New Challenge, Old Struggle

 What is an addiction?  Dependency?  Craving?  Need?  Obsession?  Habit?
 What do I have when it comes to reading?


Thursday, November, 29, 2012

Location: Transparent (young adult) girls' group

Around and around the spindle goes... Where will it land?  Slowing to a stop, everyone leans in to read this week's challenge: "fasting and prayer."

*grimace*  Prayer's okay... That's talking to God and I tend to do that a lot anyways.  So what's the problem?  Well, I _hate_ fasting!  I'm no good at it!  This week's challenge is totally my weak point!  *deep sigh*

The purpose of fasting is to set aside something (usually not something easy to do) and use that time, or craving, as a cue to pray.  So what can I give up for this week?  Not eating... Well, I _love_ eating, but that's not my most difficult thing to give up.  So what do I do most during my free time?  I read manga or books.  Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  I don't wanna give up reading!  However, to honor God, I feel that I need to forgo something I truly treasure.  The time that I gain, the cravings that I will confront, this time of internal strife will be my cue to pray, my time to refocus on spending time with God.

Inside, I feel that if I really REALLY want to honor God with a truly appropriate fast, I need to give my treasure... my best.

Lord, I've tried to think what else I can fast with... Food, how I do my work, time I spend on various things... But no matter what options I come up with, I keep feeling that to give up reading manga AND reading novels is what I cling most to, the thing I'm most unwilling to let go; and therefore, the most important option to choose for my week-long fast.

Help me!  Lord God, you know how deep-rooted my fixation to reading is... This crazy driving obsession to read every spare moment I have.  Lord, you've helped me manage most of my cravings in regards to reading.  I notice my struggle most when I'm at home, in the quiet, during my free time.  Do I do chores or read?  Do I spend time with Noel or read?  Do I take care of the cats or read?  Do I sleep or read?  In all of my daily choices, the chance to read even a page or two, takes on a very high priority.

Father, every spare moment of my time and my thoughts falls into a fantasy land of another person's creative imagination.  So often, I feel that I'm fighting an uphill battle and loosing every single step of the way.  I don't find fulfillment nor peace in reading... It doesn't fill this black hole inside of me, a raving pit of insanity, uncontrollable frustration... But Lord, I've experienced peace, joy, fulfillment, calm and freedom when I sink deeply into your presence... So knowing all this, help me, Lord God, Father of Jesus, to seek you first over my twisted dependency on living in a dream world of another's creation.  I'm stuck... incapable of freeing myself.  Lord, I need you here with me!  Be my strength.  Be my reasoning as I swim through periods of insanity, clawing cravings, and treacherous attempts at self-justification!  Father, I call you "Lord," may you be the true living Lord of my life.

God, I know that any sacrifice you call for me to take up... that it isn't for my loss, but instead to gain more of you, to be set apart so I can know you more, to attain your best for me when I can't even grasp and control my own life.  I don't know why something so innocuous as reading is my addiction, my bondage, my chain... But it is.  Lord, you've freed me before, please free me once again!

In the name of Jesus, as both God and Son, I pray, amen.


Friday, November 30, 2012

Failure.

I keep myself occupied by rockclimbing after work, getting home after Noel is home, watching anime with my husband, but there's always spare time.  A little unoccupied free time before going to bed. Read manga?  I can't!  My fingers are itching to read manga on my iPad!  Telling myself I won't read, I open my iPad... Then somehow, I'm in iBooks checking out a newly downloaded novel.  One justification after another... In the blink of an eye, I realize I read 8 chapters!

Guilt.  Anger.  Frustration.  Disappointment.  Shame.

Shouldn't it be easy not to read?  What happened to keeping my word or even wanting to honor God? I feel pitiful.  The craving, the pull is so strong... Funny right?  Addiction to reading.  *sarcasm*  I feel stupid.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The iPad lays quietly by my bedside.  Without a second thought, I flip open my iPad's protective cover.  So easy!  Oh hey... There's a new manga!  The update symbol is present.  I wonder what manga is new?  How about I check which manga it is?  Noooooo!  I CANNOT keep slipping!  I feel miserable enough in my struggles and in my failures.  Each time I turn away from reading is a victory... Each failure feels like a landslide.  Pain.  Anger.  Frustration.  Self-hatred.  Guilt.

Even as I type this blog, part of me is itching to slide my fingers or push a button to check the novels I have stored in iBooks or peek at the newly updated manga... Just a peek!  No!  Keep typing, keep struggling, keep fighting!

Lord God, you are the only one worth this fight, this internal struggle... Lord, only for you and through you do I even have this strength, this purpose, this determination to be more than I am.  Only for you, Jesus, for the ability to walk besides you, for the chance to know more of you do I even bother to confront this super-difficult personal challenge for the freedom you so freely offer.  Only for my Lord who is worthy, the creator of all.  Only for you, God, will I let go of my treasures... knowing that to die to myself, my wants, my cravings, my obsessions is to gain more, not just in heaven, but that with this fast, I am being blessed here and now.  So Lord, I praise your name and ask that in this battle of my heart, my time, my mind... that you open my eyes to see your blessings and that those blessings will enable me to face myself with peace.  To once again gain freedom from the chains of my obsession with reading.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.