Second Chances

"I've got a story to share!  I screwed up but God used it to spur me on in another situation the very next day.  God is truly amazing!  I'm so excited but I'm not sure who I can share this story with."

"So why don't you write the story on your blog?"

Huh?  What?  "Ummm, It's because the thought process is so Christiany and most people wouldn't be interested right?"

"You'll share this story with me... isn't that the kind of stuff you usually write about in your blog?  Your stories?"

"Oh yeah."  *sheepish grin*  I've not written a blog post that actually hit close to my heart for a while (another excuse for not posting what I have already written and saved on the side).

Somehow, publicly sharing about myself, my thoughts, my heart... it's never easy.  I feel vulnerable.   I feel scared.  *shiver*  Being authentically open is not comfortable; however, if I want my friends to know me, really know me, then I need to share what moves me, the driving force behind my choices, my thoughts, and my actions... and for me, the center of my life is Jesus Christ. 

The primary thing that gives me the resolve to write about my personal life is that God is so amazing, so real to me, so loving!  I'm so excited about what I see and what I experience that I want my friends to have a glimpse of how I think and who I really am.  The Kristy you know is tightly woven with my relationship in and with Jesus Christ.  My God is a huge part of my identity, without him by my side, I would not be the person you now know.

So here is what I hesitated, until now, to write:

"Hey Kristy, how do you manage to stay so positive with all the surgeries and chemotherapy treatments?"

"Well... I'm able to be joyful even when times are tough because I have great support through my husband, Noel, my family, my friends and my community."

Uhhhhh.... what?!?  What kind of answer is this?

Sure what I said is true, but I also completely missed the mark of why I am so content with my life, my body, and the physical hardships with cancer.  What I really want to say is "Because I know I am so loved by God, my entire attitude is based on the fact that God's got my back."

My mouth would not open.  I couldn't speak my heart.  Why?  Of all times, I got cold feet.  Fear of being judged, scared of being ignored, I could not express the one main source of light in my life... that God's personal presence in my life _is_ my key, my strength, my hope... he is my everything.

I've seen God come through impossible situations, make money where there should be none, give me strength when I could only crawl, provide to my needs without ever being asked, give me hope when life appeared hopeless... and above it all, in Christ, I have a purpose even as I lost all ability to be who I thought I was... a racer, a paintballer, a rockclimber and a physical therapist.  My identity is not in my abilities, my capabilities, my physical strength, my possessions... my identity is solidly as a child of Christ... this is my hope, my light and my reason in this life and for this life.

The greatest part of who I am and why I am the way I am comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ... and for the life of me, I could not say it.  My very heart, I hid myself  in empty words.

This blog is my second chance.  My opportunity to clearly express myself.

Now I need to practice my blogging muscles again so this one is going to stay short.

Thank you all for reading!  And a big thanks to Tracey for encouraging me to honestly share my thoughts through this blog post... I needed the extra kick.  *big hugs*

--Kristy  (^o^)/

Tiny plum blossoms, drifting under a car while leaving church.  Such small and delicate flowers, God created in beautiful detail... over and over again, I'm amazed at his creations.

Racing Days

Three, two, one, GO!!!

The flag drops, my tires squeal as the acceleration pushes me back into my seat.  Look ahead!  Coming up is a sweeping right turn, left, right, right again.  The harness holds me tight in my seat as the g-force sways me side to side.  My hands grip the steering wheel as I dance the car through a field of cones.  Sharp left, the tail of my car swings around setting me up for the slalom; a nice even pattern of left, right, left, right… break before the turn and back onto the gas again.  Apex that corner so my car can accelerate in a straighter line.  Bouncing over a random bump, I stay on the gas… this last turn looks really tight… don’t give in!  Keeping my foot hard on the gas pedal, I barely dive through the last turn into a hard breaking, tire squealing stop.  Shaking with adrenaline, I carefully pick up my time slip and slap it on the dash.  Gently, I guide my car back onto the grid for the next run. 

My heartbeat still pounds in my ears… I can barely even hear.  I need to plan my next run.  Where did I break too early?  Too late?  How can I take that fourth turn faster?  What’s the best angle to hit the slalom?  Can I blast through that last turn any quicker?  I need more speed, take tighter turns, and find the optimum racing line while avoiding the cones. 

Calming down, I unbuckle my harness and half stand, half roll myself out of my seat.  Standing on shaky legs, I crouch down to feel the tires.  The sun’s on the right of my car, that side’s tires are too warm.  Popping the hood, I let the engine cool a little.  I need to cool down the right tires by spraying the front tires with water, maybe a little water onto the rear tire too.  Let’s lower the front left tire pressure by 0.5psi and the front right by 0.75psi.  What else?  Hmmmmm, guess that’s good enough for now.

Noel steps into the driver’s seat, his turn to race.  I help to strap him in.  At the last moment, I drop the hood, give the car a final check and throw Noel a thumb’s up.  Time to see who’s faster! 

Ah… memories.  *deep sigh* 

This week, as I once again meet up with friends I made during my years of racing, the memories of my racing days hit me hard.  This is where I first met Noel.  This is where I really learned how to handle my car.  I miss the sound of squealing tires and burning rubber.  My hands still feel the vibrations of the steering wheel as my car and I squeeze through turns.  This is where I first experienced friendship in combination with competition.  Nice!

