Always Looking Forward

Janurary 1, 2014

Wow... A brand new year.  Resolutions?  None, I never keep them. 

I'm stuck in the hospital for chemotherapy again.  Today's my third day... only one more day left here before I get to leave.  Hurray!!!  Because of my increased neuropathy, my oncologist decided to stop the most likely culprit, Ifosfamide, resulting in one less day in the hospital.  So happy!  Plus, this is my fourth round.  The doctor says one or two more rounds (I'm hoping for only one more... But I'm betting that if I look good and react well, it'll probably be upped to two more rounds of chemotherapy with Doxorubicin).

I've read so much manga that I'm bored.  I get bored easily huh?  Everyone tells me, "Get out of the room.  Go for a walk."  When I'm working as a physical therapist, I remember telling my patients the very same thing.  However, now being the patient, I feel very different.  Outside my room, it's cold.  Outside my room, when I exercise, I draw a lot of attention.  I don't see anyone else punching or kicking or stretching.  Funny, as a therapist working with my patients, I never cared what people around me thought.  Now as a patient with no one standing by my side, I feel shy.  I'll just stay in my room.

Hmmmmm, how best to amuse myself?  Stair steps?  Done.  Squats?  Done.  High knee march, single leg balance, stretch, punches with trunk rotation, high kicks... All done.  What else can I do to spice things up while staying in my room?  While pondering, I raise the head high on my hospital bed.  Flinging my legs up, I lay my head where most people have their feet.  Casually, I start pedaling my feet in the air, add in a couple crunches, toss in some more trunk twists to hit my obliques... still standard.  Boring.  What else can do that is new? 

Laying here with my feet up, I've already received 3 comments from different staff members concerning my position.  I don't like drawing attention, but I am also somewhat practical.  If I'm going to laze around, I want my position to be beneficial.  The better I manage or prevent any swelling in my legs, the less injury and stress to my system.  Gotta keep thinking long-term.  I'll deal with some comments and curiosity, it's still better than hanging outside my room!

Now... Fun new exercise... What to do.  With my leg still up, I lift my butt off the bed.  Okay, new style bridging technique!  Lifting my right leg up, I twist my trunk and touch my right foot to the left side of the bed.  Not bad.  Repeat with my left leg to my right.  Well, at least this requires more muscle control than walking.  Bleah... Walking in this hospital makes me feel like a hamster running on a wheel and going nowhere.  This is better.

Flipping myself onto my stomach, my legs are still higher than my head.  Bent backwards, yikes, a very effective abdominal and hip flexor stretch.  Pushing my arms straight, I perform a couple push-ups.  Nice.  The semi-soft bed, constantly changing the pressure beneath my palms, makes a simple push-up into an activity requiring balance.  Can I lift one arm up?  Naw, if I fall, I'll get everyone in trouble.  For today, not worth the risk.  =D

Father God, thank you so much that even while stuck in the hospital, I've earned the trust of the medical staff so I have more freedom.  I'm allowed to measure and empty my own urine.  I can take a shower without the staff hovering over my shoulders.  I no longer get comments like "Make sure you tell me when you get out if bed so I can help you."  *shudder*  I also don't get told anymore to go for a walk.  Instead, when I tell the staff that I don't need Lovenox injections since I'm very mobile, they just say "okay" instead of the the arguments I used to get.  Now, when I make a suggestion in regards to minimizing my intake of anti-nausea medications... even though I still got some odd looks and doubtful glances, I don't have to fight and do a lot of talking to convince the hospital staff. Yay!

Lord, I guess I thank you that the medical staff is adapting to my oddness.  I still hate feeling "trapped."  I really dislike all the background buzzing, beeps, light, and lack of privacy.  My current roommate moans quite a bit and calls me to call her nurse for her.  The inescapable hospital smell of fecal matter, cleaning scents and dry air drives me up the wall.  But even with all these annoyances... I can still count the many blessings and laugh.

So Lord, I ask that you turn my thoughts away from inescapable annoyances so I can seek out the blessings.  Help me forge ever forward... not to look at where I am; but instead, help me see where I'm going.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Happy New Year everyone!  May you be blessed with much laughter, the creation of awesome memories and peace when times get tough.  Know that there exists an almighty God who loves you beyond all earthly reason.  Through the love of Jesus Christ, be blessed with always looking forward with joy and hope and love.  Love ya! --Kristy

 This is me, legs up, writing my blog in the hospital bed:

 

Washing Dishes

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Noel's day:
Feed Kristy in the morning
Make sure Kristy drinks water and takes medicine
Heats up hot water and places water in a bottle to keep Kristy warm
Braves the cold for work
Goes grocery shopping
Comes home for more Kristy care 
Cooks dinner and preps lunch for next day

"Noel, it's okay.  I'll do the dishes.  You can just leave them there."

