Withdrawal

3rd week of December 2015

Listlessly I lay in bed with Noel sleeping by my side.  I can't sleep.  I feel too hot.  Shoving the blankets aside, I attempt to cool down.  Now I feel cold.  I pull the blankets back over my body.  Huffing in annoyance, I roll right and then left.  Constantly glancing at the clock, I watch as minutes tick by.  So slow.  The night is long.  Nausea and fatigue intermingle into a general sense of discomfort.  My abdomen spasms on and off all through the night.  I clench my right hand into a fist, there is no strength.  What in the world is wrong with me?  

Outside, I hear the rain fall.  *plop plop plop*  A steady hum of water hits the roof, rolling off the eaves onto a nearby bush, splattering against the ground. Rolling my head left, I watch the sky change colors: pale glimmer of light melts into a striking rose-orange sky.  The rain's gone.  Droplets of water coat the fine leaves of the pepper tree.  A breeze shakes sprinkles of crystal water to join the many puddles on the ground.  Morning sunlight brightens the land with shimmering shards of light.  Sparkling translucent beads of water glisten on lace-like leaves.  

I'm still awake.  Noel stirs beside me.  More time passes.

"Noel, I hate not being able to sleep!  What's wrong with me?  This is the second day in a row!"

"When did you last take any pain medication?  Could it be withdrawal from the narcotics?"

I freeze.  Withdrawal?  Sure I've been sweating so much my clothes are drenched, my body switches hot cold hot cold at completely random times, occasionally my heart races fast, and my body has absolutely no strength.  Last week, I stopped taking methadone to manage pain because my body started reacting by retaining fluid.  I got scared; gaining 5 pounds of fluid in two days is not normal.  I switched to fentanyl lollipops and was up to approximately 500mcg of the stuff a day, then stopped abruptly due to more swelling (my abdomen protrudes and is firm with fluid, both legs almost doubled in diameter, and I gained 8 pounds in less than a week).  Both methadone and fentanyl can be addictive.  I could very well be going through withdrawal symptoms.  *shudder* I would never dream of having to deal with physical addiction to medications.  Yikes!

Father God, thank you for Noel's comment about narcotic withdrawal!  I feel so much better now that I take a couple licks of my fentanyl lollipop when I hurt or start to feel cold.  Lord, I'm still scared about the excess fluid retention in my body... there's still 6 pounds of fluid in my abdomen and legs!  God, I'm also scared because my right hip is starting to hurt like my left one used to... there's also slight tingling in my right leg that copies the same pattern on my left leg.  My left leg permanently tingles and is constantly weak, will the same thing happen to my right leg?

Lord, my body continues to change, new issues keep cropping up.  Father, I don't know where this body is going or what else I need to do.  Please help me!  Give me the strength and wisdom to do what needs to be done.  I no longer see the acupuncturist for any follow-up care; God, I am completely at your mercy.  I'd love it if you'd heal me!  Regardless, whatever path you call me to walk, I will go.

Thank you, Father God, Jesus, Holy Spirit for giving me this opportunity to personally know you more.  Only by leaning on you am I able to make it this far.  Never let me stray from your side.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Merry Christmas everybody!  May the knowledge of Jesus Christ's birth fill you and your family and your friends with peace and joy as we celebrate the arrival of God's promise on earth.

Are you Okay?

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

It's 5am in the morning and I'm still awake.  Annoyed at my inability to sleep, I roll to my right and stare at my husband, Noel.  Fitfully, Noel shifts onto his back then tosses his whole body in a quick spin to his left.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'm falling!"  I watch in confusion as Noel grasps at the air.  Low guttural sounds and desperate panting fill the air.  Quickly, I grab Noel's hands.  Is it a nightmare?  Is he asleep?  Turning on my bedside lamp, I gaze at my husband.  His eyes are tightly shut.  His entire body is frozen rigid with tension.  

"Noel.  Noel, open your eyes and look at me!"