Lord God, you called Noel and I out of racing… then you took me out of paintballing and rockclimbing.  Part of me still hurts that I’ve had to place these hobbies on an indefinite hold.  However, Lord, you are an amazing God.  Lord, you don’t just take away, but in the place of my hobbies, you bring such great joy and give me even more things to do.  You show me the love of my husband, the beauty of life-long friendship, the strength of family, the limits my body can go beyond as I lean on your strength, the treasure that work really is, and the blessings of living my identity in you and not by anything I can do. 

Lord, I may be physically weak, but I do not regret this life in which I’ve chosen to follow you.  You give me meaning in my life, purpose in my path, and strength in my steps.  Keep my eyes focused on you.  Help me not to stray too far to the left or the right.  May my words and my life continue to be a testimony of your goodness, your mercy, and your power.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel and I with Alan, one of the first racing buddies I made almost 13 years ago!

Trusting without Boundaries

Flip, I casually flick another page in our scheduling book.  Eyes roaming, I double check to see who’s off and who’s working the weekend.  As my eyes scan the page, I freeze.  That’s my name!  What?  I don’t remember being notified about working on a Sunday in October.  What went wrong?  I thought I didn’t have my next weekend workday until November!

Rushing to my desk, I quickly type in my password to unlock the computer.  Clicking my work email, I open up the email with a list of my given weekends I acquired after a co-worker left.  Nope, no October weekend.

Heart thumping, I select the shortcut folder for work’s weekend and vacation schedule.   Tapping my cursor over “October,” I rapidly scroll down looking for October 12th.  Yup, right there, that’s my name.  Guess who ever made the initial email request missed noting down this one month.  Yikes, what if I didn't show up to work?!?!!!  *shudder*

Can I do it?  Will I be able to work a Sunday in the burn unit with no occupational therapist back-up?  Questions, concerns, worries... one issue after another pile up in my head.  Burdened and cornered, I decide to pray.

Father God, Creator of the universe… Help!  A huge part of me worries about my strength and endurance in being able to perform heavy transfers, lift weighty limbs, or even to have the physical stability to complete the entire treatment.  Father, I acknowledge that you are all-powerful, that you have complete control, that you know my capabilities and your provisions, that my life and my schedule can be fully guided by you.  Lord, no one will want to take this Sunday, it’s smack in the middle of a three-day weekend with Monday being a holiday off.  Plus, even if someone is willing to take this day, I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured.  *sigh* 

Lord of my life, I give this issue into your capable hands.  Either give me the energy, strength and endurance to make it through Sunday… or give me the help somehow and someway so that I can continue to honor you as I work on whatever day is given me.  Lord, I leave my worries at your feet.  Help me to lean on you... trusting that no matter what happens, you will be there to catch me and to provide for me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Okay Kristy… now I just have to chill and see where God ends up taking me.  *deep breath*  Don’t be anxious.  Don’t worry.  Instead, remember, to this point in my life, God has shown himself and provided over and over and over in more ways that I can even count!  So why not also in this situation?  I will choose to trust God to handle what I cannot control because I believe he is truly and fully in control of my life (even when I’m not) and that he is real.

Two hours later at the end of lunch:

“Hey Kristy, you’re working on a Sunday in October right?  The 12th?”

“Yup!”

“I’m scheduled to work on October the 11th, that Saturday.  Can we switch?  There’s something I want to do that Saturday.”

“Sure, I’d love to switch!  In fact, that’ll be so much better!”

Praise the Lord and a huge thanks to my friend (didn’t ask her permission so I’m not putting up her name)…  prayer answered just like that!  No pressure.  No begging.  No struggling.  No placing co-workers in uncomfortable positions.  No additional stress.  Just like that, it is done… issue resolved. 

Wow!  When God decides to move, everything falls into just the right place!  *wide grin*

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Father God, today was a loooonnnnggggg day.  In the morning, I worked along-side the occupational therapist who is usually stationed in the burn unit... she knows exactly who’s who and what’s what.  Yay! 

Lord, throughout the entire time, I can feel you by my side.  My heart sings for joy as my patients got to experience increased independence and many “first time doing this” situations!  My energy lasted in spurts just long enough to the point where I could escape to rest and recover.  Even during the times when I got tired in the middle of a treatment, my co-worker willingly took over all the prep work and running around for supplies while I either leaned on the linen bin to conserve energy or even the time I had to run out of the room to sit and rest.

All I can say, is that you, my Lord, are an amazing God who provided one thing after the other this entire day.  At the end of the day, I feel kind of bad because I started to complain.  It’s 4:00pm and I’m supposed to be leaving work for home… but that’s not going to happen.  I finished all my wound notes, but haven’t completed (or even started) the morning’s batch of inpatient notes... there are still _six_ notes that I need to complete!

Grumble, grumble.  I know that my attitude isn’t the best.  I really should focus on the myriad of blessings instead of the fact that I need to stay behind so that the next therapist will know about the patients’ progression, treatments I performed…

Stop. 

In all honestly, I know that if I really wanted to leave work, even with my notes not even started… I can.  It’d suck for the person treating the following day, but I have the choice in what I choose to do.  There is no “have-to”… there’s only “it’d be nice for the next person if I completed my work” type of issue.

