nope... every time I even _think_ something about increasing my working hours, my body rebels by telling myself it's tired.  *deep sigh*  So yeah... I'm still on 8-hours for 3 days a week.

"Rest is good."

"Your body's gone through a lot."

"Just be patient a little longer."

Easy being told, but hard to hear because there's no end in sight.  Try living this lifestyle when there's a thousand-and-one things you want to do!  I still haven't gone rockclimbing yet.  I haven't played paintball since last November!  No matter what anyone tells me, I'm getting pretty impatient with myself.

But on the positive side, I am able to do more daily activities such as cooking one or two meals a week, cleaning up a little after myself, and just sitting up with Noel to watch a movie.  The basics in life.  Simple pleasures.  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for allowing me to work part-time at my job.  Thank you that I am able to consistently work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays almost this entire month!  Thank you that I can do a little more than pure bed-rest on my days off.

 Hurray!!!

Lord, I ask for your wisdom in ramping up my activity levels.  I ask for increasing endurance to look ahead and keep moving.  I ask for the joy of abiding in you as I live day by day.  I ask for strength to continue testing my limits.  I ask for rest so I don't drop with fatigue.  I ask for the courage to keep pushing ahead.  I ask for health so I don't catch a cold.

Don't let me get lazy or complacent. Don't let me be content with what I am physically capable of doing.  Don't let me stagnate in my daily life.

Father, this life you've given me is really amazing!  Help me continue to enjoy each day.  Open my eyes to see the beauty in this life and this lifestyle.  Let me focus on you instead of myself. Give me the strength to use my weakness.  Give me the hope of seeing you in every part of my life.  Brighten my heart so that darkness has no place.  Hold me tight so I don't stray from your side.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Have a great week everyone!  I wrote three different potential blog posts, but ended up going with this one because my brain isn't thinking clearly enough to edit.  Heheheeee... *sheepish grin*

Recently, I'm playing with my newly acquired silver chains and synthetic opals.  The deep sparkle of these opals reminds me that life is more than just what I can and cannot do... what's below the surface matters.  So long as I have God's Spirit shining in my life, my life will never be dull.  Yay!!!  =D

Mika's sleeping on me.... ahhhhhh, can't get up!

Every Moment Counts

Noel is coming home.  Hurray!!!!  He’s arriving tonight after a week in Hawaii. I get two precious days with him before sending him off again for a couple of days in San Diego. Two days. Time is ticking.

Sitting in my car, I wait for Noel’s call.  I’m in a parking lot with other cars, all waiting for the signal that the person we came to pick-up is here.  Other cars come and they go.  Where’s Noel’s call?  *ring ring*  Yes!  He’s here!  Wait 5 minutes then come?  Okay.  I should pick you up at the end of the arrival area?  Sure!

I wait close to 4 minutes.  Long enough.  Time to go see my husband!  Driving over to the arrival area, I cruise until I see a break in all the cars.  Should I park here?  Naw, Noel said end of the line of cars.  Ummmm, after the break in the cars picking up passengers, I pass a bunch of taxis.  After the taxis, there’s no parking/pick-up area.  Grrrr… that first opening I saw was probably the pick-up area Noel wanted me to go for.  Nooooooo!

Frustrated and irritated, I step on the gas.  I have to circle the whole airport and redo the pick-up situation.  My meeting with Noel will be delayed and I have to deal with all these speed bumps and traffic lights.  *deep sigh*  This isn’t the attitude I wanted to greet my husband with.  I don’t want to waste my time and energy feeling bad.  What’s done is done.  Focus, I get to see Noel soon.  Kristy, pull yourself out of this mental pit, be positive!  I only have 2 days to spend with Noel, I don’t want to meet him all grumpy.  Cheer up!

I want to fully bask my husband's smile, his voice, the strength of his arms. Yay!  I'm so looking forward to having my husband home. My heart sings. My spirit dances. Thank you, Father God, for bringing my husband back to my side... Even just for a bit... Thank you for the opportunity to live by his side just a moment longer.

