(un)CERTAINTY

Monday, June 22, 2015

My feet drag as I walk into the doctor's office.  Plopping into a chair, I wait with Noel supportively by my side.  

I'm scared.  Today's another chemo day.  

Last chemo sent me to the hospital for two days with fever, a high resting heart rate and an even higher moving heart rate up to the 150s.  I don't want to deal with the chemo again!  Can I just stop?

I know God will guide the doctors in regards to my treatment.  I know God is all-powerful and if he wanted me to get chemo, I can physically crash the entire week and still be strong enough to participate in the Summer Church Paintball Event this Saturday?  Or God can let me have chemo and get no symptoms at all.  Even better, how about no chemo?  God can do anything.  But for me, will I have to go through another week of misery?

I'm tired.  Part of me is breaking inside.  How much more?

Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me.  I'm clueless as to which direction you're guiding my care.  Lord, I know that in you, anything is possible.  Please give me peace as I follow your will.  Give me comfort as I choose to serve you.  Give me a heart to accept the doctor's judgement as I know their decisions are under your will.  Give me the heart not to argue, not to push my will, but allow you to be in complete control.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

The doctor comes in.  She sits down.  I know what she's going to say; there's a certain look.  Is that pity I see?

"Kristy, you will get chemo today.  To counter the alcohol allergy, we'll give you Benedryl and a steroid called Dexamethasone.  Any questions?"

Inside, my heart drops.  I feel myself starting to crumble.  What can I say?  I told God that I'll let him lead the doctor's decision.

But really God?  

Again?  

No break?

*deep sigh*  

My limbs have no strength.  Here I go, another round.  God, you call it.  You promised me I can play with the kids at the Summer Paintball Event.  I don't know how, but I know that in you, anything is possible. I will trust in your faithfulness.  I dread my future, but to walk with you is better than me walking my own path.  I commit to submitting to your will... But God, you know I'm really hating this chemo right?

Noel and I sit for two hours, waiting for my scheduled chemotherapy session.  I flop in my chair; my small black backpack supports my head, my legs drape over the opposing armrest.  At least this is comfy!  The sun beats down, I'm starting to sweat.  Okay, maybe a little too warm here.

Just as I prepare to move, a nurse calls out my name: "Kristy Cheng Esporo?"

"Here."  I wave my hand to get her attention.

"Are you waiting for your port to be de-accessed?  You know that your chemotherapy was canceled right?"

What?!?  "My port wasn't accessed this morning, we were just waiting for the chemo."

Three minutes later, my phone rings.  The PA (physician's assistant) is on the phone.  "Hi Kristy?  You know that your chemo is canceled right?  Your morning's blood test shows that your ANC (absolute neutrophil count) is 0.5, too low for us to give you any chemotherapy treatments.  Go home today and take the Neulasta injection to raise your white blood cell levels and we will see you in two weeks for chemotherapy."

Hanging up, I give Noel a huge smile and a thumbs-up.  My heart leaps for joy.  Sweet, no chemo today!  

Thank you, God!  You totally waited to the absolute last moment before notifying me of the cancelation of my treatment.  Not waiting would've been nice, but I'm totally fine with this outcome!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Father God, even without chemo, this week, my strength is up and down.  There were times I felt stronger.  There were also many times my bones hurt, I can feel my heart pounding, my head gets dizzy, eyes loose focus, a sharp sensation shoots from my shoulders to my hips where my muscles almost collapse in pain.  Father, I don't know what's going on with my body, but give me the energy, strength, focus, and spirit to serve those around me with a positive and loving attitude; no holds barred.  

May we as a paintball group be a blessing to all we interact with. Give us the heart to unconditionally serve, teach, love on each other.  I ask that your Spirit shine so bright all will know of your presence.  Bless the communication between all players, especially the captains and lieutenants, even the staff we come into contact with.  Guide the pacing.  Protect the children.  Keep us hydrated. Give us the wisdom to teach, the spirit to love, words to encourage, fellowship, joy, laughter, hope, and growth together as a community.

In Jesus' name, I continue to pray big for this event and expect to see you come through in amazing, wonderful, and totally unexpected ways!  

Now let's PLAY!  <3

Noel and Kristy at Stanford right after getting notified NO chemo!!!

Noel and Kevin preparing pods to paint:

Choices: 1st round of chemotherapy

Hot air rushes past dry crackling lips.  I desperately attempt to fill my lungs with fresh air.  Sucking.  Chest expanding.  It's no use.  Nothing changes.  I lay in bed, panting, trying to get air, but can't seem to slow down my breathing enough to take a deep breath.  Heart pounding, I can feel the blood pulsing through my limbs.  I take a quick assessment of my body: hot, probably fever; twitch my fingers, maybe the smallest movement only noticeable to me; open my eyes, just enough to glimpse a sliver of light.  What happened to all my motor functions?

*click*

I hear the front door.  Yay, Noel's parents are here!  Excited, I attempt to call out a greeting.  Nothing.  Soundless, my lips barely move.  Air flows quickly, but no sound comes out.  I try again.  Failure.

What should I do?  I'm all here in my head, but my body doesn't obey my commands.  I have no sense of time.  I'm unable to move, to speak.  Interesting ideas are coming to mind about how to draw attention: throwing my seal plushie down the stairs, knocking over my water bottle... Yeah, if only I can move.

*rumble*
               *squeak*

Ah, Noel's home!  Anticipating him checking in on me, I prepare to go all out and catch his attention!  Air hisses out my throat, but no recognizable sounds.  Furiously I attempt to roll out of bed... my foot moves one inch, maybe less.  My hand, a slight vibration through the bed, but no sound.  Panting, I lay, still in the same position I've been in all day.

Helpless I lay trapped under heavy comforters.  I listen to Noel greet his parents, go back outside to clean his paintball gear, then come back inside.  *clink*  I hear metal utensils clanking on the food bowl... Noel's probably eating.

Hello... I try to call out.  But again, I can only produce the same panting breath as before.

I don't know how much time has past until I feel a slight vibration through the bed.  Is that steps on the stairs?  Noel?  I hear a person creep silently to my side, probably trying not to wake me.

Look!  I'm awake!  Look harder!

Hot air continues to flow in quick bursts between my lip.  I still don't have control.  In frustration, I feel burning tears slide down my face.

"Why are you crying?"

I try to answer, but nothing comes out.  I feel my tears flow faster.

A rough and cool finger wipes away my tears; first my right eye, then my left.  New tears flow out.  I think my pillow is starting to get wet.  This is embarrassing.

I feel my body pulled partially upright.  I'm dead weight, I can't move a single muscle to help.  A wet spoon touches my lips and pours soup into my mouth.  I attempt to swallow and choke instead.  After a couple more failed attempts with the spoon, I mouth "straw."  Straw in hand, Noel holds my head up.  I still choke three or four times, but at least the fluid is going down the right tube.

Noel cradles my head.  I'm finally able to open my eyes.  Gently, he brushes his face near mine, "Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry."  I didn't mean to.  I didn't feel good, I hurt, got really hungry and then I couldn't move at all.  I'm scared too... I've never been trapped alert in my body before.  It sucks.


Father God, I don't remember much of these past couple days, but I acknowledge everything is in your control.  Thank you for providing Noel the ability to work at home when I  first needed care.  Thank you that Noel's parents are willingly staying over these past couple of days to cook, clean, check up on me, literally feed me, carry my to and from the house to the car for my acupuncture appointment, feed the cats... So much, Lord God, am I blessed by your provision when I can do absolutely nothing on my own.

Fevers rage. Pain immobilizes me.  Strength is nonexistent.  Air, a difficult to acquire commodity.  I lay in bed; tossing in discomfort when I can, freezing in pain or sometimes writhing to find a more comfortable position.  I pant for air and claw at the bed.  My mind is glazed, time flows on.

Every day is a battle.  Do I choose to follow my doctor's advice and continue injecting the Neupogen that's supposed to protect me but also causes fevers in the 102+ range, uncontrolled by Tylenol and requires me to constantly take Benedryl to ward off my allergic reactions?  Just one more day.  Keep going.  Can I eat enough to maintain my weight without getting nauseous?  I've lost 5 pounds now,  but I make sure that I eat every 1-2 hours I'm awake.  Exercise?  Forget it.  I'm lucky that I can even use the restroom without falling over.