Father, change my heart to joyfully serve in the full capacity you bless me with.  Even as I sit here at my desk grumbling, you give me the energy and physical stability to remain.  I’m not drained so much I need to run home to rest (surprising after a non-stop, intense type of workday).  So be it, I will choose to serve by completing my work… both to honor you and to bless my co-worker, the one who you used to answer my prayer in her request to switch weekend work days.

Lord, forgive my negative attitude, my selfishness, my misplaced sense of self-righteousness; instead, I ask that you give me wisdom in my documentation, focus to complete the notes to the best of my ability, and help me remember what I did in this morning treatments so that I can properly type and bill.  Give me your peace and correct my attitude.  Let me not work for myself but to do all my work as a reflection of my heart to serve you in worship. 

To my Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the living Holy Spirit… to you be all the glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

Noel and I with a sleeping cat and my many plush toys:

Two Sides of a Coin

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Breath in.  Breathe out.  In.  Out.

I'm still awake. 

Laying in bed, I shudder as a chill runs through my body.  No, I don't have a fever, nor do I have I cold. I just don't feel well.  I feel like a broken record.  I'm tired.  I'm also tired of being tired.

Layer on layer of blankets push down on me.  My arms appreciate the warmth as I snuggle close to Noel.  My feet, not so happy.  The pressure of these blankets, while welcome, seem to bother my feet.  So uncomfortable.  Irritably, I shift my feet, pointing them outwards. The blankets still push on my toes.  This sucks.  Rolling to my left, I snuggle my back against Noel's warmth. 

Cuddling my hot water bottle, I consider my options.  One, I can try to sleep... I really want to sleep.  Did I mention that I'm tired?  Or two, stay awake because I'm going to need to run to the toilet, again.  That'll be the fifth time or maybe sixth time in this hour?  Life can really suck.  Maybe I should take more meds?  Well, if I could know the future, I would've taken meds an hour ago. 

So, why not take the meds now?  *sigh*  Should I brave the cold?  Is it worth it?  Probably... But it'll be cold outside these blessed blankets!  As is, I may have another hour of facing the cold anyways... May as well add another trip. 

Grumbling in my head, I slide my feet out.  Yikes!  The air really is chilly.  I wanna stay in bed!  Half-in and half-out of bed...I'm enjoying the warmth under partial blankets but also feeling the cold in the room.... that part's not so pleasant.  Ah, Kristy, move it!  Flipping the blankets off, I slide out of bed onto my feet.  Legs trembling, I shuffle through the dark, around the bed, to the bathroom.  Closing the door behind me, I flick on the lights.  This way, I won't wake Noel.  At least, I hope I won't.  He's gotta work tomorrow.

Fingers now chilled by the air, I grab my medicine by the sink.  Standing here, my legs tremble.  I wish I could say I'm shivering from the cold.  Yeah, it's chilly, but my legs are just weak.  Today is one if those not-so-good days where everything I do feels like an instant energy drain.  Sinking to my bottom, I sit on the bathroom floor.  Medicine bottle in hand, I stare at the bright orange plastic.  Come on, all I've gotta so is twist the white cap.  *deep sigh*  Did I mention I hate taking meds?

Twisting the white cap, I pop open the lid and pour out little white pills into my palm.  Taking one, I place the rest back into the bottle.  With a click, I twist the cap closed.  Attempting to break the pill in half... well, tonight, that's not working.  My fingers are still strong (I think) but they feel bruised from the neuropathy... kind of hard to use.  Staring at the tiny white pill, I bring it to my mouth and bite.  Half the pill crumbles into my mouth.  Carefully, I twist my upper body until I can grab the counter.  Hands reaching up, I grab ledge.  Pull.  With determination, I heave myself back onto my feet. Placing the pill bottle at the edge of the sink, I gently place the left-over white half-pill on the lid. That will be for later. 

Tired, I lean my elbows on the counter.  Swiveling my left arm, I grab my cup.  Shifting my body left, I shift most my weight onto my left elbow to support myself.  My legs ache.  Silly huh?  Just a little standing and I feel like I'm near my limit. 

Filling my cup with water, I down my medicine.  Hands now frozen by the cold water, I contemplate the walk back to bed.  Should I just stay here in the restroom?  Sure it's cold, but if I need to use the toilet again, I'm so much closer.  Ahhhh, why am I being lazy?  Everything I do, every extra step, is exercise!  I'm weak enough... moving is good for me.

Shuffling forward, I turn off the light.  Opening the door, I inch my way around the base of the bed.  Sitting gently, I carefully swing my legs up and quickly burrow into the comforters.  Ahhhhh, so warm.  Wriggling my feet, I wrap my toes around the warm water bottle Noel placed in the bed just for me.  Lifesaver!  

The soothing warmth calms me.  Slowly, I let my muscles relax.  Sinking into the bed, maybe now I can finally rest?

 

Lord God, I seem to be getting weaker... not stronger.  I know the doctors tell me that I'm doing really well... I'm glad to hear that, but living like this is tough.  Thank you, Father God, for the loving company of friend, for the distraction of starting a jewelry shop on Etsy and for the ability to surf on Pinterest.  Lord, I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to this body.  I know you bless me so that while I hang out with family and friends, my body (for the most part) is on its best behavior.  Thank you so much for that blessing!  Thank you, Lord Father, for taking care of me... for making socializing still possible... for giving me the strength to sit when standing takes too much out of me.