Two days later... the dishes are still present.  Well... actually, now there are more plates, utensils, cups and pans than before.  Yikes!  Dishes sure pile up fast in only two days.  Disgruntled, I stand at the sink, staring at the pile of plates, utensils, pans, containers spread over the counter, piled in the sink, balanced on a bucket.  *deep sigh*  These dirty dishes sure aren't going to clean themselves... the last 2 days have proved it!

Angling the parabolic space-heater, I aim the heat directly towards the sink where I plan to stand and wash the dishes.  Grabbing the sponge, I pump the dispenser and glob on tons of dish detergent all over the sponge and my hands.  Perfect!  Gently, I start with the cleanest, most non-oily, dishes I can find to help clear space in the sink.  One mug, then two.  A tall glass cup.  A small glass container and it's plastic lid.  Two light plastic tupperwares.  Ummmm... something's not right.  Why does my heart feel like it's pounding away a mile a minute?

I move my left hand over my right wrist... wow, my heart's thumping.  Staring at my watch, I start counting my pulse.  Forty beats in fifteen seconds... what?!!!  I rarely count that many beats!  Let's see... 40 x 4 is 160 heartbeats per minute.  =O  Usually, my heart doesn't beat that fast unless I'm running around like crazy and sweating!  Washing dishes is not what I would ever label as a workout.

Leaning forward, I rest my forearms at the edge of the sink.  How about if I wash the dishes even slower?  Not like I was scrubbing pots or anything... but if I slow down some, will my heart-rate decrease?

Gently, I swirl the sponge over a small plate.  Rinse.  Three forks, two steak knives, a chopstick.  Rinse.  I can feel my shoulders droop forward.  My respiratory rate is speeding up.  My back starts to bend under my own bodyweight.  I'm _tired_... my legs are starting to feel like jelly.  This dishwashing chore isn't going to work.

Stumbing slightly over my own feet, I stand in front of the heater.  Almost crumbling, my legs fold until I sit... one leg folded across the floor, the other leg bent to prop my right arm and head.  I'll just sit here and rest.

Panting slightly, I take my pulse again.  Well, this time, my heart rate is only at 120 beats per minute.  Better, but it still sucks.  I did nothing I'd consider a workout to get my heart rate so high.  Wow... am I that weak now?

Lord God, even as I write this blog... I can still feel my heart thumping, a uncomfortable pressure in my chest, a slight quickness of breath, a heaviness in my limbs, a shakiness in my fingers.  Is this what it's like to be weak?  Is my body that frail?  I feel old, worn out. Where's the energy I'm used to?  Until now, I've always been able to dig an extra spurt of energy from some unknown storage.  Is it gone?

Father God, I know people say to rest... but I'm used to puttering around the house as my "rest."  Wash dishes, climbing stairs... these are not things I've ever considered as exercise.  But for now, I guess I should re-label any activities as exercise.  Yesterday, I was surprised at how tired I became after only sitting for four hours... the rest of the day, I spent in bed.

Yikes, I'm at a level of some patients I used to work with in the hospital.  I never thought I'd ever consider myself physically weak.  *smirk* Should I test myself?  I wonder how much I can lift or carry now?  How far can I run?  How many flights of stairs can I climb?  Ahhhh, it's really depressing to see how weak I really am.

God, help me not focus on what I cannot do.  Instead, help me continue to focus on what I _can_ do.  I'm not sure if I'm able to improve my strength and function while on chemotherapy... but at least, I don't want to get any weaker than I already am!

Lord, give me strength.  Strength of body.  Strength of spirit.  Strength of heart.  In the name of Jesus I ask, amen.

Sitting in the sun with my two cats.  =D

Life's Journey with God

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today, my nurse said, "I was reading your chart.  Wow, you've gone through a lot.  How do you stay so cheerful?"

How should I answer?  I don't have a quick easy answer except to say "God is good, really good."  Even a reply like this doesn't provide a full understanding of how God enables me to be cheerful.

My attitude and my personality alone didn't create this cheerfulness. Rather, I've struggled with so many ups and downs... been spun around with unexpected events occurring  so far out of the blue that I've heard many repetitions of the comment "this usually doesn't happen."  In truth, I'm cheerful and I take joy in seeing the blessings God brings into my life... but I can't say I'm "happy" about having cancer or living with so many unexpected struggles.