Lord God, even in this time, I know that you're with me because you promised to be.  In you I trust; no more and no less.  Because I acknowledge you, Father God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as sovereign Lord of my life and my household, I trust the stability of my health in your hands.  By choosing to follow doctor's orders, I am choosing to follow your lead.  As I send Noel off to serve in Bigfoot youth retreat, a huge part of me wants my husband by my side, but when it comes to serving you, may nothing... not my health nor personal wishes interfere.  So Lord, for these next 4 days and 3 nights, I entrust my husband, myself, Noel's parents all into your all-powerful hands.  May our attitudes and decisions bring you complete glory for we serve you first... beyond ourselves and even our families... to you and for you, Oh Lord, may you truly always come first.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.



Here's a pic of my first chemo infusion of Dacarbazine... it's cold!

Waiting on God's Timing

"I don't know what to do anymore!  It's been so long since I've had a job!"

Watching my husband sit in front his computer, fiddling with his portfolio... I remain silent.  What is there to say?  By my words alone, I cannot provide Noel with a paying job.  Phrases such as "It'll be okay" or " God will provide when the time is right" sound unconvincing trite.  In the face of Noel's despair, saying "Thank you for staying at home and taking care of me" feels so lacking.  Even a hug doesn't cut it.

Laying in bed, I observe Noel struggle.  There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.  There's no words of wisdom that can fix the issue of no work and dwindling funds.  There's no action I can physically take to solve Noel's joblessness.  There is nothing I can personally do for Noel that will pierce his despair, his frustration, his self-loathing, his impatience.  Rarely do I see Noel cave under the heavy burdens placed upon him by my health, our household, ministry and job issues. 

Silently, I watch over my beloved husband.  My heart breaks.  I feel powerless.

Lord Father, creator of Heaven and Earth, you who are merciful, compassionate, wise and all-powerful... Please help my husband.  Lift the burdens he is stumbling under.  Heal his heart against the standards of what this world says a husband should be or do.  Give to Noel your wisdom to see his life and his current situation as you see it.  Bless Noel with the strength to walk forward with full integrity.  Keep his eyes fixed not on his worth with a job but his true worth as your beloved child.  Give Noel the courage to stand fast against the storms of this life.  Bless him with your everlasting hope through Jesus Christ.  Give him a soul at peace.

Father God, by myself, I am powerless and helpless; however, with you, O Lord, everything and anything is possible.  The options are endless, your timing always perfect.  To you, Lord God, I give the struggles, the hate, the anger, the despair, the hurt... Into your hands, I place both my and my husband's future: our health, our job, our cars, our time, our hope, our everything.

Give us peace.  Give us hope.  Give us courage.  Give us strength.

I want to see you, Lord.  I want to dwell in your presence.  I want to rest in your arms.  I want to live the path and the life you intend for me.  I want you to save and protect Noel... Be it job or jobless, show my husband your calling for him.  Show him his worth in Jesus Christ.  Heal his hurt and his pain.  Give him hope and joy that can only come in you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Noel:

These last few weeks I was lost and somewhat depressed:  the job search wasn't going anywhere, I didn't have a solid indication as to where God wants to place me, and I was frustrated with where I currently am in life.  On Friday after a rescheduled lunch, I reached out to a friend to see if he wanted to meet up for lunch.  Unfortunately, he couldn't because he had to prepare some material for a presentation.  So I then asked what time meeting was and if I could pray for him and his meeting.  I felt that God was revealing His plan for me in little pieces throughout that day.  God played meaningful music while I was driving that reminded me 'He has a plan for me' and for me to 'be patient and trust in Him'.  Even at our quarterly leadership meeting at church on Saturday, the message was a great reminder to "ask God for the impossible, because anything less is an insult to Him". 

Thank you, Lord God, for the renewed sense of hope, joy and peace in Noel.  Thank you for renewing his purpose, refreshing his strength, lifting his spirit.  To you, O Lord, be all the glory.  May my life and Noel's life shine ever greater with your Spirit as you hone us in your light.

In Jesus' name, I give my life and my husband's life, into your loving hands.  Amen.