God, being 20 pound lighter than 6 months ago scares me.  It's not like I was chubby before... but now, I just look anorexic.  *shudder*  Father, after chemo is done, can you please help me regain my muscle mass?  Not for looks, but so that I can participate in my hobbies without restrictions.  I want to run while playing paintball, carrying full pods of paint and wearing all my gear.  I want to rock climb, the longer climbs twice without stopping.  I want to walk without my hips getting tired.  I want to stand without fear of collapsing.  When I finally return to work, I want to serve my patients without running to the toilet.

Father, there are days when I have the energy to cook.  Then there are days when I feel like crawling.  One body, but every day changes... I never know what to expect.

 

God, when I'm feeling down, help me to see you... in my life, as my support... remind me that you are the source of my strength.  Father, when this set of chemotherapy is done... can you please heal me?  Fully?  That'd be super nice.  But whatever your plans are, Father, may my attitude, my actions, my heart shine with your Spirit.  May you, O Lord, be ever honored and glorified.  

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Thanks Stephen for the newest video at http://youtu.be/_agZq6Iwc5g

Nina and I learn to cook pad see ew and Korean tacos!  Yummy!  Thanks Nina!

 

 

Karen and I working on earrings.  See how much of a mess I make?

Earrings finished!!!  We're wearing them.  =D

Earrings I made for my sister: sterling silver, pink cats-eye and Swarovski crystal

Red Fire & Ice Earrings... thinking if I should change it.  Red ruby gemstone and Swarovski crystal on sterling silver.

Therapy Making GF Vegan Wonton Wrappers

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Finger tips burning.  Palms tingle.  Everything kinda feels numb.  How far does my neuropathy go?  Up my wrist?  Forearm?  So hard to distinguish what's "normal" anymore.  All I know is that my sense of touch is skewed. Most objects I touch have a sort of soft feel.  My cats, even the one with rougher fur... her fur feels like the softest and fluffiest pelt in the world.

My feet also ache... well, ache isn't quite the right description.   Bruised?  The blankets press my feet into the mattress.  Rolling my feet first right, then left, right again.   Arghhhh.  No matter how I shift my feet, I cant escape the sensation of discomfort.  I give up.  I throw the blankets off.  Cold air hits bare feet.  Whatevers.  I'm going to ignore all the weird signals from my hands and feet!

Tossing my legs over the side of my bed, I slide into standing.  Youch!  What in the world?!?  Do I have blisters or something on the bottom of my feet? Did I somehow burn my feet using the hot water bottle while keeping warm? Bending forward, I grab my ankle.  Flexing my knee, I flip my left foot up to check bottom sole of my foot.  Nothing there.  No redness.  No blisters.  What's going on?  Right foot?  Left foot?  Nothing there but normal pale pink skin and dry crackly-looking heels.  There's nothing on my feet!

Tentatively, I place both feet on the ground.  Stubbornly, I press my feet even harder into the ground.  I am not going to label this feeling as "pain."  Mentally, the labeling of "pain" may limit my actions.  Ummmm... Ignore, ignore.  The more pressure I place on both feet, the stronger this unpleasant "sensation" is. 

I'll never get anything done today if I dwell on the dysfunctions of my body. Ignore.  Absolutely _nothing_ is different from usual.  Get up.  Move!

Reaching out, I grab a pair of fluffy brown socks.  Keeping my feet warm may intensify the annoying signals running through damaged nerve endings... But the more circulation I can maintain, the higher the probability of my body healing.  I'll do anything to maximize recovery to my nerves!  Short-term discomfort, no matter how annoying, is worth the effort!  Plus... additional benefit: desensitization.  Try poking at the same spot, the body stops taking note of the repetitive sensations.  I'll just have to trust that in my case, avoiding discomfort is not to my benefit!

Keep warm.  Keep moving. Stay hydrated to flush out chemicals in my body. Wear soft slippers to distribute pressure and minimize discomfort.  What else?  Ummmmm, massage to increase circulation.  Done!  I'll do this all day, everyday... well, I'm not very disciplined.  *wry grin*  I will do my best to perform the above actions everyday. 

Just in case, I'll write an e-mail to my oncologist: "Besides medication, are there any other ways to manage the new onset of burning and tingling in my hands and feet?"

"I can write you a prescription for Neurontin.  It'll take 2 weeks to become effective."

Ummmmm...  *deep sigh*  I really don't want more medications.  I _hate_ taking meds.  If I mask the current discomforting nerve signals to my brain, how will I know if my nervous system is getting more damaged or is improving?  I'd rather use these annoying physical cues to my advantage... to remind me to take optimal care of my body.  No pain no gain right?  *wink*

Father God, thank you for giving me a high pain tolerance!  Each step I take, literally take, I am reminded of your goodness. I have hands. I have feet. Even though my body doesn't function quite like I want, what I do have still works... well, my body works well enough.  Gotta take and keep every bit I can right?

