Kristy & Paintball: Leap of Faith

June 14, 2015

Wide stance, squatting low, I readjust the gun in my hands. Shifting the weight of my paintball tank, I settle it into an area just below my right shoulder.  Torso twisted, my gun touches the starting net while my gaze fixates on my goal.  Lower, I push my body weight ever closer towards the ground.  Silent count: one, two, three, go!  I throw my body forward.  My gun twists to the opponents side.  My left foot pounds the ground.  Right foot flies forward shoving me forward.  I'm falling.  Oh shoot I'm falling face first as my right foot catches the ground.  I have to protect my brand new paintball gun!  Instinctively, I flex my right elbow angling the barrel of my gun away from the ground.  Ahhhhh, gotta straighten my knees!  I'm not wearing any padding, if my knees touch the ground first, it's gonna hurt!  Quickly, I duck my head downwards to lower my upper body, stretch out my arms, and allow myself to skid along the ground: forearms first, chest, abdomen, then legs.  So embarrassing!
Picking myself off the ground, I can only think of two positive comments: one, I turned tripping into a successful dive, and two, I protected my gun from getting scratched.  Success!  *sheepish grin* 

Brushing the dirt off my chest, I stand up.  Legs planted a little wider than normal, I balance myself upright as my legs shake from lack of strength.  Drat, I'm so weak!  Guess that means no running for today.  Stumbling a little, I shuffle to the nearest inflatable bunker and position myself to shoot.

*click*

"Good, stand there like that."

Gun up, angle the hopper behind the bunker.  Tuck my elbows tight by my sides.  Plant my feet and twist my them in (smaller target). Squat low, lower.  Focus.  Looking down the side of my gun I search for my opponents.  Any enemies?  Stay sharp.  Keep my body hidden as much as possible.  Be ready to switch from the right side to my left.  Be ready to shoot someone and be shot at. 

*click*

Okay, if you didn't catch it by now, a teammate is taking photos of me posing on the paintball field in my brand new Crimson Rage team jersey with my very first brand new paintball gun.  Yay!  Today is my first day over this past one month that I'm back at the Santa Clara Paintball field.  Actually, it's the first day in a month I'm doing anything active!  Forget the fact I'm not really playing paintball.  Forget the fact that there are no real opponents and the field is empty of people.  I'm enjoying the air, the sounds, my environment, even the feels of preparing to shoot someone. *wide grin*  Bloodthirsty ain't I?

Unofficial photo shoot complete, we leave the field.  I feel satisfaction with killing imaginary opponents, getting the opportunity to start breaking in my new gun, learning my current physical status.  I have many areas to to address: physical strength, speed, balance, positioning, techniques, accuracy.... the list is never-ending.  Well, more like there are always areas to improve in.  I'll always be assessing and tuning my physical capabilities, my attitude, my technique, increasing my knowledge, and the most important bit is I'm having so much fun!

Laying in bed, home again after another forced hospital admission, I stare at the calendar. Today is June 18th; I just got home yesterday.  How come my time at the paintball field, only 4 days ago, feels like a whole different part of my life?

I received two more units of blood on June 15th and started the newest chemotherapy (Eribulin) which left me with erratic fevers, headaches, weakness, sore throat and a very high heart rate. No one is sure what the cause is.  Not likely the blood transfusion. Maybe the chemo?  The alcohol in the chemo that I'm allergic to? Combo?  *shrug*  All I can say for sure is that my current resting heart rate is 100-110s.  Simple activities such as standing up or picking up socks from the ground jump my heart rate into the 140-150 range.  *shudder*  

I've worked as a physical therapist in the cardiopulmonary department; I know I'm pushing close to the limits of being safe if I increase my activity levels.  With my current heart rate, what paintball?  I'm more likely to jump out of bed, get dizzy, and put my head down to minimize blacking out or completely loosing my balance.  *deep sigh*

On the other hand, as I was praying last week, I felt and still feel God confirming that I will be able to completely participate in the upcoming church paintball event on June 27th.  With me living in one hospital after another every week this month, where does my unfounded confidence come from?  All I can say is that God's given me assurance in my heart and peace in my mind that he will intervene no matter how bad things are now.  Beyond my faith in God, I have nothing else to base the conviction I have in my full participation on the coming paintball event.

But not just my confidence in making it to the paintball event; the planning, group organizing, logistics... If I don't make it to the field, execution of the event will be more difficult, but not impossible.  I believe in delegation, communication, and training the next generation to take over.  A huge thanks to Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang for making this event possible as Noel and I lean on the both of you!  

Talk about jumping off a cliff; I expect and need God to step in. My body as it is now lays weak and motionless in bed.  Under my own power, I'm not able to walk a block much less run, crawl, shoot, and carry equipment.  By God's power and his promise, I will be living proof that for the one day God's provided, I will be fully functioning.  Doesn't matter if I crash afterwards, I know that in the name of Jesus Christ, this is a blessing my Father in Heaven will bless me with.

If you have time, come see for yourself what God can do!  I dare you and I dare myself to see God in action!  *wide grin* 

Flipping to the other side of my head, I keep telling myself "this paintball event is God's event!  He will provide who comes."  Then I get scared.  Sure there is some interest in the event, a couple people have requested information... but the reality is that besides the team captains and lieutenants, we have absolutely no one officially sign up 7 days before this paintball event.  

I gnaw on my lips with worry.  What if no one comes?  What if no one signs up?  We promised Santa Clara Paintball that there will be 40 people.  Right now, we have 7 advanced players ready to serve and no one to serve.  *stress*  

I'm scared. But this is God's event.  But I'm still scared.  God promised I can be there at this event so he's gotta provide people to serve right?  But what if he doesn't?  What if I heard God wrong and everything is all foolishness in my head?  Where did my brash confidence disappear to?  Inside, I'm completely defeated; I feel crushed.

Father God, you, who are all-powerful... will you hear my plea? Even after seeing you in action and boasting of your great works, something as small as numbers stump me.  I freeze in fear I hear you wrong.  I shudder at shouting of your greatness, not knowing how you choose to provide, but then cringe at my timidity in asking you to provide players to play and serve each other at our annual church paintball event.  Lord, you have continued to provide both the advanced players as well as the beginner players of all levels for 8 years... so why do I start doubting you now?

Forgive me, Lord, for my lack of faith.  You said, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

Lord, I want that faith as tiny as a mustard seed!  Give me the boldness to trust in your goodness.  Give me courage to pray publicly for great things.  Give me the confidence that you love me so much that you will step in regardless of my selfish requests and provide better than I can ever dream of.  Help me ask for big things so that I can see you provide even bigger!

Father God, Lord Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit; I want to show the world that you are real, that even in this day and age, you work miracles.

In Jesus' name, I ask these things for next Saturday's June 27th Church Paintball Event:

• Bring 40 players to this paintball event
• A referee who is kind, hard-working, meshes well with our group, approachable, and willing to work with us to smoothly run the event
• Protect all participants from moderate to severe injury as well as dehydration
• Have everyone in good health and able to play to their heart's content
• Provide enough food, water, snacks
• Give everyone the heart to help one-another, a positive attitude, joy in playing both with and against each other
• Properly working equipment: nothing broken, jammed or irreparable on the field
• Nothing gets lost, stolen, or misplaced
• Stress-free collection and organization of money, people, transportation, anything else
• For all participants to have fun and the day be filled with laughter
• Main request: your sovereign presence throughout the planing, execution and closure of this event

Lord, help me to release the control of this paintball event, all the details, my health into your all-powerful hands.  Regardless if I get another round of chemotherapy this coming Monday, I trust that my medical care and physical body reactions are all in your hands.

As I trust my life in your care, help me to trust you with events out of my control.  Give me, Noel, Kevin Wang and Joshua Wang wisdom, courage, tenacity, strength, boldness, kindness, gentleness, peace, joy, and hope as we learn to seek you first in this paintball event and first in our lives.

Lord, I thank you that you are greater than everything.  I ask that you again step in and show your provision so that this paintball event can be a "success" in all senses of the word.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

June 5th video update regarding my chemo: 

http://youtu.be/HiCvMmx3NAY

Kristy shooting imaginary opponents on the paintball field (June 14, 2015):

https://youtu.be/Pb2aIpgm4q8