Noel and I at Footprints! youthgroup Senior Sendoff 2014:

 

Gift of Sleep

Yay, I'm home!!!!!!

Bed... so comfy... it's calling out to me.

Quickly, I change clothes and roll into bed.  

Soft

Cool 

Welcoming 

Pulling a sheet over me, I wiggle myself into the perfect spot.  

Peace 

Quiet 

Calm

Slowly, my eyes drift shut.

*phone ringing*

What? Huh?  Oh.... 2 hours have past.  Wow... I haven't been able to drift off into sleep so easily in weeks!

Father God, thank you so much for a good nap.  Growing up, I never had any trouble sleeping.  As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm totally out and gone.  Prior to this past year, I never understood what it meant or what it felt like to lay down and not have my mind shut off.  Now I know.  One more item to add on my growing list of personal experiences.  *wry grin*

Lord, these past few weeks, I'm crawling into bed by 8pm.  My mind isn't able to drift off until 2am. Then I wake up around 4:40am, 5:30am, 6:10am... by the time 6:30 rolls around, I'm supposed to be out of bed and getting ready for work.  Father, thank you for helping me through these sleepless nights when even though I'm super tired and my body won't shut off enough to rest, thank you that I can still function on so little sleep.  During these times, searching for sleep, craving rest, thank you for always keeping me company.

Father, thank you for giving me this body that keeps getting stronger.  I don't feel dizzy or shaky as often as I used to.  I don't feel as miserable and tired like I did 4 months ago. I'm no longer in pain like I was 6 months ago.  I no longer feel hopelessly broken like I did a year ago.  As each day passes, the memory of old difficulties fade as I confront new and more immediate trials.

Thank you, Father God, that you are totally in control of my life, my health, my work.  Thank you for giving me the strength and motivation to add more hours at my work.  Thank you for providing a work schedule where I can commit to being present.  Thank you that every struggle, every hurt, every mistake... that none of my time here on Earth is wasted.  Thank you that each difficulty is used to grow my strength, my courage and my faith in you.

Lord God, I don't know where I'm headed in this life nor what I'll be able to do in the future... but I do know that you have a plan, a purpose, a reason for this life of mine.

So, in Jesus' name I continue to dedicate this life to my Lord God, amen.  

During our youthgroup's 2014 Senior SendOff event, this is a picture of me and LegoMan:

In Broken Hopes & Dreams

Opening my laptop, I see a sticky note.  "DO YOUR BLOG!  =P  MUAH!"

Noel went off to the church retreat for the weekend and I'm finding surprise notes all around the house.  So cute! 

But.... I don't wanna!  Actually, I already have a blog post written... just don't want to edit it and post it.  You'd think the editing and posting is easy... well, it is.  I'm just lazy.  I'd rather write a handful of journal entries than to go through it again and again to polish it.  =S 

Okay.  Okay.  Think of this long 3-week break from blogging as my birthday gift to myself.  *smirk*  I'll get my butt back in gear now.  Yup yup....

(Sitting at my computer.  Staring at the word-filled screen.  Hand on mouse.  Motionless.)

6 hours later...

July 6, 2014

"What will you be like in 20 years?  What do you expect to have?  Write each individual want, dream, hope, expectation down on its own piece of paper."

High school youth sprawl on the floor in a large circle.  Thoughtful faces.  Intense scribbling. First one paper then another flies to the center.  Quickly, a small pile of bent and creased index cards form.

"Here, lets have two of you organize all the papers into groups and label the theme of each pile."

House.  Job.  Car.  Vacation locations.  Husband/Wife.  Children.  Hobbies.  Successes.  Personal characteristics.  Money.  Stability.  Comfort items.  Material goods.  This is what these youth want to achieve, acquire and experience in their future.

Organizing the piles of what these youth want in their lives 20 years down the road, I see a reflection of my own hopes and dreams.

My eyes scan across the semi-circle of youth sprawling on the floor.  I see apathy and curiosity, alert attentiveness and casual disinterest.  Either way, no one is talking.  All ears are open to listen and all eyes pointing towards Noel and I.  Now, it is our turn to share.  Using these cards neatly organized in front of us, Noel and I will take turns sharing our own dreams from our high school days and the outcomes we experience now, many years later.

Grabbing a pile, I look at the topic:  "Husband/Wife."  Ahhhhhh, this brings back memories.  I remember laying in bed, eyes unfocused, staring at the ceiling.  What kind of husband do I want?  What kind of marriage do I want to have?  How serious am I going to be about my criteria and why?

I'd like a man who is handsome, but we all get old anyways so this will go on my "I would like but not have to have list."  My whole family is tall, so someone who is at least 5'8" to 5'10" would be great.  A man who speaks Mandarin so he can participate with my family during dinner conversations that switch between Chinese and English is ideal.  

On the other hand, there are things I absolutely will not compromise on.  I need someone who loves me and sees/knows the real me.  I have to have a man who loves God first and has the heart to follow Jesus Christ above even his heart for me because this is the type of life I want to live for myself.  I seek a man who desires to grow his relationship with God as his priority so that we can be of one heart and one mind... to truly be able to say that Jesus Christ is the head of our household in all respects, to be equals and acknowledged stewards of all God's given gifts.  I want a husband with whom I can share my entire life with.  A man to share in my future and my goals.  A man who will walk the same path I do, towards Jesus Christ.  This is my dream husband, my ideal.

Before I met Noel, there was only one man who ever made it past the barriers around my heart.  He was a childhood friend.  I can say that I really really liked him.  Back in college, we would talk on the phone every night.  Sometimes, he would come up to Davis to meet me.  One time, I even went down to LA to meet him.  One night while we were talking on the phone, I got asked the question "will you be my girlfriend?"  Happy and ecstatic, I wanted to answer "yes!"  But wait... my purpose of a boyfriend is for assessing if the man is appropriate to be my husband.  This man does not know God, much less place Jesus as first in his life.  He cannot, as he is now, be my life partner.  No matter how hard we try to work this relationship, he will never understand my heart for Christ unless he also experiences the same.  As things stand, he will never be able to be my spiritual equal, to walk in the same direction, to understand the reasoning behind my decisions, to truly know the largest aspect of my life.  I don't want to be lonely in my walk with my Lord God from the person who is supposed to walk closest by my side on this earth.

I remember having to say "no, I cannot be your girlfriend."  Trying to explain myself, telling this man that even if I cared for him... that a deeper relationship would not work out.  I remember that night, sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.  I lay huddled in my sleeping bag with tears constantly seeping out of my eyes.  Fist in my mouth, I did my best to stifle my cries.  My chest hurts.  I'm suffocating inside.  I can't believe I just let go of this someone I really really wanted to be with... but, in the long run, I would hurt more to stick with someone, who I knew from the very start, didn't walk towards the same future I seek.

Lord, to me, following you is worth this pain.  My heart twists inside, but I want to choose you over myself.  I need you, Father God, more than anything else this world offers.  Even though I struggle to let go of what I think I want, what I think I need... Lord, I know that you have even better.

You, Father God, Jesus Christ, are my goal, my role model, my purpose in this life.  You hold my true heart.  You know me above and beyond what I even know of myself.  I will not accept second best.  Lord God, you take first in my heart so give me a partner who will also place you first.  Sooth this pain I feel in my chest.  Someday, if it is your will, allow me to walk beside a man who seeks you first, and in doing so, may I have a man who can run besides me, chasing you as our sole goal in life.

Now, years later, I can proudly say that the wait is worth it.  Having Noel walk besides me, supporting me, loving me in ways I never imagined possible... I can state that the husband I am blessed with, together, we walk towards Jesus Christ.  Eyes both fixed on God.  Supporting each other when we stumble.  Celebrating together in the joys of this life.  At peace in seeing God's blessings and provisions... I have a partner, who is fully my equal, who shores up my weaknesses and I his, one who allows me to grow my strengths, one who I can lean on to let God lead in our marriage.  I am blessed with Noel, who is beyond any dream a high school or college girl could have... a husband who's goal is to live as Christ calls.  The wait is worth it.  Every year, every day, I fall more and more in love with this man God placed in my life: walking the same path, pulling at each other when one strays... always, the same goal under the leadership of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father God, you do know my heart.  You know what I can handle and provide accordingly.  Lord, as I struggle to choose you first in all aspects of my life, I get to experience your blessings in ways I've never imagined possible.  By giving up my first romance for you, Lord, I gained Noel.  For giving up racing cars, I gained the honor of becoming a youth counselor and the ability to impact young lives.  By giving my health and my future into your care, I am blessed with peace of heart and a purpose in my daily life.

Lord Jesus, in giving up my own definition of my hopes, dreams and their acquisition by my hands... In you, I have gained more joy, more love, more hope, more peace, and more fulfillment.  In breaking me of my youthful desires for my future, you in turn continue to grow my dreams even larger by changing their definitions, expanding potentials, and opening new doors.

Lord, you love me enough that you don't want me to remain as a caterpillar but to evolve into a butterfly.  The growth process is painful, sometimes disheartening... But the end result is that by your power, I can fly into a realm a caterpillar can never reach.  

Thank you, Lord, for caring about me enough to release me from the chains of this earth, for giving me new hope and bigger dreams.  Thank you for giving me a purpose to live; one bigger than myself.  Lord, as I start another year of my life, help hone my dreams.  Shape me into a person who shines so brightly with your spirit that people see you instead.  Thank you for gifting me with wings growing ever bigger, ever brighter.  Thank you for helping me fly ever higher.

Lord, following you is my dream.  Responding to and sharing your love is my purpose in this life.  You, O Lord, are my greatest treasure.  Thank you for allowing me to aim so high.  Thank you for guiding me when I stubbornly stray.  Thank you for your infinite patience and this astounding peace.

In Jesus' name, amen.

What are your dreams?  

Where does your heart lay?  

What do you treasure most?

May you be blessed to stay true to your real path, to grow ever greater your dreams and to know where your real treasures lay.

My family celebrating my birthday with dinner:

Called to Serve?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I get an email asking if I want to help serve in our young adult fellowship, Transparent, as a small group leader.  My immediate internal response is "NO!"  I don't want more stuff on my plate... I'm having fun rockclimbing and socializing with friends from church, work and my neighborhood.  Really... I don't want any more responsibilities.  *tsk tsk*

As my finger twitches over the reply button, I freeze.  What's making me hesitate?  *deep sigh*  Well, I know that I want to serve God with my whole life... but I also know that I want time to myself.  I want my personal space.  I don't want to add on more responsibilities, time drains, mandatory meetings, long drives, crazy events and even more people time (I'm a total introvert, people time drains me!).  Why in the world would I ever want to step into Transparent leadership that honestly doesn't spark my interest?  But since I've been asked... I need to properly pray and ask God what he wants me to do.... where he wants me to serve.

Lord, if you want me to be small group leader in Transparent, please give me the heart for it.  I have the heart to serve you, God, but right now I don't really want to give up my time to serve in an area that will definitely wear on me.  Lord, but I know that when I follow you, impossibly great things happen. So before I go ahead and answer on my own, I want to ask you what you want for me to do.  Lord, if you want me to be a small group leader in Transparent, give me excitement for the task.  Give me a joy and a purpose in serving.  Give me direction, ideas, a goal to work towards.  Father, I've got until the end of this year to decide.  So please, before then, can you give me an answer?  I know that if you change my heart from where it is now, then you've clearly called me.  On the other hand, Lord, if I cannot find excitement and passion to become a small group leader, I will decline the honor of the position.

Thank you Lord, knowing that whatever comes in the future, it will be more than just good!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Running towards me, an excited youth cries out "Kristy, Kristy!  I hear that Noel's going to become a youth counselor again!  Does that mean you're coming back too?"