Lord, thank you for my mind.  Thank you that part of me thrives on challenges. Thank you for my therapist background that allows me to constantly analyze my situation, my actions, my reactions. Thank you for giving me the stubborn determination to continue pushing ever forward.

Father, today, Aleesha, will come over.  Help me to by-pass the pain and the fatigue so that I can enjoy my time with her.  Our plan is to make wontons, even the wrapper.  Father God, help us make these wrappers thin so the wontons won't be tough or doughy or thick.  Everywhere I look online, I either see gluten-free wonton wrapper recipes with an egg to bind the mix together or vegan wonton wrapper recipes using normal flour so the gluten performs the binding. Today, Father God, help us successfully create a gluten-free and vegan wonton wrapper that is super thin and tasty!  Give me wisdom, patience and the correct touch to make these wontons!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Okay!  Let's start!

Ummmmm... Binders to replace the gluten are products like applesauce -too runny... Oil - how in the world is that supposed to hold the dough mixture together?... Flaxseed meal in water -cold water in most recipes makes this mixture slowly congeal, but sometimes, the mixture is too wet.  Then how about flaxseed meal in hot water?  Maybe this mix will be more solid?  Wow... flaxseed meal in hot water congeals fast!  Kinda looks gross though.  *shrug*

Hmmmm... If time is needed for the flaxseed-in-water mixture to congeal... Does that mean everytime I break these bonds with mixing, I'll have to let time pass so the sticky bonds can reconnect?  Theoretically sounds right I think... So long as the binding or thickening reaction is not a one-time deal. *fingers crossed*  This better work!  I refuse to give in and use an egg.  Absolutely refuse!

Next, I bought some gluten-free all-purpose flour online from www.Julesglutenfree.com.  I want to try the commercially sold premixed flours first.  My goal is to get an idea of the potential of gluten-free "flour" mixes before attempting the thousand-and-one options available on the internet to mix my own.  The benefits of this flour by Jules?  It contains all the flours and starches I can easily get near my home while including xanthum gum, a binder which also allows mixing of different materials like oil and water.

Cool... Let's mix the wrapper dough first, then let the dough mixture sit and bind while we flavor the meat filling!

Oh Lord, thank you that I was able to by-pass the constant pain and have fun! Aleesha and I successfully made gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers!  With that single mixture, we made: chicken wontons, chicken potstickers, green onion pancakes and cranberry pancakes!  Yay!!! One type of dough for all 4 products.  How cool is that?!?

Thank you, thank you, Lord, that you provided the knowledge to handle this dough mixture.  As the dough started to dry out (even covered by plastic wrap), the drying starch started squeaking while we rolled it!  The dry dough, which looked fine, actually squeaks!  Wow... thank you for the noisy signal to mix more water into the dough and the wisdom to let it re-rest and bind.  Thank you, Lord God, for a very usable, multi-purpose, dough mixture!

Father God, thank you that I am still able to have so much fun in the midst of constantly changing physical dysfunctions. Thank you for always giving me fun things to look forward to and people to spend time with.  Thank you, Lord God, for giving me hope.  For giving me yummy food to eat.  For giving me time to rest.

Father, each week, I feel more and more tired.  Sitting isn't so bad, but standing... Lord, I feel drained so quickly.  As each day passes, am I getting weaker because of the chemotherapy still in my system?  Or am I getting weak from laying around and "resting" so frequently?  It's funny... I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time.  Father, my muscle mass is building up, but the duration I can use my muscles is getting exponentially shorter... It's like my energy capacity is shrinking... Almost as if the more muscles I have, the quicker I burn through my limited energy resources.

Lord God, please give me patience with myself.  Help me to not get frustrated with my limited mobility.  Help me to not get depressed as my fingers go numb and my thoughts become unclear.  Lord, give me strength of heart and courage to keep picking out the positive aspects of my life. Help me to live my fullest with smiles, laughter, joy and peace that comes only by following you and seeing you in action.

May all the glory and praise go to you, Lord.  Thank you for always providing abundant blessings.  Thank you for all the wonderful support I have in my life. In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.

Aleesha slaving away at making wontons!  =D

Gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers... look how thin we got them!  =O

Look at what Aleesha and I made!  Hurray!

Dinner: chicken wontons in vegetable broth, potstickers and pineapple chicken fried rice. *drool* (we already finished eating all the green onion and cranberry pancakes!)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! 

May you and your family be blessed with good memories, intentional conversations, laughter and abundant smiles this year and next.  Thanks for reading!  *hugs* --Kristy

Life's Journey with God

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today, my nurse said, "I was reading your chart.  Wow, you've gone through a lot.  How do you stay so cheerful?"

How should I answer?  I don't have a quick easy answer except to say "God is good, really good."  Even a reply like this doesn't provide a full understanding of how God enables me to be cheerful.

My attitude and my personality alone didn't create this cheerfulness. Rather, I've struggled with so many ups and downs... been spun around with unexpected events occurring  so far out of the blue that I've heard many repetitions of the comment "this usually doesn't happen."  In truth, I'm cheerful and I take joy in seeing the blessings God brings into my life... but I can't say I'm "happy" about having cancer or living with so many unexpected struggles.