Father God, I thank you for this week.  That even with Noel away from home, you provided for my health.  Last week sucked and I was miserable, tired and not feeling my best.  This week, you gave me the energy to cook for myself while Noel’s gone.  I had the strength to play with two of my neighbors, teaching two girls how to make their own silver necklace using cutters, pliers, acid and even a flame torch!  I was able to make it through this work-week without dragging my feet in fatigue.  I successfully cooked for my friends from work without crashing.  This week is amazing!  Lord, thank you that even though I don’t know what my body is going to be like day to day, that you still provide for me above and beyond all my expectations. 

Lord, it’d be nice if I had this energy and strength all the time, or even the consistancy of knowing what days will be good and what days wouldn’t… but Lord, in whatever state my body ends up, I am blessed to see you always there for me… the good times and the bad.

Thank you, Lord, for this ability to know that I am blessed every single moment.  In the changing of my days, I can clearly see your provisions.  In my weakness, I get to lean on your strength.  In my strength, I get to celebrate the joy of being alive.  Each bit of time I have, every opportunity you give, I am blessed by you to really live this one life I’m given.  Help me not waste even a fraction of your blessings; I want it all.  Don’t let me miss out on how good life with you really is. 

Even as I crave comfort, consistancy, assurance of the future, strength, endurance and times of happiness… Lord, I thank you that I don’t always have those things so that I see you so much clearer and get to enjoy this life more fully.  So bring it on!  The life you want me to experience, how you want me to live, so be it.  So long as I get to be immersed in your love, your provisions, your power, your mercy, your very presence… this life is so worth it. 

I’ve gotta say, it really is true that even though my life is filled with so many ups and downs; overall, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been when I was healthy and physically independent.  Funny… to be able to say that being physically broken is a blessing.  Weird huh?

May you be blessed to know the joys of this life.  Be blessed by God eternal, to see the wonders of being alive in both the good times and the bad.  Until next week, take care!

 

Teaching two neighborhood kids how to make an opal necklace:

 

Honor & Respect

“Hey, Kristy, can I talk to you for a sec?”

My eyes open just a little wider.  Uh oh, I see a very serious look.  This conversation isn’t going to be an easy one is it?  Drawing a quiet and slow breath, I attempt to prepare myself.  My shoulders are tense.  Relax, this isn’t a fight.  I know when a topic is not to my liking, my automatic response is a defensive attitude.  When my guard goes up, I can’t hear what’s really being said.  My self-protection mechanism really doesn’t get me anywhere.  If I don’t consciously lower my internal walls, I’ll waste this opportunity.  *sigh*  Opportunity for what?  I don’t know.  I hate difficult conversations.  I’m scared of the unknown elements and landmines.  Can I run?  How about I hide in a corner and never move?  Did I do something horrible?  Did I offend?  Did I say something bad?

Deep breath in.  Slow breath out.  Kristy… chill out.  I can’t guess what I don’t know.  I can’t fix anything or avoid repeating the same whatever it is if I don’t listen!

This person has the guts to talk to me straight.  I really admire their courage.  It takes a lot to face someone regarding anything potentially unpleasant.  The easy route: avoidance.  Unfortunately, avoiding a situation or issue builds negativity and breeds additional problems.  With an internal toss of my head, I make my decision.  “Sure. What’s up?”

“There’s this issue…”  Imagine loud background noise.  You can’t hear.  And no, you can’t read my lips.  Only me, and the person talking to me, can hear this conversation.  *wink*  Not everything goes public.

Conversation ends.

Inside, I’m screaming “That’s not fair!  That wasn’t my intention!” 

For a moment, just a split second, my mind is overcome by this bubbling, churning, mass of darkness.  I want to lash out.  I want to fight back.  I want to justify my position.  I want to clarify my actions!