"Sorry," I reply, "God hasn't called me to rejoin Footprints as a youth counselor."  *sad face*

I love working alongside the kids and love working besides Noel... but every time I pray about if I should rejoin the youth team, I don't hear a positive answer from God, I don't feel anything extra besides my own wants.  I can't feel a specific goal or purpose to be in Footprints with the youth.  *sad sigh* I would love to work with the youth again... every Sunday, a spark lights up when I talk, laugh and play with them... I really miss it.  But where does God want me?  Serving and creating community at work, hanging out with girls at church, mentoring young adults... these are what I'm spending most of my time on.  I'm super busy, but something's still missing.  What is it?  *puzzled look*

I know that I want to serve in the church again... but where?  How?  In what way?  My vacation time is almost over.  *wry grin*

My heart is for the youth I've grown up alongside these past 5-6 years.  I'm sad that when so many youth go off to college, they come back feeling lost, the environment changes... new people are present and others are gone.  Upon coming back to church, the new young adults are encouraged to participate in the young adult group, Transparent.  However, many never make the transition from Footprints to Transparent.  Why?  The two groups are very different in culture, attitude, people.  It's scary and uninviting to step into a new world when feeling like this should be "home."  I want to bridge that gap!

Towards the goal of bridging the youth to young adult gap, Noel and I host monthly dinner parties with games at our home to help keep the local college students plugged-in with each other.  Recently, we've also started hosting random dinner and game parties at our home when the non-local college students return home.  To spice things up, Noel and I are planning a Nerf War & Dinner Party at church on December 29th with the purpose of melding youth and returning college students and young adults into an event hosted by multiple age groups.  *excited*

For the Nerf War & Dinner Party, I want to specifically create a place where talking isn't the primary event; instead, the primary focus of the night is teamwork, community, respect and physical interaction.  I crave for this upcoming large event to break down barriers of discomfort between people of different ages who may not know each other well.  I want to provide a common topic of conversation, a place of challenge and multiply opportunities for encouragement.  Then too, there's dinner.  Dinner's purpose is teamwork.  Everyone needs to help clean-up the Nerf equipment, organize tables and chairs and then make won tons and spring rolls.  The primary reason for these specific dinner foods is so that the people present can learn and teach each other how to cook (life-skill) while allowing for laughter and flexibility in the the end product.  Furthermore, everyone needs to work together in order to have a meal to eat... the other option is to go hungry.  Am I cruel or what?  *smirk*

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Last night: successful completion of the Nerf War & Dinner Party!

I "encouraged" everyone to help clean-up, even those who don't regularly come to our church and are invited as friends.  *wide grin*  I called people by name and pulled on sleeve after sleeve issuing specific tasks:  return all the tables and chairs to their original location, hunt down every Nerf ammo including checking closets and underneath furniture in a specific area, wiping dirty tables, washing dishes and wiping floors.  *evil grin*  After a very major and thorough clean-up, I hope everyone who participated in last night's activities will leave with a sense of accomplishment, fulfilled purpose, teamwork, laughter and new memories to share.  Hopefully in church today, people who just returned from distant colleges and participated in last night's event will have Nerf war stories to tell, excitement in meeting teammates and opponents, and most of all... everyone who took part in last night's activities will feel a diminished sense of discomfort in coming back to a place that is "supposed to be home" and yet...  has changed.

Ummmmm... the youth who graduate from high school also graduate from Footprints.  These future new young adults are offered the chance to join with the young adult group in Transparent; however, the gap in culture is too wide from one group to the next... very few make the transition and may eventually feel unwanted or lost.  I don't want that to happen!  This gap is where I am most passionate about bridging. 

So where can I go and what can I do? 

With Noel going to Footprints as a youth counselor, he will be the link into Footprints.  Where is the link into Transparent?  The only person I can think of to fill that roll is... maybe me?  If I participate in Transparent... I can change and prep the culture of the young adults in Transparent and the youth I currently interact with to meld the two groups together.  I want to make the transition from Footprints to Transparent more welcoming, less shocking... to create events with the intention of bridging two very different groups in a safe-feeling, natural format.  Will just being a small group leader do?  Will I eventually need to step into an even higher level of leadership?  *deep sigh* What am I getting myself into?  Where is God leading me this time?