I'm learning to roll with the punches, to expect the unexpected. But most of all, I believe that my God has a purpose for my life.  I believe I have an all-powerful God guiding my life who can fully cure me of all my problems right now; however, I also believe in this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his [God's] purpose."  Romans 8:28 (New King James Version)

So for those, like me, who love God... what is this good thing we get?  This goodness is an advantage that benefits those who love God and specifically is linked with following God's purpose/calling.  This verse doesn't talk about getting good things like gifts just for the sake of acquiring more things... instead, this verse is about situational advantages that God promises to provide so that those who love him are enabled to walk the path he's laid out.

I know God loves me and that I am spoiled by his many provisions.  I know that God will shape my life to grow me to love him more so that my life can reflect his purpose, his power, his will.  I've find that my life is coming together in many unexpected ways.  In and through this cancer journey, I know I am undoubtably loved.

Quick list of huge blessings I've noted:
*Financially, Noel and I are not in the red even with a significant decrease in income these past few years... totally unexpected!
*My new dietary requirements would normally be a lot more difficult except that God has provided multiple people in my life who have already experienced similar issues and can provide a lot of insight.
*Driving for groceries is difficult, but God provides food from friends.
*Waves of despair and depression are buoyed by the constant support and encouragements of family and friends.
*God gave me medical knowledge in order to circumvent and manage many physical issues related to edema, open wounds, scars, fatigue, nutrition and medicine.

My conclusion: God has a reason and a purpose for my life, for this cancer, for all the ups and downs I have and will struggle through.

Lord Father God, you gave me this life... you can just as easily take this life away.  Why am I here?  What am I doing?  Lord, I know you have a broader vision.  Give me a glimpse of where you are leading me so I can hope, so I know where and how to fight.  May I be your soldier in this world, but not of it. Give me strength.  Give me insight.  Give me wisdom.  Give me courage.

Lord, help me fight where I need to fight.  Give me a humble attitude to listen when I need to follow.  Continue to boost my attitude as I chose to live this life in service to you. May my life, my words, my heart shine with your spirit.  May this life bring you, my God,  honor and glorify your name.  Give me reason to keep smiling.  Give me the heart to see the good and the fun in this life's journey.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Playing paintball with our team: Uprising!

Exercising or sleeping? Take a guess :P

Wanting to do what I shouldn't

"You want to do what?"

"Ummmmmm... Paintball.  After I get that port (little box for easy intravenous access) placed under the skin in my chest... Can I play paintball?  You know, the sport where you carry guns and shoot each other with little balls of paint?  It's really really fun!"

*blink blink*

"I haven't played paintball since my surgery.  Even though I'm a lot weaker now, I wanted to play at least once before chemotherapy!"

"You can play if the port won't get hit, it'll hurt."

"Uhhhhh, if pain was the only issue, I wouldn't be asking and I wouldn't play paintball.  I have a very high pain tolerance.  So... regardless of pain, can I play paintball?"  *hopeful look*

"Well.... You can play paintball only if you guarantee that the port doesn't get hit.  It's placed just under your skin so if you're not careful, the skin will tear."

"Oh.  *super deep sigh* no matter how much padding I wear, there's no guarantee I can avoid a hit.  Maybe, just maybe... if I ask to have the port placed lower on my chest... then I can bend forward and protect the area! Yeah!  Maybe that will work?" 

In response to my comment, I get a look filled with incredulity, incomprehension and doubt.

"Okay, okay.  Maybe not... no paintball.  Don't worry... this time, I'll be good."

I'm I that weird?  Are my words are incomprehensible?  *downcast demeanor*  Being told I can't do something... well... now I wanna play paintball even more!  *deep sigh* My pride's not worth screwing up the minor procedure required to place the port in...  I'm irritated!  Rwar!  I hate being told I can't do something!

Father God, thank you that in my week of weakness, you strengthened my body for a day to hang out with friends... many whom I haven't seen in years!  Thank you for giving me the strength and health to be outside again.  I love feeling the sunshine, gentle breeze, laughter with friends.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me an opportunity to smile, a time of hope.

In Jesus' name, I ask for you, Lord God, to bring peace and joy to my friends and family as you have to me.

Friends from childhood and college years!  =)

Me and my precious friend, Suzanne!  Love ya lots!

Noel and I feeding a ram at Tilden Little Animal Farm.

Romans 15:13 (NIV)
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Paintball Day

Saturday, July 27, 2013


Excitement
                                                   Anticipation
                       Anxiety

Jittery and bright-eyed, I jump out of bed. Today's finally the long-awaited paintball day!

Chill breeze
                                   Gray skies
                   Quiet...
                                                     Calm before the coming storm

What will today be like? It’ll be awesome because I believe that God provided this day to be exactly what it is!  Whatever comes about… today will be a day of blessings!

At the paintball field, set up starts: friends come early to help, Noel deals with the overall set-up and I assign groups. Last-minute waiver forms wave in my face. Money flashes by. Furiously scribbling notations and new updates… more friends come. Numbers flying, last-minute changes... Ahhhhhhhhhh. I give up! I don't have time to recalculate... I can't delay or we will start playing too late. Let’s pay up and get started!

Front desk:

16 rentals with 500 paintballs, 7 rentals with 1000 rounds of paint, 7 self-equipped... 3 of these are team admits.... Oops, make that 2 _more_ rentals with 500 rounds of paint. Oh, you don't have a gun? I lost count. There’s one person with no equipment, can I get another rental and I’ll count people later and let you know if we owe a rental fee.