I'm learning to roll with the punches, to expect the unexpected. But most of all, I believe that my God has a purpose for my life.  I believe I have an all-powerful God guiding my life who can fully cure me of all my problems right now; however, I also believe in this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his [God's] purpose."  Romans 8:28 (New King James Version)

So for those, like me, who love God... what is this good thing we get?  This goodness is an advantage that benefits those who love God and specifically is linked with following God's purpose/calling.  This verse doesn't talk about getting good things like gifts just for the sake of acquiring more things... instead, this verse is about situational advantages that God promises to provide so that those who love him are enabled to walk the path he's laid out.

I know God loves me and that I am spoiled by his many provisions.  I know that God will shape my life to grow me to love him more so that my life can reflect his purpose, his power, his will.  I've find that my life is coming together in many unexpected ways.  In and through this cancer journey, I know I am undoubtably loved.

Quick list of huge blessings I've noted:
*Financially, Noel and I are not in the red even with a significant decrease in income these past few years... totally unexpected!
*My new dietary requirements would normally be a lot more difficult except that God has provided multiple people in my life who have already experienced similar issues and can provide a lot of insight.
*Driving for groceries is difficult, but God provides food from friends.
*Waves of despair and depression are buoyed by the constant support and encouragements of family and friends.
*God gave me medical knowledge in order to circumvent and manage many physical issues related to edema, open wounds, scars, fatigue, nutrition and medicine.

My conclusion: God has a reason and a purpose for my life, for this cancer, for all the ups and downs I have and will struggle through.

Lord Father God, you gave me this life... you can just as easily take this life away.  Why am I here?  What am I doing?  Lord, I know you have a broader vision.  Give me a glimpse of where you are leading me so I can hope, so I know where and how to fight.  May I be your soldier in this world, but not of it. Give me strength.  Give me insight.  Give me wisdom.  Give me courage.

Lord, help me fight where I need to fight.  Give me a humble attitude to listen when I need to follow.  Continue to boost my attitude as I chose to live this life in service to you. May my life, my words, my heart shine with your spirit.  May this life bring you, my God,  honor and glorify your name.  Give me reason to keep smiling.  Give me the heart to see the good and the fun in this life's journey.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Playing paintball with our team: Uprising!

Exercising or sleeping? Take a guess :P

Mental War

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sleepy.  Everyday, I wake up a little more tired.  A little less energy.  A little less motivated to move.  Get up!  Kristy... You can't let yourself get stuck here.  I've just started chemotherapy, this is only my first round of 5... So much more to go.  I'm barely out of the starting gate!  If I stop moving now, I'll never be able to carry myself to the end.

Mouth dry.  My breath stinks.  The sink feels so far away.  The energy needed to brush my teeth... Give me some time to re-energize, I'll make it.  I really can't complain.  I'm given room service, share a room with a lady in such a way we don't clash.  The bathroom contains a shower and toilet on my side, her side contains the sink. I even requested a stationary bike and have one in my room which overlooks a lush green garden.  Cool mist coats the leaves.  A slight breeze stirs the leaves.  No birds, no squirrels, but I'm sure they're there.

The care I get is great, but nothing beats being at home. I constantly compare: hospital versus home... Besides "home" being my own private place with everything set-up just the way I like... The hospital's not so different... at least, that's what I try to tell myself.  I've got a bed to sleep in, lots of pillows to cuddle with, internet access... Naw, it's not the same. Here at the hospital, I'm told what to take and when.  My skin is examined in detail by strangers for pressure ulcers.  My urine is constantly being monitored.  My every meal is examined. The IV machine constantly clicks, tailing me wherever I go.  Hospital staff walk in and out as I take a shower, even a change of clothing requires assistance to disconnect the lines attached to my chest.

I keep telling myself... this situation isn't so bad.  I'm mostly awake, I'm stable enough to ride a stationary bike, I can take a shower by myself without help, I can eat without throwing up, I'm able to perform exercises in bed and out... Now, when do I leave this plush cage?  Tomorrow!!!  I totally can't wait!

Lord Father, I'm not sure what I'm doing here.  Getting chemotherapy... getting sicker to get better.  Part of me understands the logical reasons for going through this whole process, but another part of me just wants to stop this whole chemotherapy and let things be.  This fight is both physical and mental.  I'm not sure which is harder to deal with.

Father in Heaven, please give me strength.  The strength to see beyond where I am and what I'm currently experiencing.  Help me focus on the future, the next step, to stay cheerful, to have hope and purpose in you. God, this life doesn't feel much like living.  Imprisoned.  Chained.  Please help me see beyond these walls.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Got IV?

Progress?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

For a while... my body felt great!  I was feeling stronger, healthier, more mobile.  Yay hope!

Now... These last couple of days, my body is taking a couple of steps backwards.  This is depressing.  I can't control how my body reacts.  So.... Instead of dwelling on what I cannot control, I will focus on what I can control.

Shuffle step.  Shuffle step.  Standing in front of a mirror, I assess my posture. Horrible!  I tell my patients to stand straight... "No matter the pain, walk as if your body is normal like everyone else."  Now am I following that same advice?  Nope!  No matter how I command my body, I can't seem to stand straight.  Forget the aches, forget the scar pulling.... Still can't stand straight! No way am I going to walk hunched forward for the rest of my life!

Okay, time for some homework!  I'm too used to laying sideways, partially curled.  Sleeping sideways doesn't help either!  First step... Tummy time! Laying on my stomach, I slowly inch my elbow under my upper body.  Slowly, slowly... Push through my elbows and shoulders I arch my back.  Yikes, this hurts!  Come on... Keep going... Ahhhhhh, I know!  Tummy time and reading manga!  If I don't arch my upper body enough, I can't read!  Incentive!

Uhhhhhh, my shoulders are shaking!  Such weak muscles!  Ummmmmm, how can I keep stretching and still read manga?  Got it!  Throwing a pillow on my bed, I carefully roll my back onto the pillow.  Facing the ceiling, I cautiously uncurl my legs... my butt finally touches the bed.  Next, my head and shoulders.  Uncurl, relax... Carefully, I settle my shoulders back.  Well, not the most comfortable position, but stretching is stretching.

Stand up.  Head high.  Shoulders back.  Chest out.  Back straight.  Feet planted.  Cool!  After a couple days of prolonged stretching, I can finally stand upright!  Hurray!!!

Right leg step.  Firm.  Muscles controlled.  Tight.  No slouching!

Left leg step.  Firm.  Muscles controlled.  Tight.  Shoulders back!  Head high!

Purposeful movements with control and precision.  I'm looking for maximal muscle usage with minimal workout intensity.  I need to make the most of each step, every muscle, every bit of freedom I've finally regained!  Multi-purpose workout...  no impact, no stress... I want to make every move count!

Lord God, please keep giving me wisdom in how to retrain my body.  Help stabilize my body for the better!  I keep thinking... "I should be better by now..."  But, thank you, Lord, that by your provision, I'm not worse than I am now!

Father, please grow me strong again before my next chemotherapy treatment. Yesterday, I did a little research into the two chemo medicines I will receive.... as expected, the usual nausea, vomiting, fatigue and hair-loss... Then there's the scary stuff like heart problems that can appear years later! Well, Lord, you gave me this body for a reason.  Father, help me not focus on what I lack; instead, give me the strength to enjoy what I have and be at peace with what I can do.

God, in Jesus' name, help me be more than I am through your strength, your power, your promise of hope.  Amen.

Able to make it to our friends' wedding!

Outside is beautiful... getting tired, but well worth it!

Exercise

Exercise and I have an ongoing love-hate relationship. I have a strong dislike for doing an action purely to get or stay strong... Instead, I like to build muscle through paintball, rockclimbing, and crazy projects (like working in my backyard or refinishing my kitchen cabinets). Well, none of those preferred activities are available to me right now with my 10# lifting restriction. *shrug* Standard exercise it is! *sigh*

Today, I pulled out Beach Body Insanity to help guide my workout. And no, I'm not crazy enough to jump right in and do everything... I think I'd flop from exhaustion! Regardless, the jogging in place, high knee marches, lunges... For now, these exercises with the cool-down and stretches are enough to make me sweat. *grin* I can't wait until I'm back to my normal form! I'm looking forward to a hike up Mission Peak and to paintball once my restrictions are off.

For now, I'm going to start ramping up my daily activities. I'm giving myself the option of doing one of the Beach Body Insanity DVDs or going out for a walk/run for this week. Next week, I plan to do both! We'll see, I feel motivated now, but I have the hardest time being consistent! *sheepish grin*

Father, thank you for providing the warm weather that motivates me to be outside! Thank you that I feel so good I now want to exercise! May you please bless me with wisdom in how to exercise and how hard to safely push myself. I want to honor you Lord by taking care of this body that your Spirit resides in and that the Bible calls a temple.

I continue to ask for wisdom and guidance for the doctors involved in my care. Please help guide the doctors to the correct people to contact in order to discuss my case and to make the appropriate decisions. I also ask that you provide accurate testing and analysis of the tissue samples at Stanford. Thank you Lord that The first lab was willing to get a second opinion at Stanford. I don't know the final results yet (and the doctors say they don't know it either)... So instead, Father, I ask for a heart of peace and patience as I and everyone else involved wait for the final result. Help me and Noel to not be anxious or stressed, but to enjoy this waiting period.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.