Father God, I want to serve you... I want to grow the youth you've placed into my life (even ones who are now adults).  I want to create a place of belonging... a place of safety each one can return to to find peace, community, friendship, advice, laughter, support and hope.  Lord, wherever you call, I will follow.  Whatever it takes... my time, my life... I will go.  Lord, as you call... give me the wisdom, courage, energy, passion... everything I need and more... to follow you.  I will not do this on my own... may my choices and my passion follow your lead.  When the time and place is right, may you open doors, prepare the path and open my heart to accept it.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Preparing a message

Friday, July 27, 2012

This year, for the summer session in our Footprints! youth group, the youth counselors are assigned to lead a session.  We're splitting the guys and the girls into separate groups.  The guys are led by a male counselor and the girls are led by a female counselor.  The intention of these sessions are to address topics along the lines of "Being Godly Men and Women" (I think... *smirk*).  The male/female sessions don't have to be on the exact same topic.  In fact, we're splitting the guys and girls specifically to address different issues that may occur between or because of the two genders.  After the message/discussion comes a practical and fun activity unique to each group.

My assigned session was initially planned for August 10th, but because of another church event, my part will be pushed back into September sometime.  I'm handling the girls and my husband, Noel, will handle the guys.  Our topic will be along the line of personal (physical) boundaries.

What in the world does "personal boundaries" mean?  How am I going to give a message about this topic?  What verses will I use?  How can I make an impact using props to get the message across?  It's so easy to tell stories and give advice... but how much of that advice and story will make an impact enough to change lives _before_ problems occur?

Looking back even now, it's easy to think things like "that situation happened to her, but won't happen to me" or "my situation is different from his, so what happened to him will never happen to me!"  So how can I give a message that will break through the "it'll never happen to me" attitude?

Praying for the past month-and-a-half, slowly God, Noel, and I are working out the kinks in our individual messages.  Noel's message will be along the lines of guys protecting the girls.  It's going to be a different twist on the topic... but I can't tell you what it is until after the message.  *so excited*  Wish I could sit in on the guy's talk!

For the girls' portion, I want to address the tendency to give our bodies as gifts to the guy we like.  A touch here, a touch there... what that does to our spirit, what a single touch can lead to... I want the girls to know that their bodies are precious, temple of God's Spirit, and should be saved for their future husband.  Not just that, I want my youth girls to gain a clear, practical, understanding of WHAT consequences each choice they make has... and that everything the girls do or say _is_ a choice.  The decision to speak up, to stay silent, to allow a touch, to stay in a situation... all of that is a choice.  To feel hopeless or to not make a choice is a choice... there's no such thing as "I don't have a choice."  Each decision, action.... there needs to be responsibility and acknowledgement of potential consequences.  I will not make the choices for my youth girls, they will each make their own... their life is is _their_ choice, their mistakes to make... *scary*  I want the best for my youth kids, but I can't _make_ them do anything... I can only pray that my message will open their eyes, even if only a little bit, to protect them in their future, to give joy... and because of the salvation available through Jesus Christ, to give my girls hope.

I know what props I'm gonna use (can't tell you yet because some of my youth kids are reading this and I want the night to be a surprise).  I know that I want to talk about my physical boundaries (or lack of it) growing up and their consequences.  I want to talk about choices I made that placed me in situations where I got physically assaulted.  Then, I want to discuss how, even with the stain of being molested, God took that hurt and tarnish out of my spirit.

For the night's activity, me and the other female counselors will teach our youth girls basics of self-defense.  *wide grin*  I'm so excited... and today, after praying... I found the Bible verse that gave me an additional idea in how I want to give my message.  Hurray!!!  I'll probably use a portion of Romans 8:1-11... not quite sure what portion(s)... maybe something in this part of the Bible?  Either way, this verse provided an improved idea in how to use my props and gifts to my youth girls.  =D *happy*

Father God, thank you so much for your love!  I give this future message, my intentions, my words and attitude into your care.  May this message that Noel and I give really make a lasting impact on our youth.  Father God, please open eyes and ears to hear your words, your intentions for us, your love for us.  Give Noel and I the wisdom in what we say and do... please continue to piece together the message, the props we use, the pacing... everything I/we give into your more than capable hands. 

And Lord, please also help with tonight's Footprints! message.  Unexpectedly, I'm going to be leading... but I don't have everything planned!  Lord, please step in and handle tonight... may we, as a group, be able to hear you clearly as we learn more about discerning your voice.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen!

Here's what I'm using for tonight's message guideline... my friend gave this to me:


I leave you with these verses:

Romans 8:31-32 (ESV)
What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:37-39 (NIV)
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death no life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anythings else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.