Eyes open and looking into mine, I observe Noel's eyes flick rapidly right and left (nystagmus).  He squeezes his eyes shut.  "Everything's spinning.  So dizzy.  Dizzy!  I feel like I'm falling!"

I don't know what to do.  Noel's not dreaming, he's awake.  What's going on?  "Noel, feel my hands, I'm not moving.  Keep your eyes shut.  Your body is laying in bed, not moving.  Nothing is moving right now.  Take deep breaths.  Breathe."

God, help!  I don't know what's wrong with my husband.  Give me wisdom, keep me calm.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Slowly, Noel calms down and drifts off into a light sleep.  Alertly, I lay watching him for any reoccurrence of whatever just happened.  Nothing.  Bit by bit, I allow myself to relax.  I watch as Noel rolls onto his back.  Again, he cries out and grasps the air.  Again he calls out, "I'm falling!"  Again, I grab his hands and speak softly but firmly as he calms down.

Over and over again, I observe Noel desperately wail in fear; his voice tortured with distress.  Every turn of his head, he gets dizzy.  Lack of movement allows him to calm down.  Light and moving objects make him nauseous.  

Thank you God all my siblings came to visit today!  A moist hand towel is applied over Noel's eyes and tied in place.  I find a YouTube video describing BPPV (benign paroxysmal positional vertigo), a disorder where crystals in the inner ear get stuck and send wrong signals to the brain that the body is spinning.  The video also shows the Epley maneuver, uses gravity in an attempt to clear the crystals back into their original position; there's a high chance that it won't work to completely alleviate Noel's symptoms... But a whole day of watching my husband flinch, groan, cry in distress tears at my heart.  His skin is drawn, pale, and covered in sweat.  He can't continue like this!

My brother, Winston, guides Noel's head to the left and helps him lay down with his head angled backwards.  Immediately, Noel panics as vertigo assails his senses.  My youngest brother, Christopher, holds a pink hospital bucket to Noel's face as he vomits liquid bile into the container.  Calmly, I command Noel to focus on his breathing as he continues to heave and groan; there's nothing else any of us can do.  As the vertigo settles, Winston guides Noel into the next step of the Epley maneuver.  Again, Noel throws up.  This time, my sister, Jessica, grabs the bucket, holding it for Noel.  Step by step, we continue.  I don't remember how much time passes by but the air is thick with tension, bile scents the air.  We work together as a family and repeat the maneuver until Noel only vomits twice throughout the procedure.  Enough is enough... I don't think Noel can take any more repetitions.  At least, Noel can now sit back, open his eyes nod even turn his head a little.  Progress.

Thank you, Father God, for providing Noel's mom to take care of both Noel and I as we lay weakly in bed: food served to us warm in bed, jello, cool towels for Noel and massages for me.  *wide grin*  Thank you, God, for family willing to be a part of the messiness of being sick.  Thank you, Father, for a co-worker's suggestion to use vibration with the Epley maneuver; Noel can now freely whip his head right and left without vertigo!  Lord in heaven, thank you for my increase in strength this week so I can crawl with more ease in and out of bed.  Thank you for loving us so much that even in the darkest times when both Noel and I are hopeless and helpless, you are working to provide for our needs!

Thank you everyone for your support and prayers!  I am able to continue in my struggles through the protection and strength you provide through your prayers.  Because of you all, I am where I am today.  Thank you.  *deep bow*

Prayer request:

1.  Noel can freely move, turn, spin without any unusual residual vertigo or headaches or fatigue.

2.  I need to face the pain of massaging the hardened fluid over my abdomen so the swelling will go away... and pray that it does.  

3.  Currently not taking the methadone for pain management since this medication is the one causing severe fluid retention.  May God help me manage my pain in place of the methadone.

4.  I'm considering placing acupuncture on hold so that God can work in my body and demonstrate his hand at work in my health over any human intervention.  

5.  I want to clearly hear and follow God's guidance in all my health care decisions.

Kristy flopping by the heater with Rogue: