Withdrawal

3rd week of December 2015

Listlessly I lay in bed with Noel sleeping by my side.  I can't sleep.  I feel too hot.  Shoving the blankets aside, I attempt to cool down.  Now I feel cold.  I pull the blankets back over my body.  Huffing in annoyance, I roll right and then left.  Constantly glancing at the clock, I watch as minutes tick by.  So slow.  The night is long.  Nausea and fatigue intermingle into a general sense of discomfort.  My abdomen spasms on and off all through the night.  I clench my right hand into a fist, there is no strength.  What in the world is wrong with me?  

Outside, I hear the rain fall.  *plop plop plop*  A steady hum of water hits the roof, rolling off the eaves onto a nearby bush, splattering against the ground. Rolling my head left, I watch the sky change colors: pale glimmer of light melts into a striking rose-orange sky.  The rain's gone.  Droplets of water coat the fine leaves of the pepper tree.  A breeze shakes sprinkles of crystal water to join the many puddles on the ground.  Morning sunlight brightens the land with shimmering shards of light.  Sparkling translucent beads of water glisten on lace-like leaves.  

I'm still awake.  Noel stirs beside me.  More time passes.

"Noel, I hate not being able to sleep!  What's wrong with me?  This is the second day in a row!"

"When did you last take any pain medication?  Could it be withdrawal from the narcotics?"

I freeze.  Withdrawal?  Sure I've been sweating so much my clothes are drenched, my body switches hot cold hot cold at completely random times, occasionally my heart races fast, and my body has absolutely no strength.  Last week, I stopped taking methadone to manage pain because my body started reacting by retaining fluid.  I got scared; gaining 5 pounds of fluid in two days is not normal.  I switched to fentanyl lollipops and was up to approximately 500mcg of the stuff a day, then stopped abruptly due to more swelling (my abdomen protrudes and is firm with fluid, both legs almost doubled in diameter, and I gained 8 pounds in less than a week).  Both methadone and fentanyl can be addictive.  I could very well be going through withdrawal symptoms.  *shudder* I would never dream of having to deal with physical addiction to medications.  Yikes!

Father God, thank you for Noel's comment about narcotic withdrawal!  I feel so much better now that I take a couple licks of my fentanyl lollipop when I hurt or start to feel cold.  Lord, I'm still scared about the excess fluid retention in my body... there's still 6 pounds of fluid in my abdomen and legs!  God, I'm also scared because my right hip is starting to hurt like my left one used to... there's also slight tingling in my right leg that copies the same pattern on my left leg.  My left leg permanently tingles and is constantly weak, will the same thing happen to my right leg?

Lord, my body continues to change, new issues keep cropping up.  Father, I don't know where this body is going or what else I need to do.  Please help me!  Give me the strength and wisdom to do what needs to be done.  I no longer see the acupuncturist for any follow-up care; God, I am completely at your mercy.  I'd love it if you'd heal me!  Regardless, whatever path you call me to walk, I will go.

Thank you, Father God, Jesus, Holy Spirit for giving me this opportunity to personally know you more.  Only by leaning on you am I able to make it this far.  Never let me stray from your side.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Merry Christmas everybody!  May the knowledge of Jesus Christ's birth fill you and your family and your friends with peace and joy as we celebrate the arrival of God's promise on earth.