Rational thoughts and irrational emotions swirl, twisting inside.  Churning.  Knots forming tighter and tighter, ready to snap.  Suffocating blackness.  Struggling against chains.  Fighting within myself.  Sinking deeper.  Loosing reason.

Wait!  This person is acting as a mediator.  I’m hearing someone else’s point of view.  Life isn’t fair.  Community, people… everyone has their own option, their personal points of view.  We all step on toes, even unintentionally.  To live and work together, it can’t be all about me or what I believe is okay.

Arghhhhh… I know I should respect others, even if I don’t agree with their stance.  I know that even if I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, there’s something I did that’s perceived as wrong in another’s eyes.

Respect.

Honor.

How in the world am I supposed to act?  As a child of God and follower of Christ, what am I to do?  If I truly want to follow in Jesus’ footsteps and do the hard things that following Jesus as my Lord requires... my heart needs to change.  My goal should be to adjust my actions and words so that I don't cause another person to stumble in their journey or their outlook in following the same Jesus (1 Corinthians 8:10-13).  But by myself, with my own strength… I can’t do this.  I can’t do what I know Jesus would do.  To humble myself… I don’t want to bend.  My heart is to do my best to serve my God.  Being told that my actions are contrary to my service of the same God... that hurts.

Ah… Father God, right now, I don’t feel very humble or loving.  In fact, my hackles are up and I want to fight back screaming “unfair!”  Yet, reading 1 Corinthians chapters 8 and 9 in the Bible, you speak through Paul about actions; if my actions cause another to stumble, then don’t do it.  Lord, I don’t want to be a person who’s actions or words cause another to fall away from you.  Lord, you know my heart.  You know my intentions.  You know the reasons behind my actions.

Father, I’m trying my best to walk as Jesus did… I know I frequently fail, but because I love you most… what you call me to do, I will.  All my “rights,” what I am entitled to, even my pride… Father, I give everything into your hands.  May my life not be my own, but yours.  Father, use me as you will.  Guide me so I don’t become a stumbling block to others in their walk with you or as they come to know you.  May my actions, my words, my heart be a reflection of your Spirit and not mine.  Be my light, my peace, my heart.

Father God, I give you full control… control of my rights, my intentions, my actions.  Until you give me permission otherwise, I will not repeat the action that will cause this specific offense.  Help me to respect this person who also only intends to give you honor.  Give me the strength and courage and wisdom to honor and serve you, my God, above myself.  May my actions and heart be all-in and not of two minds.  May my words of living for you not be empty fluff.

Lord, I trust you to change and heal my heart.  I trust in your power to mediate this situation/issue.

Through the example of Jesus Christ, may my life please you, my Lord God… to you and for you alone will I bend.  Regardless of right or wrong, just or unjust… may my life glorify you first above all else.  In Jesus’ name, I ask that my choice of actions and my heart will bring you, my God, glory and honor.  Amen.

Shaping Hearts

Snick.  A small piece of wire goes flying across the dinner table onto the floor.  Scrabbling, I grab the silver wire before my cats can get to it.  Got it!  Holding up my prize, I crawl back to my chair.  Sitting down, I dig through my pile of pliers.  Finding my handy round-nose plier, I pinch the wire end.  With a firm twist of my wrist I form a curve.  Hmmmm, a little more curve needed.  There!  Carefully, I grab the wire and switch sides to curve the other end.  Let’s see, a little less curve here.  Done.

Dig.  Shuffle.  Shifting different pliers to one side, I finally find two of my favorite pliers.  Grabbing one plier in each hand, I pick up the tiny piece of silver.  Gently, I pinch the small silver wire between the arching curves.  With a deft twist of my wrist, I kink the wire so that the curving ends touch to form a heart.  Okay, the easy part’s done.

Shuffling through my messy pile of tools, I unearth a shiny flat keychain.  I didn’t want to spend money to buy a polished stainless steel anvil for hammering my silver, so I prayed for God to provide one.  While doing a little clean-up, I find my old Celica keychain near the front door.  Smooth, with a bright polished mirror-like finish and harder than a rock, this keychain makes the perfect anvil. *wide grin*

Laying my self-declared anvil on a chair, I carefully position the heart-shaped wire right in the center.  Even more gently, I cover the heart with my other self-proclaimed anvil, a pair of shiny stainless steel scissors.  Do you see a theme in my tools yet?  *smirk*

Slowly, I reach my right hand upwards.  Patting around, I wrap my fingers around a large wooden handle.  Thump.  The heart goes flying.  Laying the heavy metal mallet back onto the table, I chase after the skittering heart.  Now little heart, into the fire!  A bit of protective flux, a fragment of silver solder, my sister’s crème brulee torch… let’s attach this little heart to a 24 gauge silver wire.

After a the fire, the silver goes into the water to cool-off, acid to clean up any oxidization, rinsed off and hand-burnished using my handy steel scissors for a bright shine.  What’s all this work for?  A single, gently curved wire with a heart attached for an order of dangling teal fish earrings.  =D

This is the start of my new jewelry hobby and business.  Well, it’s not quite a regular business because I don't intend to set prices that will make me much money.  I want to be a good steward of the money I spend to make these silver items, but my main intention isn’t to make a profit.  If my intention really was to make money, I wouldn’t spend so much time on tiny details many people miss seeing or may not even appreciate.  I want each piece of jewelry I make to be a reflection of God’s many blessings in my life, both the easily noticeable and the easily ignored aspects.  The entire creation comes together to make the item what it is… just like my life, in all its parts both good and bad, makes me who and what I am today.

At the begining of my jewelry-making “business,” I invested quite a bit of money into buying silver and real gemstone beads.  For the longest time, I only received one sale by a friend on Etsy.  Inside, I felt scared and more than a bit sad.  Is my stuff not good enough?  It’s not like Noel and I are working… in fact, I’m on disability and Noel just lost his job.  Then there’s me, spending a large chunk of money.  So I prayed: “Father God, thank you for providing money and Noel’s support where I can step blindly out into making real silver jewelry.  But Lord, there’s a lot of money invested into this hobby of mine and nothing’s really selling.  Father, my intention is to use these jewelry pieces I create to share my story about your presence in my life.  I’m not sure how this will all work out, but keep my heart focus not on money, not on sales, but on you.  However, Lord, it’d be great to make back some of the money I already spent!”

In the 24 hours following this prayer, my sister displayed my earrings and bracelets at her workplace.  During that time, I received text after text from my sister requesting custom-made pieces: fish earring in this other color, an anklet with the orange and freshwater pearl as a charm, a kid’s bangle with angel charm, the teal fish earrings, take the blue fish earrings off etsy… on and on the orders rolled in until I prayed: “God, stop! I need time to catch up to all these incoming orders.  I appreciate the business, but I need a little time to organize all the information.  Help me manage my time and my resources to create these orders so that the individuals who ordered jewelry from me may be honored with my best work.  Lord, financially, I’m not out of the red yet, but please give me some space to finish this batch of jewelry first.”

Like I prayed, God answered. No additional orders arrived.

“Hey God, I’m ready again! I really want to buy a tumbler to polish my jewelry so I don't have to spend hours rubbing silver, I rather spend the time creating new stuff and trying new ideas.  I’d also love to buy a flex shaft rotary tool with a pedal to really smooth-out those hard-to-reach areas as I progress to making rings, bracelets and pendants.  But I want to buy these items out of the profits from selling these jewelry pieces.  I want to honor Noel by not spending money we don’t have.  I want to stop investing more of our household finances into my hobby.  Lord, first step, can you please give me wisdom in what beads and colors I really need to buy and prevent me from buying in excess?  Also, please provide a couple more sales to break even with the money I’ve invested into the silver.  I don’t know where or how I’m going to sell these earrings, but Lord, I leave the details in your hands.  The jewelry isn’t posted online so I don’t know what you will do or how these earrings will be sold, but I place the finances and this business into your hands.”

Two days later, a friend drops by.  Not knowing my prayer request, she buys 3 of my earrings and orders a fourth.  The amount?  Just enough to break even with the money I’ve spent on silver and beads since the start of this year.  I mean _perfectly_ even.  What can I say to that?  Is this by chance?  Your choice… but stuff like this happens over and over and over so many times in regards to my jewelry sales that I cannot say it’s coincidence.

I pray. 

God answers.

I am humbled by God’s power so clearly portrayed.  I can’t even close my eyes and deny the timing between each prayer and the exact outcome.

Lord, you’ve blessed me so much!  Even before my earrings are placed online, you sell them for me.  Over half of my creations never even get their picture taken for posting purposes!  I’m awed by your power and your presence so clearly demonstrated these past few weeks.  Every time I ask for sales to cover a certain cost of material, within the week, the exact amount is covered.  Over and over and over again, Father God, you show me your hand at work. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, I will continue to dedicate the work of my hands into yours Lord.  Help me not to focus on money or be jealous over all the cool creations out there or that others can successfully sell online.  Lord, you are the ultimate creator and everything pales compared to your handiwork.  I believe you’ve created me for a specific purpose… and that even my jewelry business has a purpose in your kingdom.  May my actions, my words, my thoughts, my heart in all aspects bring you glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

As I continue walking through this jewelry-making hobby, I can understand a little bit more about God, not just as my lord, but as a creator.  I look at the stuff I make and can say "it is good."

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 (ESV)

Pushing the Limits

Gotta exercise!  I'm fed up with being weak.

All day, I'm sitting around working on my jewelry projects, squatting in the garage making a jewelry stand and tools to help facilitate my jewelry-making process... but the truth is, all of my recent activities are fairly immobile!  Yeah, yeah... I know I'm not feeling my best, that my body continues to act up, that I'm not as strong as I used to be.  Reasons and excuses... I want to be strong again!

Pulling out my iPad, I place it on Noel's desk.  Opening the YouTube app, I type "exercise video."  A quick scroll, there!  There are three young girls exercising.  I can copy them!  The whole workout, including warm-up and cool-down, is only 20 minutes.  I can do that. 

Blah blah blah... fast forard the introduction and safety explaination.  Ahhhhh, here.  The exercise part is starting. 

Stand with foot hips-width apart.  Small arm circles: forward and back.  Large arm circles: forward and back.  Slow high knee march.  Jumping jacks with arms coordinated to match.  Side-step.  Done!  Just in case, I did the warm-up at a slower pace.  I'm ready to tackle the exercises.  Bring it on!

First exercise: high-knee forward and back hops... how about I just step forward and back?  I can't seem to get any height in my attempt to hop.  Next: forward and back lunges.  I'm doing okay.  My legs are getting a little wobbly though.  Push-ups?  I think I can do one, maybe two... let's modify this.  I'll do these push-ups off the edge of my bed.  This should be easy enough right?  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  I can already feel my arms.  Five.  Six.  Sevveeeennnn... Eeeeeiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttttt... I'm barely able to let myself down much less even push myself back up!  Come on, just a couple more! 

Wow.  My arms are shaking.

Now down on the ground?  What?  Oh planks with my forarms on the ground and my body straight for a minute.  That should be no problem.  Again, I'm wrong.  Part-way through, my arms are burning, my mid-section is drooping, my shoulders are sagging.  Ah whatevers... I made it through and that's what counts.

Next, in a push-up position, walk your hands to your feet and back out again.  Nuh uh, not happening.  Can't do.  I'll use this time as my rest break and water break.

A couple abdominal exercises later, cool-down and then done!  I made it through!  Hurray!!!

As is, I'm tired.  Stepping out of the bedroom, I head to the kitchen for some water.  Taking one step going downstairs, I realize I need to be careful.  Real careful.  My legs are litterally shaking from fatigue!  Carefully, I hold the handrail with both hands.  Gingerly, I take one careful step after another until I reach the ground floor.

Yikes!  Am I really that weak?  The Kristy toned-down, super-modified, exercise program drained my energy just like that?  I barely did anything!  Dang. 

More than a little shocked at my own weakness, I am determined to progress my activity and regain my strength... or so I say.  It's now the third day after exercising.  I havent worked out at all.  Why?  Ever since that little bit of exercise, my body is rebelling.  It's not just about being tired... tired is expected.  Instead, my body is over-reacting by being irritable with all the foods I eat... even basic ground beef with salt, pepper and a little garlic/onion with rice.  Foods that should keep my body stable are now not working.  Do I have a new unknown food sensitivity to something?  Is my body reacting to being tired from exercise?  I don't know, but I'm scared.  I'm already so limited in my food options, I don't want any new food issues! 

God, help!

Father God, help my body calm back down.  I thought I knew what I could safely eat and what I couldn't.  Now, I'm confused.  I hate it when my body over-reacts.  Running to the restroom is not my ideal way to spend a day.  Being tired from exercise would be nice, but I just feel "off."

Lord, I don't know what's going on... but I'm so thankful that you allowed me a break from chemotherapy.  The sarcoma doctor plans to place me on another oral chemo.  I don't know what it is or why, but I'm super grateful that the appointment got delayed!  If my body's acting up even now, 5 whole weeks after my last IV chemotherapy session, how much worse will my body get if I'm placed on a new oral chemotherapy now?

Father in heaven, I thank you for your provision and for your mercy.  You know what I can handle.  You know my breaking points.  You allow me to get stretched, so close to breaking, but never broken.  In your presence, Lord, I continue to grow.  My physical strength is almost non-existant, but my spiritual strength comes unendingly from you. 

Thank you for the strength in my mind.  Thank you for the joy in my heart.  Thank you for the strength in my hands.  Thank you for time: this time to recover, this time to rest, this time to enjoy life with my husband by my side.

Lord, into your hands, I place Noel's job-hunting situation, my health, our household finances, my jewelry making and business, my heart, my hope, my dreams.  Thank you, Father God, for such a wonderful and fulfilling life, time to spend with family and friends, time to relax, time to recover, time to dream.  In Jesus' name, I shout my praise into the heavens for all the blessings you've poured, and will continue to pour, into my life.  Amen.

Creation to the Creator

“Helllllloooooooo.  We’re here!”

“Hi Mom!  Hi Jess!”

Sweet, my mom and my sister are here.  It feels like forever since we’ve hung out.  Lily’s also coming later today!  The plan is to hang out then go get a “foot massage” which includes the whole body _and_ hot stones.  Hurray!

“Hey guys.  Did you eat yet?  Just made fried rice.  Hungry?”

“Starving!  We haven’t eaten lunch yet.”

“Okay, this enough for you?  It’s ground beef with leftover beef broth, pad see ew sauce, fish cakes, corn, cashews… stuff like that.  Basically, the fried rice is made from random left-overs in the fridge.”

With my mom and my sister, Jessica, sitting next to me at the dinner table, I decide to pull out my jewelry-making tools.  Pliers: bent nose, duckbill, knotting, curved, wire cutter… okay, I have a LOT of stuff.  Disposable stainless steel scissors act as my anvil.  The mallet I stole from the garage. I even pull out a 925 stamp to mark my finished products as officially being sterling silver.  Little plastic re-sealable bags are for my scrap silver (I even collect the silver dust from shavings to use later).  Beads… I have two plastic containers, each with 30 small pill-like compartments, filled with beads of different colors and sizes.  Silver wire: 20 gauge and the thinner 24 gauge.  Paper clip.  Needle files.  Enough?  I’ve covered the whole dinner table except for where my sister and mom are eating!  *sheepish grin*

“If you see something you like, let me know and I’ll make it.” 

