Addiction and Lent... my struggles

A big thanks to my Hubby for subscribing to this blog since I lost this post and he received a copy in his e-mail!!! Praise the Lord! *Wide grin* now re-posted!

I know a little of Lent... giving something up for 40 days starting Ash Wednesday in order to honor God. This isn't something I normally practice or feel like I have to... but it is a challenge and time of growth I have chosen to incorporate in my life these last couple of years.

Last year, my choice to honor God was to refrain from reading manga (Japanese comic) online. For most of you, this isn't an issue. For me, reading manga is an addiction, a craving, an obsession that enslaves me... all my free time goes into reading manga. Even when reading no longer feels fullfilling... I'm stuck reading. Even when there's no pleasure... I HAVE to keep reading to the exclusion of all else (chores, obligations, sleep)... everything gets pushed back.

This addiction is an ongoing problem since middle school (started with reading books, but manga is easier to access online nowadays). I struggled for many years... silent... borrowing 7-10 books each trip to the library about twice a week! I couldn't put a book down no matter how badly written until I finished reading. If I finished reading too early in the evening, I'd start another books and keep reading, half-asleep, until I finished that one as well. I read all sorts of books... fantasy, science fiction, romance, mystery... anything to transport me to another world... to escape the lonliness and uncertainty of real life... to escape judgement and any potential condemnation. In reading, I lost myself into the fictional lives of others.

In high school, I wanted a normal life... but I couldn't stop reading... I didn't know how to talk or connect with other people, I didn't dare put myself out there or speak up for fear of being judged or made fun of. So I stayed quiet, hid in corners or in the bathrooms to read a book, didn't offer any opinions becuase well... who would care what I said? School was a place to be. And home? I felt empty inside unless I was living in the books I read.

But I felt so lonely... didn't know how to connect... that's probably why in both middle school and high school I was voted the shyest person in the whole school. I didn't know how to carry a conversation and didn't want to talk about myself because talking was too personal... unsafe. I was scared... chained and trapped by my self-created addiction to escape life. God... where are you? Isn't God supposed to help free me from my addiction if I give it up to him? Won't God save me?

I prayed so hard to God in my junior and senior years of high school for salvation... for God to free me... I struggled to stay away from the library, to stop reading... then I found manga and more free fictional writing online. I, by my own power, tried to stop reading... always failing. Crying in the dark, fighting for freedom, hurt, anygry, lost, scared. Why won't God save me? Isn't God all-powerful? God, I trusted you and you're failing me? Why? *sobbing cry*

In my freshman year of college, I remember I broke down so hard... I faced myself and saw how pitiful I was. My life had spun out of control... I didn't feel like I could connect to anyone and read books/stories as if my life depended on it. My grades had dropped, I couldn't wake up at 4am in the morning for crew, I felt like a zombie barely making it through a semblance of living... fully dependant on my fantasy world. This is when I cried out to God and I finally heard him in my heart. In my brokeness, in the quietness of my cries, in my pain... I heard God telling me that I am loved, wanted, cared for... that he will step between me and my addiction... not to take it away, but to place a veil between me and reading... that I would now have a choice... to read or to do something else. At that moment, I found in God my freedeom, affirmation, strength.

To this day, I still fall into the trap of unrestrained reading. There are times when I still feel lost, afraid, out of control... but now with God by my side... I'm no longer trapped. I now acknowlege that I have a choice... and each time I truly make the decision to stop reading, I can... it's not easy... instead, the choice can sometimes even be painful... the craving is still there howling in the back of my mind... but I am now free to choose! This is one of the first gifts God has clearly given to me. Sometime I wish that God would fully just take away my craving to read... but because he didn't, I'm as strong as I am now to face the difficulties of my cancer, to face my past when I was molested, to reach out to others also in pain... I am who I am now because I am saved by Jesus, strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and loved by God.

Not reading manga for 40 days last year enabled me to reset myself. Every time I want to turn to reading... I'd replace that initial time with prayer (talking to God)... in place of my bondage to reading, I now have freedom. God provided me with the knowledge that I have a choice in what I do. In God's presence, I feel more joy, more fullfillment, more peace than when I read manga. And yet, after those 40 days... even knowing how great it is to follow God... I still struggle. Even now, there are times when I fall back into the slavery of unrestrained reading binges.

This year, I considered again giving up reading for these 40 days... but I didn't want to use Lent as a time where I can just work on my own struggles. Instead, I've been praying for God to guide me in how to use Lent this year to focus more on him... just stopping my manga reading doesn't necessarily improve my relationship with God, it'll just be an excuse to get myself back under control. I want to use Lent for more than self-control practice, I want to spend more time with a God who loves me so much that he gives me true freedom when I walk with him... not just a shadow of what freedom can be like.

For this year's Lent sacrifice, I chose to implement three things. One, for me to get in bed by midnight (doesn't mean I have to go to sleep, but it'll get me there sooner). This first sacrifice is so that I can be more awake the next day in order to better serve my Lord God. My second sacrifice for Lent is actually to read the Bible first thing in the morning... most times, I barely roll out of bed in time to get to work (slightly late)... I want to spend time with God by reading his word first thing so that I can have his words in my heart to use and implement during the course of the day. My third sacrifice is to withhold from eating snacks... not to stop eating snacks... my intential is that everytime I reach for a snack or think about getting one... that I'll use that as a cue to spend some time talking with God first... then eat! *wide grin*

Father in heaven, thank you for loving me so much that your intention is to grow me... by using difficult times and not taking away my struggles... I get to know you more! Over the years, I have been able to use the struggles in my life to help serve and heal others... but that never would have happened unless I struggled first. Never have you given me more than I can handle. As I look at my past, I see that through every trial, you have always walked my my side and protected me from even worse. Thank you for loving me, for disciplining me, and for caring enough about me specifically so that I can grow to be even better. Thank you for opening my eyes to see your millions of blessings... to see the good in the bad... for creating me to thrive and enjoy the difficulties I face now because I can see you more clearly.

Lord Father God, please continue to allow me to struggle so that I can enjoy your blessings as you come through to save me in unimaginable ways. Open my eyes so that I can see your power, your love for me, your glory in this lifetime.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.