Okay… how many want/need chest protectors? No, not everyone gets chest protectors, only girls and people who are really afraid of getting hurt. 14?  Do 14 of you _really_ need chest protectors?  Never mind.  Okay, can we get 14 chest protectors… here, can you hand these out? Oh yeah, a pod pack for each rental please… oh, you only have 14? Okay, we’ll take those 14 pod packs. Uhhhhhh, we're missing a bag of paint? *dripping sweat* Guess there was an uncounted for rental. I’ll pay for one more rental package with 500 paintballs please!

That’s all for rentals and equipment right? Okay, let’s get ready to play!  Santa Clara Paintball will provide orientation to safety, additional introduction by Noel and I regarding equipment usage, prayer, group picture (because I know I’ll forget later!), hand out bags of paint, meet and greet teammates, get to know your team coaches... let's go play!

Father in Heaven, thank you thank you THANK YOU so much for a fun-filled day of paintball: running, yelling, shooting, tension, excitement, teamwork, communication, learning, teaching, adrenaline, pain, full-out physical activity, sharpened senses, fear, bruises, joyfully bright smiles… so much life! Thank you, Father God, for the ability to grow together with friends, to meet new people… to experience your thousand-and-one blessings in unexpected ways.

Father, even as I got really antsy and irritable with the constant last-minute changes… Lord, you gave me peace and calmness of heart and the humility to apologize for my high-strung demands for waivers and money ASAP. *wide grin* Lord, even in the midst of all this event planning and execution, thank you for the peace of knowing that this is your event, under your protection and provision… and because of that, I’m able to be at peace when I acknowledge your power and your authority… to lean on you and not myself.

Lord, you provided us with personal equipment from Santa Clara Paintball staff as our own equipment broke down. You gave us wonderful coaches and lieutenants who actively invested in teaching beginners how to play and handle equipment, friends who came to watch assisted in driving people to our home for lunch... you provided time to take pictures, time to rest, plenty of water, snacks and food... so much and more!  Lord God, your abundance of blessings is again beyond any expectations… anything I could even have dreamed of on my part. Father, thank you for again showing me your power and your strength when I am weak… thank you for providing when I can’t… thank you for turning a crazy event into a manageable one… thank you for covering all aspects I didn’t plan for!

Thank you, Father God, for this opportunity to play paintball with a lot of friends right before my surgery!

Lord... I don't know what else to say except "thank you" over and over and over again!  Your love and your provisions and your attention to details is amazing!

So... In Jesus’ name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.

All the daring peeps who were able to make it out to play paintball today!

These are the captains and lieutenants who made this event possible (I'm in here too!)  =P  Thanks everyone!!!  Totally couldn't do this type of event without all of you present!  *big hugs*

Being Uncertain...

Friday, February 15, 2013

YAY!!!  Noel and I are hosting a paintball event tomorrow!

“Hey, you wanna come paintballing with us?”

I’m not sure how many people I've asked… one after the other, I get replies of “sorry, not my thing” or “I don’t wanna get hurt.”  *nod nod*  Totally understandable.  Paintball as an activity/sport where you run around shooting others and getting shot in return… ummmm, bruising is expected.  *wide grin*  Paintball definitely isn’t everyone’s notion of a great weekend activity… although, for Noel and I, we love playing paintball!  *smirk* 

Key issues with tomorrow’s paintball event that gnaw at me:

*We need 20 people for a private field and referee (Noel and I cannot participate in the general open field for beginners while using our own equipment).    =O

*If we have 15-19 people attending, we can each pay an additional $5 to get our own field and private referee.  More games!  *drool*  But I don't want to spend more money.

*If we don’t get a private field (even with Noel and I renting the paintball guns), our group will get lost amongst a large group of strangers, no teamwork, no ability to teach our friends in a structured environment, and these large groups turn around to the next game very VERY slowly.  *deep sigh*

Father God, I'm very anxious!  Lord, I’ve got this tangle of emotions, knotted, hard, sour, churning and twisting inside me.  No matter how I pray, I don’t feel calm.  I don’t feel at peace.  I don’t feel good.  *sniffle*  Instead, I feel like a failure… that this paintball event is so difficult to set-up.  God, I want to honor you with this paintball event.  I want people to see that Christians can have fun and enjoy your blessings in a very different format.  I want your presence visible tomorrow at the paintball field.  I want people to know that something’s different and that difference is you.  I want people to come as they are… to not have to spend more money than we already stated the rental/admit fees are… I want to honor the people who said they’d come participate in paintball with us with a private field, a personal referee so that Noel and I can join in and play too!  I want a format in which Noel and I can teach, have fun, run around and enjoy ourselves with our friends.  I want, I want, I want….  

*pause*  

 Lord God… what do you want for us?

God, give Noel and I the heart to follow yours.  May you turn our hearts to match what you care for.  People are more important to you than money or control or convenience.  God, give Noel and I the wisdom in how we play, in our attitudes, in our heart to serve, in the snacks and water we bring… that it may be enough.  God in Heaven… In this paintball event, match my heart and Noel’s heart to yours so that what you treasure, we will too.  Through this, Lord, I ask that you give us peace… that everything big and small… we leave into your loving hands.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

God really is an awesome God!  The paintball event is beyond anything I could’ve wished for… I’m still in awe! 

Beautiful day, everyone there by 8:45 am, private field, personal referee, choice of fields and more games than I’ve played in one day in years!  =D  There’s so much that God provides… I don’t even know how to get my sense of joy, excitement and emotions across through words.  All I can say is that today is a day of many wonderful experiences, opportunities in getting to know people and a bird with red on its wings even ate out of my hand while flying in the air!  *Laughter*

Here are some pictures to show what I don't know how to express/say:

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Sitting in the sun, I open a book given by friends for Christmas titled “The ALL IN Life: Raw, Real & Unreligious” by Marc Owings and David Terry.  This book quoted a Dr. Henry Blackaby: “There is a curious notion and idea in the Church today that ‘God will not call me to do something that I cannot do.’…  It is my experience, and testimony of Scripture, that if I believe God has called me to do something that I believe I can do, it probably wasn’t God speaking at all.  It was me speaking to me.”

So true!  If I could do all the crazy activity planning and execution of events by myself, I wouldn’t need God!  *smirk* I hate being stretched and uncomfortable, but I love seeing God clearly at work!

Lord in Heaven, thank you for giving me more than I can handle alone.  Thank you for always providing for my true needs and my true wants buried underneath what I think I need and what I think I want.  Thank you Lord, that I’m nowhere near perfect!  Thank you, Father, that in my weakness, my fear, my personal inabilities… that you, Lord, step in… so that I can clearly see you (and not me) in action.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Dirty Work

Monday, November 12, 2012

A couple days ago, I got this bright idea to clean and re-seal the main bathtub's shower doors.  Well, our home is over 25 years old and the sealant in the tub has probably never been replaced.  Edged in black mold, two areas under the shower door appear to leak rust-colored water after showers. *shudder*  Not clean!!!

Knowing myself, I'm way too lazy to undertake a project by myself.  Currently, the weather is cold and the sky is overcast, my tendency is to hibernate. *Sheepish grin*   To encourage myself (and to make sure I don't back out on this shower door project), I ask my friend, Annie, for help.  She so nicely agrees to spend Veteran's Day (Monday, November 12) doing a very.... Ummmmmmmm...... inglorious project. Does she know what she's getting herself into?  Do I know what I'm getting myself into?

Come Monday afternoon... It's COLD!  Heheheeeeee.... I know's it's afternoon already, but the air feels crisp with a bright cold snap.  The sun shines bright, so I crawl into a small patch of sunlight; unfortunately, the sun is not enough to warm my skin.  Brrrrrrrr.... So cold!  Annie's coming soon.  It is so NOT fair if she has to get out of bed, drive over to my home to help only to find me huddled in bed.  No good!  Okay, Kristy, out of bed and get ready to face the day.  *sigh*

After a warm lunch, Annie and I prepare to start. Screwdrivers, two, check.  Razorblades, check.  Caulk, check.  Metal pokey thing for fine-point scraping, check.  Gloves, check.  Mask, check.  Ready?  Maybe and maybe not.  *shrug*  I'll never know until I start.... and then, it's too late.  *grimace*

Taking the shower doors off required lifting the whole top frame assembly with the doors hanging on it... then sliding the door sideways out of the frame.  Bottom of the doors are black and slimy from unmentionable gunk mixed with mold.  Unscrewing the side frames and bottom bracket... easy.  It's the next part I shudder to think too much about.  Hidden behind the gold-colored metal is white caulk edged in black mold.  Ewwwww!

Annie and I drag the shower door pieces outside.  Sitting in the cold sun, scrubbing and chiseling at mold coated rubber, spraying chill water, Annie and I work diligently to finish, clean and dry each piece of the shower door.  Leaving the separate components outside to completely air dry, we trudge back inside.  Heads bending low, we use flat-head screwdrivers and razors to scrape away the old sealant.  Ick... more gunk.

About 5 hours from start to almost-finish... we have sealed the bathtub edge, placed the shower door frame back in place and resealed everything in sight!

Lord Father in heaven, thank you for such a great friend... one who tirelessly worked beside me and encouraged me to properly complete this project.  Thank you, Father, for just enough caulk to reseal everything!  Lord, the shower door's still sitting on the side because we hit a glitch.  The bottom frame of the shower door doesn't quite touch the tub's edge so I squeezed more caulk there.  Now, it's Wednesday, the abnormally thick layer of caulk isn't curing well in this cold weather.  Thank you, Lord God, that we have another shower in this household to use.  *wide grin*

Lord, can you please seal the bathtub and door with it's frame properly for me?  I jump into these projects knowing the theory behind what to do, but rarely do things go perfectly smoothly... so Lord, I ask that you minimize my mistakes and give me wisdom in what to do.  Should I scrape out the thick sealant, add a rubber filler and then reseal?  Or should I just wait a couple more days in hopes that the caulk will be able to seal itself?  *deep sigh*  Lord, I ask for your wisdom and your blessings on this "simple" shower door project.  I place my worries and my cares into your capable hands... and I NEVER want to have to redo this bathtub again in the next 10 years!  Please?  =O

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.