Taking out my finished earrings, I spread them over the little remaining table space.  As I start grabbing my silver wire, my mom reaches out.  Grabbing one of my earrings, she states “I want this one in orange.”

“Okay, orange rabbit earrings coming right up.  How about you Jess?”

“Do you have pen and paper?”

Huh?  Puzzled, I stand up and walk over to a side table.  There, I grab a pad of paper provided by some local advertising realtor.  Walking back, I reach over Jessica’s shoulders and grab a pen from the top of my electric keyboard (yes that gets used as storage surface too).  

“Here you go.”

Taking the pen and paper, Jessica immediately leans forward.  Sketching out a couple of lines, she turns the paper towards me.  “Can you make this?”

“You mean kind of like my amethyst droplet earrings with the long hook wire?”

“Yeah, but make the distance between the dangling bead and the ear hook longer.  Also, use these cats-eye beads.”

“Sure, dig for the beads you like and I’ll make it.  I suck at combining different colors... you've gotta match the beads for me.”

Lord, thank you so much for this time with my family.  Pulling out my stash of earrings isn't the easiest for me.  To me, each earring is something I took time to create and put a lot of effort into creating.  Showing them off and being open to critique is scary, especially when it's in person.  I know my technique is constantly being improved upon… and I like my own work.  However, there’s many different styles of earrings I’ve made.  Some of my earrings I’d seriously wear and others only for fun (and others not my style at all).  Well, at least from family, I’ll hear pretty clearly what’s what.  And honestly, I enjoy my creations being appreciated.  Some of my pieces need improvement; others, I am happy to say “I really like.” 

Father, you created me.  What am I in your eyes?  Sometimes in mine, “I’m pretty good.”  Other times, in my own eyes, I feel dirty and stained and worn.  Masked under my current jewelry hobby, Lord, I struggle and still get super frustrated.  I want to be up and doing everything that comes into my mind with no holds barred!  When I think of making cookies, I want the energy to make cookies.  When I want to go for a walk with my friend, I want the energy to do so!  Even when I make jewelry, I had to depend on my sister to tell me that the wire ends were still sharp (I couldn’t feel the sharpness, even on the underside of my wrist).

Lord, as I twist and turn… often blinded by my wants, my wishes… Father, I don’t like this part of myself.  This journey you’re allowing me to walk through, even with the crazy cool blessings… there are many times I want OUT!  I just want to be normal again.  I want the energy to be out there doing my crazy activities.  I want.  I want.  I want… and I don’t want to have to keep depending on everyone.  I like my independence!

*sigh*

Father God… all-in-all, you are my Lord.  I don’t always like my life, but I will keep living it until you call me home.  Even though I feel physically weak, there are those who are even weaker.  Even though I complain about not having enough energy, there are those who have even less than I do.  Even though I hate my allergies and my current digestive system, my life could be way worse.  I keep telling myself the blessings I DO have.  Sometimes this cheers me up.  Sometimes it doesn’t. 

In the end, what I want doesn’t mean I’ll get it. 

Lord, help me.  Open my eyes to focus on the good even as I see the bad.  Help me to see my life as one half full and not half empty.  Give me the strength to appreciate all your blessings in all its forms. 

Thank you that even in my life as it is, you give me great joy, consistent peace and so much love.  Thank you, Father, for this undeserved grace, for your consistent mercy.  Lord, thank you for showing me your uncompromising love: the care and blessings you shower on me and my household, the tough situations to stretch and grow me and your ever-ready hands to catch me.

Lord, I have nothing I can give, do or say that you need.  All I can do and will continue to do is make the choice to follow you, to serve you.  In the name of Jesus Christ, I offer you my all: my heart, my life, my soul.  Amen.