Sunday, November 22, 2015
My mind isn't completely here in the present. Every night, I wake up every hour. Sometimes I can fall back asleep, most times, I'm alert for 30-60 minutes before drifting off. In the morning, Noel places warm breakfast on my chest and Chinese herbal medicine near my head. There are days when the bowl of food sits on my chest as I zone in and out of consciousness until everything is cold. Today is one of those mornings. There are other times when my eyes open enough I can cram food in my mouth in an attempt to avoid my stomach from spasming. My stomach chooses to spasm anyways. *shudder*
I dislike eating. Or rather, I fear my body's ever-changing reaction to food. Day by day, meal to meal, I can eat the exact same thing with completely different results. Sometimes there's satisfaction with a good tasting meal; more often then not, there are spasms that stab through my body. When spasm happen, I freeze. My mental capacity drops. Usually the pain is short, not worth taking more medications. Sometimes, the spasms roll through like labor pains. I've learned, rolling spasms contract stronger until the point where breathing is difficult and mindless groping at blankets becomes ineffective.
This week, there are many instances of pain outside my control. In the daytime, I usually sleep. It's pretty random, but even a half hour conversation with me laying in bed requires a time of rest. Sitting up for 1-2 hours mandates two naps and approximately 12 hours in bed. An outing like an appointment or eating out requires at least 3 naps and leads to approximately 36 hours or more of bed rest before my brain becomes completely lucid.
Nowadays, I'm always tired. I hoped that receiving proper pain management would allow me to increase my daily activity levels, allow me freedom outside the house, give me the energy to start exercising again. Instead, my left leg is partially numb with a constant tingle. I walk with my left foot scraping against the ground, my trunk swings to compensate for my hip's inability to hold my weight, and my posture still isn't upright. My energy is nonexistent. My personal hopes and dreams for myself are destroyed over and over again as new issues arise. There's nothing else I can do but pray for a positive attitude, patience, wisdom, and courage to face the new challenges.
Lord God, I know my body can get much worse. I thank you instead for the physical abilities I do have. You gave me the strength to survive the trip to my parents' home for Thanksgiving dinner. You've blessed me with an amazing loving family and a husband who continually serves all my needs. Thank you for blessing me with Noel who watches me and anticipates my desires. You gave me a husband who is willing to listen to my problems and allow me the space to figure out what to do.
I am a woman blessed beyond measure. My body may fail, but Lord, you help preserve my heart and my mind. Thank you for giving me the courage to make tough decisions. Thank you for giving me the wisdom to manage my body. Thank you for the hours I got to spend in your presence reading more about you through the Bible. Thank you for times of peace and quiet where I can rest myself in your arms. Thank you for always being there, always loving me.
In Jesus' name I raise my voice in praise, amen.
Photo shoot with Noel by Peter Shen:
Sibling pic at my parents' home:
