Darkness Inside

Tangling and twisting, my emotions churn and knot within my chest.  Roiling and tensing, coiling tighter and tighter, the spring inside me is ready to snap.  Give me an excuse, any excuse, to lash out, to vent.  Frantically, I attempt to patch up my walls.  Dark and black, thick ooze seeps through.  Unpleasant stuff.  Bad stuff.

I hate this part of myself.  Dirty.  Ugly.  Angry.  Unreasonable.  My walls are ready to crumble.  I'm so tired of fighting myself, holding myself back, this monster inside.  I'm loosing.  I'm seeing more and more black along the wall.  There's a stench, an evil in myself I try to bury: pride, self-righteousness, feelings of entitlement, stubborness, inflexibility, anger, distrust, irritation.  Bubbling and churning, even more of this distastful black stuff appears as each minute flows by.

I'm tired.  I'm broken.  I'm loosing this battle against myself.  I'm falling, burning out of control.  My emotions are struggling, winning against reason.  I can sense a bite in my words.  I'm becoming inflexible in my thinking.  My ability to problem-solve is quicky disappearing.  My focus is non-exsistant.  Small issues appear as all-encompassing, ground-shaking problems.  Quivering at my own lack of control, I give myself a mental shake-down. 

Rest.  I need rest.  Peace.  Quiet.  Calm.  I want to crawl into a hole.

Burying my head, I want to hide from the world!  Too much stimulus.  Too much noise.  Too much information.  Clasping my hands over my ears, I find myself rocking back and forth, back and forth.  Is someone there?  Go away.  Leave me alone.  No, I'm not lonely.  No, don't touch me or I'll bite.  No, I don't need words of comfort or understanding.  Go away and thank you.

Focus.  I've got to rebuild my walls.  I cannot let this darkness invade.  Beware.  Watch what I say.  Don't talk too much.  Careful what I do.  Withdraw.  Hide.  I need to imprision this monster inside.  Every mis-step, each mistake... there are only so many times and for so many things I can appologize for later.  For now, I need to win this fight.  I'm loosing.

Lord Jesus, I fall so short of you.  I'm no where near able to emulate your example: your love for others, your gentleness of spirit, your humility.  I'm tired of building walls and failing.  I'm tired of feeling this nasty darkness tainting my spirit.  I'm tired of struggling in a never-ending battle in which I will never win.

Jesus, save me.  Save me from drowning in my own vileness.  Cleanse my spirit and replace it with yours.  Be my comfort and my peace when I myself have none.  Wash away this darkness.  Heal my body and my spirit.  Give me rest that can only be found in your presence.  Renew my heart, my mind, my soul in you and you alone.  When people look at me, may they see you instead.  Help me be more than I am capable of being by myself.  Fix my eyes upon you, Jesus, and not on myself. 

Father God, thank you for the hope you give through Jesus.  Thank you for cleaning me of the dirt I've once again accumulated inside.  Thank you for the peace in my heart.  Thank you for the joy that I have when I seek you for rest.  Hold me in your arms.  Sing me gently to sleep. 

When I awake, refresh my spirit and my body so that I may once again serve you; not out of my own abilities, but through your Spirit.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

And for those reading this blog: may you be blessed this day with the Lord's spirit of true peace, real love, inexplainable joy and everlasting hope.

Thank you for reading!  *super big hugs*

Playing with the camera: